Tag: Death And Dying

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Helping Your Child Deal With Death

[W]hen a loved one dies, children feel and show their grief in different ways. How kids cope with the loss depends on things like their age, how close they felt to the person who died, and the support they receive.

Here are some things parents can do to help a child who has lost a loved one:

When talking about death, use simple, clear words. To break the news that someone has died, approach your child in a caring way. Use words that are simple and direct. For example, “I have some sad news to tell you. Grandma died today.” Pause to give your child a moment to take in your words.

Listen and comfort. Every child reacts differently to learning that a loved one has died. Some kids cry. Some ask questions. Others seem not to react at all. That’s OK. Stay with your child to offer hugs or reassurance. Answer your child’s questions or just be together for a few minutes.

Put emotions into words. Encourage kids to say what they’re thinking and feeling in the days, weeks, and months following the loss. Talk about your own feelings: It helps kids be aware of and feel comfortable with theirs. Say things like, “I know you’re feeling very sad. I’m sad, too. We both loved Grandma so much, and she loved us, too.”

Tell your child what to expect. If the death of a loved one means changes in your child’s life, head off any worries or fears by explaining what will happen. For example, “Aunt Sara will pick you up from school like Grandma used to.” Or, “I need to stay with Grandpa for a few days. That means you and Dad will be home taking care of each other. But I’ll talk to you every day, and I’ll be back on Sunday.”

Talk about funerals and rituals. Allow children to join in rituals like viewings, funerals, or memorial services. Tell your child ahead of time what will happen. For example, “Lots of people who loved Grandma will be there. We will sing, pray, and talk about Grandma’s life. People might cry and hug. People will say things like, ‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ or, ‘My condolences.’ Those are polite and kind things to say to the family at a funeral. We can say, ‘Thank you,’ or, ‘Thanks for coming.’ You can stay near me and hold my hand if you want.”

You might need to explain burial or cremation. For example, “After the funeral, there is a burial at a cemetery. The person’s body is in a casket (or coffin) that gets buried in the ground with a special ceremony. This can feel like a sad goodbye, and people might cry.” Share your family’s beliefs about what happens to a person’s soul or spirit after death.

Explain what happens after the service as a way to show that people will feel better. For example, “We all will go eat food together. People will laugh, talk, and hug some more. Focusing on the happy memories about Grandma and on the good feeling of being together helps people start to feel better.”

Give your child a role. Having a small, active role can help kids master an unfamiliar and emotional situation such as a funeral or memorial service. For example, you might invite your child to read a poem, pick a song to be played, gather some photos to display, or make something. Let kids decide if they want to take part, and how.

Help your child remember the person. In the days and weeks ahead, encourage your child to draw pictures or write down favorite stories of their loved one. Don’t avoid mentioning the person who died. Recalling and sharing happy memories helps heal grief and activate positive feelings.

Respond to emotions with comfort and reassurance. Notice if your child seems sad, worried, or upset in other ways. Ask about feelings and listen. Let your child know that it takes time to feel better after a loved one dies. Some kids may temporarily have trouble concentrating or sleeping, or have fears or worries. Support groups and counseling can help kids who need more support.

Help your child feel better. Provide the comfort your child needs, but don’t dwell on sad feelings. After a few minutes of talking and listening, shift to an activity or topic that helps your child feel a little better. Play, make art, cook, or go somewhere together.

Give your child time to heal from the loss. Grief is a process that happens over time. Be sure to have ongoing conversations to see how your child is feeling and doing. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting about the loved one. It means remembering the person with love, and letting loving memories stir good feelings that support us as we go on to enjoy life.

Complete Article HERE!

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Men face unique challenges in resolving grief

[W]hile our culture continually challenges men to engage more in “traditionally female” activities at home, our cultural expectations of their behavior are not often in sync with these notions, especially when it comes to expressing feelings and emotions.

Our society expects men to avoid expressing feelings, to endure stress without giving up and to be able to bear pain. We do not expect to see men openly cry, to express loneliness, sadness or depression or to demonstrate other emotions.

When it comes to dealing with the death of a loved one, men often suppress their grief in light of cultural expectations that they remain strong and in control. But suppressing sadness over a loss can have a long-lasting, even permanent, negative impact on a man’s emotional health. Left buried, unresolved grief can cause prolonged turmoil, bitterness, family problems and ill health.

Hospice of Michigan understands men’s unique needs and offers grief support to help them express and find healthy ways to deal with their feelings.

It starts with an understanding of grieving style. According to Dr. Kenneth J. Doka, senior consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America, grieving is not based on gender, but on style. Doka believes there are three types of grievers. Intuitive grievers talk about, and show, their emotions. Instrumental grievers think through their grief and are “do-ers.” Blended grievers are a combination of both grieving styles.

Additionally, some people are more private about showing their emotions. Hospice of Michigan’s grief support groups address the fact that not all men are comfortable talking to other men about their grief.

Gender stereotypes also influence how grief counselors help men process their grief according to personality labels society assigns:

  • A man who grew up believing “boys don’t cry” learns that grief does not lessen him as a man
  • A “competitive” man who always strives for the best understands that while he can’t “beat” death, he can redirect his fight in beneficial ways
  • A “protective” man who feels responsible for his family and friends focuses on the blessing of what he was able to do for his loved one
  • A “provider” who immersed himself in work to ensure his family’s security receives coping skills to navigate the natural difficulties in returning to the workplace
  • A “problem solver” who fixes everything around the house resolves the guilt he feels for not preventing death
  • A “controller” who likes to be in charge of everything realizes grief is unpredictable and, while he can’t control his emotional response, he can channel his behavioral response in positive ways
  • A “self-sufficient” man who was raised to be independent learns that letting his down his guard and sharing feelings with others is actually a sign of courage

Grief counselors help men process grief by working through their shock, pain and anxiety; emotional, social and physical difficulties and feelings of guilt. Men are encouraged to find new goals and directions in restructuring their lives.

“There isn’t a cookie-cutter approach to effectively deal with grief,” Karen Monts, practice manager, counseling services for Hospice of Michigan, said. “We all experience life from our own unique perspective. If our natural responses to circumstances conflict with society’s expectations of how we ‘should’ behave, dealing with the grief over losing a loved one can be especially difficult. For men who feel obliged to remain stoic because that’s what’s expected of them, their unresolved grief can lead to even bigger problems down the road. It’s important for everyone to freely express pain and sadness.”

Complete Article HERE!

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More funeral homes offer green burials

Gloria and Reggie Weiss of Spring Township page through information about pre-arranging a green burial.

By Jeff McGaw

[R]eggie and Gloria Weiss love fat, vine-ripened tomatoes; healthy, homegrown asparagus; and good, wormy soil.

They prefer dirt-covered garden gloves to jewelry, mulch their food scraps, conserve water and are partial to a good natural fertilizer – especially, Gloria said, the kind goats make.With reverence for the environment, and appreciation for these simple things in life, the Weisses have made a decision to keep things simple in death.

The Spring Township couple have pre-arranged a green or natural burial.They are among a growing number of Americans who, out of what the National Funeral Directors Association calls “a deepening eco-consciousness,” have abandoned the modern American way of death in which the departed, nattily-clad and chemically preserved, are placed in expensive hardwood or shimmering steel coffins; lowered into one-ton reinforced concrete burial vaults; and, after the clods fall, are memorialized with massive granite or marble headstones.

More adults interested

Natural, or green, burials honor the rituals that are important to people, but without glitzy, synthetic trappings associated with modern funerals.

They are a way of caring for the dead with minimal environmental impact, according to the Green Burial Council based in Ojai, Calif.A 2015 study by the Funeral and Memorial Information Council showed 64 percent of adults 40 and older said they would be interested in green funeral options, compared with 43 percent in 2010.The funeral and burial industry is starting to take notice.Last summer, Gethsemane, a Catholic cemetery in Muhlenberg Township, became the first cemetery in Berks to offer a dedicated green burial section. That means no metal. No embalming fluid. No burial vault. No ashes.About an hour northeast of Reading, Green Meadow at Fountain Hill, in Salisbury Township, became Lehigh County’s first green cemetery when, in 2011, it dedicated a half acre of its 13 total acres to green burials.An hour west or Reading, Paxtang Cemetery in Paxtang Borough near Harrisburg reserved 12 of its 34 acres for green burials, and even had it zoned conservation to prevent future development.An hour southeast of Reading, West Laurel Hill Cemetery in Lower Merion Township was a regional pioneer in the green movement when it set aside an acre for green burials in 2008.

Earth-friendly caskets

Kuhn Funeral Home in West Reading, and Milkins Giles in Muhlenberg Township, stock caskets made of woven bamboo along with their traditional casket of steel and wood. Most funeral homes can easily attain and offer eco-friendly caskets to families, and families can purchase them directly from manufacturers.

Don Byrne, a native of Annville, Lebanon County, lives in Chatham, N.C., where he owns and operates Piedmont Pine Coffins. Using only non-power hand tools, Byrne makes each coffin with tongue-and-groove planks and dove-tail corners. Though his coffins are not used exclusively for green burials, he said the green movement has contributed to his workload.”They find that the simplicity of a pine matches something in the life or personality of their loved one,” Byrne said.His coffins, each requiring about 25 hours of labor, sell for about $1,800. Piedmont Pine Coffins is one of about 400 Green Burial Council-certified product makers, 399 more than existed in 2005.

Embalming

Modern-day funeral and burial practices, which have their origins in the American Civil War, veered well away from the biblical notion of ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

Battlefield surgeons and others began embalming dead soldiers during the Civil War as a way to preserve the bodies during transport from battlegrounds to their homes hundreds of miles away. The practice was also useful in combating a gruesome phenomenon known as exploding casket syndrome, caused by a buildup of gases inside the coffin during decomposition. Some 40,000 Civil War soldiers were embalmed of the estimated nearly 650,000 who were killed.The funeral of Abraham Lincoln helped popularize the practice of embalming and set the tone for elaborate farewells, historians say.On April 19, 1865, four days after his death, Abraham Lincoln’s body began a 1,654-mile odyssey that took him from the White House and the Capitol in Washington to his final resting place in Springfield, Ill. The trip included stops in several towns and cities, including Harrisburg, Philadelphia, New York, Buffalo, Cleveland, Indianapolis and Chicago. At each major stop, the coffin was moved to a central viewing place and then opened so that mourners could pay their final respects.

Down with the dead

In addition to embalming chemicals, a lot of wood, steel and concrete goes down with the dead.

“For all its verdant landscaping, the typical cemetery functions less like a bucolic resting ground for the dead than a landfill for the materials that infuse and encase them,” wrote Bethlehem-based environmental journalist Mark Harris, author of a book called “Grave Matters” and a leading advocate of green burial practices.A one-acre section of cemetery, with about 1,250 people buried, will contain 3,750 gallons of formaldehyde-based preservative, 187,500 board feet of wood for coffins and 2.5 million pounds of concrete. If steel coffins are used, and they are used often, that would roughly equal 162,500 pounds of steel, more if heavier gauge steel is selected.There are 2,728 cemeteries in Pennsylvania. The Charles Evans Cemetery, one of the most historic cemeteries in Berks County, measures about 120 acres, and more than 70,000 people are interred there. Gethsemane Cemetery in Muhlenberg has about 70 acres, and 32,000 are buried there.Arlington National Cemetery, arguably the nation’s most revered cemetery, is 625 acres.The funeral industry is estimated to be worth $20 billion with about 2.4 million funerals held each year, according to Sara J. Marsden, editor-in-chief for U.S. Funerals Online.The National Funeral Directors Association published the median cost of an adult funeral, with viewing and a burial at $8,508 nationally. According to www.funeral.com, the cost of a traditional funeral, which includes basic fees, transfer of body, embalming or refrigeration, body preparation, viewing and visitation, graveside service and the casket or coffin, ranges from $7,000 to $10,000.”There’s a desire in many areas of our lives to lessen our impact on the globe,” said Jessica Koth of the National Funeral Directors Association.

‘A natural evolution’

“There are electric cars, organic and locally grown food and recycling,” she said. “Green burials are sort of the natural evolution of our lives becoming green.”

In a green burial, the body is shrouded in natural fiber. Caskets, if they are used at all, are made of everything from simple pine to woven bamboo or wicker, sea grass, wool or cardboard. The dead are typically lowered by hand into a grave, where the forces of nature are allowed to exert themselves without obstruction from chemicals, unnatural fibers or man-made barriers of concrete, plastic or steel.The Green Burial Council certifies funeral homes, cemeteries and funeral products as green based on various eco-friendly practices. To be certified, for example, funeral homes must offer three types of biodegradable caskets made from material that is easily harvested and quickly regrown. Cemeteries must disallow burial of embalmed bodies, concrete and metal in their green areas. Coffin makers, among others, must get raw material harvested in responsible ways, to name just a few of the requirements.The Weisses said they aren’t out to make a statement or to prove a point, but given their green lifestyle, a green burial seems appropriate.Working with Kuhn Funeral Home on their plans, they chose simple, wooden caskets similar to those used in Jewish burials.”I don’t need all that contrivance,” Gloria said. “I don’t need all that fancy stuff. But some people do, and that’s fine.”

Back to the future

Green or natural burials are nothing new.

“This isn’t a trend,” said Jim Olsen, a spokesman for the National Funeral Directors Association. “This is what (society) has always done.”Timothy Kolasa, executive director of Gethsemane Cemetery, agrees: “It’s just really getting back to basics.””Some people are looking for a more simplified option,” he said. “Cremation has been that option for many years.”Kolasa added that the cemetery had been considering the move since 2012. No plots have yet been filled, but some have been pre-arranged.Paxtang Cemetery near Harrisburg opened in August, 2014, according to owner Alesia Skinner. An ardent supporter of the environment and green burials, Skinner opened The Woods Edge.Sylvia Crum, Skinner’s mom, loved the idea.”She was a country girl at heart,” Skinner said of her mom. “She came from a farm, and it was one of her happiest places. She was a very whole-earthy kind of a person. She loved nature.”Crum died of pancreatic cancer in August 2014 and became the first person to be buried at The Woods Edge.Tragically, Patrick B. Ytsma, 53, of Bethlehem, an avid bicyclist and architect, was struck by a car and killed while biking. He became the first person interred at Green Meadow in Salisbury Township. Friends, many of whom rode their bikes to his funeral on Dec. 10, 2011, said he would have wanted it that way.

Gravesite charges

Green burials can cost between $1,000 to $4,000, depending on the cemetery, according to CostHelper Inc., a Silicon Valley, Calif.-based provider of consumer information.

The Ramsey Creek Preserve in South Carolina, considered by some as the epicenter of green burials in the U.S., charges $2,500 to $3,500 for a gravesite.Natural burial plots at Gethsemane are larger, measuring 5 feet by 10 feet, than normal plots, and slightly more expensive, Kolasa said. “A cemetery’s only asset is land,” he said.Plots at Gethsemane range usually between $500 and $2,500, depending on location. The Weisses chose their little section of eternity near a hilltop and away from the car path.Casket costs can vary. A company called Final Footprint sells green caskets made with materials such as banana leaf, rattan, sea grass, wood and organic fibers for less than $1,000. They are made in the U.S., Poland and Indonesia, and are certified as fair trade. For $4.95, Piedmont Pine Coffins will sell you plans so you can build your own coffin with material that will cost you less than $200.

Movement inches along

Despite its passionate disciples, the movement is inching along in Berks County.

Green burials “will certainly gain in popularity down the road,” said Kyle Blankenbiller, funeral director and manager of Auman Funeral Homes, with two locations in the Reading area.”There’s not a real need right now,” said Joseph D. Giles of Milkins Giles Funeral Home in Muhlenberg Township. “I have no idea what it will look like in the future,” he said.But Olsen, a longtime funeral director from Sheboygan, Wis., who speaks nationally on behalf of the National Funeral Directors Association, said there might be a very good reason for funeral directors to get on board.Soaring cremation rates are burning up profits as families who cremate tend to buy fewer services from funeral homes.”I’ve lowered my cremation rate by offering this,” Olsen said. “I’ve found that by sitting down and listening to the families I serve I’ve actually captured a new portion of business.”Harris believes the pendulum is swinging back toward natural burial faster than some might admit.”This boomer generation is leaning green,” he said. “It’s the greening of society. They launched the first Earth Day, and now the leading edge of the boomer generation is slouching into retirement. They will bring those same green values to bear on end-of-life decisions.”Millennials, he added, are “definitely going green.”And while environmentalists aren’t exactly beating down his doors, Michael Kuhn, who worked with the Weisses, said, “It’s very appealing to some people.”Searching for the right words to describe the trend, Kuhn unwittingly stumbled into what might be the best description of all: “It’s kind of a grass roots movement.”

Complete Article HERE!

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Doctor Considers The Pitfalls Of Extending Life And Prolonging Death

By Fresh Air

[H]umans have had to face death and mortality since since the beginning of time, but our experience of the dying process has changed dramatically in recent history.

Haider Warraich, a fellow in cardiology at Duke University Medical Center, tells Fresh Air‘s Terry Gross that death used to be sudden, unexpected and relatively swift — the result of a violent cause, or perhaps an infection. But, he says, modern medicines and medical technologies have lead to a “dramatic extension” of life — and a more prolonged dying processes.

“We’ve now … introduced a phase of our life, which can be considered as ‘dying,’ in which patients have terminal diseases in which they are in and out of the hospital, they are dependent in nursing homes,” Warraich says. “That is something that is a very, very recent development in our history as a species.”

Prolonging life might sound like a good thing, but Warraich notes that medical technologies often force patients, their loved ones and their doctors to make difficult, painful decisions. In his new book, Modern Death, he writes about a patient with end-stage dementia who screamed “kill me” as a feeding tube was inserted into his nose.

“This is probably one of the encounters that I had in residency that I have been unable to shake from my memory,” Warraich says. “I think if you ask any physician, any nurse, any paramedic, they’ll have many such stories to tell you.”

Interview Highlights

On the importance of having a healthcare proxy, living will and advanced directive

One of the biggest problems that we face in not only modern society, but in societies of olden times as well, is that people have always been very afraid to talk about death. In many cultures it is considered bad luck to talk about death and it is thought to be a bad omen. I think to some extent that extends to this very day. But … I think having a living will, having an advanced directive, or perhaps most importantly, having a designated healthcare proxy, someone who can help transmit your decisions to the team when you’re not able to do so, is perhaps the most important thing that we can do for ourselves as patients and as human beings.

On giving CPR and knowing when to stop giving CPR

One of the things about CPR, Terry, is that almost everyone in medicine knows how to start CPR, when to start CPR, really what to do in CPR under even complex situations, but the one thing that almost no one really teaches us, and there are no guidelines for, is when to stop CPR. I think in some ways that is one of the biggest challenges that we in medicine face all the time. …

I was actually working in the hospital last night and it was about 3 in the morning and I was called by one of my other colleagues who was another cardiology fellow, he asked me, “Haider, I need your help. I have a patient that we are doing CPR on,” and he wanted some help from me. So I walked over to the intensive care unit, and the patient was in her 60s. … There was an entire team in the room doing chest compressions on this woman, and they had been doing it for an hour and a half at that point, much, much, much longer than most CPRs last. …

At the same time while this CPR was ongoing, the patient’s family member, her daughter, was outside the room, and she was crying. … Even though we could give her all the information … that wasn’t perhaps what she was looking for, because what we were asking her to think about or to do was one of the hardest things anyone has to ever bear, which was, “Do you want us to stop CPR?” And that’s the type of thing that I don’t think any of us can ever prepare for, especially when it’s our parent that’s involved.

On why he wrote a book about dying

I really wanted to find answers to some very, very basic questions, like what are the implications of the sort of life extension that we have achieved? What is the role of religion, not only a patient’s religion but a physician’s religion when it comes to dealing with the end of life? How is social media affecting how people experience the end of life? …

So many times I’ve found myself in the room where there are people who were so much more experienced in life than I was, yet knew so little about death and dying. And so I wanted to write a book so that people could go into those really, really difficult places and feel like they’re armed with information, that this isn’t a completely foreign territory for them and that in some way could help them navigate and deal with the sort of difficult situations that lay ahead for them.

Dr. Haider Warraich has written medical and opinion pieces for The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and The Atlantic.

On the possible repeal of the Affordable Care Act

It is very unfortunate that health is so politicized in this country, because it doesn’t have to be. Health and wellness aren’t red or blue, and they shouldn’t be, but unfortunately that is where we are. I hope that when policies are being enacted in DC, patient’s voices, those who have benefited from the ACA, those who have gained insurance, those voices are not lost in the midst of all of this political activity.

On immigrating to the U.S. from Pakistan

I came to the United States in 2010 and [until now] have only lived in an America in which Barack Obama was the president. I think in some ways Trump’s victory has really shaken me, because of how invested I was in the idea that America is a special place, it’s a truly multicultural society. And I’m still trying to understand, I think like so many others, just exactly what happened. Especially as a writer and as a physician I’ve tried to separate myself from my identity as a Muslim. I’d rather be known as a physician/scientist/writer who happens to be Pakistani, rather than a young Pakistani Muslim immigrant who happens to be a doctor and a writer, but I don’t know. Given how things are changing, I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to set that narrative for myself. That’s a scary thought — to live an identity that is so politicized even when you wish for it to not be.

Complete Article HERE!

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This Study Reveals The 5 Biggest Regrets People Have Before They Die

With just a few weeks to live, these are the biggest regrets most people have

By

[D]o you have any regrets?

Most people do.

But it appears our regrets gain a lot of weight as we approach the end of our lives.

For many years, Bronnie Ware – an Australian nurse and counselor – worked in palliative care; taking care of terminally ill people, most of whom had less than 12 weeks to live.

Her patients were typically old people with very serious illnesses, waiting to die.

And a lot of her work involved providing counseling and relief from the physical and mental stresses that come naturally when a human being comes face to face with their mortality.

Death is not a comfortable subject for most people. We prefer to not think or talk about it.

But the sad truth is, all of us will die someday.

Knowing you are going to die in a few weeks is a very bitter pill to swallow. And Bronnie noticed as her patients experienced a range of emotions that usually started with denial, and then fear, anger, remorse, more denial, and eventually, acceptance.

As part of therapy, Bronnie would ask about any regrets they had about their lives, and anything they would do differently if life gave them a second chance.

Of all the responses she got from her patients, she noticed there were 5 regrets that stood out. These were the most common regrets her patients wished they hadn’t made as they coursed through life.

But the regrets of the dying can be sound and invaluable advice for the living.

And that’s why it’s a really good thing you’re reading this article.

One of the key revelations from Bronnie’s study is that we often take our lives for granted because we are healthy.

Health affords us boundless freedom very few realise, until we no longer have it.

But while her dying patients were helpless in the face of their regrets, you and I still have time to do something about our regrets, before it’s too late.

Let’s now look at each of the 5 most common regrets Bronnie observed:

1)    I wish I pursued my dreams and aspirations, and not the life others expected of me

According to Bronnie, this was by far the most common regret of all.

When people realise their life is coming to an end, it becomes easier to look back and see all those dreams they had but didn’t have the courage to pursue.

In many cases, their failure to pursue those dreams were often due to fitting into the expectations of others – usually family, friends and society.

One of her dying patients, Grace, made Bronnie promise that she would pursue all her dreams and live her life to its fullest potential without ever considering what others would say.

According to Bronnie, Grace was in a long but unhappy marriage. And after her husband was put in a nursing home, she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. And Grace’s biggest regret was that she never was able to pursue all the dreams she put on hold.

I think the biggest lesson from this regret is, if you know what really makes you happy, do it!

It appears that our unfulfilled dreams and aspirations have a way of silently stalking us, and eventually haunt our memories in our dying days.

And if you’re afraid of what people will say about your choices, remember that their voices will not matter to you in your dying days.

2)   I wish I didn’t work so hard

This one makes me feel guilty.

According to Bronnie, this regret came from every male patient she nursed. And a few female patients too.

As breadwinners, their lives were taken over by work, making a living, and pursuing a career. While this role was important, these patients regretted that they allowed work to take over their lives causing them to spend less time with their loved ones.

Their regrets were usually about missing out on the lives of their children and the companionship of their spouse.

When asked what they would do differently if given a second chance, the response was quite surprising.

Most of them believed that by simplifying our lifestyle and making better choices, we may not need all that money we’re chasing. That way, we can create more space in our lives for happiness and spend more time with the people who mean the most to us.

3)   I wish I had the courage to express my feelings and speak my mind

This one just made me so much bolder. 🙂

According to Bronnie, many of her dying patients believed they suppressed their true feelings and didn’t speak their mind when they should have, because they wanted to keep peace with others.

Most of them chose not to confront difficult situations and people, even when it offended them. By suppressing their anger, they built up a lot of bitterness and resentment which ultimately affected their health.

Worse still, harbouring bitterness can cripple you emotionally and stand in the way of fulfilling your true potential.

To avoid this type of regret later in life, it’s important to understand that honesty and confrontation are a necessary part of healthy relationships.

There is a common misconception that confrontation is bad for relationships and can only create division.

Not all the time.

In reality, when confrontation is kind, honest and constructive, it helps to deepen mutual respect and understanding and can take the relationship to a healthier level.

By speaking our minds, we express our true feelings and reduce the risks of building up unhealthy stores of bitterness that ultimately hurt us.

4)   I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

This one is a regret many of us struggle with.

Bronnie found that her patients missed their old friends and regretted they didn’t give those friendships the investment of time and effort they deserved.

Everyone misses their friends when they’re dying.

It appears that when health and youth have faded, and death is looming, people realise that some friendships hold more value than all their wealth and achievements.

According to Bronnie, it all comes down to love and relationships in the end. Nothing else mattered to her patients in the last few weeks of their lives but love and relationships.

We live in a busy world these days. And the pressures and demands of work, city life and trying to raise a family can take its toll on some golden relationships.

Knowing this now, what would you do differently?

5)   I wish I had let myself be happier

This is a very humbling one, really.

Many of her patients didn’t realise until the end of their lives that happiness is a choice.

They wished they had known that happiness isn’t something to be chased and acquired through wealth, social acceptance and the trappings of life.

In their deathbeds, these patients realized they could have chosen to be happy, regardless of their circumstances in life – rich or poor.

To me, this regret is the most touching.

Throughout our active lives, we often focus too much on acquiring the things we would like to have – wealth, status, power and achievement. We often (wrongly) believe that these things hold the keys to our happiness.

When asked what they could have done differently, here’s the key message those dying folks shared: Learn to relax and appreciate the good things in your life. That’s the only way to find real happiness.

Happiness is a choice.

Is it possible to live a life without regrets?

This is the big question I’ve been asking myself.

As no human being is perfect, and I doubt there’s anything like a “perfect life”, I expect all of us would have some regret(s) in our dying days.

But I think the key is to have as few regrets as possible.

And the best way to die with very few regrets is to live life as if we would die today.

After all, almost nobody knows exactly when they’ll die.

By living our lives as if the end is nigh, we would realise that we really don’t have all the time in the world. As a result, we would procrastinate less, and pursue our truest desires, dreams and aspirations.

Also, to live a life of few regrets, we have to focus on and accommodate ONLY those things and people that make us happy. Because if we try to conform to the expectations of others and hide our true feelings, the regrets could haunt us later in life.

If you’re reading this article and you’re alive and healthy, you still have a choice.

Remember, you only live once!

Don’t forget to share this article with people you care about. You may just save someone a ton of regrets.

I wish you an amazing life.

Complete Article HERE!

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‘Kamp out’ aids kids in dealing with death

Iowa City Hospice has worked hard to create a day dedicated to aid children in dealing with death.

By Kayli Reese

Children play with bubbles in the Coralridge Mall Parking Lot on Sunday as part of PLAYvolution. This particular event is a two-week-long Johnson County movement featuring a series of activities which encourage children and adults to get outside and play.

[K]amp Kaleidoscope kids spent a fun day Jan. 28 making friends and crafts despite the ever-pressing discussion hanging through the air — the subject of death.

Kimberly Peterson of Iowa City Hospice said the one-day camp focuses on helping children understand grief and provides support in the wake of a death of a loved one. Kamp Kaleidoscope was put on by the Iowa City Hospice bereavement counselors and volunteers.

This is the second such Kamp Kaleidoscope event, Peterson said. Iowa City Hospice began this event for children in June 2016, she said.

“At Iowa City Hospice, we’re always evaluating our services,” she said. “We wanted to expand support for children and youth.”

Emily Mozena, a Hospice volunteer and a University of Iowa lecturer in the graduate Child Life Program, said Kamp Kaleidoscope in June was very successful, and more children participated in the January event. She said Iowa City Hospice hopes to have Kamp Kaleidoscope events twice a year.

The camp supports children who have lost someone close to them, she said, be it a grandparent, parent, or sibling.

Peterson said kids can come to the camp more than one time, and any of the children can receive any follow-up support needed.

“[The camp is] a really safe space for kids to talk about death,” Mozena said, noting how difficult it can be for children to speak about such heavy topics in schools. “It’s amazing to listen and see what the kids are willing to share.”

After starting the day by decorating bags and participating in silly icebreakers, Mozena said, the kids began delving into the heavier emotions the camp focuses on. The theme of this event was seasons, she said, and the kids spent time thinking of memories with their deceased loved ones that can be associated with each season. Some of these memories, she said, include building snowmen, playing with water balloons, and jumping in leaves.

A music therapist also participated, Mozena said, creating a song based on the kids’ memories. During the closing ceremony for parents, she said, the kids agreed to perform the song.

A nurse from the Hospice also came to the camp, she said, to answer any questions the kids had about the circumstances surrounding their loved one’s death. She said talking compassionately but plainly with the kids helps to minimize questions and creates less confusion.

“Open communication with the kids and using simpler terms is key,” Mozena said. “Using the ‘D-words’ — death and dying — is very important.”

Kelsey Tebbe, a volunteer for Kamp Kaleidoscope and UI graduate student in Child Life, said she found it amazing how the kids opened up to each other and the volunteers in only a day. In the beginning, she said, the kids were shy, but they quickly were able to talk openly and comfort one another.

Tebbe noted that she found the ability of kids, some who were only 6 years old, to understand their feelings surrounding death, using big words to describe their emotions.

During the day’s events, she said she learned important methods and resources to practice later in her field, citing the experience as extremely eye-opening. By taking time to build each child’s trust, Tebbe said, the kids were able to leave Kamp Kaleidoscope with a better outlook and better understanding of coping.

“With a 6-year-old, you don’t always know what they’re going through by looking at them,” she said. “That’s why it’s so important to talk.”

Complete Article HERE!

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6 Things to Do for a Family After the Loss of a Baby

Most of all, be proactively there and present for your friend.

by

Watching a friend or loved one go through the heartache of losing a child can be a horribly painful thing to do. If you yourself have experienced such a thing, then the pain is acutely familiar to you; but if you haven’t, you may not have the first clue about what to do or say. Below are six things to you can do to show that you’re there and that you care.

1. Be proactive.

If a friend or a loved one has just lost a child, you may be inclined to reach out and say to them something like, “Please let me know if there’s anything at all I can do to help,” or perhaps, “Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything from me.” But how often do people in need readily and comfortably reach out? If you’re sincere in your offer to help, be proactive and offer it outright instead of waiting to be asked. Rather than sitting around and expecting the family to come to you in their time of grief, put a life preserver right within their reach, and place your hand directly in theirs.

2. Feed them.

One of the last things a grieving family wants to think about after the loss of a child is meal-planning, cooking, and cleaning up — especially if they have children in the house who don’t understand the level of grief they’re experiencing. If you have the capacity to make a home-cooked meal, to bring takeout, or even to just provide them with a gift card to their favorite restaurant, then do it at the first opportunity you have. They’ll be so grateful for the thought, for the meal and for the provision you gave them.

3. Hope for the best, but assume the worst.

Maybe you yourself have experienced the loss of a baby, or maybe you haven’t — but an important thing to remember is that grief is not linear, and the course it takes through each grieving parent is deeply personal and unpredictable all the same. Time will pass, and you will find yourself as an outlet of support hopeful that the wound is healing — but do not assume that it has just yet. Triggers abound, and the loss of a baby will be with its mother for the rest of her life; so try your utmost to allow her an abundance of safe space to grieve, no matter how much time has passed or the extent to which you figure she should have moved on by now.

4. Commiserate and empathize.

The last thing a person wants to hear after the loss of their child is that it was for the best, that it was meant to be, or that it all happened this way for a reason. Put yourself in a grieving family’s shoes and remember that platitudes and placations have no place. Instead, do everything you can to empathize, to console and to be a haven where sadness, anger and hopelessness can abound freely and without reservation. Be an outlet for that grieving mother to process everything she’s feeling — whether she chooses to lament outwardly, to curse the ground she walks on, or to retreat deep within herself for an extended period of time. Allow her grief take its course.

5. Show grace.

Don’t be offended if she doesn’t readily interact with you, return your calls or much acknowledge you at all. This isn’t personal, nor is it the time to analyze the health or status of your relationship. People grieve in different ways, and it’s important to show all the grace you can while you watch from the outside as a family processes the loss of their child.

6. Send a text.

If you’re up to your eyeballs at home, if you’re living a thousand miles away, or if you just don’t otherwise have it in you to be on the front lines, do what you can to remind your friend that you’re there, that you love her and that you’re thinking of her. Whether or not she replies right away doesn’t matter; she’ll be endlessly grateful to know that she’s on your mind, because the silence from the people she thought would be there for her can be otherwise deafening.

Complete Article HERE!