Dia de los Muertos (Day Of The Dead) 2023

More than 500 years ago, when the Spanish Conquistadors landed in what is now Mexico, they encountered natives practicing a ritual that seemed to mock death.

It was a ritual the indigenous people had been practicing at least 3,000 years. A ritual the Spaniards would try unsuccessfully to eradicate.

A ritual known today as Dia de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead.

The ritual is celebrated in Mexico and certain parts of the United States. Although the ritual has since been merged with Catholic theology, it still maintains the basic principles of the Aztec ritual, such as the use of skulls.

Today, people don wooden skull masks called calacas and dance in honor of their deceased relatives. The wooden skulls are also placed on altars that are dedicated to the dead. Sugar skulls, made with the names of the dead person on the forehead, are eaten by a relative or friend, according to Mary J. Adrade, who has written three books on the ritual.

The Aztecs and other Meso-American civilizations kept skulls as trophies and displayed them during the ritual. The skulls were used to symbolize death and rebirth.

The skulls were used to honor the dead, whom the Aztecs and other Meso-American civilizations believed came back to visit during the monthlong ritual.

Unlike the Spaniards, who viewed death as the end of life, the natives viewed it as the continuation of life. Instead of fearing death, they embraced it. To them, life was a dream and only in death did they become truly awake.

“The pre-Hispanic people honored duality as being dynamic,” said Christina Gonzalez, senior lecturer on Hispanic issues at Arizona State University. “They didn’t separate death from pain, wealth from poverty like they did in Western cultures.”

However, the Spaniards considered the ritual to be sacrilegious. They perceived the indigenous people to be barbaric and pagan.

In their attempts to convert them to Catholicism, the Spaniards tried to kill the ritual.

But like the old Aztec spirits, the ritual refused to die.

To make the ritual more Christian, the Spaniards moved it so it coincided with All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day (Nov. 1 and 2), which is when it is celebrated today.

Previously it fell on the ninth month of the Aztec Solar Calendar, approximately the beginning of August, and was celebrated for the entire month. Festivities were presided over by the goddess Mictecacihuatl. The goddess, known as “Lady of the Dead,” was believed to have died at birth, Andrade said.

Today, Day of the Dead is celebrated in Mexico and in certain parts of the United States and Central America.

“It’s celebrated different depending on where you go,” Gonzalez said.

In rural Mexico, people visit the cemetery where their loved ones are buried. They decorate gravesites with marigold flowers and candles. They bring toys for dead children and bottles of tequila to adults. They sit on picnic blankets next to gravesites and eat the favorite food of their loved ones.

In Guadalupe, the ritual is celebrated much like it is in rural Mexico.

“Here the people spend the day in the cemetery,” said Esther Cota, the parish secretary at the Our Lady of Guadalupe Church. “The graves are decorated real pretty by the people.”

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It’s Never Too Soon to Start End-of-Life Conversations

— Patients can make their preferences known away from the pressures of acute illness

By Fred Pelzman, MD

There are the things that matter, and then there are the things that really matter.

As I’ve often written, through the course of a primary care office visit, and over the course of a long-term relationship between a patient and their primary care doctor, there are so many things we need to attend to.

So many acute issues, so many chronic medical problems, so many unmet health needs, so many social determinants of health that our patients struggle with, the massive issues of mental health, and the healthcare inequities and disparities that exist across the spectrum of our society.

I’ve written before about how much time it would take to take care of everything — to go through all the patient’s issues, all the vaccines and other healthcare maintenance items, all the screenings mandated by insurance companies, and all the questionnaires that bombard our patients (and us) from before their visit even starts through the time they leave the practice.

But of course, there are often things that get left unsaid, unattended to, or put off for another day.

Apart from the moment a decision is finally required, we oftentimes put off end-of-life discussions and other issues surrounding these complicated topics.

Things like signing a healthcare proxyopens in a new tab or window, having a discussion with their family about what they would want done at their end-of-lifeopens in a new tab or window, whether they want to donateopens in a new tab or window their organs, whether they want an autopsy when they pass.

Each of these topics could take a day, a week, a month, a year, a lifetime.

Patients’ ideas about each of these things change over time, change with their circumstances, change in the moment.

What we think we want when we’re young and healthy and seemingly immortal sometimes changes in the heat of a critical moment, a catastrophic illness, a tipping point, a time to decide.

How many times have each of us had a patient who got to this point and both doctors and the patient’s family wished we’d had more time to talk to them to understand what their loved one really wanted.

As part of my initial visit with patients, I tell them I’m there to be an advocate for their health, to help them navigate through our incredibly challenging healthcare system, and to try and be there for them as much as I can.

Our practice used to hand out paper copies of the New York State healthcare proxy and living wills forms.

But somewhere along the line — perhaps due to the cost of printing all those paper forms — the hospital decided we wouldn’t be doing that anymore.

Now when I meet a new patient, I send them a link to those forms in the electronic after-visit summary once we’ve wrapped up for the day, and they can print them out at home. I am hopeful the forms will help them make these decisions in a calm manner, away from the pressures of an acute illness, talking it all over with those that matter most in their lives.

Whenever time allows, I tell my patients — from the youngest to the oldest, the incredibly healthy to the terribly sick — that I have these conversations with everybody, that everyone should make their family and other loved ones know what they would want done in these difficult situations.

I know there is a lot of debate about how much this can change, how the decision to do nothing and pass peacefully can be interrupted by a critical illness when maybe, just maybe, if we only do just a little more, just a few more days, then things might turn around.

But for all of us this is a good place to start: to find out what a patient’s wishes are, to help make things easier for them, for the team of healthcare providers taking care of them, and for everyone who’s close to them who will ultimately be so deeply affected by what happens next.

Perhaps someday we’ll be a mature enough society where, instead of having to convince someone to be an organ donor, the default would be to donate any of our viable organs for the benefit of others (like it is for much of the rest of the world).

Perhaps someday we can use the idea of an autopsy to help advance medical knowledge, to help understand the process of living and dying, to help the next person in line who might benefit from what we learn.

And maybe even someday the issues of a dignified death, of maximizing the use of hospice and palliative care, of helping our loved ones get the peace they desire, will no longer raise such societal ire and create so much resistance.

I know this is a lot, I know that each of these topics comes with an enormous amount of charged societal and emotional baggage, and there are strong opinions on all sides.

For now, I’ll keep telling my patients to think about it, to think about how they’d feel, how they want their family to feel, how much better it will be if everyone is on the same page.

Far too often we’ve seen families torn apart by these decisions during the last days of a patient’s life. And none of us want to see that happen.

Complete Article HERE!

Supernatural Festivals

— A Cross-Cultural Look at the Celebration of Death

Candles placed on the river to carry intentions

By Dr. Ahriana Platten

Halloween, with its eerie costumes, spooky decorations, and a sense of playful fright, is a widely celebrated holiday in many parts of the world. It’s interesting to note that various faiths around the globe have their own festivals that share similarities with Halloween, a great example of the universal need to acknowledge our ancestors, the time of death, and our desire for life beyond our mortal walk. These celebrations may not always align perfectly with the modern commercialized version of Halloween, but they embrace themes of the supernatural, remembrance of the deceased, and the triumph of light over darkness.

Here are a few examples:

Dia de los Muertos – Mexico

In Mexico, Dia de los Muertos, or the Day of the Dead, is a vibrant and colorful festival that coincides with Halloween. Celebrated from October 31st to November 2nd, this holiday honors deceased loved ones. Families create elaborate altars adorned with sugar skulls, marigold flowers, and the favorite foods and beverages of the departed. People dress in skeleton costumes, and parades and festivals take place across the country to celebrate the cycle of life and death.

Pitru Paksha – Hinduism

In Hinduism, Pitru Paksha is a 16-day period when Hindus pay homage to their ancestors. It is believed that during this time, the spirits of the deceased visit the realm of the living. Families perform rituals, offer food, and conduct tarpana (libations) to honor their ancestors and seek blessings for their well-being in the afterlife. The festival is marked by a sense of solemnity and reflection, akin to Halloween’s connection with the supernatural.

Obon – Buddhism

Obon, or the Festival of the Dead, is a Buddhist tradition celebrated in Japan in July or August, depending on the region. During this time, families honor deceased relatives by lighting lanterns and setting them afloat on rivers and other bodies of water. It is believed that these lanterns guide the spirits of the deceased back to the world of the living. Bon Odori dances are also performed, and grave sites are cleaned and decorated to welcome back the spirits.

Samhain – Celtic Paganism

Samhain, originating from Celtic pagan traditions, is considered the precursor to modern Halloween. Celebrated on October 31st, it marks the end of the harvest season and the onset of winter. It is believed that during Samhain, the veil between the world of the living and the world of the dead is at its thinnest, allowing spirits to cross over. People would light bonfires, don masks, and leave offerings to appease the spirits. Many elements of Samhain have been incorporated into contemporary Halloween celebrations.

Chuseok – Korean Buddhism

Chuseok, also known as Korean Thanksgiving Day, is a major harvest festival celebrated in Korea. While it is not directly related to Halloween, it shares some thematic similarities. Families gather to pay respect to their ancestors by visiting their ancestral graves, offering food, and performing ancestral rites. Chuseok emphasizes the importance of family and the connection between the living and the deceased, similar to Halloween’s focus on remembering the departed.

Qingming Festival – Chinese Traditions

The Qingming Festival, also known as Tomb-Sweeping Day, is a Chinese tradition that occurs around April 4th or 5th. During this time, families visit the graves of their ancestors to clean the tombstones, make offerings, and burn incense. It is a day of remembrance and reflection, where people pay their respects to their ancestors and ensure their well-being in the afterlife. While not directly tied to Halloween, Qingming shares the theme of honoring the deceased and maintaining a connection with the spirit world.

Regardless of the specific rituals and customs, these traditions serve as a reminder of the enigmatic and unexplained aspects of life and death, making them captivating parallels to the Halloween festivities we know and cherish. the value of exploring the rites, rituals, and sacred ceremonies of faiths other than our own is that we begin to identify aspects of life that are universally important to all human beings — and, in the process, we come to a better understanding of our interconnection. This serves the pursuit of peace — something much of the world is actively seeking now.

Complete Article HERE!

Do end-of-life conversations make you nervous?

by Chris Brinneman, MSW, LCSW

If your family is like mine, you enjoy coming together to talk about living your best lives, planning vacations and making sure you are incorporating the activities and people you love into your calendar. But my family, perhaps unlike your family, also appreciates opportunities to discuss plans and preferences pertaining to potential health issues and scenarios, what we want our final days to look like, death and dying. We recognize that particularly given my profession, this might make us the exception to the norm. But it doesn’t have to be.

If you’ve seen the new Barbie movie, you can appreciate that I often feel like most people are the supporting characters in that film–dancing and having a great time–and I’m the one asking, “Do you guys ever think about dying?” It can certainly cause the record to scratch and the music to stop.

I’m incredibly grateful for my family’s willingness to engage in crucial conversations. After years serving and observing as a hospice and palliative care social worker, I boldly support not waiting until it’s too late to start talking about advance care planning (ACP) and end-of-life planning. I recommend inviting the people who matter most to us to have these discussions so that we know how to advocate for them in the event of a medical crisis and they know how to do so for us. Is it as light and lovely as vacation planning? Probably not. But it is one of the greatest gifts we can give to the people we care about.

Making ACP approachable

We live in a society where people predominantly avoid the subjects of aging and death. This can make it very challenging to broach the subject of end-of-life preferences. But I tell people to start by simply opening the door, metaphorically and physically, and inviting people in to chat. This could be on your own or with the help of an ACP advocate. The important thing is just to start, because these conversations evolve over time and are best when revisited as circumstances and expectations change.

My mom used to tease, with some underpinnings of truth, that her end-of-life plan was for us to “put her on an iceberg with a polar bear.” She grew up in a home where talking about death and dying was not the norm, as their faith did not accept the reality of death. As she got older, and three of her five adult children worked in healthcare, Mom became more willing to engage in ACP discussions sans the polar bear. A big motivator for this shift was that we, as a family, began to normalize talking about sickness, dying and death. We invited her to have conversations, and over time, she was able to clearly identify the person she wanted to make healthcare decisions for her if she could not make her own and state what her treatment preferences were for future care.

Setting the stage and starting the dialogue

You, too, should begin the conversation about advance care planning with your family and friends. If that makes you anxious or triggers you to feel overwhelmed, I want to offer some suggestions for broaching the subject from a different place.

Here are some ways you can start a crucial conversation in a format that feels good for you and your family:

  • Tee up the discussion in a neutral way. You don’t have to say, “Let’s have a difficult conversation and talk about your death.” These discussions should never be framed in a negative way. Rather, try beginning a dialogue with loved ones from the truth that completing ACP early allows you (and them) to think about and reflect on what is important when health changes, even though that may be years away.
  • Set the stage or take advantage of the situation. There are times when talking about death and dying fits seamlessly into a conversation or event. For example, if you learn of a sudden medical crisis with an acquaintance or friend, use the news to spark a discussion about what you would want in a similar situation. Similarly, there are settings and scenarios that support this type of intimate conversation. When walking and talking with a loved one, for instance, you can use the dedicated private time together to communicate about your wishes.
  • Dose these conversations out over time. You don’t have to tackle the entirety of your end-of-life wishes in one sitting or conversation. Talk a bit. If you start to feel overwhelmed or like you’ve made progress, leave it. Talk again when you’re ready.  
  • Emphasize key messages. ACP is good for all adults, regardless of age or health. We have a say in our care. Treatments only work if they work for us, each individually. We can change our minds. But it’s always imperative that you make the things that are most important to you known, so that the people who will be making decisions for you can be your voice. 
  • Lighten the emotional weight of the subject matter. If you struggle with the topic of end-of-life, as many do, there are games available to help guide the dialogue with a brighter approach. The Death Deck, Hello and Morbid Curiosity are great options. There are websites that offer resources like The Conversation Project Starter Kit.

I’ll leave you with this. Last year, I dropped my car off at the dealership to have some work done. The driver of the shuttle who took me to work asked what I did for a living, and I explained my work in advance care planning. By the time we concluded our short commute together, he had my card, and I had his promise that he would speak with his wife and call to schedule an appointment. He did. And you can, too.

Invite the people you love to have the dialogue–as many times as it takes. Be open to the gifts and relief these conversations can bring. Use the resources you need to ease any apprehension. And appreciate the opportunity to make your wishes known, because, unlike in Barbie’s world, we all think about death. We just need to normalize talking about it.

Complete Article HERE!

The Intersections Between Hospice and Palliative Care

By Holly Vossel

Hospice care and palliative care services have similar, but diverging, threads across the care continuum.

An area of increasing overlap centers around patient consultations discussing symptom management and goals of care.

Supportive care for patients and families is a common thread in both hospice and palliative care, with providers touching different points along a patients’ disease trajectory, according to Brynn Bowman, CEO of the Center to Advance Palliative Care (CAPC). The organization recently held a conference with the Coalition to Transform Advanced Care (C-TAC).

Palliative care and hospice share some common goals with hospice. Both aim to manage pain and symptoms for patients in critical health stages, she said. Ensuring that patients receive the right form of care at the right time is crucial Bowman indicated.

“Many leaders in the hospice and palliative care fields want the same thing for patients in that philosophical approach to care,” Bowman told Hospice News during the C-TAC-CAPC Leadership Summit in Washington, D.C. “The question is, how do we appropriately make sure that as soon as a person needs supportive palliative services, that they have the right access at the right time and the transition to hospice as it continues to evolve is appropriate.”

Hospices have increasingly built out palliative care as an additional business line, a trend that continues to accelerate.

More than half (56%) of hospice care professionals indicated that their organizations planned to launch palliative care programs during 2023 in this year’s Hospice News Industry Outlook Survey, prepared in collaboration with Homecare Homebase. This is up from last year’s results in which 52% of respondents reported the same. Survey respondents included nearly 330 hospice and palliative care industry professionals, including owners, executive leaders and managers, among others

Hospices seeking to reach patients further upstream could benefit from integrating a palliative consultative model into their works, according to Allison Silvers, chief health care transformation officer at CAPC.

“Hospice is a model with a definition of what gets delivered, how often and by whom,” Silvers told Hospice News at the summit. “One opportunity that could be better utilized is a consultative model, but it is a divergence for a consult. Hospice is a symptoms management model, but there’s also a delineating line there, particularly in the requirement to give up curative treatment. And that doesn’t fit a lot of patients and families’ beliefs. There’s opportunities to get rid of the ‘giving up’ component in palliative care where patients can be much better served.”

A headwind hospices often face in their growing palliative lines is a lack of awareness around the nature of these services among the general public and health professionals alike. Common issues are that medical and nursing students do not receive enough exposure to palliative care throughout their training, while patients, families and clinicians often conflate these services with hospice.

More research and education are needed to help fill these knowledge gaps and improve understanding of both hospice and palliative care and how they differ, said Dr. Andy Esch, palliative care specialist and CAPC’s senior education advisor.

Better understanding could foster improved care coordination between hospice and palliative care, helping providers to address unmet patient needs, he stated.

“Through education, awareness and research, we need to make it automatic for anybody interfacing with a patient to recognize suffering or an unmet need and figure out where to refer them and think about giving them palliative care,” Esch said at the summit. “The job is always making sure patients get the right services they need, and when someone is eligible for hospice, there’s a benefit in that program. And if they don’t qualify, they still deserve to have their symptoms managed, their care coordinated and their spiritual and psychological needs met. We need to make people more aware, and we need research to support the outcomes before it becomes more automatic.”

Complete Article HERE!

How Aid in Dying Became Medical, Not Moral

— The debate over aid in dying still rages in the language that medicine and the media use to describe the practice.

By Rachel E. Gross

In rural Iowa, Peg Sandeen recalls, living with AIDS meant living under the cloud of your neighbors’ judgment. After her husband, John, fell ill in 1992, the rumors began swirling. The couple had almost learned to live with the stigma when things took a turn for the worse.

In 1993, ravaged by his disease and running out of options, John wanted to make one final decision: to die on his own terms, with the help of life-ending medication. But at the time, there was no way to convey to his doctors what he wanted. As the debate over assisted dying raged in far-off Oregon, the headlines offered up only loaded words: murder, euthanasia, suicide.

John was adamant that what he wanted was not suicide. He loved his life: his wife, who had married him even though he had asked her to leave when he learned he was H.I.V. positive; their 2-year-old daughter, Hannah; and playing Neil Young songs on guitar, a pleasure that was rapidly being taken from him as his faculties slipped away.

“This was not a man who wanted to commit suicide, at all,” said Ms. Sandeen, now the chief executive of Death With Dignity, a group that supports aid-in-dying laws across the country. To her, the word only added more judgment to the homophobia and AIDS phobia that they — and others who found themselves in a similar position — were facing.

John had expressed to his wife his wish to die on his own terms. But, to her knowledge, he never spoke about it with his physicians. At the time, it felt impossible to bring it up as simply a medical question, not a moral one.

“Even if the answer was, ‘No, we can’t offer that,’ that would have made such a difference,” she said. “We were just facing so much stigma that even to have the ability to have this end-of-life care conversation would have just been remarkable.”

John succumbed to the virus on Dec. 9, 1993, less than a year before the Death With Dignity Act passed narrowly in Oregon. Since its enactment in 1997, more than 3,700 Oregonians have taken measures permitted by the law, which allows patients with a terminal illness and the approval of two doctors to receive life-ending medication. The practice is now legal in 10 U.S. states and Washington, D.C.

With this shift has come new language. Like the Sandeens, many health advocates and medical professionals insist that a terminally ill patient taking medication to hasten the end is doing something fundamentally different from suicide. The term “medical aid in dying,” they say, is meant to emphasize that someone with a terminal diagnosis is not choosing whether but how to die.

“There is a significant, a meaningful difference between someone seeking to end their life because they have a mental illness, and someone seeking to end their life who is going to die in the very near future anyway,” said Dr. Matthew Wynia, director of the University of Colorado’s Center for Bioethics and Humanities.

In the 1990s, advocates were facing an uphill battle for support. Two assisted-dying bills, in California and Washington, had failed, and the advocates now faced an opposition campaign that mischaracterized the practice as doctor-prescribed death. “At the time, the issue very badly needed to be rebranded and repositioned,” said Eli Stutsman, a lawyer and a main author of the Death With Dignity Act. “And that’s what we did.”

The text of the law, however, only defined the practice by what it was not: mercy killing, homicide, suicide or euthanasia. (In the United States, euthanasia means that a physician actively administers the life-ending substance. That practice has never been legal in the United States, although it is in Canada.)

New terms soon became inevitable. Barbara Coombs Lee, an author of the law and president at the time of the advocacy group Compassion and Choices, remembers a meeting in 2004 where her group discussed which terminology to use going forward. The impetus “was probably another frustrated conversation about another interminable interview with a reporter who insisted on calling it suicide,” she said.

A phrase like “medical aid in dying,” they concluded, would reassure patients that they were taking part in a process that was regulated and medically sanctioned. “Medicine has that legitimating power, like it or not,” says Anita Hannig, an anthropologist at Brandeis University and author of the book “The Day I Die: The Untold Story of Assisted Dying in America.” “That really removes a lot of the stigma.”

By contrast, words like “suicide” could have a devastating effect on patients and their families, as Dr. Hannig learned in her research. Grieving relatives might be left feeling shamed, isolated or unsupported by strangers or acquaintances who assumed that the loved one had “suicided.” Dying patients often hid their true wishes from their doctors, because they feared judgment or struggled to reconcile their personal views on suicide.

Unlike an older term, “physician aid in dying,” “medical aid in dying” also centered on the patient. “This is not a decision the physician’s making — this is not even a suggestion the physician is making,” said Ms. Coombs Lee, who has worked as an emergency-room nurse and a physician assistant. “The physician’s role is really secondary.”

An equally important consideration was how the phrase would be taken up by the medical community. Doctors in Oregon were already practicing aid in dying and publishing research on it. But without agreed-upon terms, they either defaulted to “assisted suicide” (generally used by opponents of the law) or “death with dignity” (the term chosen by advocates for the name of the law). A more neutral phrase, one that doctors could use with each other and in their research, was needed.

Not all organizations today agree that “medical aid in dying” is neutral. The Associated Press Stylebook still advises referring to “physician-assisted suicide,” noting that “aid in dying” is a term used by advocacy groups. The American Medical Association also uses this language: In 2019, a report from the association’s Council on Ethical and Judicial Affairs concluded that “despite its negative connotations, the term ‘physician assisted suicide’ describes the practice with the greatest precision. Most importantly, it clearly distinguishes the practice from euthanasia.”

Medical language has long shaped — and reshaped — how we understand death. Dr. Hannig noted that the concept of brain death did not exist until 1968. Until then, a patient whose brain activity had ceased but whose heart was still beating was still legally alive. One consequence was that any doctor removing the patient’s organs for transplant would have been committing a crime — a serious concern for a profession that is notoriously fearful of lawsuits.

In 1968, a Harvard Medical School committee came to the conclusion that “irreversible coma,” now known as brain death, should be considered a new criterion for death. This new definition — a legal one, rather than a biological one — has paved the way for organ transplantation around the world. “Before the definition of death was changed, those physicians would be called murderers,” Dr. Hannig said. “Now you have a totally new definition of death.”

Of course, doctors have always assisted patients who sought a better end. But in the past, it was usually in secret and under the shroud of euphemism.

“Back in the day, before the laws were passed, it was known as a wink and a nod,” said Dr. David Grube, a retired family physician in Oregon who began prescribing life-ending medications after one of his terminally ill patient violently took his own life. He knew doctors in the 1970s and ’80s who prescribed sleeping pills to terminally ill patients and let on that combining them with alcohol would lead to a peaceful death.

For a brief time after the Death With Dignity law was passed, some doctors used the word “hastening” to emphasize that the patient was already dying and that the physician was merely nudging along an unavoidable fate. That term did not catch on, in part because hospices did not like to advertise that they were shortening lives, and patients did not like hearing that hospice care might lead to their “hastening.”

In the absence of other language, the name of the law itself became the preferred term. The phrase allowed patients to open conversations with their physicians without feeling as though they were raising a taboo subject, and doctors understood immediately what was meant. The name has stuck: Even in his retirement, Dr. Grube gets calls from patients asking to talk about “death with dignity.”

Yet in some ways, Dr. Grube believes the use of the word “dignity” was unfortunate. To him, the crucial point is not the kind of death a patient chooses, but that the patient has a choice. “You can have a dignified death when you pull out all the stops and it doesn’t work,” he said. “If that’s what you want, it’s dignified. Dignity is defined by the patient.”

To him, that means avoiding language that heaps judgment on people who are already suffering. “There’s no place for shaming language in end-of-life,” Dr. Grube said. “It shouldn’t be there.”

Complete Article HERE!

Why Some People Wait To Die Until They’re Alone

By Jennifer Anandanayagam

Dying alone usually has a negative connotation attached to it. This is probably why movies portray it as sad and heartbreaking. On the flip side, dying while being surrounded by friends and family is often thought of as a good death. The person was loved and made to feel secure as they passed on. They didn’t have to endure the pain of dying alone.

But what happens in the final moments of death is a subject that’s largely still being discovered. No one really knows for sure definite answers to the big questions like “Does your consciousness continue after you stop breathing?” or “Will you have a better death if you have loved ones surrounding your bed?”

Social researcher and death studies scholar Glenys Caswell from Nottingham University noted that, for some people, dying alone is something that they choose of their own accord (via The Conversation). One of Caswell’s studies, which was published in the journal Mortality in 2017, involved interviewing 11 elderly persons who lived by themselves and seven hospice nurses about their thoughts surrounding dying alone. While there was some belief among the hospice nurses that dying alone is not something they’d endorse, Caswell found that for the older people, “dying alone was not seen as something that is automatically bad, and for some of the older people it was to be preferred.” They preferred it to having their freedom curtailed or being confined to a care home.

They might die alone to spare their loved ones pain

Lizzy Miles — a Columbus, Ohio-based hospice social worker and author of “Somewhere In Between: The Hokey Pokey, Chocolate Cake and The Shared Death Experience” — is of the opinion that some people can choose when they die. She wrote in the hospice and palliative medicine blog Pallimed that people who choose to wait and die alone might be doing so out of concern for their loved ones.

“We have those patients who die in the middle of the night. We hear stories about the loved one who just stepped out for five minutes and the patient died. We may have even witnessed a quick death ourselves. I believe this happens by the patient’s choice,” wrote Miles. She added that this happens mostly in instances when the dying person is a parent. “I believe it is a protective factor,” she explained.

Henry Fersko-Weiss, a licensed clinical social worker and executive director of the International End-of-Life Doula Association, feels slightly differently about the topic. While he doesn’t discount the fact that some people might die alone, he shared in a YouTube video that people like feeling connected and safe before they pass away. Fersko-Weiss said that “because of the way we think about death, [we] feel that we’ll be a burden to loved ones” if we let them see us die. Sparing loved ones the pain of it all might be at the heart of the decision but this is something friends and family should have an open conversation about, he added

Having an open dialogue with your loved one can help

No matter how painful those final moments might be, it can be a good idea to equip yourself with the right tools to have open conversations that foster understanding on both sides, say the experts. You might want to lean into what dying people want you to know about how they’d ideally want to go, and also assess your own emotions, cultural biases, and ideas around it. If you’re unable to broach the topic yourselves, enlist the help of hospice care workers or even a therapist.

It is possible that the person who is dying is concerned that the loved ones whom they are leaving behind will carry with them for the rest of their lives the burden of seeing them pass, shared Fersko-Weiss in the video. You could reassure them by saying something like, “Of course, we want to be there. It doesn’t matter how it looks or how it sounds or how emotionally difficult it may be to be present. It is part of our love for you that we would want to be there,” said the death doula.

How you choose to be present when someone you love is dying is a decision both the dying and those being left behind can arrive at together, per the experts. And, in the instance when your loved one chooses to wait and die alone, “openness created through discussion might also help to remove some of the guilt that family members feel when they miss the moment of their relative’s death,” added Caswell

Complete Article HERE!