— To start, you will probably be unprepared, no matter how much time you have to get everything in order
When my brother suggested that my father move in with him last year, it seemed like a no-brainer.
Dad was almost 91 then, and couldn’t really live alone any more. My husband and I (and our grouchy teenage son) lived near Dad, but we were feeling the strain of grocery runs and doctor appointments — and worrying about our son’s iffy high school grades.
If Dad moved in with my brother and sister-in-law, he’d have support and care; we’d be able to focus on getting our son from high school to college; and my brother would get a little extra income. A win-win-win!
So why didn’t things go as planned?
Hello, Blind Spots
Turns out that despite our best intentions (and you know what they say about good intentions), we were woefully unprepared — like many other well-meaning, middle-aged “kids” who take in a parent.
“Typically there’s no planning when an elderly parent moves in,” says Jennifer FitzPatrick, MSW, author of “Cruising Through Caregiving: Reducing the Stress of Caring for Your Loved One.”
“Despite our best intentions (and you know what they say about good intentions), we were woefully unprepared — like many other well-meaning, middle-aged ‘kids’ who take in a senior parent.”
That surprised me. If you’re in the middle of a health or financial crisis, as many families are when they take in an older parent, of course there’s no time to stop and think. But we had a few months to lay the groundwork for this transition — the timing, the cost, the logistics.
While those practical issues are important, many families experience a kind of caregiver shock because they underestimate the impact of the move on their personal time and space, their relationship with the parent/grandparent, and even the emotional dynamics within the immediate family itself. “A lot of people worry about the big things,” FitzPatrick says. “Like, what if Mom falls in the middle of the night? But it’s really the little things that build up.”
Given that multigenerational households in the U.S. are increasing, you’d think our collective ability to foresee some of these problems would also be expanding. But although over 50% of those living with adult relatives other than a partner or spouse say it’s convenient / rewarding all or most of the time, 23% say it’s stressful all or most of the time, and 40% say it is stressful some of the time, according to a 2021 survey by the Pew Research Center.
Surprise #1: Meet Your New Roomie
Why, exactly, is it so hard to adjust to the realities of shared living quarters with your aging mom or dad? Because . . . after decades of not living with your parent(s), FitzPatrick says, suddenly you’re roommates, with all the intimacies and frustrations that come with that arrangement. Like: Where do you put the used pull-up diapers? Is there a senior Diaper Genie? Should you just use a regular Diaper Genie?
Sorry to get right to the nitty-gritty, but these are the things that come up.
So, while rearranging the furniture and getting your parent to their physical therapy appointments is essential, also brace yourself for a string of minor irritations in the day-to-day that can really fry your nerves.
Surprise #2: Past Is Still Present
Making the roommate vibe worse is that your new roomie is actually your parent, and you’re not starting with a clean slate; you’re carrying some baggage. Whatever your traditional patterns are with your mom or dad, they don’t go away just because now they’re depending on you. As FitzPatrick put it: “The dynamics are so wonky.”
“Once your elderly loved one roommate moves in, everything gets magnified.”
Wonky is as good a word as any to describe how convoluted it feels like to deal with an aging parent who no longer calls the shots — yet they may think they do, or they may try to, or you may let them — or you may find yourself in a constant state of irritation and guilt because — wtf!
You know?
So while it’s tough to anticipate what the likely tension points might be, it’s not impossible. You just have to be honest with yourself — because once your elderly loved one roommate moves in, everything gets magnified. Being aware that these complicated feelings are naturally going to arise, in one way or another, can help you to spot them and — maybe — find more rational (or compassionate) ways to ease the situation.
Getting therapy is also a thought.
Surprise #3: Mind the (Expectation) Gap
When a senior parent moves in, one of the things you do to age-proof the house is to remove tripping hazards: slidey throw rugs, say, or your kid’s skateboard that lives in the foyer.
In the same way, you have to find a way to identify and articulate hazardous intra-family expectations so they don’t knock you sideways.
One of the biggest expectation gaps in families, FitzPatrick says, is around downtime. I thought she was going to flag money as a hotbed of miscommunication and crossed expectations. Because it is. But downtime can be even worse in a family caregiving situation because expectations can get muddled on so many levels.
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