By Julia Presenza
Growing around your grief.
In your twenties, you’ll find some of your closest friends nursing hangovers from overindulging in vodka Red Bulls, overanalysing text messages and hoping no one saw them doing the walk of shame. On the other end, others are getting married to the loves of their lives, buying houses and having babies. We’ve all had these conversations before – everyone around you seems to be in different stages of life and needless to say, everyone is doing their best.
Still, there’s no how-to guide on ensuring you’re doing it all correctly. It goes without saying there’s no handbook outlining what to do when something major comes around and blows up your life as you know it, especially when it’s a life event you weren’t even considering could happen this early on.
Deep down in the back of our minds, we know eventually, one day in the far future, we will all have to deal with the loss of someone close in our lives. Call me naive, but dealing with grief wasn’t something I thought I’d have to add to the list of worries in my twenties. It seems almost unfair to be entering a point in life where I’m still trying to perfect the schedule of which night I should wash my hair and fake tan, to be then hit with the Earth-shattering experience of dealing with death.
Over recent years, I’ve had personal experiences navigating grief, from losing my dad to losing close friends of family members. As many self-help books will mention, the grieving process will be different for everyone. It’s one thing to try and navigate your own grief, and another trying to be the support person for someone else.
I experienced constant guilt of feeling someone else’s pain but never knowing what it actually felt like for them. I have three sisters, along with my mum, and while we all were experiencing my dad’s loss together, it was very apparent we had different ways of dealing with grief. With many questions circling in my head, I spoke to Carly Dober, psychologist and Headspace App’s Mental Health Expert, to get clarity.
How to navigate losing someone close to you while also being the support person for someone else
Carly acknowledges this can be incredibly difficult to navigate but states it’s important to honour and give your feelings of grief and loss enough time and attention. Often, people will jump into caretaker mode as a distraction from their pain but this can prolong the process of grieving for ourselves. Grieving is a shared effort. She mentions we can often find solace in others who are in pain, too. It’s important to be there to support your loved ones through this difficult time but also lean on your friends and networks so you’re also cared for and fully supported.
How to be supportive when multiple people are grieving the same person differently
Carly says this is very common, “We each have unique relationships with people, so how we will experience their loss is also unique. I’d recommend showing your support but also not lying”. Saying things like, ‘I know you had a very close relationship with them and I’m so sad that this is happening to you’, ‘How can I best help you through this?’ and ‘What do you need from me right now?’ are ways of showing your love for the person grieving while also honouring your relationship with the deceased.
How do you cope with the loss of different people within a short time?
Unfortunately, life isn’t fair. Carly recommends seeking support from a mental health professional early. Losing people is difficult enough, and the chronic stress of losing multiple people in a short time frame can be very destabilising. It’s encouraged to avoid any tempting but ultimately unhelpful coping strategies (such as self-medicating with drugs and alcohol) with helpful ones (such as routines, movement and rest).
Lean on close relationships, be social in whatever capacity you can and engage with pets and nature. Carly suggests clearly expressing your needs to others is also helpful in coping with the loss of multiple people.
What should you do about feeling guilty about moving on and not wanting to be sad anymore?’
Carly points out grieving can make us feel like life will never be the same again. Accepting that life goes on despite the difficulties can be the most challenging truth. Carly’s words were reassuring as she clarified that moving on from losing a loved one doesn’t mean we loved them or are hurting any less. It simply means we’re adapting to life without them and growing around our grief. Grief is a natural part of life; many of us experience it from a young age, while others learn this lesson later in life.
Just like the journey of navigating your twenties, there’s no correct or incorrect way to grieve. It’s crucial to express your emotions with those close to you and give yourself time and understanding to ease you through the difficult moments in life. It’ll make the grieving process a little less painful.
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