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Getting What You Want At The End Of Life

— Lessons From A Dying Man

By Peter Ubel

Dr. Randy Curtis was diagnosed with Lou-Gehrig’s disease in 2021 and died last February. Curtis was a renowned critical care physician at the University of Washington in Seattle (UDub!), a scholar so productive that new articles continue to come to press after his death, including a recent study in JAMA that might show a way for most of us to die the way we want to.

Many people die in ways, and even in locations, that go against their preferences. They don’t want to be put on ventilators and, yet, spend their last days in intensive care units tethered to breathing machines. They don’t want cardiopulmonary resuscitation, and, yet, receive full-on “codes” when their hearts stop.

Much of this unwanted care could be avoided if patients (aka: “people”) discussed their treatment preferences with their clinicians. But sadly, physicians frequently fail to hold such goals-of-care discussions with their patients, and even when they do engage in these discussions, a second problem often arises: they don’t know how to communicate with patients about their treatment preferences.

Even before the recent JAMA article, Curtis and colleagues had done important work to overcome these two problems. They developed a Jumpstart Guide, with simple language designed to promote conversations that are more effective. Instead of an awkward start to the conversation (“We should talk about what to do if your heart stops”), the guide would suggest a gentler icebreaker (“I want to know what is important to you so that we provide the best care to fit your goals. Is that okay?”). They even showed in a randomized trial that, when patients and clinicians use the guide, there is a significant increase in goal-of-care conversations.

This is all fine and dandy (to quote most of our grandmothers), but an effective intervention will not do any good unless people use it. Randomized controlled trials are typically designed to show whether a given intervention works when incorporated into clinical care. They are not usually designed to figure out whether clinicians and patients will actually use the intervention.

That is where Curtis’s new study comes in. He and his colleagues programmed the electronic health record to identify patients with serious illness, to prepopulate the computer with the communication guide and to email that guide to the patient’s physician. In other words, they made the intervention automatic. They didn’t wait for physicians to take the initiative: “This patient is really sick; I should recheck their potassium, order that new antibiotic and, oh, yeah, initiate a goal-of-care conversation.” Instead, they alerted physicians to the importance of holding a goals-of-care conversation, for this particular patient, while simultaneously pointing physicians toward the guide, thereby empowering them with a sense that they can effectively carry on this often difficult conversation.

This simple intervention worked. In the absence of the intervention, clinicians documented goals-of-care conversations in 30% of seriously ill patients. That number rose 34.5% among patients whose clinicians got the guide inserted into the EHR. A 4% increase might not seem like much. But think about it this way: in response to a simple, non-intrusive EHR intervention, 1 out of 25 clinicians document these important conversations in seriously ill patients who would otherwise have not done so.

Seriously ill patients deserve medical care that aligns with their goals. In the last months of his life, Dr. Randy Curtis took an important step toward making such alignment automatic.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Death is inevitable

— Why don’t we talk about it more?

Alua Arthur

Death is hard to talk about. But death doula Alua Arthur says if we want to live presently and die peacefully, we have to radically reshape our relationship with death.

 

About Alua Arthur

As a death doula, Alua Arthur help individuals and families to navigate the emotional, legal and spiritual issues that arise around death. Arthur worked as an attorney prior to entering the field of “death work.” Her organization, Going with Grace, educates fellow death doulas in nonmedical end-of-life care. Her forthcoming book, Briefly Perfectly Human, reframes how we think about dying.

Arthur was recently featured in the National Geographic television series Limitless, in which she helped actor Chris Hemsworth map out his own future death. She has been featured in the Los Angeles Times, Vogue, InStyle and more. She is a former director of the National End-of-Life Doula Alliance.

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A Compassionate Journey

— Advocates for Inclusive End-of-Life Options

Compassion & Choices

By Jen Peeples

The journey towards the end of life is an inevitable part of our human experience. However, the circumstances surrounding this transition can be far from equal, particularly for marginalized communities. We had the opportunity to meet with Meagan Williams, a member of the Communications Team for many national campaigns, including in Minnesota. She connected us to the exploration of tireless efforts of organizations like Compassion & Choices, that are dedicated to advocating for expanded end-of-life options through education, outreach, and legislative change.

Williams expressed that their work serves as a beacon of hope for those directly affected by inequities from the system, while also striving to grant patients who request medical in aid death a greater autonomy and respect during their final moments.

Compassion & Choices is a prominent advocate in this space. They are relentlessly working to shed light on disparities in end-of-life care. Understanding that the path towards a compassionate and inclusive approach to end-of-life decisions begins with education and awareness. Through their outreach efforts, they aim to empower individuals and communities-especially those from marginalized backgrounds, by providing information and resources needed to make informed choices. We had the opportunity to sit-down with 4 amazing advocates of Compassion & Care. Their work is an expression of their passion. One to be known today and remembered tomorrow:

Osha Towers (they/them), a key figure in the LGBTQ+ Leadership Council, shared firsthand the shortcomings in LGBTQ+ end-of-life care during the trying times of the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020. Towers emphasized that there is deep discrimination that often arises from a profound lack of understanding and empathy– leading to distressing challenges such as misgendering, legal vulnerabilities, and the denial of chosen families.

When asked the purpose of their passion in this field, they shared, “I lost many loved ones throughout my community. Working within Black and brown LGBTQ+ healthcare– Yet advocacy work within end-of-life care specifically rose for me within the LGBTQ+ community when my coworker lost their long-time partner. Although this was someone, they had spent years caring for, their partner’s family did not honor their relationship or the queer life this person lived. So, they swooped in, took over, booted any level of queer community from the process, and buried them outside of reflecting on their whole identity.”

The fire behind the Council’s mission centers on priorities like inclusion by meeting the unique needs of LGBTQ+ individuals while driving institutional change. By engaging with diverse LGBTQ+ groups across the nation, Towers has developed a shared understanding of the importance of medical aid in dying, shaped by the community’s collective losses during the AIDS epidemic.

Now, the medical in aid dying has not always been accepted or approved by certain communities. However, a different intention and meaning was brought the platform by Dr. Joanne Roberts, a terminally ill physician, also initially held reservations about medical aid in dying laws. However, her personal journey and convictions have led her to recognize that such legislation can provide relief and rested assurance to suffering patients.

Dr. Roberts has a compelling mission to humanize this issue through the power of storytelling, emphasizing that death transcends political divides and dispels concerns about the misuse of aid-in-dying by citing data from states with extensive experience in its implementation. To hesitant lawmakers, Dr. Roberts gently reminds them that this is an individual choice, and no clinician should feel compelled to participate if it violates their moral principles.

Along with Dr. Roberts fight to appeal to legislation, Dr. Rebecca Thoman oversees legislative advocacy for Compassion & Choices in Minnesota and has been tirelessly working to advance the proposed End-of-Life Options Act. Though it faced setbacks in 2022, Dr. Thoman remains hopeful that it could see action in 2024.

Recognizing the importance of countering misinformation and creating a sense of urgency around the topic of death through peer testimonies, Dr. Thoman faithfully educates and leads other physicians on the infrequent use and strict oversight of aid-in-dying. This is all while respecting individual doctors’ moral right to opt out. Dr. Thoman understands that for lawmakers, bridging the gap between hypothetical concerns, the realities of clinical practice, and personal stories are keys to garnering their unrelentless support. If the legislation passes, Dr. Thoman believes it will bring solace through expanded end-of-life options for countless diverse individuals.

While also on the legislature end, we have attorney Phil Duran. Duran is known for his advocacy in LGBTQ+ rights in the approaches of medical aid in dying work with a unique perspective. He understands that arranging the plans one’s medical aid in death can offer a sense of peace; a sentiment shared by same-sex couples who were once denied the right to marry.

Through his work with Rainbow Health, Duran is actively expanding culturally competent care access for LGBTQ+ and aging communities through provider education and patient empowerment. He acknowledges that privilege often plays a role in determining the level of agency one has in making end-of-life decisions. Duran believes that by countering religious opposition and amplifying diverse stories, we can broaden the movement for compassionate end-of-life options.

While each advocate featured in this article brings their own expertise and experiences to the table, there are common threads that unite them in their pursuit of a more compassionate and equitable approach to end-of-life choices. Education, empowerment, and equity are at the heart of their endeavors. Despite their diverse backgrounds, they all share a profound understanding of the value of having options and autonomy when it comes to one’s own passing. Through their steadfast commitment to amplifying diverse voices and stories, driving policy changes, and expanding societal mindsets – these advocates serve as inspiring examples of the passion that fuels a movement toward greater compassion and care at life’s transitioning end.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is a living funeral?

— This unique celebration of life and its benefits explained

Explore the concept of a living funeral and discover the profound meaning and benefits these celebrations can have for everyone involved.

By

If you’ve heard the term “living funeral” pop up as you’re planning end-of-life care for yourself or a loved one, you may very well wonder if you’ve stumbled on a typo. After all, the history of funeral practices in the United States and around the world customarily centers around the time after someone has died.

But no, you read that right. A living funeral — sometimes called a living wake or a pre-funeral — is a ceremony held for a person who is very much alive.

What is a living funeral all about? Why are loved ones opting to throw funerals for the living? Who are they for, and why have they grown in popularity? We asked experts to break down the practice of living funerals and to help you decide if this ritual is one that’s right for you or someone you love.

In its most simple form, a living funeral is a funeral held for a person who is still alive. They are usually performed for individuals who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness or who are advancing in age and coming to grips with their mortality and are typically held in the months, weeks or even days before someone’s death.

While the terminology may be unfamiliar to you, the living funeral concept is not new, says the Rev. George Handzo, director of health services research and quality for the national nonprofit HealthCare Chaplaincy Network. As a chaplain who works with people nearing the end of their life, Handzo says he’s often seen family members come together for a party of sorts to celebrate their loved one.

In some indigenous cultures, Handzo adds, it’s traditional for family members to gather near the end of a loved one’s life and engage in rituals, such as passing on family heirlooms, eating together and praying together as death nears. And the concept of a living funeral has long been practiced in countries like Japan, where the practice is called a seizensō or “funeral while alive.”

What’s the difference between a living funeral and a traditional funeral?

The core concept of a living funeral is the same as that of a traditional funeral — to offer a time and place for friends and family to gather together to honor a loved one. The primary difference between the two is whether or not the ceremony is held before or after the beloved person has died.

Often the tone of living funeral ceremonies is different from that of a traditional funeral as well, says Megan Sheldon, a ceremonialist and end-of-life doula from Vancouver, who’s also co-founder of Be Ceremonial, an app that guides you to create your own ceremonies, including a living funeral or living wake.

“People who come to us often want the event to feel lighthearted, relaxed and fun,” Sheldon explains. “They recognize the sadness and grief people are holding, and they want to focus on how [their loved one] lived their life and not how they are going to die”

What’s included in a living funeral?

The decision around when this sort of ceremony is held or even the shape it takes can differ greatly from person to person, says Willow Baum, an end-of-life planning educator and doula from Callicoon, New York.

“Every person and every circle of loved ones is incredibly unique,” Baum says. That’s why she starts planning by first getting to know the individual’s goals and values to help give shape to a living funeral that is right for them.

For example, an introvert may wish for a small ceremony where people come to visit them at home one at a time or in small groups while an extrovert may want to plan a large get-together with dozens of relatives and friends coming together all at once.

An added bonus to planning a living funeral over a traditional funeral is having the ability to actually ask the person you love what they want included in their ceremony, Baum says. While some people will create a funeral or memorial service plan before their death, asking for clarification on those plans is something that cannot be done when planning a funeral after someone’s death.

“You should really ask them. Don’t guess. Don’t assume,” Baum recommends for anyone who is helping a family member or friend with their end-of-life planning and discussing their final wishes. “This gives people a reason to get deeper with one another.”

While the exact structure and rites included in a living funeral depend on the wishes of the dying person, here are a few practices that might be included:

  • Candle lighting or bell ringing to open the ceremony.
  • Shared speeches from family or friends, similar to the eulogies that might be shared after someone has died.
  • Shared words and thoughts from the celebrated individual for those who have gathered.
  • An officiant who leads and guides attendees in prayer.
  • A video stream for family or friends who cannot attend.
  • Group storytelling and memory swapping among those who attend.
  • Music and food, chosen by the person being honored.
  • Allotted time for attendees to spend a private moment with the dying relative or friend.

Baum likes the way most of these living funerals unfold to a celebration of life held after someone has died. A living funeral, however, is heavily imbued with a reminder that “time is finite,” adds Baum.

What are the benefits of a living funeral?

A living funeral certainly isn’t something that everyone needs to add to their end-of-life planning, but there are myriad reasons why this sort of ceremony is one that families may consider.

Here are some of the many benefits that a living funeral can offer:

  • The opportunity for loved ones to say goodbye – After someone has died, Handzo often hears from friends and family,”‘I didn’t say I love you enough’?” When someone is diagnosed with a terminal illness, the living funeral gives loved ones the ability to do just that: gather to say the things often left unsaid. “We do far too little in our culture of saying goodbye and thinking of the dying person,” Handzo adds.
  • A means for the dying to play a role in the ceremony – The act of planning a living funeral can offer catharsis in and of itself, Baum says, allowing someone a chance to take control of their own end-of-life ceremony. For some, she says, it helps them work through their feelings about death and the unknown. For others, this simply provides a way to feel less out of control about the future.
  • A chance for the dying to impart last words – A living funeral gives someone who is dying the ability to speak with loved ones and friends who they might not otherwise get to see before their death, especially if time is short and separate visits for each person are too taxing. This could take the form of sharing words of wisdom with a grandchild, offering an apology to someone with whom they’ve had a falling out or simply sharing information.
  • A place to highlight positive memories – While the finite time remaining with their loved one may inspire a tinge of sadness, the storytelling element of a living funeral can be uplifting too, giving people a reason to laugh and smile. Sheldon helps families and friends to explore memories in positive ways by creating “memory walkways” with clients. “We hang photos from their lives down a path,” she explains, “and invite people to walk down listening to favorite music while they notice all of the photo memories and moments of significance.”
  • A space for families to come together – Simply providing people a place to come together is an added benefit, Handzo says. Busy family members can reconnect and reforge bonds that can provide needed moral support as individuals come to grips with their own feelings about their impending loss and possibly their own mortality.

Can anyone have a living funeral?

If the benefits of planning a living wake sound appealing, you may be wondering if you can start planning your own pre-funeral. Can just anyone have one? Well … technically … yes. But experts have some advice for helping you decide.

“Usually people know they are going to die within a few months and want to do it before they get too weak to appreciate the experience for what it is,” Sheldon says of most living funeral honorees.

That doesn’t mean you have to have a terminal illness, however.

“We’ve hosted living funerals for people who have no intention of dying anytime soon,” Sheldon adds, “but are doing this anyway, as a chance to bring their friends and family together one last time.”

Are there ethical considerations to living funerals?

Of course, there may be some cultural, emotional and sometimes moral considerations to contemplate before adding a living funeral ceremony to your calendar.

For one, the trend of living funerals represents a generational shift in Western cultures, Baum says, and it’s important to respect that older family members may not be comfortable with the idea. Instead of pushing a living funeral on a dying loved one, she stresses the importance of listening to their wishes and working together. Bringing in an end-of-life planner or death doula can be especially helpful as they bring not just their expertise but an outsider’s perspective during an emotional time.

Handzo also advises that people think deeply about their goals before planning a living funeral. For example, he notes, if you’ve had a deep rift with family members or friends and are hoping that these people will come to your pre-funeral to say nice things about you, it’s wise to reconsider.

“That’s not productive,” he warns.

Handzo also advises against trying to force family members to attend a living funeral simply because someone has finite time remaining before death.

In short, a living funeral should not be used to manipulate people, relationships or emotions.

Nor does Handzo recommend using a living funeral as a means to dissuade family and friends from gathering after you have died. “Sometimes,” he notes, “the family does want to do a funeral and go to the graveside.”

While the pre-funeral can benefit both the dying and the people who love them, a traditional funeral may still be an important part of the grieving process for those who have to say goodbye. There may also be cultural or religious traditions — such as the Jewish practice of sitting shiva for a loved one who has died — that people may still want to carry out after someone has died.

Should you plan a living funeral?

Deciding to have a living funeral is an incredibly personal decision, and if you’re considering suggesting the idea for a sick or dying loved one, you first may want to consult with an expert who can help you through the conversation. In particular, Sheldon warns that some people who have yet to accept their death may find talk of a living funeral triggering.

If you’re pondering whether or not this type of ceremony is right for yourself, Baum says it can be helpful to think about it not just in the context of your own wishes but also how it may affect those you are leaving behind. Just as writing out your wishes for what you would like to happen after you have died, planning out the time you have before your death can help loved ones better understand how to support you.

“To think about your own end,” she adds, “is to give the people who are going to do the wrapping up in the end a roadmap.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Spiritual care for hospice patients

— For patients in hospice, spiritual care plays an important role in offering comfort to them and their loved ones. Just like with physical or emotional pain, spiritual pain can cause hospice patients to have anxiety or concerns as they near the end of their lives. Thankfully, hospice chaplains are available to help patients and their families find spiritual healing and comfort.

What is a chaplain’s role?

A chaplain is a part of the hospice patient’s multi-disciplinary care team that also includes physicians, nurses, LPNs, CNAs, social workers and more. A chaplain’s job is to walk alongside patients as they navigate their spiritual journeys at the end of life. Because chaplains aren’t tied to a particular church or religious background, they are focused on meeting patients where they are spiritually and providing the type of comfort and care each patient needs.

This typically involves performing an initial assessment with each patient that helps the chaplain understand their beliefs, church background, faith background and more. This allows the chaplain to find out what is important to the patient and how they can best support them, no matter their religious beliefs or denomination. It also allows them to connect the patient with other religious leaders, such as priests or ministers, who can provide religious-specific support.

Chaplains as listeners

One of the most important parts of a chaplain’s job is listening. They will often spend a lot of time with their patients going through a “life review” — which involves listening to the patient as they talk about their past, memories, accomplishments, interests, etc. This life review allows the chaplain to enter the patient’s world and gives the patient the often-therapeutic experience of sharing stories about their lives.

Through the life review, the chaplain builds a trusting relationship with the patient that gives them the foundation they need to better provide spiritual support. It also gives the chaplain an idea of things in the patient’s past that they may be able to help with and relieve any lingering negativity.

Chaplains as comforters

Providing comfort and easing any anxieties a patient may have as they near the end of their life is a big part of a chaplain’s role — and it looks differently for every person.

Religious patients may find comfort in scripture, prayer or sacraments such as baptism or communion. Other patients may have questions about spirituality if they haven’t been religious before but are looking for peace. Patients who are not faith-connected may want non-religious support to ease their minds in their final days, such as being reminded that their loved ones are being taken care of. Chaplains also often care for the family members of hospice patients, helping spouses, parents, grandparents, etc., find peace and hope in saying goodbye to their loved one.

For chaplains, it’s all about looking for signs of spiritual pain or distress and finding ways to relieve that anxiety and help someone find comfort in their hospice journey.

Chaplains as planners

One way chaplains can help patients and their family members find peace and comfort is by aiding in the funeral process. Often, chaplains are brought in to help with planning or even officiating the funeral.

For many patients who are able, speaking with a chaplain about their wishes offers them a chance to request specific poems, scriptures, songs or prayers that they would like to be read or played at their funeral. It also offers the chaplain an opportunity to gather information about the patient to ensure it’s a personal event that honors them in an appropriate way. Speaking about and planning their funeral ahead of time gives the patient peace of mind in knowing the funeral is taken care of — which can help relieve a lot of stress later in the hospice journey.

For hospice patients, navigating their spirituality is a big part of end-of-life care. Hospice chaplains play an important role in helping each individual patient and family member find the comfort they need, no matter their religious belief or background.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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With this grief, I thee wed

— How to celebrate a wedding after a loved one dies

By Jen Gubitz

As Ben Fink and Rob Forman approached their chuppah wedding canopy, in the very front row sat an empty chair, the shoes Fink’s mom, Sally, would’ve worn, and a beautiful Gerber daisy — her favorite. Sally had died just 11 days earlier.

As he recalled their wedding day, Fink, 37, began to cry. “Walking down the aisle without her there, my father was holding my arm and we were both crying, and I remember him saying, ‘This is happy, this is happy, we’re happy…’” Fink’s voice broke as he observed, “I was smiling because I was really happy, and I was crying because I was really sad.”

For a moment, the couple laughed. “It looked great in the photos,” joked Forman. “I looked dewy,” agreed Fink.

Just weeks earlier, Sally Fink had told her son, “I’m dying.” With few words, Ben Fink acknowledged this truth. It was October, and after a few blissful months of remission, Sally’s uterine cancer had returned. Despite best efforts from her doctors and endless hopes and prayers from her family, growing weaker and weaker, Sally lay dying in a Miami hospital. Ben Fink was weeks away from his big, colorful, joyous, gay, Jewish wedding with Forman, his partner of 5½ years.

Tears fell from the Tarzana-based couple’s eyes as they reflected on the story of Sally’s death in the days leading up to their wedding.

“I had flown out just to kind of cheer her up,” said Ben Fink, “thinking maybe if I cheer her up, she’ll feel better and she’ll miraculously get better. What if she dies? was never part of the conversation.”

Few people plan for a tragedy while scheduling a joyful occasion. As Sally’s health deteriorated, the couple’s uncertainty about their wedding plans went unspoken. Fink’s dad, a rabbi, was to officiate at the wedding. While Fink was with his family in Florida, Forman spoke privately with friends about the situation.

“I did not know where we were going to be emotionally or who was physically going to be in Los Angeles,” said Forman, 39. “I did not think we were going to proceed, because we were in that awful, nebulous, waiting-for-news period.” The ambiguity added to the grief, sadness and stress for the couple.

A great sense of uncertainty looms when families must decide how — and if — to host a planned celebration like a wedding after someone dies. Grief, sadness and stress over the loss of a beloved family member are often compounded by religious or cultural expectations.

However, couples have planned their ceremonies and celebrations, many take special care to incorporate the memories of their loved ones into their celebration.

Some set up memorial tables full of family photos, wear heirlooms sewn into dresses, on lapels or in bouquets, or adorn empty chairs with a deceased loved one’s favorite flower to highlight their absence. Thoughtful wedding officiants and experienced wedding industry professionals will find ways to articulate the sorrow while celebrating joy.

But if a tragic loss is quite recent, should you cancel? I’ve dealt with this question before as a rabbi and spoke to religious leaders and couples I know to hear their perspectives. The Rev. Matt Oprendek, of the Episcopal Diocese of New York, said that while there is no set Episcopal tradition, any time there is an unimaginable loss, it is handled according to whatever a minister thinks is most appropriate.

While Muslim practice varies, Imam Shady Alshorman of Clermont, Fla., said that while Islam does not obligate a couple to postpone a wedding, some might delay it if holding a celebration could result in severing ties of kinship.

For Ann Arbor, Mich.-based Muslim chaplain Jaye Star, her extended family was planning a wedding in Turkey in May. The catastrophic earthquake that killed tens of thousands in the region in February, however, led them to dramatically downsize a massive wedding celebration to include only immediate family; it was considered inappropriate to celebrate amid the grief others were feeling.

Jewish tradition, however, is quite clear. A teaching in the Talmud, an ancient collection of Jewish law and practice, explores a scenario where a funeral procession and a wedding procession meet in the center of town. While those in the funeral procession are wailing in grief, the members of the wedding procession are jubilant. The Talmud queries: Who gets the right of way? Ultimately, rabbinic sages teach that “the honor of the living takes precedence over the deceased” and the wedding procession proceeds first.

Joy may lead the way, but “whether [a loss is] recent or not,” said the Rev. Sharon Dickinson, director of spiritual care at Salem Hospital in Massachusetts, “the veil is very thin on days like that.”

Seminary, chaplaincy and social work students are taught to weave joy and sorrow together, recalling deceased loved ones and making space for grief and tears, in lieu of hampering critical emotions.

Dan Fuller married Leah Goldstein in Austin, Texas, in December 2021. Dan’s mother, Karen Donahue, a practicing Buddhist, had been deceased for many years but her absence was palpable. As the rabbi at their wedding on the seventh night of Hanukkah, I wove together teachings from Zen and Hasidic masters, all of whom understood the power of grief and suffering and also the potential for light and love. In that moment, even those who never knew Donahue needed to remember her and feel grief over her death so that we could all experience a night of joy.

When Julie Sullivan of Framingham, Mass., got married last fall, she remembered her brother John by pinning a photo charm of him to her bouquet. She also adapted her Jewish wedding contract, known as a Ketubah, with her husband, Jeff Green, to remember her brother. While Ketubah language typically denotes only a couple’s parentage, their text reads: “Julie, daughter of John and Sheila, sister of John, of blessed memory.”

For their wedding, Forman and Fink incorporated Sally Fink’s favorite flowers, a suggestion from their L.A. wedding planner, Holly Gray of Anything But Gray Events. “Getting to help honor [Sally] on their wedding day, while keeping the moment as light and positive as possible, was my pleasure to help ease an impossible situation for any couple to face,” Gray said.

Early Oct. 4, Sally Fink died. Adding further stress for the family, it was only hours before the start of Yom Kippur; the typical urgency of Jewish burial within 24 to 48 hours was delayed amid a full season of Jewish holy days. Fink was buried five days later in Simi Valley. The family sat shiva — a weeklong period of mourning in Jewish tradition — at Fink and Forman’s home. Because Sally loved a party, loved their backyard and also loved Jameson, at shiva they served drinks, swam in the pool, shared memories and recited the Kaddish memorial prayer together. The final night of shiva was attended by the guests who had come into town for the wedding. Ben’s dad told them that the timing of Sally’s death was a terrible gift. If she had died any closer to their wedding date, it would have been too difficult. Recalled Ben Fink, “The whole experience was a delirious daze.”

Fink reflects back on their wedding day on Oct. 15 at the Ebell of Los Angeles, a popular venue. “With the makeup and the hair and then the tuxedos, that whole experience… you get swept up in it. There was a lot of energy, and that was really exciting. And then once my family arrived and we had to do the family photos, that’s when it really hit me. Oh, s—, she’s not here. That’s when the absence of her was most felt. And I remember my dad walking into the ceremony hall and seeing the chuppah, and we broke down in tears because we knew she would’ve loved it.”

“The whole experience was surreal, there’s no other word to describe it,” Forman said. “It was all the things — emotional, powerful, unforgettable, and a blur, and impossible — but we did it.”

“You know how they say with drag queens, the glitter is just a mask and it sometimes hides the sorrow underneath? It was kind of like that,” Fink added. “We looked fabulous. We were beautiful, we were happy, and yet, there was still sadness, and it was ever present.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Federal prisoner with terminal illness granted parole on compassionate grounds to die outside of jail

By Mitchell Consky

Ed Speidel

A terminally ill federal prisoner, who has been fighting for a compassionate release to die outside of jail, has been granted day parole.

Ed Speidel, a 62-year old prisoner with a terminal lung disease, will be permitted to enter a secure home with round-the-clock medical assistance, his lawyer told CTV News in an email.

Speidel suffers from end-stage chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder (COPD) along with rheumatoid arthritis, and medical tests show his lungs have only 19 per cent function compared to healthy adults.

In July, Speidel spoke about his fear of dying behind bars.

“My biggest fear is dying in jail. I don’t want to die in jail,” Speidel told CTV News in a phone interview, from an office in the Matsqui Institution, a medium-security prison in Abbotsford, B.C.

In July of 2022, Speidel, who has served a total of 41 years in prison requested parole by exception – also known as compassionate or geriatric parole — at a hearing, but his request was rejected.

This year, he obtained legal support and worked on an application for medically assisted death.

Speidel told CTV News that he was arrested for robberies and never hurt any one.

With more than 1,700 (25.6 per cent) prisoners in federal jails 50 years old and older, Speidel is one example of aging offenders increasingly susceptible to life-threatening health risks.

Lisa Crossley, who works with Prisoner Legal Services in Vancouver, told CTV News in July she thinks more options should be provided to terminally ill prisoners.

“For the vast majority of people, if you are terminally ill, what risks do you really pose? I think that should be asked and there should be more options for people for some type of release,” Crossley said.

“It is a matter of public importance that affects many people in federal prison.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!