By Melissa Porrey LPC, NCC

Disenfranchised grief is a natural emotional reaction following a loss that is not openly accepted by society. It is normal and expected to grieve after any loss, but not all losses are viewed equally by those around us. Not feeling welcome or comfortable to outwardly mourn or express the emotions that come with a loss can be isolating and can prolong and complicate the grieving process.

This article will define disenfranchised grief through examples, show how to recognize disenfranchised grief, and explain how it compares to other forms of grieving. It will also provide coping techniques and ideas for finding validation in mourning.

What Causes Disenfranchised Grief?

Grief affects everyone differently. Childhood experiences, attachment style (ways we relate to and interact with others), individual definitions of meaning and closeness, and the types of relationships we hold contribute to the ways we grieve and mourn.

In addition to how individuals grieve, culture and societal norms play a role in how we express grief and in defining the acceptable and unacceptable circumstances in which to grieve.

Having social support and validation of the pain that comes with loss allows bereavement to be a productive time of mourning. Grieving is more difficult when a loss isn’t validated by those around us or by society at large, and the feelings associated with the loss can be intensified.1

5 Categories of Disenfranchised Grief

There are five categories of disenfranchised grief, as outlined by Kenneth J. Doka, a mental health counselor who initially defined disenfranchised grief. These are:1

1. The loss isn’t seen as important by others.
2. The type of loss isn’t acknowledged or is stigmatized.
3. Some people are not seen as entitled to grieve.
4. The circumstances of the death are denied.
5. The way grief is expressed is judged by others.

The specific circumstances around these definitions vary by culture, community, and individual family norms.

Some examples of loss that may not be accepted by social groups or society include:

• Pet loss
• Death of someone who was incarcerated or a former inmate
• Pregnancy loss
• Death of someone who was not considered to be in an appropriate or acceptable relationship, such as in the case of an affair or the loss of a same-sex partner in societies where those relationships are not accepted
• Death of a former spouse

Some losses are not related to death but still cause disenfranchised grief, because they bring significant loss and are not commonly accepted as losses. These include:2

• Diagnosis of a chronic illness in yourself or a loved one, including a physical or mental health illness
• Diagnosis of a disability
• Loss of a job

Recognizing Disenfranchised Grief

In Yourself

When grief is disenfranchised, other people don’t recognize the relationship that existed, the loss experienced, or the pain and feelings of the person who is grieving.3 This can be a lonely way to grieve, and it might feel as though it’s not OK to mourn the loss. Experiencing disenfranchised grief usually forces a person to grieve alone and in silence.

In some situations, people cause self-disenfranchised grief. This occurs when we deny ourselves the right to grieve an experienced loss. This can be intentional or unintentional and is characterized by separation from or lack of acknowledgment of the loss.1

In Someone Else

Grief should be expected after any major loss. Grief is natural and normal and allows us to work through the pain of coping with loss. When someone experiences a significant loss that isn’t commonly accepted by society and that person never talks about the loss, the subject of the loss, or how they are doing, they could be experiencing disenfranchised grief.

Societies establish rules and expectations about how to grieve. Even when a person is surrounded by people who care, they may feel isolated and unable to communicate how they are feeling for fear of judgment or lack of understanding. The person likely won’t want to discuss their experience even when directly asked.4

Other Types of Grief

There are many ways to experience grief. Grief is a unique and individual process, and the responses and reactions that follow a loss depend on the person, the circumstances surrounding the loss, the individual’s support system, and other stressors and traumatic experiences from the person’s life.

Grief that naturally follows a loss and allows a person to mourn in a way that brings meaning over time is considered normal grief. Though there is no timeline within which to grieve, in a normal grieving process, emotional reactions usually diminish within the months following the loss.

Sometimes, grief is complicated by different factors related to the individual who is grieving, the surrounding community, and societal expectations. These are some other ways grief is categorized:5

• Anticipatory grief is grief that is generally expected, such as when a person is an older adult or has been sick for a long time.
• Traumatic grief occurs when a loss is sudden or unexpected and is followed by feelings of shock and trauma.
• Complicated grief occurs when the circumstances of the loss prevent the intensity of grief symptoms from lessening over time. This is usually associated with violent or complex losses, such as homicide and suicide.
• Ambiguous grief happens when a loss does not bring emotional or psychological closure. This occurs either when the person is physically present but psychologically absent, as in the case of dementia, or when the person is psychologically present but physically gone, such as when a person is missing.

How Disenfranchised Grief Differs

Disenfranchised grief is different from other ways of grieving in that the outward expression of grief is not publicly accepted. This puts a person’s feelings in conflict with what others deem to be a real loss or one worth grieving.

Disenfranchised grief can occur even when there are other types of grief present, however. A loss can be anticipatory and also disenfranchised. Similarly, a loss can cause disenfranchised grief that turns complicated over time or that is traumatic in nature.5

What sets disenfranchised grief apart is that it does not bring out sympathy in others. This sends the message that it is not acceptable to feel or express the pain and emotions that naturally follow loss.5

Coping and Finding Validation

Finding validation can be difficult when the loss is not recognized by others. If common rituals like attending funerals and holding remembrance ceremonies are not an option, creating new rituals can bring meaning to the loss and provide a way to cope. Things that allow for honoring the loss, the person, and the relationship can bring comfort and a path to begin healing.6

Talking with a mental health professional can also be a way to find validation and sympathy when grief is disenfranchised. Grief therapy provides the space to talk about the pain of the loss and discover different ways to mourn.

Summary

Disenfranchised grief occurs when family members, social groups, and/or society don’t recognize a loss. This nonrecognition can be of a loved one who died, the relationship that existed, the person who is grieving, or the value of the loss that occurred.

When a person is unable to express their feelings and pain associated with grief, it can prolong the intensity of bereavement, cause feelings of isolation and loneliness, and complicate the natural grieving process. Seeking support from a grief therapist can provide validation and the support needed to recognize and work through the loss.

A Word From Verywell

Working through grief can be difficult even under normal circumstances. If you are grieving a loss that is not recognized or accepted by others, or if you feel you cannot talk about the person who died or the pain you are experiencing with loved ones, you could be experiencing disenfranchised grief.

To work through the most intense parts of grief, it’s helpful to find validation and support, which can come from a grief therapist. Talking with a mental health professional can provide the sympathy and space to process the loss and allow you to mourn in a healthy way.

Frequently Asked Questions

• When was disenfranchised grief first recognized?

  The term disenfranchised grief was first published by licensed mental health counselor Kenneth J. Doka in the 1980s. Since then, Doka and other bereavement professionals have published many findings on the topic.

• Why is grief overlooked for some people and validated for others?

  There are many factors that determine whether a person’s grief will be validated, including the type of loss, the relationship to the deceased, societal norms, and family culture and values. Circumstances like suicide, romantic relationships outside marriage, and other stigmatized situations can isolate those who are grieving. This makes them unable to talk about their loss, seek support from others, and outwardly mourn.

• Is ambiguous loss the same as disenfranchised grief?

  Both ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief are types of complicated losses that can cause prolonged grieving. Ambiguous loss occurs when there is no emotional closure, and disenfranchised grief happens when a person’s loss is not supported by others.

  Though they are different classifications of grief, a person can experience both at the same time. For example, a person in a same-sex relationship in a place where homosexuality is not accepted would experience ambiguous loss if that person went missing, and disenfranchised grief because the loss could not be openly grieved.

• How long does disenfranchised grief last?

  Grief does not follow a specific timeline. For many people, grief takes different forms and comes and goes for a long time. For those experiencing disenfranchised grief, the intensity of the feelings from the loss can be prolonged due to not being able to outwardly mourn. For most people, the pain of grief will lessen in the weeks to months following the loss. For those experiencing complicated or prolonged bereavement, the intense feelings of grief could last years.

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A psychologist shares ways to cope with a lack of closure

It’s been more than 40 years since family therapist Pauline Boss, PhD, first coined the term “ambiguous loss” and published her book by the same name.

In its simplest sense, “ambiguous loss” refers to loss without closure. And today, the term has never been more relevant, especially as we continue grappling with the many ways the COVID-19 pandemic has upended our lives.

Psychologist Kia-Rai Prewitt, PhD, delves deeper into this concept, including its original meaning and how it’s especially applicable today.

“Dr. Pauline Boss created this term to refer to a lack of information and closure that surrounds the loss of a loved one,” Dr. Prewitt says.

At its core, ambiguous loss is all about a lack of resolution — but Dr. Boss created categories to differentiate between physical and psychological loss.

Type-one ambiguous loss

Type-one deals with physical loss, like when you don’t know for sure whether someone you love has died or what has happened to them. Think, for example, of a parent whose child has been kidnapped or a person whose spouse has gone missing on military deployment.

Dr. Boss calls this category “physical absence with psychological presence,” a type of ambiguous loss that occurs when someone you love is physically absent under unknown, uncertain or unresolved circumstances.

Examples include loss as a result of:

• Unexplained disappearances, like kidnapping.
• War and acts of terrorism.
• Deportation and genocide.
• Natural disasters.

This type of ambiguous loss can also come from a loss of contact, even if you know where the person is or what has happened to them. This kind of ambiguous loss includes circumstances like:

• Divorce.
• Adoption.
• Estrangement.
• Incarceration.
• Separation due to immigration.

“As an example, think about what happens after a divorce,” Dr. Prewitt says. “You know your ex-spouse still exists, but they are no longer in your life the way they used to be when you were married. That’s ambiguous loss, too.”

Another modern example is the trend toward ghosting — when someone you’re dating just stops responding and falls out of touch, leaving you without answers.

Type-two ambiguous loss

This type of ambiguous loss refers to a psychological loss, including a mental or emotional disappearance (like when someone’s personality has changed so much that they no longer seem like the person you once knew).

Dr. Boss describes it as “psychological absence with physical presence.” Your loved one is physically present, but they’ve changed, whether emotionally or cognitively (or both).

Examples include changes caused by:

• Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia.
• Traumatic brain injury.
• Drug and/or alcohol addiction.
• Depression or other chronic mental illness.

“A common example I see is when I work with couples,” Dr. Prewitt notes. “A spouse says they want the person their partner used to be, especially if that partner has a mental or physical illness or has experienced a traumatic event during the course of the relationship.”

Why ambiguous loss is so hard to handle

​Usually, closure is an important piece of the complicated puzzle that is grief. It provides us with some way to process what’s happened. “We typically crave closure because our brains are wired to analyze information and our environment,” Dr. Prewitt explains.

When someone dies of known causes, even when it’s sudden or particularly traumatic, we are, at least, able to comprehend that a loss has happened. Death is concrete — but ambiguous loss doesn’t offer any sense of closure.

This is especially true in the case of open-ended disappearances — say, if your child has run away from home or your partner is presumed dead after a hurricane. But there’s also no closure when a parent’s personality changes as a result of Alzheimer’s or when a friend’s mental illness makes them nearly unrecognizable to you.

“When we don’t have all the information, we lose our sense of control, and our thoughts fill in the blanks,” Dr. Prewitt says. “Those thoughts can be terrifying because there is nothing to confirm if what you’re thinking is right or wrong.”

How ambiguity impacts the grief process

“I see ambiguous loss as a type of complicated grief,” Dr. Prewitt says. “You’re often left longing for what used to be or for answers to questions.”

Grief looks different for everyone, and there’s no one “right” way to grieve. But it’s common to move through five stages of grief:

1. Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.

People who are grieving a loss go in and out of these stages of grief in no particular order — but when you’ve experienced an ambiguous loss, you may become stuck in any one stage. This is sometimes referred to as “frozen grief” or “grief limbo.”

“It can feel like an ongoing trauma because there is no answer,” Dr. Prewitt says.

And if you’re experiencing type-two ambiguous loss, other people may not even recognize that you’re grieving at all.

“Ambiguous losses can feel isolating because they can be ignored,” Dr. Prewitt says. “This makes it especially difficult for the person experiencing the loss.”

Ambiguous loss and the COVID-19 pandemic

Ambiguous loss has historically referred to individual loss — when a person has disappeared, left or somehow changed. Now, though, so many of us are experiencing loss, and it’s not always centered on a person.

“Everyone has lost something during the pandemic, whether they recognize it or not,” Dr. Prewitt says. “People lost access to social connections, jobs, childcare and being able to go places without doing a risk assessment first. A lot of couples’ relationships either withstood the stress of being together constantly, or their issues were exacerbated.”

In other words, things have changed. And if you wish things could go back to the way they used to be before the pandemic, you’re not alone.

“Humans crave consistency and predictability, so when things are unpredictable, such as the pandemic, we often feel anxious, depressed and isolated,” Dr. Prewitt says.

None of us got any closure on our old way of life before the pandemic forced us to transition into a stressful new one. It seems like this version of life is our new normal, but it’s understandable to experience grief for everything we’ve lost.

Other factors that contribute to ambiguous loss

It’s not just the pandemic, either. Researchers are also looking into how social and political conditions — like climate grief and the trauma of racial injustice — can lead to feelings of ambiguous loss, too.

“For communities of color who identify with Black Americans like Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd, there is a constant reminder that society views and treats them differently,” Dr. Prewitt says.

Tips for coping with ambiguous loss

If you’re experiencing ambiguous loss, here are some suggestions for dealing with the grief, stress and sadness that can accompany it.

1. Name what you’re going through

The kind of ambiguous loss brought on by the pandemic, in particular, can be a sneaky kind of loss. You might not even recognize your grief for what it is — but now you have a name for it. Sometimes, just being able to put a label on what you’re experiencing can help you begin healing.

2. Work toward acceptance

Acceptance isn’t the same as closure. But in the absence of closure, Dr. Prewitt says it’s important to try to make peace with this new reality.

“It takes work to accept that things are different and may never go back to the way they used to be,” Dr. Prewitt says.

3. Reach out for support

Depending on the circumstances of your loss, other people in your life might realize that you’re struggling, which can be especially isolating. Dr. Prewitt recommends identifying and connecting with family or a close friend who can help support you. And especially in pandemic times, you may be surprised to learn that they’re having similar experiences. 

You can also look for a support group for people who’ve experienced the kind of loss you have.

4. Look for silver linings

Without veering into toxic positivity territory, try seeing some of the good within the bad. What has come your way — like new friendships or personal growth — that wouldn’t have if your life had stayed the same?  

“It can feel overwhelming and disheartening to know that things won’t go back to the way they were,” Dr. Prewitt says, “but it can also be an opportunity to create new meaning for yourself or with others.”

5. Get involved in a cause

“Some people cope with loss through action, like joining organizations focused on different issues that have personal meaning,” Dr. Prewitt says.

And if you choose to get involved with an organization related to the sort of loss you’ve experienced — say, an Alzheimer’s charity if your loved one has dementia, or a relief organization if you’ve lost someone to a natural disaster — you may also end up connecting with other people who’ve been where you are.

6. Be kind to yourself

Try giving yourself grace and gentleness as you work through your grief. “This is a time for self-compassion,” Dr. Prewitt encourages. “Be kind to yourself when you’re struggling with difficult emotions, the same way you would provide compassion to someone else if they were experiencing what you are.”

When to ask for help

If you find that you’re having trouble coping, look for a therapist who can help you work through your pain. It may be helpful to search for a therapist who specializes in grief or who has training in the particular type of loss you’re experiencing. You don’t have to deal with ambiguous loss on your own.

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