Category: Grief

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What got me through the grief: The best advice from one widow to another

By Jan Robinson

[W]hen I wrote my first book Tips from Widows, I gathered advice verbally from 29 women who had lost their husbands. When I wrote my second, Tips from Widowers, I found that the 15 men felt more comfortable writing their feelings down for me, rather than speaking them aloud. 

Widows and widowers, I discovered, do heal differently – and now a report backs this up. According to Independent Age, which surveyed more than 2,000 bereaved people aged over 65 from the UK, women are more likely to open up about their loss – but they also suffer greater feelings of loneliness.

More than half of women said speaking to friends helped them deal with grief, compared to a third of men. Indeed, 32 per cent of men did not turn to anyone for support after the death of a family member, compared to 18 per cent of women.

Following her husband’s death in 2015, Sheryl Sandberg said that she was a member of a widows club that ‘no one wants to join’

Yet, 30 per cent of women found loneliness the hardest thing to cope with, compared to 17 per cent of men. The report found that feelings of loneliness lasted, on average, for eight months but that a fifth of those bereaved still felt lonely after three years.

In my experience of speaking to widows, the problem for many is that their social life diminishes and, for some, stops altogether. Added to which, those widows who prioritised family over career can struggle with the financial implications and responsibilities left for them to sort out. Their status as a widow can sap their confidence and many never have another romantic relationship.

So for any woman (or man), young or older, currently suffering after – or preparing for the death of a loved one, here are some tips from real-life widows to help with the grieving process.

  1. It is absolutely essential to do one of the following two things if you know your partner is very ill. Set up a joint account and make sure that all Direct Debit payments for your family and household go through this (and not through a sole account in their name). Set aside a sum that you know will be sufficient to carry you through the worse-case probate scenario.
  2. Only if it is what you both wish, get married or become civil partners. Do so at once or at least make the appropriate pension nomination if that is what you both want.
  3. Encourage each other to talk about these matters well before either person has become too ill.
  4. In the very early days, the telephone will ring constantly. The emotional strain of answering every call will often be too great. It is a good idea to switch on your answerphone whenever you feel like it, or alternatively, to get a friend or adult child to answer on your behalf.
  5. Do involve your children in all the arrangements and decisions with regard to the funeral arrangements for their father; also, take your time, if you follow a religion that allows that.
  6. Do encourage grandchildren to go to the funeral or cremation. In the case of very young children, it is for the parents to decide whether they should attend.
  7. Don’t try to be too brave.
  8. Allow yourself to BE and not DO all the time.
  9. You will inevitably do some foolish things.
  10. Smile – it will make yourself look and feel better.
  11. Be a really good friend.
  12. Don’t be surprised to find yourself crying, even after many years.
  13. If you are still angry see your doctor . Listening to your anger is not much fun for your family or your friends.
  14. Recognise that fear and anxiety slows healing see your doctor.
  15. You are alive and your departed husband would wish you to embrace your remaining years.
  16. Be very careful when using internet dating. Both widows and widowers are more vulnerable.
  17. If as a widow, you do meet a lovely man, remember you can have intimacy with no sex [and sex with no intimacy!]
  18. You might be alone – but you have your precious self.

 
Complete Article HERE!

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Pets grieving over loss of another pet still open to question

By Lowcountry Paws

[F]requently people will ask me following the loss of a pet if the other pets in the home grieve as the humans do. I have always responded that, yes, I think they must even though I have no proof of this. Maybe I am assuming they respond as we do, making them little people and assuming they share/experience feelings in the same way as myself (anthropomorphism).

Last fall I was glad to read a study titled ”Owners’ perceptions of their animal’s behavioral response to the loss of an animal companion,” in the Nov. 2 online, open–access journal Animals (http://jav.ma/animalgrief).

The authors noted that it has been well documented that the impact of the loss of a pet in some people is as great as the loss of a human. Many people go through the same grieving process when a pet is gone as they do upon losing a human family member. However, research documenting the impact other pets experience when a companion animal dies is not well documented.

There is some thought that grief in humans and in animals may aid in their survival. This grief may cause the remaining animals to bond more, keeping the group together, which would increase all of their chances for survival.

An example given as a possible display of animal grief is the response of farm animals following artificial weaning. For humans to obtain milk from cows or goats, the offspring are removed from the mothers at an early age and placed on a milk replacer. This allows us to remove the milk for our own consumption. The calves will attempt to reunite with their mothers and manifest behaviors such as vocalizations, altered feeding patterns, stoppage of play behaviors, increased stress hormones and increased heart rates. The difficult thing to prove is, are the animals acting this way from the grief of separation from their mothers or is it just separation from their source of food, and it is a physical not an emotional response?

To understand if pets experienced grief, the study authors compiled a questionnaire. This was distributed through 100 veterinary clinics in Australia and New Zealand to 5,500 parents who had lost a pet within the past five years and had up to two remaining animals. The study was pretty simple and asked about changes in the following seven behaviors: feeding, sleeping, vocalization, elimination, aggression, affection, and territoriality. Of the 306 surveys returned 279 were compete enough to include in the study.

In dogs following the loss of a companion, parents reported close to five behavioral changes. Changes in affectionate behavior were common with 35 percent seeking more (26 percent being clingy/needy) and 10 percent seeking less affection.

Around 30 percent of dogs were reported to seek out and spend more time at the deceased’s favorite spot. Close to 30 percent of dogs slept more. A third of dogs were reported to eat less and at a slower rate than they had before the loss. For most dogs these behavioral changes resolved in two to six months.

For cats the loss of a companion resulted in 40 percent demanding more affection (22 percent being clingy/needy) and 15 percent seeking less affection. Owners reported 36 percent of cats seeking out the deceased favorite spot. Almost half of the cats had a change in vocalization behavior with a 43 percent increase in frequency and a 32 percent increase in the volume. As for dogs these changes in cats lasted two to six months.

An interesting finding was in the small number of pets who had lost a four- legged family member of a different species (e.g. dog losing a cat). They manifested similar behavioral changes as when the loss was of the same species.

Pet parents often ask me if the remaining pets should view the deceased’s body and I have struggled with this answer. Here I know I anthropomorphize, I routinely say no as I personally want my last memory of a deceased family member to be as they were alive, but I always leave this up to the parents.

In this study 58 percent of dogs and 42 percent of cats viewed their deceased companion. There was no difference in behaviors noted between those that viewed the deceased and those that did not. So based on this information I will continue to let Mom and Dad decide.

How do we know if the humans were not assuming the emotions they were feeling also were being shared by their pets? Were the pets acting differently because their parents were and they were not really grieving at all?

The authors conclude that further study is needed to definitively determine if and how our pets grieve. Even if they do not grieve the same as I do it is hard for me not to believe they have some type of a negative “feeling” from the loss of a companion.

Complete Article HERE!

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Tips to make it through Valentine’s Day after the loss of a significant other

 

[T]he heart-shaped boxes of candy and cupid-themed decorations started appearing on store shelves around the same time the New Year’s decorations were coming down. While Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a time to celebrate romantic love, it can be an emotionally painful holiday if your partner or spouse has recently passed away.

“Numerous studies have shown that the grief caused by the death of a spouse or partner can seriously affect your mental and physical health,” says Robin Fiorelli, Senior Director of Bereavement and Volunteers with VITAS Healthcare, the nation’s leading provider of end-of-life care. “Even if you feel like you’re coping well with your loss, holidays can be especially challenging.”

If the loss of a loved one is making you dread this Valentine’s Day, Fiorelli and the grief professionals at VITAS offer some tips that can help you manage your loss:

Respect your grief

“Grieving is a process that takes time, and everyone goes about it in their own way,” Fiorelli says. “Don’t feel like you have to set aside your grief because it’s a holiday, but try not to let negative feelings overwhelm you, either.”

Mourning is the expression of your thoughts and feelings surrounding your loss. Talking with someone about your feelings can be a helpful way to express them, especially during difficult times like holidays.

Seek support

Although grief can seem like a private experience, isolating yourself on Valentine’s Day may only make you feel worse. Try to spend part of the day with someone who cares about you. Have dinner with single friends, plan a Valentine-themed meal with your children, or find a bereavement support group to attend on the holiday.

If you’re already a part of a support group, ask other members about how they cope. Not only will you be sharing time with people who understand what you’re experiencing, you might learn valuable coping skills.

VITAS Healthcare offers grief and bereavement support to family and friends while the patient is undergoing care and then, following his or her death. VITAS also opens its bereavement support events to people in the community who are mourning.

Treat yourself

Tokens of love are an integral part of Valentine’s Day, so when we lose a loved one, not only do we grieve their loss, but it’s also natural to grieve the loss of those tangible expressions of affection. As an example, if your spouse always gave you roses on Valentine’s Day, buy yourself flowers if having them again this year would make you feel better.

Treating yourself to something nice is a way of taking care of yourself; buy something you’ve always wanted — maybe indulge in a day at the spa or a meal at an expensive restaurant.

Avoid judgment and negativity

Sometimes people are not as patient and understanding as we need them to be. For example, if your partner has been gone for some time, you may encounter someone who thinks you should be over your loss by the time Valentine’s Day approaches. Distance yourself from that kind of judgment, and instead spend time with people who understand that grief takes time, who can allow you to openly share your thoughts and feelings, and who let you reminisce about your loved one when you need to. It can be helpful to share memories of past Valentine’s Days that you celebrated with your partner or spouse.

Likewise, when you find yourself feeling particularly negative, it might help to instead make a list of people, things and circumstances in your life that you’re grateful for. Spend some time meditating, praying or exercising — whatever helps you regain your perspective.

“Loss is a natural part of life and grieving is our natural way of dealing with loss,” Fiorelli says. “It’s important to recognize your grief for your departed partner, and how you cope with grief will be as unique as your relationship was.”

Complete Article HERE!

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Men face unique challenges in resolving grief

[W]hile our culture continually challenges men to engage more in “traditionally female” activities at home, our cultural expectations of their behavior are not often in sync with these notions, especially when it comes to expressing feelings and emotions.

Our society expects men to avoid expressing feelings, to endure stress without giving up and to be able to bear pain. We do not expect to see men openly cry, to express loneliness, sadness or depression or to demonstrate other emotions.

When it comes to dealing with the death of a loved one, men often suppress their grief in light of cultural expectations that they remain strong and in control. But suppressing sadness over a loss can have a long-lasting, even permanent, negative impact on a man’s emotional health. Left buried, unresolved grief can cause prolonged turmoil, bitterness, family problems and ill health.

Hospice of Michigan understands men’s unique needs and offers grief support to help them express and find healthy ways to deal with their feelings.

It starts with an understanding of grieving style. According to Dr. Kenneth J. Doka, senior consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America, grieving is not based on gender, but on style. Doka believes there are three types of grievers. Intuitive grievers talk about, and show, their emotions. Instrumental grievers think through their grief and are “do-ers.” Blended grievers are a combination of both grieving styles.

Additionally, some people are more private about showing their emotions. Hospice of Michigan’s grief support groups address the fact that not all men are comfortable talking to other men about their grief.

Gender stereotypes also influence how grief counselors help men process their grief according to personality labels society assigns:

  • A man who grew up believing “boys don’t cry” learns that grief does not lessen him as a man
  • A “competitive” man who always strives for the best understands that while he can’t “beat” death, he can redirect his fight in beneficial ways
  • A “protective” man who feels responsible for his family and friends focuses on the blessing of what he was able to do for his loved one
  • A “provider” who immersed himself in work to ensure his family’s security receives coping skills to navigate the natural difficulties in returning to the workplace
  • A “problem solver” who fixes everything around the house resolves the guilt he feels for not preventing death
  • A “controller” who likes to be in charge of everything realizes grief is unpredictable and, while he can’t control his emotional response, he can channel his behavioral response in positive ways
  • A “self-sufficient” man who was raised to be independent learns that letting his down his guard and sharing feelings with others is actually a sign of courage

Grief counselors help men process grief by working through their shock, pain and anxiety; emotional, social and physical difficulties and feelings of guilt. Men are encouraged to find new goals and directions in restructuring their lives.

“There isn’t a cookie-cutter approach to effectively deal with grief,” Karen Monts, practice manager, counseling services for Hospice of Michigan, said. “We all experience life from our own unique perspective. If our natural responses to circumstances conflict with society’s expectations of how we ‘should’ behave, dealing with the grief over losing a loved one can be especially difficult. For men who feel obliged to remain stoic because that’s what’s expected of them, their unresolved grief can lead to even bigger problems down the road. It’s important for everyone to freely express pain and sadness.”

Complete Article HERE!

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Understanding and Dealing with the Death of a Partner

By Tony Del Percio

[I]t does not matter if you’re straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender: we are all human beings who have the capability to love and be loved. From the moment we are born, we develop bonds and attachments to people, places, and even things. When that bond is separated and detached, especially because of death, we experience grief and loss.

Grief is an intense emotional and psychological suffering related to any type of loss we may experience. Depending on the bond and the relationship, grief can last a few days or several months. Yet for those who have experienced a significant death, grief can last up to two years. Grief does not just involve the emotional but also the physical. The feelings we experience are neither right nor wrong; they just are.

It can be difficult for us in the GLBT community when a partner/spouse dies or even when we go through a serious break up after being together for a long period. Still in our society there are those who will never accept same-sex relationships or marriage or the fact that two people of the same sex can love just as much as a heterosexual couple. I can remember running a support group for men in San Diego whose partners had died, and some of these men had been in long-term relationships and yet had no legal rights over their partners at the time of death. The family of one of the deceased came and took the body and never recognized the two of them as a couple. The surviving partner never had a chance to say goodbye because in many states the next of kin has the legal rights. That is why it is so very important that couples in the GLBT community have the legal papers that will honor the wishes of the couple before a serious illness or death, because you may not have any rights. Luckily, our society is changing and becoming more open, accepting, and acknowledging of same-sex relationships. Love is love.

It also may be difficult for a partner to talk about their loss with family, friends, and coworkers if they are not out. The lack of support leaves those to grieve in what feels like solitary confinement, which could lead to a greater isolation and a deeper depression.

When dealing with a death or a serious break up, we will experience a wide range of emotions and physical reactions. We may experience shock, denial, depression, anger, guilt, abandonment, insomnia, lack of energy, memory problems, confusion, concentration difficulties, forgetfulness, social withdrawal, chest pains, panic attacks, and headaches as well as other symptoms. These are normal reactions. For some, the emotional pain may become so intense that they will find ways to mask their feelings with increased alcohol or drug use or by taking various unhealthy risks because they may feel they have nothing else to live for. Men, in particular, have a difficult time doing their grief work because of what they have been taught over the years: “be strong,” “it’s finished so move on,” “men don’t cry,” or “pull yourself up by the bootstraps.” Over the years, the lack of understanding feelings, expressing them, and dealing with various losses such as coming to terms with sexuality, divorce, abuse, poor self-esteem as well as other losses has led to substance abuse, abusive relationships and suicide. Men must learn to find healthy ways to express feelings and not be embarrassed about them. Some members of the GLBT community may not have the love and support they need in coping and adjusting to death.

For many, the funeral is the easy part. It is the weeks and months after it when reality sets in and we become more aware of the void in our lives. We know in our heads that our loved ones have died, yet our hearts do not want to believe or accept it. As you begin the mourning process, you need to understand that not only are you experiencing grief, but you are also going through a period of stress and adjustment as you begin to make changes in your life now as a single person.

It is important as you begin the mourning process to be open and honest about what has happened and to accept the fact that your loved one has died. Once you can accept and move from your head to your heart, you can begin to heal. As you move through the process, you will feel like you’re on an out-of-control roller coaster ride, especially around birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. For many, the sixth month often becomes more difficult as reality really sets in. We will experience triggers of sights, smells, sounds — especially music — that will turn a good moment to a bad moment in a second. Depending on the type of death, there may be more heightened feelings such as anger and guilt. It is okay to be angry since we may feel cheated or that we did not have enough time with our loved ones. Guilt is where we say, “If only…” “could have…” “should have…” It is more important that we come to an understanding of our guilt, whether it be real or imaginary. In sudden deaths, there may be unfinished business in the relationship or intense guilt that we may need to get past to truly accept reality. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time.

At some point, it is Important to begin letting go to heal and find a new purpose. Our grief is not about the person dying as it is more about the loss of the relationship: someone to hold, someone to talk and share each day with, someone to cuddle and hold hands with. You will grieve the loss of dreams and a future with your love. You might also experience the loss of identity, especially if you were in a long-term relationship. In other words, “who am I?“ becomes very unclear. It is crucial that we not rush or deny our grief. For some of us, we may find that older unresolved losses from our past come to the forefront.

The following are some helpful hints for dealing with loss: recognize it, you are not alone, give yourself time to heal, keep decision-making to a minimum, beware of being on the rebound, don’t rush into a new relationship, set goals, keep a journal, drink plenty of water and eat well. And know that you will survive.

As you grieve, it is important if you have children to allow them to be open and honest about their feelings and take time to share stories and memories. If the kids are younger, put together a memory box with personal items and photos. Depending on the age of a child, be as open and honest about the death, yet do not overwhelm him or her. Plus, never tell a child something that may need to be undone later. In other words, never lie to a child about the cause of death. Allow the child to participate fully in the funeral, no matter what age he or she may be.

As you grieve the death of your loved one, it may be important to find a support group of others who are experiencing the same things. This may be a difficult task since many of the groups out there are mostly made up of older individuals who have been married for many years. These people may have trouble understanding a same-sex relationship and may not be respectful of your mourning. Otherwise, you might find that you are comfortable sharing your grievances with close friends and family.

If you are reading this and know someone who has experienced the death of a partner/spouse, here are a few tips on how you can help that person cope and adjust: give them your physical presence, just be there. Do rather than ask. Most people who are grieving do not like to ask for help. Keep the subject on them, this is not a time about you. Do not rush the person through their grief or try to find them a new relationship. Never minimize a person’s loss. Be with them for the long haul because for some this may be a long process.

Complete Article HERE!

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6 Things to Do for a Family After the Loss of a Baby

Most of all, be proactively there and present for your friend.

by

Watching a friend or loved one go through the heartache of losing a child can be a horribly painful thing to do. If you yourself have experienced such a thing, then the pain is acutely familiar to you; but if you haven’t, you may not have the first clue about what to do or say. Below are six things to you can do to show that you’re there and that you care.

1. Be proactive.

If a friend or a loved one has just lost a child, you may be inclined to reach out and say to them something like, “Please let me know if there’s anything at all I can do to help,” or perhaps, “Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything from me.” But how often do people in need readily and comfortably reach out? If you’re sincere in your offer to help, be proactive and offer it outright instead of waiting to be asked. Rather than sitting around and expecting the family to come to you in their time of grief, put a life preserver right within their reach, and place your hand directly in theirs.

2. Feed them.

One of the last things a grieving family wants to think about after the loss of a child is meal-planning, cooking, and cleaning up — especially if they have children in the house who don’t understand the level of grief they’re experiencing. If you have the capacity to make a home-cooked meal, to bring takeout, or even to just provide them with a gift card to their favorite restaurant, then do it at the first opportunity you have. They’ll be so grateful for the thought, for the meal and for the provision you gave them.

3. Hope for the best, but assume the worst.

Maybe you yourself have experienced the loss of a baby, or maybe you haven’t — but an important thing to remember is that grief is not linear, and the course it takes through each grieving parent is deeply personal and unpredictable all the same. Time will pass, and you will find yourself as an outlet of support hopeful that the wound is healing — but do not assume that it has just yet. Triggers abound, and the loss of a baby will be with its mother for the rest of her life; so try your utmost to allow her an abundance of safe space to grieve, no matter how much time has passed or the extent to which you figure she should have moved on by now.

4. Commiserate and empathize.

The last thing a person wants to hear after the loss of their child is that it was for the best, that it was meant to be, or that it all happened this way for a reason. Put yourself in a grieving family’s shoes and remember that platitudes and placations have no place. Instead, do everything you can to empathize, to console and to be a haven where sadness, anger and hopelessness can abound freely and without reservation. Be an outlet for that grieving mother to process everything she’s feeling — whether she chooses to lament outwardly, to curse the ground she walks on, or to retreat deep within herself for an extended period of time. Allow her grief take its course.

5. Show grace.

Don’t be offended if she doesn’t readily interact with you, return your calls or much acknowledge you at all. This isn’t personal, nor is it the time to analyze the health or status of your relationship. People grieve in different ways, and it’s important to show all the grace you can while you watch from the outside as a family processes the loss of their child.

6. Send a text.

If you’re up to your eyeballs at home, if you’re living a thousand miles away, or if you just don’t otherwise have it in you to be on the front lines, do what you can to remind your friend that you’re there, that you love her and that you’re thinking of her. Whether or not she replies right away doesn’t matter; she’ll be endlessly grateful to know that she’s on your mind, because the silence from the people she thought would be there for her can be otherwise deafening.

Complete Article HERE!

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How to Help an Elderly Parent Deal With the Death of a Spouse

 

By Michael Lewis

[V]elta Lewis died the morning of May 15th in the arms of her husband in the home they had purchased upon retiring three years previously. Her death, nine months after the diagnosis of lung cancer, occurred shortly before the couple expected to celebrate their 52nd wedding anniversary during a two-week trip to Paris. My father was devastated. Over the following weeks, I would find him sitting alone in their darkened family room – no television, no radio, no conversation to break the silence – staring with red-rimmed eyes into the past, trails of tears upon his cheeks.

If you have experienced the death of a loved one, you understand how grief can stun, even take you to your knees. In the midst of your own pain, it is easy to forget others who suffer. However, in the case of a parent whose spouse has died, it is at this time that your strength and compassion is most needed.

Dealing With the Death of a Spouse

Members of the Greatest Generation were no strangers to death. My dad had experienced the passing of his grandmother as a young boy, and witnessed her body resting in the parlor of their house for final viewing, as was the custom in those days. He had spent almost a year in Europe during World War II, losing buddies to the ravages of battle. In the ensuing years, he and my mother buried parents, relatives, and friends, the funerals becoming more frequent as they grew older. They were religious people, neither fearing death, sure of their place in eternity.

But generally, the natural order of life is for husbands to go first, not wives. They had worked and saved over the years, expecting to enjoy 5 to 10 years of travel and seeing grandchildren before Dad’s time to go. Mother dying first was unnatural in the grand scheme of things – unlikely, but not impossible. In fact, according to the U.S. Census figures in 2012, husbands are 3.2 times more likely to die before their wives, with 36.9% of women older than 65 widowed compared to 11.5% of men over age 65 who are widowers. To my father, all of their shared preparations for their final days were suddenly pointless.

Even when husbands die first, the toll on the surviving wife can be equally overwhelming, particularly if the death is unexpected. The survivor loses not only a mate, but a long-term partner, an everyday companion, and, commonly, a caregiver. Grief and sorrow as well as guilt for being a survivor are common feelings and take time to reconcile. Many survivors report a deep sense of loneliness and isolation that can take months, even years to overcome; the closer the marital relationship, the more depressed the surviving partner is likely to be.

Their grief can sometimes have fatal consequences if untreated. A 2013 study by the Harvard School of Public Health found that a surviving spouse over the age of 50 has a 66% increased risk of dying within the first three months of the spouse’s death. Physicians often refer to the “broken heart syndrome,” or stress cardiomyopathy, the result of a sudden stress like the unexpected death of a loved one.

If the couple is ill or frail, the consequences of the death of one of the partners is particularly distressing for the survivor. Together, they can live independently by relying on each other. When one dies, the other may not be capable of living alone, and must cope with the loss of their spouse and, possibly, their independence.

Ironically, surviving spouses who are better off economically are likely to be more depressed. According to Rutgers Professor and sociologist Deborah Carr, “Those who own a home may do worse because they have the added strain of caring for a house. They may be more socially isolated, lonely, and even afraid of living in a home alone, compared to surviving spouses who live in apartments and have neighbors close by.”

Since many elderly couples divide the tasks of everyday living – for instance, one may cook meals and mow the lawn, while the other pays bills and handles home repairs –  the loss of one of the partners may leave the other unequipped or unable to add the new tasks necessary for everyday existence. For instance, Jackie Buttimer of Bethesda, Maryland had never balanced a checkbook and rarely used a computer before her husband of nearly 50 years died in April 2010. “It’s a huge learning curve, and I had never lived alone,” says Buttimer.

The Role of Children and Friends

Losing a partner affects older adults in multiple ways: Some may continue to function without appearing to be excessively affected, while others are incapable of completing the smallest task. At the same time, you will be grieving for the loss of a mother or father and perhaps recognizing your own mortality. It is important to handle your own grief and fears, but remember that losing a mate is not the same as losing a parent. If possible, your priority should be to comfort your parent first, recognizing that, at times, you may need to withdraw to grieve and recharge.

Do not be reluctant to ask for help from other family members or friends. Many people are willing to help, but hesitate to intrude during this very emotional time. They need your guidance to help in ways that are beneficial, whether it is providing meals, performing needed household duties such as washing clothes or mowing the lawn, or spending time with your parent in conversation and consolation.

There is no definite mourning period or average time to return to “normal.” People do not easily get over their pain; they eventually learn to cope with it as time softens the loss. Some parents may want to talk about the deceased, while others avoid the subject, especially if the death was painful or unexpected. Take your cues from your parent.

Shortly after my mother’s death, my father and I took a week-long automobile trip to visit the locations of his childhood, the hours in the car filled with his recollection of the memories of their life together. We laughed, we cried, and we both felt better. Remember that grief will usually resurface in the years ahead at holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and any special family days. If and when emotions resurface, it is important to acknowledge and share the feelings.

The Immediate Aftermath of Death

Even with well-planned, predetermined arrangements, there are a number of responsibilities that require attention following a death. The surviving mate may be overcome with grief so these duties must be completed by a child or another representative of the family. They include:

  • Notification of the Proper Authorities. If the death occurs at home, as in my mother’s case, a hospice representative and a physician are required to pronounce death and dispose of any restricted pharmaceutical drugs remaining unused. If the death was unexpected, a coroner or medical examiner may be required at the scene. The medical personnel typically make arrangements to transfer the deceased to the mortuary of choice.
  • Making or Reviewing Funeral Arrangements. In many cases, arrangements have been made concerning the disposition of the body (burial or cremation), burial sites, and funeral services. The arrangements need review, and occasionally change to accommodate the last wishes of the deceased or surviving spouse. This is a particularly emotional time which some unscrupulous funeral directors may attempt to exploit by up-selling to more expensive caskets, extensive flower arrangements, or elaborate tombstones. The best counsel is to follow the wishes of the deceased as close as possible, assuming the arrangements were made under less emotional circumstances.
  • Contacting Family, Friends, and Clergy. Family members, often spread across the continent, need to be contacted and informed of funeral arrangements, with time between the death and service for those to travel if necessary. Close friends should be contacted personally with the request that they contact others who might wish to pay their respects. Churches often respond immediately when noticed of a member’s death with offers of meals and other help.
  • Notifying Legal, Financial, and Government Authorities. While these duties can be delayed until after the funeral and receipt of death certificates, the Social Security Administration should be notified so that monthly benefits can cease and survivor’s benefits can be initiated, if available. Life insurance claims should be filed. Institutions which provide jointly-owned bank accounts, credit cards, or other property need to be notified and provided with proper documentation to transfer ownership as dictated by the will of the deceased. If an attorney has not been previously involved in estate planning, seeking counsel to proceed most efficiently to probate any will and settle the estate may be wise.
  • Delaying Payment of Medical Bills for the Deceased. In the weeks following my mother’s death, my dad was deluged with medical bills relating to my mother’s care and death, even though the costs had been incurred in her name and covered by Medicare. Information systems in the medical industry are notably inefficient, outdated, and inaccurate. As a consequence, many providers continue to bill my deceased mother, even though accounts had been previously paid or were not legally due. My father, wishing to honor my mother’s good name, would pay the accounts, being unable to determine whether the balance was legitimate or not. In the event of a death, it is wise to delay any medical payments for the deceased for a minimum of three months so that billings and collections can be properly recorded and amounts owed properly reconciled.

Depending upon the planning preceding the death, the ability of the survivor to handle legal and financial matters, and the complexity of the estate, there will almost certainly be additional cases where the help or guidance of a child to protect the interests of the surviving parent will be necessary.

Signs of Continuing Grief in the Elderly

Many people appear to quickly bounce back after a tragic event, but appearances can be deceiving. According to the American Hospice Foundation, some signs that your parent is still grieving include the following:

  • Forgetfulness. Missing appointments, locking keys in the car, or mailing unsigned checks with bills are all signs that your surviving parent may have difficulty focusing. Be patient and suggest written reminders to stay focused.
  • Disorganization. Taking longer or failing to complete one task before beginning another is often seen in grieving adults. Written schedules can help.
  • Inability to Concentrate. Grief causes the mind to wander, so reading a book or watching a television show can be difficult. Be especially alert if your parent continues to drive an automobile or operate dangerous machinery.
  • Lack of Interest or Motivation. Your parent may question the purpose of life or why any effort is worth doing. Listen to them, express love and support, and keep trying to get them involved in something beyond their immediate environment.
  • Fascination With Death or the Hereafter. While it’s natural to think about it following a death, a fixation on death combined with depression can lead to suicide. Involve a therapist immediately.

Specific Problems That May Arise

While most people gradually recover from the death of a long-term spouse, there are unique problems and circumstances that can complicate or extend the healing process. As their child, you should be cognizant of the potential areas which can cause obstacles and seek to minimize them.

1. Loss of Independence

The death of a spouse emphasizes the physical fragility of the survivor. As people grow older, muscle strength declines, and problems with balance and gait appear. Neurological conditions such as Parkinson’s, high blood pressure, neuropathy, and vision problems such as glaucoma and cataracts can cause unsteadiness and falls, and may require certain medications. A pair of people living together can look after one another and call for help when necessary – but a person living alone lacks that security.

If your elderly parent wants to live alone but may be subject to falls, consider improving the physical environment of the home by removing loose rugs, installing railings on stairs, adding ramps, and putting grab bars in the bathrooms. Adding a home monitoring system may give you and your elderly parent peace of mind.

2. New Tasks to Learn

During the 50-plus years he was married, my father rarely wrote a check, paid a bill, or determined which investments were made in the family’s retirement accounts. In other families, the wife may have let her husband take care of all financial matters. Some surviving partners do not know how to cook or to drive a car.

When a spouse dies, the survivor is required to assume new responsibilities, which can be overwhelming. Fortunately, technology has become increasingly simple, so that even the most unfamiliar can learn basic tasks necessary to everyday life. Encourage your parent to sign up for community courses for the elderly in local colleges, universities, local chapters of the American Association for Retired Persons (AARP), or senior centers. They may find friends with common interests and learn new skills that will allow them to connect with a broader world.

3. Financial Complications

Problems with the level or management of assets can arise after the death of a spouse. For example, a husband and wife typically draw two Social Security checks each month. With the death of one spouse, income is reduced. Annuity or retirement plan distributions may also be changed. In many cases, the deceased spouse may have been responsible for making day-to-day management decisions in the family retirement portfolio, expertise that is no longer available with the passing of the partner.

Depending upon the will and wishes of the dying spouse, control of the assets may rest solely with the survivor, potentially complicating efforts to protect their financial interests. Unfortunately, surviving elderly spouses are popular targets for con-men, crooks, and unscrupulous investment salesmen. If you have suspicions that your parent is unable to rationally make investment decisions or under the influence of those who do not have his or her best interests in mind, seek legal help immediately.

4. Loneliness and Depression

Intermittent periods of depression and loneliness invariably accompany the death of spouse. In fact, healthy grieving is a process that can last for months or years. However, as time goes by, the periods of loneliness and depressions usually become shorter while the periods between depressions extend. In some cases, however, months can go by without any sign of improvement. Mental professionals call this condition “complicated grieving.”

Signs of complicated grief include the following:

  • An inability to accept that death has occurred
  • Frequent nightmares and intrusive memories
  • Withdrawal from social contact
  • Constant yearning for the deceased

Grief has physical consequences – loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, headache, fatigue, muscle tension – which generally result in decreased exercise, deficient diet, and an over-reliance on medication. If your parent seems to be stuck in a continuing cycle of depression, seek psychological help and encourage them to talk to friends or a spiritual advisor.

Remember to Take Care of Yourself

Trying to help your parent recover from death-related grief is akin to rescuing someone from drowning. You may be struggling with your own depression and feelings of guilt and regret. If you find that you cannot help your father or mother without sacrificing yourself in the process, ask for help from other family members, a friend, or a mental health professional.

Take time for yourself and your immediate family and seek a support group if necessary. Be sure you maintain a good diet, keep exercising, and get plenty of sleep. And focus on the good memories of the parent who is gone as well as the one who survives. Remember that time will eventually lessen your pain.

Final Word

My father eventually followed my mother in death. He was unafraid, even excited, since he believed that his wife was waiting on the other side, and the two would spend the rest of eternity together.

While helping my dad through his grief at my mother’s passing was at times inconvenient and frustrating, I have no doubt that our relationship deepened and strengthened as a result. If the occasion arises where you are called to help one of your parents after the death of your other parent, welcome the opportunity to share your grief and express your love. Like births, death can show us the joy of life and family.

What other tips can you suggest to help a parent deal with the death of a spouse?

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