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Ghost Marriage

— The Chinese Tradition Of Getting Dead People Married

Getting Married to the Dead

The History of Ghost Marriage

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Ghost marriage is an ancient and mysterious Chinese tradition that has been practiced for centuries. Even in the modern day, it is still a custom of many Chinese families, but what exactly is ghost marriage and why do people practice it? This blog post will explore the history, reasons, types, contemporary practices, and cultural implications of ghost marriage to gain insight into how this tradition has evolved over time and its impact on modern Chinese culture today. From exchanging money or goods as part of the ceremony to how it shapes traditional values, this article will uncover the mysteries of this unique practice.

History and Origin of Ghost Marriage

Ghost marriage is an ancient and mysterious Chinese tradition that has been practiced for centuries. It is believed to have originated in ancient China thousands of years ago, with the practice then spreading throughout Europe and Asia. This practice was traditionally seen as a way to ensure that the deceased had a partner in the afterlife. In fact, Confucius himself was known to have mentioned this practice in his writings.

The traditional Chinese belief was that a ghost marriage could help restore balance between two families who had lost a child. The idea was that by joining two families together through marriage, both families would be able to benefit from the union even if one of their members had died. This idea has been around since ancient times and still holds true today in some parts of China.

Another reason why ghost marriages are popular is due to superstition and fear of bad luck or misfortune. Many people believe that if they do not perform a ghost marriage ceremony for their deceased family member, it may bring bad luck upon them or their family. Therefore, performing this ceremony can be seen as a way of protecting yourself from bad luck or evil spirits.

A ghost wedding feast in Singapore. Source: Topley, 1955

Finally, there are also religious reasons for why people may choose to perform ghost marriages. In some cases, it can be seen as an act of piety towards one’s ancestors or gods and goddesses associated with death and rebirth rituals such as those found in Taoism and Buddhism.

Ghost marriages are still practiced today in many parts of China, although they are not as common as they once were due to changing cultural attitudes towards death and mourning practices over time. Despite this shift in attitudes, this mysterious tradition still lives on because it offers comfort to those who mourn for their loved ones and helps them keep their memories alive forever through this special ritualistic ceremony.

Reasons for Ghost Marriage

Since ancient times, Chinese people have practiced ghost marriage as part of their culture and religious customs. The belief that ghosts are in need of companionship is deeply ingrained in Chinese culture, leading to the practice of ghost marriage in order to provide the deceased with a life partner in the afterlife. Performing such a ceremony also allows families to keep ancestral connections alive and maintain their traditions.

In some cases, ghost marriages were also carried out as a way of preventing unmarried daughters from becoming “hungry ghosts” in the afterlife; this was done out of fear that she would be doomed to wander endlessly without rest or peace if she did not have someone to accompany her into death. It was believed that unhappy spirits could bring bad luck and misfortune upon those who had wronged them during life, so marrying off single women was seen as a way of avoiding potential disasters.

Religious reasons for performing ghost marriages exist as well; these acts are sometimes used as offerings for gods or goddesses associated with death and rebirth rituals. In addition, ceremonies can be performed out of piety towards ancestors or deities related to ancestor worship or traditional funeral practices.

Ghost marriage has been an important tradition among Chinese people for centuries, but its prevalence has declined today due to evolving cultural views about death and mourning practices. Despite this shift however, the reasons behind it remain unchanged—to provide comfort for ghosts so they may pass peacefully into the afterlife, avert misfortune caused by hungry spirits on earth, preserve familial ties and honor religious beliefs related to ancestor worship or funeral rites.

Types of Ghost Marriages

Ghost marriage is an ancient custom practiced in China, where two families exchange money and goods as a sign of respect for the deceased. Usually, this occurs either before or after the actual nuptials take place. The bride’s family pays a dowry to the groom’s family or receives payment from them in return for her labor or services. Additionally, the groom’s family may provide a dowry to the bride’s family if they are unable to pay for her services.

The goods exchanged during these ceremonies vary, depending on region and religion. Rice, tea, sugar cane, incense sticks and candles are common gifts given by the bride’s family in some areas while clothing or jewelry may be offered in others. Others incorporate religious customs by exchanging items thought to bring good luck and protection from evil spirits.

Families arrange ghost marriages for various reasons, including protecting unmarried daughters from becoming “hungry ghosts” – spirits believed to haunt young women who die without being married or bearing children – as well as providing companionship for those who passed away. It is also often done to restore balance between two families through marriage following a tragedy like losing a child.

Over time, cultural attitudes towards death have changed leading to fewer ghost marriages taking place today; however its purpose remains largely undiminished within Chinese society – honoring ancestral deities and offering comfort during times of grief and loss.

Contemporary Practices

Ghost marriage continues to be practiced in China today, although the practices have changed from their ancient roots. Modern ghost marriages often involve an exchange of money or goods, as well as a ceremony, and are still popular in rural areas as a way to keep families connected. In contrast to historical traditions, modern ghost marriages are more likely to be between two deceased people rather than one living person and a deceased person.

Some people also practice ghost marriage out of respect for their ancestors or bridge the gap between two families. This can include uniting two families who have lost someone close, such as siblings marrying each other’s spouses after death. There are now laws in place that regulate who can be married in a ghost marriage, such as the requirement that both parties must have been dead for at least three years before the ceremony takes place.

Despite these regulations, there is still some controversy surrounding modern ghost marriage due to its association with illegal activities such as human trafficking and forced labor. In addition, some argue that it violates traditional Chinese values by disrupting familial hierarchy and disregarding filial piety towards ancestors.

Nevertheless, contemporary practices of ghost marriage exist alongside more traditional methods of honoring those who have passed away or connecting two families through ancestral lines. It is an ever-evolving tradition that continues to shape Chinese culture today despite changing attitudes towards death and mourning practices over time.

Cultural Implications

Ghost marriage has been an important part of Chinese culture for centuries and continues to shape modern Chinese society in subtle ways. In traditional Chinese culture, the practice was seen as a way to ensure the deceased had an afterlife and proper burial, as well as a way to negotiate or reaffirm power dynamics within family networks.

In recent years, there has been a shift in attitudes towards ghost marriage in China, with some viewing it as a violation of traditional values while others embrace it as a unique cultural tradition. This divide is largely due to the changing legal status of ghost marriage in China; while it is not illegal, there are laws regulating who can be married in this capacity.

The potential implications of ghost marriage on future generations are also worth considering. It is likely that intergenerational transmission of values associated with the practice will depend on how families view it today – whether they view it positively or negatively could determine whether these traditions are passed down through the generations.

Ultimately, although ghost marriage is no longer widely practiced today and its role in modern Chinese culture is somewhat unclear, this ancient tradition continues to shape our understanding of life and death and influence our views on family relationships and societal norms. As such, studying the history and current practices associated with ghost marriage can provide us with valuable insight into how modern-day Chinese society works.

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Thanatophobia (Fear Of Death)

— Symptoms And Treatment

By Emily Laurence

It’s natural to worry about death—whether it’s your own or a loved one’s. But for those with thanatophobia, feelings of worry and anxiety over dying are so intense, it impacts their ability to function day-to-day.

Though death is unavoidable, it’s possible to overcome thanatophobia. This requires knowing the symptoms, understanding the reasons why it can develop, being properly diagnosed and working with a mental health professional. When left untreated, fear of death can prevent one from living the full life they deserve to live.

What Is Thanatophobia?

Thanatophobia is the fear of death or the dying process. “We all fear things, and many people are afraid of death,” says Jenna DiLossi, Psy.D., a specialist in phobias and the co-founder of the Center For Hope and Health located in Pennsylvania. “But a phobia has a certain level of intensity and pervasiveness of fear.”

Rachel Menzies, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, the director of the Menzies Anxiety Centre in Australia and a leading expert on thanatophobia. She has written several books on the topic, including Free Yourself From Death Anxiety. Thanatophobia can involve fear of death itself or the dying process, she explains. “It could be related to the fear of not existing one day or it could be the fear of death being really painful,” she says. Thanatophobia can also mean having a phobia of others’ dying, she adds.

The difference between having a “normal” fear of death and a true phobia is the level it impacts one’s daily life, says Dr. DiLossi. For example, someone with thanatophobia may avoid certain activities, such as driving, because they worry it will kill them.

Thanatophobia is not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5); instead it’s considered a “specific phobia.” The criteria for being diagnosed with a specific phobia is as follows:

  • Fear about a specific object or situation (in this case, death or dying)
  • The situation almost always causes immediate fear or anxiety
  • The fear is disproportionate to the actual danger
  • The situation is actively avoided or endured with intense anxiety
  • The fear impacts one’s daily life, such as their social life or job
  • The fear has been present for at least six months
  • It cannot be explained by symptoms of another mental health disorder

Dr. Menzies emphasizes that feeling queasy or anxious about death is natural. It’s when the anxiety surrounding death starts impacting one’s daily life that it’s considered a phobia. For example, someone with thanatophobia may be unable to focus at work or the phobia gets in the way of them pursuing meaningful activities, such as traveling, she says.

Thanatophobia Causes and Risk Factors

Both experts say that anyone can be thanatophobic; both old and young people, people who have strong religious beliefs and people who don’t, people who are physically healthy and people who are sick. However, there are some risk factors that can make someone more likely to experience this specific fear. Both experts say that individuals with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) are more likely to be thanatophobic. Dr. Menzies explains that for some people with OCD, the reason why they engage in compulsive habits (such as hand washing) is because they believe it will prevent something bad from happening, such as an untimely death.

Women are more likely than men to have thanatophobia since women tend to have more general anxiety than men, says. Dr. Menzies. Research also shows that people in middle age are more likely to have a fear of death than elderly adults. Dr. Menzies hypothesizes that older people may be less anxious about death because they come to accept it more, in part by seeing others die. However, she notes that witnessing someone experiencing a painful or traumatic death can also make thanatophobia more likely.

In terms of the link between religious beliefs and thanatophobia, anecdotally, Dr. Menzies has noticed in her clinical practice that people who are unsure of their beliefs tend to be more fearful of death than those who believe strongly in what will happen after death.

“Both very committed religious believers and committed atheists are less likely [to be thanatophobic] than people in the middle who are uncertain about the afterlife,” she says. Scientific studies show there is not a connection between one’s specific religious beliefs (such as Christian or Muslim) and the likelihood of having a fear of death.

Thanatophobia Diagnosis

As previously mentioned, thanatophobia is not its own specific condition included in the DSM-5. The closest diagnosable condition is “specific phobia,” says Dr. DiLossi. When diagnosing someone with thanatophobia, clinicians refer to the list of criteria for specific phobia, she explains.

Both experts emphasize that the main sign that someone is thanatophobic is that their fear of death (either their own or someone else’s) is impacting their daily life. This can include getting in the way of work (such as being unable to focus), being preoccupied during social events (such as being unable to enjoy spending time with friends or family due to being preoccupied by thoughts of death) or avoiding meaningful activities because of the fear that it will lead to death (even though the risk for this happening is low).

Thanatophobia Treatment

With professional help, thanatophobia is treatable. According to both experts, as with other phobias, the most common treatment for thanatophobia is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a psychological treatment that examines what one thinks and what one does. First, a therapist will explore where the client’s fear of death stems from. They will also ask about the ways this fear is limiting their life. Then, they will work through actionable steps so that it no longer holds them back.

For some individuals, longer term and more intensive psychodynamic and existential therapies are needed if the symptoms of their thanatophobia return after CBT.

With other phobias (such as spiders, driving or heights), both experts explain that CBT uses exposure therapy to incrementally help someone become more comfortable with the object or circumstance surrounding their fear. For example, someone with a fear of driving may look at a car, then work up to sitting in a car and then eventually driving it. Working through a fear of death has similarities and differences; for example, Dr. Menzies says that she may have a thanatophobic client start by reading the obituaries. Then, she may ask them to plan their funeral or will. “Really anything that moves toward acceptance of death and away from denial or avoidance [will help],” she says.

Unlike with other phobias, Dr. Menzies says that being around death itself is not part of overcoming thanatophobia. Treatment also does not involve doing risky activities that would jeopardize one’s safety, says Dr. DiLossi.

Living With Thanatophobia

Death is inevitable. This raises an interesting question: How does the death of a loved one impact someone with thanatophobia? “For some people, this experience will actually help them cultivate an acceptance of death, particularly people who are desperately trying to prevent their own death,” says Dr. Menzies. But for others, the death of a loved one can exacerbate their fear, making it worse. “It greatly depends on the circumstances surrounding the death,” she says. “Was the person in pain? Was it peaceful?”

If the death of a loved one has made someone’s fear of death more pronounced, it’s especially important to reach out to a mental health provider who can provide actionable tips based in CBT that can help them cope, says Dr. Menzies.

Both experts say that overcoming thanatophobia does not mean that someone will not be fearful of death at all; what it means is that their fear will not impact their daily life.

When to See a Doctor

If a fear of death is impacting your daily life, it’s important to see a mental health provider who specializes in phobias or CBT, experts note. One way to find a CBT therapist near you is by using the directory created by the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. You can also see your primary health care provider, who can connect you to a mental health provider.

“There’s a misconception that since death is unavoidable, people with this phobia need to just ‘get over it.’ That is untrue. There is specific treatment for thanatophobia,” Dr. Menzies says, referring to CBT. “There is very good evidence that people can overcome thanatophobia. This is not something someone has to live with.”

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Jewish Funeral Customs

— 20 Things You Should Know

Jewish funeral customs have been shaped by centuries of religious tradition and cultural practices. These customs are designed to show respect for the deceased and provide comfort to the grieving family.

If you have been invited to a Jewish funeral or wish to offer support to a Jewish friend in mourning, it is essential to familiarize yourself with these customs.

In this blog post, we will cover 20 things you should know about Jewish funeral customs.

Sympathy Flowers

While Christian funerals generally include many flowers to send for sympathy, this is generally not done at Jewish funerals, it is appropriate to send a donation to a designated charity or plant a tree in Israel in memory of the deceased.

However, if you know that the family appreciates sympathy flowers, sending a simple and modest arrangement is acceptable.

Immediate Burial

In the Jewish tradition, the deceased should ideally be buried as soon as possible, usually within 24 hours of death. This is done to honor the body and show respect for the soul.

No Embalming Or Cremation

Jewish law prohibits embalming and cremation, as they are seen as disrespectful to the body. The body is considered sacred and should be returned to the earth in a natural state.

Tahara

The deceased’s body is prepared for burial through a ritual cleansing called tahara. This process is performed by a group of trained individuals called the chevra kadisha. The body is washed, purified and dressed in simple white shrouds called tachrichim.

Simple Wooden Casket

A traditional Jewish burial involves a plain wooden casket with no metal parts. The simplicity of the casket reflects the belief in the equality of all people in death.

Shemira

Shemira is the practice of watching over the deceased from the time of death until burial. A family member or designated individual, known as a shomer, stays with the body to recite prayers and psalms.

Funeral Service

The Jewish funeral service called a levaya, is usually brief and simple. It includes prayers, the recitation of psalms, and eulogies. The service takes place at a synagogue, funeral home or graveside.

Procession To The Cemetery

After the funeral service, there is a procession to the cemetery. Mourners follow the hearse on foot for a short distance to show their respect and honor the deceased.

Kriah

During the funeral, mourners perform the kriah, a ritual tearing of one’s clothing. This symbolizes the tearing of the heart and the depth of griefhttps://southfloridareporter.com/jewish-funeral-customs-20-things-you-should-know/ experienced by the mourners.

Burial

At the cemetery, the casket is lowered into the ground, and mourners participate in the mitzvah of burial by shoveling earth onto the casket. This act is a final gesture of love and respect for the deceased.

Shiva

Shiva is the initial seven-day mourning period observed by the immediate family. Mourners stay at home, refrain from work and social activities, and receive visitors who come to offer comfort and support.

Offering Condolences

When offering condolences to a Jewish mourner, it is customary to say “HaMakom yenachem etchem b’toch she’ar avelei Tzion v’Yerushalayim” which means “May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

Meal Of Consolation

Following the burial, the family returns home to share a meal of consolation, called the seudat havra’ah. This meal typically includes round foods, such as eggs or lentils, which symbolize the cycle of life and the hope for continuity.

Uncovering The Mirrors

Covering mirrors during the shiva period is a Jewish tradition to symbolize the mourning process. At the end of shiva, it is customary to uncover the mirrors to signify the return to normal life.

This act is a reminder that while the deceased may be gone, life must continue. It also serves as a reminder that life is cyclical, and after periods of sadness, there will be times of joy and happiness.

Sheloshim

Sheloshim is a thirty-day mourning period observed by close family members after the death of a loved one. During this time, mourners refrain from attending social events and other festivities.

This period allows the mourners to focus on the grieving process and honor the memory of the deceased. Sheloshim provides an opportunity for mourners to reflect on the life of the deceased and to begin to find a way forward without them.

Yahrzeit

Yahrzeit is the anniversary of the death of a loved one, observed by lighting a yahrzeit candle and reciting the Kaddish prayer. The candle is lit for twenty-four hours and symbolizes the light that the deceased brought into the world during their lifetime.

Yahrzeit is an important time for family and friends to come together to remember and honor the life of the deceased. It is an opportunity to reflect on the memories shared and the impact they had on others.

Kaddish

The kaddish is a prayer recited by mourners during the funeral service and for the first year after the death. It is also recited on the yahrzeit and other occasions to honor the deceased. Kaddish is a powerful prayer that speaks to the hope and faith of the Jewish people. It is a reminder that life is cyclical and that after periods of sorrow, there will be times of joy and happiness. Kaddish provides comfort and solace to the mourners and helps them find peace during a difficult time.

Unveiling Ceremony

The unveiling ceremony, which takes place approximately one year after the death, involves the unveiling of the headstone at the cemetery. Family and friends gather to remember and honor the deceased.

Honoring The Deceased

Jewish funeral customs place a strong emphasis on honoring the deceased and showing respect for their life. This includes speaking about the deceased in positive terms and refraining from discussing any negative aspects of their life.

Comforting The Mourners

Above all, Jewish funeral customs are designed to provide comfort and support to the mourners. Whether it’s through the practice of shemira, the sharing of memories, or the offering of condolences, the focus is on helping the bereaved find peace and solace during a difficult time.

Jewish funeral customs have been shaped by centuries of tradition and reflect the importance of honoring the deceased and comforting the bereaved. Understanding these customs is essential when attending a Jewish funeral or offering support to a Jewish friend in mourning.

While sympathy flowers are not generally sent to Jewish funerals, other meaningful gestures, such as a donation to charity or a tree planting, can show your love and support. By familiarizing yourself with these customs and offering compassion and kindness, you can help ease the pain of those who have lost a loved one.

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Why young people with life-limiting illnesses need special end-of-life care

Sydney’s Adolescent and Young Adult Hospice is the first of its kind in Australia, and opened its doors in February this year.

By Shalailah Medhora

Young people with serious illnesses will soon be able to have consistent end-of-life care under the new Paediatric Palliative Care Action Plan, launched by the federal government today.

It is the first road map for end-of-life care specifically targeted at infants, children, adolescents and young adults.

Currently, palliative care services are aimed at people in their 70s, 80s and older, which means that young people aren’t getting the services they need.

Assistant Health Minister Ged Kearney told Hack that the plan aims to bridge that gap.

“There always seems to have been a gap with the need for a specialist palliative care program for young people, because I think their needs are quite different.”

The plan was commissioned under the previous federal government and has been four years in the making.

“We brought together governments, key stakeholder organisations, health services, health workers, families … to build this action plan,” Ms Kearney said.

“It’s going to be out there as of today to make sure … we have national consistency, and that young people, children and infants get the best possible care they can.”

The need for youth-specific care

Earlier this year, the Adolescent and Young Adult Hospice (AYAH) opened its doors in the northern beaches of Sydney. It was the first of its kind in Australia, a facility aimed solely at providing care for young people aged 15 to 24.

“It’s a time when they’re going through emotional changes, social changes, physical changes, etc,” services manager Tayia Yeats said.

“They need to have that different area, which is purpose built for them, where they can interact with others that are going through similar challenges.”

The facility is funded through New South Wales Health, charity the North Foundation, and through donations from the community.

It has purpose-built spaces for activities young people enjoy, like a music room, games room and space to watch movies.

“It feels more like a hangout,” university student Patrick Nolan said.

Patrick is 21 and lives with muscular dystrophy. He has visited AYAH for respite care and says the most important aspect of the facility is the ability to interact with other young people.

“We’d stay up late, just messing around like any young person can do. And for me that that’s a bit of a challenge outside of this place,” Patrick explained.

Three young people who use wheelchairs pose for the camera, alongside three carers
Patrick Nolan (holding guitar) says respite care is like a “holiday from life”, and gives him the opportunity to behave like a carefree young person.

“What they want to be doing at 21 years of age is very different than what you want to be doing at 81 years of age,” nurse practitioner Sara Fleming said.

She’s been working in paediatric palliative care for over 20 years, and said the needs of a young person approaching the end of their lives can be very different to what health care professionals — and even the young person’s family — recommend.

Sara said she had a young patient once who had a life expectancy of just a few months.

“There was great distress in the family and distress experienced by the parents, because this young person, they wanted to go to a party.”

“So my job as a nurse looking after this was to go, ‘Alright, let’s get you to the party. But let’s put some things in place that are invisible to people at the party that just help everyone,'” Sara said.

Assistant Health Minister Ged Kearney said a key aspect of the paediatric palliative care plan is ensuring that the views of young people are respected.

“It’s so important to involve young people in the decision making around the end of their life. It’s their life.”

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A longer life often means a worse death

— Most people are not experiencing a “good” death.

Pieter Claesz, Still Life with a Skull and a Writing Quill, 1628.

By Ross Pomeroy

  • A new study out of Sweden finds that people who live longer often spend more time undergoing end-of-life care, suggesting that their deaths are more drawn out than people who die younger.
  • Medical care at an advanced age often extends life without significantly improving one’s quality of life.
  • The study draws further attention to the gap between lifespan and healthspan. In many developed societies, people are living longer but also spending a higher proportion of their lives living in poor health.

Humans are living longer than ever before. Since 1950, global average life expectancy has risen from 47 to 73. This remarkable gain has been won through reducing poverty and eradicating disease, among other humanitarian advances. But in countries whose citizens are now living to advanced ages in the 80s and beyond, a complicated question must now be asked: Are we actually extending life or merely prolonging death?

Extending life or prolonging death?

A team of researchers from the Karolinska Institute in Sweden confronted this query head-on with a study recently published in the American Journal of Public Health. Demographer Marcus Ebeling and his colleagues utilized large public databases to track the course of all deaths of individuals aged 70 and over in Sweden between 2018 and 2020, focusing on patients’ final 12 months. Chiefly, they wanted to know how most elderly individuals die.

Are their deaths short and sudden or long and drawn out? Do they die at home, physically able and mentally sharp until the end? Or do they die in a facility, impaired and care-dependent in their final years, essentially wasting away? Tragically, it increasingly seems to be the latter.

“Two-thirds of all deaths followed a trajectory with extensive elder care utilization throughout the last year of life, and at least half additionally showed extensive medical care utilization,” they found. “Most deaths today do not comply with what is often referred to as a ‘good’ death.”

What constitutes a good death? “Retaining control, being pain-free, having the choice of the place of death, and not having life prolonged pointlessly are principles that have been mentioned, among others,” the researchers wrote.

Ebeling and his colleagues also found that prolonged end-of-life care was increasingly common over the age of 83, Sweden’s life expectancy, suggesting that individuals graced with a longer life are more likely to have a drawn out death, potentially filled with medical procedures and physiological burdens.

Lifespan vs. healthspan

The finding calls further attention to the frequently discussed gap between “lifespan” and “healthspan.” Lifespan is how long someone lives; healthspan is how long someone lives in good health, free from chronic disease and disability. Ideally, they should be nearly equal. In actuality, as human lifespan has rapidly grown over the past half-century, healthspan has not kept up. Analyses suggest a present gap of 10 to 15 years between them in the U.S. That’s more than a decade on average of people living in poor health, often at the twilight of their lives. In keeping with Ebeling’s study, this suggests that most people are in declining health prior to death.

And unfortunately, what a lot of end-of-life care tends to do is boost lifespan, with little benefit to healthspan. Drugs and procedures that treat underlying medical conditions in the elderly are often hamstrung in how much “health” they can truly restore. Ultimately, the best way to boost healthspan and hopefully remain independent until the very end is to prevent debilitating conditions from ever cropping up in the first place. That means eating right, refraining from smoking, drinking alcohol in moderation, maintaining social connections, challenging your mind, and above all, remaining physically active. And it means maintaining these habits even into old age.

The major takeaway is that to give yourself the best chance at a good death, do the things that will help you live a fit life.

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Almost everyone fears death

— But not in the same ways


Angel of Death, Evelyn De Morgan, circa 1881

“It is healthy and normal to be afraid of death.”

By Ross Pomeroy

  • Fear of death may be the most primal human fear, one we all experience differently.
  • People who are older, in committed relationships, physically healthy, and either very religious or not religious at all tend to be less afraid of death.
  • When the fear of death becomes extreme and life-disrupting, by far the most effective remedy is cognitive behavioral therapy.

Humans may be the only species fully aware of the inevitability of death. William James, considered by many to be the “father of American psychology,” famously called this fateful knowledge the “worm at the core” of human existence. This metaphorical worm today forms the basis of terror management theory, which proposes that awareness of our mortality, coupled with our self-preservation instinct, produces a primal terror that we constantly struggle to manage. To do so, we often form beliefs and take actions that provide meaning and value that we hope persist beyond our own demise, granting us a semblance of immortality. Other times, we simply cope through escapism or denial.

But just as we all deal differently with the omnipresent foreboding of mortality, so too do we fear death in distinct ways. As Cara Santa Maria, a popular science communicator pursuing a PhD in clinical psychology with a focus on end-of-life care, noted on the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe podcast:

“Some people are afraid of oblivion. Some people are afraid of dying — the pain, the disability. Some people are afraid of leaving people behind. They’re afraid of leaving things unfinished. They’re afraid of not having a legacy. There are so many different ways that we can be afraid of death.”

A graveyard in in Belgium.
Religious iconography in cemeteries and graveyards may help reaffirm people’s belief in an afterlife and, in doing so, ease the ever-present fear of death.

Surveys suggest that common fears surrounding death are tied to the prospect of leaving loved ones behind and the dying process itself.

However, certain life choices may ameliorate the fear of death. Being married or in a committed relationship is a significant comfort. Being in good physical health helps, too. This may be because it creates more meaning in life and is broadly linked to better mental health or simply that it grants the perception that the Grim Reaper is farther away. Those on opposite ends of the religiosity spectrum also tend to be less afraid of death. Atheists tend to be more relaxed and “in-the-moment,” while strong believers take comfort in knowing there’s an afterlife and that their life has meaning.

Perhaps most comforting, we tend to grow less afraid of death as we get older. As Jade Wu, a clinical health psychologist at Duke University, writes: “This could be because older people have experienced more of life, so they have less fear of missing out. Or it might be because they have more experience with witnessing and handling the death of others.”

A painting of a group of people and the Grim Reaper.
Gustav Klimt captures the juxtaposition of death and life in his Art Nouveau oil painting.

For some, however, the fear of death can be hard to handle, developing into what’s termed thanatophobia.

“It is healthy and normal to be afraid of death, but when we venture into these pathological fears where it becomes all-consuming and it starts to interfere with our activities of daily living, there are things that we can do therapeutically,” Santa Maria said.

By far the most effective remedy is cognitive behavioral therapy. A certified therapist will help a death-fearing client to challenge their anxiety-inducing assumptions about dying and then expose the client to death in ways that will alleviate their fears. Such exposure may include watching movies with scenes that depict the end of life, reading hospice materials, or developing a plan for their own passing.

According to clinical therapist Brittney Chesworth, clients “steadily see death as a normal part of life and not the ‘scary monster in the closet.’”

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What to do if a loved one dies suddenly

— A practical guide

One of the first things to do if someone dies unexpectedly is arrange for a death certificate.

By Karen Garcia, Jon Healey

When someone close to you dies unexpectedly, you’ll feel an avalanche of emotion. And on top of it all, you’ll have the responsibility of planning a funeral, notifying others of the death and resolving any lingering duties or financial commitments.

So where do you start?

Here’s a checklist of the basic steps to follow in the event of a sudden death of your spouse, parents or others for whom you are the main survivor.

It’s worth remembering, though, that you don’t have to take this on alone. This process can be overwhelming and difficult, so if family members and friends offer help, take it. And if you need help processing the loss from someone who’s outside of your inner circle, here’s how to find mental health professionals you can trust.

What to do in the first few days

Arrange for a death certificate. This is the legal record of the death, filed with county officials and the California Department of Public Health’s electronic registry. You’ll need it for funeral arrangements and life insurance claims, for example.

Under state law, the attending physician is generally the one required to fill out the necessary medical information and sign the certificate, and the funeral director is the one who submits it to the registry. But they may need your help to fill out the sections of the certificate with personal information about the deceased, including age, usual occupation, highest level of education attained, and mother and father’s names.

If the death occurred at a hospital or other medical facility, you can count on the doctors there to handle this paperwork. But if it occurred at home, AARP says, call 911, and the police and paramedics will conduct an investigation and make a declaration of death. The medical team will help you decide whether an autopsy is needed by the L.A. County Medical Examiner-Coroner or if you should go ahead and call a funeral home.

If the deceased wanted to be an organ donor, you may have trouble fulfilling that wish. Vital organs that are cut off from a supply of oxygenated blood for more than 20 to 30 minutes are no longer suitable for transplants, said Thomas Mone of OneLegacy in Azusa, the largest organ procurement organization in the United States. That’s why the only feasible donors are a small percentage of people who die in a hospital while on a ventilator, he said.

Hospitals are required by law to notify the local organ procurement organization when they have a dying patient who may be a potential donor. If your loved one registered as a donor, that choice can’t be overridden. If not, the survivors will need to make the decision on your loved one’s behalf.

Reach out to the deceased’s community. You’ll need to notify the deceased’s family and friends of the person’s death. If there isn’t already a list of people who need to be notified, AARP and the National Institute on Aging suggest that you make a list and call, text or email — whatever you feel most comfortable doing.

How you communicate depends on each person’s circumstances before and after the death, said Joanne Weingarten, Our House Grief Support Center’s senior clinical coordinator of adult programs. For example, if the survivor is a single parent or an adult child, consider the responsibilities they have and how they grieve.

Weingarten says there isn’t a right or wrong way to notify people. She said you might want to call your friends and family, but write a social media post to inform people outside that circle.

If you do make a phone call and it’s someone you think might have a strong reaction, make sure they’re not driving. You might hold off telling them until someone else is around who can support them.

If you don’t have the capacity to make phone calls, ask yourself if there’s someone in your life whom you can trust to make the calls for you.

Ask the people you’re notifying to spread the word to others connected to the deceased, said AARP. If they were a part of the same club, church group or workplace, they can help let others know.

There are also a couple of avenues for notifying people online and in print. You can announce a person’s death on social media. Families also publish obituaries and death notices either online, in a newspaper or both. An obituary includes all the tributes that families and their funeral homes write about their loved ones, said Stephen Segal, senior content director at Legacy.com, which publishes obituaries online and partners with local newspapers to make submitting an obituary easier.

“On the other hand, most people today use the term ‘death notice’ to mean a very short, just-the-facts announcement of the person’s death and funeral details,” Segal said.

An online obituary is fast and simple to share.

“It provides a permanent online sympathy space where people can share their own memories, condolences and messages,” he said.

Publishing an obituary in the local newspaper is the best way to reach all the neighbors, colleagues, old classmates and other hometown folks, Segal said.

What do you do when someone dies?

Because we find death so hard to talk about, there are probably lots of things people wonder but don’t know. We have answers.

An obituary can be brief or long, depending on what the family prefers. There are six essential things obituaries include, according to Legacy.com.

  1. Announcement of death. What was their full name? What town did they live in? How old were they? Where and when did they die? And, if you’re comfortable sharing, what was the cause of death?
  2. Life story. What are meaningful things about the person being remembered. Where did they grow up? Where did they go to school/work/church? What groups did they belong to? What did they care about? What will their loved ones miss most?
  3. List of family members. What close family members survive them, and which died previously? Traditionally, obituaries include spouses or partners, parents, children, siblings, grandparents and grandchildren. It’s OK to include other close loved ones too, even if they were not blood relatives.
  4. Funeral information. Will there be public or private memorial services? Include the dates, times and locations of any planned events, and include the name of the funeral home so anyone can contact them with questions.
  5. Sympathy preferences. Where should cards and flowers be sent, and are there any charitable donations the family would like to suggest?
  6. A photo. A closeup of your loved one’s face usually works best. It can be a recent photo or one from their youth — or, if possible, include both.

However you do this step, Weingarten said, remember that there isn’t a timeline and that you don’t owe anyone anything.
“In those moments, it’s really about taking care of yourself or your inner circle, especially if they’re elderly or young children who need extra support and attention,” she said.

“And then of course, trying to take care of yourself because in those early days, it’s about survival for many people.”

Make funeral arrangements. The first step is figuring out whether the deceased had made plans for a funeral. If so, you’ll need to find those plans — the family’s attorney may be able to help on that front. An untimely death could leave you with zero planning, so talk with family members about how to honor that person.

What to do within the first few weeks

Get copies of the death certificate. You’ll need them to file insurance claims, cancel credit cards and close financial accounts. If the deceased person’s remains are in L.A. County, contact the county Department of Public Health’s Vital Records office for a copy of the death certificate.

The permit application requires the deceased’s full name, date of birth, date of death, city of death, and county or state of birth if the death occurred outside of California. The certificate costs $24, and paperwork for the certificate can be processed by mail or in person.

Locate a will (if there is one). If you know that the deceased had a will but you don’t know where it is, AARP suggests looking for it in a desk, a safe-deposit box or wherever the person kept important papers.

For the record:

12:33 p.m. May 19, 2023An earlier version of this article misstated the maximum value of small estates for probate purposes as $166,250. For deaths on or after April 1, 2022, the maximum small-estate value is $184,500.

A will is a set of instructions that will guide what happens to the deceased’s estate — that is, that person’s assets and debts. It will typically include the name of an executor, who will have the power to take actions and make decisions on the estate’s behalf. If there is no executor, or if the executor is unable or unwilling to carry out the responsibilities, the duties will be handled either by an administrator named by a probate judge or, in the case of small estates worth no more than $184,500, a close relative acting as an informal representative.

Unless the deceased person had a small estate, a probate court will have to oversee the distribution of at least some of the assets, with or without a will. You can find a number of do-it-yourself guides to probate online, or you can hire an attorney who specializes in probate.

Identify beneficiaries. If your loved one had named a beneficiary or beneficiaries for insurance policies, retirement funds and bank accounts, those assets can be paid out or transferred directly without waiting for probate. The same is true for any accounts that the person had designated as “payable upon death,” as well as any accounts jointly held or property owned as joint tenants.

One other, less common asset that doesn’t have to go through probate is a living trust. Anything in the trust will be transferred automatically to the trust’s beneficiaries.

Stop Social Security payments. Although surviving spouses and, in some instances, children can receive survivors benefits, any benefits paid to the deceased person in the month of death and thereafter must be returned, the Social Security Administration advises. That’s why it’s vital to make sure the death is reported to the SSA.

“In most cases, the funeral home will report the person’s death to us,” the SSA says on its website. “You should give the funeral home the deceased person’s Social Security number if you want them to make the report.”

But don’t stop there. The SSA and the National Institute on Aging recommend that you get in touch with the Social Security Administration to make sure the death has been reported and apply for survivors benefits, if you are entitled to them. To do so, you’ll need to call (800) 772-1213 (TTY: 1-800-325-0778) on a weekday; according to the SSA, you cannot report a death or apply for survivors benefits online.

Contact financial institutions and insurers. Notifying credit reporting agencies of the person’s death will help prevent identity theft. Call the major ones — Equifax, Experian and TransUnion — and ask how to submit a copy of the death certificate.

If the person had life insurance, reach out to the insurer to report the death and have the beneficiaries paid. You’ll need a copy of the death certificate for this process as well.

You’ll want to cancel the credit cards that were solely in the deceased person’s name, but don’t pay any amounts due at this time; according to Bankrate.com, the estate will be responsible for the unpaid balance, if there is one. For joint accounts, the balance becomes the responsibility of any surviving account holder.

Call the customer service number on the back of each of the person’s credit cards and ask for “deceased account services” or the “estate unit,” Bankrate advises. You may need to submit a copy of the death certificate, but many card issuers do not require one.

Checking and savings accounts are a bit more complicated. If they are joint accounts, the surviving person on the account retains control after the death. If they were individual accounts with a named beneficiary (as in a “payable upon death” designation), then the funds will flow straight to the beneficiary once the bank is formally notified of the death, a step that may require a copy of the death certificate. If they were individual accounts without a named beneficiary, notifying the bank about the death will freeze the funds, but the executor or administrator of the estate (or representative, if it’s a small estate) will have to get involved to distribute the money.

Make a list of accounts to cancel or remove. We live in a time of subscriptions for streaming entertainment, digital news, boxed meals and curated clothing. Those all need to be canceled. The mundane monthly utility bills need to be canceled as well.

Unless the deceased left a list of accounts along with the corresponding account name and password, you’re going to have to do some digging and make several phone calls. If you have access to the deceased person’s credit and debit card account statements, you can look for monthly charges there. Failing that, multiple websites offer lists of subscription services and other common sources of monthly bills — for example, see this one from an online urn seller.

In case you’re hoping for a shortcut to this process, canceling a credit card won’t stop the monthly charges on that account from being assessed and potentially running up bills for the estate. You’ll need to address the sources of those charges separately.

Cancel the driver’s license. AARP urges you not to forget to cancel the deceased driver’s license to prevent identity theft. Go to the DMV website to see its list of required documents for the cancellation process.

Notify the Postal Service. You can stop mail from being sent to the deceased’s registered address. The U.S. Postal Service advises you go into your local post office to learn how to file a proper request to either stop or redirect mail, as well as remove the deceased from advertising lists.

Cancel the person’s voter registration. The application to request the cancellation of a deceased voter’s registration is on the Los Angeles County clerk’s website. Or you can call (800) 815-2666 and choose option 2.

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