By Rachel Lewis
Sex after pregnancy loss is not just sex. It’s complicated sex.
For starters, there’s the whole grieving thing. Can you – should you – experience pleasure in the middle of grieving a loss? If you had infertility before or after your loss, sex might become a matter of getting down to business. You might be feeling conflicted about your body because of your loss. Maybe you’re trying to come to terms with your postpartum self. Plus – hormones. A lot of them. Oh, and did I forget to mention that you and your partner might be on completely different wavelengths on when, how often, and whether to try for a baby or to prevent?
Like I said. Complicated.
Before we break down why sex after pregnancy loss is complicated – and the phases your sex life might go through – let’s get down to basics.
When it’s safe to have sex after pregnancy loss
You may be wondering when you should start having sex again. The answer to that is largely personal based on all the circumstances of your loss. However, the first step is always to make sure you’re cleared by your provider to resume sex. If you had an uncomplicated, early miscarriage, your provider may OK you to start the next cycle. You need to avoid having sex while your cervix is open to reduce your chances of infection. You should not insert anything into your vagina for two weeks following your miscarriage.
If you had a complicated or later loss, your doctor will likely recommend you wait longer. For stillbirth or live birth ending in a loss, you may need to wait a full six weeks. A general rule of thumb: Wait until your bleeding has stopped. Again, factors such as if you had surgery, how far along you were, and if you experienced complications can affect how long your provider will tell you to wait“All About Sex and Intimacy After a Miscarriage or D and C,” Ashley Marcin, Reviewed by Valinda Riggins Nwadike, MD, MPH, Healthline Parenthood, February 29, 2020..
When sex feels safe again.
Sex is vulnerable. And when you are already in a tender state of grief, sex can be triggering. You might be reminded of when you got pregnant with your baby who died. You could be unsettled wanting to get pregnant, but then terrified of getting pregnant. Your relationship might be a little more fragile than it once was. There are many reasons why it can be hard for both you and your partner to be in the mood.
The phases of sex after pregnancy loss
Sex is as individual as the couple. But when it comes down to doing the dance, there are a few stages loss couples often go through when it comes to physical intimacy.
You might hit all of these in rapid-fire succession – or you may skip quite a few. But you’ll probably experience at least some of the following stages:
Don’t even think about it.
You might know you’re in this stage when you make sure your partner never sees you naked, just so they don’t get any ideas. You may feel panic when they start to touch you or instantly shut down. You may not come to bed until they are fast asleep. Or you may just frankly tell them, “Don’t even think about it.” You could feel anything from simple disinterest to complete repulsion. Whatever the cause, whatever the effect, sex is the last thing you’re in the mood for.
Have sex – then cry.
Maybe it’s been a day, a month or a year, but you finally feel ready. Sex feels not only okay, it feels good. You feel close with your partner, and for at least a little while think this was a good idea. And then it happens … you’re triggered. Maybe you’re remembering having sex to get pregnant or having sex while pregnant. Or maybe it’s nothing that cerebral at all. You just know that one minute you were having sex. And the next, you’re crying.
I want to. But physically, I can’t. Or it hurts.
Emotionally you might be ready to hit the sack with your partner again, but physically your body is saying no. Perhaps you haven’t yet gotten the clearance from your doctor. Or you have a wound, such as a tear or incision that is causing extra pain. Whatever the case – if you are emotionally ready for sex, but it’s not safe physically, explore some alternatives to help you achieve the intimacy you want with your partner.
Don’t get pregnant, don’t get pregnant, don’t get pregnant.
Two of your most basic instincts – procreation and survival – go head-to-head in sex after pregnancy loss. On the one hand, you might associate sex with your desire and ability (or inability) to have a baby. And on the other, you may feel like there is absolutely no way you’d survive another loss. The resolution: Strict lockdown on all things baby-making. Condoms? Check. Birth control? Check. Ovulation predictor kits used to prevent sex during ovulation? Check. You want to have your baby. But because you can’t, right now, you just need to focus on surviving.
I feel so numb, I just need something to make me feel anything at all.
When people talk about grief, they almost always associate it with sadness. But you know that sadness is sometimes preferable to not feeling at all. Sex provides a bit of an escape from the numbing. For a short time, you can feel something, anything.
I have a super complicated relationship with my body right now.
Chances are, you want to feel sexy and confident in your skin. But a loss of a child in pregnancy or after can seriously mess with your relationship with your body. You might feel angry at it for “failing” you. You might feel like it doesn’t deserve to feel joy or pleasure when your baby is gone. Or maybe you are just dealing with your body looking and feeling completely different. You may have scars that remind you of your loss that you’d rather not expose. Sex might expose areas you are already feeling particularly vulnerable.
Ready to try again for a baby.
And by ready, we really mean not ready at all – but you figure it’s time to start. If you didn’t deal with infertility before, this stage might look a lot like casual sex. Just without any protection. What is not the same, however, is the obsessive thinking afterward about whether “this was it.” And before, you likely weren’t quite this compulsive over the next two weeks checking for pregnancy signs.
Check ovulation. Text husband: “Sex, now.” Transaction occurs. Legs in the air. Then do it all over 48 hours later.
If you don’t have time for casual baby-making, or you have dealt with infertility before, your version of sex after loss might look a lot more regimented. And frankly, not as fun. Because conceiving again usually means having sex regardless of your current mood. On the one hand, this focus on sex and timing gives you something to focus on besides your loss. It makes you feel like you have some measure of control. On the other hand, it often feels like a transaction, one your mind and heart can be absent for, as your body only is required. While regular sex can be good for your partnership, scheduled sex like this can be draining for you both.
I want sex because I need to be close to my partner.
You and your partner are both grieving, and one thing you need right now is to feel a close connection. You need to know that somehow, you’ll get through this together. Both men and women can find comfort in an act of intimacy during grief. Sometimes, it’s the one way you can communicate your love for each other when words fail.
Sex after pregnancy loss is complicated.
As you work to figure sex after loss out, give you and your partner lots of grace. You have the right to wait however long you need to or want to. Have clear communication with your partner on your expectations and show your partner the same respect. It can take a long time to physically, mentally, or emotionally be ready to have sex after pregnancy loss. Give it time.
While it is complicated, sex after pregnancy loss is worth having.
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