It’s best to be honest and straightforward while remaining age-appropriate
When someone dies, it’s hard enough to deal with your own grief. But how on earth are you supposed to help your child through it, as well?
Pediatric psychologist Kate Eshleman, PsyD, talks about how to explain death to a child, including age-appropriate ways to discuss the concept of death and dying, and how to tell when your child needs a little bit of extra help from a mental health professional.
Why is explaining death to your child so hard?
There’s no getting around it: It’s emotionally grueling to tell your child that someone they knew or loved has died, and it’s not a task that any parent looks forward to. Plus, the difficulty is compounded by your own grief, as well as by your concerns about how to break the news, what your child will understand and whether you’ll be able to answer their questions.
“With death, often there’s either a long, drawn-out illness or a sudden, tragic event with no time for us to prepare,” Dr. Eshleman says. “When we’re struggling to cope, we anticipate that it will also be difficult to tell our children. We care about them, and we think they’re going to be upset, and we want to protect them from that.”
How to explain death to your child
Death is a part of life, so it’s important to help your child become accustomed to the idea that people (and pets) sometimes die.
“It’s something all around us and that kids will be exposed to,” Dr. Eshleman says, “but based on their age and development, kids will have varying understandings of what that means, including the permanency of it and associated factors, like whether it’s scary.”
Here’s the truth: Nothing will make it easy to talk to your child about death. But there are some guidelines you can follow that will help you explain what has happened in compassionate, understandable and age-appropriate ways.
1. Be straightforward in your explanations
You may be inclined to soften the concept of death with euphemisms, but it’s best to be forthright and specific (while remaining age-appropriate).
If you just say that Grandpa is “gone,” for example, kids wonder: Where did he go? When is he coming home? Is it the same as when mom goes to work during the day? “That ambiguousness causes distress,” Dr. Eshleman notes, “so it’s important to use the actual words.”
The same is true of the lead-up to death. Let’s say Grandpa is terminally ill. Instead of just saying, “Grandpa is sick,” instead try, “Grandpa is sick with a kind of cancer. The medicine isn’t working anymore, and his body is tired of fighting. We think he will die soon.”
“You don’t want them to think that every time they or someone they love gets sick, they’re going to die,” Dr. Eshleman says, “so you want to be as specific with that labeling as you can.”
2. Honesty is the best policy
While you shouldn’t go into any gory or distressing details, always try to tell your child the facts while also using terms they can understand. “We always want to tell the truth in a developmentally appropriate way,” Dr. Eshleman says.
Remember that kids also hear information from the outside world, whether it’s online or from a classmate. The last thing you want is for your child to come home from school and tell you, “Johnny on the bus said that when you die, your body goes into the ground, but that’s not what you said!”
By telling your child the truth, even when it’s difficult or painful, you maintain their trust and your authority.
3. Ask and answer questions
Kids are naturally inquisitive and likely to have questions about death. Try to answer them using the guidelines above: honestly and in age-appropriate ways, using factual language and avoiding flowery euphemisms.
You can ask them questions, too. “It’s good to start conversations with open-ended questions,” Dr. Eshleman advises. “You can ask, ‘What do you think is going on with Grandpa?’ or ‘Where do you think Grandpa went?’”
Questions like “Is there anything on your mind?” and “Do you have any concerns?” help you ensure that your child understands what’s happening. It also gives you the chance to clear up any misunderstandings and address their worries.
And if your kid doesn’t want to talk, that’s also OK. “Don’t force them to engage in conversations they’re not ready or able to have, but do offer the opportunities,” Dr. Eshleman says.
4. Prepare them for upcoming rituals
Tell your kids what comes next so they know what to expect, You might say, for example, “We’re going to go to the funeral home. There are going to be a lot of people there. Many people might be crying, and lots of people that you don’t know are going to come and talk to you.”
You can also explain what they’ll see there (for example, flowers, a casket, the body of the deceased) and what people may be doing (for example, crying, hugging, talking, praying) to help them understand what’s to come.
5. Let kids make decisions
Telling kids what’s about to happen also allows them to choose how and whether to participate. Not sure what age is too young to attend a funeral? There’s no right or wrong answer. After you’ve told them what to expect, you can even let them decide for themselves.
“Again, we don’t want to force a child to do anything that they don’t want to do,” Dr. Eshleman emphasizes. “It’s about preparing them in advance and then following their lead.”
The same is true throughout every step of the process. If there’s an open casket, for example, they may not wish to see the body and may even want to stay in another room, or they may want to visit the casket and kiss Grandpa goodbye. Let your child decide for themselves.
6. Meld your faith with the facts
If your family is religious, incorporate your beliefs into the way you talk about death while also clearly and concretely explaining what’s happening.
“You may say, for example, ‘We’re going to go to Grandpa’s funeral, and then they’ll put his body in the ground, which is where it will stay — but his spirit is in heaven,’ or whatever is consistent with your family’s beliefs,” Dr. Eshleman suggests.
7. Try not to project your emotions onto your kids
Have you ever been to a funeral home where adults are crying and hugging while little kids laugh and play nearby? It can feel jarring, but it’s actually an understandable response for children to have.
In the simplest of terms, adults have more life experience than kids do, which means we can’t expect little ones to know or understand everything we do — including social cues and emotional responses.
“As adults, we have certain thoughts, feelings and associations that we often project onto kids,” Dr. Eshleman explains. “Even when everyone else is grieving, kids may not feel the same way. It’s not always a time of sadness for them.”
8. Let them feel their feelings
Speaking of sadness, though, here’s an important reminder: “When something sad happens, it’s appropriate to feel sad,” Dr. Eshleman reiterates. For kids, that can manifest in behaviors like:
It’s important to keep an eye on your kids to make sure these responses don’t continue indefinitely. But don’t put the kibosh on them right away. In the aftermath of a loss, it’s natural for kids to express their sadness.
It can be helpful for kids to see you feeling your feelings, too. It’s OK — and even healthy — to let children witness your emotional responses. Saying, for example, “I’m crying because I’m feeling sad. I loved Grandpa very much, and I’m sad that he’s gone,” shows kids that it’s normal to feel and express a range of emotions.
9. Make them feel safe
When someone dies under tragic or violent circumstances, it can be even harder to make sense of what to tell kids. And there’s the added layer of wanting to ensure that they feel protected from harm.
“The truth is, there are a lot of things we can’t control, from mass shootings to the pandemic, and we can’t always keep our kids safe,” Dr. Eshleman notes, “but it’s important to discuss the ways they are safe and the ways that we continue to try to keep them safe.”
10. Keep talking about their loved one
Talking about the person who died can help both you and your child cope with grief, whether through telling stories, looking at pictures or just continuing to mention them in small ways.
“Let’s say you’re at the grocery store, and you pick up a box of cereal,” Dr. Eshleman posits. “You can say, ‘Oh, this was Grandpa’s favorite kind,’ or, ‘Remember the last time you had your friend over and you had this for breakfast?’”
“Sometimes, people are afraid of bringing up people who have died because they don’t want to make others sad,” she continues, “but it’s OK to feel sad. Continue to talk about loved ones who have died instead of avoiding it.”
11. Ask for help and consider mental health resources
You don’t have to cope alone, and you don’t have to help your kid cope alone, either. If you’re having trouble figuring out what to say or how to deal, ask others for help.
“Never be afraid to run it by your child’s pediatrician or your own primary care doctor or even your friends, just to get their input and feedback,” Dr. Eshleman says.
And if your child seems to be having an especially difficult time after a loss, those same medical professionals can weigh in on how to get them the extra support they need.
At what age should you explain death to your child?
There’s no age too young to tell your child that someone they knew or loved has died. Again, honesty is the best policy. But Dr. Eshleman reiterates how important it is to speak to your kids on their level, in terms they can comprehend.
“It’s very important to meet each child where they are, developmentally,” she says. “Ask the child what they know and what they understand, then follow their lead.”
Ultimately, she adds, kids are incredibly resilient. “If we do our best to support them before, during and after a loss, it’s likely that they are going to come out of it OK.”
The first time I touched a dead body was in a sanitized room inside a Dallas funeral home. I was stationed next to Ana’s toenails, with a small toothpick and a Q-tip. While firmly holding onto her foot, I silently cleaned away any dead skin, dirt or debris that might be found under her nails or between her toes.
Though Ana’s primary residence was several hours from the city, and she was not affiliated with any local synagogues, a burial plot in Dallas had her name on it. In Dallas, Ana’s family requested a Jewish burial service, including a plain, pine coffin and a ritual cleansing. The funeral home alerted the local Chevra Kadisha, the organization that prepares bodies in accordance with Jewish law, to perform the tahara or purification rituals, and, along with four other women, I volunteered.
Jewish death and Jewish life seem vastly different to me since joining the Chevra. Jewish life gets more and more public every day. Last year, an online Jewish organization paid for prime advertisement space in Times Square to fight antisemitism. Netflix offers Jewish experiences on demand, including the nuanced, scripted “Shtisel,” and the unabashed, reality-TV show “My Unorthodox Life.” Meanwhile, on Instagram, TikTok and Twitter, one can find countless accounts dedicated to informing the public about Jewish life and interfaith experiences.
Yet, while Jewish life seems to be increasingly visible, Jewish death rituals remain private, intimate and authentic. Narcissism and self-promotion are left at the entrance to the funeral home. Inside the tahara room, individual opinions, personal comfort and even your schedule are entirely secondary to the needs of the deceased. The experience is calming and comforting specifically because it is not about you. It’s a lesson for all of us who consider ourselves to be representatives of and in service to Jewish life.
If we can take a few moments to disconnect from the noise and selfishness of everyday living and instead focus on accountability — particularly in our interactions with those who may never repay us — we can maintain a certain purity of action in living an authentic Jewish life.
Prior to walking into the tahara room, I helped to prepare the casket. The first thing we realized, upon opening the box, was that there were not enough wood shavings to properly prepare her casket. Ana’s head was to be propped up on a pillow filled with wood shavings, and her body to lie on a sheet covering an arched bed filled with more wood shavings. We laid out the burial shrouds across the aron (casket) and waited for a funeral home manager to find more of this important material, but no additional wood could be found.
We asked her to keep some on hand for the future, set up what we had and hurried into the tahara room, unwilling to make the body wait for even another second.
After cleaning Ana’s nails and checking her body for any open wounds, I picked up a pot full of water. Starting with Ana’s hair, I poured the water from the pot onto her body as another member of the Chevra Kadisha washed her with a simple white linen cloth. We made our way down the right side of her body as another pair of women did the same on the left. Her body was cold to the touch.
Towels covered her body, and we lifted those towels only to reach a specific spot. Once the area was cleaned of any residual dirt or blood, we covered it again. Any bleeding that we had found during the process would be collected and buried in the casket with her.
I watched as her head remained elevated the entire time. Ana could be seen yet she herself could not see, and as such, we kept her face and eyes covered, out of respect.
Before washing Ana, I washed my own hands. In line with the ritual practice, I poured water from a cup onto my right hand, making sure the water spread from my wrist to the ends of my fingers. Then, I did the same for the left hand. I repeated this three times, in silence. After Ana’s body was cleaned, we washed again, replaced our gloves and filled three more buckets with water.
Ideally, Ana’s body would be entirely submerged in a mikvah. However, since that is not feasible in our community, we are required to pour water in a manner that will ensure that the flow does not stop, simulating a complete immersion. Ana’s body was completely uncovered as three women poured the buckets of water over her, beginning with her head and ending with her feet, making sure that the flow from the bucket was continuous. After the three women poured, we all proclaimed Ana’s purity, and one woman read the prayers. We then immediately covered and dried Ana’s body and began to dress her in burial shrouds.
Local traditions vary across places as different leaders (the “Rosha”) will follow specific customs they’ve been taught and have found to work. The practices followed by our Chevra include specific outlined rituals, local traditions and tikkunim, or “perfections.” A tikkun is a practice that assists in the performance of the ritual and serves as a reminder to the members of the Chevra that they must treat the body — which once held the soul and is now in transition — with the utmost respect.
One tikkun our Chevra keeps is placing a sign with the deceased’s Hebrew name in the tahara room, so that there is no time lost waiting to recall the name as we say the prayers. While dressing Ana, we turned the garments slightly inside out so that Ana’s body would not have to be moved more than necessary as we pulled them up her body — another tikkun we performed.
Human composting, an eco-friendly alternative to traditional burial, has already been made legal in Colorado, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington. Plus, states including California, Illinois, Massachusetts, and New York have introduced legislation to legalize the process. So as the carbon neutral burial process grows in legality across the nation, more and more human composting facilities and funeral homes are springing up.
Thinking about your end of life can be scary — and made even scarier when considering the high environmental impacts of traditional death practices such as burial and cremation.
So if you are interested in learning more about human composting and your body returning to the earth when you leave this planet, keep reading for a look into a few of the innovative funeral homes leading the way in human composting, aka natural organic reduction.
Recompose is leading the way for human composting in the U.S..
Source: SABEL ROIZEN Recompose’s human composting vessel.
Recompose, which is based in Kent, Wash., is a full-service funeral home that works directly with clients and families for empathetic end-of-life processes. After a client passes away, for 30 days, the Recompose team regularly mixes the body with soil, alfalfa, woodchips, and straw in a Recompose vessel.
Once the body has fully turned into soil, they remove any items that did not break down, such as dental fillings or metal pins and screws, and recycle them; the soil is then moved to a bin for several more weeks to cure and dry. Recompose will then offer some topsoil to the person’s loved ones; otherwise, it will be donated to a conservation partner.
Recompose’s full-service burial (including local transportation of the body, the entire natural organic reduction process, death certificate filing, an online obituary, and more) costs $7,000. The company’s services are open to people anywhere; but you’ll be responsible for paying to transport the body to Washington.
Not only was Recompose the first licensed human composting funeral home to open in the U.S., but Recompose and its founder Katrina Spade actually inspired a Washington bill to legalize the process in the state back in 2019. Additionally, the Recompose team is also helping pave the way for other states to legalize human composting, which you can learn more about on the public policy section of Recompose’s website. The company is also planning to open a second location by the end of 2022, in Colorado.
Return Home offers human composting in Washington and nationwide.
Return Home, which opened in 2021, offers “inclusive, gentle, transparent death care” via its Terramation human composting process. The company’s facility is based in Auburn, Wash., but offers its services to people across all 50 states and Canada.
At Return Home, deceased bodies are placed in a vessel. For 30 days, oxygen is flowed through to stimulate microbes in the body, which turns it to soil; then for the following 30 days, the soil rests and stabilizes. During these 60 days, visitors can come visit their deceased loved one in their vessel at Return Home’s facility turning business hours. At the end of the process, the deceased’s family can take the soil, or opt to have it scattered in nature.
Return Home is passionate about legalizing human composting more widely, and the company created the #IdRatherBeCompost campaign to help lead this movement. You can find a letter-writing template on Return Home’s website, which you can use to encourage your elected officials to support legalizing natural organic reduction in your state.
Earth offers natural organic reduction in Washington and Oregon.
“Funeral brand” Earth describes offers burial via a 45-day process called soil transformation. Earth uses its proprietary vessel technology; a balance of carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, and water; materials like mulch, wildflowers, and woodchips; and ideal moisture and temperature levels to create the optimized conditions for microbes and bacteria to break down the body, much like it would in nature.
At the end of the process, the deceased’s family choose to plant or scatter some of the resulting soil; the remaining soil is used for land restoration projects on the company’s conservation site in Washington’s Olympic Peninsula.
Earth has two facilities, located in Portland, Ore. and Auburn, Wash., both of which are powered by renewable electric energy. Currently, the company is only offering its services to those based in the Pacific Northwest (more details can be found here). Even though transporting dead bodies is legal, Earth believes “doing so undermines one of the greatest advantages of soil transformation, which is that the process is carbon neutral.”
When I told my father I’d be writing about the Jewish tradition of sitting shiva, he nodded with a clever smile, as if he was about to let me in on an exclusive piece of information.
“We do that too, you know,” he said. “We” being Dominicans.
As it turns out, Jews aren’t the only group that practices consecutive days of prayer and mourning after a death.
Catholics in many Latin American countries, prominently including Mexico and the Dominican Republic, practice los nueve días or novenario — nine days of mourning, named for nove, the Latin word for nine. It’s a practice in many ways almost identical to that of shiva — the Hebrew word for seven — the Jewish custom of mourning a death communally for seven days.
And like many who follow the traditions of shiva, many who practice novenario have plenty of opinions about how to observe the custom correctly.
My father, for one, holds deep resentments toward those who take los nueve días as an opportunity to party. He would not describe himself as spiritual or religious in any way, but he believes the dead should be respected. And if you show up to a novenario for fun and festivities, in his opinion, then you’d better have just stayed home.
Sharon Rose Goldtzvik, who wrote about shiva for the Forward this year, shared a similar reflection from her mother on sitting shiva. “We are not there for the food. We are not there to catch up with our friends. We are there for a specific purpose: to comfort the mourners,” she wrote.
That last part, my father said, is, in his experience, lost on some.
As Jews do, Catholic Latinos start the mourning process the moment the dead are buried. But when someone is buried varies between the two religions.
Jewish law holds that the dead should be buried no more than 24 hours after death, although today, the strictness with which that mandate is observed varies by denomination. So a shiva might and often does begin shortly after death. But because the Catholic church prefers that the deceased’s body be present for the funeral mass, their burial may take days.
For the nine days that follow that burial, things look very similar to shiva.
Family and loved ones gather at the deceased’s home to offer support, both spiritual and material. The long hours are spent remembering the dead, praying, sharing stories and lamenting the loss.
If the mourners are more well off, you show up empty-handed, bringing only emotional support. If the family has little money to spend on refreshments, everyone pitches in.
Members of Joaquina Chavez’s family in 2018 Puebla, Mexico, holding a final prayer for two deceased relatives.
Joaquina Chavez, who immigrated from Puebla, Mexico, to the United States as a teen in the late 1970s and now lives in Woodside, Queens, New York, says los nueve días is especially precious for Mexicans living away from their home country, since many families transport the deceased back to Mexico to be buried. The long period of communal mourning following that burial gives them an opportunity to come together with family members and friends whom they haven’t seen in years, sometimes decades.
“It’s also a time when people in my town forget about politics and issues and congregate and just pray for the family and the dead together,” she said, speaking in Spanish.
One key difference between shiva and los nueve días: While Jews often literally sit shiva — using low stools or pillows to symbolize feeling low in their grief and to be close to the departed — in a crucial part of the mourning ritual, Latino Catholics walk.
On the first day of mourning, a cross is erected next to an altar in the family home that the family will carry to the deceased’s final resting place on the last day, symbolizing the long journey the departed will take to divinity, and their family’s efforts to help get them there.
An altar decorated with pictures and offerings for the departed that remained erect in Chavez’s home for the nine days following the passing of her sister and brother-in-law.
In the nine days leading up to that final passage, ofrendas, or offerings, are also placed at the base of that altar, to be cleared up when the period ends. These can be small gifts one wishes to send off with the deceased — rosaries in vivid colors, fresh flowers and fruit to brighten up an otherwise dreary occasion.
Finally, for those who practice novenario, the mourning period always ends in a feast. In the Dominican Republic, a cow is traditionally killed to feed a crowd. By this point, word has spread across the town, and all are welcome. Whether you knew the deceased or not, no one is turned away.
Despite my father’s caution against a festive novernario, he was moved to tears describing the scene of those in his small hometown between two mountains, many of whom had little money for food, sitting around a fire pit and eating together — lending strength in numbers to help a family grieve.
In Mexico, the feast is also part of the ritual, although it can look different. In her experience, Chavez said, at gatherings before the final feast, the table is laid with “tostados, tamales, tacos, something small to offer.” But on the last day, she said “we make their” — the departed’s — “favorite meal to share with everyone.” In these last crucial steps, the transfer from the hands of loved ones to the hands of God is marked.
In both mourning traditions, this time of communal mourning can give a grieving family the strength to go back to work and to their daily lives. By leaning on each other, they share the burden of loss so it is not too heavy on any one person, they believe, leaving both the soul of the deceased and the spirit of the living intact.
In sum, it’s a way to tell one another that they’re not alone.
There are many forms of grief that you will face in your life. Some are more difficult to fathom than others. The tough ones like a failed relationship or the loss of a job are rough enough, but there is one loss that is considered the most challenging of all.
The loss of a child.
The loss of a child is not an experience that you expect to endure because it is such an unnatural occurrence. A child is part of your legacy and, to many, becoming a parent is the highest form of achievement that you can accomplish in your life. When a child is lost it affects your very core.
It does not matter how the child was lost. The hurt of the loss never really goes away. There can be a sense of failure that surrounds this kind of loss and healing from it may simply be impossible.
The solution to moving on from this tragedy is to learn how to cope with it.
1. Face the shock of premature death
Premature death is shocking and keeping it together is not easy. The mental, physical and spiritual pain from the loss of your offspring can create a cycle of other events that can stifle the strongest individuals.
It can create chaos in other areas of your life that had been relatively stable.
A spiral of other unpleasantries can occur if you are not careful. There are no set answers for coping with this problem, but an individual strategy can be created to help.
Since there is no formula for handling this kind of tragedy, you must employ whatever positive behavior you can produce to soothe your pain.
2. Practice the virtue of commitment
The topic of the loss of a child is not easy to discuss but it is necessary because it is a form of grief that is life-altering. Friends or close colleagues are often told to “mind their own business” but this kind of behavior is not helpful to you or them because they are suffering from the same loss.
The others who are hurting may not suffer the same degree of pain, but they are attempting to process the loss as well.
It may sound trite to speak of virtues at this time, but this is a moment when they can matter the most. The virtue of commitment is one of the first that is exhibited by many parents who have lost a child.
This virtue is very important because re-committing yourself to your spouse, significant other, closest family, and friends is essential in the healing process.
You can nurture each other through your pain.
The touch of another loved one — hugging you or holding your hand — is a life link to coping. Re-committing to your spouse or significant other validates the bond that each of you has and the one that was there when you created or adopted your child. Devotion, cuddling, and intimacy allow you some respite and are unique moments that only the two of you can share.
It is your partner who understands your feelings the most and this is not the time to push them away. Your other friends and family are there for you and you are there for them. Ironically, the bond you have with those closest to you becomes stronger during this difficult situation.
This kind of tragedy can bring out problems in a relationship and force those issues to the forefront.
Many couples separate after a child is lost because other problems that were not pressing are now front and center. It is another heartbreak that results from losing a child, but it may be necessary for an individual to cope if the relationship is not strong enough to survive.
Seeking and giving acknowledgment to others after losing a child is monumental in carrying on. If you do not have anyone to who you can turn at this moment, then seeking help from a therapist or an outreach program is a necessity for your well-being. Emotional support is critical because it is needed at this time.
Some isolation and privacy are expected after your loss but there is a point when isolation becomes negative and accepting the love, support, and nurturing others have for you is a good thing. It will make you feel wanted and that your loss is not discounted in any way. A balance between isolation and socializing with loved ones can prevent negativity.
3. Seek perspective
The act of taking care of yourself is paramount with any form of grief but this type of grief is most likely shared by others. You are the most important person who needs the love and nurturing of others at this time, but it is you who must learn to persevere. You may not be used to accepting help, but it may be one of the things that assist you in your self-care.
It is your act of self-love and other virtues that will help you cope. You may never be able to overcome all your grief from your loss but learning to function positively is a necessity. Being magnanimous in this loss and gaining perspective will hopefully come to you at some point. These attributes are essential in keeping a positive outlook on your future.
A sense of guilt and feeling that you did something wrong may surround your loss. Parents who suffer this loss often feel they did not protect their child enough, but this is just a sign of a good parent grieving. Forgiving yourself if you have a sense of failure is a necessity for your ability to cope with this loss.
Your child lives on in the Spirit World and your relationship with them continues in spirit. It is not the situation that is the most desirable, but it is your belief in it that can bring you some peace of mind. A spiritual perspective is necessary during extreme situations because it is a higher power that will give you the fortitude that you need.
Prayer, meditation, and memorializing your child can bring a sense of peace. The ability to find or develop positive skills to manage is essential for coping. Expressing your emotions is healthy but negative actions or approaches will simply create adversity and more difficulties that can damage your life.
4. Know that life is worth living
A loss of a child is devastating but it does not mean that life is not worth living or that you cannot move ahead in the future. It is an unfortunate part of your journey that you cannot ignore. You did not deserve this tragedy, but it occurred, and it has altered your life forever.
Coping with grief is not easy and this type of grief is the most difficult. Re-committing to those who love you and the ones you love is helpful. Seeking professional help and/or support groups is advisable, but it is only you who can determine your path forward. Navigating this uncharted path is an individual one but trying to have a positive perspective is necessary for you to survive.
Your spiritual life is an important ingredient for coping and should be relied upon for perspective. Memorializing and recalling the joy of having made a child in your life is a good thing. You may never fully recover from your loss but at least you may learn to cope with the tragedy and try to grow from it.
When discussing death with kids, experts advise honesty and plain language rather than euphemisms.
Aim to tailor the conversation to their age and stick to the facts, avoiding overwhelming details.
Kids often need more time to process what happened, so prepare for more conversations later on.
You’ll likely have to tackle the topic of death with your kids at some point, whether that conversation is spurred on by a death in the family, a school shooting in the news, or simple curiosity.
It’s natural to feel a little uneasy approaching this conversation due to your own discomfort and fear around death, or because you’re afraid of upsetting your child, says Reena B. Patel, a licensed educational psychologist and board-certified behavior analyst. Even so, talking to your child about death can help them understand this difficult topic more easily.
What’s more, in the case of publicized tragic events like school shootings, it’s especially important to take the lead in discussing what happened with your child rather than let them find out from the media, says Bethany Cook, a licensed psychologist in private practice.
The news is written and reported in an effort to captivate the viewer, Cook says. In other words, it’s not crafted to your child’s age or level of understanding, and it won’t be able to answer any follow-up questions they have or provide emotional support, she says.
When deciding how to approach the subject of death with a child, Parenting Nerd co-founder Elizabeth Hicks recommends taking their age and emotional maturity into account. If you’re bringing it up because someone your child knows recently died, you should also factor in their relationship with the deceased.
These expert-approved tips can help you talk to your kids about death in a gentle and supportive way.
1. Choose a time and place carefully
Ideally, you want to approach the topic of death in a private and quiet setting, when you and your child have nowhere to be and don’t feel rushed in the conversation.
If your child has a favorite stuffed animal, blanket, or toy they like to carry around or sleep with, you might give it to them to hold for comfort before starting the conversation.
It’s OK to share a loved one’s death with more than one child at the same time if there isn’t a big age difference between them. However, if they aren’t close in age, you may want to have separate conversations so you can tailor your language accordingly.
When sharing the news of a tragic event, such as a school shooting, Cook recommends choosing a private, comfortable space with minimal distractions and presenting the information in chunks.
“The first piece should be geared toward the younger family members,” she says. “Keep it simple, clear, and concise.”
You might start by saying something along the lines of, “Did you hear about something that happened at a school in [XYZ state] today?” If they did, you can ask:
“What did you hear?”
“How do you feel about it?” “Do you have any questions?”
If they aren’t yet aware, Cook recommends saying something along the lines of, “Someone went into a school with a gun and killed some people.”
Then, give them a chance to ask questions and share their feelings. After you validate those feelings, Cook recommends setting younger children up with an activity, like a movie or engaging toy, in another room so you can continue the conversation with older children.
Adolescents and teens may have more intense emotional reactions to this news, so be prepared to validate their feelings while reassuring them as best as you can that the school staff is trained to keep them safe.
2. Be honest and concrete
While you might feel tempted to withhold news of a death in an attempt to protect your child, Patel says it’s important to be direct and transparent.
Children often know when you aren’t telling the complete truth. Even if you have good intentions, that dishonesty could erode their trust in you.
You don’t need to share all the details of a person’s death with a younger child, who may not even be able to grasp them. When it comes to older children, though, don’t intentionally leave out key facts — even if the facts are potentially upsetting.
Say a relative died of an accidental drug overdose but the official cause of death was heart failure. Hannah Ly, a child therapist in private practice, advises against saying “They had a heart attack” without mentioning the drug use.
“Leaving out facts could lead to emotional distress when they find out the truth as an adult,” she says.
3. Start small and let them take the lead
In order to avoid overwhelming your child with too much information up front, Patel recommends sharing in doses. Start with simple facts about who died and what death means. Then, allow them to take control of the conversation by giving them an opportunity to ask questions.
For instance, if you tell your child a loved one died due to an illness, like cancer, they might ask why a doctor couldn’t make it better. You can respond matter-of-factly by saying “Doctors can’t always fix everything.” Or, if they don’t ask any questions, that’s OK, too.
Remember, they may need to digest the concept of death in bits and pieces, so just know they might come back to you with more questions on another day. Even if they don’t, you might always follow up yourself in a day or two, after they’ve had some time to process the news.
4. Avoid certain euphemisms
You may feel uncomfortable using the words “death” or “dead,” but Patel advises against using euphemisms to soften the blow. This kind of language can cause misunderstandings and confusion and ultimately do more harm.
For example, if you say the person “went on a long journey,” your child may then be retraumatized when they realize the person will never actually come back. Or, if you say they “went to sleep,” Ly says your child may develop anxiety at bedtime and become afraid they might die in their sleep.
Ly advises focusing on the basic facts of what happened. Say a loved one died naturally due to age. You might explain to a younger child that after many years of life, your body gets so tired that eventually your heart stops beating, your brain stops thinking, and you stop breathing.
5. Allow space for every emotion
Keep in mind that children can experience grief in widely varying ways, just like adults. They may:
Express anger, sadness, or confusion
Cling closer to you or isolate themselves
Need to talk about it a lot to process it, or become quieter and more withdrawn
Seem unaffected by the loss
According to Patel, there is no right or wrong way for them to grieve. Ideally, you want your child to understand no emotion is off-limits so they feel safe and supported in expressing themselves however they need to.
Explain that they can come and talk to you any time. When they do share with you, make sure to validate their feelings by saying things like:
“It sounds like you’re really upset, and that’s totally normal.”
“Of course you’re sad — lots of people feel that way when they have to say goodbye to someone.”
“Let them know it’s OK to cry, and it’s also OK if they need alone time,” Patel says.
If their grief is affecting other areas of their life, such as their performance at school, Ly advises seeking guidance from a mental health professional.
You might start by mentioning the changes you’ve noticed in a curious and non-judgmental way, and asking your child why they think they might be struggling. You can also talk to their teachers to get their perspectives and observations, Cook says.
6. Feel free to express your own grief
You may worry that expressing your own emotions around death will make things worse for your child — but in reality, experts say it’s much better to show your grief than stifle your emotions in an effort to protect them.
You can normalize grief and mourning for your child by openly expressing your emotions, Patel says. It also helps to model healthy coping skills, like journaling, connecting with loved ones, and practicing good self-care.
Children tend to model the behavior they pick up on from the adults in their lives. If they notice you’re comfortable discussing death, and your feelings around it, they’re more likely to do the same.
Conversely, avoiding discussing the death or your feelings about it can send a message that talking about death is somehow bad or harmful. They might then avoid the topic, too — which Ly says may prevent them from fully processing their emotions not only in response to that particular death but others down the road.
7. Keep their age in mind
While it’s important to speak honestly with your child about death, it can be challenging to do so while steering clear of unnecessary details that may traumatize them.
At this age, children may still think of death as temporary or reversible. They may have trouble understanding that when someone dies, they don’t come back. A 2018 study found that media representations of death can often contribute to these unrealistic ideas about death. For instance, an analysis found that 31.6% of the deaths in 57 Disney and Pixar films were portrayed as reversible.
According to Cook, it’s OK if your child isn’t able to grasp the finality of death just yet. You can continue to reinforce the fact that it’s permanent through examples — like how once a tree dies, it doesn’t grow back.
Elementary school (ages 5-9)
At this stage, your child may be coming to grips with the idea that everything and everyone dies eventually, and that death is permanent. They may start expressing concern about their parents or friends dying and begin asking a lot more questions about death in general.
“Magical thinking” at this age can cause them to question whether something they said or did caused the person’s death, or whether they can say or do anything to bring them back.
You can reassure them the person’s death was not their fault without dismissing their feelings.
Middle childhood (ages 9-12)
Once they reach this age range, kids often start to acknowledge that death applies to them, too, so they may have more philosophical questions about life and death. They might be more inclined to dig into “why” death happens, especially when it comes to tragic events like murder and suicide.
Certain events can threaten their sense of safety in the world, which makes it important to reassure them you’ll always do your best to keep them safe. It can also help to offer them plenty of choices in everyday life so they can maintain a sense of control in an unpredictable world. For example, you might:
Give them three options for how they’d like to spend their Saturday afternoon.
Let them pick between a few different outfits for school.
Encourage them to select which book they’d like to read at bedtime.
You can also offer multiple options for how to commemorate the deceased person so they can say goodbye in the way they’d like to.
Teens (ages 13-18)
At this point, your child likely has a strong understanding of what death means, so you can focus your conversations around empathizing with and validating their feelings — which may range from sadness or fear to anger and numbness.
Cook advises continually checking in with them to remind them that you’re there to listen, without pressuring them to talk if they don’t want to.
“Follow their lead,” Ly says. “Normalizing the grieving process and giving them space is important.”
If your teen is unwilling to share their feelings with you, but you sense they may need some emotional support, Ly suggests offering to help them connect with a counselor.
8. Shape the conversation according to how the person died
How a person died will play a part in:
What you tell your child
How much you should share
The way you choose to discuss the topic
A sudden death
For example, if a person died suddenly due to a heart attack or car accident, Patel says your child may be in shock and have a lot of questions since they didn’t have the chance to say goodbye.
A natural death
A death due to age can lead to a larger discussion about the circle of life, Patel says. She says you can feel free to use metaphors in nature to help young children understand death — like pointing out how a flower starts as a seed, gets bigger and bigger until it stops growing, starts wilting, and eventually stops living.
Once your child begins to recognize that all plants and animals die, too, they may have an easier time transferring this understanding to people.
A death due to illness
On the other hand, if the person died due to an illness, whether Alzheimer’s or COVID-19, you might explain they had a disease that makes your body stop working as it should. Ly says you can use similar wording to simplify death related to mental health conditions, too.
A death due to suicide
When telling a child about a death by suicide, it helps to answer questions honestly but focus more on your child’s feelings, rather than the details.
It’s essential to:
Offer reassurance that nothing your child did or said caused the loved one’s death
Stick to the facts
Encourage questions
Prepare to have multiple conversations about suicide — not just in the days after you share the news, but in the weeks and months to come
If a relative who had depression died by suicide, you might tell a young child, “Their depression made them so sad they didn’t want to feel anything anymore, and so they decided to stop their body from working.”
You could also emphasize to older children that depression is a mental health condition, not a choice or personal failing.
If you find yourself needing to explain a murder, school shooting, or other violent death, keep it simple and only use language they’d understand. For instance, if they ask why the shooting happened, you might say, “People who are hurt and angry sometimes hurt other people.”
9. Other helpful strategies
Death can bring up a lot of feelings like fear, uncertainty, and vulnerability for your child. Some strategies experts recommend for comforting them include:
Make a memory box
Patel advises helping your child to put together a bereavement box filled with special tokens that remind them of the person who died.
This activity can promote positive memories about the person and help them process their grief at the same time. On days when they’re thinking about the deceased person, they can pull out their memory box to help them cope.
Items to add might include:
Photographs
Cards written by that person
A sample of their cologne or perfume
Personal items of theirs like jewelry or a passport
Keepsakes like tickets from travel or events your child attended with the person
Write a goodbye letter
If your child feels sad they never got to say goodbye, Hicks says you can encourage them to write a letter to the deceased. You can tell your child the letter offers the space to say anything they wish they got to say. If they’re not sure how to begin, ask them how that person made them feel, or what they loved most about them.
Another option, according to Hicks, is to give your child a journal and let them know it’s their safe, private space to share whatever they’re feeling.
Keep up routines
Since the unpredictability of death can disrupt a child’s sense of security, it’s a good idea to maintain as much structure and consistency in their life as possible.
Try to keep up with routines when it comes to schoolwork, meal times, play, and other activities.
Lean on other resources when needed
You can find many books about death specifically geared toward children in your bookstore or local library. Some of these may help fill in the gaps you find most challenging to explain.
The National Association for the Education of Young Children has also compiled a list of additional books and other helpful resources. Find that here.
Consider professional support
In some cases, your child may benefit from talking with a therapist about their grief.
A small 2013 study examined children and adolescents with prolonged grief disorder, a condition marked by feelings of intense longing and intrusive thoughts about a deceased loved one six months or more after their death.
Researchers found that children who received nine sessions of cognitive-behavioral therapy, a common form of talk therapy, experienced a reduction in symptoms of grief, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
Patel, Ly, and Hicks say a child may be finding it difficult to cope if they have:
Trouble falling or staying asleep
Increased nightmares
Changes in appetite
Less interest in their favorite activities, including socializing with friends
Persistent worrying about death, especially pertaining to parents and caregivers
Frequent angry outbursts or temper tantrums
If you notice these behaviors — or any others that seem to affect your child’s health and well-being — your child may need additional support to begin healing.
A good next step involves connecting with your child’s teacher or guidance counselor for more support. You can also reach out to a therapist or counselor or ask your child’s pediatrician if they can recommend one.
Insider’s takeaway
As a general rule, death is best explained to children in a simple and straightforward way, without misleading euphemisms. Always offer the opportunity for your child to ask questions, and make it a point to validate any feelings they share.
You don’t need to hide your own grief — in fact, expressing it openly tells your child two important things: Their feelings are natural, and it’s OK to express those emotions openly.
Just know talking to your child about death won’t be a one-and-done conversation. You can share information in smaller doses to avoid overwhelming them, but you’ll also want to let them know your door is always open, so to speak, so they can come to you with any questions or fears.
After Allison’s funeral, Jackie Bailey enrolled in a master of theology. Now she’s an interfaith minister, deathwalker, celebrant and funeral director – and the author of a new book she wrote for her sister
‘I wrote an entire book to say goodbye to my sister’, says Jackie Bailey (left), the author of The Eulogy, pictured here as a child with her sister Allison.
By Jackie Bailey
I hold his lower leg up so his daughter can gently wash underneath his knee. Then she does the same for me. We kneel on each side of her father’s body, which we brought home from the hospital where he died last night.
“You do his face,” I say and move back to the base of the bed where I wring out my cloth in the warm water. My colleague arrives with a cooling plate. His daughter and I finish washing him and drying him, then we dress him in his best suit and place him on a sheet over the plate. The plate means that his daughter can keep him at home until it’s time for the cremation.
We draw another sheet up to his chest. I light candles and place them at each corner of the bed as his daughter scatters rose petals around him. Tomorrow we will place him in a wicker casket. We will surround him with garlands and greenery and carry him out to the hearse. His daughter will accompany him to the crematorium where she will bear witness as her father’s body is placed in the fire.
It’s seven years since my sister Allison died. She lived for most of her life with various degenerative conditions as the result of brain cancer. My family gave her a beautiful send-off. Her adult nieces and nephews, whom she had babysat when little, brought her special mementoes, prepared a slideshow, decorated the casket.
I brought felt-tipped pens so we could write final messages on her eco-coffin. My daughter, then three years old, drew “potato people” on the side of the casket to keep Aunty Allison company on her final journey. Friends and family said prayers. I, my brother and our eldest sister gave the eulogy.
‘When my sister died, I was not a consumer; I was a grieving puddle of emotions’
After Allison’s funeral I took a break from writing the manuscript which would eventually become my new novel The Eulogy. I needed some time away from our story. But instead of a holiday, I found myself enrolled in a masters of theology. Two years later I was an ordained interfaith minister, a trained deathwalker, a celebrant and independent funeral director.
Interfaith ministers offer pastoral care outside of religious institutions, creating spiritual services for the nonreligious. Many of my peers became chaplains in hospitals and prisons, social workers, university counsellors. But for me it was always about death. I wanted to give others what my sister’s funeral had given me: a clean wound, ready for healing.
But not everything about my sister’s funeral was perfect. I had chafed under the transactional gaze of the funeral directors. The inflated price of the eco-coffin outraged me, along with the attempts to upsell my grieving mother on urns, nameplates, casket decorations.
I later found out that the funeral company we had hired was not a local family firm as I had thought, but was actually owned by the multinational company InvoCare, which controls more than a third of the funeral market in Australia.
State and federal governments have held a number of inquiries, attempting to make the funeral industry more transparent, recognising that consumers are particularly vulnerable at these times of their lives.
But I want more than competition in the funeral industry. I want there to be no “industry”. When my sister died, I was not a consumer; I was a grieving puddle of emotions. I wanted a human I could trust to walk with me.
My book takes the form of a fictional guide for how to write a eulogy, as the protagonist prepares for her own sister’s funeral.
Australian author and funeral celebrant Jackie Bailey. She conducted her first funeral in 2017.
In reality I have never been able to find a good guide to eulogy writing. They all seem to assume you are telling the story of a prosperous businessman who has lived to a ripe old age. But what about people like my sister Allison, who had no career, no children, no value in this calculus, even though she was the defining person in my life, the person who taught me how to love?
In the end I wrote an entire book to say goodbye to my sister. But if you only have a time slot in a funeral service, here is my advice: it does not have to be perfect. It does not have to be long. And it is completely OK to cry, laugh or do both simultaneously.
In 2017 I conducted my first funeral. It was for a nonprofit funeral provider in my local area, a charity that believes someone’s death should not be an opportunity to take a company public.
I was nervous before the service began, but once it started, the anxiety just floated away. It was so clear that this event was not about me. I was there to give permission to people to feel whatever might arise: sadness, relief, despair, gladness. I was there to walk with them.
