[A] local family from the Cascade Shores housing development is in hot water for attempting to cremate a deceased relative on Scotts Flat Lake earlier today. The Barstad family recently suffered the loss of the family’s patriarch, Norman Barstad, who had lived with the family at their Spanish Lane home. The senior Barstad, who was 92 years old when he passed last week, requested that he receive a full Viking burial on the water. The family agreed to his last wish. Unfortunately, neither the Nevada County Health Department nor the Sheriff (who answered numerous 9-1-1 phone calls) seemed to think this was a good idea.
“Generally, the burning of bodies on an open and public water space is frowned upon,” said Nevada County Sheriff Keith Royal in a prepared press statement. “And although there are no specific laws preventing a traditional Viking funeral on Scotts Flat, you can’t just set stuff on fire and send it off into the lake. Especially things as explosive as this.”
According to witnesses at the lake, the Barstad family gathered on the shore of the Nevada Irrigation District-owned lake around 11 AM on Friday. A large Dodge truck was towing what appeared to be a homemade pontoon boat. There is some debate about the make-up of the boat. Some said that it looked like a pile of logs; others said it looked like a re-purposed pontoon boat covered in kindling. What is not in question is what happened once it arrived in the middle of the lake and detonated.
“Yeah I was fishing,” said area handyman Hank Snow in a Scooper telephone interview. “I saw these guys lower this homemade pile of sticks down the boat launch ramp. I didn’t think much of it because, well, you know, this is Nevada County and I figured it was a back-to-nature type of thing. But when no one got on the boat and then about 200 yards out it exploded into flames, I was like, ‘holy [redacted]’ and I called 9-1-1. There was debris flying everywhere. I think I got hit with a detached finger.”
Jimmie Barstad, the son of the incinerated father who organized and built the cremation boat, said that he may have “overstocked” the vessel with too much gasoline and surplus illegal fireworks from the last 4th of July.
“Well, I wanted to make sure that it went off and worked,” said a somewhat proud and nervous Jimmie Barstad. “So I really stuffed that thing with everything flammable I could find. I just didn’t think gasoline would explode like that. I thought it would work more like the lighter fluid on my Weber grill. So the explosion scared the heck out of everyone. We’re still picking up pieces of Dad all over Cascade Shores.”
Instead of engulfing the senior Barstad in gentle and majestic Viking flames, the homemade barge violently exploded, sending bits of the senior Barstad flying over Cascade Shores. While some of the remains of Mr. Barstad immediately disintegrated from the intense explosion, some body parts landed around the development.
“I heard this explosion in the distance,” said Cascade Shores resident Sherry Smith. “I didn’t think much of it at first because we’re always hearing crap like that up here. You know, shotguns and whatnot. It wasn’t until I heard a thump on my metal roof. I went outside and right as I looked up, part of a leg slid down and whacked me in the head. It was pretty horrible.”
Other neighbors reported mostly wood debris in, on, and around their properties. One local family was struck by flying fragments while using their powerboat.
“We were out there with the family,” said Stacy Grant of Nevada City. “We had borrowed my Dad’s boat and were tooting around the lake. We didn’t see the explosion. We heard it. We were up by the dam, which was kinda far away. We still got showered with a bunch of sticks and things. I hope they were just things.”
As for the Barstad family, they have no regrets about giving their patriarch a proper Viking burial.
“It’s the Viking way,” said Jimmie Barstad describing the last wish of his now incinerated father. “We were happy to pay the fine to give Dad the burial he wanted. We knew there would be some risk, but this is Nevada County and we hoped that no one would notice or care that much. Turns out we were correct, except for the Sheriff and County officials. I hope to have my burial on Lake Tahoe someday. But that will be a trickier one for my kids to figure out. I’m glad they got to see their Grandpa leave us like this. It was a special day for everyone.”
How to Plan a Home Memorial Service for Your Departed Loved One
[H]aving a memorial for a loved one after their passing is an important part of the grieving process. It’s a time to honor them, share memories with family and friends, and say goodbye. Some families find that there’s no better place to hold this personal event than at home, but knowing exactly where to start the planning process — especially amid the grief of a loss — can feel overwhelming.
This guide will help you plan a beautiful, meaningful home memorial service for a recently departed loved one. Proceed with patience and plenty of support. With a little time and the right planning, you can hold a service that will allow your family to come together and say goodbye.
Choosing a kind of service: Memorials vs. Funerals
The services and items you’ll need in planning a home memorial will vary depending on the kind of service you’ll have. Your loved one may have left instruction on their final arrangements, but if not there are two main options: memorials and funerals.
Memorial
Memorials usually involve a group of family and friends coming together to mourn the loss of a loved one. There may be photos of the departed, flowers, and at least one eulogy, often from a surviving spouse, parent, or sibling. Some families also choose to have a religious or spiritual figure speak. The loved one is typically represented by a large photo, collection of photos, wreath, or if they’ve been cremated, their urn.
Food and drink are often incorporated into memorials, and can be organized in just about any format that works for you and your loved ones. Some memorials will offer light refreshments like water, coffee, crackers, cheese, and mini sandwiches. In other cases, the memorial is a potluck where family and friends are invited to bring a dish to share. Alcohol isn’t required, but it’s commonly offered — typically a basic wine selection is sufficient. Leftovers stay with the host or are given to the immediate family of the deceased (if the memorial is held at someone else’s home). For large memorials, it might be worth the expense to hire a caterer to provide finger foods, utensils, and drinks.
The location of the memorial within the house is entirely up to you; one convenience of a home memorial is that you can tailor it to be exactly how you want. Some families even choose to have a backyard service if the weather permits. The living room, den, or formal dining room are all good options, but ultimately it will depend on the space available in the house. You’ll need adequate room for your guests to chat amongst themselves before and after the service, seating for the formal eulogy or service, and places for people to set their food and drinks. Finally, there should be some kind of a dedicated space where the speakers will be clearly seen and heard, usually close to the visual representation of the deceased loved one.
Seating doesn’t necessarily have to be anything formal — though you can rent extra chairs if you have the space and finances to do so — and many people manage by bringing all the chairs in the home to the memorial space. Neighbors and other nearby family and friends will likely be able to bring over extra chairs if needed. Arrange them facing the speakers’ area, and do your best to leave clear pathways for guests.
Flowers are somewhat traditional for memorials, but can be quite expensive. A floral wreath with your loved one’s photo is often more than enough to create a beautiful and personal tribute and won’t cost too much, especially if multiple family members pitch in. If you do choose to buy additional floral displays, don’t be afraid to deviate from the normal white arrangements. A home memorial allows you to really personalize the experience, so consider choosing types and colors of flowers that will bring happy memories of your loved one: the peonies your mother carried on her wedding day, tulips the color of your brother’s prized ’67 Mustang, or the roses your grandmother grew in her garden, for example. Keep in mind that though they make a lovely addition to a home memorial, flowers are completely optional — often those that are sent by loved ones with condolences are enough to create the desired effect.
Another option in lieu of flowers is to collect money and donate to a charity that was near and dear to the deceased one’s heart. This donation can be made in the memory of the person who died to honor a cause that was meaningful to them. People often, most of the time actually, like to have those who would buy flowers donate to a nonprofit organization of their choice. This is often in memory of the person who died or even a cause that was near and dear to the deceased one’s life,
Large memorials may require a more advanced sound system. Some families like to play their loved one’s favorite songs (the volume level really depends on the tone of your memorial, but usually you’ll opt for the quiet side) or other calming music to soothe their guests before the service. Having a microphone and speaker set-up will make it easier for your eulogists to be heard, and even better if you have some kind of podium or raised step for them to stand on.
If finances are tight, you’ll likely be able to find a neighbor, family member, or friend who will have access to equipment you can borrow. Don’t be afraid to ask around; your loved ones will be hoping to lend a hand at this difficult time, so let them.
A funeral will require all the same considerations as a memorial, with the addition of handling the viewing. You’ll need to coordinate with a funeral home (to help prepare the body) and cemetery (for the burial) directly after your loved one’s passing; you don’t have to make any final planning decisions right away, but letting them know your situation and potential needs ahead of time can save you some time and stress later. Additionally, you’ll need to consider how much space you’ll need for the casket within your home memorial space.
Traditionally, families have purchased caskets directly from a funeral home or casket showroom, but options have increased in the last couple decades. Shop wisely, but don’t get too caught up in worrying about finding the “perfect” one. Your loved one wouldn’t want you to fret over it, and no one at the memorial will be focused on anything but their grief.
Though there are some individual facilities that handle body embalming and preparation, many families choose to work with a funeral home for these arrangements. You’ll need to provide an outfit for your loved one to be laid to rest in and any specific grooming details (hair styling, lip color, painted nails, etc). The funeral home will also request photos to use as reference so that the departed appears as natural as possible.
You should contact the funeral home soon after the passing of your loved one so as to keep the remains properly preserved. Determine a clear schedule and discuss plans for transportation. Make sure you’ll have the necessary assistance to physically move your loved one to and from your home, and clear a path through the house to make transport easier. Plan to have your loved one arrive half an hour to an hour early; you’ll want everything else to be set up so that you can direct the funeral home workers and troubleshoot any issues quickly.
You’ll also need to talk to the funeral home about what will happen to the remains after the memorial. If they will be buried within a few days of the funeral, the facility may agree to hold the remains until then and help transport them to the cemetery. Planning a burial service with the cemetery (and coordinating with the funeral home) will be a completely separate process, but you should plan on keeping the cemetery informed of all final arrangements. If your loved one opted for cremation, funeral home employees may pick up the remains after the memorial and take them directly to be cremated.
Seeking Additional Help
One of the most important parts of planning a home memorial is asking for help. Again, those close to you will be eager to help out in any way that they can, but often it’s enlisting their assistance in the smallest tasks that makes the biggest difference. If trusted family and friends are offering to provide child care or meals while you plan the memorial, accept it. If neighbors offer to help pick up family from the airport while you meet with the funeral home director, say yes. You’ll be able to focus on your planning and be more effective, and that accomplished feeling will likely help you relax more in your downtime.
Family and friends are extremely helpful when it comes to referrals, so ask around about funeral homes, cremation specialists, caterers, and florists. If you don’t have a necessary item for the memorial — like a podium for the eulogists or an easel for a photo display — ask friends, neighbors, and nearby relatives if they have anything that will suffice. It might be helpful to plan as much as you can, then create a master list of everything you still need and send it to loved ones who may be able to help. Emailing tends to be the preferred method of communication, but for quicker conversations it might be better to opt for a group text with specific loved ones who can pass on the information to others.
Social media is another helpful way to not only reach out to loved ones for help, but also keep everyone informed about the memorial. Creating an event or memorial page on Facebook can be a constant point of reference for friends and family no matter how far away they are. Most families elect a designated loved one to post updates and respond to questions, ideally someone with social media and tech savvy.
It’s important to remember that depending on the situation and the loss, there will be some people you should avoid burdening with favors. The spouse, children, and parents should be asked to do as little as possible outside of voluntary involvement; don’t shut them out of the planning process if they want to contribute, but be willing and prepared to help them make some of the major decisions as needed. If there is some kind of written document (be it a will or other personal document) that details your loved one’s final arrangements and wishes, ask to have access to it while you plan the memorial so you don’t have to constantly ask questions.
The truth is, planning a memorial for someone you love is never easy. Holding the event at home can make the grieving process feel less detached and allow for a much more personal experience. Keep in mind throughout the process that no minor detail, be it the material of the casket or the number of flowers, is worth fretting over. Putting your loved one to rest is about so much more than the physical details, so channel your energy into creating a loving environment for everyone to say goodbye.
[P]eople don’t generally think about how they want to celebrate the inevitable, but a few do. They may want a traditional party or they may want something more unusual: A sky burial in the mountains, a Viking funeral by a lake or if they’re really into history, they may want to get mummified.
If you’re among the few, you may want to rethink your options. But before we go into the why, let’s review some of these funeral practices.
What is a sky burial, a Viking funeral and mummification?
A sky burial, also known as a celestial funeral, is a simple practice in Tibetan culture where a corpse is left on a mountaintop to be devoured by birds of prey.
According to Tibet Vista, in Tibetan Buddhism philosophy it is believed that if vultures feed off the dead body, the dead has no sin and that their soul has gone peacefully into the heavens.
Strangers are not allowed to attend the ceremony and family members are not allowed to be present at the burial site.
A Viking (Norse) funeral is generally thought to have been the preferred method for disposing of a body in the Nordic countries. Legend has it that warriors and other high-ranking people were sent sailing away and were set ablaze so that their bodies had a higher chance of reaching Valhalla.
We said “legend” because that’s not how Nordic peoples disposed of their dead. Yes, it is true – you’ve been fooled by Hollywood once again.
Norse funerals actually involved making burial plots shaped as ships marked by stones, according to TheFuneralSource.
Cremation did take place, but it did not involve a boat sailing into the sunset.
The deceased were also disposed of with their goods they used in life, so they could use this in the afterlife.
Mummification is the process by which the skin and flesh of a dead person can be preserved for thousands of years, as was the case with pharaohs in ancient Egypt.
While the practice has died out, a company in Utah is offering “modern mummification” and not just for you – your pet can also join you in the afterlife if you so desire.
Tough luck, Colorado
If you left a mark in life and wanted to leave one in death, you may not want to have your body disposed of in the state of Colorado.
“Final disposition” of a body is defined by Colorado law as disposing of human remains by means of “entombment, burial, cremation, or removal from the state.”
Nowhere in the law is it stated that you are allowed to have a sky burial, a “Viking funeral” or get mummified by your relatives.
Allowed burial practices in the state of Colorado
There is no law that prevents you from burying a loved one on private property. But – there’s always a but – the burials must be recorded with your local county clerk 30 days after the burial has taken place.
Check with your county clerk before taking this step.
The same goes for scattering ashes – you must check with your local city and county offices to see what the regulations are and if you can proceed with the decedent’s wishes.
Want to scatter ashes in national lands, like Rocky Mountain National Park? It is allowed! But you have to have a permit to do so.
Green burials, a growing trend in Colorado
Less costly goodbyes known as “green burials” are growing in popularity in Colorado.
Natural Funeral, a Lafayette-based funeral service business, is helping people die as naturally as possible with minimal impact to the earth.
So what’s a green burial or natural funeral? It involves having the body placed directly into the ground in a pine casket or shroud. There is no fancy headstone, concrete vault, or costly casket. Instead, the company uses flat granite markers.
An Illinois couple married for 69 years have died within an hour of each other, family members tell US media.
Till death do us part: The couple first met in their native Argentina
Isaac Vatkin, 91, was holding the hand of his wife Teresa, 89, as she succumbed to Alzheimer’s disease on Saturday, the Daily Herald reported.
Isaac died 40 minutes later. Family members said they took comfort in knowing they were together at the end.
“You didn’t want to see them go,” said grandson William Vatkin, “but you couldn’t ask for anything more.”
The Vatkins sparkle on their wedding day
“Their love for each other was so strong, they simply could not live without each other,” said daughter Clara Gesklin at the couple’s joint funeral.
“They were always in love, literally to the end. To the last second,” said Rabbi Barry Schechter, who led the service at the Shalom Memorial Funeral Home in the Chicago suburb of Arlington Heights.
Staff at the local Highland Park Hospital found Mr and Mrs Vatkin unresponsive and breathing shallowly on Saturday and chose to place their beds side by side.
Family members positioned their hands so they touched.
The couple raised three children in Skokie, Illinois, and had a close relationship with their grandchildren, family members said.
Mr Vatkin had been a kosher meat distributor and Mrs Vatkin a homemaker and manicurist.
South Vietnamese funerals often include street performers such as fire eaters and snake handlers. Here a brass band watches as a performance takes place.
[G]iven the long and diverse history of human kind, it’s remarkable how alike customs can be in different parts of the planet.
That’s the idea behind a new exhibit at the Minneapolis Institute of Art opening this weekend. The show is built around a movie called “The Living Need Light, the Dead Need Music.”
That title is an almost direct translation of a Vietnamese phrase, said Tuan Andrew Nguyen, whose artist collective called the Propeller Group made the 20 minute film.
He said the title captures the essence of Vietnamese funeral practices.
“These ceremonies have to be lively and have a lot of music,” he said.
The Propeller Group film includes a well-known Vietnamese brass band which performs at funerals. For the film the group had them march in unusual places including mud flats.
Music at those funerals often comes from brass bands. And Nguyen, who spent part of his childhood in the U.S., said they reminded him of New Orleans jazz funerals, and that got it got him thinking.
“We found this really interesting kind of overlap between the two cultures that don’t speak to each other directly, yet they have like very similar ways of celebrating death,” Nguyen said.
That is part of the thinking behind “The Living Need Light, the Dead need Music.” The film is beautiful, engaging, and sometimes disturbing. It features many of the performers hired for funerals in Vietnam: professional mourners, acrobats, martial artists, fire eaters, snake handlers.
“For us, it’s about making a film that pays homage to the people that labor around the idea of death, “said Nguyen.
A central character in the film is Sam, a transgender woman. Transgender people often perform at Vietnamese funerals, one of the few places where they are welcomed.
While the Propeller Group is an artistic collective based in Ho Chi Minh City, Nguyen said, it initially described itself as an ad agency so it could get around government restrictions on film making.
Propeller described its early work as music videos, and it’s a term Nguyen uses for this work too.
“The film kind of sits on the edge of being documentary and fiction,” he said.
Minneapolis Institute of Art Photography and New Media Curator Yasufumi Nakamori said that was attractive to him. He realized he could build a show around the film using Mia’s vast collections.
“I invited them to collaborate with the museum, for them to select the objects and create the installations” Nakamori said.
Starting with the collection’s database, Nakamori and the Propeller Group searched for objects that reflected the ideas and artifacts in the film.
Minneapolis Institute of Art Curator of Photography and New Media Yasufumi Nakamori, left, and Propeller Group member Tuan Andrew Nguyen pose with a 10th century Chinese funerary mask. It’s at the entrance of the latest New Pictures exhibit at the Institute, which is based around a movie the Propeller Group made on Vietnamese funeral practices. The exhibit also includes artifacts from the museum’s collection and sculptures created by the Propeller Group. These include funerary masks of members of the Propeller Group, including Nguyen, created using 3D printers.
They gathered pieces from the Asian, African, Native American and classical collections, including a 4,000-year-old Egyptian model boat. It’s believed to be the oldest object in the Institute’s holdings.
As visitors enter the gallery, they see the film, playing continuously at the far end of the room. The objects stretch out towards the screen like a funeral cortege.
Mixed in with them are sculptures the Propeller Group made to build commonalities with the movie. A sixth century Buddha figure is surrounded by a gilded ring of fire similar to a scene in the film.
Also like in the film, there’s a huge ouroboros — or a ring formed by snakes, latching on to each other’s tails.
For the New Pictures show, Nguyen and Nakamori searched the Institute archive for pieces from cultures around the world with similarities to the images in the Propeller Group film.
The final effect of the show is somehow both alien and utterly familiar. Nakamori hopes visitors will recognizes the ideas if not the objects.
“I don’t want it to be just this exotic film from South Vietnam,” he said. “Rather I want a viewer to connect with their own lives.”
One example hangs on the wall at the entrance to the show: a 1,000-year-old gilt bronze funerary mask of a young woman. After seeing it Nguyen and another Propeller Group member had their own masks made using 3D imaging. They hang on the wall nearby.
“In these days and times where the selfie and the way that people imagine themselves and their portrait becomes so prevalent,” he said, “we wanted to rethink that.”
As Nguyen stood looking at his own death mask, he quietly said, “it’s surreal.”
There were about 150 people at my father’s memorial service.
[S]tanding in the receiving line afterward it seemed like every conversation, whether it was with an old friend or a total stranger, began with the exact same phrase, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Most conversations didn’t go far beyond that, partly because there’s not much to say in response except, “thank you.”
A few people managed to mix in another platitude like, “He’s in a better place now” or, “At least his suffering is over,” but it all started to sound like a broken record pretty quickly; one that I had heard many times before, seen played out in movies and even unknowingly participated in myself. Now it was being played for me at one of the most painful moments of my life, and the hollowness of that experience would literally change my course forever.
Why do so many of us struggle with what to say to someone who is grieving?
Perhaps it’s because of our cultural death phobia, and the way it pathologizes everything related to sadness. If we’re not better at dealing with grief, then it’s because we’ve never been taught better. Unfortunately, that leaves the majority of people with only one stock phrase in their repertoire, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Grieving Needs More than Clichés.
One problem is simply the overwhelming use of this one phrase, while simultaneously reserving it almost exclusively for the family. It seems as the close friends aren’t really grieving at all, while family members get the idea of loss hammered into them over and over.
Saying, “I’m sorry for your loss” is a bit like the cashier saying, “Have a nice day,” at the convenience store. It betrays a lack of original thought and is so pervasive it has become irritating for many.
When responses are this programmed, how sincere is the sentiment? As more people start to become irritated by it, choosing this particular phrase because it feels “safe” isn’t really that safe anymore.
Clarity Works. Euphemisms Don’t.
Using the language of loss as a euphemism for death is one of many ways in which our culture conceals the reality of death, perpetuates our phobias about it, and keeps us trapped. Spoken by a griever, “I lost my mother in 2015” is being used to avoid saying the word “died.” Spoken to a griever it expresses pity combined with distancing, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
The problem is that it’s linguistically incorrect. The verb “to lose” is active, something we do. The reality of grief is that someone else died. You didn’t lose them in the same way you would lose your car keys or your wallet, and depending on your religious convictions you may not feel like you lost them at all.
For most of my life, I definitely thought of deceased loved ones as lost because I was well trained by the culture to do so. Visiting a Native American friend one day I said something about losing someone and my friend responded, “You don’t have to lose someone just because they died.”
That was the first time I was exposed to the idea that it’s possible to live in the presence of the dead, not as frightening ghosts, but as honored members of the clan.
These days I’ve become accustomed to drawing comfort from the idea that I’m living in the presence of departed loved ones. Actually, speaking to them in quiet moments when I’m alone is one of several key components—like meditation, being in nature or remembering special occasions—I use to process my grief whenever it shows up. Whether one wishes to think about that in terms of psychology or in terms of the spiritual language, it seems completely irrelevant. All I know is that I find it helpful.
It’s the Wrong Mental Programming.
Experts in the field of grief care (Stephen Jenkinson, for example) are starting to recommend using the language of suffering, healing, and overcoming challenges instead. The language of loss refutes the notion that there might be an upside to grief, a spiritual deepening that can result from being exposed to something that’s an inevitable consequence of being born and choosing to love each other. By shifting to the language of suffering, healing, and overcoming challenges instead, death and grieving can once again become the redemptive processes I’ve come to believe they were always meant to be.
After personally experiencing the old cliché and its real world application thousands of times over several decades, I remember quite vividly the first time someone said, “I’m sorry for your suffering. I’m here with you.”
How different those words felt!
I immediately knew the stranger sitting next to me on a park bench somehow understood something that had been missed by all the close friends and family who had been sorry for my loss, but not present with my suffering.
Firstly, she knew I was suffering, and her use of the word “sorry” came across as authentic compassion rather than pity. Second, there was no distancing or avoidance in the way she said it. She knew what I needed most: validation of my grief and someone willing to listen, even if that meant listening through some tears. Best of all there was no judgment.
The Challenges Ahead.
Significant numbers of people are starting to open up about their dissatisfaction with this worn out cliché. Others seem almost determined to defend it as the ultimate expression of sympathy. What the defenders don’t seem to understand is that no one will ever be offended or hurt by not saying, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
For those wanting to improve their grief communication by eliminating clichés with more accurate, helpful, and authentic responses, but still aren’t sure what to say, here are a few other choices in no particular order. These are just a few of the many options available, and they can be combined in various ways to make them both personal and appropriate.
1. I’m sorry you’re suffering right now, but I’m here with you and willing to help any way I can. Is there anything you need right now?
2. I’m sorry for whatever challenges might lie ahead for you, but I’m here and willing to help. Would it be okay if I call next week just to check in with you?
3. Please accept my deepest condolences. I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now, but I know enough about grief to know that it can be very challenging. Don’t hesitate to call me if there’s anything I can do to help.
4. I’m so sorry to hear about _____. I’m sure you’re going to miss him/her terribly. How are you holding up?
5. I know there’s nothing I can say right now to make things better, but I also know that having someone to talk to at times like this is really important, so don’t hesitate to call me whenever you need to.
Follow any of those with what you loved most about the deceased or tell a story about a favorite memory of them, and I think most people will be pleased with the deep level of connection that’s instantly created. I’m absolutely certain the bereft will feel less isolated and better supported.
One reason is that the phrases above easily open into longer conversations, while “I’m sorry for your loss” tends to shut them down. In some cases, it’s even appropriate to simply remain silent and offer them a deeply heartfelt hug instead.
Most important of all is just being willing to listen and be present.
You were born. You will die. And now, thanks to the internet, you’ll be publicly mourned.
Loved ones will change their profile pictures to photos of you. Stories will be shared on Facebook, Twitter, Weibo, VK. People may even snap selfies of themselves attending your funeral.
As familiar as we’ve become with the digital world, we’re still in the midst of adapting to our emotion-filled existences lived online. As social media evolves, we’re changing the ways we interact. The result: new etiquettes and new normals for every aspect of the human experience.
Even mourning.
“Over millennia, different communications media have affected and influenced how people relate to the dead,” says Tony Walter, professor of death studies at the University of Bath. “I see online mourning as the latest chapter in a story with a very long history and prehistory.”
Walter has tracked the evolution of grief back to the Stone Age. From the development of writing and mass literacy to photography and the recording of sounds and images, all had an identifiable effect on how we mourn.
Some academics see a strong parallel between grief on the internet and the advent of photography in the 19th century.
“That was revolutionary, this idea that you could have an image of the deceased,” says John Troyer, director of the Centre for Death and Society at the University of Bath. He’s also a member of the Order of the Good Death, a group of funerary professionals, academics and artists working to demystify death in a culture that fears it.
“Any new technology that gets used when it comes to death will almost always cause a momentary panic or freak-out,” he says. “Whatever the technology is, it just seems inappropriate.”
Post-mortem photos are considered shocking now in western culture, but there’s an ancient precedent for the practice. Taking likenesses from the bodies of the dead dates back at least to Roman times, when death masks were cast in wax. The masks would then be displayed at home and sometimes worn at funerals.
Nipper the dog, now recognised as the mascot for audio label HMV, was originally painted listening to an Edison phonograph recording — as he sits perched atop a coffin. One of the technology’s imagined uses would be the preservation of the voices of the dead.
A form of the Roman tradition of wearing the masks has returned on Facebook, where users in mourning often change their profile photos to those of lost loved ones.
The practice is also reminiscent of Georgians wearing black armbands, which served as visual signals the wearer was bereaved. Grief, experts say, used to be expressed in public.
In the modern world, however, our lives allow only so much time to mourn. Jobs keep us busy, families are on schedules. In the US, the situation is exacerbated because there is no federal bereavement law allowing people time off to grieve.
“I really believe that a lot of these social media mourning rituals are popping up because people aren’t able to mourn in public spaces the way that they used to,” says Candi Cann, an assistant professor at Baylor University and author of “Virtual Afterlives: Grieving the Dead in the Twenty-First Century.” “People have this need to be recognised as grievers.”
The portable tombstone
We’ve always talked to the dead.
Since the invention of the phonograph in 1877, people imagined audio recordings would be used to capture loved ones’ final words and preserve the voices of those departed. In private moments, we might even respond with “I miss you,” “I wish you were here,” or “You always knew what to do.”
This kind of talk has now made its way onto the internet. A message posted to a dead friend or a remembrance on a birthday demonstrates someone’s memory lives on.
Social media lets you address the dead directly and demonstrate that their memory lives on.
“When people would go and visit the tombstone and they would talk to the deceased, now you’re seeing that on the internet,” says Cann. “It’s essentially this portable tombstone.”
Social media gives us the illusion that the dead are still among the living. You can go to a Facebook or Twitter profile to read the person’s posts and look at their photographs. You can address them directly and post on their timeline.
“Most people will address the dead directly in the second person,” the University of Bath’s Walter says. “They do it knowing other people are going to read this, which is really interesting because if you’re writing to somebody it sort of implies they’re there and in some kind of way hearing this or receiving it.”
I Was Here
One of the most contentious issues around online grieving is the funeral selfie. It’s just what it sounds like.
Mourners pull out their phones, snap photos of themselves and other bereaved, and post to their favorite social media sites. To many, it seems gauche, even self-centered. It’s the latest example of a new death practice and it feels shocking to some people. A famous Tumblr even documented the trend until 2013, when it stopped updating.
“I think it was just an easy way for adults to tut at youth, like, ‘My God what are the kids doing, the kids these days are being corrupted by the technology,'” Troyer says. “I’d be more surprised if younger people weren’t taking selfies at funerals, because that’s what the phone has turned into.”
For a generation that’s grown up with phones and social networking, Cann says the selfie is just another component of their visual diaries. She says she’s seen that in her own daughter, who had surgery when she was 6 years old and asked to have her photo taken as soon as the operation was over. She wanted to document that moment.
Funeral selfies are just another entry in what are public diaries. They say, “I’m here and this is an important moment in my life.”
The complicated deaths
There are much darker taboos than whether it’s acceptable to snap a selfie at Gran’s funeral, like the deaths no one wants to talk about. Miscarriage, sudden death, suicide, voluntary euthanasia.
These are “complicated deaths,” says The Order of the Good Death’s Sarah Chavez, who also co-founded Death and the Maiden and helps run Death Salon. Unlike the sad but expected death of an older person or an ill patient, these can be controversial endings that make people uncomfortable. The response to these deaths can be very different.
Rather than an outpouring of support, the bereaved can feel isolated — and sometimes worse, Chavez says, speaking from experience.
Three years ago, Chavez’s unborn child was diagnosed with a fatal disease. When she told anyone, even medical professionals, the reaction was same.
“From dealing with decisions to counselors to specialists to anybody who I told, there was an immediate recoil,” Chavez says. “No one wanted to face me or deal with me.”
People mourning these deaths may look to social media, hoping to find people who’ve experienced similar traumas. Online social groups also provide a barometer to see how people will react.
It’s not always for the better.
Chavez said she scoured the internet for people who had experiences similar to hers. She found few. And those who posted their experiences overwhelmingly faced hostility.
A woman she knew gave birth to a stillborn child and, in her grief, got a tattoo of the child’s scan. She then took a photo and posted it to social media.
The response, from hundreds of people, was devastating.
People berated the mother, telling her “she should go die,” Chavez recalls. “Somebody actually said, ‘This is creepy wrong shit’.”
That’s changing, if slowly.
Private, safe forums have sprung up. Facebook groups have been created for people processing these deaths to seek support from others feeling the same emotions.
“Social media has really created this space for marginalized communities,” Chavez says. “It can make people feel like they’re not alone, there are others out there that are grieving with them, or are hurting, or are angry, or whatever those emotions are.”
Sun setting on gravestones at Abney Park Cemetery in London.
Etiquette in all things
So how should you respond to bereavement online? It’s not very different from how you’d respond offline, says Daniel Senning, a manners expert and spokesperson at the Emily Post Institute, an etiquette organisation.
“The first major faux pas that often happens is that you don’t want to scoop the news,” Senning says, noting that information travels fast on social media. “You don’t want to precede the family’s announcement onto social media if you can help it.”
Those close to the deceased should be told in person, but social media is appropriate for making sure a person’s wider circle sees the news.
As for offering condolences, Senning says there’s nothing wrong with responding to the news of a death in the medium you heard it. But that doesn’t mean you have to.
Senning says a handwritten condolence note carries the most weight. “In today’s rich communication environment, in making the choice to send a handwritten note, the medium itself becomes part of the message,” he says.
The more things change…
As it always has, the way we mourn is evolving. The internet is democratizing grief, even if the technology leaves us uncertain. But it always has, if that’s any consolation.
“These are just new norms or evolving ones, some of which are quite old and some of which look brand new,” the University of Bath’s Walter says. “It’s difficult for people to kind of negotiate this terrain. But I think it always was.”
