I’m a funeral director and embalmer.

— These are the 8 things everyone gets wrong about what happens after we die.

I was a funeral director and embalmer for 11 years.
I learned a lot about our bodies and death by doing my job.
After an autopsy, brains usually are put back in the belly of the cadaver.

When I tell people I worked as a funeral director and embalmer for 11 years, I’m met with two responses: disgusted fear and excited curiosity. The latter are teeming with questions and are delighted to have an opportunity to ask. Fortunately, I consider it a privilege to educate people about mortuary science.

While I initially pursued a career in embalming because I loved the fusion of art and science, I stayed after discovering a passion for helping the living. By answering questions, I remove the stigma and taboo surrounding death and help people make informed decisions. It’s the one experience we will all share someday, so we may as well be prepared.

A lot of things happen to our bodies after death, but sitting up is not one of them

It’s possible for a dead body to have a tampon inside. The odds are low, considering the typical age for menstruation, the number of days a month someone menstruates, and the likelihood that a seriously ill person may not even have periods. That leaves unexpected or traumatic deaths, and those bodies nearly always have an autopsy. A tampon would be disposed of then. An un-autopsied body would have its tampon removed during the embalming process.

Brains usually end up in the belly after an autopsy. Returning them to the skull is like trying to put handfuls of Jell-O into a bowl that’s tipped on its side. It’s messy and impractical. If the brain isn’t kept for further investigation, it’s placed inside a plastic bag along with the rest of the dissected organs. The bag settles into the chest and abdominal cavities, and then the skin above is sutured together to seal it in.

You’ve probably heard someone retell the urban legend, but you should know that dead bodies don’t sit up. Try it yourself: while lying flat on the ground, try to sit up without using your arms or legs. There’s no way a corpse could organize that many large muscles and produce the energy required to perform such a feat. Movement is limited to minor twitches around the time of death.

We must remove pacemakers prior to cremation, or they’ll explode, potentially damaging the cremation chamber or injuring the operator. Since the FDA has only approved pacemakers as single-user devices, they’re prevented from being reused by other humans in the United States. The devices don’t go to waste, though. They’re recycled or implanted into dogs.

There are options that are environmentally friendly

People are not required to wear formal suits in their caskets. Bras aren’t mandatory either. There aren’t any fixed clothing rules unless your culture or religion dictates otherwise. We dress bodies in the clothing their families provide. If they forgo undergarments, their loved one goes commando for eternity. Embalmers prefer high necklines and long sleeves in case there are conditions to conceal. Otherwise, you do you.

You don’t need to be cremated to be buried at sea in the US. Full casket burials are allowed if you meet certain requirements. The casket must be stainless steel, with all plastic removed, and 20 holes must be drilled to allow flooding and venting. Six durable stainless-steel bands, chains, or natural fiber rope keep it shut, and added ballast helps it sink. A weighted biodegradable shroud may be used instead of a casket. The burial location must be at least three nautical miles from shore at a depth of at least 600 feet. Paperwork must be filed for statistical reasons and to avoid suspicion while dumping a body overboard.

A good funeral director won’t discourage you from exploring green options like natural burial, water cremation, or composting. We accommodate people who want embalming, cremation, or traditional burial, but it’s equally important to respect environmentally conscious alternatives. We can strike a balance between honoring the past and protecting the future.

Grief is different for everyone

Have you heard of the standard stages of grief? Forget them. Grief is highly individual and doesn’t follow a prescribed timeline. There’s no specific order. You may take one step forward, then two steps back.

It’s also normal to have multiple conflicting emotions simultaneously, like sorrow and joy or relief and guilt. Your experience will vary because of your relationship to the deceased, the nature of the death, your support network, and your cultural or religious background.

If your grief journey doesn’t match everyone else’s, don’t worry. You’re not doing grief “wrong.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

July 2, 2024July 1, 2024

How to talk about dying

Death – it’s the elephant in the room, but tackling confronting conversations about it should be top of your bucket list.

By Eva-Maria Bobbert

As far as dealing with death goes, Lisa Gallate inadvertently became an expert very early in life. By the age of 31 she’d lost her sister in a car accident, her first husband died by suicide, and her fit and seemingly healthy brother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

As we speak, she breaks the interview to take a call from New Zealand where her elderly father is being rushed to hospital in an ambulance after a sudden fall.

“To be honest, I feel like I’ve been dealing with death all my life,” says Lisa, who tackles the subject with admirable eloquence and down-to-earth pragmatism. “I’d much rather not have had the experience of the loss of so many loved ones, but maybe that’s why talking about end of life doesn’t feel confronting to me. In fact, I’ve learned that it’s the greatest gift that you can give those close to you.”

It’s not a gift many of us are giving. Research shows that although 90 per cent of Australians say that talking to their loved ones about their end-of-life wishes is important, only 27 per cent actually have the conversation. Given that almost three-quarters of deaths are expected, experts say we should all make more effort to talk about death for everyone’s benefit.

“Preparing for death is complex as it includes cognitive, practical and emotional preparedness,” says Professor Lauren Breen, who researches the psychology of grief and loss at Curtin University. “Knowing someone is dying doesn’t mean we’re automatically prepared for the death. It’s hard to be prepared emotionally when we don’t know exactly what will happen, when it will happen, or what the loss will mean for us.” All the more reason to tackle the topic head-on, according to Dr Breen, because that way you are able to honour someone’s wishes when the time comes.

For Lisa, who has authored a book on grief (Just Because, available for pre-order in October at fairplaypublishing.com.au), the end-of-life discussions she had with her mother offered a comforting sense of certainty when faced with sudden medical decisions. “The enormity and finality of death feels brutal when it happens, even if you’re expecting it,” says Lisa. “You’re in such a state of heightened emotion that it’s at least a relief to know that you’re not second-guessing their wishes.”

According to Dr Breen, although these conversations can be awkward and upsetting, they’re vital. “Make this a topic of conversation with family and friends before it needs to be, or before it’s too late,” she says. “Having things in place can help the people grieving the loss.”

Recording and updating those plans regularly is also important. When her mum died, Lisa discovered her mother’s will stated she wanted to be buried. “That was contrary to our many conversations where she said she wanted her ashes scattered in her homeland, in Ireland,” says Lisa.

“My dad firmly believes you need to be buried within the Christian faith to go to heaven and so we had to have that tough conversation right there and then. The nurses were waiting on our decision so they’d know how to prepare Mum’s body. It’s really so much better if families can avoid having those conversations in that moment because emotions are already heightened.”

The reality is that facing mortality, our own included, is confronting. In a post-pandemic world where daily death tallies were the norm, it’s easy to imagine that discussing dying with loved ones might have become less taboo, but recent research suggests we still prefer to avoid the short-term discomfort it brings, even if it leads to long-term pain.

“Death may feel too scary, sad or devastating to be raised for fear of opening up emotions that can’t be contained or supported,” says Melissa Reader, CEO of The Violet Initiative, a not-for-profit organisation that offers free advice and support to carers, friends and family of those facing end-of-life. “We might worry it will upset other family or friends, that talking about it might somehow make it happen, or it’s a sign we’ve given up hope for them. But if we plan together, then everyone involved understands how to make the experience the best it can be. This reduces regret after someone has died.”

So, how do you start the conversation? Dr Breen suggests using films and books dealing with death as a prompt for discussion. “Family photos can be another way. It doesn’t all have to discussed in one day,” she says. “In fact, it’s better if death and dying are part of the ongoing conversation we have with people close to us.”

You may even discover death can be a life-affirming topic. For Lisa, discussing her parents’ end-of-life plans got her thinking about what was meaningful in her own life, and prompted her to set goals to achieve these dreams. “I love [rabbi and author] Harold Kushner’s idea that not only do we inherit someone’s assets, we also inherit their unlived years,” says Lisa. “It’s a precious legacy, a reminder to live life to the fullest.”

Even now, in the midst of arranging to see her father for what would turn out to be the last time, Lisa acknowledges it’s reassuring to answer questions about his medical intervention wishes and have instructions for his funeral so his preferences can be honoured. “Dad had a hand in his farewell as if he was with us,” says Lisa of his funeral. “It’s extraordinary, being human, because when love runs deep, it becomes very real when someone passes. You can’t escape grief, it’s the price for love.”

Heart-to-heart

Melissa Reader, CEO of The Violet Initiative, explains why open, honest conversations about death can improve end-of-life for everyone.

Stronger bonds

Share your feelings of fear and sadness as this brings people together in an intimate way. It encourages rich and valuable discussions about what really matters in life and will also deepen your relationships.

No regrets

Honesty and kindness are not mutually exclusive. End-of-life conversations are an opportunity to express gratitude, love, appreciation and forgiveness, and can bring a sense of peace, reducing the potential for regret.

Quality time

Discussing what matters most and how people wish to spend their time can help maximise someone’s quality of life. Some people want to be surrounded by family and friends, some want to take the trip of a lifetime and others may just want to be kept comfortable and pain-free.

Honour the individual

Planning for and discussing death can be the difference between having an end-of-life experience that aligns with your values and preferences or one that doesn’t.

Five simple steps to take right now Diane Young, Addictions and Trauma Specialist at South Pacific Private, says family conflicts often arise during grief or crisis. To avoid them, she recommends we:

1. Draft a living will

Also called an advanced directive, it states your wishes for end-of-life medical care and has no power after death. Discuss it openly with loved ones.

2. Write a testament

Appoint an executor to carry out your wishes. Let your family know what your will says, with everyone in the same room if possible, to save heartache later.

3. Make funeral plans

Discuss your funeral, who should speak and anything else you’d like in the celebration of your life. Being clear about your wishes can help alleviate disputes after you have died.

4. Speak from the heart

Fear of death can often be related to events that have happened in our lives. Speaking about death will often free family members from carrying any resentment or shame from the past.

5. Get expert help

If you feel unable to speak freely and frankly about worries, it can overwhelm. Speaking with a professional about grief, fear or conflict can help to find a solution in a safe environment.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

July 1, 2024June 30, 2024

Palliative care nurses see us in our final hours

— These are the life lessons they’ve learnt

Nurses Marita Rees, Anne Myers, and Anne-Marie Jackson say people needn’t fear the end of their lives.

By Iskhandar Razak

Anne Myers was once confused and shaken by death.

After more than a decade as a nurse, including in hospital ICUs, her mother died.

“I’d seen a lot of deaths in my nursing life, but it was the closest human to me that had died,” she said.

“It kind of sent me down a ‘oh my god, I don’t know what’s happening to me’, this grief I’m experiencing.”

Palliative care nurse Anne Myers standing in a garden. — Anne Myers became a palliative care nurse after her mother died.

Soon afterwards, she became a palliative care nurse.

“I ended up just going down the path of ‘what is death, what is death and dying all about?'” she recalled.

More than 15 years later, here’s what she and other palliative care nurses have discovered on how to die well and live well.

Dead people visit you before you die – and if that happens, go with it

Anne-Marie Jackson has been a palliative care nurse for 26 years but began her medical career 40 years ago in the UK at a time of high fear and anxiety.

“Just when HIV and AIDS had come out,” the Irish-raised nurse said.

“I’ve seen so many deaths, and not one has been the same.

Palliative care nurse Anne-Marie Jackson standing in a park. — Anne-Marie Jackson says delirium can sometimes cause comforting hallucinations near death.

“But you know, when death is imminent, some things, there’s some things that happen.”

One of those things can be feeling, sensing, hearing and even seeing the presence of others, who aren’t physically there.

“People will see their dead relatives in the room,” she said.

“And, you know, families will go and tell them that they’re not seeing them. And I’m like, well, they actually probably are seeing them, because … it happens quite a lot.”

Ms Myers said in her experience it was common and could be linked to the delirium that often sets in shortly before death.

“Within that delirium they will hallucinate, and see family members that have died,” she said.

“They start saying ‘Mum, mum’ and they’re 90.

“We always say to the family to support that, because whatever they are seeing, it can be a source of comfort for them. That they are going to meet whoever they haven’t seen for a long-time.”

Palliative care nurse Marita Rees said her own brother saw the presence of a long-dead family member in the room just before he died.

“It was quite amazing, because the person that he saw and what she said she was doing, it was just so true to what she would have been doing. It was almost a preparation type thing.

“You also see a lot of people hold on to life.”

At the end, some patients hold on until they’re ready

In her decades of nursing, Marita Rees has not only seen patients visited by the dead in their final moments — she’s seen terminally ill people who should die within the week or the month hold on much longer than doctors expected, usually for birthdays or anniversaries.

“Many actually end up happening [die] on Christmas Day, because its almost like they have held on for Christmas,” Ms Rees said.

“Definitely people hold on for people, family that are coming, travelling from somewhere else [to say goodbye].

“And then we’ve also seen people let go, when someone is not there. Like when someone is keeping vigil, and they leave the room just for a moment, and they’ll go then.

“I feel like I see it with mothers and their children, and it is almost like mothers are mothers till the last breath, even though their children might be 50 or 60.”

Palliative care nurse Marita Rees standing in a park. — Marita Rees says willpower can sometimes keep a person holding onto life in their final hours.

Ms Jackson teared up recalling how one man apparently refused to die until he had said goodbye to specific loved ones.

“We had a young gentleman … unconscious for nearly a week… and his hand it was like a rag doll. It would just flop there,” she said.

“And I remember saying, you know is there anybody, is he hanging on for something else, anything, because he’s hanging on for something?

“And they say nobody. Everybody has said their goodbyes.

“And I said, were there any pets? And she’s like, ‘yeah yeah, we got two dogs, two gorgeous dogs and they were his life’. And I says ‘go get the dogs’.

“The two dogs came in, and the two of us cried — this is no word of a lie – he lifted his hand and put his head on the two dogs’ heads. And he died within the next half an hour.”

Beautiful things happen – but people don’t change

The trio have cared for literally thousands of dying people, and while many deaths are sad, people are capable of extraordinary beauty when time is short.

Ms Myers said for some, it provided a focus for their love.

“It can be a good thing for families. It can bring them together. They are in room and sharing stories,” she said.

“Things like parents [who are terminal] writing out individual birthday cards for their kids until they are 18, or making videos.

“And the amount of women that have left their partners that come back and nurse them to their death. I mean what a generous act. It’s extraordinary.”

Three palliative care nurses walk down a street. — The three nurses say the event of a loved one’s death can be an opportunity to demonstrate deep love.

Ms Jackson said the love she had seen had surprised her.

“Sometimes it’s like the Aussie battler that comes to the party, and they care for their loved ones at home,” she said.

“I’ve seen sons with no women there, caring for their mother so beautifully and you are like ‘oh my god, they are able to do this’. Absolutely phenomenal.”

But the trio agree a bitter, selfish or angry person doesn’t suddenly become warm, kind and generous.

Ms Myers said people didn’t change who they were at their core on their death beds, and people around them didn’t change dramatically either.

“Some people self-reflect a bit,” she said.

“But the dynamics don’t change.”

Ms Rees agreed 180-degree turnarounds are the stuff of Hollywood fiction.

“It doesn’t happen,” she said.

“And often people don’t get the opportunity to change. It’s too late. They’re already wired the way they are.”

Live your life now

The nurses have all truly seen that life is beautiful and fragile, but sadly too many people wait too long to live it.

“Life is short. Life is precious,” Ms Myers said decisively.

It’s a sentiment she carries in her own life, where she’s working less, spending more time with her horses and writing a book.

“We have so many people that come onto our program, that are 66 years old. And they’ve got the caravan in the driveway, ready to hit the road for their retirements,” she said.

“Worked hard all their life and get a cancer diagnosis. It happens a lot”.

Palliative care nurses walk together in a park. — The nurses urge people to make the most of every moment of their life.

Ms Rees recently walked the centuries-old Charles Bridge in Prague – something on her bucket list.

“My advice for living is to absolutely seize the day,” she said.

“For me it’s about prioritising and doing things that are on my bucket list, and I’m looking forward to doing more in the future.”

Ms Jackson agreed and encouraged Australians to break down the taboo around the topic of death and planning ahead for it.

“How many people have got a will? Or if you do, have you discussed what you would like done if something happens suddenly?” she asked.

Ms Myers began her career in palliative care trying to work out death.

So has she?

“Now that I’ve seen what death looks like, I’m fine with it,” she said.

“I mean a cancer diagnosis and the treatment … that’s pretty tough.

“But I know, the moment before, if you are surrounded by the people who love you and you are getting good care it is a beautiful way to go.

“It’s not something to be frightened of.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!