Tag: Death Talk

Posted on

When a Pet Dies, Helping Children Through the ‘Worst Day of Their Lives’

Reading age-appropriate books about a pet’s death, like this one for ages 4 to 8, may be helpful in getting a child over the grief.

By JULI FRAGA

[T]he loss of a pet is often a child’s first experience with death. Understanding the unique ways that children view pets and respond to their passing can help parents to ease the grieving process.

Joshua Russell, an assistant professor of environmental science at Canisius College in Buffalo, who has studied the effects of pet loss in children, explained that for many children, pets are more than just animals. “Many kids describe their pets as siblings or best friends with whom they have strong connections,” he said.

In a study of 12 children ages 6 to 13 who had lost a pet, published in the journal Environmental Education Research, Dr. Russell found that even years after the pet’s death, some children still described the loss as “the worst day of their lives.” He also discovered that children come up with unique ways to rationalize their pet’s passing and that the way a pet dies influences how children grieve.

“Children, in particular, have a distinct sense of existential fairness around whether or not an animal lived until an appropriate age,” Dr. Russell said.

Like adults, children more readily accepted their pet’s death when it was expected in some way. For example, children were less affected when they knew in advance that the animal would have a short life span. They seemed to know that a fish or hamster, for instance, would not live as long as a dog or cat. When an animal was sick, they generally agreed that euthanasia relieved the pet of its suffering. If an animal is terminally ill, parents can help prepare the child by talking about the impending loss, as well as the feelings of sadness it will evoke.

This book is written for children ages 8 to 13.

Yet when pets died in tragic and unexpected ways, the loss was harder for the child to accept. “When a pet dies suddenly, it highlights the unpredictability of the world. It tells children that the people and animals they love can die without warning,” said Abigail Marks, a clinical psychologist in San Francisco who specializes in childhood grief.

Of course, a child’s age and developmental level affect how he or she understands death, and a child’s grief looks very different from an adult’s. Children do not always cry or immediately show emotion. But this does not mean they are not deeply affected by the loss.

“Kids under the age of 5 will have a hard time understanding that the pet is gone forever because it’s difficult for them to grasp the concept of death,” said Jessica Harvey, a psychotherapist in San Francisco who specializes in pet grief.

One way young children may express their grief is through play. After the loss of a pet, they may pretend, for example, that a stuffed cat or dog became ill and passed away. Parents can help their children through the grieving process by actively participating in this type of imaginary play.

Reading age-appropriate books about pet death may also be helpful. “Goodbye, Brecken,” by David Lupton, for children ages 4 to 8; “Kate, the Ghost Dog: Coping With the Death of a Pet,” by Wayne L. Wilson, for ages 8 to 13; and “Memories of You,” by Erainna Winnett, for ages 7 to 12, are some examples.

School-age children will often have questions about the animal’s death, and the back-and-forth that ensues may open up larger conversations about love, loss and what happens after we die. When telling a school-age child about a pet’s death, Dr. Marks recommends being honest about what happened. Doing so lets a child know that it is not taboo to talk about death or painful feelings, which can set the stage to process other sorts of loss in the future. Parents should also validate any emotions that arise as the child mourns.

She said that a child’s grief would ebb and flow; they may cry one minute and then resume playing or talking about other things the next minute. Parents should be more concerned if a child has nightmares, increased anxiety or difficulty sleeping. If these symptoms persist, psychological counseling may help.

…and of course, our personal favorite.

Dr. Marks said it was also important for parents to follow their child’s lead. “If they are asking about the details of the pet’s death, it’s a sign that they want to talk about it,” she said. “They are looking for your comfort.”

For many children, it is also important to have a goodbye ritual. “Rituals around death are some of the most meaningful ways we have of recognizing someone’s life, but these ceremonies aren’t societally defined for pet death,” Dr. Marks said. Families can create their own rituals, like having a small memorial service, scattering the pet’s ashes, planting a remembrance tree or creating a photo album.

“This is a way to process the loss and to honor the role that the pet had in your family,” Dr. Marks said.

Complete Article HERE!

Posted on

What will your last words be?

Legacy therapy helps dying patients tell their stories

Storytelling can help terminally ill patients find closure. Linda Johnson and Brandi Snider share stories at Hinds Hospice in Fresno​.

By Sammy Caiola

[M]aureen Cleveland inhaled deeply as she recalled the scent of the fresh tomatoes that her father brought home each summer from the cannery where he worked. The thin 60-year-old woman, who’s battling late-stage breast cancer, talked for an hour in her Carmichael home, smiling almost constantly as she described picnic days with her family of seven and other scenes from her Bay Area childhood.

Visiting hospice chaplain Connie Johnstone listened intently from the foot of the bed, egging Cleveland on with questions and scribbling down the occasional quote.

Johnstone, who works for Kaiser Permanente in Sacramento, has studied the art of conversing with the dying. She calls it life review; others in her field call it legacy therapy or dignity therapy. The point is coaxing out a patient’s most intimate memories and threading them into one last story, often to be recorded for family and friends. For aging baby boomers and others struggling with terminal illnesses, the therapy offers a new way to ease the pain of facing death.

“It’s a real important thing to have a witness to one’s life toward the end,” Johnstone said in her slow, Southwestern drawl. “It’s to have it confirmed to us. If we say it, and we get to look at it again, it gives it substance, space, importance.”

Dignity therapy has gained traction in recent years as hospitals, hospice organizations and palliative care centers look for drug-free ways to pacify patients. It involves multiple 30- to 60-minute question-and-answer sessions, usually conducted by a psychologist, social worker or trained chaplain.

Dr. Nathan Fairman, a UC Davis palliative care psychiatrist who has written about interventions for the dying, said life review stands out from other types of talk therapy because it produces a concrete document that helps the patient reflect and find closure.

“The therapist draws out the parts of their story that have to do with meaning and purpose and relationships so that they can leave the legacy they want,” he said. “You’re looking for the themes that will focus the patient’s attention on the sources of meaning in their life.”

Surrounded by books and photographs in her house, Cleveland spends her remaining days reading, taking in sun from the backyard, watching her young nieces play and telling stories to whoever will listen, she said.

“I’m pretty social, so anyone who walks in here gets stuck talking to me,” Cleveland said during a recent visit. “You need to share what you know, or it’ll disappear.”

Johnstone chooses her questions wisely, often revisiting themes from previous sessions. She remembers little details about her patients’ lives — where they were born, how many children they have, their mothers’ names and occupations. The small talk helps her segue into more difficult topics, such as estranged family members or traumatic experiences.

While it’s usually too late for righting wrongs or seizing missed opportunities, speaking to a stranger can help patients accept the past and feel a sense of calm near the end, Johnstone said.

“Everybody carries some kind of regrets,” she said. “You can’t put the genie back in the bottle. Once you’ve brought something out, it can’t keep recycling in the same way.”

Many patients feel isolated toward the end of life, and are reluctant to lean on loved ones for help, Fairman said. Between 15 and 20 percent of terminally ill patients are diagnosed with major depression, according to the American Psychological Association.

In a clinical trial of 100 terminally ill patients who received dignity therapy, 68 said they felt an increased sense of purpose after the treatment and 47 said it increased their will to live. Eighty-one patients said the intervention was helpful to their families.

“They feel if they share too much with loved ones it will burden them, so they withhold sharing things,” Fairman said. “In a situation like that, it can be really helpful to have someone who is trained in really good listening skills, who can tolerate the suffering people experience when they get close to the end of life.”

Cleveland, who does not have children, hasn’t worked out exactly how she wants to be remembered yet, but with Johnstone’s help she’s piecing it together. During a recent session she brought up a story she hadn’t told in years — one that took place at a school lunch table, some time in the late 1960s.

“There was this family in the neighborhood and they were poor, and they had nothing to eat but ketchup soup,” she said. “I couldn’t believe it. So I shared some of my lunch with them. It was how we were raised. If someone needed something, that was it. You didn’t say no.”

Many years later, Cleveland became a representative for a produce packing company, regularly visiting Central Valley orchards to take inventory and question the farmers about workers’ living conditions.

“They were living in the worst slums you’ve ever seen,” Cleveland said. “I always got in trouble for asking about that, but I kept asking anyway.”

Johnstone kept scribbling. Cleveland explained how her career was interrupted by a Hodgkin’s lymphoma diagnosis in her 20s, and how she spent years as a caregiver for a sick sister, mother and aunt.

During the next session, the pair will paint a cover for Cleveland’s written story. The title word, they’ve decided, is “Survivor.”

“I’m seeing a connection here,” Johnstone said. “I think this is a source of a lot of your resilience.”

Technology has helped spread storytelling as a form of healing. StoryCorps, a nonprofit podcast network, launched its legacy initiative in 2010 to focus on people with serious illnesses. They visit hospitals and clinics throughout the U.S. to train providers on how to capture end-of-life conversations on cell phones. In California, the legacy project partners with Hinds Hospice in Fresno and the Zen Hospice Project at the University of California, San Francisco.

Perri Chinalai, director of community training for StoryCorps, said she believes storytelling helps build a bridge between patients and physicians that can ultimately improve care.

“This is an opportunity for people to talk about themselves outside of their diagnosis,” she said. “It allows for a more holistic understanding of who people are. … It could create a culture of storytelling that enhances the services.”

At Hinds Hospice, storytelling sessions are offered to all visitors, said community outreach liaison Jill McCarthy. Staff can conduct the interview sessions and use the StoryCorps app to archive stories in the Library of Congress’s American Folk Life Center.

Over the years, McCarthy and her staff have heard incredible stories, she said. She remembers an elderly pilot who described one of his first flights over Alaska, as well as an indigenous California man who wanted to record himself speaking in his native Mono language. But mostly, she works with families who just want to get to know a loved one better.

“If the person dies before they get to share their story, those stories go with them,” McCarthy said. “It’s a chance for families to talk about things they’ve never talked about before, to express what they mean to one another. They don’t have to be these grandiose things. It’s the little things that for generations have been handed down.”

Complete Article HERE!

Posted on

Dying at home: What I learned from my husband’s death

Dr. Donald Low, centre, confers in the lab at the Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care about the results of the Legionella outbreak at Seven Oaks Home for the Aged in 2005.

By Maureen Taylor

[T]he night my husband died, I slept beside his corpse in our bed. All night. This wasn’t exactly by choice: the funeral home did not retrieve bodies after 8 p.m., and there was no other bed available for me to sleep in, as all our children were home to help care for their father.

I tell this story whenever I discuss the realities of dying at home. Even as a physician assistant, I did not appreciate the challenges — or the immense rewards — of caring for my husband at home until his death.

According to a 2014 Harris/Decima survey, of those Canadians who express a preference for where they want to die, 75 per cent say they want to die at home, surrounded by loved ones. Interestingly, another Canadian study found that those loved ones aren’t quite as keen on the experience: half of the patients who said they wanted to die at home had family members who hoped the death would take place in an institution, like a palliative care unit. No matter: The majority (about 65 per cent) die in a hospital, which isn’t anybody’s first choice.

The palliative care and hospice community often use this data to advocate for more government funding of community supports, such as personal support workers, to help people die at home. And they’re right that home care and palliative care access is too uneven across Canada and in urgent need of more funding.

But what we don’t understand is how many of these hospitalizations at the end of life could be diverted with more nursing, more personal support workers, more respite for family caregivers. I believe that without better education around what’s involved in dying at home, extra resources won’t be enough.

Dying is messy. It shouldn’t have to be painful anymore, though in some cases, only deep sedation can relieve the worst pain. But pain aside, there is no getting around the progressive weakness, the loss of appetite, the fluctuating level of consciousness, the need for diapers or a catheter, and eventually, the shallow, laboured breathing. None of this has to be distressing for the patient, who can, if needed, be heavily drugged or even sedated. But it can be extremely distressing for family members to witness, and it can go on for days and, in some cases, weeks.

When I worked as a physician assistant in the emergency department, I saw many patients brought in by ambulance in those last stages of their disease. When I spoke to the family members, it was often clear they were overwhelmed by very predictable symptoms. But no one had laid it all out for them before. They weren’t looking for miracles — they accepted that death was inevitable — but they felt unprepared and untrained for the burden of watching their loved one struggle to breathe, to communicate, to just let go. Sometimes a spouse confessed that as the husband or wife’s death neared, they worried they’d always associate the home with the death. And so, they dialed 911.

How can we better support those family caregivers so that they don’t end up in the emergency department? Prepare them. Acknowledge the messiness of death. And obviously, provide palliative care resources.

In our house, I had a frank discussion with all the kids and even our cleaning lady: no matter how bad Don looked, no one was ever to call 911. I knew that if he was taken to hospital, he’d never come home again, and he’d die there. Our palliative care team had a binder that stayed on the kitchen counter, with Don’s Do Not Resuscitate order at the front. We had a nurse we could call if his symptoms weren’t being managed well. Don had opted for terminal sedation at the end: an induced coma, without food or fluids. The palliative care physician visited every few days to make sure the drugs were working, and to give us his best guess as to how much longer Don could go on like that.

I often see frail, elderly spouses who try to provide this care for their dying loved ones at home, and it wasn’t difficult to understand why they struggled. There’s no question that we were luckier than most families: I was relatively young, and we had the resources for me to stay at home and care for Don from the night they diagnosed his brain tumour until his death seven months later. Our children were incredibly strong and present, and we took turns doing even the most personal and intimate tasks for him.

Don had desperately wanted an assisted death, an option unavailable to him at the time. But if he had to die “naturally,” he told us, he’d prefer not to have strangers assisting him. In the end — only after Don was sedated, and with no small amount of guilt, we accepted help from those “strangers” to bathe him and turn him so he wouldn’t get bed sores.

There was so little comfort we could take in the fact of Don’s too-early terminal illness. But knowing that we helped him fulfil at least one of his wishes for his death — that he die at home — was comforting to us. And I thoroughly recommend it to other families if they can manage.

After Don died in my arms, all the kids came up to our bedroom and we surrounded him, breaking out his favourite scotch and sharing stories and memories. The palliative care doctor on call came to pronounce him dead and then I called the funeral home. And learned he’d be spending one more night beside me.

I’ll admit, it was weird. But as I pulled up the covers, I found they were mostly over on his side of the bed, and I smiled and looked over at his sweet face one last time. “Really Don? Hogging the covers, even in death?” And I slept soundly all night.

Complete Article HERE!

Posted on

Dying is happier than you think

[F]ear of death is a fundamental part of the human experience–we dread the possibility of pain and suffering and we worry that we’ll face the end alone. Although thinking about dying can cause considerable angst, new research suggests that the actual emotional experiences of the dying are both more positive and less negative than people expect.

The findings are published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science.

“When we imagine our emotions as we approach death, we think mostly of sadness and terror,” says psychological scientist Kurt Gray of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. “But it turns out, dying is less sad and terrifying–and happier–than you think.”

The research, which examined the writings of terminally ill patients and inmates on death row, suggests that we focus disproportionately on the negative emotions caused by dying, without considering the broader context of everyday life.

“Humans are incredibly adaptive – both physically and emotionally–and we go about our daily lives whether we’re dying or not,” Gray explains. “In our imagination, dying is lonely and meaningless, but the final blog posts of terminally ill patients and the last words of death row inmates are filled with love, social connection, and meaning.”

The positive emotions that come with this kind of meaning-making were exquisitely displayed in a recent Modern Love column, written by beloved children’s author Amy Krouse Rosenthal. Rosenthal, who died of ovarian cancer 10 days after her column was published in The New York Times, wrote with profound love and humor about finding someone to marry her husband after she died.

“The column was so touching because it was so positive, so filled with love and hope,” says Gray. “While such positivity seems strange in someone so near death, our work shows that it is actually fairly typical.”

Gray, his graduate student Amelia Goranson, and their co-authors Ryan Ritter, Adam Waytz, and Michael Norton started thinking about the emotional experience of dying when they came across the last words of death-row inmates in Texas, collected by the state’s Department of Justice. They were surprised by how upbeat the statements were, and wondered whether our feelings about death and dying might be clouded by our tendency to zero in on negative experiences.

In their first study, Gray and colleagues analyzed the emotional content of blog posts from terminally ill patients who were dying of either cancer or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS). To be included in the study, the blogs had to have at least 10 posts over at least 3 months and the author had to have died in the course of writing the blog. For comparison, the researchers asked a group of online participants to imagine that they had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and to write a blog post, keeping in mind that they had only a few months to live.

Using a computer-based algorithm, trained research assistant coders, and online participant coders, the researchers analyzed the actual and imagined blog posts for words that described negative and positive emotions, such as “fear,” “terror,” “anxiety,” “happiness,” and “love.”

The results revealed that blog posts from individuals who were terminally ill included considerably more positive emotion words and fewer negative emotion words than did those written by participants who simply imagined they were dying.

Looking at the patients’ blog posts over time, the researchers also found that their use of positive emotion words actually increased as they neared death, while their use of negative emotion words did not. These patterns held even after Gray and colleagues took the overall word count and number of blog posts into account, suggesting that the increase in positive emotion words was not simply due to the effects of writing over time.

In a second study, the researchers conducted similar analyses comparing the last words of inmates on death row with the poetry of death-row inmates and the imagined last words of another group of online participants.

Again, they found that the words of those who were actually close to death were less negative and more positive in emotional tone than the words of those who were not close to death.

Both the terminally ill patients and the inmates facing execution seemed to focus on things that help us make meaning of life, including religion and family, suggesting that such things may help to quell anxiety about death as it approaches.

Gray and his co-authors acknowledge that the findings may not apply to all people who are approaching death – it’s unclear whether individuals facing a great deal of uncertainty or those who die of old age express similarly positive emotions near the end of life.

Ultimately, the findings suggest that our expectations may not match the reality of dying, which has important implications for how we treat people who are dying.

“Currently, the medical system is geared toward avoiding death–an avoidance that is often motivated by views of death as terrible and tragic,” the researchers write in their paper. “This focus is understandable given cultural narratives of death’s negativity, but our results suggest that death is more positive than people expect: Meeting the grim reaper may not be as grim as it seems.”

Complete Article HERE!

Posted on

Why You Need a Health Care Proxy and How to Choose One

Taking this important step can make all the difference in a health crisis

By Debbie Reslock

[H]ow would you finish this sentence? “The end-of-life care I would want is …”

Would you want all possible measures taken? To be in a hospital or at home? Surrounded by family and friends? Once you’ve decided, now imagine arriving at an emergency room unable to speak or tell anyone what you want. If you haven’t chosen someone to express your wishes — a health care proxy (also known as a health care agent or a power of attorney for health care) — they may never be known.

According to The Conversation Project, co-founded by Pulitzer Prize-winning writer Ellen Goodman in collaboration with the Institute for Healthcare Improvement, half of those 65 and older ending up at the hospital are unable to speak for themselves. The organization has created a starter kit to help us talk about the care we’d want as well as a guide on how to choose a health care proxy.

Why You Need a Proxy

Dr. Javette Orgain has experienced up close what happens when a medical crisis hits and there’s no proxy. Orgain practices medicine at VITAS Healthcare in Chicago and is an associate professor at the University of Illinois-Chicago, department of family medicine.

It’s best for patients and their physicians to understand under what conditions a person wants to be resuscitated, be intubated or receive comfort care only.

“I’ve seen families argue over who should make the decisions and what those decisions should be,” Orgain says, adding that some have even ended up in the courts.

Stepping in with her sisters to fill the proxy role for their mother and aunt, Orgain says that as a doctor many decisions were deferred to her. But when it came time to choose who would make her end-of-life care decisions if she was unable, Orgain chose a lifelong friend. She knew there wouldn’t be the emotional pull her family might have that would shift them away from carrying out her wishes.

Choose the Right Person as a Health Care Proxy

It’s vital to find the person you can trust. Orgain says she’s witnessed what happens when a health care proxy doesn’t honor what was wanted.

“It’s the most harrowing of experiences when the proxy isn’t chosen well,” says Orgain. “In fact, choosing the right proxy is as important as having a proxy.”

When families haven’t had the conversation, they’re often left at the bedside of their ill loved one with many factors pushing on them, says Dr. Jessica Zitter, who practices critical and palliative care at Highland Hospital in Oakland, Calif., and authored the book Extreme Measures: Finding a Better Path to the End of Life.

“There can often be a push to keep people alive on a machine. If the family doesn’t know what would be wanted, we try to support them as substitute or surrogate decision makers, but it’s very stressful and painful for them,” Zitter says.

How to Choose the Best Health Care Proxy

When choosing someone to be your voice, here are a few questions The Conversation Project recommends considering:

  1. Will they be able to make decisions for you, even if their own wishes are different from yours?
  2. Will their emotional connection to you get in the way of making decisions on your behalf?
  3. Will they stand up for you?
  4. Will they be comfortable asking questions of busy doctors and other providers?
  5. Will they ask for clarification if the answer or situation isn’t understood?
  6. Will they be able to make decisions in changing situations?

From Doctor to Patient

Dr. Janet Sollod in San Francisco has seen what can happen in a medical situation from both the physician and patient side. Diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago and now no longer practicing, she found herself able to navigate confusing waters only because of her medical knowledge.

When it came time to name her own health care proxy, she knew what was important.

“I wanted someone who could ask questions and not just say ‘Yes, doctor,’” Sollod says, “or if I’m unconscious, to ask the doctors why they’re doing this test and not that one.” She wanted a proxy with a medical background. But even though her father is a physician, she knew it would be too hard for him. “It’s just too close to home,” she says.

So along with her mother, Sollod chose two close friends: one as an advocate and the other with strong medical knowledge who will ask the right questions. What she wants is for the three of them to make the best decisions together.

(The Conversation Project cautions, however, that it is generally not advisable to name more than one person to be a proxy, because if they disagree on a difficult decision, things could get complicated. You should, however, always name an alternate proxy in case your first choice becomes unavailable.)

Sollod cautions that the proxy doesn’t have to be a family member. “It might be a close friend who knows what you want,” she says. “And don’t feel bad about offending anyone. This is your life and it’s your decision.”

Put It on Paper

Having the conversations is the first step. But you’re not finished with the task of appointing a health care proxy until you put it in writing.

You will make the designation by filling out the health care proxy document. In an advance directive, you outline your wishes for health care should you be unable to speak for yourself.

You may be able to do this with one form, which you can complete without an attorney. You may need witnesses, however. Find your state’s advance directive by going to the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization’s CaringInfo.

Looking Ahead

Unfortunately, even when people have the conversation, they can still end up on what Zitter calls the end-of-life conveyor belt. Featured in the documentary, Extremis, Zitter is shown talking to a woman with the same genetic disease her father and sister died from. The woman told her brother she wanted to die at home and yet she still ended up in the intensive care unit on a breathing machine.

It’s best for patients and their physicians to understand under what conditions a person wants to be resuscitated, be intubated or receive comfort care only. But we need to get the message out, too, that more treatment is not necessarily better, Zitter says.

There’s also the phenomenon of what she calls “the sister who flew in from the coast.” Leaving your loved one to make the decision when that person is so fragile and emotional usually means that if anyone questions it, they’ll most likely shift to prolonging life, even if that requires using machines that the person didn’t want. In fact, Zitter says, the default family and medical decision is usually to keep the heart beating.

Boomers Leading the Way

We’re making progress in talking more openly about our end-of-life decisions. Goodman is optimistic that boomers will continue to play a part.

“They changed the way we looked at birth and they’ll change the way we look at death and how we die,” she says.

We need to sit at the kitchen table and have these conversations, Goodman says, and then we need to bring it into the medical institutions. Notes Goodman: “It wasn’t a doctor who changed the way we viewed births, it was us. We said this isn’t just a medical experience, it’s a human experience. Dying needs to be seen that way too.”

Complete Article HERE!

Posted on

A good life eases pain of parting

Krissi Goetz

By Krissi Goetz

[T]he day this column hits print marks one year since my first and very beloved dog took his last breath.

He was a remarkable dog for many reasons, the most notable his determination. He not only showed me what marvelous company a dog could be but pointed me down a path in life. Thanks to him, improving the lives of dogs — and their people — is my mission.

So it was everyone’s first guess, including my own, that I would be reduced to shambles after his death. But strangely enough, I was OK.

Don’t get me wrong. It was heartbreaking, and I’m still brought to tears even thinking about him. But his passing was, for me, just about the best I could hope for.

I had a good idea of what a good death looked like, and that’s how it happened. He’d had a long and full life, and I had lots of time to see the end coming and prepare. I did everything I could to help him be comfortable and happy. He showed me when it was time, and luckily it was a beautiful day when it happened. I had weeks to convey to him how much he meant to me, to thank him for all he had done. And I was right next to him when he died, the vet helping him along as he lay in the grass at the farm on a spectacular spring day. It wasn’t perfect, but pretty close.

Of course, what’s an ideal passing depends on who you are asking. Everyone has a different idea of what a good death looks like. But it’s certainly worth thinking about so that when the time does come you have an idea of what would be best for you and your beloved friend.

Indeed, our animals can have clear wishes. While I was fortunate to have another dog pass similarly to my first, my calico cat was a different story. A fierce little creature, she was unlikely be pleased to see the vet — or have anyone suggest she was dying, for that matter. When she stopped eating due to cancer at 15, I arranged my life so I could be by her side at all hours. She seemed to appreciate that. After a week of my carrying her to lay out in the autumn sunshine and back inside to lay in bed, she died in my arms. It was, again, just about perfect.

Nonetheless, after letting my cat choose her own time, I felt similarly to when my dogs had died. It’s hard to put into words. Saddened, of course, yet also perhaps content. With few regrets. Perhaps I wasn’t as devastated as I thought I’d be because I’d had enough time before their death to prepare and adjust, and it went as I’d hoped.

The rituals that surround death also play a part in grieving, and here, too, we all have our own. Many people bury their beloved animals, others choose cremation. A friend of mine shared photos of the pyre she built for her dog, a stunningly beautiful creation. Our individual rituals surrounding a death can help immensely during a difficult time.

Of course, having a dog’s passing go smoothly may not happen. You can’t always be lucky. Sometimes our dogs die unexpectedly. Sometimes you aren’t there. I’ve had that happen, too, and find that harder.

Two months after I began fostering a special young dog he was killed out on a walk with someone else. I was understandably a mess. But a couple of aspects kept coming back to me: He died instantly. He did not die alone and scared in a shelter. And right before he left on that walk I had taken a moment to give him my attention and convey to him that I loved him. Isn’t it funny that nearly 15 years later I can still remember that detail? That was my biggest consolation after his death: that he knew he was loved.

Maybe what really helps make a good death is a good life. Ensuring our dogs have a full and rich daily existence and that they know they are loved may be the best way to finding yourself with few regrets, regardless of how they leave us. I do my best to find time every day to do something with my dogs that we really enjoy, to be aware of and appreciate them and to incorporate little daily rituals to convey to them they are loved. So while what a good death looks like is certainly something to think about sometimes, what a good life looks like is something to think about each and every day.

Complete Article HERE!

Posted on

Laid to Rest at Home

How to Plan a Home Memorial Service for Your Departed Loved One

[H]aving a memorial for a loved one after their passing is an important part of the grieving process. It’s a time to honor them, share memories with family and friends, and say goodbye. Some families find that there’s no better place to hold this personal event than at home, but knowing exactly where to start the planning process — especially amid the grief of a loss — can feel overwhelming.

This guide will help you plan a beautiful, meaningful home memorial service for a recently departed loved one. Proceed with patience and plenty of support. With a little time and the right planning, you can hold a service that will allow your family to come together and say goodbye.

Choosing a kind of service: Memorials vs. Funerals

The services and items you’ll need in planning a home memorial will vary depending on the kind of service you’ll have. Your loved one may have left instruction on their final arrangements, but if not there are two main options: memorials and funerals.

Memorial
Memorials usually involve a group of family and friends coming together to mourn the loss of a loved one. There may be photos of the departed, flowers, and at least one eulogy, often from a surviving spouse, parent, or sibling. Some families also choose to have a religious or spiritual figure speak. The loved one is typically represented by a large photo, collection of photos, wreath, or if they’ve been cremated, their urn.

Food and drink are often incorporated into memorials, and can be organized in just about any format that works for you and your loved ones. Some memorials will offer light refreshments like water, coffee, crackers, cheese, and mini sandwiches. In other cases, the memorial is a potluck where family and friends are invited to bring a dish to share. Alcohol isn’t required, but it’s commonly offered — typically a basic wine selection is sufficient. Leftovers stay with the host or are given to the immediate family of the deceased (if the memorial is held at someone else’s home). For large memorials, it might be worth the expense to hire a caterer to provide finger foods, utensils, and drinks.

The location of the memorial within the house is entirely up to you; one convenience of a home memorial is that you can tailor it to be exactly how you want. Some families even choose to have a backyard service if the weather permits. The living room, den, or formal dining room are all good options, but ultimately it will depend on the space available in the house. You’ll need adequate room for your guests to chat amongst themselves before and after the service, seating for the formal eulogy or service, and places for people to set their food and drinks. Finally, there should be some kind of a dedicated space where the speakers will be clearly seen and heard, usually close to the visual representation of the deceased loved one.

Seating doesn’t necessarily have to be anything formal — though you can rent extra chairs if you have the space and finances to do so — and many people manage by bringing all the chairs in the home to the memorial space. Neighbors and other nearby family and friends will likely be able to bring over extra chairs if needed. Arrange them facing the speakers’ area, and do your best to leave clear pathways for guests.

Flowers are somewhat traditional for memorials, but can be quite expensive. A floral wreath with your loved one’s photo is often more than enough to create a beautiful and personal tribute and won’t cost too much, especially if multiple family members pitch in. If you do choose to buy additional floral displays, don’t be afraid to deviate from the normal white arrangements. A home memorial allows you to really personalize the experience, so consider choosing types and colors of flowers that will bring happy memories of your loved one: the peonies your mother carried on her wedding day, tulips the color of your brother’s prized ’67 Mustang, or the roses your grandmother grew in her garden, for example. Keep in mind that though they make a lovely addition to a home memorial, flowers are completely optional — often those that are sent by loved ones with condolences are enough to create the desired effect.

Another option in lieu of flowers is to collect money and donate to a charity that was near and dear to the deceased one’s heart. This donation can be made in the memory of the person who died to honor a cause that was meaningful to them. People often, most of the time actually, like to have those who would buy flowers donate to a nonprofit organization of their choice. This is often in memory of the person who died or even a cause that was near and dear to the deceased one’s life,

Large memorials may require a more advanced sound system. Some families like to play their loved one’s favorite songs (the volume level really depends on the tone of your memorial, but usually you’ll opt for the quiet side) or other calming music to soothe their guests before the service. Having a microphone and speaker set-up will make it easier for your eulogists to be heard, and even better if you have some kind of podium or raised step for them to stand on.

If finances are tight, you’ll likely be able to find a neighbor, family member, or friend who will have access to equipment you can borrow. Don’t be afraid to ask around; your loved ones will be hoping to lend a hand at this difficult time, so let them.

A funeral will require all the same considerations as a memorial, with the addition of handling the viewing. You’ll need to coordinate with a funeral home (to help prepare the body) and cemetery (for the burial) directly after your loved one’s passing; you don’t have to make any final planning decisions right away, but letting them know your situation and potential needs ahead of time can save you some time and stress later. Additionally, you’ll need to consider how much space you’ll need for the casket within your home memorial space.

Traditionally, families have purchased caskets directly from a funeral home or casket showroom, but options have increased in the last couple decades. Shop wisely, but don’t get too caught up in worrying about finding the “perfect” one. Your loved one wouldn’t want you to fret over it, and no one at the memorial will be focused on anything but their grief.

Though there are some individual facilities that handle body embalming and preparation, many families choose to work with a funeral home for these arrangements. You’ll need to provide an outfit for your loved one to be laid to rest in and any specific grooming details (hair styling, lip color, painted nails, etc). The funeral home will also request photos to use as reference so that the departed appears as natural as possible.

You should contact the funeral home soon after the passing of your loved one so as to keep the remains properly preserved. Determine a clear schedule and discuss plans for transportation. Make sure you’ll have the necessary assistance to physically move your loved one to and from your home, and clear a path through the house to make transport easier. Plan to have your loved one arrive half an hour to an hour early; you’ll want everything else to be set up so that you can direct the funeral home workers and troubleshoot any issues quickly.

You’ll also need to talk to the funeral home about what will happen to the remains after the memorial. If they will be buried within a few days of the funeral, the facility may agree to hold the remains until then and help transport them to the cemetery. Planning a burial service with the cemetery (and coordinating with the funeral home) will be a completely separate process, but you should plan on keeping the cemetery informed of all final arrangements. If your loved one opted for cremation, funeral home employees may pick up the remains after the memorial and take them directly to be cremated.

Seeking Additional Help
One of the most important parts of planning a home memorial is asking for help. Again, those close to you will be eager to help out in any way that they can, but often it’s enlisting their assistance in the smallest tasks that makes the biggest difference. If trusted family and friends are offering to provide child care or meals while you plan the memorial, accept it. If neighbors offer to help pick up family from the airport while you meet with the funeral home director, say yes. You’ll be able to focus on your planning and be more effective, and that accomplished feeling will likely help you relax more in your downtime.

Family and friends are extremely helpful when it comes to referrals, so ask around about funeral homes, cremation specialists, caterers, and florists. If you don’t have a necessary item for the memorial — like a podium for the eulogists or an easel for a photo display — ask friends, neighbors, and nearby relatives if they have anything that will suffice. It might be helpful to plan as much as you can, then create a master list of everything you still need and send it to loved ones who may be able to help. Emailing tends to be the preferred method of communication, but for quicker conversations it might be better to opt for a group text with specific loved ones who can pass on the information to others.

Social media is another helpful way to not only reach out to loved ones for help, but also keep everyone informed about the memorial. Creating an event or memorial page on Facebook can be a constant point of reference for friends and family no matter how far away they are. Most families elect a designated loved one to post updates and respond to questions, ideally someone with social media and tech savvy.

It’s important to remember that depending on the situation and the loss, there will be some people you should avoid burdening with favors. The spouse, children, and parents should be asked to do as little as possible outside of voluntary involvement; don’t shut them out of the planning process if they want to contribute, but be willing and prepared to help them make some of the major decisions as needed. If there is some kind of written document (be it a will or other personal document) that details your loved one’s final arrangements and wishes, ask to have access to it while you plan the memorial so you don’t have to constantly ask questions.

The truth is, planning a memorial for someone you love is never easy. Holding the event at home can make the grieving process feel less detached and allow for a much more personal experience. Keep in mind throughout the process that no minor detail, be it the material of the casket or the number of flowers, is worth fretting over. Putting your loved one to rest is about so much more than the physical details, so channel your energy into creating a loving environment for everyone to say goodbye.

Complete Article HERE!