Last July, the doctor delivered news no pet owner ever wants to hear. Seven-year-old Tank’s cancer had spread. He likely had just two months to live.
So Diane Cosgrove, 37, set out to give her beloved Rottweiler as many memorable experiences as she could, making a bucket list that included going to a baseball game, getting Shake Shack treats and a pet-store shopping spree.
“I did everything to make his last month and a half special,” says Cosgrove, who lives in Pompton Plains, NJ.
The 2007 Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman movie “The Bucket List” brought the notion of a “things to do before you die” checklist into the mainstream, but the concept is no longer just for baby boomers. It’s also for pooches and pet owners, who are granting Fido’s every woof in his final days. A mutt’s dying wishes are even the plot of a current Subaru commercial.
“We’re afraid of death. The bucket list is just a way . . . of managing,” says Dr. Stephanie LaFarge, senior director of counseling services at the ASPCA. “Now that pets are part of the family, it’s natural that we extend this practice to them.”
When Lauren Fern Watt, 26, learned her 6-year-old English mastiff Gizelle had bone cancer last year, making an ambitious bucket list for the dog helped her to process her illness. The dog’s final adventures included canoeing, road trips and dockside ice-cream eating.
“It seemed like a good way to celebrate my dog’s life, rather than cry over it,” she says.
Lauren Fern Watt took Gizelle boating after her dog was diagnosed with cancer.
Last January, after Gizelle passed away, Watt, a freelance travel writer who lives in the East Village, put together a photo essay for Yahoo about the dog’s bucket list. It was so popular, it resulted in a book deal. “Gizelle’s Bucket List” is due out next fall from Simon & Schuster.
Sarah Westcott, a Brooklyn dog trainer, practically moved the sun and the stars when Charleston, her 5-year-old Labrador, was diagnosed with inoperable fibrosarcoma in the summer of 2008.
She and her boyfriend trucked in 600 pounds of crushed ice and dumped it on her grandmother’s lawn in Bensonhurst to give the snow-loving dog a final romp in fresh powder. Mini pints of Guinness, unlimited cheese and one last Hamptons jaunt rounded out Charleston’s adventures before he died three weeks later.
“It was good to know that I had done everything I could have for him,” says Westcott.
Vets say that bucket lists are fine, so long as the dying dog’s best interests are kept in mind.
“It should be something that the pet, not the human, is going to enjoy,” says Sonja Olson, a veterinarian with BluePearl Veterinary Partners. “Stressing an animal out can stress their immune system further. Talk about it with your veterinarian. It might need to be dialed back.”
In the end, Cosgrove had to modify Tank’s bucket list. Three items — going to the beach, riding in a convertible and eating at a restaurant — remained when he was euthanized in August.
But he did make it to a New Jersey Jackals baseball game.
“He wasn’t feeling that great,” remembers Cosgrove, “but for the couple hours he was there, he was really perky and alert and enjoyed being outside.”
When people say you need to move on, you can sometimes think, That’s easy for you to say. This isn’t your loss. Putting a timeline on grief is nearly impossible and unnecessary.
2. What they say:
What you hear:
Someone who is grieving does not want to think about future spouses, or friends, etc., because that means thinking of a future that no longer includes their loved one.
3. What they say:
What you hear:
You know in your heart there is no better place for your loved one than with you.
4. What they say:
What you hear:
Losing a loved one is a HUGE part of someone’s life, and avoiding the subject will only make it worse. It’s OK to talk about it, and it’s OK to break down over it. It’s all part of the process.
5. What they say:
What you hear:
Although this is meant to be comforting, every experience of loss is different, so no one truly knows how you feel.
6. What they say:
What you hear:
Although we know no one would say this in a malicious way, it can come off as one of the worst things you could possibly say. While we’re glad you are appreciating your loved ones a little extra now, we just wish we still had our loved ones to appreciate.
7. What they say:
What you hear:
In the aftermath of a loss, chances are we’re doing the best we can just to get out of bed most days, so hearing that we should be able to handle this with no problem will only make us feel like we’re handling it wrong.
8. What they say:
What you hear:
No matter the situation surrounding a loss, knowing your loved one is no longer in pain is a very small comfort in a time of grief.
9. What they say:
What you hear:
Evoking God and religion is a great comfort to many, but not all. Sometimes, even those who are deeply religious will feel anger toward God in the aftermath of a loss, and not want to hear it. NO reason is a good enough reason for your loved one to no longer be around.
10. What they say:
What you hear:
If you want to help someone who is grieving, try doing something for them unprompted — like bringing over food, picking up their home, or taking their dog for a walk. It will mean a great deal.
11. What they say:
What you hear:
Chances are, if you’ve lost a loved one, you’re already feeling guilt in some form. Letting someone know that their loved one wouldn’t want them to feel exactly what they are feeling could only make it worse.
12. What they say:
What you hear:
Loss is a part of life, but not all losses are part of all lives. If you’ve lost a child, for example, hearing that what you’re experiencing is a “part of life” is especially upsetting.
13. What they say:
What you hear:
Allowing yourself to feel emotion is strong.
14. What they say:
What you hear:
Being told that you won’t always hurt so much for your loved one isn’t necessarily a comfort. You don’t want to hear you will move past them, even if you will.
15. What they say:
What you hear:
You are, of course, thankful for the time you had with them, but you should be allowed to grieve for the time you’re going to miss — especially when so many others have time left with their loved ones.
“I live my sadness every day, but I don’t resent it any more,” Zelda Williams recently wrote in an Instagram post about depression and grieving her father, the late Robin Williams. “I do it now so that the wonderful moments of joy I do find are not in order to forget, but to inhabit and enjoy for their own sake.”
Williams is certainly not the only one grappling with the complex process of grief. Most people experience loss at some point in their lives. Yet stigmas and rigid stereotypes about the experience persist. Here are eight lies we need to stop perpetuating about the simultaneously universal yet deeply personal experience of grief.
1. Grief is finite.
“Society as a whole is extremely understanding when it comes to acknowledging that the days immediately following a loss are hard,” Vivian Nunez, founder of the organization Too Damn Young, told Mic. But after the funeral has been planned and final goodbyes said, “the understanding begins to dwindle.”
People are expected to “get over their grief, move on and have closure,” psychologist and grief counselor Heidi Horsley told Mic.
But in reality, grief is an individual process that arguably may never definitively end.
“Loss has a very long arc,” Rebecca Soffer, co-founder and CEO of Modern Loss, told Mic. “It’s something you live with in various forms throughout the rest of your life.”
Though sometimes interminable, grief is a dynamic process that becomes incorporated into one’s life.
“We transform our grief, but we don’t get over it,” Horsley said. Nunez described grief as an emotion that “morphs into something you learn to walk alongside of, but it never goes away.”
2. Grief is a linear progression.
On Grief and Grievingauthors Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler write that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But while these stages may provide a useful framework, “grief is as individual as our lives,” rather than a concrete, universal timeline.
“There’s a bigger chance of you jumping between stages than there is that you’ll go in order,” Nunez said.
“There’s literally no rhyme or reason to what you’re going to go through because every human being is different, every loss experience is different,” Soffer said. “Loss is a very complex process.” It’s rare to have had complete closure with a loved one before losing them, which means stages of grief can manifest in “a completely haphazard format with endless permutations and combinations,” she added.
3. There’s a “right” way to grieve.
Grieving individuals often feel caught in a double standard of emotionality: Especially beyond a certain age, people are often regarded as cold-hearted if not emotional enough or wallowing if their grief is too palpable. Should they fall somewhere in the middle, as many do, they may feel judged, or misunderstood.
Teens and young adults who participate in the Too Damn Young community often experience this, Nunez said, and feel “ashamed” or like “they’re carrying baggage” when their grief “doesn’t fit a set norm or the one-size-fits-all formula.”
“So many people were expecting me to be crying 24/7,” one community member, 18-year-old Selena, told Mic of her experience after losing her mother. “When I went back to school, everyone was staring at me waiting for me to break down in the middle of the room.”
“The way a person grieves is very much their own to experience,” Nunez said. “Unless you’re harming yourself or others, there’s no wrong way to grieve. No two grief experiences are the same, but there is comfort in knowing we all start from the same place — the simple fact we’ve lost someone.”
Ultimately, “everyone has their own ways of coping, and whatever is working for you is the right way for you,” Selena said. “Don’t feel bad if you aren’t crying all day. Don’t feel bad if you’re not a complete mess.”
4. There’s a right way to support somebody who is grieving.
The single worst thing one can say to somebody who is grieving, according to Horsley? Nothing.
“People feel like if they say something it might upset you, but by saying nothing, you’re not acknowledging that anything ever happened,” Horsley said.
Acting as a sounding board for those experiencing loss may be the best approach, Soffer said. Some may worry that the reminder of their loss will cause more emotional damage, she said, but asking them about the person they lost and asking them to tell stories about them can be helpful to them. That’s the idea behind the Too Damn Young community’s campaign #TellUsAboutThem.
“The goal is to remind people that our loved ones are more than just their deaths, they are the lives and moments they lived before they died,” Nunez said.
5. Either make a sweeping gesture or don’t bother.
There are easy ways one can acknowledge and support others’ loss — like setting a calendar reminder to check in with a grieving friend, Soffer suggests. A simple task like cleaning for them or bringing them dinner can be just as meaningful, if not more, than a concerted, serious conversation about their loss.
Support can also take the form of moderating one’s own reaction to those who are grieving. “You have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors,” Soffer said. “Try and stop yourself if they do something to frustrate you, or are a little obnoxious. Just remember that they’ve gone through something that’s really profoundly sad and life-altering and identity-altering and give them the benefit of the doubt.”
While supportive gestures likes these need not be daunting, Soffer said, they should go beyond a text or a Facebook like. While doing so may make grieving individuals briefly feel better, she encourages people to “use these amazing tools of connectivity to be a trigger for more thoughtful action.”
6. Other factors of one’s identity are irrelevant to their grief.
Gender may uniquely affect one’s response to loss, according to the experts.
“Men tend to grieve shoulder to shoulder, not face to face,” Horsley said. Men “have been socialized to suck it up, walk it off, that real men don’t cry,” she said, but “women haven’t been socialized with those kinds of beliefs.”
Research backs this up: According to a study released by the Comfort Zone Camp, 38% of women, compared to 29% of men strongly agreed that losing a parent in childhood was “the toughest thing [they] ever had to deal with.” While 57% of men who had lost a parent in childhood surveyed agreed that people need to get over death because it’s part of life, only 36% of women agreed.
On the other hand, men who lose their wives “are often unprepared,” Rochester Institute of Technology professor Javier Espinosa, a lead researcher of the study, told the Telegraph. Men’s health may be affected more by losing “their caregiver, someone who cares for them physically and emotionally,” than women who lose their husbands, since “this same mechanism is likely weaker,” Espinosa said.
Age can also be hugely impactful. “There are different challenges that come with grieving as a young person because you’re figuring yourself out a bit more,” Nunez said. “When a significant person in your life dies, you begin to ask the bigger questions at a much younger age. It’s hard to face mortality at an age when you feel as though you and those around you are essentially invincible.”
7. Talking about it is morbid and inappropriate.
“I was once a kid in a classroom, under the age of 20, who had lost her mom, and I never knew anyone else who had,” Nunez said. “This is where having a conversation around grief could significantly impact those who are in the shadows about those they lost.”
Soon after Nunez launched Too Damn Young, she received multiple emails confirming she wasn’t the only one who felt they couldn’t discuss the experience of loss.
Surrounding oneself with others who have experienced loss and sharing those experiences, Horsley said, can be hugely beneficial.
“When you’re with other people who have been there and made it, you know you can too,” she said. “You’re not alone and other people have been on this journey of grief that you’re on. You need to reach out and grieving in community is a great way to find hope.”
8. You should feel guilty about moving on.
“Sometimes we hold on to the pain even longer than we need to because the pain represents that person and the loss, and we feel guilty about moving forward and moving farther away from them, even though the reality is when we’re in a positive space,” Horsely said.
But in reality, moving past grief can be an enlightening experience all its own.
“When you experience a loss like this, you get to see a really wild new amount of life,” NPR producer Rachel Ward wrote in a Medium blog post about her experience losing her husband. “Suddenly the range of the type of sad you can feel, to the type of happy you can feel, is busted open. The spectrum from happy to sad isn’t a foot wide anymore ?—? it’s as far as your arms can stretch and then to the edges of the room and then up the block and over into the next neighborhood.”
Ultimately, Ward noted, grief — and life more generally — is not about seeking or even achieving constant contentment. Rather, she wrote, she found that accepting the feeling of “being uncomfortable is a very effective way to be a human.”
While the end of life experience is universal, the behaviors associated with expressing grief are very much culturally bound. Death and grief being normal life events, all cultures have developed ways to cope with death in a respectful manner, and interfering with these practices can disrupt people’s ability to cope during the grieving process. While health care providers cannot be expected to know the mourning ceremonies and traditions of each family’s culture, understanding some basics about how different cultures may prepare for and respond to death is important. Though difficult to ask, there are crucial questions that need to be part of conversations between doctors and nurses and families. For example:
What are the cultural rituals for coping with dying, the deceased person’s body, the final arrangements for the body and honoring the death?
What are the family’s beliefs about what happens after death?
What does the family consider to be the roles of each family member in handling the death?
Who should the doctor talk to about test results or diagnosis?
Are certain types of death less acceptable (for example, suicide) or are certain types of death especially hard to handle for that culture (for example, the death of a child – this example may seem too obvious, but in countries with high infant mortality, there are indeed different attitudes about the loss of children.)3
This list of questions is so important because patients and families should be viewed as a source of knowledge about their special/cultural needs and norms – but health care professionals sometimes are at a loss about what to ask under such trying circumstances. There is perhaps no area where reliance on cultural reference books is less useful. The degree of acculturation is absolutely paramount in determining the beliefs and traditions a family will follow when coping with impending death, post-death arrangements and mourning. While we can find many similarities across cultures, such as wearing black as a sign of mourning, there are always exceptions. In China, for example, white is the color of death and mourning. Part of why the degree of acculturation is highly significant is that blending belief systems becomes more pronounced in highly acculturated persons. There are places in the world where accommodation is made for multiple faiths. For example, in Nigeria there is a triple heritage of Christianity, Islam, and ancestor worship2. Similar blending can be found in Caribbean nations and Mexico where Catholicism can be mixed with indigenous folk beliefs like Voodoo and Curanderismo. Another layer of expectation comes with living in the United States culture and relying on the Western medical culture. The mix of cultural/religious attitudes and behaviors surrounding death and dying can become very complex indeed. And when a death actually occurs, some individuals suddenly choose to break with tradition entirely, often creating chaos within families.
Burial ceremony of late Hassan Fanstastic at Baqdaad Village, outskirts of Mogadishu. Hassan was the Director of local Radio and Television Shabelle. He became the Shabelle Director killed since 2007. He was Murdered on Saturday 28 January, 2012 near his home in Wadajir district.
What follows in this article are some important points of consideration, but the list is introductory in nature at best. There is a strong focus on religions because religion can be thought of as a cultural system of meaning that helps to solve problems of uncertainty, powerlessness, and scarcity that death creates. In placing death within a religious perspective, bereaved persons find meaning for an event that for many is inexplicable.1 (Each underlined heading is a link to further resources for readers.)
Monotheistic Religions: Especially since the events of 911 changed many people’s views of Muslims, it is important to be aware that Christians and Muslims both believe death is a transition to a more glorious place and both believe in the sovereignty of a God (Allah) in matters of loss and take consolation in phrases such as “Allah giveth and Allah taketh away.” Both are also faiths springing from a single scripture, founder or sacred place. Readings from the Koran or Bible are important parts of the recognizing the departure of a loved one from this life. Similarly, in the Jewish faith, there is the expression mourners recite a few minutes before a funeral begins: “The Lord has given and the Lord has taken, blessed be the name of the Lord.” Both Muslims and Christians believe in the afterlife and view worldly life much in terms of preparing for eternal life. In the Jewish tradition, the focus is on the purpose of earthly life, which is to fulfill one’s duties to god and one’s fellow man. Succeeding at this brings reward, failing at it brings punishment.
The traditions around death and dying differ greatly across all three major monotheistic religious systems (as well as within different branches of each faith, i.e. Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormonism in Christianity). They are highly nuanced and very hard for outsiders to understand thoroughly. Key rituals and practices that differ widely between religions include the preparation of the deceased person’s body, the permissibility of organ donation, and the choosing of cremation vs. burial.
Ancestor Worship: The premise of ancestor worship is based on understanding that the course of life is cyclical not linear. Those who are dead may not be seen physically, but are alive in a different world and/or can reincarnate in new births. Ancestor worship in various forms can be found in many parts of the world and is very strong in parts of Africa and Asia. Many Native Americans and Buddhists alike believe that the living co-exist with the dead. A central theme in all ancestor worship is that the lives of the dead may have supernatural powers over those in the living world – the ability to bless, curse, give or take life. In some cultures, worship of the dead is important, and includes making offerings of food, money, clothing, and blessings. In China there is the annual observance of “sweeping the graves” and as its name denotes, it is a time for people to tend the graves of the departed ones. In Mexico, there is The Day of the Dead (Dia de los Muertos), a holiday that focuses on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember those who have died. The Day of the Dead is also celebrated by many Latin Americans living in the U.S. and Canada. The intent of the celebration is to encourage visits by the souls of the departed so that those souls will hear the prayers and the comments of the living directed at them. It makes sense that in cultures where ancestor worship is common, the acceptance of organ donation and cremation may be low.
budhist monk mummy
Buddhism and Hinduism: Hinduism does not have roots springing from a single scripture, founder or sacred place. It is more like an umbrella term describing a set of philosophies and ways of life. Buddhism has a single founder, but the Buddha is not prayed to in the same sense as a God or Allah. Buddhism is also a set of philosophies for living. There are marked differences between the two, or course, but in both death is not seen as the end of life; it is merely the end of the body we inhabit in this life. The spirit remains and will seek attachment to a new body and a new “life” – in Buddhism it is called a “kulpa,” which is a unit of time. Where a given person will be born again is a result of the past and the accumulation of positive and negative action, and the result of karma. Followers of both traditions keep in mind the impermanence of life. The transition of a soul to a new life is very important so both traditions observe specific rituals at the time of dying and the handling of the body. The corpse of a Buddhist should not be touched for 3-8 hours after breathing ceases as the spirit lingers on for some time. Hindus believe the body of the dead must be bathed, massaged in oils, dressed in new clothes, and then cremated before the next sunrise. It follows that cremation would be acceptable in a faith where the soul will be released to find another body to inhabit.
Truth-telling to Patients: In collectivist cultures, the good of the individual is often so enmeshed with the good of the family or in-group that family members may have a greater say in health care decisions than the patient does in some circumstances. In many countries, family members may become very upset if a physician reveals bad news directly to the patient. Families and patients may place great value on the right NOT to know! This is completely at odds with the standards set forth in the Patient Self Determination Act http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patient_Self-Determination_Act which secures certain rights legally for all patients in the U.S. The health care system needs to be flexible enough to accommodate communication patterns that look different from those within the informed-consent tradition which insists doctors and nurses tell patients everything. So, a key question in cross-cultural health care situations would be: Who do you want me to talk to about test results or diagnosis?
Expressions of Grief: In some cultures, showing grief, including wailing, is expected of mourners because the more torment displayed and the more people crying, the more the person was loved. In other cultures, restraint is expected. Rules in Egypt and Bali, both Islamic countries, are opposite; in Bali women may be strongly discouraged from crying, while in Egypt women are considered abnormal if they don’t nearly incapacitate themselves with demonstrative weeping. In Japan, it is extremely important not to show one’s grief for a number of reasons. Death should be seen as a time of liberation and not sorrow, and one should bear up under misfortune with strength and acceptance. One never does anything to make someone else uncomfortable. In Latino cultures, it may be appropriate for women to wail, but men are not expected to show overt emotion due to “machismo.” In China, hiring professional wailers may be customary in funerals, which may sound odd, but this was also a common practice in Victorian England.
Conclusion: For health care professionals, providing culturally sensitive bereavement/end of life care is understandably an issue of discomfort. Language and cultural barriers obviously compound the challenges of being professionally appropriate and compassionate. Patients and families may be in need of compassion, advice, and guidance from doctors and nurses, but often the realities of a given situation include a press for time and both physical and emotional exhaustion among providers and families. It happens – sometimes we simply fail, in the moment, to express sufficient sensitivity and warmth when critical decisions must be made. The clinical facts are immediate and demand logical linear thinking which is natural for those trained in the Western medical tradition. For many cultures, such a direct approach may seem harsh, and decisions about something like organ donation might be experienced as inhumane immediately upon death. The questions suggested in this article can be used to ease some of the communication challenges and facilitate more openness between health care professionals and families around death and dying. Of course they should be tailored to the context of a given situation.
Over the past year, I’ve experienced several losses that, at the request of the deceased, did not include funerals. Grief rituals are central to my mourning process, but there’s no negotiating with the dead. In the absence of the most standard of ceremonies, how do you give expression to your grief while respecting someone’s final wish for “no funeral, please?” Through personal experience, and conversations with friends and readers who’ve faced the same scenario, here are seven ways to do just that.
Write and place an obituary in their local paper.
My 93-year-old grandmother died in May, and had insisted she didn’t want a funeral. My grandfather had planned to write the obituary, but amid his grief, the project was understandably pushed aside. Yet the idea of my much-beloved grandmother’s life and death going unrecognized publicly was an uncomfortable one.So I contacted surviving relatives to get the details of Gram’s early life, and placed obituaries in the papers of her East Coast childhood and West Coast adulthood. Plotting her life achievements through words provided a way to process my grief. Seeing her name, picture and story in print granted me a sense that she isn’t forgotten.
Take up one of their skills or hobbies.
Was she a yoga aficionado or competitive knitter? Was he a golfer? Engage in an activity that reminds you of the deceased and try to discover what they loved so much about it.
Assemble an homage to the deceased in your home.
Bring out your memories of him or her — photos, postcards, ticket stubs, keepsakes — and display them with a memorial candle in your home. When the person crosses your mind, light the candle and say a few words. Rinse and repeat as needed.
Post a personal tribute with photos on Facebook and/or your blog.
What would you have said at their funeral? Which story or picture would you have shared with other mourners? Craft your tribute and tell it to Facebook or your blog followers.
Donate to their favorite cause.
I was crushed last September to hear that a former L.A. colleague and brilliant writer had died of cancer. She’d quietly quit her job, told no one that the disease she’d beat years ago had returned, and entered a nursing home. The news that she’d donated her body to science and didn’t want a memorial was a one-two punch. For weeks, I struggled with how to honor this woman who’d been a generous mentor early in my career. Since she was a self-proclaimed “cat lady,” I made a donation in her name to Kitten Rescue Los Angeles. The act didn’t provide the same degree of catharsis as a funeral, but it offered a personalized way to honor her legacy.
Host a dinner or cocktail hour in their honor.
Gather would-be funeral attendees for a meal where signature drinks and dishes loved by the deceased are served. To encourage guests to exchange favorite memories around the table, start off by sharing yours.
Plan a pilgrimage to sites charged with their memory.
After the uncle of one of my friends died suddenly, the family learned that he had not wanted a funeral. In lieu of it, they gathered in his hometown and did a walking tour that included his childhood home, the church where he was confirmed and the lake where he and his surviving sister had ice-skated. Through this expedition, the family was able to respect the uncle’s wishes while sharing the tears and memories that would accompany a formal service.
The latest video from Seattle singer-songwriter Noah Gundersen is a relentless attack on the tear ducts. If its visuals, directed gorgeously by Ryan Booth, don’t make you cry, Gundersen’s plaintive voice and aching lyrics might. This track, “Jealous Love,” is self-explanatory in the best ways a folk song can be. It’s got an immediate emotional accessibility reminiscent of The Swell Season — Gundersen’s credibility and sincerity are unshakable from the first note. And that’s just the song.
The video would seem manipulative in its use of heartbreaking imagery, if it didn’t also feel deeply true. Gundersen’s lyrics are perfectly embodied by the (remarkable) actors performing over them — the lead, Ted Johnson, plays a man who has, in the twilight of his life, lost exactly the kind of love Gundersen sings of wanting for himself. “Jealous Love” takes repeat viewings, if your heart can handle it, in order to appreciate how intricately bound Gundersen’s performance is to the actors’. Does the voice singing belong to the young version of the old man onscreen? Or is it perhaps the man’s adult son (played by Marc Menchaca), who knows what he hopes for because he’s seen it lived in front of him? It could be either, and it could be both. From any direction, this song and video are a (devastating) triumph.
After Don Jaquish’s wife, Babbette, passed away after a lengthy battle with cancer in November, Jaquish created a blooming sunflower memorial in Wisconsin — one that he says captures his partner’s personality perfectly.
“She’s always loved flowers, but sunflowers were her favorite,” Jacquish toldABC 13 News Now. “They fit her personality. She’d walk into a room and her smile would light up the whole room.”
Four years ago, at Babbette’s request, the Jaquishes started growing a field of sunflowers on their farm, planning to sell the seeds and use the proceeds to support other cancer patients.
After Babbette passed away, Don continued the project, eventually planting more than four miles of sunflowers that now stretch across multiple fields and farms — many of which Jaquish was granted access to by generous neighbors.
Jaquish has also founded Babbette’s Seeds of Hope, a new division of his farming operation dedicated to carrying on Babbette’s legacy. Seeds from his sunflowers will be packaged as bird seed and sold in packets with Babette’s smiling face on the front.
“She was a pretty modest person and I’m not so sure she’d want her picture on the bag,” Jaquish told ABC. “But she’s such a beautiful woman. She didn’t really know how beautiful she was, inside and out.”
Four months after his wife’s death, Jaquish discovered a note she’d left him. “You move on and live each day,” it reads. “Feel me in the morning air, and when you wake up and make your coffee. I will be there always.”
Over the past year, I’ve experienced several losses that, at the request of the deceased, did not include funerals. Grief rituals are central to my mourning process, but there’s no negotiating with the dead. In the absence of the most standard of ceremonies, how do you give expression to your grief while respecting someone’s final wish for “no funeral, please?” Through personal experience, and conversations with friends and readers who’ve faced the same scenario, here are seven ways to do just that.
