Hayley West wants to become compost when she dies.
But if that’s not an option, she’s happy to be cremated and scattered somewhere in the bush around Castlemaine, central Victoria.
“By the time I die, [I hope] human composting will be happening in Australia,” Ms West said.
“Somebody I know and love will pick up my soily cremains and go and plant then somewhere.”
She said 70 per cent of Australians get cremated as people move away from traditional burials, but an increasingly wide array of post-death options await, in part due to a growing willingness for people to talk about death.
You may not be able to become human compost yet but perhaps you would like your ashes turned into jewellery or a paperweight. Or maybe you’d like a tree planted in your name.
The options are as endless as death itself.
New ways to be dead
Ms West is a Castlemaine artist who presents a weekly radio show about death called Dead Air.
She also hosts semi-regular “death cafes” — a worldwide phenomenon where people get together “to eat cake, drink tea and discuss death”, as the website puts it.
“Fifteen years ago I was considered just morbid and kind of odd for talking about this,” she said.
Hayley West co-hosts Death Cafes and presents a weekly radio show about death and dying.
“It’s evolved and a really interesting space to be in now.
“I have the only live radio show in Australia that actually talks about [death] and I love the idea that somebody could just tune in, hear something interesting and then go away and tell someone else in the community about it.”
Ms West said that in the past five years, she’s noticed more people thinking differently about what to do with their body after they die, including making a minimal impact on the environment.
“People often get scattered [as ashes] in memorable places rather than being interred in cemeteries or there’s now even the option of natural burial,” she said.
How to become a diamond
Heathcote-based author Amanda Collins is “a death doula” who helps people navigate their end.
She says she has also noticed that, over the past decade or so, the rules around funerals and memorials have gone out the window in “a very good way”.
Amanda Collins helps support people caring for someone who is dying.
“I’ve seen ashes turned into diamonds, or the slightly less expensive option of being placed in glass paperweights and jewellery,” she said.
And while there are still cultures in Australia that have a strong tradition of visiting the cemetery to clean up the grave of a loved one and bring flowers, a growing number of people are looking for alternatives.
“We no longer follow rituals just because it’s always been done like that,” Ms Collins said.
“There’s a wonderful artist in Melbourne who will take clothing from your loved one and shred that clothing, which sounds drastic, then weave a new garment or blanket or something you have in your house as a memento.”
Filling the dead air
Central Victorian sisters Caitlin Epps and Bec Gallagher co-host The Loss Mothers podcast, guiding women through open discussion about the loss of their children.
The podcasts, or private recordings for those who don’t want their session made public, can act as a “modern day time capsule” and provide a neutral space for people who might be struggling to describe their grief to family and friends.
“They want to continue their memories — to be able to talk about their loved one freely, and not forget about them.”
The sisters have also created conversation cards people can use to open those channels of communication.
Sisters Bec Gallagher and Caitlin Epps (right) co-host The Loss Mothers podcast.
“It can be a great way to start a conversation,” she said.
“The more we talk about these things the more it becomes normalised.”
A continuing conversation
Ms Collins, in her role as a death doula, advises people to keep revisiting their death and funeral plans.
She suggests Dying to Know Day on August 8 as a great reminder to revise plans each year.
“I wrote a funeral plan when I was in my early 30s and I’m now in my 50s,” Ms Collins said.
“[Initially] I set out a lot of directions and told everybody exactly what I wanted and I don’t want that anymore.”
For now, she’s just on the lookout for good, appropriate funeral songs.
Ms Collins advises people to keep revisiting their death and funeral plans.
Hannah Czerwinski’s office desk isn’t decorated like most. Between pictures of her baby and papers rest vials of perfectly clean, bright white bones.
“This is Dougie,” she says, holding up a tiny glass jar of bearded dragon remnants.
Dougie is just one of many dead animals in Czerwinski’s office. Her shelves are lined with glass jars of sharp canine and cat teeth, fine powdery ground-up bones, and even delicate bat bones. They’ve all been picked clean as if their bodies had been scavenged by vultures and then bleached like a sand dollar. They look like they could turn to dust from one touch.
Czerwinski is one of around 20 employees at Bio-Response Solutions, the leading manufacturer of alkaline hydrolysis equipment worldwide. This equipment is used to reduce deceased humans and animals to liquid and ash, a method that is less energy intensive and polluting than cremation. The company is not an active funeral home and legally can’t process humans, but it does use deceased animals to show potential buyers how the equipment works. When her lizard companion passed away a few years ago, Czerwinski knew what to do. After he died, Dougie’s body was placed in one of Bio-Response’s pet systems and turned into liquid until all that remained were the bones that sit next to Czerwinski’s computer.
Tucked away in an industrial park 40 minutes outside of Indianapolis, Bio-Response is the world’s biggest manufacturer of machines that liquefy bodies with water. They ship about 100 chambers each year across the globe—a mixture of pet and human machines—to provide a more sustainable, less fuel-intensive alternative to cremation.
This process may sound macabre, but it’s not brand new. It is, however, becoming more attractive as people search for more environmentally sound death options. Alkaline hydrolysis, which Bio-Response calls aquamation, is just one in a growing list of options for consumers concerned about how their funerals may impact the environment. Other options include eco-burials, body composting, and mushroom mycelium suits. And while alkaline hydrolysis may not be talked about as frequently as the other, it’s legal in far more places, including about half of all US states for humans.
The steps are a bit different for animals like Dougie. While the human machines can only treat one body at a time, in the pet machines, multiple small bodies can be treated simultaneously because the animals are separated by metal walls, so their bones don’t get mixed up. The machine is then filled with a mixture of hot water and a caustic alkali (a liquid or solid version of sodium and potassium hydroxides). Together, the two break down the body until all that is left are bones.
A staff member treats the remains of a family pet. Alkaline hydrolysis is legal for animals in Indiana.
Alkaline hydrolysis can sound scary, hence why it goes by so many names: aquamation and resomation being the two most popular. But really, the whole process can be understood by going back to basic chemistry. Think of a pH chart you might have seen on a science classroom wall. On one side, starting from zero, are acidic substances like lemon juice and vinegar. In the middle, at seven, is water, a purely neutral liquid. Then on the other side, things get basic. Ending at 14 are alkaline substances. Chemically, alkaline substances are the opposite of acids, but they, too, can break down organic compounds.
Crematorium owner and Bio-Response machine user Philip Flores uses potassium hydroxide as his alkali, which is just a type of lye used in soap making. “It’s a salt that helps create alkalinity when mixed with water,” he says. “So when you have the warm and gentle flow of water introduced with this alkalinity, what happens is, aside from accelerating the decomposition process, it breaks down anything that’s organic, leaving behind the inorganic, which would be the entire skeletal structure.”
In as little as 16 hours, Dougie’s small scales were broken down this way, his decaying flesh submerged in a solution of around 200 degrees Fahrenheit until all that was left were the memories of his companionship, the bones that decorate Czerwinski’s office, and a non-toxic brown liquid that smells vaguely like an unkempt pet store. If Dougie had been a human, a metal hip or breast implant may have been left behind for the machine operator to remove after his liquified body had been drained from the chamber.
To Czerwinski, alkaline hydrolysis was the clear choice for her 10-year-old lizard companion. Right around the time Dougie was born, Czerwinski’s dad, Joe Wilson, had an idea that would revolutionize the death industry: creating an American market for body-liquifying machines.
Body liquification takes off
Bio-Response officially got started on November 26, 2009, as the brainchild of Joe Wilson, who had previously worked in waste management for STERIS, a medical equipment company that focuses on infection prevention. For most, going to a medical waste conference sounds mundane, but on a crisp November day when Wilson attended one in Baltimore, he was blown away.
In the early ‘90s, the late professor Gordon Kaye of Albany Medical College faced a problem: He needed to dispose of research animals that contained radioisotopes in a safe and economically feasible way. A colleague, Peter Weber had an idea. He took a sample rat, liquified it, through alkaline hydrolysis, and returned the resulting bone powder to Kaye. It was a breakthrough, particularly for the disposal of corpses used in research contexts.
Seven years later, Wilson took his seat at a conference presentation led by Kaye. “I learned that not only did alkaline hydrolysis dissolve tissue, but it destroyed cancer drugs, embalming agents, formaldehyde, other complex chemical toxins, and was sterile,” Wilson says. “The whole idea just caught me off guard.” It was a way to sanctify the dead without burning them.
Wilson wanted to make the method useful to more professions and industries. First, he built a towable alkaline hydrolysis unit that could be transported to farms for diseased livestock disposal. This was a success, but Wilson had more ambitions: He wanted to build something that could liquefy individual people. At the time, another manufacturer was making a human-sized alkaline hydrolysis machine in Scotland, though it was expensive. This is what Wilson challenged. One night in 2010, Wilson woke up at 3 a.m. with an idea and scribbled it down. “Other people had a Rolls Royce,” he says. “I wanted to build a Chevrolet for the industry.”
What he jotted down that night became the backbone of Bio-Response today. The company, founded by Wilson four years earlier, had been selling machines for pets, appropriately called PET machines, but this changed everything. “It was a real home run,” Wilson says.
Human meets machine
Today, Bio-Response offers two options for human corpses with differing temperatures, although they custom-make machines for almost any-sized organism imaginable. “One machine went all the way up to the ceiling,” says Rob Graham, sales manager at Bio-Response.
The machines themselves are surprisingly quiet—and given the nature of the work, the mood in Bio-Response’s warehouse is surprisingly relaxed, too.. The team of builders and programmers, which Graham describes as a family, listens to music and rides around on scooters as they construct metal chambers worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. It’s like a tech startup, except instead of creating the latest AI craze, they build equipment to liquify dead people and animals. Soon, these machines will be installed in funeral homes to liquefy humans. But today, the shining silver cylinders are emitting steam as employees checked them for quality control before shipment to Las Vegas
After almost a full day in the hot solution, the human body turns to bone and effluent.
Each machine fits one human at a time and, after being filled up with the alkaline solution, is tilted at an angle. This allows less water to be used as the body inside naturally falls into a crouching position when tilted. The machine hums for 16 to 18 hours before being drained, and the remaining bones are removed, dried, and ground into a fine dust that loved ones can take home.
But then there’s the remaining effluent, which is a fancy way to say the brown, musty liquid made of the natural byproducts of decomposition, including amino acids, salt, and sugar. To say the liquid doesn’t smell would be a lie, but it’s nothing compared to the stench of a rotting body. Aquamation practitioners then drain this effluent into the wastewater system, the same place where all of the water from sinks, toilets, showers, and washing machines go. “People are concerned that what we’re doing is drinking dead bodies,” says Philip Olson, a death studies professor at Virginia Tech who is not affiliated with Bio-Response. “There are lots of things in our wastewater system; this might be one of the least to worry about.”
Still, it does worry people, even when more traditional funerary methods process waste similarly. “During embalming, where a body is drained of blood, it is sent into the wastewater system,” Olson says. “It’s untreated.” In alkaline hydrolysis, while the waste ends up in the same place, it is treated. “It’s been sterilized by the nature of heat, which will kill anything that was living essentially,” Graham explains. There are also religious and cultural barriers to consider with aquamation as well. In the Catholic faith, alkaline hydrolysis is not an acceptable form of body disposal. This follows a history of opposition to cremation, which wasn’t allowed until the 1960s, despite the modern cremation movement beginning nearly 100 years earlier. But Wilson says strict Catholic approval isn’t stopping people. “Half the people that go through our machines are Catholics,” he estimates.
While the tech behind alkaline hydrolysis precedes Bio-Response, the company has built a system that can be used in crematoriums across the world.
Still, perception is changing. When anti-apartheid activist and Anglican bishop Desmond Tutu died in 2021, most of the world had no idea what alkaline hydrolysis was. But Tutu did, and he had chosen to go through the process upon his death. Although Tutu was not Catholic, Graham says his death changed minds. “That knocked down on the barrier tremendously given he was known right underneath the Pope,” Graham says. To date, Bio-Response has sold more than 400 machines in North America alone.
The ultimate decision
But with the many options people have for their final rites, why choose this one? Olson says there are two main reasons. The first is that customers perceive the process as gentle, which is preferable to many over sending their loved ones to be burned by flame. “I’m not exactly sure what’s gentle about caustic alkali, but that’s how people perceive it—like a warm water bath,” Olson adds.
The second lies in its environmental benefits. Cremation uses about 30 gallons of fuel from propane or natural gas for one body, releases carcinogenic matter into the atmosphere, and returns a smaller percentage of ashes than hydrolysis. Traditional burial, too, has its downsides. In the embalming process, corpses are injected with two to three gallons of a cocktail of chemicals, including formaldehyde, mercury, and methanol. When a body is buried and decomposes, these chemicals can leak into our groundwater. “If you test the soil in a cemetery, most of that is toxic,” says Craig Klugman, a professor of death studies at DePaul University.
Then there’s the matter of space. Cemeteries around the world are filling up, leading more people to opt for methods that reduce their bodies to dust. Alkaline hydrolysis, its proponents argue, offers an alternative to land use, while cutting carbon emissions by 75 percent compared to cremation. Still, Olson warns that the process of producing alkaline substances for these machines can be energy intensive, even if direct emissions from running the machines are much lower than alternatives.
Of course, other eco-friendly options like human composting have been in the news for similar reasons. For now, this process is only legal in six states, but supporters hope it adds another option for environmentally friendly decomposition to the mix.
Wilson doesn’t oppose other methods of decomposition. In fact, he says he doesn’t worry about planning out how his own body is disposed of. “I don’t care what they do with it—I’ll be dead,” he says. Still, he prefers alkaline hydrolysis for its sterility. “There are certain microbes or diseases that will not be destroyed in composting like they will in alkaline hydrolysis,” he notes. Those residuals could end up in groundwater depending on how the remains are disposed of or repurposed, though as Wilson points out, they should not pose a real health threat to the living.
Although more than half of US states have legalized alkaline hydrolysis for humans in non-research settings, Indiana, where Bio-Response is based, isn’t one of them. “I mean, we just approved alcohol sales on Sunday five years ago,” says Graham. “Plus, Indiana is home to the largest casket manufacturer in the world.”
Bio-Response’s machines cost between $175,000 and $260,000.
In Wilson’s view, the Hoosier State will probably be the last to legalize this practice. And while the timing is uncertain, Bio-Response is thriving. They’ve quadrupled their output since 2017 and now send around 100 machines annually around the globe. “If all 50 states came on at once, we might lack quality trying to outpace ourselves,” Graham says.
When he dies, if it’s in a state where alkaline hydrolysis is legal, Graham says he absolutely would choose it. “I hope I’ve made a friend that will let me ride through there,” he says. If that happens, Graham will be one in a growing group of Americans who end up churning in the warm waters of an aquamation machine until all that remains is a fine powder, a musty liquid, and memories.
Ghost marriage is an ancient and mysterious Chinese tradition that has been practiced for centuries. Even in the modern day, it is still a custom of many Chinese families, but what exactly is ghost marriage and why do people practice it? This blog post will explore the history, reasons, types, contemporary practices, and cultural implications of ghost marriage to gain insight into how this tradition has evolved over time and its impact on modern Chinese culture today. From exchanging money or goods as part of the ceremony to how it shapes traditional values, this article will uncover the mysteries of this unique practice.
History and Origin of Ghost Marriage
Ghost marriage is an ancient and mysterious Chinese tradition that has been practiced for centuries. It is believed to have originated in ancient China thousands of years ago, with the practice then spreading throughout Europe and Asia. This practice was traditionally seen as a way to ensure that the deceased had a partner in the afterlife. In fact, Confucius himself was known to have mentioned this practice in his writings.
The traditional Chinese belief was that a ghost marriage could help restore balance between two families who had lost a child. The idea was that by joining two families together through marriage, both families would be able to benefit from the union even if one of their members had died. This idea has been around since ancient times and still holds true today in some parts of China.
Another reason why ghost marriages are popular is due to superstition and fear of bad luck or misfortune. Many people believe that if they do not perform a ghost marriage ceremony for their deceased family member, it may bring bad luck upon them or their family. Therefore, performing this ceremony can be seen as a way of protecting yourself from bad luck or evil spirits.
A ghost wedding feast in Singapore. Source: Topley, 1955
Finally, there are also religious reasons for why people may choose to perform ghost marriages. In some cases, it can be seen as an act of piety towards one’s ancestors or gods and goddesses associated with death and rebirth rituals such as those found in Taoism and Buddhism.
Ghost marriages are still practiced today in many parts of China, although they are not as common as they once were due to changing cultural attitudes towards death and mourning practices over time. Despite this shift in attitudes, this mysterious tradition still lives on because it offers comfort to those who mourn for their loved ones and helps them keep their memories alive forever through this special ritualistic ceremony.
Reasons for Ghost Marriage
Since ancient times, Chinese people have practiced ghost marriage as part of their culture and religious customs. The belief that ghosts are in need of companionship is deeply ingrained in Chinese culture, leading to the practice of ghost marriage in order to provide the deceased with a life partner in the afterlife. Performing such a ceremony also allows families to keep ancestral connections alive and maintain their traditions.
In some cases, ghost marriages were also carried out as a way of preventing unmarried daughters from becoming “hungry ghosts” in the afterlife; this was done out of fear that she would be doomed to wander endlessly without rest or peace if she did not have someone to accompany her into death. It was believed that unhappy spirits could bring bad luck and misfortune upon those who had wronged them during life, so marrying off single women was seen as a way of avoiding potential disasters.
Religious reasons for performing ghost marriages exist as well; these acts are sometimes used as offerings for gods or goddesses associated with death and rebirth rituals. In addition, ceremonies can be performed out of piety towards ancestors or deities related to ancestor worship or traditional funeral practices.
Ghost marriage has been an important tradition among Chinese people for centuries, but its prevalence has declined today due to evolving cultural views about death and mourning practices. Despite this shift however, the reasons behind it remain unchanged—to provide comfort for ghosts so they may pass peacefully into the afterlife, avert misfortune caused by hungry spirits on earth, preserve familial ties and honor religious beliefs related to ancestor worship or funeral rites.
Types of Ghost Marriages
Ghost marriage is an ancient custom practiced in China, where two families exchange money and goods as a sign of respect for the deceased. Usually, this occurs either before or after the actual nuptials take place. The bride’s family pays a dowry to the groom’s family or receives payment from them in return for her labor or services. Additionally, the groom’s family may provide a dowry to the bride’s family if they are unable to pay for her services.
The goods exchanged during these ceremonies vary, depending on region and religion. Rice, tea, sugar cane, incense sticks and candles are common gifts given by the bride’s family in some areas while clothing or jewelry may be offered in others. Others incorporate religious customs by exchanging items thought to bring good luck and protection from evil spirits.
Families arrange ghost marriages for various reasons, including protecting unmarried daughters from becoming “hungry ghosts” – spirits believed to haunt young women who die without being married or bearing children – as well as providing companionship for those who passed away. It is also often done to restore balance between two families through marriage following a tragedy like losing a child.
Over time, cultural attitudes towards death have changed leading to fewer ghost marriages taking place today; however its purpose remains largely undiminished within Chinese society – honoring ancestral deities and offering comfort during times of grief and loss.
Contemporary Practices
Ghost marriage continues to be practiced in China today, although the practices have changed from their ancient roots. Modern ghost marriages often involve an exchange of money or goods, as well as a ceremony, and are still popular in rural areas as a way to keep families connected. In contrast to historical traditions, modern ghost marriages are more likely to be between two deceased people rather than one living person and a deceased person.
Some people also practice ghost marriage out of respect for their ancestors or bridge the gap between two families. This can include uniting two families who have lost someone close, such as siblings marrying each other’s spouses after death. There are now laws in place that regulate who can be married in a ghost marriage, such as the requirement that both parties must have been dead for at least three years before the ceremony takes place.
Despite these regulations, there is still some controversy surrounding modern ghost marriage due to its association with illegal activities such as human trafficking and forced labor. In addition, some argue that it violates traditional Chinese values by disrupting familial hierarchy and disregarding filial piety towards ancestors.
Nevertheless, contemporary practices of ghost marriage exist alongside more traditional methods of honoring those who have passed away or connecting two families through ancestral lines. It is an ever-evolving tradition that continues to shape Chinese culture today despite changing attitudes towards death and mourning practices over time.
Cultural Implications
Ghost marriage has been an important part of Chinese culture for centuries and continues to shape modern Chinese society in subtle ways. In traditional Chinese culture, the practice was seen as a way to ensure the deceased had an afterlife and proper burial, as well as a way to negotiate or reaffirm power dynamics within family networks.
In recent years, there has been a shift in attitudes towards ghost marriage in China, with some viewing it as a violation of traditional values while others embrace it as a unique cultural tradition. This divide is largely due to the changing legal status of ghost marriage in China; while it is not illegal, there are laws regulating who can be married in this capacity.
The potential implications of ghost marriage on future generations are also worth considering. It is likely that intergenerational transmission of values associated with the practice will depend on how families view it today – whether they view it positively or negatively could determine whether these traditions are passed down through the generations.
Ultimately, although ghost marriage is no longer widely practiced today and its role in modern Chinese culture is somewhat unclear, this ancient tradition continues to shape our understanding of life and death and influence our views on family relationships and societal norms. As such, studying the history and current practices associated with ghost marriage can provide us with valuable insight into how modern-day Chinese society works.
Jewish funeral customs have been shaped by centuries of religious tradition and cultural practices. These customs are designed to show respect for the deceased and provide comfort to the grieving family.
If you have been invited to a Jewish funeral or wish to offer support to a Jewish friend in mourning, it is essential to familiarize yourself with these customs.
In this blog post, we will cover 20 things you should know about Jewish funeral customs.
Sympathy Flowers
While Christian funerals generally include many flowers to send for sympathy, this is generally not done at Jewish funerals, it is appropriate to send a donation to a designated charity or plant a tree in Israel in memory of the deceased.
However, if you know that the family appreciates sympathy flowers, sending a simple and modest arrangement is acceptable.
Immediate Burial
In the Jewish tradition, the deceased should ideally be buried as soon as possible, usually within 24 hours of death. This is done to honor the body and show respect for the soul.
No Embalming Or Cremation
Jewish law prohibits embalming and cremation, as they are seen as disrespectful to the body. The body is considered sacred and should be returned to the earth in a natural state.
Tahara
The deceased’s body is prepared for burial through a ritual cleansing called tahara. This process is performed by a group of trained individuals called the chevra kadisha. The body is washed, purified and dressed in simple white shrouds called tachrichim.
Simple Wooden Casket
A traditional Jewish burial involves a plain wooden casket with no metal parts. The simplicity of the casket reflects the belief in the equality of all people in death.
Shemira
Shemira is the practice of watching over the deceased from the time of death until burial. A family member or designated individual, known as a shomer, stays with the body to recite prayers and psalms.
Funeral Service
The Jewish funeral service called a levaya, is usually brief and simple. It includes prayers, the recitation of psalms, and eulogies. The service takes place at a synagogue, funeral home or graveside.
Procession To The Cemetery
After the funeral service, there is a procession to the cemetery. Mourners follow the hearse on foot for a short distance to show their respect and honor the deceased.
Kriah
During the funeral, mourners perform the kriah, a ritual tearing of one’s clothing. This symbolizes the tearing of the heart and the depth of griefhttps://southfloridareporter.com/jewish-funeral-customs-20-things-you-should-know/ experienced by the mourners.
Burial
At the cemetery, the casket is lowered into the ground, and mourners participate in the mitzvah of burial by shoveling earth onto the casket. This act is a final gesture of love and respect for the deceased.
Shiva
Shiva is the initial seven-day mourning period observed by the immediate family. Mourners stay at home, refrain from work and social activities, and receive visitors who come to offer comfort and support.
Offering Condolences
When offering condolences to a Jewish mourner, it is customary to say “HaMakom yenachem etchem b’toch she’ar avelei Tzion v’Yerushalayim” which means “May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
Meal Of Consolation
Following the burial, the family returns home to share a meal of consolation, called the seudat havra’ah. This meal typically includes round foods, such as eggs or lentils, which symbolize the cycle of life and the hope for continuity.
Uncovering The Mirrors
Covering mirrors during the shiva period is a Jewish tradition to symbolize the mourning process. At the end of shiva, it is customary to uncover the mirrors to signify the return to normal life.
This act is a reminder that while the deceased may be gone, life must continue. It also serves as a reminder that life is cyclical, and after periods of sadness, there will be times of joy and happiness.
Sheloshim
Sheloshim is a thirty-day mourning period observed by close family members after the death of a loved one. During this time, mourners refrain from attending social events and other festivities.
This period allows the mourners to focus on the grieving process and honor the memory of the deceased. Sheloshim provides an opportunity for mourners to reflect on the life of the deceased and to begin to find a way forward without them.
Yahrzeit
Yahrzeit is the anniversary of the death of a loved one, observed by lighting a yahrzeit candle and reciting the Kaddish prayer. The candle is lit for twenty-four hours and symbolizes the light that the deceased brought into the world during their lifetime.
Yahrzeit is an important time for family and friends to come together to remember and honor the life of the deceased. It is an opportunity to reflect on the memories shared and the impact they had on others.
Kaddish
The kaddish is a prayer recited by mourners during the funeral service and for the first year after the death. It is also recited on the yahrzeit and other occasions to honor the deceased. Kaddish is a powerful prayer that speaks to the hope and faith of the Jewish people. It is a reminder that life is cyclical and that after periods of sorrow, there will be times of joy and happiness. Kaddish provides comfort and solace to the mourners and helps them find peace during a difficult time.
Unveiling Ceremony
The unveiling ceremony, which takes place approximately one year after the death, involves the unveiling of the headstone at the cemetery. Family and friends gather to remember and honor the deceased.
Honoring The Deceased
Jewish funeral customs place a strong emphasis on honoring the deceased and showing respect for their life. This includes speaking about the deceased in positive terms and refraining from discussing any negative aspects of their life.
Comforting The Mourners
Above all, Jewish funeral customs are designed to provide comfort and support to the mourners. Whether it’s through the practice of shemira, the sharing of memories, or the offering of condolences, the focus is on helping the bereaved find peace and solace during a difficult time.
Jewish funeral customs have been shaped by centuries of tradition and reflect the importance of honoring the deceased and comforting the bereaved. Understanding these customs is essential when attending a Jewish funeral or offering support to a Jewish friend in mourning.
While sympathy flowers are not generally sent to Jewish funerals, other meaningful gestures, such as a donation to charity or a tree planting, can show your love and support. By familiarizing yourself with these customs and offering compassion and kindness, you can help ease the pain of those who have lost a loved one.
— Is there still a place in our increasingly fast-paced world for solemn, intimate customs like this one?
Hundreds of St. John’s residents participated in the funeral procession of Gerald J. Whitty and William King, local veterans of the First World War, after they were killed by a speeding car in Donovans in September 1924.
Spring 2018, Corner Brook, N.L.: As we leave my grandmother’s funeral, other drivers yield to our procession, even stopping on a green light to let us through so we aren’t separated. We reach the cemetery together to bear the casket into a receiving chapel for a final farewell.
Spring 2023, St. John’s: Leaving my cousins’ grandmother’s funeral, the hearse is immediately cut off from mourners by a courier van barrelling down the quiet side street. Despite our blinking emergency lights, the procession is interrupted by car after car, and we ultimately arrive at the cemetery by ones and twos, as though we had travelled separately.
The funeral cortege is a dying tradition, especially in larger centres where traffic is heavier and there’s a higher proportion of young drivers unfamiliar with the tradition of yielding to them.
Critics say we’d be better off without processions, which delay transit and occasionally even lead to accidents. Is there still a place for solemn, intimate customs like this one in our increasingly fast-paced and impersonal society?
Funeral processions have existed throughout recorded history. They emerged independently in many different parts of the world, for purely practical reasons.
An Egyptian widow weeps beside her husband’s coffin, kohl eyeliner running down her cheeks, while male relatives and colleagues follow behind the funeral sledge.
When a person dies, their remains must be transported from the location of their death to a place where their body can be prepared, then onward to their final resting place. Sometimes there’s a stop at a ceremonial space like a church or a temple along the way.
Since death is a social event — one that engages family, friends and community in commemorating the loss — it’s natural that the people who gather to honour the deceased should also accompany the corpse on its last journey.
A 4,000-year-old lament from Mesopotamia describes a king’s funeral. Weeping soldiers escorted his body to its grave, where his donkeys and chariot were buried with him to carry him the rest of the way to the netherworld.
Upper-class Egyptian funeral corteges included family members, priests, servants and sometimes musicians or professional mourners. The Tale of Sinuhe (ca. 1900-1700 BC) vividly depicts the trip to the tomb from the corpse’s perspective (translation by Roland Enmarch):
“A funeral procession will be made for you on the day of joining the earth with a mummy case of gold, a mask of lapis lazuli, a heaven over you, and you placed in a hearse, with oxen dragging you, and singers before you.”
An ordinary person might not have a golden casket, but in most places they would have the dignity of some sort of procession. Their body might be carried on the shoulders of loved ones or pulled to the gravesite on a wheeled bier followed by neighbours and friends on foot.
Ojibwe mourners bear a community member, along with food and personal belongings, to a burial scaffold. Engraving after B. Picart, 1723.
In rural communities, the distance from the deceased’s home to a cremation site or burial ground was usually short, but larger centres often required cemeteries to be located outside city limits for sanitary reasons or to preserve space for housing, making them difficult to reach on foot.
As a result, motor vehicles were incorporated into funeral processions almost as soon as they became widely available.
In 1908, the first car affordable to the middle class, the Ford Model T, was brought to market in the United States, and the first gas-powered “auto hearses” were introduced just a year later.
As car ownership became more and more common over the course of the 20th century, vehicular processions became the norm for funerals in many parts of the world, giving rise to new etiquette.
Participants in the cortege would drive slowly to mimic the sombre pace of a funeral march, and other drivers would usually give them the right of way.
These courtesies, however, weren’t always enshrined in law.
Eighteenth-century Chinese wallpaper shows a funeral procession led by musicians.
Most provinces and territories allow cars in corteges to travel closer together than other vehicles, but only five — Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, Saskatchewan, Alberta and the Yukon — actually prohibit other drivers from cutting in.
As for running red lights and stop signs, that’s allowed only under certain circumstances in Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Alberta and the Yukon, while P.E.I. is the lone province with a law requiring other drivers to slow down when approaching a cortege.
While they may have little legal protection, funeral processions can have a big emotional impact.
I had never given much thought to funeral processions until I was in one and found it comforting to see other drivers slow down or stop. After all, when someone we love dies, doesn’t it feel like the world should stop, if only for a moment?
Those brief gestures of respect not only communicate sympathy and mutual support, they acknowledge that the deceased was part of the fabric of the community. Drivers might not know who’s in the casket but may nonetheless feel the gap they leave behind — the regular customer who no longer pops into their coffee shop, the neighbour who no longer pets their dog, the receptionist who no longer answers their call.
In a culture where we’re more and more insulated from death, it’s also an opportunity for drivers to reflect on their own mortality. It’s a memento mori, a reminder that we and our loved ones will soon be making that final journey ourselves and that we should live our lives with the knowledge they will not last forever.
Diverse, urban societies are bound by few common rituals. The funeral procession cuts across cultural and religious lines and allows us to recognize our common humanity.
If you’re mourning the recent death of a spouse, the idea of dating again may seem impossible.
But moving forward is an important part of grieving, and dating doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your late spouse, experts say.
Crying a lot and wanting to share stories of your spouse are signs you’re ready to date again.
When Mr. Big died in the first episode of “Sex and the City” spinoff “And Just Like That…” Carrie Bradshaw was unsure she’d ever date again.
But as her newly single era unfolds, Carrie finds herself dating, kissing, and sleeping with a string of eligible bachelors who are in their fifties. Throughout it all, Carrie is shown mourning Mr. Big, crying over a photograph of him, making the painful decision to sell the apartment they shared, and wearing Big’s suit jackets as part of her outfits.
When someone transitions from feelings of intense pain to smaller moments of grief that are mixed in with new experiences, it suggests they’re healing from their loss, Marilyn A. Mendoza, a psychologist who specializes in bereavement wrote for Psychology Today.
“If and when you decide to start dating again, you need to understand that it is possible to be happy in a new relationship even though you are still having thoughts and feelings for your deceased spouse,” Mendoza wrote.
There’s no right or wrong time to start dating again after the death of a spouse, since everyone mourns such a massive loss on their own time, Mendoza said. But there are milestones you can look out for that signal you’re ready for a new romance.
“Try to find meaning in your life and [think about] how you can continue to find meaning while carrying on their legacy here,” Jonathan Singer, a grief specialist at Texas Tech University, told Insider.
You’ve cried a lot or spent days in bed
In order to mourn a life-changing loss like the death of a spouse, you have to allow yourself to feel emotions like sadness, despair, anger, and hopelessness, licensed social worker and therapist Shahem McLaurin previously told Insider.
It can feel overwhelming or impossible to recover in the moment, but crying your eyes out or spending a full day in bed enveloped in sadness are common ways to move through intense grief, even if it feels like the last thing you want to do in the moment. In fact, Sarah Chaves, who lost her father in 2007, wrote that screaming out her intense emotional pain helped her move forward.
As time passes, those feelings should be less acute, allowing you to enjoy parts of life outside of your marriage. But if they don’t dissipate within a year’s time, it could mean you have prolonged grief disorder and should speak with a mental health professional.
“You’ve got to go through rage, but don’t get stuck in it,” Edith Eger, a therapist and Holocaust survivor, previously told Insider.
You want to share stories about your spouse
If you’re dating after the death of your spouse, you’re bound to have sweet or silly memories pop into your head from time to time.
If you get the urge to share one of those stories out loud with a friend or even a date, you should, as it’s an empowering way to dually honor their memory and your strength, Megan Devine, a psychotherapist and grief advocate, previously told Insider.
You still feel grief, but it comes in waves
According to Eger, prioritizing your needs is another sign you’re mourning in a healthy way that’s conducive to dating.
Part of that is realizing you deserve to feel love and support from a romantic partner again, if that’s something you desire. And that desire doesn’t detract from the love you had, and still have, for your late spouse.
When you live by that idea, allowing yourself to have new experiences without your spouse, the grief will no longer feel all-consuming, according to Jacobsen.
Byrnes, a grief counselor and patient advocate, and her identical twin sister, Anabel Stenzel, were both born with cystic fibrosis, a progressive disease that damages the lungs, pancreas and other organs. It’s a condition that significantly reduced their life expectancy and meant many hospital visits.
But the illness also gave the sisters and best friends a unique perspective. “We both were afraid of death, but we also shared a joint passion for life, knowing that our time could be limited,” says Byrnes. “We knew from an early age that one of us would die first, and we actually practiced that.”
Readying themselves for that final goodbye was a big part of their shared existence – whether that meant making separate friends or entertaining different interests. And yet, when Anabel died in 2013 from cancer, Isabel’s grief loomed large.
Isabel Stenzel Byrnes (left) and her identical twin sister Anabel (Ana) Stenzel at a film screening of their film “The Power of Two” taken in 2011. Ana died of cancer in 2013 when Isa was a hospice grief counselor.
“The complete separation of someone as close as my twin was very difficult,” she says, “but I pursued things that made me feel closer to her, and I also strengthened my relationships with friends and family, and that really helped me dig myself out of the hole of grief.”
Now, through her work, Byrnes helps others with the hardships that can come with saying goodbye to loved ones for good.
She shared some advice with Life Kit on the art of thoughtfully saying goodbye – be it a, “See ya later,” a final farewell or one of the many shades of parting in between.
“Recognize the role” of the person you’re parting from
If you want a goodbye to be impactful, offer more than just a generic “Good luck on your future endeavors” or “Thanks for the memories!” Byrnes says no matter how weak or strong a relationship, any goodbye is more meaningful when you take the time to “articulate the value” of that person.
Were they your most trusted colleague? A reliable neighbor? The friend you could always count on for a laugh? Be open and specific about how someone has impacted you, and thank them for the role they played in your life.
Embrace your emotions, then let them go
When processing the grief of separation, Byrnes says it’s important not to judge your emotions. “Saying goodbye naturally evokes really intense emotions,” she says – and that’s OK. If you’re feeling big feelings, that might speak to “the enormity of the loss and the love that [you’ve] experienced.”
Allow those feelings to come — and also, to go. “Because none of us can cry 24/7,” she says.
“We cry, we let it out, and then somehow we end up maybe even talking and laughing. That’s all part of the process.” And then, over time, she says, work to let go of emotions that cost you energy or no longer serve you – things like guilt, anger or envy. Work to remember that person with more love than pain.
Practice goodbye rituals
Not everyone gets the luxury of saying goodbye face-to-face, or in real-time or at all. But Byrnes says saying goodbye is also an internal and symbolic process. Even if you can’t speak directly to the person you’re saying goodbye to, it’s still important to recognize and honor how that person made an impression on you.
Light a candle, write a letter, add an artifact to your ancestral altar or spend a solitary afternoon on the beach. Choose for yourself what ritual best serves you, and then make the time to commemorate that relationship.
Saying goodbye well takes practice
A well-crafted goodbye takes time and care – that’s not always easy. Byrnes says to keep trying anyway. “Authentic, intimate conversation can sometimes be very awkward if you haven’t done that before,” she says. “But really living in the awkwardness, feeling uncomfortable, but doing it anyway is what helps us grow as human beings.”
Though often uncomfortable or difficult, getting familiar with farewells can serve a powerful purpose.
“The other side of the coin of saying goodbye is learning how to love stronger and harder, knowing that a goodbye can come at some point in time.”
