Why Humans Care for the Bodies of the Dead

By Julie Beck

Why Humans Care for the Bodies of the Dead

In tracing the history and culture of corpses, a new book shows the importance of remembrance to our species.

The ancient Greek Cynic philosopher Diogenes was extreme in a lot of ways. He deliberately lived on the street, and, in accordance with his teachings that people should not be embarrassed to do private things in public, was said to defecate and masturbate openly in front of others. Plato called him “a Socrates gone mad.” Shocking right to the end, he told his friends that when he died, he didn’t want to be buried. He wanted them to throw his body over the city wall, where it could be devoured by animals.“What harm then can the mangling of wild beasts do me if I am without consciousness?” he asked.What is a dead body but an empty shell?, he’s asking. What does it matter what happens to it? These are also the questions that the University of California, Berkeley, history professor Thomas Laqueur asks in his new book The Work of the Dead: A Cultural History of Mortal Remains.“Diogenes was right,” he writes, “but also existentially wrong.”

This is the tension surrounding how humans treat dead bodies. What makes a person a person is gone from their bodies upon death, and there’s really no logical reason why we should care for the empty container—why we should embalm it, dress it up, and put it on display, or why we should collect its burnt remnants in an urn and place it on the mantle.

Humanity’s answer to Diogenes, Laqueur writes, has largely been “Yes, but…” People have cared for the bodies of their dead since at least 10,000 B.C., Laqueur writes, and so the reason for continuing to do so is a tautology: “We live with the dead because we, as a species, live with the dead.” And the fact that we do so, he argues, is one of the things that brings us as a species from nature into culture. (The taboo against incest is another example.)Despite the rationality of Diogenes’s logic, it’s unthinkable that we would just throw the corpses of our loved ones over a wall and leave them to the elements. Dead bodies matter because humans have decided that they matter, and they’ve continued to matter over time even as the ways people care for bodies have changed.

Laqueur’s book makes this argument with a dense, detailed sketch of a relatively small slice of time and space: Western Europe from the 18th to 20th centuries. The story begins with churchyards, which “held a near monopoly on burial throughout Christendom … for more than a thousand years, from the Middle Ages to the early 19th century and beyond in some places.” People would be buried (and generally had a legal right to be buried) in the yard of the church of the parish where they lived (or in the church itself if they were wealthy or clergy). This was a messy business. The yards were constantly being churned up as new bodies were buried, and they got lumpy. There weren’t many grave markers, and if there were, they were likely to read “here lies the body,” not a particularly personal epitaph.

“The churchyard was and looked to be a place for remembering a bounded community of the dead who belonged there,” Laquer writes, “rather than a place for individual commemoration and mourning.”Though bodies were jumbled together in churchyards in a way that it made it almost impossible to find any one individual, there was some method to their arrangement: They were buried very deliberately along an east-west axis to line up with Jerusalem to the east, the direction from which the resurrection was expected to come. John Calvin, the Protestant theologian, thought the very act of burial showed faith in a corporeal resurrection.

In the early 19th century, the dominance of churchyards began to wane, for a number of reasons. They were crowded, for one. Rotting bodies piled up in churchyards and church vaults also produced the kind of odor you might expect, and activists began to argue that they were unsanitary. But Laqueur points out that churchyards had always been crowded and smelly, and “for centuries the smell … was tolerable.” The rise of cemeteries as an alternative to churchyards, Laqueur writes, was really part of a massive cultural shift, one that owed a lot to the industrial revolution and the Protestant reformation.

During and after industrial revolution, unpleasant things of all kinds were being removed from people’s sight. Butchers and slaughterhouses delivered meat while keeping the blood behind the curtain; London constructed a massive sewer system, getting people’s waste off the streets and out of the River Thames. With this as the backdrop, it stands to reason that people might want the dead bodies out of their cities as well—while they didn’t pose a real public-health threat, people successfully argued that they did, and that was enough.

The first great cemetery of the West was Père-Lachaise in Paris, built by Napoleon, and it inspired the building of others in Copenhagen, Glasgow, and Boston, among other cities. Unlike churchyards, these cemeteries were stand-alone places for the dead, open to the public and largely separated from the crowded areas of cities.They were also disassociated from religion. “To some degree this is about the rise of negative liberty: the right to a grave in a neutral civic space irrespective of one’s beliefs or lack of beliefs, and the right to a choice in rituals of burial,” Laqueur writes. The waning dominance of the Catholic Church had a lot to do with that. Burying bodies right by the church would remind people on their way in to pray for the dead as a way of helping those souls stuck in purgatory. But many Protestant reformers rejected the idea of purgatory, and argued that the dead did not need the prayers of the living.

The focus of cemeteries was not, as it had been in churchyards, on a community of faithful dead, but on remembering the individual. It allowed for families to be buried together, which hadn’t really been possible in the tangle of the churchyard.

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“It was a place of sentiment loosely connected, at best, with Christian piety and intimately bound up with the emotional economics of family,” Laqueur writes. “In it, a newly configured idolatry of the dead served the interests less of the old God of religion than of the new gods of memory and history: secular gods.” Cemeteries allowed for gravestones, monuments, epitaphs, the carving of names in stone. This provides a little insurance against the fear of death—that one’s name, at least, will outlast them. Carving in stone is a powerful metaphor for permanence, even if it’s just wishful thinking.

The advent of cremation as a popular practice took some of this enchantment away from the dead body. But while in some ways people who opted for cremation were finally recognizing the body as a shell, just like Diogenes said, deference towards bodies was often just replaced by deference to its ashes. Ashes are scattered, interred, and revered in many ways, just as bodies are. And cremation has obviously not completely replaced burial by any stretch.If care for the dead is one of the quintessential things about being human, fear of death is another. Being the only animal with constant awareness of its own mortality has significant effects on how humans behave. Often, according to terror-management theory, the thought of death will lead people to seek out and to value more highly things that they think will bring them immortality, in the metaphoric sense. Living on in the memories of others would do the trick, even though we must on some level know is only a reprieve against eventually being forgotten.On this matter, Laqueur turns to the 17th-century poet John Weever:

Every man, Weever writes, “desires a perpetuity after his death.” Without this idea “man could never have awakened in him the desire to live in the remembrance of his fellows.” And without it, human life in the shadow of death would be unbearable and unrecognizable: “the social affections could not have unfolded themselves un-countenanced by the faith that Man is an immortal being.” Our love for one another differs from the love animals might feel for one another in that an animal perishes in the field without “anticipating the sorrow with which is associates will bemoan his death,” whereas we “wish to be remembered by our friends.” Naming the dead, like care for their bodies, is seen as a way to keep them among the living. And maybe it is a way around Diogenes.

So yes, Diogenes, the body is technically nothing once void of its soul, or consciousness, or however one conceives of the essence of a person. We get it. But it’s a physical emblem of that person, and in caring for it, we offer the person’s memory a chance to linger, as we hope our own will.

Even if physical death is quick and final, social death takes time. And through communal effort, people offer each other the chance for their names to last a little longer on Earth than their bodies do. “There is also another way to construe the dead,” Laqueur writes: “As social beings, as creatures who need to be eased out of this world and settled safely into the next and into memory.”

Complete Article HERE!

Death Is Way More Complicated When You’re Polyamorous

By Simon Davis

death become her
Screencap via ‘Death Becomes Her’

In February, Robert McGarey’s partner of 24 years died. It was the most devastating loss McGarey had ever encountered, and yet, there was a silver lining: “I had this profound sadness, but I don’t feel lonely,” McGarey told me. “I’m not without support, I’m not without companionship.”

That’s because he has other partners: Jane, who he’s been with for 16 years, and Mary, who he’s been with for eight. (Those are not their real names.) And while his grief for Pam, the girlfriend who died, was still immense, polyamory helped him deal with it.

There’s not a lot of research into how poly families cope with death—probably because there’s not a lot of research about how poly families choose to live. By rough estimates, there are several million poly people in the United States. And while polyamory can bring people tremendous benefits in life and in death, our social and legal systems weren’t designed to deal with people with more than one romantic partner—so when one person dies, it can usher in a slew of complicating legal and emotional problems.

“Whether people realize it or not, the partner to whom they are married will have more benefits and rights once a death happens,” explained Diana Adams, who runs a boutique law firm that practices “traditional and non-traditional family law with support for positive beginnings and endings of family relationships.”

Since married partners rights’ trump everyone else’s, the non-married partners don’t automatically have a say in end-of-life decisions, funeral arrangements, or inheritance. That’s true for non-married monogamous relationships, too, but the problem can be exacerbated in polyamorous relationships where partners are not disclosed or acknowledged by family members. In her work, Adams has seen poly partners get muscled out of hospital visits and hospice by family members who refused to recognize a poly partner as a legitimate partner.

McGarey and his girlfriend Pam weren’t married, so the decision to take her off life support had to go through Pam’s two sisters. The money Pam left behind—which McGarey would’ve inherited had they been married—went to her sisters too, who also organized Pam’s funeral.

This kind of power struggle can also happen among multiple partners who have all been romantically involved with the deceased. The only real way to ensure that everything is doled out evenly is to draft up a detailed prenuptial agreement and estate plan. Adams works with clients to employ “creative estate planning” to ensure that other partners are each acknowledged and taken care of.

Adams is a big proponent of structured mediation as a way of minimizing post-mortem surprises, like when families discover the existence of mysterious extra-marital partners in someone’s will. It’s much better to have those conversations in life than on someone’s deathbed, or after death.

But many poly people remain closeted in life and in death, according to sociologist Elisabeth Sheff, who has studied polyamorous families for 15 years and authored The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families. A person might have a public primary partner—someone they’re married to, for example—plus other private relationships. That can make it harder to grieve when one of the non-primary partners dies, because others don’t recognize the relationship as “real” or legitimate in the way the death of a spouse might be.

Take, for example, something like an employee bereavement policy. Guidelines from the Society for Human Resource Management spell out the length of time off given in the event of the death of a loved one: a spouse, a parent, a child, a sibling, in-laws, aunts, uncles, grandparents. Unsurprisingly, extra-marital boyfriend or girlfriend is not on the list. (Actually, “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” aren’t on the list at all.) It’s possible for an employee to explain unique circumstances to an employer, but in her research, Sheff has found that some poly people prefer not to “out” themselves this way. People still disapprove of extra-marital affairs and some poly people, according to Sheff, have even lost their jobs from being outed, due to corporate “morality clauses.”

It’s similar, she says, to the experiences of same-sex couples who are closeted. “It’s much less so now because they’re more acknowledged and recognized, but 20 years ago, it was routine for [the family of the deceased] to muscle out the partner and ignore their wishes—even if [the deceased] hadn’t seen their family for years and years,” Sheff said. “They would come and descend on the funeral and take over. Or when the person was in the ICU. That same vulnerability that gays and lesbians have moved away from to some extent is still potentially very problematic for polyamorous people.”

Legal recognition of polyamorous unions could provide some relief. After the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act in 2013 and legalized same-sex marriage in 2015, calls for legalizing plural marriage have only become louder. Adams noted that an argument put forth in Chief Justice John Roberts’s 2015 dissent may provide a legal foothold for legalization advocates. “As Roberts points out, if there’s going to be a rejection of some of the traditional man-woman elements of marriage… those same arguments could easily be applied to three or four-person unions,” she said in an interview with US News & World Report earlier this year.

In 2006, Melissa Hall’s husband Paul died at the age of 52. Both were polyamorous, but Paul’s death presented “no special problems,” since they were legally married and Hall had all the rights of a spouse. Instead, she found unexpected benefits in dealing with her husband’s death: In particular, she told me that “being poly made it easier to love again.” Since they had both dated other people during their life together, Hall knew her husband’s death wouldn’t stop her from dating again.

In traditional relationships, it’s not uncommon for people to impose dating restrictions on themselves to honor the desires of their dead spouses, or to feel guilty when they start dating again. Of course, you don’t win if you don’t date either, as people eventually get on your case to “move on with your life.” All this goes out the window when you’re polyamorous, where dating doesn’t necessarily signal the end of an arbitrary acceptable period of mourning.

More partners in a relationship can certainly mean more support. It can also mean more people dying, and with that comes more grief. In an article about loss among polys published in the polyamory magazine Loving More, one man wrote: “Those of us who have practiced polyamory through our lifetime must be grateful for the abundance of love in our lives. But having those wonderful other loves means we must accept a little more grieving as well, when our times come.”

Is the trade off worth it? McGarey certainly seems to think so. “There is more grieving, but… we are held and cradled in the love of other people at the same time.”

He compares his relationship to the Disney movie Up, which starts with a guy falling in love and marrying his childhood sweetheart. “And then [she] dies, and he turns into this grumpy old man because he lost his love,” McGarey said. “I don’t see myself turning into a grumpy old man. I don’t know if I can attribute that to poly, but maybe that’s why.”

 Complete Article HERE!

Dogs now have bucket lists too

Charleston
Sarah Westcott and her boyfriend Vincent Bova trucked in 600 pounds of crushed ice so that Charleston could have one last snow day.

Last July, the doctor delivered news no pet owner ever wants to hear. Seven-year-old Tank’s cancer had spread. He likely had just two months to live.

So Diane Cosgrove, 37, set out to give her beloved Rottweiler as many memorable experiences as she could, making a bucket list that included going to a baseball game, getting Shake Shack treats and a pet-store shopping spree.

“I did everything to make his last month and a half special,” says Cosgrove, who lives in Pompton Plains, NJ.

The 2007 Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman movie “The Bucket List” brought the notion of a “things to do before you die” checklist into the mainstream, but the concept is no longer just for baby boomers. It’s also for pooches and pet owners, who are granting Fido’s every woof in his final days. A mutt’s dying wishes are even the plot of a current Subaru commercial.

“We’re afraid of death. The bucket list is just a way . . . of managing,” says Dr. Stephanie LaFarge, senior director of counseling services at the ASPCA. “Now that pets are part of the family, it’s natural that we extend this practice to them.”

When Lauren Fern Watt, 26, learned her 6-year-old English mastiff Gizelle had bone cancer last year, making an ambitious bucket list for the dog helped her to process her illness. The dog’s final adventures included canoeing, road trips and dockside ice-cream eating.

“It seemed like a good way to celebrate my dog’s life, rather than cry over it,” she says.

Gizelle
Lauren Fern Watt took Gizelle boating after her dog was diagnosed with cancer.

Last January, after Gizelle passed away, Watt, a freelance travel writer who lives in the East Village, put together a photo essay for Yahoo about the dog’s bucket list. It was so popular, it resulted in a book deal. “Gizelle’s Bucket List” is due out next fall from Simon & Schuster.

Sarah Westcott, a Brooklyn dog trainer, practically moved the sun and the stars when Charleston, her 5-year-old Labrador, was diagnosed with inoperable fibrosarcoma in the summer of 2008.

She and her boyfriend trucked in 600 pounds of crushed ice and dumped it on her grandmother’s lawn in Bensonhurst to give the snow-loving dog a final romp in fresh powder. Mini pints of Guinness, unlimited cheese and one last Hamptons jaunt rounded out Charleston’s adventures before he died three weeks later.

“It was good to know that I had done everything I could have for him,” says Westcott.

Vets say that bucket lists are fine, so long as the dying dog’s best interests are kept in mind.

“It should be something that the pet, not the human, is going to enjoy,” says Sonja Olson, a veterinarian with BluePearl Veterinary Partners. “Stressing an animal out can stress their immune system further. Talk about it with your veterinarian. It might need to be dialed back.”

In the end, Cosgrove had to modify Tank’s bucket list. Three items — going to the beach, riding in a convertible and eating at a restaurant — remained when he was euthanized in August.

But he did make it to a New Jersey Jackals baseball game.

“He wasn’t feeling that great,” remembers Cosgrove, “but for the couple hours he was there, he was really perky and alert and enjoyed being outside.”

Complete Article HERE!

Crowdfunding Funeral Costs for a Loved One

Friends and relatives now join online campaigns to cover expenses

Funeral Costs

By Jodi Helmer

When someone dies, it’s common to send flowers or make a charitable donation in his or her honor. But a growing number of mourners are turning tocrowdfunding sites specially designed to help cover the deceased’s funeral expenses.

“Most people don’t plan their funerals in advance and that leaves their loved ones figuring out how to cover the costs,” explains Michael Blasco, spokesperson for YouCaring, a two-year-old crowdfunding platform for medical and memorial fundraising.

Funerals Often Exceed $7,000

With the average funeral now topping $7,045, according to the National Funeral Directors Association, families often find that saying goodbye to their loved ones comes with a higher price tag than they anticipated. Enter crowdfunding.

Once the provenance of entrepreneurs and artists (think Kickstarter and Indiegogo), crowdfunding lately has gained traction as a means for fundraising for a range of causes, including funeral expenses. Organizers post their campaigns online and seek funding from backers to meet their goals. The average campaign lasts between 30 and 60 days and the money raised is transferred to organizers via PayPal or WePay accounts.

Funeral campaigns can be set up through traditional crowdfunding sites such asYouCaring, Indiegogo, GoFundMe and GiveForward. But in the past two years, niche sites, such as Funeral Fund and Graceful Goodbye have also sprung up.

Raising $10,000 in a Funeral Crowdfunding Campaign

GoFundMe is currently hosting more than 8,000 funeral campaigns. On Indiegogo, over 50 funeral campaigns reached their fundraising goal, including a handful that raised upwards of $10,000 apiece. Funeral fundraising is the fastest-growing category on GiveForward, growing an average of seven percent per month.

“A lot of campaigns start out as medical fundraisers and then transition into funeral and memorial fundraisers [when the person dies],” explains Ariana Vargas, director of business development for GiveForward.

Joshua Starnes created a campaign on Funeral Fund after his friend, fellow film critic Eric Harrison, died of a brain aneurysm at 57 in 2012. Harrison, who was single and childless, didn’t have life insurance and there were no proceeds from his estate to cover funeral expenses. His young nieces were left to come up with the funds for his burial.

“Putting together even a modest funeral would have been impossible for them and [his colleagues] didn’t have enough cash in our group bank account to cover the cost,” says Starnes.

Crowdfunding, Starnes decided, was the best option. Thanks to the generosity of 108 backers, he collected $6,520 during the 30-day campaign — enough to cover the cost of the funeral.

A Kind and Innovative Technique

Crowdfunding consultant Rose Spinelli isn’t surprised that mourners are using this innovative technique to subsidize funeral expenses.

“In the most basic terms, crowdfunding is a community-building mechanism that brings people together around a cause,” says Spinelli, founder of The CrowdFundamentals site. “It can be a wonderful, warm feeling to know that people care and are sharing in the grief.”

But shared grief might not be enough to turn mourners into donors and crowdfunding efforts for older adults can be especially challenging. Many people in their 60s, 70s and 80s believe their cohorts should be prepared for their passing, with savings or prepaid funeral arrangements.

“People are willing to come forward with support when something unexpected happens,” Spinelli says. “When an older person dies, it doesn’t trigger the same reaction.”

Some Donors Get Thank-You Gifts

To boost response rates and honor backers who help with funeral costs, some crowdfunding organizers offer small tokens of appreciation. One Indiegogo campaign offered a handmade remembrance bracelet in exchange for a $25 contribution; another promised backers who pledged $50 that they’d receive a hug.

Blasco encourages posting photographs and favorite anecdotes about the deceased on the campaign page to increase the odds of crowdfunding success. “People respond to stories,” explains Blasco.

But even the most compelling stories are not apt to attract the attention of generous strangers, however. Instead, most contributions will come from relatives and friends.

For example, most who contributed to Starnes’ crowdfunding campaign for Harrison were relatives, former colleagues and patrons of the arts who appreciated the critic’s work. “The funds came from people he had an effect on in his life,” says Starnes.

What a Crowdfunding Campaign Costs

A crowdfunding campaign can also turn into an online memorial, a place for loved ones to share special memories and connect with others in a shared grief.

“The original intent and purpose [of a funeral crowdfunding campaign] is to raise money but, in a dark time, it’s also a place to celebrate a loved one’s life,” says Vargas. “It brings people together from all over the country who can’t make it to the funeral but want to say goodbye.”

In a time of grief, some mourners might not read the fine print in a crowdfunding campaign for a funeral. Fees vary, but crowdfunding sites typically keep three to 10 percent of the money raised.

And if you plan to launch a crowdfunding effort for a funeral or will donate to one, be sure you’re aware of the tax rules.

Quin Christian, an accountant with CrowdfundCPA, says crowdfunding contributions to help cover funeral expenses are likely to be considered gifts and shouldn’t be taxable to organizers.

Be careful, though. Christian warns that a gold-plated coffin, towering tombstone or designer burial suit — or even hosting multiple funeral-related crowdfunding campaigns in a short period of time — could raise IRS red flags.

Donors can’t write off what they give to a crowdfunding campaign as charitable contributions unless the beneficiary is a nonprofit.

But the benefit of using crowdfunding to cover funeral costs usually has nothing to do with the bottom line. “I’m glad we were able to help make sure he [Eric Harrison] had a proper burial,” says Starnes.

Complete Article HERE!

What You Say To Someone Who’s Grieving Vs. What They Hear

“This too shall pass.”

By 

1. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

When people say you need to move on, you can sometimes think, That’s easy for you to say. This isn’t your loss. Putting a timeline on grief is nearly impossible and unnecessary.

2. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

Someone who is grieving does not want to think about future spouses, or friends, etc., because that means thinking of a future that no longer includes their loved one.

3. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

You know in your heart there is no better place for your loved one than with you.

4. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

Losing a loved one is a HUGE part of someone’s life, and avoiding the subject will only make it worse. It’s OK to talk about it, and it’s OK to break down over it. It’s all part of the process.

5. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

Although this is meant to be comforting, every experience of loss is different, so no one truly knows how you feel.

6. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

Although we know no one would say this in a malicious way, it can come off as one of the worst things you could possibly say. While we’re glad you are appreciating your loved ones a little extra now, we just wish we still had our loved ones to appreciate.

7. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

In the aftermath of a loss, chances are we’re doing the best we can just to get out of bed most days, so hearing that we should be able to handle this with no problem will only make us feel like we’re handling it wrong.

8. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

No matter the situation surrounding a loss, knowing your loved one is no longer in pain is a very small comfort in a time of grief.

9. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

Evoking God and religion is a great comfort to many, but not all. Sometimes, even those who are deeply religious will feel anger toward God in the aftermath of a loss, and not want to hear it. NO reason is a good enough reason for your loved one to no longer be around.

10. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

If you want to help someone who is grieving, try doing something for them unprompted — like bringing over food, picking up their home, or taking their dog for a walk. It will mean a great deal.

11. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

Chances are, if you’ve lost a loved one, you’re already feeling guilt in some form. Letting someone know that their loved one wouldn’t want them to feel exactly what they are feeling could only make it worse.

12. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

Loss is a part of life, but not all losses are part of all lives. If you’ve lost a child, for example, hearing that what you’re experiencing is a “part of life” is especially upsetting.

13. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

Allowing yourself to feel emotion is strong.

14. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

Being told that you won’t always hurt so much for your loved one isn’t necessarily a comfort. You don’t want to hear you will move past them, even if you will.

15. What they say:

What they say:

What you hear:

What you hear:

You are, of course, thankful for the time you had with them, but you should be allowed to grieve for the time you’re going to miss — especially when so many others have time left with their loved ones.

Complete Article HERE!

The Biggest Mistake Pet Owners Make at the End

City dog
City dog

By 

If I had a big huge red pen and could permanently strike five words from the Standard Veterinary Dialogue, it would be this: “You’ll know when it’s time.”

Waiting for The Look

Wouldn’t that be great, if pets had a little button that popped up like a Butterball turkey when they were ready to be euthanized? It would eliminate a lot of agonizing on the part of loving pet owners who are struggling with one of the most significant decisions they will have to make in a pet’s life. But that’s rarely how it actually works.

Perhaps you’ve heard people talk about “The Look,” the appearance a pet has when he or she is ready to depart this Earth. “You’ll know it when you see it,” they say, and they are right. It’s hard to describe, that sort of intuitive emotional bond that develops between owner and pet when they are signaling that they are done. I’ve seen it and I agree, it’s hard to miss. It provides a great deal of reassurance to pet owners to know that their pet seems in agreement that it’s time for the next adventure.

The only problem is, this doesn’t always happen.

Pets have other ways of communicating with us beside a meaningful gaze that speaks to our soul; namely, their behavior. Veterinarians experienced in end-of-life care work with very specific quality of life assessments that can give more subjective endpoints than simply “a look,” which can be key when an owner is waiting for a sign that may not come and ignoring all the other cues that a pet is communicating.

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The Quality of Life Assessment

Appetite, mobility, hydration, pain, interest in their surroundings, and hygiene are all very specific categories we can assess to determine a pet’s quality of life. Think of it less as a “yes/no” switch that gets flipped and more like a spectrum as a pet approaches death. There’s a large grey zone towards the end where owners could make a good argument for or against it being “time”, and that is the agony and the burden we face as pet owners.

I like the quality of life assessment that uses multiple variables to assess a pet’s condition because all too often, people focus on one specific thing. “Radar hasn’t gotten up for a week,” an owner will say. “He cries all night, soils himself, and pants constantly, but he ate a piece of hot dog yesterday and wagged his tail once, so I don’t think it’s time yet.” In these cases, I counsel owners that we don’t need to wait until every moment of a pet’s waking hours are miserable before making the decision to euthanize.

It’s ok to go out on a bit of a high note. It is one of the blessings of euthanasia, that we can say goodbye in a controlled, peaceful environment and eliminate the pain and stress of a crisis moment at the end.

Death used to be as mysterious for me as it is for most people, but after years working with pets Death and I have become, if not friends, at least very collegial. With that under my belt, the only thing I can tell you with certainty is this: The only way you’ll know that it’s time, truly and without doubt, is when the pet actually stops breathing. Everything else is open to interpretation.

Rarely do people tell me after the fact that they let a pet go too soon. If anything, most feel they waited too long. We have a saying in our field that I repeat on a daily basis to my clients:”It’s better to be a week too early than a minute too late.”

Complete Article HERE!

I loved my son so much I planned his peaceful death, says brave mum of brain tumour boy

, SACHA LANGTON-GILKS

David Langton-Gilks died from a brain tumour in August 2012 at the age of 16 but before his death his mum Sacha planned a peaceful passing for him at home surrounded by his family

Loving: Sacha and David

Death. It’s the final taboo, isn’t it? Especially when it’s a child. We can’t – or won’t talk – about it.

Sacha Langton-Gilks, the lead champion for The Brain Tumour Charity’s HeadSmart campaign for earlier diagnosis of brain tumours in children and young people shatters that taboo.

To help other parents, she talks about how her son David, who died from a brain tumour in August 2012 at the age of 16, had a peaceful death at home surrounded by his family.

She emphasises that, just like we make birth plans, we should make death plans and how being able to die peacefully at home was her last act of love for her cherished son.

David Langton-Gilks before his death
Family: David Langton-Gilks before his death with his mum Sacha

Here Sacha tells her story:

Days before he died, the last lucid words my 16-year-old son David, or DD as we like to call him, said were: ‘I love it here.’ He was looking out his bedroom window into the treetops where, at night, owls – one of his passions – would come to call.

It was just a few days before London 2012 Paralympics and for five years, since being diagnosed with an aggressive, cancerous brain tumour at the age of 11, DD had endured everything globally available on the NHS, including 11 brain operations, years of chemotherapy, weeks of radiotherapy, blood transfusions and a stem cell transplant.

His cancer had now spread down his spine and throughout his brain, leaving him with severe dementia. Unfortunately someone’s child has to be in the 25 percent that don’t survive this type of brain tumour, a medulloblastoma .

David Langton-Gilks before his death
Smile: David Langton-Gilks before his death which left his family devastated

Three years on, I can honestly say that giving my child a ‘good’ death – without pain, calm and comfortable in his own bed, in the arms of his family with his beloved cat sitting on the bed, will be my greatest life achievement. And it gives me immense comfort in my grief.

I am speaking out to break a taboo because I remember the silence that hung over parents in the children’s cancer ward when a family ‘went home.’

 

We all knew that meant the child was going to die but no one could say it.

Fear overwhelmed us. If you cannot even say the word, how are you going to be able to discuss what choices best suit your family for end of life care?

Sacha Langton-Gilks, the lead champion for The Brain Tumour Charity's HeadSmart campaign
Mum: Sacha Langton-Gilks, the lead champion for The Brain Tumour Charity’s HeadSmart campaign

With brain tumours being the biggest cancer killer in the UK of children and adults under 40, The Brain Tumour Charity’s feedback from many parents is that they feel completely isolated with no information.

Even doctors do not say the D word because they have been trained to ‘fix’ things and view death as somehow a failure on their part.

But I see my doctors and nurses as geniuses for enabling a fabulous quality of life for my child right up to his death. This taboo about death has to be shattered so that we can improve how we care for our loved ones at the end of their lives.

When I was asked to give a speech to parents and doctors at The Brain Tumour Charity’s first paediatric brain tumour information day about how we managed DD’s death, the process itself, I didn’t know if I could do It. But then I remembered that voiceless fear in parents’ eyes at the hospital.

I call this an ‘ante-mortem class’ – one parent sharing their experience with another parent just as you would at an ante-natal class.

After all, you wouldn’t dream of giving birth without talking to another mum, reading books or going to a class, would you?

Lack of information about end of life care for children breeds fear and stops parents from even being able to articulate questions to their doctors.

David Langton-Gilks before his death with his family
Tough: David before his death with his family

On top of this is our society’s obsession with being ‘positive’ with hope. The fear that somehow by saying the D word means we ourselves might have made it happen by not being positive enough, by giving up hope. It is our punishment for being cowards.

But death is part of life and comes to us all. So how can it be negative or positive? It just is what it is – ceasing to be.

When we ‘went home’ after DD’s final scan in May 2012, which showed his cancer was everywhere and he had weeks to live, we were not doing nothing or stopping treatment – there was a detailed advanced care plan in place.

He was having full palliative care treatment co-ordinated by Southampton General Hospital which included Gold Standards Framework for end of life care at our GP’s surgery and also involved Marie Curie.

It centred on the relief of his symptoms of pain and vomiting to give him quality of life.

It just was not curative treatment as this was no longer possible.

David Langton-Gilks before his death
Tragic: David Langton-Gilks before his death

But we still had hope – we had changed that hope from one that DD could be cured to one where he had the best quality of life possible in the limited time he had left.

Some people do a bucket list, but DD just wanted to hang out at home with me and his dad Toby, his brother Rufus, now 17, and sister Holly, now 13.

He didn’t want to spend another second in hospital and wanted to have a party with his friends. So we did.

If we had not faced up to the fact that he was going to die soon, we would have spent hours of that incredibly precious time in hospital trying to convince ourselves that the chemotherapy on offer would cure him.

DD would have hated it and we’d have been traumatised by each successive scan, contradicting what we longed to see.

My biggest agony was knowing that helping my child to suffer less meant I might have less time with him.

Nothing will ever be as painful as letting DD go, but how could I have made him suffer pain on my account? That would have made me the most selfish mother alive and I couldn’t have lived with that.

So the biggest battle was actually me.

In Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, from one parent to others going through the same thing, as a gift from my heart, I am sharing how my son died to shatter the taboo and make your battle less.

 
Complete Article HERE!