Children don’t experience grief quite the same way as adults.
“Children pop in and out of pain and sadness,” said children’s counselor and author Donna Schuurman. “Adults tend to be more steeped in their grief — they don’t bounce in and out as much and often sleepwalk through their grief.”
Rituals can help children work through grief.
This is Children’s Grief Awareness Month, a time to consider the needs of these sometimes forgotten mourners.
Schuurman, author of the book “Never the Same: Coming to Terms with the Death of a Parent,” knows a little something about children’s grief. She has a 30-year stint with the Dougy Center in Portland, which provides a haven for grieving children and their families. She and other Dougy Center staffers have also assisted after large-scale tragedies such as the Oklahoma City bombing, 9/11 attacks and the 2011 earthquake and tsunami in Japan.
When someone dies, children grieve. Sometimes adults make the process harder.
“There are a lot of things people do to make it worse, such as not allowing kids to have their feelings, whatever they are,” Schuurman said. “We have a tendency to want to cheer people up.”
Talking about the person who died is a good thing, instead of avoiding the subject. Sharing memories helps kids heal.
“They are trying to hold on to precious threads,” she said. “Acknowledge the person with “There’s nothing I can do to bring your dad back, but I want you to know I care” or “Can I tell you a story about your dad?”
After a death, children worry about their other family members dying, too.
“Anyone could die any moment,” she said. “There is heightened anxiety.”
Children sometimes don’t have the words and experience to understand death the same as would an adult. In one Dougy Center video, a three-year-old named Myia described losing her mommy.
“I wanted to sing ABCs with my mom and she stopped singing,” Myia said. “Her body stopped singing.”
“Then what happened?” a Dougy Center staffer asked from off camera.
“She died and then I was crying,” Myia said. “It was not good. I had a bad feeling.”
The little girl’s brown eyes radiated deep sadness, more than any child should have to bear.
As with adults, a child may take a long while to grieve a loss. That’s okay, Schuurman said.
“In our society, we want quick fixes. We want to get through it,” she said. “You can’t rush grief. It’s not quick. It takes digestion time.”
Basically, Schuurman said, there’s no map for the grief journey and sometimes the process is not a linear one.
Children need to recalibrate their lives after the death of a parent, sibling or other loved one. Sometimes there is guilt. Relationships are complicated, that way. A sibling, for example, might have been someone the child both loved and hated, depending on the moment.
If a death came with a lot of physical trauma, a parent might wonder how much to tell a child about the person’s final moments. Schuurman urged candor, as much as the child can handle.
“It’s best to answer their questions honestly, but don’t tell them more than they’re asking or they are open to,” she advised.
When a child asks whether the person died instantly or whether he or she suffered, it’s tough.
“You want to say no when the reality is they were moaning for an hour,” she said. “I might say, ‘From what I understood of the hospital report, he didn’t die instantly. I don’t really know, but the body protects us from horrible pain by going unconscious.’”
Processing grief is easier when the child can spend time with other children who have suffered loss.
“Until you experience death in your own life, it’s hard to understand,” she said. “So you come to be with others who get it.”
[Y]ou first feel the breeze of it a few days before Halloween. Like that subtle sense that the barometer is dropping. Like a tide is ever so slightly beginning to turn. Something changes in the air. Excitement dances with dread.
The momentum is exponential. Inexorable. Faster and faster, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Planning. Shopping. Cooking. The post office. Parties, and then some more parties. More shopping. More cooking. Oh, and drinking. Time to drink some more!
It begins as a trickle and ends in a perfect storm: The Holidays.
Human beings invest huge chunks of meaning in the rhythm of late November and December — the days of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Entire family histories are defined chiefly by holiday memories, for better or for worse.
Which is why about this time of year I always find myself thinking of grieving families — families looking down the barrel of the first Thanksgiving and first Christmas season without gramma or grandpa, without a son or a daughter, without a wife or a husband, without mom or dad.
You see them everyday/ They wear the bravest face/ They’ve lost someone they love/ They are the grieving ones
For most us, The Holidays promise warmth and joy, if some harried stress. For grieving families, the First Holidays threaten great darkness. Those families often ask, “How do we get through the holidays?”
So here’s an early holiday gift to bereaved families facing the First Holidays. A quick primer of ideas in service to hope and healing.
Predict Sadness
The surest way to make things feel awkward and dark and difficult is to try to make them feel normal. To “put on a cheery face.” To make sure everything stays the same. See, nothing is normal. Someone you love is dead. They aren’t there. Nothing is the same.
Expect tears to flow in the midst of smiles and grandkids and gravy and gifts. Don’t be surprised when conversations lull or silence lapses. Don’t resist these moments; rather, cherish them.
Take a few moments for yourself. Step out on the back porch or into the backyard. Include a trip to the cemetery or crèche, alone or with family members. Light a candle in a house of worship, or otherwise participate in a religious observation.
Say the name of your deceased loved one out loud.
Symbolic Transfer
Was there a particular niche the decease occupied in the family? Especially around the holidays? If grandpa was known for making his famous stuffing recipe, then gramma might consider giving that recipe to the oldest son, or to a favorite grandchild. Make a dramatic presentation out of it: Would he/she now do the family the honor of preparing and bringing this dish?
Perhaps a dead brother became an Eagle Scout. Mom, Dad — why not wrap that Eagle badge as a gift to the surviving brother? Did grandpa put himself through college as a pool shark? Pass the cue stick into someone’s care.
Symbolic absence
I know a family who set a place at the Thanksgiving table for the deceased husband/father. On the back of the chair they hung the man’s raggedy fishin’ hat. Another family laid a high school letter sweater across a chair around the Christmas tree. Still another family cleared a living room tea table and created a sort of shrine to a deceased child: a photo montage, Hot Wheel car, superhero action figures, etc.
You’ll be surprised how not depressing this is. Sobering, moving, powerful, comforting — but not depressing.
Symbolic Upending
The First Holidays are a good time to introduce new traditions and practices. Instead of turkey, serve prime rib for Christmas dinner. Open gifts Christmas Eve instead of Christmas Day. Or you can get really radical, like the bereaved family I know who vacated for Christmas and all went skiing in Utah. Opened their presents around a fireplace in a ski lodge.
The point is that death leaves nothing the same. Some families find a kind of peace in holiday observations that reflect this radical change (rather than trying to pretend nothing has changed).
Yes, entire family histories are shaped by memories of the holidays. And great family histories include the history of death. This pain, this ache — it’s forming you. Shaping you. Changing you. And, if you’re willing to endure, this grief will make you more.
Grief is a noble art/ Each tear will stretch your heart/ There’s more room now for love/ God bless the grieving ones
[L]et’s face it – shopping for the perfect Christmas gift can be burdensome and even stressful for many people.
The holidays are difficult. Whether you’re trying to decide which in-law’s house to go to for Thanksgiving or how to afford the latest tech gizmo for your trendy teen, getting through the whirlwind of winter holidays is not easy on anybody. Add to the merry madness the loss of a loved one, and coping with grief during the holly-jolly season no longer looks like the best time of the year.
Karen Cantrell, president of the local chapter of The Compassionate Friends, said grieving is especially difficult during the holidays. The self-help grief support group focused its November meeting on tips for getting through the holidays without your loved one. Cantrell offered the following tips:
1. Know that the holidays are going to be painful no matter what. “Facing it squarely and planning what you do and do not want to do during that time is important,” Cantrell said.
2. Be easy on yourself and don’t put on too many expectations. “The main thing is just managing how you do things and not being afraid to ask someone to help you in decorating, cooking and holiday shopping,” she said. “It can be difficult getting out into the stores with the happy Christmas music if you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one. It can overwhelm and stress you; maybe do more online shopping instead.”
3. Change traditions if you want. “Instead of having Thanksgiving at your house, have it at someone else’s house – just change it up a bit,” she suggested.
Cantrell lost her newborn grandson, Caiden Eli Cantrell, in 2009. He was 33 days old.
“It was my son’s son, and my first grandchild,” she said. “I focused more on trying to support my son and his wife, trying to be the strong one, and about four or five months down the road, I realized I couldn’t handle it all by myself. I called the Pennyroyal Center and Mary Foster told me about The Compassionate Friends.”
The group will host a candle lighting ceremony and potluck dinner at 6 p.m. Dec. 13 at Christian County Baptist Association Building, 905 North Drive. Anyone who is grieving or offering support to anyone that is grieving is welcome to attend and light a candle in memory of their loved one.
Cantrell said keeping your loved one’s memory alive helps tremendously. She suggested hanging a special ornament for the deceased or making a donation to a charity in their honor.
“My little grandson was a baby so he didn’t get to share a Christmas with the family, but me and my other grandchildren go to the cemetery and light a Christmas tree and sing Christmas carols,” she said. “I myself like doing the Angel Tree because I couldn’t give gifts to him, so I bought those gifts and donated them to another child.”
Cantrell said it’s important to recognize that everyone grieves differently. She encourages friends and family of those who are grieving to allow them to do so.
She also said give them time and space to talk about the deceased if they want to.
“Listen,” she said. “Let them talk and do not try to offer any solutions because there’s really not anything one can do other than listen and be understanding.
“People think if you mention (the deceased’s) name you’re going to remind them, but you’re going to remind them that you think of them and loved them as well — that is a gift in and of itself.”
Cantrell said offering to help wrap gifts, cook or go with them Christmas shopping may be comforting.
“It just says, ‘Hey, I’m thinking of you.’”
Overall, Cantrell said give yourself permission to grieve, especially parents.
“It’s especially hard when you have other people depending on you, like children, and you’re trying to keep [the holidays] as normal as possible, but that’s when you’ve got to ask loved ones and friends for help.
“You can’t run from the grief,” she said, “eventually you’ve got to come back to that, but just facing it head on and talking about it with your family, about traditions you want to change, keep or skip, will help you get through it.”
Support group helps widows rebuild their lives amid grief
Alice Bishop, left, of Toledo, shares a story while laughing during a support group for widows.
For more than 45 years, it had always been “Edward and Anna.”
People who knew the Toledo couple James Edward and Anna Jones knew them together. But that all changed on Valentine’s Day, 2008, when Mr. Jones died from diabetic complications. Ms. Jones’ grief was so powerful and present that she cannot recall the days that followed his death.
“After his death, for a year I was looking down on the world instead of living in it,” she recalled. “I don’t remember anything from a year after he died. My children said I did stuff and I have no recollection of it.”
They were married 47 years.
She had her family and dog to lean on for various types of support; but not everyone has a big support system. Sometimes widows need more than friends and family: They need someone after everyone has gone home, someone to take their call in the middle of the night or help them clean their house, someone to teach them how to handle the home finances. They may need skills to compete in the job market. They may need a group that keeps them active in life and the community.
Those needs that go beyond emotional support were recognized by Toledoan Marian Idell Watson. She applied her gift of making friends wherever she goes and being a confidant to women to create W.E.S. & I, Widows Empowered Strengthened & I.
W.E.S. & I is a support group for widows named after Mrs. Watson’s husband, Wesley J. Watson. An officer with the Toledo Police Department, he died in 2014 from complications of a liver transplant.
Mrs. Watson called upon her friends, like Ms. Jones, to move her vision of the organization forward. The group was incorporated in 2015 and meets monthly. Mrs. Watson and volunteers are building a community to support widows, assist them in accepting loss, and encourage them to move forward in all aspects of life.
Mrs. Watson was inspired by a revelation she had nine years ago.
“She called me and told me she had a vision; the Lord had given her this vision of the widows club, and she wanted me to be a part of it,” Ms. Jones said.
Mrs. Watson wants to help widows while also contributing to the community.
“We can encourage the widows and lift them up. If they have gifts within themselves, we can encourage them to get back up, to get back to work,” Mrs. Watson said. “It’s not just about widows.”
She and the volunteers are already living by example. Ms. Jones is part of an advisory board charged with reaching out to community leaders and building relationships with sources that can assist widows in the long-run.
Ms. Jones is a retired business professional. She was an employment supervisor for Owens Corning for 24 years and is familiar with labor laws because of her prior experience working at the Civil Rights Commission. She will apply those professional talents to assisting widows with job searches.
“Helping is healing,” Mrs. Watson said.
Mrs. Watson knows about the dangers of being stuck in sorrow after a significant other’s death. After her husband died, a friend implored her to accompany her to Arizona. Her friend, Teresa Evans, was suffering from a fatal illness, and the trip was helpful to both.
“I had to still continue to help someone else. It helped me heal. It sort of filled a void,” she said. “Whereas I would have been home probably sitting on the couch, or probably alone crying and feeling lonely.”
Ms. Evans died in 2015.
Widows Josephine Cleaves, left, and Aleada Whitehead, right, both of Toledo, hug each other during a support group for widows at Reynolds Corners Library.
Following her husband’s death and that Arizona trip, Mrs. Watson was in deep grief and searched for a support group that provided more than mental or emotional assistance. She wanted something hands on. She did not find it, so she created it.
“I didn’t want to go to hospice. I didn’t want to sit in a group where people would pour out their feelings and cry. I wanted to be in a group where we could rise above that pain,” she said. “That’s what I needed. I knew that’s what I needed and I know that’s what God wanted from me.”
The first group meeting was attended by 12 women. Now about 25 to 30 women attend each session. W.E.S. & I is open to all, regardless of faith or background. Mrs. Watson plans to eventually create a group for widowers as well.
As Mrs. Watson has learned, widows are all around us, and after the funeral and burial services are complete, many are forgotten.
“They just come. They are just here. They are just hurting,” she said.
Dr. Tufal Khan, chief medical officer at Mercy Health’s Behavioral Health Institute, has provided psychiatric care to many people, including widows. During a phone interview, he cited the 2011 U.S. Census, which found “in the age group 65 and above, 40 percent of the females are widows. In that population it is [only] 13 percent males.”
He said the ages of his patients vary.
“The main thing is getting adjusted to the new life without their spouse. … It is a big change. Basically your whole world changes,” he said.
The timing of the grief process is dependent on how someone died. For example, in dealing with a loved one’s terminal illness, where death is expected, the grief process begins while the loved one is still alive.
“You start grieving beforehand, as opposed to someone with an unexpected or sudden death, after the death you start grieving,” he said.
Grief presents itself in multiple ways, he explained. The reaction to loss could include emotional components of sorrow, anxiety, loneliness, guilt, and anger; physiological symptoms which could affect sleep and appetite; cognitive signs such as problems with attention, decision making; and behavioral changes, such as withdrawal, loss of interest, or hopelessness.
“We say that loss is forever, but grief is not. It definitely takes time to adjust to a new life without your spouse, but you need to put your life back together,” said Dr. Khan, adding that helping others does help one to heal.
He typically recommends starting with the basics.
“Take care of yourself. Take care of your diet, exercise, sleep, go out with your friends, or spend time with family. If you don’t have family or friends, find a grief support group, because talking your way through grief helps,” he said.
He said a group like W.E.S. & I can help widows put their lives back together. W.E.S. & I also emphasizes social assistance to widows, planning fun events like dinners and bowling; a world cruise may be in the future.
The psychiatrist said it is important to identify the difference between the normal grieving process and complicated grief, which would require the care of mental health practitioners in addition to support groups.
Complicated grief typically is when someone has a pre-existing psychiatric disorder or condition, compounded by a tragic loss. The person may already be diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, or major depression.
It could also include someone who suffers a prolonged grief process where loss of appetite and sleep begin to affect physical health. A complicated grief may also include someone who cannot return to work after a reasonable amount of time. Medical attention is needed in that situation.
The degree to which the grief affects a person depends on many factors, Dr. Kahn said, including the role of faith in their lives. He said they should eventually be able to move forward without any setbacks.
“But a group like this will help them get on their feet and will help them be functional and reintegrate into their normal lifestyle,” he said.
This horrific event caused an entire community to catch its collective breath and catalyzed a network of friends, neighbors, family and co-workers who had all been touched by Bush-Lawson’s gentle and generous spirit. But it was her husband, Neal Lawson, suddenly a widower with three young children at the age of 41, who had to shoulder the burden of every family’s nightmare.
For the past 2½ years, Lawson has been managing his own loss and grief while balancing the emotional needs and daily schedules of his growing children. When I ask Lawson how he’s been able to get through the unthinkable while still being present as a dad without just throwing his hands up and saying I quit, he laughs at my perception. “Sometimes you do just throw your hands up — but not for long.”
From a position of experience and wisdom he’d never hoped to have, Lawson shares his thoughts and advice on dealing with profound loss — whether managing your own grief or helping a friend through a particularly tough time.
Don’t be too proud to ask for help. “It sounds like common sense, but it’s harder to do than you realize,” admits Lawson. In striving to keep a sense of normalcy in his children’s lives, Lawson says he leans heavily on friends and family for everything from sports and birthday party car pools to last-minute child-care favors. And shortly after the accident, Lawson’s parents moved in with him and his children for nearly a year; his in-laws are frequent visitors.
“I can’t do everything,” says the full-time tech entrepreneur and single dad. “Even when there were two of us, we couldn’t do everything.” He prioritizes his kids’ busy schedules by continually asking himself: When do I have to be there? When would it be good to be there? And when is it okay to let someone else help me with that? “You’re actually doing better for the kids by shoring up your support system with friends, family and child care so that they can continue to live as normal a life as possible without a mom. They still need to play sports, have play dates, be reprimanded and be enriched.”
Be practical. In the wake of tragedy, everyone wants to drop off food, but there are many ways to help take daily stresses off a grieving family’s plate. “One family gave us paper goods,” remembers Lawson. “It seemed odd at the time, but we used every bit of it and were thankful when we didn’t have to worry about doing the dishes.”
Sites such as SignUpGenius or SignUp.com (formerly VolunteerSpot) help organize the supporting community and allow people to sign up for things that are most needed: play dates for kids, rides to doctor’s appointments, grocery store runs. A close friend or family member can set up and monitor the activity so that it doesn’t need to be managed by the grieving party. And when friends do drop off meals, consider requesting that they be delivered to a neighbor’s house to avoid awkward invasions of privacy or bad timing.
It’s okay to say no. Not every offer of help is actually helpful. “Everyone wants to help, but people can’t always appreciate other factors that may make their timing less than ideal,” Lawson says, graciously. “Don’t be afraid to turn down an offer if it’s not helpful at that time.” But, he adds, let that person know that you appreciate their offers of help, even if their timing isn’t spot-on.
You can also say “no, thank you” to an offer to help but suggest another way or time in which you might need assistance. For example, maybe you don’t need dinner delivered because your freezer is overflowing with lasagna, but it might really help you to have someone walk your dog while you’re at your kids’ soccer tournament.
Create something good. As a way to honor Jenn’s life and work through his own grieving process, Lawson and his family members founded the Jennifer Bush-Lawson Foundation, which helps economically vulnerable mothers and infants get access to lifesaving pre- and postnatal care.
“This is a matter that was near and dear to Jenn’s heart,” her husband explains. All three of Bush-Lawson’s pregnancies were complicated, and all three of their children were born prematurely. “We had given to organizations that supported those needs in the past, but establishing this foundation in her name was a way to formalize the legacy of her generous spirit.”
This Saturday, Nov. 19, 2016, the foundation will host its second annual 5K and family fun day. “This is also a way for the kids to get involved with carrying on their mom’s memory. In the weeks before, we hand out fliers to neighbors on the race route, we put out yard signs, the kids ask to ‘train for Mommy’s race’ with me. It gives them opportunities to ask questions and talk about Mommy, and it’s a positive way to keep her memory alive.”
Be a great listener for your kids — and don’t shy away from answering tough questions. Lawson points to fostering open communications with his kids as probably the most important thing he can do for them. “I don’t ever want them to feel like they can’t come to me with questions. I answer them honestly, but in a way that won’t scare them,” says the single dad. “I want to give them a safe space where they can talk about anything from having a sad or emotional time to telling me that they’ve done something wrong. I still want them to understand that actions have consequences, but that actions accompanied by ownership and accountability can lead to a less severe level of consequences.”
Lawson credits modeling that behavior himself with helping him establish the groundwork for open communications with his kids — stepping out in front of his emotions, for example, or saying, Hey, I made a mistake when I came home after a bad day at work and blew up at you, and I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry. “It’s so important that they be able to trust me,” says Lawson. “Because they’ve only got one parent to go to, they need to be able to go to that parent.”
Understand that you will always be grieving but that the grieving process will change over time. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date, notes Lawson. “It’s important to acknowledge that it will constantly be part of our lives, and that it will come and go in waves — and that’s okay. You need to observe it, listen for it, and put the resources and tools in place to get through it.”
Lawson also says he’s discovered that the grieving process changes as his kids mature. He compares it to reading “Harry Potter” at age 5 and then again at age 12. “The kids are going to understand it in a lot more depth at age 12,” he observes.
Keep traditions alive, but allow them to evolve. Every year, the Lawsons spend the holidays in Colonial Williamsburg as a family. “That’s a tradition that won’t change,” says Lawson. This year, however, they skipped their traditional fall trip to the pumpkin patch. “I really wrestled with this,” Lawson confesses. “I was thinking Jenn would have taken these kids pumpkin-picking, but we just didn’t have time.” Instead, they grabbed pumpkins from a nearby shopping center and spent the day carving them. “We ended up having a blast. And in some ways” — and here Lawson chokes back tears — “maybe it allows them to hold on to the memories that they have of their mom even more.”
If it doesn’t serve you, let it go. I asked Lawson if the nature of his wife’s accident influences the way he protects his kids. He admits that while he dealt with bouts of anxious fear at first, it wasn’t long before he realized they couldn’t live their lives in a bubble.
“I try to focus on the things I can control and make the best decisions I can along the way. Just like Jenn — she didn’t make any bad decisions that day. It wasn’t her fault. It was just a terrible, terrible tragedy.”
Lawson says that his faith has helped him through much of the past two years but that not having any lingering hate or anger has also helped keep him more even-keeled. “At some point I was even questioning why I didn’t feel angry, but really I was just so thankful that I didn’t. It could have taken me down a completely different path.”
Lawson also quite intentionally chooses how to focus his energies. “If I decided to live in fear, anger or hate, it wouldn’t make anyone any better, and it certainly wouldn’t create an atmosphere where the kids could thrive. I focus on the positive and draw energy from things that will lead me to an uplifting place.” Here he pauses, as if in gratitude, then continues: “I think if you choose other emotions to dwell on, they’ll redouble themselves. I try to be purposeful in the ones I choose to focus on and then ride the others out.”
I walked to the cemetery with a friend today. The sun was shining brightly. Blue skies, flowers, and golden sunlight.
It’s a beautiful cemetery, full of life, love and beauty. As we walked, we talked about death, dying and bereavement. We discussed how the process of dying isn’t just about the dying person but about everyone involved.
Someone who needs help to do things is not only receiving care, they are allowing their loved ones and carers to give. It’s a gift from both sides.
Dying people, in allowing living people to ‘serve’ them, are helping mould and shape their loved ones bereavement and grief process. I’ve heard countless stories of how comforted those left behind feel when they recall all the things their loved one consented for them to do at the end.
Are dying people unconsciously allowing their loved ones to feel helpful? Feeling useful in turn makes us feel wanted and secures our position as someone important and special.
My final gift to my grandfather was his physical care, his final gift to me was granting it. As sad as I felt that his life had ended, I knew I’d done all I could and I felt he knew it too. I believe my grief was gentler and his death was easier to accept as a result of the care he’d allowed me to give him.
Research shows the need for acknowledging the enduring bonds we continue creating with our loved ones after they have died, and the importance of accepting the changes in our feelings and thoughts during grief.
We don’t ever get over bereavement. The feelings of loss don’t get any smaller but as our lives evolve and grow it becomes more manageable.
Some days we will feel loss as acutely as the day it happened. Other days, we will feel more at peace with our reality.
Accepting bereavement in our life is difficult, but there is no escaping that grief is a part of life, in all the forms it takes – the ‘anticipatory’ loss and the actual loss. We grieve before someone dies and again, differently, when they do.
Grief is multi-faceted and complicated and its impact is felt in all aspects of our life. It has no quick fixes or shortcuts and it can be terribly lonely. Reach out, we’re all here to help:
The last words Antonio Sanchez ever heard were whispered by his 21-year-old daughter, Raquel.
Sanchez had been diagnosed with terminal cancer only a year prior. The sickness, which had started in his colon, spread to his liver.
The diagnosis was grave. Overnight, minutes and hours had become a precious commodity.
There were many days spent in faith and laughter in that final year, but on that cold, grey California day in February of 2001, hospice workers called Raquel home from work, and she knew that their time together was coming to an end.
The pair was able to say goodbye in what Raquel describes as a beautiful experience — one that both comforts and haunts her to this day.
“I was the only one in the room when he passed,” Raquel said. “I was a little bit of a wild child in my teens, and I told him that I was sorry … that he was the only man I had ever loved. He wasn’t really conscious at that point, but I know he heard me. I said my goodbye, and then he was gone.”
Raquel, who had been planning to move to San Diego before the diagnosis, remembers the time after her father’s death as both heartbreaking and numb-like.
“My mom took his death really hard,” she said. “So it was left to me and my brother to make funeral arrangements. I just remember picking out a casket and feeling numbness.”
Now, at 37, Raquel said she knows that even though she believed she was coping well, she did not accept the reality of her father’s passing for a long time.
“The grief was consuming,” she said. “But at the time all I could feel was anger, and I don’t think I realized that was part of my grieving process.”
•••
Grieving is a very personal process, according to Matthew Metevelis, spiritual care supervisor at Nathan Adelson Hospice. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and many people worry that they are fundamentally flawed in some way because they aren’t progressing in a way they find acceptable.
“When it comes to death and dying, there are stages of grief, and they can come in any order or not at all,” he said. “There are so many variables and the process is intensely personal, so it’s hard to put a strict schedule on it. I’ve had people want to talk because they’re not crying or they don’t feel angry,” he said. “They wonder why they aren’t going through the stages ‘properly.’ But there’s no such thing.”
Raquel said she felt guilty for not being as sad as her mom appeared to be, but she still experienced a long period of sadness.
“It was my faith that got me through,” she said. “And there came a point where I was tired of feeling sad all the time, and I had conflicting feelings about that. Then I’d remind myself of how lucky I was that he was my dad, and that I got to say goodbye.”
Metevelis said that one of the most important components of grieving is self-compassion.
“Grieving is natural,” he said. “If you have loved someone or something and it’s not with you anymore, grief is how that love continues. But it’s important to remember that you’re not broken. It hurts, but you will get through it. Society teaches people to run from their grief. It’s uncomfortable, but I recommend that those suffering run towards it. Embrace it. Try to understand it. This is where healing begins.”
Metevelis said that staying mired in intense grief without progression for longer than approximately 18 months might be signs of a deeper problem, and that those who find themselves stuck should consider joining a grief support group or private counseling. He said Nathan Adelson Hospice offers free bereavement groups, and more information can be accessed on the hospice’s website: www.nah.org.
“The biggest challenge is getting through the first year with anniversaries and reminders of your loss,” he said. “But if you’re doing the hard work of rebuilding your life, the pain becomes more of a dull ache over time and continues diminishing. The pain never goes away but the intensity lessens. You will never forget your loved one. You will always miss them. You will always be bothered by the fact that they aren’t with you. But the loss of them in your life will no longer be blinding and debilitating. And you will be surprised when you look back just how far you have come.”
Metevelis said that the old model of grief management treated the condition like a disease that could be cured with the right therapy, medications or processes. Now, it’s better understood that the experience of grief oscillates between the dual tasks of understanding the reality of the loss and building a new life after the loss. Part of the difficulty is that you’re never quite all the way out from under it.
“What helps is really trying to tap into your emotions and face them head on,” he said. “Practice self-care. Focus on things that give you a sense of meaning and purpose. Make sure that your life honors the legacy of your loved one. These are things that can give you a sense of meaning and purpose and help with the recovery process.”
All these years later, Raquel still tears up when talking about her father. There’s a wistful sadness just beneath the surface when she murmurs his name. But now she can talk about him. In the beginning, it was too hard.
“One of the things that really helped me was attending grieving support groups,” she said. “Being around people going through the same thing helps lighten the burden. When you have someone to relate to, it helps to keep things in perspective and to remember you’re not alone.”
For Raquel, honoring the legacy of her father has meant keeping strong in her faith and living a life she knows he would be proud of. Today she’s a talented social media and public relations professional, a reality she said was made possible only with the work ethic and characteristics garnered from her father.
“He was very outgoing, the life of the party, he had a million friends,” she said. “Those are some of my most prominent memories of him. I had friends who would come to hang out with him and not me. He worked hard, but he had fun. At the time it annoyed me, but now I see how blessed I was to have him in my life. It makes me smile when people say I remind them of my dad. I had the best dad on the planet.”
