Tag: Sex and Intimacy

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How to navigate dating after the death of a partner

People can sometimes feel guilty for moving on, but they shouldn’t

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Losing a partner is one of the hardest things a person can ever go through.

While it wanes, the grief never leaves. As humans, we merely learn to live with it.

And feelings associated with loss can be complex – particularly when it comes to the thought of potentially dating again, or becoming romantically involved with someone new.

While, understandably, this may not be on a bereaved partner’s mind for some time, if (or when) it does happen, it can be difficult.

There are many reasons for this, some more obvious than others.

‘Many people who’ve lost a partner find it difficult to consider meeting someone new because they may tell themselves that it would be as if they were trying to replace the person they’ve lost,’ explains relationship expert Rhian Kivits.

‘They may feel like they’re being disloyal or that moving on is fickle. 

‘Some even fear the judgment of friends and family and the idea of meeting someone new is shrouded in shame.

‘Others sometimes worry that potential partners will be put off by the fact that they’ve been bereaved, as it can feel like a heavy burden to carry into a new relationship.’

There are lots of things to take into consideration but the most important element is to be kind to yourself and move at a pace that feels comfortable to you.

Experts have shared some other things to keep in mind.

How to deal with feelings of guilt and anxiety

‘Remember, living a meaningful and full life is the best antidote to death’

‘Re-establishing a romantic or a sexual dimension to one’s life can feel disloyal to the person you’ve lost,’ says senior therapist Sally Baker.

‘Plus, developing a new physical relationship can provoke anxiety in someone who has been monogamous for a long period of time.’

Sally suggests that all of these fears and anxieties are natural – but that they might feel greater than necessary if a bereaved person is pushing themselves to get back out there intimately, before they are emotionally ready.

So, it’s important to move at your own pace.

However, feelings associated with guilt are often complicated and it’s not always connected to starting a new relationship.

‘People can sometimes even feel guilty for surviving when their loved one has died,’ Sally explains. ‘I would remind them that the person who they lost wouldn’t want them to just survive, but to thrive.’

Dr Venetia Leonidaki, Doctify-reviewed consultant psychologist and founder of Spiral Psychology, agrees.

She says: ‘Even though your partner died, you are still alive. Living a meaningful and full life is the best antidote to death.’

Dr Venetia echoes Sally and suggests considering what you think your partner would want for you, and how you would feel if it was the other way round.

‘If things had turned out differently and you were the first to die out of the two of you, how would you feel about your partner starting a new relationship?’ she adds.

‘Your love for your partner never dies. You may always carry your partner and your shared memories within you.

‘However, this doesn’t mean that there will be no space in your heart for someone new.’

Try to not let feelings of guilt consume you, and remember that this doesn’t mean you are replacing your partner.

‘It helps to acknowledge that you’re not looking to replace your loved one, and to remember that the new people you’ll meet are unique, so they’ll bring different qualities and experiences into your life,’ adds Rhian.

‘You deserve to enjoy companionship, affection, love and sex and you still have a precious life to live.’

Know there’s no timeline

Every person is individual when it comes to their readiness to date after bereavement.

‘Rather than impose a timescale on it, I prefer to encourage the person to understand their motivations for dating,’ says Rhian.

When someone has found peace and acceptance around their loss and feel ready to begin rebuilding their lives, this is when someone is likely to be ready.

‘If they’re using dating to avoid or alleviate their grief, or they have the idea that dating will help them erase the past, they’re probably not quite ready yet,’ she continues.

While there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ time, Sally suggests that, often, the most acute pain of a bereavement fades to a more manageable level between a year and two years.

‘However,’ she says, ‘there is no carved in stone timeline and the circumstances of their loss and the quality of their relationship means feelings of sadness can be exacerbated or eased.’

She adds that it’s completely acceptable not to feel ready for a long time.

However, you may have to learn how to navigate other people’s expectations and be very clear what’s up for dialogue or discussion.

Don’t worry about what other people think

Some people may feel that there is a ‘stigma’ attached to moving on too quickly with rebuilding your life.

However, this fear of other people’s judgments could prevent you from getting back into considering dating, stresses Dr Venetia.

This is why it’s important not to place emphasis on what other people have to say, and listen to your own emotions.

Family and friends will likely have had a relationship with your partner as well, and this can impact their opinion on things.

‘There will always be people who believe the bereaved should stay in mourning and never embrace a new life,’ says Sally.

‘However, a close brush with mortality that losing a loved one can bring often spurs people on to live their life as fully as possible – or at least to believe it’s their time to make decisions that suit them best.’

Sometimes, it can even go the other way, with people who care about you usually being too keen to find solutions that they think will make you feel less sad.

‘Suggesting or even pushing you towards a new relationship may be how they express their concern towards you,’ says Dr Venetia.

‘They think that this is what will make you feel better. However, you will know best when (and if) you are ready to meet a new person. Take your time, listen to your heart, and don’t allow anyone to rush you through.’

Ultimately, experts say it’s not up to anyone but the individual to decide whether it’s time to start dating.

Rhian adds: ‘If other people are judgemental, it’s possibly because they haven’t fully processed the bereavement themselves or have a fixed perspective based on misplaced morals.’

However, she stresses that most friends and family will want the person to be happy, and understand that the desire for company, love, affection and sex is only human.

Fill your life with other things

Find other things that bring you joy

While moving on might be the right thing for some people, it’s completely acceptable if you feel that you don’t want another partner in your life.

‘After their partner’s loss, many people find ways to live a fulfilling life which do not involve a new relationship,’ says Dr Venetia.

She suggests that finding other ways to fill your life with happiness is a good tactic.

‘Spending more time with friends or family, focusing on work, discovering new hobbies, reconnecting with your faith or spirituality, travelling, helping others or finding ways to honour your partner’s memory,’ she continues.

‘All of these things can all give meaning to your life and bring joy.’

Go at your own pace

For those who do decide to put themselves back out there after such a loss, it can be scary – however, you are not alone.

‘Take your time and go at your pace,’ suggests Sally.

‘Try to resist pressure from others to meet their expectations. You’ve suffered a huge loss and earned the right to put your own needs first.’

It’s normal for things to feel a bit strange at first and there’s never any need to rush or make commitments.

Rhian adds: ‘Be clear about your boundaries and what you feel able to offer a potential partner.

‘And know that if it doesn’t work out, or if feels like it’s a mistake, you can pause and return to dating again when you feel more aligned.’

Consider asking for help

While it’s completely understandable, and acceptable, to not want to move on, there might be a time to think about asking for professional help.

Rhian advises the following: ‘If you are concerned that you’re stuck in your grieving process, if you suspect you’ve developed anxiety or depression or worry that you’ve become too fearful to date, it’s worth talking through your concerns with a therapist.’

Whatever happens, never be afraid to ask for help if you need it, don’t worry what other people think and take steps to do whatever feels right for you.

If you’re struggling and think you need help from someone more removed from the situation, you could also contact a support organisation such as Cruse Bereavement Care.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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My wife is grieving for her mum and feels guilty about having sex

“I don’t want to be disrespectful of her grief, but I’m struggling.”

By Suzi Godson

My wife recently lost her mother, to whom she was very close. Understandably, it has really affected her in many ways, one of which is that she feels guilty having sex. She says that’s because she’s enjoying herself, and feels that she shouldn’t be. I don’t want to be disrespectful of her grief, but I’m struggling. What would you advise?

It is difficult to communicate the pain of losing a parent. Whatever the relationship with the parent was like, it is a seismic event for children of every age. Death can create feelings of existential loss that can take a long time to recover from.

You don’t say whether your wife’s mother’s death was sudden, but even when death is expected, it still comes as a shock. Grief must be able to happen at its own pace. Sometimes a grieving person doesn’t have any energy or desire for sex, and they are less motivated to have it because they don’t get the same physiological rewards from the experience.

If your wife is struggling, missing her mum, feeling depressed, it is not surprising that she does not feel very sexual. Grief comes and goes in waves, and even when people appear outwardly to be functioning well and carrying on with life, deep down they may still be suffering. When feeling this way, it can be difficult to surrender to the pleasure that comes with sex. The fact that it may feel as though she is depriving you of intimacy will not be lost on her either, and that may be exacerbating her feelings of guilt.

That your wife lost her mother is also important because research suggests that the death of a mother tends to have a much more profound emotional impact than the death of a father.

In 2006 Dr Elizabeth Lawrence at the University of Nevada explored Gender Differences in Grief Reactions following the Death of a Parent and found a relationship between avoidant coping styles, depression and grief in bereaved women (but not in men). However, when the gender of the deceased parent was examined, the death of a mother – but not a father – was related to increased levels of grief and psychological distress in males and females.

The grief that people experience after bereavement can be very isolating and lonely, and it may seem to you that being intimate might help her to feel less so. Indeed, when people are very sad, intimacy (physical and emotional) can be a hugely important part of the healing process. However, you need to be patient about sex.

The best – in fact the only – thing that you should be doing right now is trying to support your wife emotionally. The worst thing you could do for her, and for your relationship, would be to put pressure on her or give her a deadline to “get over it”. The emphasis needs to be on showing empathy and understanding, not satisfying your sexual needs. It is important to reassure her that you are there for her and that you are comfortable to wait as long as it takes.

If you had a good sex life before, it will come around again in time. But what your wife may need now is hugs, not orgasms. Prioritise her needs, and you will probably discover that kindness and empathy turn out to be a much more effective form of foreplay. Anyone who has felt incredibly sad knows that when a sexual partner is very caring, the non-sexual touch that is such a big part of being supported through a period of intense grief can end up leading to physical intimacy. It is a very different, gentler sexual experience, but it can be a hugely important part of the healing process.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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After Pregnancy and Infant Loss

How Can Couples Stay Connected & Grieve Together?

By Dr. Lexx Brown-James

October is special for a lot of reasons and one of which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss month (PAIL). PAIL is a true trauma that test lovers’ will, relationship, and self-preservation. This month, I brought in an expert, Jeanae M. Hopgood, MFT, M.Ed, PMH-C (@black_angel_mom) to help educate about PAIL, talk to us about resources and how to preserve a relationship when PAIL hits close to home.

Dr. Lexx: Who are you and what are your credentials?

Hopgood: I am an individual, couple/partner, and family therapist specializing in sexuality & sexual identity, perinatal mental health, perinatal loss, family creation, and family of origin challenges. I am also a mother of three (one earth-side, and twin daughters who passed), an author, owner & CEO of JHJ Therapy, LLC, and creator of the Black Angel Mom brand (virtual community, support groups, journal and blog).

Dr. Lexx: What is PAIL and how do we use October to honor it?

Hopgood: PAIL is an acronym for Pregnancy and Infant Loss.  October is PAIL Awareness month and involves several global, as well as local events. PAIL Awareness Day and the Wave of Light occur on October 15th yearly. Some people also use the opportunity to have small gatherings to honor their children that have passed; particularly when there are unclear birth or death dates. Others may choose to use the time to address their loss(es) in private during this time of year, with candles, or journaling, or looking through memorabilia.

Dr. Lexx: How did you come to have a passion for this work?

Hopgood: I have always had an interest in perinatal health and mental health, as well as family creation; however, my specific focus on perinatal loss came out of my own experience with the phenomenon. On June 7, 2017, I gave birth to my twin daughters, Aviva Monroe and Jora Nirali, at just shy of 17 weeks (16w 7d) gestation due to Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes (pPROM).
My daughters were born alive just after 9pm that evening and died shortly after. Them dying was the biggest, darkest, deepest state of grief I have ever experienced. I was already working as a therapist and had some awareness and skill with coping; however, nothing could have prepared me for the depths of pain I would feel. Writing became [such] an outlet for me that I also decided to create a blog. So, the Black Angel Mom blog was birthed.

Dr. Lexx: What are some of your favorite tools to help with grief?

Hopgood: There are many ways one can approach the work but one of my favorites is just telling your story. Particularly in the case of perinatal loss. For folx with this experience, this is literally the only story they will have about their lost loved one (llo). It’s the only memory(ies) of their llo, so it is crucial for them to be able to tell that story.

In terms of actual, tangible tools, my journal is my fav! The Black Angel Mom Guided Journal is chock full of exercises and activities to help identify specific parts of the grieving process, set boundaries for oneself to help create emotional safety with partners, family, and friends. It also has a ton of free-writing space, processing space after activities, and coloring pages that folx can find relaxing. The journal is good for individual use, as well as use with a support professional (i.e., a therapist). I will also soon be releasing a card deck full of conversation starters and processing prompts for personal use, and/or use with your therapist or support group, and partners. Subscribe for the release or join the Facebook Group to connect!

Dr. Lexx: With loss of a wanted child, there is often a rift between lovers. What tips do you have to help people reconnect to their intimacy?

Hopgood: The loss of a child is traumatic, regardless of the gestational age. It feels unnatural for children to die before they have ever really lived any life. The brain literally struggles to compute this information.  It tries to make sense of the nonsensical because it’s super distressing to not understand something. This is the case with perinatal loss too.

Lovers/Partners/Couples are both individually and collectively trying to understand WHY their pregnancy ended or their baby died. It’s not uncommon for the pregnant person to blame themselves and/or for their partner to blame them.

1. Blame can too often lead to shame & guilt, which are both intimacy-killers.

Intimacy — as in feelings of emotional closeness, safety, security, vulnerability — can be heavily damaged during periods following perinatal loss. It is not uncommon for partners to stop talking to each other about their feelings. Sometimes this is because they do not know what to say, sometimes one partner doesn’t want to trigger the other partner, sometimes one partner appears to be managing “well” so the perception is that they aren’t grieving “enough.”

I think one of the most important tips is to remember that everyone’s grief looks different. There are no grief olympics. When partners stop comparing their grief experiences, they are more inclined to seek understanding and empathy. Another tip is to keep talking to each other! Grief is hard and sometimes it makes you want to turn inward: away from the world and away from connection. Though alone-time is sometimes needed, it can also be dangerous to intimacy. Intimacy is about connection, not disconnection. Don’t stop talking to each other and don’t stop asking questions.

3. Seek support.

Find that support group. Find that therapist who specializes in grief work and/or perinatal loss, and also in sex therapy when possible. Support groups can provide a sense of solidarity and understanding, while therapy helps with actual interventions and deep unpacking of issues affecting relational health.

4. Grace is required.

My fourth tip is to be gentle with your bodies and do things that bring it pleasure. After perinatal loss, the relationship to one’s body can be more complex than ever. Depending on the circumstances, the body may have also recently experienced immense pain and discomfort. Healing is required.

Doing things that simply make your body feel good (e.g. dancing, yoga, sexual acts depending on clearance from a doc, exercise, massages, acupuncture, etc.) can help to nurture and change the relationship to the body making physical and sexual intimacy more desirable.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual Bereavement

— A Challenge That Few Talk About

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When Sarah’s husband died of cancer at the age of 50, they had been married 25 years. An accomplished man, active in their community, he was deeply missed and Sarah’s circle of friends joined forces to help her through her mourning. Support and succor were offered, but after eight years, when one friend suggested she try to help her create an online dating ad, she remarked that no one had even brought up the subject in all that time. “I know everyone accepted that I deeply loved my husband, and that was part of it,” Sarah says. “But it was as if my life as a woman died along with him in my 50s.” But she had been lonely for the intimacy she had shared with her husband, and was very relieved when someone finally brought it up.

This problem is one that Dr. Alice Radosh, a neurobiologist who lost her husband, terms:

” ‘Sexual bereavement,’ which she defines as grief associated with losing sexual intimacy with a long-term partner. The result, she and her co-author Linda Simkin wrote in a recently published report, is ‘disenfranchised grief, a grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned and publicly shared. … It’s a grief that no one talks about. … But if you can’t get past it, it can have negative effects on your physical and emotional health, and you won’t be prepared for the next relationship,’ should an opportunity for one come along.’ ”

Most adults retain sexual feelings as they age and statistics show that they are sexually active, despite popular misconceptions. The New York Times reports: “In a study of a representative national sample of 3,005 older American adults, Dr. Stacy Tessler Lindau and co-authors found that 73 percent of those ages 57 to 64, 53 percent of those 65 to 74 and 26 percent of those 75 to 85 were still sexually active.”

Older adults are often embarrassed to make their interest known, fearing ridicule or disapproval. Even health care professionals routinely fail to inquire about their older patients’ sexual health. Widows have the added burden of feeling, in some cases, that finding a new partner is disloyal to their lost loved one. Some, interested in intimacy but not necessarily remarriage, are ashamed to be associated with what they see as negative social stereotypes of sexually active older women. Despite considerable progress in our attitudes about sexuality, there is still a great deal of discomfort surrounding this topic.

The Times wrote about a recent survey that found:

“Even women who said they were comfortable talking about sex reported that it would not occur to them to initiate a discussion about sex if a friend’s partner died.” The older the widowed person, the less likely a friend would be willing to raise the subject of sex. While half of respondents thought they would bring it up with a widowed friend age 40 to 49, only 26 percent would think to discuss it with someone 70 to 79 and only 14 percent if the friend was 80 or older.”

Younger widows also feel the “disloyalty” factor when experiencing sexual longings. But older women face another common obstacle to re-entering the romance arena: the older they are the longer they are likely to have been out of “circulation.” There are a few common issues that tend to worry these women. One is that they feel intimidated about starting up a new romance with an unknown person after so many years of marital intimacy. Another major factor is worry about the “baggage” that they bring to a new relationship, usually in the form of children and their problems. No matter how grown-up, our children tend to be central to our lives, and worry that a stranger may not accept them or vice versa is common.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Death Doulas Can Be Especially Necessary for Folks in the LGBTQ+ Community

By Gabrielle Kassel

According to a survey of 1,528 LGBTQ+ people focused on the state of the LGBTQ+ community in 2020, conducted by the Center for American Progress, more than one in 10 LGBTQ+ people say they have been mistreated by a health-care provider, and 15 percent say they put off or completely avoided medical care in response to such discrimination. And those numbers are even higher for trans folks, with 33 percent saying they’ve had to teach their providers about being trans in order to receive appropriate care, and 38 percent saying they’ve dealt with a provider who was visibly uncomfortable with their gender identity.

Historically this has meant that queer folks have had to shoulder the burden of educating others and also being discriminated against in health-care settings, even in their final days. In recent years, though, that’s started to change with the rise of death doulas entering the end-of-life-care industry to help those who are dying make that transition. And for members of marginalized communities, like LGBTQ+ folks, such care can be especially necessary.

Death doula, defined

Sometimes called a death midwife, transition guide, end-of-life helper, or end-of-life-doula, a death doula does for the dying (and their loved ones) what a birthing doula does for a to-be parent (and their loved ones). “A death doula is holistic provider who offers non-medical, non-judgmental support to those who are dying as well as their loved ones,” says queer death doula and death-work activist Tracey Walker, who serves on the board of directors of National End of Life Doula Alliance (NEDA). While death doulas can benefit all people during this sensitive time, they are particularly helpful for members of marginalized communities—just as is the case with birthing doulas. And dying members of the LGBTQ+ community, in particular, stand to benefit in specific ways.

The support a death doula provides—whether logistical, emotional, physical, spiritual, or a combination—varies based on the specific death doula as well as the client’s needs and wants. “Some death doulas primarily do paperwork around advance directions, while others primarily function as liaisons between the doctors, the patient, and their family,” Walker says. Death doula work may also entail doing household chores, sitting vigil, sorting possessions, writing letters to living loved ones, planning the funeral, and offering the comfort of having witnessed death previously.

While the person dying and their loved ones often can see out the services a death doula provides without this extra support, these tasks can skew emotionally (and maybe sometimes physically) taxing, so outsourcing can be helpful for those who have access to such services. To contextualize this point, Walker says “most people also could cut their own—or a family member’s hair—yet choose to delegate the task out.” In that spirit, people may choose to delegate certain tasks to a death doula in order to free up space and energy to be present for the person passing in their last days, weeks, months together, Walker adds.

How death doulas can help queer patients combat queerphobia and queermisia in health-care spaces

Death doulas are not nurses or doctors, but they can take on the emotional labor and mental energy associated with educating health-care providers about their patients’ positionality, says sex educator and death doula Sarah Sloane, host of the Social Intercourse podcast. And that’s important, considering the ongoing legacy of members of the queer community being disrespected and discriminated against (aka, been victim to queermisia) in health-care spaces.

For LGBTQ+ elders in particular, who lived through the AIDS epidemic, which was rife with queermisia (before it was called AIDS, the virus was dubbed GRID, or Gay-Related Immune Deficiency), the desire to avoid medical care in order to also avoid discrimination and stigma is likely even higher.

In times of need, queer patients need advocates, which is where death doulas can come in for end of life care.

Furthermore, despite estimations that more than 5 percent of the United States population is LGBTQ+ (which is nearly triple as many the estimation of red-headed people, by the way), research has found that only 39 percent of doctors feel they possess adequate knowledge to treat queer patients’ specific health needs. In short: The health-care space has largely been and largely continues to be one that perpetuates transphobia, biphobia, and homophobia. And in times of need, queer patients need advocates, which is where queer-informed death doulas can come in for end-of-life care.

In addition to advocating for the quality of health care that members of the LGBTQ+ community are entitled to, queer-informed death doulas can also ensure that providers are respecting and affirming queer patients’ pronouns, as well as treating their partners as partners—and not siblings, or worse, strangers, for example, she adds.

Death doulas can help model end-of-life transitions that *don’t* prioritize the nuclear family

In many cultures, death is regarded as a family-centric transition, with the dying surrounded by their children and relatives. “But [that idea] assumes that someone’s biological family is a safe and supportive structure in their life,” says Sloane. With data from 2013 showing that 39 percent of LGBTQ+ people have been rejected by or disowned by their biological family members at some point in their life, that’s simply not the case for many queer individuals. (Indeed, society has made strides in accepting the LGTBQ+ community over the last eight years, but that percentage is still not zero.)

Beyond that, in light of a combination of biological factors as well as laws and financial burdens that stand between queer people and parenthood, LGBTQ+ folks are less likely to have kids, and LGBTQ+ elders are also more likely to be single than heterosexual people, Walker says. These factors combined make LGBTQ+ folks less likely to have biological or legal family members supporting them throughout end-of-life care, opening up more need for a queer-informed death doula to be their advocate.

That’s not to say, however, that queer people do not have loved ones or family—many have chosen families made up of people of all ages, for whom they share queer platonic, romantic, or sexual love. “A queer-inclusive and queer-informed death doula will be able to treat these non-traditional family members as family members,” says Sloane.

For example, someone who is ethically non-monogamous may have two or three partners of equal importance, but only one of whom they’re married to, Sloane says. While traditional medical settings would only value and share information with the (legal) spouse, the death doula can value all partners equally.

Why death doulas for the queer community need to be queer or queer-informed

Not just anyone can be an effective death doula for members of the queer community. That’s because all people have unconscious biases that shape our worldview and the care we give. “For queer people, having a queer death doula can be comforting,” Sloane says, because it provides assurance that the death doula won’t bring in internalized or externalized bias against queer people. Furthermore, a queer death doula may be more conscious about asking a person’s pronouns and saving someone from the task of code-switching, or alternating patterns, gestures, and expressions.

As an outsider to queer spaces, “a non-queer death doula will need to ask questions that a queer person would just know the answers to, due to their lived experiences as a queer person,” Sloane adds. Take, for instance, that in some communities, it’s common for a person to be bathed following death, before burial. “A queer doula may be more likely to know that and thus ask questions like, ‘Do you want your body to be washed?’ or ‘What are your boundaries and preferences while being washed?’” Sloane says. These questions are important because, she adds, “a gender non-conforming person may not want their unclothed body to be seen by any family member or friend, other than the lover.”

It bears mentioning that not all effective doulas for queer people need to be queer themselves. Queer-informed doulas—or, doulas who have undergone sensitivity training and who understand the unique discriminations, needs, wants, and wishes of members of the LGBTQ+ community—can be valuable, too. “Queer-informed and queer death doulas typically say as much in their social media marketing and webpage, and talk about specializing in LGBTQ+ elders,” says Sloane.

To help you find a queer-informed or LGBTQ+ death doula, check out the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association provider directory or ring your local LGBTQ+ center. Ultimately queer-informed death doulas can be a profound addition to the end-of-life care team of a LGBTQ+ person to help ensure that they and their loved ones can be present with the time that remains.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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My Dead Husband Is Haunting My Sex Life

I’m frustrated as hell.

By Jessica Stoya

I’m a woman whose husband died a few years ago. It was very traumatic, as he died at a relatively young age, and we had been extremely close and very much in love. I still have a strong sex drive but had no interest in dating for the first couple of years. It’s only been recently that I’ve been thinking about dipping my little toe back into dating.< Like all widows, I have dreams about my late hubby. I’m also a person who sometimes has pretty vivid sexual dreams. Unfortunately, I’ve been getting a highly uncomfortable blend of these dreams. Basically, any time since hubby died, if I start having a hot sex dream about another man—bing! hubby appears in the dream, and I can’t go through with it because, well, he’s right there, damn it. He’s pretty much cockblocking (or pussyblocking) me every time. Last night, I was having a super hot dream, and there he was, right on schedule. I remember telling someone in the dream he was my ex-husband, not my husband, so I think on some level I’m trying to detach from him. But I definitely never get to the point in the dreams of saying, “Look, I love you and all, but you’re dead. Can you step out, dude? I got this thang going on.”

I haven’t scattered hubby’s ashes yet. The plan was to do it last year, but then COVID. The place he wanted to be involves at least a long weekend, a couple of daylong drives, and an ocean trip. I’ve got the money and the time now and am hoping my state opens up enough that I can make it happen within the next few months. I’m thinking that might bring some final closure of some kind. Any advice on how to deal with it in the meantime, though? I wake up from these dreams frustrated as hell.
—Horny and Haunted

Dear Horny and Haunted,

I hope your instinct that scattering his ashes will help provide closure proves correct, and that you’re able to do so soon. You might also imagine scattering his ashes and saying goodbye now. Think about the place you’ll release them—what it looks like, what it will smell like, whether there will be wind. Spend some serious time fleshing out the image in your mind. Rehearse what you’ll say, if that’s part of the ritual, and listen to and acknowledge your feelings as they come up. Another thought journey that might help is imagining what you wish you’d said to him in the dreams. You seem like you have a clear idea of what you wanted to express. Maybe writing it out or imagining him in front of you as you speak could help.

As for the dreams themselves, are you able to remind yourself of where you are in your timeline and able to choose who you’re thinking about? If so, when you wake up frustrated, masturbation with conscious control of your thoughts might help resolve your arousal. If your thoughts keep drifting to your husband when you’re awake, take a deep breath and return them to where you want them. The trick to this is repetition—you’ll likely need to refocus multiple times, and calmly doing so rather than getting frustrated is the goal. Meditation outside of masturbation time can help train this skill.

Regardless, grief is one of the most difficult things we live through. It’s a process, and it may always be with you in some way. Be kind to yourself, and when you feel like you need a distraction, go for it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Falling in Love While Navigating Grief

Caitlin Fitzmaurice and Richard Thompson met a few months after Ms. Fitzmaurice’s mother died. Their relationship soon became a reminder that joy can be found amid sorrow.

By Emma Grillo

During their first date, at a gallery in Manhattan in November 2019, Caitlin Wynne Fitzmaurice and Richard Lathen Thompson broached the topic of grief. They had matched on the dating app Hinge a week earlier and at the gallery, Ms. Fitzmaurice mentioned that she was from California. When Mr. Thompson asked if she went back often, she answered honestly — her mother had died from cancer eight weeks earlier, and she had spent the three years before her death going back and forth between New York and California in order to spend time with her.

Ms. Fitzmaurice wasn’t sure how Mr. Thompson would react, and was surprised when he told her that he had lost his father to cancer. He shared how hard it was for him when his father died, and how sorry he was for her loss.

“He didn’t nod away from it,” Ms. Fitzmaurice, 35, said. “Right away I appreciated that he didn’t change the subject.”

Mr. Thompson, 37, suggested that they continue their date at a restaurant nearby, and over tapas they learned how much they had in common. They both studied French in college and taught English abroad after graduation.

“Pretty early on I was like, Oh, wow, this guy is definitely someone I want to see again,” Ms. Fitzmaurice said.

The next night they both left work early to meet up for drinks in Greenwich Village, and kept in touch when Ms. Fitzmaurice went back to California for a week to spend Thanksgiving with her family. When she returned, Mr. Thompson helped her carry a Christmas tree up to her apartment. A month later, he helped her carry it down to the curb, much to the chagrin of her superintendent, who was not impressed with the amount of dead pine needles they tracked through the lobby.

“The pine needles exploded over everything,” Mr. Thompson said. He helped Ms. Fitzmaurice clean up the elevator and lobby, which only confirmed her suspicion that he was “a good guy.”

In January 2020, Ms. Fitzmaurice was planning to return to California to attend a memorial ceremony for her mother. Even though they had only been dating for about two months, she asked Mr. Thompson to come to the service with her.

“Having gone through this process of grieving with my own father, I just knew that it was really helpful to have the support of someone close to you through this process,” Mr. Thompson said. “Whether or not we were gonna be life partners or just friends, I knew I wanted to be there for her for this difficult moment. It was a huge step, and I’m really glad I did.”

The service was a bonding experience for the couple, and their budding relationship was a welcome source of hope for Ms. Fitzmaurice’s friends and family.

“Nothing would have made my mom happier than for me to have a partner at the service,” Ms. Fitzmaurice said. “To have him at the service was a really hopeful thought for our family and friends, to see that life continues on, and there can be a lot of joy along with sorrow.”

After the ceremony, the couple returned to New York and planned a ski vacation in Salt Lake City in early March 2020, but just as they arrived, ski resorts began to shut down because of the coronavirus. Mr. Thompson suggested they spend a few weeks with his family in Kansas City before returning to New York. Weeks turned into months, and the couple relished the time they got to spend living with Mr. Thompson’s family in his childhood home.

Ms. Fitzmaurice, who is the senior director of culture for ViacomCBS in New York, moved back to New York in August, where she is currently pursing an M.B.A. at Columbia. Mr. Thompson, who is a senior associate for the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, returned in September, and moved into Ms. Fitzmaurice’s apartment a few weeks later. In November 2020 he proposed to Ms. Fitzmaurice in front of a socially distanced group of friends and a live jazz band in Central Park.

“She makes me feel really fulfilled through her vulnerability and affection,” Mr. Thompson said about Ms. Fitzmaurice, who plans to take Mr. Thompson’s last name. “She’s got a lot of grace and optimism that I really cherish.”

The couple were married on May 27 at Hamel Family Wines, a winery in Sonoma, Calif., before 12 family members. Dr. Erin Rhae Biller, a minister with the Universal Life Church, a naturopathic doctor and a friend of the family who cared for Ms. Fitzmaurice’s mother when she died, officiated.

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