Category: Popular Culture

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‘What is it about life that’s sacred?’

— Harriet Walter backs change in law on assisted dying

Harriet Walter at the 2023 Bafta Television Awards at the Royal Festival Hall in London on 14 May, 2023.

The actor, who has played characters on both sides of the debate, says the UK needs a conversation about euthanasia and assisted suicide

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About a decade ago, Dame Harriet Walter, the 73-year-old star of stage and screen, decided to make a living will. The will, also known as an advance decision, informs family, carers and doctors of a person’s wish to refuse specific treatments should they become too ill to communicate those choices. (It stops short of requesting help with end of life; euthanasia and assisted suicide remain illegal in the UK.) But, when it came to actually completing the details of her living will, Walter always found something else to do.

“I had the will sitting in my filing cabinet for about three or four years before I got round to it,” says Walter, who made her name in the theatre but has recently had eye-catching roles in the TV shows Succession, Killing Eve and Ted Lasso. “It’s not something you really want to look at, it’s not something you want to think about. But it will be good to know that there’s something in place that you could use when the time comes. Then you close that filing cabinet.”

Walter’s reluctance is common. It came up earlier this month in the Observer in Rachael Stirling’s heartbreaking account of caring for her mother, Diana Rigg, in the final months before her death from cancer in September 2020. “As a nation we never talk about dying, or what it really looks like,” Stirling wrote, “even though it is one thing we’ve all got in the post.”

Stirling’s article has prompted renewed calls to change the law on assisted dying. The debate was picked up by the 83-year-old TV presenter Esther Rantzen, who is undergoing treatment for stage-four lung cancer and has joined the Swiss clinic Dignitas. Rantzen would like to see a free vote in parliament on assisted dying, telling the BBC it is “important that the law catches up with what the country wants”.

Walter, who has not previously spoken on the subject, first started thinking about assisted dying when she made the 2009 BBC film A Short Stay in Switzerland. The drama was based on the true story of Anne Turner (played by Julie Walters), a British doctor who had an incurable brain disease, progressive supranuclear palsy, and in 2006 became the 42nd Briton to end their life with the help of Dignitas. Walter played Clare, a fictional friend of Turner; her character vehemently opposed Turner’s decision because of her religious conviction that life is sacred.

“I found it really difficult to get behind that as an actress,” admits Walter. “And it did make me think: what is it that’s sacred about life? Does it continue to be sacred when it’s absolutely agonising and hopeless? And you’re in the last six months of your life anyway? You are just hurrying on something that’s going to happen anyway.”

Walter with Ralph Fiennes in Ivanov at the Almeida Theatre, London, in 1997.
Walter with Ralph Fiennes in Ivanov at the Almeida Theatre, London, in 1997.

Walter returned to assisted dying in the 2020 Sky Atlantic satirical drama The End. This time, though, her character was on the other side of the fence: a passionate supporter of the right to die. “I hasten to add that it’s easy to act something, it is very different when you come to face it in real life,” says Walter. “But one of the things that came out of these dramas I was involved in is that knowing the possibility is there doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to use it. It’s just a comfort to know that you could. And it’s long overdue to have a proper conversation about this, a national conversation.”

The last time there was a vote in the Commons on assisted dying was in 2015, when MPs overwhelmingly rejected a change in the law by 330 votes to 118. More recent polls, though, seem to suggest a shift in public attitudes: According to an Ipsos Mori poll in July, 65% of people in the UK believe it should become legal for a doctor to assist an adult of sound mind with less than six months to live to voluntarily end their own life, subject to high court confirmation. Advocates point to demographic changes, with a quarter of the UK’s population estimated to be 65 years or over by 2050. “I feel that the legal and political system needs to catch up with the public mood,” says Walter, “because people are increasingly aware of, or have connections with, people who are in this position.”

Eventually Walter, who lives with her husband, the American actor Guy Paul, in west London, couldn’t put off filling in her living will any longer. “There’s a certain point at which I wouldn’t want to be revived,” she says. “And I just said that if I could no longer communicate then I wouldn’t want to go on. Loss of speech yes, but blinking or any form of communication. If I couldn’t make my feelings known, I wouldn’t want to live.”

It wasn’t easy, Walter recalls, but she feels a sense of relief that she faced it down. “We’ve got to think about it, because it could happen to any of us,” she reasons. “And if we saw that there was a law that helped, I think people would mostly feel less frightened in the end rather than more.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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It’s good to remember

— We are all on borrowed time

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Getting older is almost like changing species, from cute middle-aged, white-tailed deer, to yak. We are both grass eaters, but that’s about the only similarity. At the Safeway sushi bar during lunchtime, I look at the teenage girls in their crop tops with their stupid flat tummies and I feel bad about what lies beneath my big, forgiving shirts but — and this is one of the blessings of aging — not for long. Aging has brought a modicum of self-compassion, and acceptance of what my husband and I call “the Sitch”: the bodily and cognitive decline that we all face sooner or later. Still, at Safeway, I can’t help but avert my eyes. Why push my luck?

Twenty years ago, when I turned 50, I showed the dark age spots on my arms and the backs of my hands to my wonderful dermatologist.

“They used to call these liver spots,” I said, laughing.

There was silence. “They still call them liver spots,” he replied.

My mother died of Alzheimer’s disease when I was 50; my father had died of brain cancer 25 years before, so I have always been a bit more tense than the average bear about increasing holes in my memory, and more egregious moments of dither. I thought of my 50s as late middle age.

At 60, I tried to get this same dermatologist to authorize surgery to remove the pile of skin of my upper eyelid that gathered like a broken Roman shade at the eyelash line. “Look,” I said, “the eyelid has consumed my eyeball. I will not be able to see soon.”

I pulled out an inch of skin to demonstrate my infirmity.

He pulled out three inches of his own. “Ticktock,” he said. And he was right. All things skin had gone to hell, from the crepe of my forearms to lots of new precancerous lesions that he routinely froze off or biopsied, once making me use a horrible burning cream all over my face that turned me into Peeling Tomato Girl.

So many indignities are involved in aging, and yet so many graces, too. The perfectionism that had run me ragged and has kept me scared and wired my whole life has abated. The idea of perfectionism at 60 is comical when, like me, you’ve worn non-matching black flats out on stage. In my experience, most of us age away from brain and ambition toward heart and soul, and we bathe in relief that things are not worse. When I was younger, I was fixated on looking good and impressing people and being so big in the world. By 60, I didn’t care nearly as much what people thought of me, mostly.

And anyway, you know by 60 that people are rarely thinking of you. They are thinking about their own finances, family problems and upper arms.

I have no idea of the process that released some of that clench and self-consciousness, except that by a certain age some people beloved to me had died. And then you seriously get real about how short and precious life is. You have bigger fish to fry than your saggy butt. Also, what more can you lose, and what more can people do to you that age has not already done? You thought you could physically do this or that — i.e., lift the dog into the back seat — but two weeks later your back is still complaining. You thought that your mind was thrilling to others, but it turns out that not everyone noticed, and now they’re just worried because your shoes don’t match.

Anyway, as my dermatologist hinted, the tock did tick, and one day he was gone. He retired. Then last year, I heard he died.

>Which brings us to death, deathly old death. At a few months shy of 70, with eyeballs squinting through the folds, I now face the possibility that I might die someday. My dad said after his cancer diagnosis that we are all on borrowed time, and it is good to be reminded of this now and again. It’s a great line, and the third-most-popular conversation we oldies have with each other, after the decline of our bodies and the latest senior moments: how many memorial services we go to these days.

Some weeks, it feels as though there is a sniper in the trees, picking off people we have loved for years. It breaks your heart, but as Carly Simon sang, there is more room in a broken heart. My heart is the roomiest it has ever been.

I do live in my heart more, which is hard in its own ways, but the blessing is that the yammer in my head is quieter, the endless questioning: What am I supposed to be doing? Is this the right thing? What do you think of that? What does he think of that?

My parents and the culture told me that I would be happier if I did a certain thing, or stopped doing that, or tried harder and did better. But as my great friend Father Terry Richey said, it’s not about trying harder; it’s about resisting less. This is right up aging’s alley. Some days are sweet, some are just too long.

A lot of us thought when we were younger that we might want to stretch ourselves into other areas, master new realms. Now, I know better. I’m happy with the little nesty areas that are mine. For some reason, I love my softer, welcoming tummy. I laugh gently more often at darling confused me’s spaced-outed ness, although I’m often glad no one was around to witness my lapses.

Especially my son, who frequently and jovially brings up APlaceForMom.com. He’ll say, “I found you a really nice place nearby, where they’ll let you have a little dog!” Recently, I was graciously driving him and his teenage son somewhere and made a tiny driving mistake hardly worth mentioning — I did not hit anyone, nor did I leave the filling station with the nozzle still in the gas tank — and he said to his boy just loud enough so that I could hear, “I’m glad we live so close to town, so it won’t be as hard for her when we have to take away her keys.”

I roared with laughter, and with love, and with an ache in my heart for something I can’t name.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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End-of-life clinicians are trying to shift Hollywood’s depiction of death

By April Dembosky

We’re used to seeing death on TV and in the movies, but some clinicians who work with people at the end of life say the most common depictions aren’t representative of what happens in the real world. They’re trying to shift the stories we tell about death to help people cope better. From member station KQED, April Dembosky reports.

APRIL DEMBOSKY, BYLINE: We’ve seen it so many times – a young man rushed into the emergency room with a gunshot wound, a flurry of white coats racing the clock, CPR, the heart zapper, the order for a scalpel, stat. This is Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider’s biggest pet peeve.

SHOSHANA UNGERLEIDER: Acute violent death is portrayed many, many, many times more than a natural death.

DEMBOSKY: Ungerleider practiced in the hospital and ICU for seven years. She says television tropes like this ignore the full range of end-of-life experiences and the choices people have, like dying at home instead of a hospital. And all those miraculous CPR recoveries – they create false hope. She thinks Hollywood can do better.

UNGERLEIDER: Really, our goal is to encourage them to write in different kinds of inspiring and nuanced and diverse storylines that are more representative of what’s actually possible.

DEMBOSKY: Ungerleider is the founder of End Well, a nonprofit that hosts an annual conference. It’s like the TEDx for end of life.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #1: Please find your seats. Our program is about to begin.

DEMBOSKY: It started six years ago in San Francisco. But this year, it was in Los Angeles for the first time. Ungerleider wants to harness the power of prime-time TV.

UNGERLEIDER: We’re trying to embed ourselves within Hollywood.

DEMBOSKY: In addition to the hospice nurses and grief experts, End Well invited a team of celebrities to the conference stage, like talk show host Amanda Kloots and comedian Tig Notaro. Sitcom star Yvette Nicole Brown was the emcee.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)

YVETTE NICOLE BROWN: And when my mom passed, I called all my friends whose mom had passed before and apologized…

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #2: Yeah.

BROWN: …Because I said, until this moment, I had no idea.

DEMBOSKY: Brown had no models for how to grieve or support others in their grief. Now she’s trying to set an example for the rest of the entertainment industry.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)

BROWN: If you are a writer or a producer or a comedian or whatever, talk about grief.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #2: Yeah.

BROWN: Talk about death.

DEMBOSKY: End Well has also partnered with researchers at USC Annenberg to find out what’s stopping TV producers from using more realistic death narratives. Director of research Erica Rosenthal says they found Hollywood execs are wary that depressing stories will alienate viewers.

ERICA ROSENTHAL: Entertainment is still a profit-driven system, and the bottom line is viewership.

DEMBOSKY: She says what many viewers want from TV is escapism, comfort, humor.

ROSENTHAL: How do you make end-of-life care funny?

DEMBOSKY: A few industry outliers are convinced they can.

J J DUNCAN: I hope that we can learn that death stories don’t have to be sad or sappy or depressing.

(SOUNDBITE OF COMPAGNIA D’OPERA ITALIANA, ALBERTO GAZALE, AND ANTONELLO GOTTA PERFORMANCE OF ROSSINI’S “IL BARBIERE DI SIVIGLIA – LARGO AL FACTORUM”)

DEMBOSKY: J.J. Duncan is the showrunner for the new reality show on NBC’s streaming network narrated by Amy Poehler, “The Gentle Art Of Swedish Death Cleaning.”

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, “THE GENTLE ART OF SWEDISH DEATH CLEANING”)

AMY POEHLER: What is Swedish death cleaning, you say? Basically, cleaning out your crap so that others don’t have to do it when you’re gone.

DEMBOSKY: In the first episode, three Swedes help a 75-year-old woman sort through her belongings and her memories, including working as a singing waitress in Aspen.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, “THE GENTLE ART OF SWEDISH DEATH CLEANING”)

SUZI SANDERSON: I sang there for 11 years.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #3: Oh.

SANDERSON: And then I got married. And then – well, I have to tell the truth. It ruined my sex life.

(LAUGHTER)

DEMBOSKY: Duncan says Hollywood is slowly opening up. She couldn’t believe producers were willing to do a show with the word death in the title.

DUNCAN: I mean, that alone is amazing. And we had studio people say, oh, don’t say death too much, you know what I mean? Because it’s scary.

DEMBOSKY: But Duncan says any good story has setup, conflict and resolution – maybe a hero’s journey. There’s no reason death can’t fit into the formula.

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We Should Talk More About Dying, Cause You Will

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Mounting the pulpit at the Glenn Memorial United Methodist Church in Atlanta, Jason Carter explained of Rosalynn Carter, “My grandmother doesn’t need a eulogy; her life was a sermon.”

It’s a line that’s been used in countless memorial services and even more sermons, seminars, and motivational sayings because a great truth is delivered in a simple saying. Most folks have been to the funeral where the person laid out at the front becomes in death a sinless saint according to the words flowing over the casket and into the gathered mourners. If we are fortunate, we get to attend the celebration of life of someone who had far more to praise than the allotted time allows.

This service was the latter. Most tributes are not what Rosalynn Carter got, of course. A front row of all the living first ladies per the departed’s specific request, a former and the sitting President of The United States of America, Trisha Yearwood and Garth Brooks performing, live streaming to the world; while the mechanics of the tribute were familiar there is of course an elevated sense when it is someone as universally respected as Rosalynn Carter.

“The first rule about funerals,” I can hear my father’s voice clearly as he explained something he himself had officiated hundreds of times, “is to understand they are not about you.” I heard it growing up so many times but took until much later in life until I fully understood this maxim. I’ve come to use big public displays of folks passing on as an opportunity to really learn something by watching the reactions. Especially online with social media and news media, a famous person’s death becomes something of a canvas for folks to publicly paint whatever they want. Usually, they paint what they were already going to paint, just with the nomenclature and excuse of whoever died to crank it up from the usual simmering 6 to a viral-baiting 11.

When folks use a famous funeral or celebrity death to tell the world what they really think, believe them.

When the politically ate up knuckleheads online go on and on about Melania Trump being at the service — to the point the Carter family had to come out with a statement that she was there at Rosalynn Carter’s specific request — believe them. When another group of equally-politically ate up but opposing side knuckleheads take a run at the appearance of Michelle Obama with vile caricatures and accusations, believe them. When utterly tone deaf and stupid protestors outside the church try to detract from the service and disrespect the man who is the most high-profile supporter of the cause they claim is important to them as he grieves his wife, believe them. When folks can’t just say nothing if they have nothing good to say, because trending or something, believe them.

Death, especially celebrity death, seems to be a starter pistol-like signal for too many to rush to their device and bare the darker corners of their soul because…why? The person who died, who has no clue who any of these folks are, is dead and can’t respond? Are the online seal claps of a particular in-group some precious resource that can be uniquely mined only as the digital community virtually rallies around the corpse in some sort of viral wake?

While the negative effects of having very online lives is often overblown hyperbole, there really does seem to be something to nationalized politics and culture distilled into personally curated online consumption that isn’t helping our sense of mortality. Social media — like money, power, and alcohol — emboldens and empowers folks to be more of what they really are internally to the outside world without the usual filters. When the filters are off, you get what really dwells in the heart and mind that the spell check of sobriety or keeping your bearing offline in the real world usually corrects.

Being a productive citizen of society begins with being a functional mature adult. A keystone for building a functional adult life is understanding the linear ride from birth to death we are all on. The inevitable, unpredictable, linear ride from birth to death which everyone is taking, and no one is exempt from. While the psychologists, philosophers, and theologians hash out all the particulars, most of us mere mortals can just start with embracing the fact that we are going to die. Setting that immutable fact in its proper place makes a good guardrail to living a good life that can end at any moment, and should be lived so that the speaker over the casket doesn’t have to lie too terribly much about what we accomplished before shuffling off our mortal coil.

The same social and news media that makes bank on celebrity deaths is rife with self-help gurus and Fad O’the Day programs about living a better life, longer life, more fulfilling life, on and on and on. Nothing wrong with those things in the abstract, and probably plenty of practical usages therein for folks to apply. But less popular on YouTube and TikTok is the reality of mortal life. Movies love the young, passionate romance, but Hollywood makes fewer films about the octogenarians trying to get their spouse of a half century to take their meds as they demand to know who they are because time and illness has robbed the mind. Not a lot of influencers who have inhabited our gyms and fitness centers with their mobile video shoots like locusts upon the harvest set up shop in rehab centers and nursing homes to portray not the latest viral fitness craze, but folks just hoping to walk to the bathroom unassisted one more time.

When Jimmy Carter was wheeled into his wife’s tribute, suited and covered in a blanket bearing an image of the couple, some on social media reacted poorly. How, exactly, they expected a 99 year old man who has been in hospice since February and just lost his wife of nearly 80 years is supposed to look was not addressed. Perhaps many of them have never cared for anyone at the end of natural life. Yes, they don’t look as they once did, they struggle, their mouths hang open, they often can’t communicate effectively, they can’t be as they once were because time is undefeated against presidents or paupers alike.

An aged, infirmed, and clearly struggling Jimmy Carter — in what will be his final public appearance — drew strong reactions online. But hopefully after those reactions, the Very Online who live in a world full of likes and daisies and no bad things on the carefully curated timelines look again, hard as it may be. Not as a former president, or any politics or policies, or even the lifetime of philanthropic work the Carters together did since they first met in 1945.

What did you see in that frail, dying man, and did you learn the lesson of life that was preached by Rosalynn Carter during her 96 years of life?

Far from revolting, or scary, or drawing pity, the scene at the front of the Glenn Memorial United Methodist Church was one of great beauty. Not because of the pomp and sober circumstance, or the dignitaries, or the great words. In Jimmy Carter we saw a man putting the period on the end of the last sentence in a great story of personal love and integrity. His last public struggle, completely reliant on others to get it done, but no less present and willing himself to do what he knew needed to be done and was good and proper to do so. The small hours of highly personal struggles as death nears is something we don’t talk about, or show, or want to think about. But we should be thankful for the Carters in this respect: that in Rosalynn’s remembrance and Jimmy’s last leg of the journey without her, we don’t need fancy words to explain to us a life well lived, and death met with courage and dignity.

We just had to watch.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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20 must-watch movies about death

By Thomas West

Sadly enough, everyone must contend with death at one point or another. Given its ubiquity, it’s unsurprising that the movies have engaged with questions of death, dying, and grief, often with great effect. At their best, such films tug on the heartstrings and use cinematic storytelling to grapple with the broader questions that death inevitably raises. Just as importantly, for many people, films about death and dying are also invaluable tools for learning how to work through and process the sometimes overwhelming power of grief and loss.

‘City of Angels’

'City of Angels'

Nicolas Cage and Meg Ryan have astonishing chemistry in the beloved ‘90s movie City of Angels. Cage portrays Seth, an angel who falls in love with a human woman (Dr. Maggie Rice, played by Ryan) and, after sacrificing his immortality, learns what it means to be human. It hits many of the notes one would expect from a romantic drama of this sort, but it also does something a bit more: Using its story of an angel to ask the viewer to examine what it means to be human and how it is possible to make one’s peace with the inevitability of death.

‘Terms of Endearment’

'Terms of Endearment'

Shirley MacLaine gives one of the best performances of her career in Terms of Endearment, in which she plays Aurora Greenway, a woman with a close but complex relationship with her daughter, Emma. Things become particularly difficult when the latter develops terminal cancer, leading to some of the most emotionally wrenching and heartbreaking moments of the 1980s. It is anchored by the strong performances of MacLaine and co-star Debra Winger, and the film accurately captures how terminal illness can impact even the strongest of relationships, including the ones between a mother and her daughter.

‘P.S. I Love You’

'P.S. I Love You'

At first blush, the central conceit of P.S. I Love You —  in which a husband leaves behind a number of messages to his widow to keep her from being mired in grief — might seem ridiculous. However, one can’t help but admire the film’s commitment to this idea, which ends up being a sweet little melodrama (even if the critics disapproved). Though Hilary Swank was better known for her serious dramatic roles before this film, she does quite well as a romantic lead, and the film explores the difficulties of navigating love and loss.

‘Marley & Me’

'Marley & Me'

If there’s one thing sure to evoke tears, it’s a story about a dog. Perhaps no film pulls this off like Marley & Me,  the film based on the bestselling memoir by John Grogan. Though Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston are the putative stars, the yellow Labrador retriever Marley is the heart and soul of the film. Much like Old Yeller, the film is as heartbreaking as it is funny, but because of this, it is the ideal film for those who need to work through their own loss of a beloved family animal companion.

‘Soul’

'Soul'

The genius of the Pixar method of filmmaking lies in its ability to use the beauty of animation to explore weighty philosophical and emotional issues. Soul, for example, follows an aspiring musician who falls into a coma before he can realize his dream and tries to escape the inevitability of death. Like so many of the studio’s other beloved films, it doesn’t beat the viewer over the head with its messages; instead, it uses its gentle, soft story and the combination of beautiful animation and talented voice cast to guide them into a deeper understanding and appreciation of life and its inevitable end.

‘The Sixth Sense’

'The Sixth Sense'

These days, the works of M. Night Shyamalan have become quite limited due to his over-reliance on a twist ending. However, The Sixth Sense  remains one of his most notable creations, thanks to inspired performances from Bruce Willis, Haley Joel Osment, and Toni Collette. Moreover, its story about a boy who can commune with the dead retains its raw emotional power. Though it often veers into the realm of unsettling horror, it just as frequently ventures into more somber and thoughtful territory, asking what it means to grieve and what it means to move on from loss.

‘Meet Joe Black’

'Meet Joe Black'

Meet Joe Black is one of those unusual films that could have only come out in the 1990s, focusing as it does on a businessman who encounters Death who, in turn, wants to grasp the human experience. Things get more complicated once Death — in the form of a young man named Joe Black — falls in love with the businessman’s daughter. It stars some of the biggest names of the decade, including Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins. Though it is a bit overlong (it runs over three hours), there is still something remarkably touching and sensitive about the film’s engagement with the question of what makes one human.

‘The Fault in Our Stars’

'The Fault in Our Stars'

There’s something uniquely poignant and heartbreaking about films that focus on two young people who find love despite suffering from terminal illnesses. This premise is at the heart of the film The Fault in Our Stars,  which focuses on Hazel and Gus, two cancer patients who fall in love despite their bleak prognoses. In a less competent film, the story would have felt trite and cliche, but thanks to the memorable performances from Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort, it becomes instead a moving testament to the power of love to give meaning to a life.

‘Death Takes a Holiday’

'Death Takes a Holiday'

The Pre-Code era of Hollywood was a particularly fertile period for the industry, known for generating some remarkable and adventurous movies. For example, Death Takes a Holiday, as its title suggests, focuses on Death as he decides to become a human for a time. While in his mortal body, he falls in love with a mortal woman. This might sound a bit morbid, and it is, but somehow, the film manages to make it work, thanks in no small part to the performance of Fredric March as Death (and his human form, Prince Sirki).

‘The Lovely Bones’

'The Lovely Bones'

Though Peter Jackson is best known for his Lord of the Rings trilogy, he has also earned well-deserved praise for several smaller, more intimate projects. One of the most notable of these is The Lovely Bones, based on the novel of the same name by Alice Sebold. It’s a haunting and beautifully-told movie about a young woman who grapples with her own death and what to do from the in-between self in which she finds herself. The film deals with some heavy and powerful topics, but thanks to Jackson’s direction and Saoirse Ronan’s performance, it never becomes the cliche it could have been.
<h2″>’The Land Before Time’

'The Land Before Time'

The animated films of Don Bluth are rightly regarded as the more emotionally mature counterpart to Disney (for whom he once worked), and few ‘80s and ‘90s kids weren’t traumatized by The Land Before Time. The death of Littlefoot’s mother near the beginning of the film is heartbreaking in itself, but it is also wrenching to watch the poor young dinosaur have to come to terms with her loss. Nevertheless, Bluth’s genius lies in his ability to make death in all its devastation explicable and understandable for his young audience, giving them a means of working through the unimaginable.

‘The Bucket List’

'The Bucket List'

Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson are perfectly cast as Carter and Edward, two dying men who decide to start doing the activities they have wanted to try before they die. It’s an unquestionably sentimental movie, but this is precisely what makes it such a joy to watch Nicholson and Freeman portray two curmudgeonly but adventurous older men. It’s also a film that reminds the viewer of the importance of making the most out of the time that one has, whether it’s months or years.

‘Ghost’

'Ghost'

During the height of his career, the late Patrick Swayze was one of Hollywood’s biggest heartthrobs. He conveyed a mix of assurance, swagger, and sensitivity, which are very much on display in the 1990 film Ghost.  In the film, he plays Sam Wheat, a man killed only to return as a ghost. He then joins forces with a medium (played by Whoopi Goldberg) to reunite with his beloved Molly (Demi Moore). Its premise might be more than a little far-fetched, but somehow, the film makes it work, primarily because of the undeniable chemistry between Swayze and Moore, who manage to sell its outlandish premise.&

‘The Others’

'The Others'

Nicole Kidman is one of her generation’s finest actresses, and she performs remarkably in The Others. She portrays Grace Stewart, a mother desperate to protect her children from the malevolent entity that seems to have inhabited their house. As the film goes on, however, it becomes clear that not all is at all as it seems, and the film skillfully keeps the viewer guessing until the very end. The final twist is as heartbreaking as it is terrifying, and it allows Kidman to reach new heights in terms of her performance.

‘Love Story’

'Love Story'

Love Story is, in some ways, the exemplary 1970s romantic drama. Starring Ryan O’Neal and Ali MacGraw as a young married couple, Oliver and Jenny, who fall in love over the opposition of his parents and their significant class differences. Things veer into tragedy when it’s revealed that Jenny is dying from cancer, leading to Oliver’s reconciliation with his father. In a less capable film, such a story would be trite or treacly. Instead, thanks to a competent script, strong direction, and remarkable performances, it manages to be something stronger than the book on which it’s based, and it deserves its reputation as one of the best love movies ever made.

‘Steel Magnolias’

'Steel Magnolias'

If there’s one film that is the epitome of a tear-jerker, it would be Steel Magnolias. At the center of the story is the bond between Julia Roberts’ Shelby and Sally Field’s M’Lynn Eatento, a daughter and her mother who have to cope with the former’s failing health and her desire to start a family. The film is filled to bursting with great performances from the likes of Olympia Dukakis, Shirley MacLaine, and Daryl Hannah and, while also uproariously funny, it isn’t afraid to wear its heart on its sleeve, and this is precisely what makes it so enduringly popular and beloved.

‘The Farewell’

'The Farewell'

While Awkwafina might be best known for her many comedic roles, she has also shown dramatic range, particularly in The Farewell. She plays Billi Wang, a young woman who returns to China once she learns her beloved grandmother is dying. It’s a rich and textured film, particularly since the family refuses to tell the grandmother, Nai Nai, the truth about her diagnosis. This is the type of film designed to be a tear-jerker, but it also engages with several other issues, particularly concerning the conflicts that emerge between second-generation Americans and their first-generation parents and grandparents.

‘A Walk to Remember’

'A Walk to Remember'

For all that it might be more than a little trite and predictable, there is still something moving about A Walk to Remember.  After all, this is a film that focuses on a poignant teen romance between Landon Carter and Jamie Sullivan, the latter of whom is suffering from leukemia. It hits all the right notes, and there is no small amount of chemistry between Shane West and Mandy Moore. Just as importantly, the film also has some genuinely moving moments, particularly when Moore’s Jamie discusses her faith and what she thinks awaits her after death.

‘After Yang’

'After Yang'

After Yang, like the very best of science fiction, grapples with some of the biggest ideas that occupy the human imagination. In this case, the film uses the story of one family’s sense of loss over a robotic teenage boy to explore what it means to be human and just what, if anything, separates nonhumans from humans. It’s a remarkably subtle film, eschewing the bombast often associated with the genre. It also features some truly evocative and heartbreaking performances, particularly from Colin Farrell, who plays Jake, the father trying to bring Yang back to life so that his daughter can have a companion.

‘Coco’

'Coco'

As a studio, Pixar has always excelled at crafting exquisitely beautiful and emotionally poignant feature films, and Coco remains one of their best to date. When young Miguel wanders into the Land of the Dead, he finds that he must return home soon or risk being trapped there forever. While there, he has to grapple with some unfortunate truths about his family’s history and learn about the value of grappling with grief and loss. The film is the perfect blend of vibrant animation and poignant emotional truth, with characters one can’t help but love.<

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Supernatural Festivals

— A Cross-Cultural Look at the Celebration of Death

Candles placed on the river to carry intentions

By Dr. Ahriana Platten

Halloween, with its eerie costumes, spooky decorations, and a sense of playful fright, is a widely celebrated holiday in many parts of the world. It’s interesting to note that various faiths around the globe have their own festivals that share similarities with Halloween, a great example of the universal need to acknowledge our ancestors, the time of death, and our desire for life beyond our mortal walk. These celebrations may not always align perfectly with the modern commercialized version of Halloween, but they embrace themes of the supernatural, remembrance of the deceased, and the triumph of light over darkness.

Here are a few examples:

Dia de los Muertos – Mexico

In Mexico, Dia de los Muertos, or the Day of the Dead, is a vibrant and colorful festival that coincides with Halloween. Celebrated from October 31st to November 2nd, this holiday honors deceased loved ones. Families create elaborate altars adorned with sugar skulls, marigold flowers, and the favorite foods and beverages of the departed. People dress in skeleton costumes, and parades and festivals take place across the country to celebrate the cycle of life and death.

Pitru Paksha – Hinduism

In Hinduism, Pitru Paksha is a 16-day period when Hindus pay homage to their ancestors. It is believed that during this time, the spirits of the deceased visit the realm of the living. Families perform rituals, offer food, and conduct tarpana (libations) to honor their ancestors and seek blessings for their well-being in the afterlife. The festival is marked by a sense of solemnity and reflection, akin to Halloween’s connection with the supernatural.

Obon – Buddhism

Obon, or the Festival of the Dead, is a Buddhist tradition celebrated in Japan in July or August, depending on the region. During this time, families honor deceased relatives by lighting lanterns and setting them afloat on rivers and other bodies of water. It is believed that these lanterns guide the spirits of the deceased back to the world of the living. Bon Odori dances are also performed, and grave sites are cleaned and decorated to welcome back the spirits.

Samhain – Celtic Paganism

Samhain, originating from Celtic pagan traditions, is considered the precursor to modern Halloween. Celebrated on October 31st, it marks the end of the harvest season and the onset of winter. It is believed that during Samhain, the veil between the world of the living and the world of the dead is at its thinnest, allowing spirits to cross over. People would light bonfires, don masks, and leave offerings to appease the spirits. Many elements of Samhain have been incorporated into contemporary Halloween celebrations.

Chuseok – Korean Buddhism

Chuseok, also known as Korean Thanksgiving Day, is a major harvest festival celebrated in Korea. While it is not directly related to Halloween, it shares some thematic similarities. Families gather to pay respect to their ancestors by visiting their ancestral graves, offering food, and performing ancestral rites. Chuseok emphasizes the importance of family and the connection between the living and the deceased, similar to Halloween’s focus on remembering the departed.

Qingming Festival – Chinese Traditions

The Qingming Festival, also known as Tomb-Sweeping Day, is a Chinese tradition that occurs around April 4th or 5th. During this time, families visit the graves of their ancestors to clean the tombstones, make offerings, and burn incense. It is a day of remembrance and reflection, where people pay their respects to their ancestors and ensure their well-being in the afterlife. While not directly tied to Halloween, Qingming shares the theme of honoring the deceased and maintaining a connection with the spirit world.

Regardless of the specific rituals and customs, these traditions serve as a reminder of the enigmatic and unexplained aspects of life and death, making them captivating parallels to the Halloween festivities we know and cherish. the value of exploring the rites, rituals, and sacred ceremonies of faiths other than our own is that we begin to identify aspects of life that are universally important to all human beings — and, in the process, we come to a better understanding of our interconnection. This serves the pursuit of peace — something much of the world is actively seeking now.

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What is a living funeral?

— This unique celebration of life and its benefits explained

Explore the concept of a living funeral and discover the profound meaning and benefits these celebrations can have for everyone involved.

By

If you’ve heard the term “living funeral” pop up as you’re planning end-of-life care for yourself or a loved one, you may very well wonder if you’ve stumbled on a typo. After all, the history of funeral practices in the United States and around the world customarily centers around the time after someone has died.

But no, you read that right. A living funeral — sometimes called a living wake or a pre-funeral — is a ceremony held for a person who is very much alive.

What is a living funeral all about? Why are loved ones opting to throw funerals for the living? Who are they for, and why have they grown in popularity? We asked experts to break down the practice of living funerals and to help you decide if this ritual is one that’s right for you or someone you love.

In its most simple form, a living funeral is a funeral held for a person who is still alive. They are usually performed for individuals who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness or who are advancing in age and coming to grips with their mortality and are typically held in the months, weeks or even days before someone’s death.

While the terminology may be unfamiliar to you, the living funeral concept is not new, says the Rev. George Handzo, director of health services research and quality for the national nonprofit HealthCare Chaplaincy Network. As a chaplain who works with people nearing the end of their life, Handzo says he’s often seen family members come together for a party of sorts to celebrate their loved one.

In some indigenous cultures, Handzo adds, it’s traditional for family members to gather near the end of a loved one’s life and engage in rituals, such as passing on family heirlooms, eating together and praying together as death nears. And the concept of a living funeral has long been practiced in countries like Japan, where the practice is called a seizensō or “funeral while alive.”

What’s the difference between a living funeral and a traditional funeral?

The core concept of a living funeral is the same as that of a traditional funeral — to offer a time and place for friends and family to gather together to honor a loved one. The primary difference between the two is whether or not the ceremony is held before or after the beloved person has died.

Often the tone of living funeral ceremonies is different from that of a traditional funeral as well, says Megan Sheldon, a ceremonialist and end-of-life doula from Vancouver, who’s also co-founder of Be Ceremonial, an app that guides you to create your own ceremonies, including a living funeral or living wake.

“People who come to us often want the event to feel lighthearted, relaxed and fun,” Sheldon explains. “They recognize the sadness and grief people are holding, and they want to focus on how [their loved one] lived their life and not how they are going to die”

What’s included in a living funeral?

The decision around when this sort of ceremony is held or even the shape it takes can differ greatly from person to person, says Willow Baum, an end-of-life planning educator and doula from Callicoon, New York.

“Every person and every circle of loved ones is incredibly unique,” Baum says. That’s why she starts planning by first getting to know the individual’s goals and values to help give shape to a living funeral that is right for them.

For example, an introvert may wish for a small ceremony where people come to visit them at home one at a time or in small groups while an extrovert may want to plan a large get-together with dozens of relatives and friends coming together all at once.

An added bonus to planning a living funeral over a traditional funeral is having the ability to actually ask the person you love what they want included in their ceremony, Baum says. While some people will create a funeral or memorial service plan before their death, asking for clarification on those plans is something that cannot be done when planning a funeral after someone’s death.

“You should really ask them. Don’t guess. Don’t assume,” Baum recommends for anyone who is helping a family member or friend with their end-of-life planning and discussing their final wishes. “This gives people a reason to get deeper with one another.”

While the exact structure and rites included in a living funeral depend on the wishes of the dying person, here are a few practices that might be included:

  • Candle lighting or bell ringing to open the ceremony.
  • Shared speeches from family or friends, similar to the eulogies that might be shared after someone has died.
  • Shared words and thoughts from the celebrated individual for those who have gathered.
  • An officiant who leads and guides attendees in prayer.
  • A video stream for family or friends who cannot attend.
  • Group storytelling and memory swapping among those who attend.
  • Music and food, chosen by the person being honored.
  • Allotted time for attendees to spend a private moment with the dying relative or friend.

Baum likes the way most of these living funerals unfold to a celebration of life held after someone has died. A living funeral, however, is heavily imbued with a reminder that “time is finite,” adds Baum.

What are the benefits of a living funeral?

A living funeral certainly isn’t something that everyone needs to add to their end-of-life planning, but there are myriad reasons why this sort of ceremony is one that families may consider.

Here are some of the many benefits that a living funeral can offer:

  • The opportunity for loved ones to say goodbye – After someone has died, Handzo often hears from friends and family,”‘I didn’t say I love you enough’?” When someone is diagnosed with a terminal illness, the living funeral gives loved ones the ability to do just that: gather to say the things often left unsaid. “We do far too little in our culture of saying goodbye and thinking of the dying person,” Handzo adds.
  • A means for the dying to play a role in the ceremony – The act of planning a living funeral can offer catharsis in and of itself, Baum says, allowing someone a chance to take control of their own end-of-life ceremony. For some, she says, it helps them work through their feelings about death and the unknown. For others, this simply provides a way to feel less out of control about the future.
  • A chance for the dying to impart last words – A living funeral gives someone who is dying the ability to speak with loved ones and friends who they might not otherwise get to see before their death, especially if time is short and separate visits for each person are too taxing. This could take the form of sharing words of wisdom with a grandchild, offering an apology to someone with whom they’ve had a falling out or simply sharing information.
  • A place to highlight positive memories – While the finite time remaining with their loved one may inspire a tinge of sadness, the storytelling element of a living funeral can be uplifting too, giving people a reason to laugh and smile. Sheldon helps families and friends to explore memories in positive ways by creating “memory walkways” with clients. “We hang photos from their lives down a path,” she explains, “and invite people to walk down listening to favorite music while they notice all of the photo memories and moments of significance.”
  • A space for families to come together – Simply providing people a place to come together is an added benefit, Handzo says. Busy family members can reconnect and reforge bonds that can provide needed moral support as individuals come to grips with their own feelings about their impending loss and possibly their own mortality.

Can anyone have a living funeral?

If the benefits of planning a living wake sound appealing, you may be wondering if you can start planning your own pre-funeral. Can just anyone have one? Well … technically … yes. But experts have some advice for helping you decide.

“Usually people know they are going to die within a few months and want to do it before they get too weak to appreciate the experience for what it is,” Sheldon says of most living funeral honorees.

That doesn’t mean you have to have a terminal illness, however.

“We’ve hosted living funerals for people who have no intention of dying anytime soon,” Sheldon adds, “but are doing this anyway, as a chance to bring their friends and family together one last time.”

Are there ethical considerations to living funerals?

Of course, there may be some cultural, emotional and sometimes moral considerations to contemplate before adding a living funeral ceremony to your calendar.

For one, the trend of living funerals represents a generational shift in Western cultures, Baum says, and it’s important to respect that older family members may not be comfortable with the idea. Instead of pushing a living funeral on a dying loved one, she stresses the importance of listening to their wishes and working together. Bringing in an end-of-life planner or death doula can be especially helpful as they bring not just their expertise but an outsider’s perspective during an emotional time.

Handzo also advises that people think deeply about their goals before planning a living funeral. For example, he notes, if you’ve had a deep rift with family members or friends and are hoping that these people will come to your pre-funeral to say nice things about you, it’s wise to reconsider.

“That’s not productive,” he warns.

Handzo also advises against trying to force family members to attend a living funeral simply because someone has finite time remaining before death.

In short, a living funeral should not be used to manipulate people, relationships or emotions.

Nor does Handzo recommend using a living funeral as a means to dissuade family and friends from gathering after you have died. “Sometimes,” he notes, “the family does want to do a funeral and go to the graveside.”

While the pre-funeral can benefit both the dying and the people who love them, a traditional funeral may still be an important part of the grieving process for those who have to say goodbye. There may also be cultural or religious traditions — such as the Jewish practice of sitting shiva for a loved one who has died — that people may still want to carry out after someone has died.

Should you plan a living funeral?

Deciding to have a living funeral is an incredibly personal decision, and if you’re considering suggesting the idea for a sick or dying loved one, you first may want to consult with an expert who can help you through the conversation. In particular, Sheldon warns that some people who have yet to accept their death may find talk of a living funeral triggering.

If you’re pondering whether or not this type of ceremony is right for yourself, Baum says it can be helpful to think about it not just in the context of your own wishes but also how it may affect those you are leaving behind. Just as writing out your wishes for what you would like to happen after you have died, planning out the time you have before your death can help loved ones better understand how to support you.

“To think about your own end,” she adds, “is to give the people who are going to do the wrapping up in the end a roadmap.”

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