Saying Goodbye – Page 70 – The Amateur's Guide To Death & Dying

December 29, 2013February 7, 2014

Grave marker project helps bury the blues

Blues guitarist Tommy Bankhead rubbed shoulders with some of the genre’s royalty, from Howlin’ Wolf and Elmore James to Albert King and Sonny Boy Williamson.

But visitors to the overgrown St. Louis cemetery where Bankhead was buried more than a decade ago would never know his musical legacy. Or his name.

Be it neglect, inattention or hard times, Bankhead’s family never added a grave marker to his burial plot. That will soon change thanks to the Killer Blues Headstone Project, a nonprofit effort to bring belated recognition to long-forgotten blues musicians.

Though the group has posthumously honored musicians as far away as California, its efforts are concentrated in a fertile blues corridor that stretches from the Mississippi Delta through St. Louis, north to Chicago and Michigan.

“These guys gave so much to America via music,” said Aaron Pritchard, the project’s vice president. “They deserve a headstone.”

Pritchard, 33, grew up on rock ‘n’ roll and discovered the St. Louis blues scene after high school but stopped playing music for a living to raise his two small children. A retail manager by day, Pritchard must be equal parts musicologist, cultural historian, archivist and Internet detective for the blues genealogy project.

Several years ago, he met a kindred spirit in Steven Salter of Whitehall, Mich., whose own search for his musical idols began with a detour to the Chicago area while en route to the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival.

After stopping at the graves of McKinley Morganfield, better known as Muddy Waters, and Chester Burnett (aka Howlin’ Wolf), Salter found an unmarked grave for blues pianist Otis Spann. A letter bemoaning Spann’s fate to a blues magazine ignited a successful fundraiser and convinced Salter to launch the headstone project in 2008.

“I figured if I didn’t get to see them while they were alive, I could at least stop by their gravesites and pay my respects,” the 62-year-old said. “When I got there, there was nothing but a piece of grass.”

While heartfelt, the project’s efforts remain modest. They have laid 22 headstones, with several more completed but awaiting placement. The flat grave markers cost between $300 and $400 each and are engraved with the artist’s dates of birth and death, along with images of keyboards, saxophones, musical notes or guitars.

There’s no shortage of candidates: The project’s website lists another two dozen late musicians whose earthly whereabouts are unknown. And Pritchard carries a dog-eared reference book that lists the vital statistics of more than 1,400 blues players, organized by state.

The headstone project follows the path of earlier efforts like the Mount Zion Memorial Fund, which emerged two decades ago when the Mississippi church where blues legend Robert Johnson was buried faced foreclosure. Record label executives and musicians such as John Fogerty and Bonnie Raitt led the efforts to honor Johnson, James and other prominent names.

The Killer Blues project, by contrast, tends to seek out the less famous sidemen, musicians such as Bankhead, a fixture on the St. Louis blues scene who nonetheless had to make ends meet by also working as a sheriff’s deputy and a security guard. Several appreciative family members, including his youngest daughter and her two children, attended an October benefit concert to raise money for Bankhead’s marker.

“I really appreciate what they’re doing for the people,” said Willette Hare, who dated Bankhead. “I thought it was marvelous.”

In early December, the project honored Aaron “Pinetop” Sparks, a hard-living boogie-woogie piano player credited with writing the standard “Every Day I Have the Blues” before his death in 1935 at age 27. Sparks’ grave was unmarked for another 78 years before Pritchard laid a stone at a historically black cemetery in suburban St. Louis.

While some of the project’s graveside ceremonies lead to late-night jam sessions, the Sparks service was somber and simple, with only Pritchard, the cemetery superintendent and several reporters present.

Once the stone was secured, Pritchard placed his iPhone on the ground, Sparks’ signature rollicking song filling the silence.

Complete Article HERE!

December 28, 2013February 7, 2014

Cemetery Art

November 23, 2013

Pet Memorials

The profound grief many experience after the death of a beloved pet is as tangible as the grief we experience for a beloved human.

November 16, 2013

This Man’s Note About His Late Wife

“A guy came into my restaurant alone and sat at a table and only ordered a coke. He looked sad so we thought something weird was going on. However, after he left, we found this note on a napkin with about $3 in change on the table. We all teared up after we read this.”

November 11, 2013

Who’s gonna tell the kids?

“People’s deepest fears about death and dying often spring straight from a traumatic childhood incident or misshapen belief about the end of life that was passed on to them when they were kids.”

In previous postings I’ve talked about how postponing any thoughtful consideration of our death till it’s too late, can have disastrous consequences for us in terms of preparing for the inevitable. I addressed how our death-denying culture provides precious few opportunities for us to deal healthily with our mortality before it comes crashing in on us.

Why is dealing with death so hard for us? Early childhood messages about death sure don’t help. Think spooks, skeletons, things that go bump in the night, and specter of hell and damnation. From a young age, most of us have had it drilled into our heads that we shouldn’t ask questions or even talk about death because it’s either inappropriate, it’ll bring bad luck, or worse, hasten death.

How many times, as a child, did a relative, family friend, or even a beloved family pet simply disappear, never to be heard from or spoken of again? Or perhaps you were told that the absent loved one is now in heaven or asleep with the angels, the “D” word being avoided like Aunt Agnes’s infamous tuna surprise? Or maybe, when you were a kid, you were told that someone you knew had died, but that you wouldn’t be able to go to the funeral because that was no place for kids. And how much of the confusion, bewilderment, and unresolved grief from your childhood are you still carrying around with you today? Is it any wonder that, when faced with the prospect of our own death, we often feel like we’ve been ordered to belt out our swan song without ever having an opportunity to learn the tune.

In the first chapter of my book, The Amateur’s Guide To Death And Dying, I ask my readers to confront head-on the un-golden silence that surrounds the end of life. I invite them to consider the early messages they got about death and dying. I ask; how old were you when you first heard about or witnessed these things? What were the messages you picked up about death and dying from the movies or television? People often report that their deepest fears about death spring straight from a traumatic childhood incident or misshapen belief about the end of life that was passed on to them when they were kids. And, not surprisingly, most people report that they continue to carry these fears with them as adults.

I believe that’s criminal. I also believe that there is a better way to handle this delicate matter with young people than avoiding it, sidestepping it, or perpetuating a misconception. I believe we can break the vicious cycle of our culture’s death phobia by refusing to contaminate another generation with it. It would take a concerted effort, of course, and it would mean that we would have to resolve ourselves of our own fears first, but I believe it’s doable.

A good place to begin this effort is with the stories we read to and tell our children. Stories, both written and recited, become the basis of our children’s understanding of the world. Stories contribute to their language development as well as their critical thinking, and coping skills. Death and grief are particularly thorny subjects to communicate to children, not because our children are incapable of grasping the message, but because we, the adult storytellers, are often unprepared for, or uncomfortable with, the topics ourselves.

To address this problem, I developed a workshop titled: Exploring Death and Grief Through the Medium of the Children’s Story. In this workshop I help adults choose age specific messaging and images for their storytelling. I help them mold the basic concepts about death and bereavement into the arc of their story. And finally, I offer the workshop attendees tips on writing and illustrating their own story with the kids in their life.

By way of example, I share with my audience my latest children’s story, Longfellow And The Deep Hidden Woods. This is the story of Longfellow, the bravest and noblest wiener dog in the world. As my story begins, Longfellow is a puppy learning how to be a good friend to his human companions, old Henry and Henry’s nurse Miss O’weeza Tuffy. By the end of the story, Longfellow has grown old himself, but he is still ready for one final adventure. What happens in between throws a tender light on the difficult truths of loss and longing as well as on our greatest hopes. Curiously enough, all the adults who have read my story say they think it’s actually a book for adults. Maybe so! I can be really subversive like that.

Writing and illustrating a children’s story with your kids can be an amazing bonding experience for both the adult and the child, but this is especially true when the topics are death and bereavement. It’s a project that will open the door to a life-long appreciation for and the affirmation of life, especially it’s final season. The discussion that will be part of your story-writing project will also help you reshape the coming generation’s perceptions about the end of life. It may also help you rethink the early message you received about death and dying when you were a kid.

My workshop ends with one proviso. I caution the adults in my workshop not to wait until there’s a pressing need for the story writing or telling. I encourage them to start now, before grandpa or the beloved family pet is dead. I suggest that they get a jump on this project right away. Because, if they do, it won’t appear to their kids like they are trying to play catch up when death comes calling. I mean think about it; we don’t hold off teaching young people arithmetic till they get their first job making change at the grocery or the fast food counter, right?

Try to imagine how writing a story about death and grief with your kids or grand kids will change the trajectory of their life in terms of their understanding of this fundamental fact of life. Imagine if someone asks your kids or grand kids, twenty or forty years from now, what their earliest memories about death and dying are. Surely they will think back fondly on the time they spent with you as you helped them understand the marvelous cycle of life.

Will this one exercise inoculate your kids or grand kids from all the culturally induced fears, apprehensions and superstitions that abound in our death-phobic society? Probably not! But as the old adage goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

November 3, 2013November 4, 2013

Join Us In This Crowd Funding Effort

The Amateur’s Guide is happy to be a cosponsor for a new crowd funding project that deals with death and bereavement.

Longfellow and the Deep Hidden Woods

Every veterinarian, animal clinic, and rescue service should have this book for their clients when a beloved pet dies. Help us give this gift of comfort.

Who’s going to tell the kids?

Children often have difficulty processing the death of a family member or a beloved pet. All too often children are excluded from any meaningful discussion about this important life transition. This oversight leaves kids guessing about the sudden disappearance of the loved one or pet and no way to process their grief. It can also have a devastating effect on a child’s development. So much of the confusion, bewilderment, and unresolved grief from childhood is often carried into adulthood.

We think there’s a better way.

A good place to begin is with the stories we read with and to our children. Stories become the basis of a child’s understanding of the world. They contribute to their language development as well as their critical thinking, and coping skills. Death and grief are particularly thorny subjects to communicate to children, not because children are incapable of grasping the message, but because we, the adult storytellers, are often unprepared for, or even uncomfortable with, the topics ourselves

Let’s face it; there are precious few children’s books available that tackle the important topics of death and bereavement.

This is where Longfellow And The Deep Hidden Woods comes in.

Longfellow and the Deep Hidden Woods

Dr. Richard Wagner is one of America’s leading experts in the field of death, dying and bereavement. And he is the author of Longfellow And The Deep Hidden Woods.

Longfellow, the bravest and most noble wiener dog in the world, is a puppy at the beginning of the story. He is still learning how to be a good friend to his human companions — old Henry and Henry’s nurse Miss O’weeza Tuffy. By the end of the story, Longfellow has grown old himself, but he is still ready for one final adventure. What happens in between throws a tender light on the difficult truths of loss and longing as well as on our greatest hopes.

Besides the thoughtfully crafted and heartwarming story there is page after page of beautiful and charming illustrations provided by the award-winning Spanish artist, David Cantero.

We believe that Longfellow And The Deep Hidden Woods is the ideal tool for parents and grandparents to help the little ones consider the end of life before that reality comes crashing into their lives.

Veterinarians, animal clinics, and rescue services all need this book!

Veterinarians, and all the wonderfully dedicated people who assist them, are on the frontline in service to animals. Attending sick, elderly, and dying animals is part of the job description of these valiant caregivers.

Now here is a way for you to help these heroes of animal care.

We believe that Longfellow And The Deep Hidden Woods will aid these professionals in the difficult task of preparing their clients, children and adults alike, for the death of their beloved pet.

The Longfellow book will also help the grieving human companions come to grips with the anguish they feel.

Imagine the impact your gift of the Longfellow book will have on all the people who dedicate their lives to the service of animals. And how your gift will ease their burden as they carry the news of an impending or actual death.

Imagine the impact your gift of the Longfellow book will have on someone, or some family, who is left alone to process the grief involved with the death of a beloved pet.

Imagine how your gift of the Longfellow book will help open a discussion about all the seasons of life for those who need it most. And what a bonding experience this will be for both children and adults.

This delightful, uplifting, and life-affirming story will change the lives of so many people, and that will happen because of your generosity. Please join us in getting this wonderful book in the hands of those who deal directly with sick and elder animals and grieving humans.

Thank You!

Thank you in advance for your help. Longfellow thanks you, too!

Click HERE to join the effort!

**We are delighted to announce that all books sent directly to our sponsors will be signed by the author and by Longfellow. The beautiful 24″ X 24″ limited run, full-color posters featuring some of the charming illustrations from the Longfellow book, offered as our gift to sponsors at $500, $1000 and $5000 levels, will also be signed by the author. They are suitable for framing.

October 25, 2013October 25, 2013