— But the truth can set you free
When my husband died I questioned my purpose in life. But my faith offered me tools to help navigate the worst days
By Sharon Hollis
When a loved family member dies unexpectedly we experience immense grief and sadness. It can cause us to ask questions about our meaning and purpose in life. This is even more so when the death is sudden or traumatic.
I found myself asking these questions when my husband Michael died suddenly by suicide 10 years ago. As a minister in the Uniting church, I turned to my faith to give me some guidance. What I discovered was that Christianity offered many tools to help me navigate the worst days of grief (along with good counselling and fabulous friends). And they can be used by anyone, regardless of faith.
Be compassionate
For much of the history of the Christian church, suicide has been considered a sin so grievous that a Christian funeral couldn’t be offered and a burial couldn’t take place in church graveyards. This represented a failure to understand mental illness as an illness that deserves our compassion in the same way any other illness does. There is no love in the historic position of the church. It is not a “love that bears all things”, including death by suicide.
Michael battled deep depression, spent time in a psychiatric ward and clung to life for as long as he could. I choose to continue to love Michael, notwithstanding what he did. One of the things my counsellor said many times was that none of us wants to be judged by our worst moment. I choose not to judge Michael by his worst decision, as I believe God chooses not to judge us by our worst moments.
Choose love
I loved Michael in life, and my love for him endures. Love is never wasted, it bears all things; even a terrible death and deep grief. Not everyone understood my capacity to keep loving Michael. Yes, I’ve had times when I’ve been furious with him. I’ve been sad for him and what he is missing, and so sad for the loss of his presence in my life and the life our daughters. But I continue to love him. I know not everyone can do this but I find strength in the enduring nature of our love. It is one of the ways Michael continues to be present in our lives, even in his absence.
The Christian story is not one of a God who doesn’t know or experience suffering. I take great comfort from this. Some time after Michael died, I wondered: where was God when Michael made his decision to die? Where was God when Michael died? An image came to me of Jesus holding Michael in that moment, catching him and holding him.
Speak the truth
One of the things I was most clear about almost as soon as I knew Michael had died was that I would be honest about how he died. I never wanted to feel ashamed of him. I never wanted to feel ashamed of our relationship. I never wanted my children to feel they couldn’t talk about their father or feel ashamed of him. I didn’t want to use what precious energy I had in the depth of my grief worrying about who knew what.
I told the truth about his death to our daughters, to our family and friends. We told the truth at his funeral. I have continued to tell the truth. Speaking the truth of Michael’s death has been a gift in so many ways. I have had wonderful conversations with people who have found it hard to speak about mental illness or the death by suicide of a family member or friend. Jesus said the truth will set you free and I have found this to be so.
The Christian story teaches us that death does not have the last word, and that we can find new life and new hope even where there has been great sadness. I have found it to be true. In the wake of Michael’s death I have found the courage to live again; to notice joy, small moments at first, now days, weeks months of joy; a new life of love and family and friends. This has brought me back to a fullness of life.
If you have lost someone close to you, particularly by suicide, I hope these tools can help you navigate the next stage of your life, and bring you back to a fullness of life.
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