Tag: Grief and Grieving

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What Is Anticipatory Grief and How Do You Cope with It?

By Stephanie Sengwe

With loss comes grief. Whether it’s losing a loved one, a beloved pet, a job or even the dissolution of a relationship, grief can (and will) rear its ugly head. So why is it that in certain cases, like terminal illness, you can feel grief before the loss? While it’s easy to chalk your emotional rollercoaster up to the extenuating circumstances—medical bills, caretaking, etc.—you may also be going through what is known as anticipatory grief. So what exactly is anticipatory grief and how do we cope? We tapped a therapist to help us understand.

What exactly is anticipatory grief?

According to Diane Brennan, LMHC, a therapist at Life & Loss Mental Health Counseling anticipatory grief is “the grief we experience before the loss actually happens.” “Think about it as the thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviors that we have that are anticipating a loss will happen.” While it’s most common in situations where people are preparing to lose someone, you can also experience feelings of anticipatory grief when you’re expecting a major change in your life such as being furloughed from work or an impending divorce.

How does it differ from “regular” grief?

When someone we love dies, we’re conditioned to expect (to some degree) a grieving process—looking through their old clothes, perusing photo albums, marking off anniversaries and birthdays. However, since anticipatory grief occurs before the actual loss, it can be much harder to spot, especially because oftentimes, if you are caring for someone with a terminal illness or dealing with the stress of contemptuous divorce, there are a lot of logistical things to take care of. Keeping track of your emotional well-being takes a back seat. “Sometimes people don’t even recognize that what they’re feeling prior to a loss is grief,” Brennan shares.

Who does anticipatory grief affect?

It can affect anybody coping with the prospect of loss—children of an impending divorce, partners of a sick spouse or owner of a business on the brink. But when it comes to terminal illness, it’s important to remember that anticipatory grief can also affect the person dealing with the terminal illness as the idea of their mortality becomes a reality.

How do you spot anticipatory grief?

People going through anticipatory grief can show a greater deal of irritability; they tend to anger quicker, and they may even have feelings of guilt. Says Brennan: “It can be marked with a lot of anxiety, you feel more on edge, a greater degree of sadness. There’s a lot of crying and feelings of hopelessness. Most people don’t make the ‘Oh, this is grief’ connection.”

Are there any positive sides to anticipatory grief?

“For some people, anticipatory grief can be marked with a bit of denial or deep anger about the situation,” Brennan explains. “But, when someone gains an acceptance that this is happening, it can allow them to experience joy and have conversations that are deep and meaningful and allows them to say goodbye.” Just like regular ole’ grief, it’s complicated.

3 Ways to Cope with Anticipatory Grief

1. Join a support group

A supportive group of family and friends is a priceless asset when you’re going through a tough time, but oftentimes they’re in the trenches with you as well. Finding a support group or an association where you can get support may be a better option. “If someone you love has an illness like Alzheimer’s or dementia, there are associations that you can turn to that can offer support, understanding and guidance for what you’re going through,” guides Brennan. Organizations such as the American Cancer Society, the National Multiple Sclerosis Society as well as national mental health hotlines such as Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, are all great resources to help you through.

2. Make time in your day to acknowledge what you’re grateful for

Coming to terms with the impending death of a loved one can be overwhelming but finding a good balance between your grief and your gratitude can make the road less daunting. “It helps if you can acknowledge your grief on a daily basis, but also focus on one thing you’re grateful for,” Brennan advises. “There are going to be some days that are draining every bit of energy from you but try to find that balance as best you can.” Consider starting a gratitude journal or a meditation where you focus on the things you’re thankful for. 

3. Have the conversations you’ve been holding in

Did you steal their car when you were 16 and never told them? Were you the one who scuffed their favorite pair of sneakers but let your little brother take the blame? Knowing your loved one is reaching the end of their life can grant you the opportunity to tell them all the things you never professed in the past. Conversations can be as shallow or as deep as you want them to be. And hey, if you had a particularly no-holds-barred relationship with no secrets, letting them know just how much they mean to you will be more than enough.

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Last Responders Comfort Others, While Managing Their Own Grief

by Lindsay Wilson

When Tom Belford’s mother died in May, her family was faced with the impossible task of limiting her funeral to 10 people. Belford, who is the owner and funeral director of John. A Gentleman Mortuaries and Crematory, recalled the difficult months leading up to his mother’s death.

“From March until May nobody was allowed in the building, and she was on the second floor. So we couldn’t go up to the window or anything,” he said.

The end of a life is a difficult time under any circumstances, but COVID-19 has made grieving even more difficult.

“COVID is taking people suddenly, and it’s affecting the families that have suffered, that go through a death at a time where maybe they shouldn’t,” Belford said.

Belford said in many cases families are losing people who are in their 50s and 60s due to complications from the virus.

“We’re here to help them make that first step back to a normal life after suffering a loss,” he said.

Chapel, 1010 N. 72nd St location (Real Yellow Pages)

John. A Gentleman has seen a steady number of virus-related deaths since the beginning of the pandemic, from March or April through today. Though numbers in Omaha aren’t what New York City or cities in California are seeing, deaths have risen from this time last year, according to last responders such as Belford.

Though the increase in business has been a change, the way Belford and his staff handle virus-related deaths has stayed the same.

“We practice something called universal precautions. We treat everyone as if they had COVID.”

These precautions, which include personal protective equipment used for both funeral directors and the deceased they are working with, have kept Belford’s staff safe since the beginning of the pandemic.

“We don’t treat anybody differently because they had COVID,” he said.

While the practices in caring for the deceased haven’t changed, funeral services have changed, in some cases dramatically, due to the virus.

“The biggest changes we see in the services is the social distancing,” Belford said. “For a while, the services were limited.”

Casket selection, 7010 N. 72nd St location (Real Yellow Pages)

Many churches and chapels continue to limit the capacity of funerals for everyone’s safety. In response to this, John. A. Gentleman has broadened its focus to include videocasting of services for loved ones who are unable to make it to the service.

“Before this started, we had one or two cameras for filming services,” Belford said. “We have six or seven now.”

Recorded services are helpful to many family members, but one important aspect of support is still missing.

“The families,” Belford explained, “they can’t socialize and get the support from their friends. And that’s probably the biggest disappointment families will see. Our interactions are the same. The care we give them is the same. But the care they get from their friends is different.”

Limiting social contact in a time of grief also directly curtails the level of support families would normally receive at the funeral and beyond. John A. Gentleman had to pause its bereavement programs due to the virus, though they recently started back up.

Many families are postponing memorial services for their deceased loved ones until after the virus is under better control. In March and April, some families planned to postpone services until summertime. But then those were pushed back, too. Some families are now pushing memorial services to summer 2021.

“Everybody’s pushing things back,” Belford said. “Hopefully the shots will come in and everybody will get vaccinated.”

Fortunately, Belford and his staff are currently on a waitlist for vaccinations and hope to receive their first shots in the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, Belford is more careful to protect himself and his family from the virus than the average person.

“I wouldn’t say I’m freaked out, but I would say that I’m cautious.” Belford said. “I’m very cautious about where I go and what I do. I have a big bottle of sanitizer in my car.”

Note of thanks, photo from John A. Gentleman

Being a funeral director is a tradition that has passed down for three generations in Belford’s family. While the virus has changed the way he conducts his services, one tradition that remains is the mortuary’s memorial plantings at Lauritzen Gardens, which Belford said is part of the service for every funeral. But even that has been altered slightly. The dedications are now posted online.

The coronavirus has rendered many aspects of life a moving target, and for last responders, more changes are likely to come. However, Tom Belford is prepared to continue to adapt to support families even as his own family mourns their loss. “No matter what happens to people, we’re here to help them,” he said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How can we grieve our loved ones without our traditions?

By Niamh Delmar

In Ireland, wakes, removals and funerals have been an integral part of our culture. Giving the deceased a ‘good send off ‘ has been a final tribute to those who have passed. Offering our condolences, food and practical help is an inherent part of our culture.

In the past, churches have heaved with mourners and locals gathering to pay their respects. Celebrations of life, humanist services and scattering of ashes have facilitated a communal mourning. Over the years, soup and sandwiches in the pub after, morphed into meals in a hotel.

The rituals of a burial or cremation are an important part of our humanity and the grieving process. As well as handshakes, hugs and pats on the back, mourners meet people who knew the deceased at different times in their lives. Life stories are elaborated on.

The rituals of a burial or cremation are an important part of the grieving process.

The Irish wake has been passed on through generations. It facilitates the dead and the alive to come together. Traditionally a room in the person’s house is prepared, beside a window to let the spirit leave to its eternal journey. Candles are lit at the foot of the person and the corpse is dressed in their best clothes with rosary beads in their hands.

Prayers, tears, laughter, song and drinking all feature in the presence of close family or the whole neighbourhood and friends. Historically, the deceased was kept in the room for three nights with someone always attending it. There was a lead keener who would cry over the body then others would join in and wail. A wake is a mix of sorrow and celebration, but sadly has been curtailed by this pandemic.

COVID-19 has hijacked our customs around death. Rituals, such as kissing the deceased, open caskets, condolence books and even transport to the funeral have all been impacted. Churches that once heaved have now just a few pews filled with masked mourners while everyone else is watching or crying at a screen, lining a road or standing outside. The solace of connection has been taken.

Mary Cunniffe, branch manager with Massey Brothers funeral directors talked with me about the adapting they have experienced over the past year. Supporting employees at this ‘other’ frontline has been a focus as they have been exposed to suffering, while also trying to keep themselves safe from infection. Some have vulnerable people at home living with them.

Mary commented that grief has been compounded by not having had a chance to have said their goodbyes or words that were left unspoken. People have not been able to give the large repose to honour their dead. Another fall-out from restrictions is that people are unable to visit the bereaved, help hold their grief, or help with practicalities.

All of this is part of the grieving process and eases the suffering. Crying on a shoulder, sharing a cup of tea or a drink, recounting stories about the deceased carries those mourning. Landmarks such as death anniversaries, the deceased birthdays and significant dates have passed unmarked. Suffering and loss has traumatised our nation.

Dying during the pandemic with social distancing and other measures goes against our core nature. Grief has been intensified among those who are left to handle the idea of their loved ones dying alone. Holding the hand of a dying person is comforting to both.

It exacerbates grief when those close to the person can’t attend to their needs, get to know the doctors and nurses or advocate for them the same way. The role of human contact in dying and grieving is powerful. Health care workers have borne the additional brunt of this pandemic by witnessing patients dying without the usual presence of loved ones.

End of life
It is time for dying, funerals and grieving to be looked at in different ways and for us to be prepared for the aftershocks of COVID and non-COVID related deaths during this pandemic and its restrictions. Conversations can be initiated to ensure choices are made and wishes observed.

More palliative care at home is of enormous benefit to overstretched hospitals and provides comfort to the dying and their loved ones. Sharon Foley CEO of the Irish Hospice foundation has said that surveys reveal 75% of people would like to die at home but only 25% do. 

More personnel, such as Chaplains and end of life carers, are needed in Hospitals and play a significant role at the end of life and also play a supportive role to the medical team.

Hospices provide holistic care and dignity to the patient, and look after the needs of loved ones. More of this type of intervention is needed. Ten million euro was awarded to the voluntary hospice sector recently which helps bolster the loss of fundraising monies.

Studies have shown that simple acts such as sitting, rather than standing, at a patient’s bedside can have a positive impact. Open communication between healthcare workers and families is essential. Gathering information about the patient’s life story, likes and interests can facilitate connection with those who are treating and caring for them.

End of life can be personalised with photos of the person nearby, their favourite music being played and the use of technology for loved ones to be in regular contact. The medical team can have their photos and names on their uniforms to ease the distress of being treated by people in full PPE gear. Hospice professionals assert that hearing is the last thing to go so talking, music and other aural activities can be soothing interventions.

Grieving
While public health is a priority, limited visitation policies and funeral restrictions need be constantly reviewed to provide dignity to those who are nearing the end of life and solace to those grieving. Restrictions compound the process of grieving, increasing the risk of various psychiatric conditions, such as PTSD, depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation.

It also increases the risk of complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder, as not being able to say goodbye to a loved one is a risk factor. It helps if the funeral can be personalised with input from those who can’t attend and a virtual platform can be arranged where people can leave messages, memories, poetry, song and photos in honour of the deceased.

Outlets for children to express emotions can be encouraged. Regular scheduled virtual meet-ups to remember the person’s birthday, anniversary and other landmarks maintains connection. It is never too late to have a memorial, and some people I have spoken with are planning these at a later, safer stage to celebrate the person’s life.

Professionals involved with the bereaved can benefit from training in grief counselling and assessing complicated grief. We all need to be mindful of how we use the word ‘loss’. It has been thrown out there carelessly. While there have been so many losses experienced throughout this pandemic, the loss of a holiday is not at the same level as not being able to be at their loved ones bedside at the end.

Health care workers and the frontline
Counselling is also essential for those who have been at the frontline and exposed to trauma. Compassion fatigue is intensified, without the support of families being present, while a patient is ill or dying. Comforting patients with the barrier of PPE, having difficult conversations and substituting loved ones is a huge emotional responsibility. And moral injury is a systemic problem when frontline workers become frustrated as they are unable to provide care, at the level they were trained, due to constraints.

Significant distress arises when a person has to go against their value system. Psychological PPE is fundamental to protecting the mental health of the frontline. It involves assessment, identification, intervention and monitoring of staff. Debriefings, peer support, support groups, self-care practices have all been found to be beneficial.

Professor Neil Greenberg, Consultant Occupational Psychologist, trauma specialist and Forensic Psychiatrist at King’s College London has called for better identification of vulnerable workers and access to evidence- based treatment. Many others are involved in end of life care such as the funeral sector, clergy, carers and social workers.

There is, and will be collateral damage, but the systems in place within each setting can alleviate adverse symptomatology.

Communities, individuals, society, organisations and policies can interconnect to provide end of life dignity, ways to facilitate after life rituals and identify and support the bereaved. Ar dheis Dé go raibh a n-anamacha.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Grieving Through Laughter

Sarah Weaver has combined tragedy and comedy in her webcomics as a way to cope with the death of her older sister

Sarah Weaver in Polson, Montana on Oct. 17, 2020

By Ashley Nerbovig

Monotony was kindling for Sarah Weaver’s burning grief.

After the June 2010 death of her older sister, Melissa Weaver, in a plane crash in Northwest Montana, Sarah would fumble over familiar questions such as, “How many siblings do you have?”

The tragedy shook Sarah’s entire worldview. For years she plodded along. She moved to Washington D.C. and took a job creating retirement policy at the U.S. Department of Treasury. Her boss would tell her the work she did made a meaningful difference. But Sarah didn’t see it. In 2016, she wondered whether she’d chosen where she was, or if she’d just ended up there.

In two years, Sarah traveled to 45 countries on six continents. When her travels ended, she returned to Polson, settling near where Melissa lived before she died. And now, 10 years after the plane crash, Sarah is using her webcomic, “Adventures with Vrah” to write about death, depression and diarrhea.

The combination of tragedy and comedy was appealing.

“It’s what has helped me cope and move through my own grief,” Sarah, 32, said. “I think it might help other people, or hope that it will help other people.”

Sarah was living in London at the time and staying with her aunt and uncle. She was about a week into an internship when she opened a Facebook message that read “Sarah, I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. Let me know if I can do anything.”

Sarah Weaver’s webcomic “Adventures with Vrah.”

The cryptic message left her scared and confused. The surreal feeling stayed with her as she got ahold of her parents. They were already in Polson with Sarah’s other two siblings, Emily and Joe, trying to get more information about the whereabouts of Melissa’s plane.

On June 27, 2010, Brian Williams and newly licensed pilot, Sonny Kless, picked up Melissa and her friend Erika Hoefer for a sightseeing trip over Glacier National Park. A woman reported seeing the plane, but no one reported seeing it crash. Officials believe the plane lost lift over a box canyon near the National Bison Range, roughly 100 miles south of the West Glacier entrance to the park, and dropped out of the sky.

A flight plan wasn’t filed before the four left, which made it difficult for rescue teams to know where to look. Sarah remembers hoping Melissa would be found alive. But their mother, Kathy Weaver, said she knew the moment she heard the plane went missing that Melissa was dead, even if a very small part of her thought that if Melissa did survive the crash, she would do anything to come home. She’d walk on two broken legs, Kathy said.

After three days of searching, the crash site was found. The plane had caught fire. Melissa, Hoefer, Williams and Kless all died in the crash.

“For years I’d hope that they were wrong,” Sarah said. “I’d think, ‘Everything was burned, so how do they even know it was the right plane?’”

Melissa, who was the oldest of the four Weaver siblings, was 23 when she died. Sarah, 21 at the time and 18 months younger than Melissa, was thrust unprepared into the oldest sibling leadership role. Emily Weaver, who was 19, had finished her first year of college. Joe, 17, was still in high school and living in Billings with their parents, Kathy and Dan Weaver.

Sarah Weaver with her sister Melissa.

For Sarah, a large part of working through the Melissa’s death was scribbling down her thoughts and doodling. It started as a way to keep memories of Melissa fresh, a way to help her siblings remember Melissa, who was four years older than Emily and six years older than Joe. Sarah wasn’t an artist. She’d studied finance at UM. But, after she showed one of the comics she’d made to a friend, he encouraged her to share it online. She launched her comic site in 2016, and since then her style has continued to evolve. One of the inspirations for her series was Allie Brosh, the creator of “Hyperbole and Half” and a fellow University of Montana graduate.

Years before Melissa died, Sarah watched a movie about a wife who called her husband’s cellphone and listened to his voicemail while crying in bed. It was one of the saddest things she’d ever seen, she said.

“So when Melissa died, I remember thinking back to that scene and being like, ‘I’m in the sad movie,’” Sarah said.

Sarah would still call Melissa and send her Facebook messages until one day when she called, a man answered. Melissa’s cellphone number had been reassigned to a stranger. It was devastating, but Sarah didn’t want to stop calling her sister, so she kept calling Jeff. She pretended they were lifelong friends. Jeff usually hung up on her.

One day, she got a text from Jeff’s son, telling her she was freaking out his dad and to please stop calling. She did, but she still hopes that Jeff will realize one day why she called so often and they’ll become friends. She never explained why she had “his” number. She never told him about Melissa. The comic she made about the experience with Jeff is one of her family’s favorites.

“It was just easier to play a character, a game — it was too sad,” Sarah said. “What if he did care why I was calling him?”

As Sarah’s perspective on Melissa’s death evolved, so did the webcomic. It stopped being about who Sarah was without Melissa and became about Sarah.

After spending two years abroad, Sarah returned to live in Polson. She set up a Patreon for her webcomic and thinks about turning it into a book one day. In moments of uncertainty, she wonders if it’s wrong to link her career path to her sister’s death, but ultimately she hopes her art could help people.

Sarah Weaver’s webcomic “Adventures with Vrah.”

Emily understands Sarah’s doubts but believes in her mission.

“The fact of the matter is, it happened, and we have to make as much good of it as we can,” Emily said.

Melissa’s death set off a chain of events, including unexpectedly positive developments. For one, Emily transferred from Carroll College to the University of Montana to live with Sarah after Melissa’s death and met her husband there. But the family members were isolated from one another in their grief, Emily said, and it took awhile for them to repair themselves. Every year that passes, it gets better.

The family got together this year on the 10th anniversary of the plane crash. For the first time, it felt like it wasn’t just about being sad about Melissa’s death, Emily said.

“It feels like everyone’s gotten through some of their grief,” Emily said, “and that let us come back together as a family.”

The siblings’ father, Dan, said his grief over Melissa’s death is like a heavy coat he has to wear year round. It unnerved him at first that Sarah was going to write about it. Over time, though, he’s gotten more enjoyment from Sarah’s comic. He learns things about the kids that he’d never known.

The public nature of the comic has been beneficial to Sarah. Beyond people writing to say how her comic helped them, having it as her full-time job forces her to be frank with people about her life. The process of writing and explaining it to people, sometimes in different languages, made it easier to answer the questions that stumped her after Melissa died.

Before she and her husband took their two-year trip all over the globe, they’d gone on a shorter trip to Indonesia. There, a woman asked Sarah what she did for work. When Sarah showed the woman a translation of her comic’s themes, the woman pointed to the word “depression” and said, “Yes, I know this.”

“It helps me,” Sarah said. “It’s powerful when someone can say, ‘I know, maybe, a piece of your pain.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Grieving Is Hard.

Grieving During A Pandemic Is Even Harder.

Without rituals, or a communal gathering, the the loss of a loved one can be felt even more keenly

by Julia Paskin

I recently lost someone who, in a lot of ways, was like a second mother. She didn’t die from COVID-19 but pandemic regulations still stand. It’s not safe to have a memorial for her.

Grief is never easy. I’m having trouble processing her loss for a few reasons but a big one is that Mama Sue was a mother to a whole lot of people, and being unable to gather with all of them in her honor has me feeling kind of stuck in my grief.

Dr. Katherine Shear says rituals surrounding death are an important part of the health process. “Without those rituals we struggle a lot more with coming to terms with the loss, which is of course what we have to do,” said Shear. Ultimately healing requires us to “regroup and find our way forward.”

PROLONGED GRIEF

Shear teaches psychiatry at Columbia University and specializes in prolonged grief, something she’s seeing a lot more of these days. Grief is considered prolonged when the feelings disrupt everyday life beyond what’s considered a healthy degree and amount of time. Symptoms of prolonged grief, also known as complicated grief can include extreme sorrow, isolation, and an inability to feel joy long after suffering a loss.

For many, it’s not only about missing out on the ritual and sense of community. It’s also about not being with someone when they die. Shear says separation from loved ones during the dying process can also make healing more difficult.

“Those things contribute to the processing of the reality of the death,” said Shear. “That’s a part of what we have to do – accept the reality. And then we have to find a way to restore our capacity to feel well-being.”

ENORMOUS NUMBERS

Demographer Emily Smith-Greenaway teaches sociology and spatial sciences at USC and has quantified the impact of COVID-19 fatalities on its survivors. She says “each death results in about nine Americans grieving the death of a close relative.”

Based on that projection, 225,000 people in California were personally affected by the death of someone from COVID-19 in 2020 alone. “The size of the population grieving, and grieving very intimate losses, is just enormous,” said Smith-Greenaway.

Fellow USC professor Diane Blaine specializes in thanatology which is the study of death and its impact. She says there are ways to find solace in creating our own rituals to help the healing process…

“Write a letter, light a candle too, you know, I have a little altar, and to just sit and weep,” said Blaine. “We can still do those things.”

FUTURE GATHERINGS

Many are finding ways to connect with other mourners. Zoom memorial services and online religious ceremonies are being frequently held. If you’re still struggling though, Blaine recommends talking to a grief counselor or support group.

The challenge is that there are a lot of communities where mental health services are hard to access and they’re often the same communities with high COVID-19 mortality rates. An emerging idea is to train people already trusted in the community like barbers and church members to give support.

Most importantly, Blaine says to remember that grief doesn’t have a timeline.

“Even though right now there might have to be a forestalling of whatever form of grief process, it can continue and it can continue on even for years.”

Blaine says we will be able to gather in the memory of those we’ve lost again at some point. And that can be healing whenever it happens.

For what it’s worth, I think I’ll light another candle for Mama Sue tonight.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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There Is No Vaccine for Grief

But there are ways to prepare to face it.

By A.C. Shilton

For months, I’ve felt like the emotional equivalent of a car with a cracked windshield. I’m still rolling through daily life, but one good knock is bound to shatter me. Although the number of coronavirus cases has been declining, the number of deaths has soared well above 500,000, and now we have the new variants to worry about. I know that if I have not yet lost a loved one, I’m one of the lucky ones — and no one’s luck lasts forever.

I love being proactive — I’m all about having a go bag with extra batteries, duct tape and granola bars ready for any emergency. But what, if anything, could I do to prepare myself for grief?

Anticipatory grief is a well-documented phenomenon in grief counseling, said Dr. Katherine Shear, the founder and director for the Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University. But usually researchers study anticipatory grief in environments like hospices, where loss is imminent. What many of us are experiencing right now is more nebulous. Dr. Shear cautioned that spiraling into anticipatory grief for a loss that may not even happen is likely to be unhelpful.

Of course, even if you do not lose a family member or friend in the pandemic, that does not mean you will not experience grief. At its core, grief is a reaction to a change that you didn’t want or ask for, said David Kessler, a grief expert and author of many books on the subject, including his most recent, “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.”

Even those who have not lost family members are experiencing some level of loss in the pandemic, he said, from the disappointment of missing in-person experiences and holiday celebrations to the losses of our jobs and even our homes.

“The problem with comparisons in grief is if you win, you lose,” Mr. Kessler said, adding, “and the world is big enough for all our griefs.”

Inoculating yourself against feelings of loss may prove harder than getting a routine vaccine. “Grief is as unique as a thumbprint. What works for one person may not work for another,” said Deanna Upchurch, the director of clinical outreach services at the Providence-based hospice HopeHealth. Still, should the worst happen, knowing what tends to help others could help you gird yourself — even just a little bit. If doing something feels better to you than doing nothing, consider this your packing list for a grief go bag.

Practice Experiencing Your Emotions.

“In our culture, we tend to think painful emotions are bad,” Dr. Shear said. “But that’s really not true. It’s true that they’re painful, but we can learn from them,” she said. Next time you feel something unpleasant, take a moment to sit with it and think about why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling.

Mr. Kessler suggests looking to the animal kingdom for inspiration on learning to live with uncomfortable emotions. After his 21-year-old son died suddenly in 2016, Mr. Kessler was watching a documentary on buffalos. The documentary noted that buffalos run straight into oncoming storms.

“Because they run into the storm, they minimize the time they are in the discomfort. We live in a society that minimizes grief. Unlike the buffalo, we try to stay a mile ahead of it, but it’s just always there, chasing behind us,” he said. Consider, instead, being willing to run into the rain.

Shower the People You Love With Love.

Maureen Keeley, a professor of interpersonal communication at Texas State University, has been studying the final conversations between family members for nearly 20 years. In that time, one theme has emerged over and over again: “We need to tell those we love that we love them,” she said.

This advice sounds so simple. And yet, when I tested it out by calling my best college friend to tell her how grateful I was for her friendship, the gears gummed up. (Instead, I asked about her new cat.) To which, Dr. Keeley gave me this advice: “Grow up.” Telling someone how much they mean to you may feel a bit awkward. Go on and reveal the mushy bits of your soul. Most people enjoy hearing how much they matter, and saying it now saves you from having regrets later.

Nurture Your Network.

“We are not meant to be islands of grief,” Mr. Kessler said. Everyone grieves differently, and even within your grief there may be periods when you wish to be alone and periods when you really need a friend. When the latter happens, having a sturdy network to lean on is so important. “We need to know our loved one’s life mattered, our loved one’s death mattered. It brings us meaning to see our pain witnessed in someone else’s eyes,” he said. Now is the time to make time for friends.

Some people need something to look forward to. Others find thinking about the future overwhelming, said Ms. Upchurch. If you’re currently planning what to serve at your post-vaccine dinner party, you’re likely in the first group. Knowing that can help you put things on your schedule that will bring you joy in a dark time. If, however, you’ve been getting through the past year of social distancing by not thinking too far into the future, you may be better served by just allowing yourself to stay in the moment, taking each day as it comes.

Find a Natural Space.

Even if you’re generally not the outdoorsy type, a tiny slice of nature can be helpful in navigating grief, said Sonya Jakubec, a professor in the school of nursing and midwifery at Mount Royal University in Calgary, Canada. Dr. Jakubec studies the impact of natural spaces and parks on patients and caregivers. As she reported in a chapter she wrote on grieving in nature for the book “Health in the Anthropocene: Living Well on a Finite Planet,” she took palliative care patients and caregivers out for a walk near where they worked.

“Many of them had never considered the idea of going for a 20-minute walk break,” she said. After the field trips outdoors, 93 percent said they agreed or strongly agreed that natural spaces provide emotional comfort. Dr. Jakubec has seen similar results with grief groups that meet outside. “Parks and nature feel like a container that is large enough to hold our grief,” she said.

Thanks to vaccines and hospitals having more tools to treat critical patients, it’s possible that the bump we’re all bracing for will never arrive.

Still, it’s worth fortifying yourself now, because grief is an innate part of what it means to live a full and rich life as a human.

“Generally, grief is a lifelong experience that changes over time,” said Ms. Upchurch. Still, humans can be surprisingly resilient. That resilience will help you weather whatever else the pandemic has in store — cracks and all.

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Pandemic grief could become its own health crisis

By Hope Edelman

As the nation mourns more than 500,000 lives lost a year into the coronavirus pandemic, another pandemic wave is building — of grief. It poses a potential public health crisis of its own.

For the past century, Americans’ response to grief has been to minimize its impact and suppress the emotional pain. We treat grieving as an individual affair, with mourners responsible for “getting over” their losses, mostly in private. Social isolation during the pandemic has made grieving even more solitary.

But grief wasn’t always treated this way. For centuries, communities came together to mourn the passing of an individual as a loss to the polity. Victorian mourning practices were extravagant social affairs involving rituals that the bereaved and fellow citizens followed for months, sometimes years, after a death.

Then came the one-two punch of World War I and the 1918 influenza pandemic. With so many deaths occurring so fast, mourning rituals became prohibitively expensive and social mourning was effectively impossible to maintain. Like today, large public gatherings were prohibited and quarantines enforced. Funerals shrank in size, mourning periods contracted and families were left to grieve in isolation. By the 1920s, grief in America had largely gone underground.

A century later, grief is again a widespread issue. With each covid-19 death affecting an estimated nine survivors, more than 4.5 million Americans are grieving loved ones lost to the virus. Beyond deaths to other causes, there were additional U.S. fatalities last year: gatherings with family and friends, classroom learning, millions of jobs that won’t return. Collectively, we lost a way of life in 2020.

Yet there has been no sustained outpouring of public support for mourners, as happened after the devastation of 9/11. Instead of a broad acknowledgment of mass distress, our nation has been mute with grief. Pandemic skepticism has also disparaged the losses some have experienced.

This is a precarious state for a nation. Grief is cyclical, especially around anniversary dates. Even under optimal conditions, many mourners experience a dip in functioning at the one-year mark. We should expect this to happen, starting this month, with the one-year anniversaries of the first wave of pandemic deaths and lockdowns. One year isn’t far on the long arc of adjustment, but it’s well beyond the point that most people expect visible evidence of mourning to last. Collectively failing to grant each other permission to express distress beyond the first weeks after a loss can have profound health consequences.

In children and teens, unaddressed grief can manifest as trouble sleeping, depression, anxiety, behavior issues and lower self-esteem, a 2015 study found. Research from 2018 found it leads to aggression and academic or work struggles. In adults, unaddressed grief can manifest as depression, anger, anxiety, and substance use and abuse. Medical research has linked unaddressed and suppressed emotions to a host of physical ailments later in life, including hypertension and autoimmune disorders.

President Biden’s remarks on Monday, acknowledging not just the lives lost but also the loved ones mourning, are a good start. In addition to promoting professional help, there are steps that we citizens can take to address this siloed bereavement and help head off a looming public health crisis.

We can start by viewing grief support as part of our essential social contract. Those who are grieving need acknowledgment and understanding from family and friends. This starts with taking their losses seriously and accepting their reactions. Listening to their stories of a loved one’s life and death with compassion, instead of judgment, is key; so is confirming the coronavirus’s threat to human health if their loved one died of covid.

As in 1918, public health restrictions have affected the rituals people typically rely on for comfort and support. Funerals have again become stripped-down facsimiles, with some long-standing ethnic and religious traditions abbreviated or abandoned. Some families have postponed memorial services — and their own expressions of grief — in favor of planning to hold shows of respect when groups can again gather safely.

Today’s mourners should be helped to hold on to whatever rituals remain, even if that means attending a memorial service two years after a death. Rituals allow people to draw on the comforts of the past while projecting a loved one’s influence forward.

New rituals can be developed, too. Even repetitive, everyday acts such as drinking morning coffee from a mother’s favorite mug or touching a loved one’s framed photo when passing by can bring comfort if performed with intention. Folding the memory or values of a lost loved one into new traditions is a way to continue honoring the lives they lived.

Finally, participating in public acknowledgements of those who have died provides a larger meaning and context for the half-million deaths that otherwise risk being minimized or, worse, forgotten.

Everyone eventually loses someone dear, some of us sooner rather than later. Mourners’ unexpressed distress can manifest in them physically and in their interactions with others — in how they work, raise children and create policy. Validating and supporting the bereaved at the time of loss is not just the compassionate thing to do — it’s a necessary investment in the collective good.

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