Tag: Conscious Living

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Death Is A Hard Sell

I had a very interesting weekend. On Saturday, June 2nd, I attended a day long event at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center. The program was titled: Moving Beyond Cancer to Wellness.

It was a great program full of interesting workshops. There was also a small vendors area. A bunch of cancer-related agencies set up tables and on them they displayed their brochures for the programs and support they offer people living with cancer.

I thought this would be the ideal setting for networking with other like-minded folks, so when I visited each of the vendors I introduced myself and proudly handed the person at the table a copy of my book. The reactions were nearly always negative or at least alarm. Once the person saw the title, The Amateur’s Guide To Death and Dying; Enhancing the End of Life, the smiles that greeted me when I first approached the table soon turned to dismay. Their reaction to the book was as if I had handed them something disgusting.

It was immediately clear to me that bringing a book about death and dying to a cancer survival event was a huge faux pas. Despite my protestations that the work their agency was doing and the information in my book were very much alike. The only difference being their outreach is disease-specific, while my book is about mortality. I wasn’t able to convince them.

So ok, I get it. Death is a hard sell to the disease-specific crowd. Apparently contemplating one’s mortality, even when it is staring us in the face is not the politically correct thing to do. But why is that? Facing our mortality doesn’t undercut a person’s commitment to fighting his/her disease process. I contend that consciously facing the prospect of life’s end really helps put our effort in fighting a disease into perspective.

Curiously enough the reaction I got from the other participants at the Moving Beyond Cancer to Wellness event was much different from that of the vendors. I think most people who encounter their mortality through a disease process, like cancer, know, deep down inside, that this could be the beginning of the end. Why else would people react as they do when they get a diagnosis?

The other participants at the event, the ones I showed my book to, had a much less phobic reaction to it. I contend that this is because they’ve already put themselves there, at death’s door. This sort of takes a lot of the sting out of death.

Were they any more enthusiastic about taking a long hard look at their own mortality? Probably not. But then again, they weren’t as resistant to the idea as were the ostensibly well people manning the vender tables.

I try to imagine what things would be like if we all were encouraged to examine the end of our life, much in the same way as women are encouraged to do a periodic breast self-exam. I mean, examining one’s breast for lumps, or other abnormalities doesn’t increase your risk for breast cancer, right? Neither does facing one’s mortality in a conscious, upfront way hasten death.

Finally, on Sunday I met with a young couple for their weekly couple’s counseling session. Once we were all settled in, I handed them a copy of my book. (I just love watching people’s reactions.) The young man spoke first. “That’s a bit scary.” He said after he read the title. “Scary, I mean for the people who need this book.” I replied, “I suppose it is. But you know what’s even scarier? Not thinking about the end of life before it’s too late. I mean, are you certain that you’re not among those who need this book? Are you certain that you will live to see the end of the day?”

Death is a hard sell in our death-denying culture. Yet, each of the people I encountered this past weekend will, in time, face the end of their life. That’s a given. The big question is; will they have the time or even the inclination to face their mortality in a way that will enrich their lives as they live it to the end?

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Last Laugh

Comedian Alexei Sayle produced this short video, entitled “Last Laugh,” to help people confront attitudes about terminal illness.

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Watch ‘Dying to Know’

‘Dying to Know’, a drama about the difficulties and benefits of talking about end of life wishes, received a rapturous and emotional reception at the Cannes Film Festival today (Friday 25 May).

The 30-minute film, which was selected for the short films category at the Palais des Festivals, was produced and directed for Dying Matters by pFlix Films. Leon Ancliffe, managing director of pFlix Films, said: “We could have filled the room twice over. It was jammed, with people sitting on the floor. It was brilliantly received. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. It’s overwhelming how well it went down.”

‘Dying to Know’, which aims to prompt conversations about death and dying, was commissioned by Dying Matters in partnership with Earl Mountbatten Hospice on the Isle of Wight. It began life as a theatre play, written by Helen Reading, director of the Red Tie Theatre on the Isle of Wight, and was turned into a film starring the original cast following a successful UK tour.

Leon said: “The actors and actresses from the original play pulled out all the stops and took to the screen with ease, giving brilliant performances. The script is heart-rending, uncovering the raw emotions and difficult conversations that encompass an impending bereavement, with humour, tact and grace.”

“We’re extremely proud of this opportunity to encourage more people to talk about death, dying and bereavement and hope that the film can go some small way to easing what can be an extremely difficult time.”

‘Dying to Know’ was filmed entirely on location in the Isle of Wight and featured many local residents as extras. A trailer of the film was shown at the Dying Matters Awareness Week launch event earlier this year before its world première on the island in April.

Complete Article HERE!

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My New Book…what you need to know

Dear friends and colleagues

I am pleased to announce the publication of my new book The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying: Enhancing The End Of Life.

(Click on the book art below for a synopsis and to purchase the book.)

The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying is specifically designed for terminally ill, chronically ill, elder, and dying people from all walks of life. But concerned family and friends, healing and helping professionals, lawyers, clergy, teachers, students, and those grieving a death will also benefit from reading the book.

The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying is a workbook that offers readers a unique group/seminar format. Readers participate in a virtual on-the-page support group consisting of ten other participants. Together members of the group help each other liberate themselves from the emotional, cultural, and practical problems that accompany dying in our modern age.

The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying helps readers dispel the myth that they are incapable of taking charge during the final season of life. Readers face the prospect of life’s end within a framework of honesty, activity, alliance, support, and humor. And most importantly readers learn these lessons in the art of dying and living from the best possible teachers, other sick, elder, and dying people.

The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying engages readers with a multitude of life situations and moral dilemmas that arise as they and their group partners face their mortality head on.

The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying offers readers a way to share coping strategies, participate in meaningful dialogue, and take advantage of professional information tailored to their specific needs. Topics include spirituality, sexuality and intimacy, legal concerns, final stages, and assisted dying. The book does not take an advocacy position on any of these topics. It does, however, advocate for the holistic self-determination of sick, elder, and dying people, which can only be achieved when they have adequate information.

Facing your mortality with the kind of support The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying offers does not eliminate the pain and poignancy of separation. Rather it involves confidently facing these things and living through them to the end.

This innovative workbook on death and dying is now available on Amazon and in bookstores. I welcome your thoughts, comments, and reviews.

All the best,
Richard

Richard Wagner, Ph.D.
richard@theamateursguide.com
Our website: The AmateursGuide.com
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Buy the book HERE!

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On The Cutting Edge, Part 2

More about how The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying: Enhancing The End of Life is on the cutting edge of death and dying work. What follows also comes from from the book’s introduction. Part 1 HERE!

 

 

My Check-In
Each week our group session begins with an opportunity to check-in. This provides each participant a chance to share his or her weekly progress with the rest of us. In the “My Check-In” section that follows, you’ll be offered that same opportunity. You’ll also be able to respond to the previous week’s issues and talk about key events of your past week.

My Turn
Each week we’ll tackle a specific issue: spirituality, legal concerns, early messages about death, etc. You’ll sample the discussion of your fellow participants as they come to grips with their own fears and anxieties. In the “My Turn” section that follows, you’ll be offered an opportunity to join the discussion. You’ll have plenty of opportunity to detail your thoughts and inner dialogue, and respond to the other group members and to our speakers.

Exercises and At Home Work
Each chapter contains creative exercises to further your involvement in the particular subject being addressed. You’ll be able to join the other participants as they tackle these thought-provoking exercises right along with you.

Each chapter also contains an “At Home Work” section, where you will be presented with an activity that is designed to keep you engaged in the process all week long. It will also prepare you for the following week’s topic.

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS
Here are a few suggestions on how to enhance your involvement in this process. First, walk through the process step-by-step just as it’s presented. A great deal of thought has gone into producing this program. It is tried and true. It moves from one topic to another in a specific order, each week building on the week before. In order for the process to work, you’ll want to allow yourself plenty of time and space to not only read through each chapter, but also to complete each exercise and homework assignment.

One of the best ways to stay involved in this program is by keeping a personal journal. This will serve as your own personal compass throughout the process.

This workbook is only able to provide you with a limited amount of space for your reflections and comments, so you may want to keep an extra pad of paper handy for jotting down all your thoughts, observations, and questions that may not fit on the page provided.

If you find writing or typing on a computer keyboard difficult, you might want to consider the option of keeping an audio or video journal. Either way, by the time you complete this workbook, you will have a valuable legacy that you’ll be able to share with others.

Even though The Amateur’s Guide provides you with a ten-person, on-the-page support group, there is no substitute for live human interaction. In light of this, you may wish to invite a friend or family member or maybe even a group of like-minded people to join you in this process.

If you work with a partner or a group, you’ll want to read aloud the check-in and discussion portions of each chapter and then, after completing that week’s exercises and homework assignments, you could share your responses with each other. This is an ideal way to break open a healthy conversation on what it means to die wisely and well.

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The Archbishop of York and Assisted Dying

COMMENTARY (Campaign for Dignity in Dying)

The Archbishop of York has been talking about the medicalisation of dying and that, as a society, we seem to have lost the ability to prepare for the end in the Telegraph. On this I agree. More does need to be done around ensuring we are as involved as possible in our deaths, this could include making an Advance Decision and making sure you’ve discussed them with your healthcare team and family.

However, what I do have issue with is the way he implies that assisted dying in the UK would be an alternative to good quality care. We campaign for the legalization of assisted dying as a safeguarded choice for terminally ill adults who meet strict criteria – it would not be available as an option for disabled or chronically ill adults who wanted to end their life, nor would it be an alternative to – or negatively impact on – supportive and palliative care.

Evidence from Oregon, where assisted dying for terminally ill adults with mental capacity was legalized in 1997, demonstrates that lack of palliative care is not a motivation for requesting assisted dying. Nearly 100% of patients who have had an assisted death were enrolled in hospice care at the time of their death and reasons for wanting assistance to die focus on autonomy and quality of life issues, rather than pain control and feeling like a burden on family. Importantly in Oregon, there has been no negative impact on end-of-life care in general and hospice care continues to get better and Oregon is fifth in terms of access and spread of hospices.

Similarly, in 2011 the European Association for Palliative Care produced a research report which concluded that palliative care in countries with legalised assistance to die practices (primarily the Netherlands and Belgium, both of which practice voluntary euthanasia for terminally and chronically ill patients – which is wider than what Dignity in Dying campaigns for) is no less well developed than in comparator countries where there is no such legislation.

The argument that the Archbishop makes about celebrating and living life to the full and that a good death is also part of a good life do not run counter to the arguments for assisted dying. Allowing safeguarded choice on the end of your life if you have a terminal illness means allowing peace of mind and control over your situation and allowing you emotional comfort in your last weeks or months (in Oregon approximately 40% of patients who request assisted dying, pass the safeguards and get the life-ending medication do not take the medication – rather they see it as an emotional insurance).

So, whilst the general statements by the Archbishop around needing to embrace the dying process as a necessary part of life are to be applauded, perhaps he needs to check the facts before making statements about the impact of assisted dying on quality of care. Many people talk about death and dying because they talk about assisted dying. Rather than attacking those who support a change, those strongly opposed should acknowledge common-ground and seek to work together for much needed improvements.

Complete Article HERE!

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On The Cutting Edge

I’m receiving a lot of email asking me about The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying: Enhancing The End of Life. My correspondents want to know what makes this book different from the myriad other books on the topic. The best way to explain is to quote from the introduction of the book.

I’ll be posting more about this in coming days. Thank you for your interest.

 

 

USING THIS WORKBOOK*
If you are reading this book you already know that our society has an enormous death taboo and that few opportunities exist for sick, elder and dying people to connect with others in a purposeful way. You probably also know that instead of taking a lead role in orchestrating our finales, we are expected to be unobtrusive, dependent on the care of others and wait passive-ly and patient-ly for the curtain to fall.

Well, you can kiss that unhealthy mentality goodbye right now. The Amateur’s Guide to Death and Dying is, as its title suggests, an interactive workbook for enhancing the end of life. It is designed to help you reclaim your dignity and dispel the myth that sick, elder, and dying people are unable to take charge during their final season of life.

The Amateur’s Guide offers you a way to face your mortality within a framework of honesty, activity, alliance, support, and humor. And most importantly, instead of having some well-meaning “expert” lecture you on how to think and feel, you’ll be learning how to navigate through this new territory from the best possible teachers available – other people just like you.

The most exceptional aspect of this workbook is its format. The Amateur’s Guide is modeled on a remarkably successful 10-week program developed by PARADIGM Programs Inc., a nonprofit organization in San Francisco. You will be included in an on-the-page support group, which simulates participation in an actual PARADIGM group.

The Amateur’s Guide offers practical information on the nuts and bolts of successfully living one’s dying. As in our real-life groups, you will be exposed to authentic life situations that arise when people consciously face their mortality in our death-negative society.

You will gain insight and perspective into a myriad of issues related to dying in this modern age. In addition, six dynamic speakers will present you with important and timely information that is full of humor and compassion.

All of this is designed to help make the end of life less of an intimidating process and more of a rich, poignant transition.

You’ll find everything you need, right here, to be an active participant in this process.

* From Getting Started, the introduction to The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying: Enhancing The End of Life