— Man aged in his 80s kept the substance in his home after it was no longer required for another person, coroner told
A man who took a voluntary assisted dying substance intended for someone else was found dead at home by his adult daughter, an inquest has heard.
“I thought he was asleep in the chair. I put my arms around him. He was cold,” the woman said.
The coroner’s court in Brisbane on Tuesday opened the inquest into the May 2023 death of a man aged in his 80s referred to by the pseudonym ABC.
ABC’s name and those of his family members along with many other details surrounding his death cannot be published for legal reasons.
The substance involved in ABC’s death was obtained legally after Queensland allowed voluntary assisted dying (VAD) in January 2023.
Under that law, a person can self-administer a VAD substance in a private location but they must nominate a person who will be legally required to return any unused or leftover portion within 14 days.
Coroner David O’Connell heard ABC kept the VAD substance in his home after it was no longer required for another person.
ABC’s daughter said she held his hand and shook him after returning from running errands to find the house locked up with the blinds drawn.
Becoming tearful and with her voice breaking with emotion at times, the woman said her husband told her there was an open box on the kitchen table.
“I knew immediately it was the VAD,” she said.
O’Connell asked the woman if anyone had thought to have a medical professional collect the VAD substance as ABC was temporarily unable to leave his home.
“In hindsight, I didn’t even think to ask,” the woman said.
Queensland Health’s VAD staff were aware that the substance was due to be returned and ABC had said he would do so when he picked up his other medication.
A registered nurse involved in VAD told the inquest that there had been one patient where the substance was not kept in their home.
“It was share accommodation … the man chose not to have it in the house as it was unsafe. It was taken to the local hospital,” the nurse said.
The nurse said she would also not allow the substance to be stored in a home if she herself felt it to be unsafe.
O’Connell said he was concerned that regulations around self-administering VAD could allow other people without a terminal illness to be physically harmed or suffer mental distress.
“We’ve got medication safety and patient autonomy; we’ve got to find where the pendulum swings to get the balance right,” he said.
The nurse said VAD substances in a hospital were kept in a locked cabinet that required two keys to access but were not monitored after a patient took possession.
Barrister for Queensland Health, April Freeman, asked the nurse if some cancer patients were given pain medication in potentially fatal amounts.
The nurse said it was not uncommon and she was not aware of health authorities having control over those drugs once they were handed to patients.
Today’s topic: How do you talk to your parents about death and finances – without seeming like you are money-hungry?
Daughter wants to avoid repeat hardships after dad’s death
The dilemma: Last year, Melisa Gotto’s father died.
“We did talk about death and sort of what accounts he had and what his desires were for when he passed, but we didn’t really get into the nitty-gritty of it,” said Gotto, of Green, Ohio.
But Gotto said she – and her father, Dave, – were unprepared for all that came with tying up everything from funeral arrangements to his financial affairs.
Melisa Gotto, right, said she was not prepared to handle financial for her dad, Dave Gotto, right, left after his death. Having the uncomfortable conversation about his finances and wishes would have helped, she said.
For instance, her dad had a burial plot in California but died in Nevada. She didn’t know it cost $10,000 and required special health department permission to transport a body over state lines.
Gotto’s parents were divorced. Now, Gotto wants to avoid the headaches and heartache she dealt with after her dad’s death. She has begun talking to her 69-year-old mom, Kim Slingluff, about how Slingluff will afford to live the rest of her life – and how the two of them prepare for her mom’s death.
“It is a very uncomfortable conversation when you start talking about a taboo topic,” said Gotto, CEO of Scandal Co-Active, a boutique public relations and marketing agency. “As a society, we don’t really talk about death, but it’s something that we all will experience. I think it’s something we should all start talking about.”
Gotto’s dad had communicated verbally that she’d be the executor of his estate when he died. But he left no other instructions for her and her brother, such as his medical wishes or details of what exactly to do after his death.
“He was pretty organized and had everything in a safe, but I didn’t know where that was,” she said.
Melisa Gotto, left, said she was not prepared to handle financial affairs for her dad, Dave Gotto, at right, after his death. Having the uncomfortable conversation about his finances and wishes would have helped, she said.
Gotto said her dad also didn’t have enough finances to cover his funeral expenses. And seven months after his death, she’s still trying to get the title for his car.
Gotto says she doesn’t want to seem greedy discussing her mom’s finances or wishes after her death, but she doesn’t want to repeat what happened with her dad.
She has begun telling friends with kids to “do them a huge favor. Get all of this settled before you get older because it’s so important.”
Gotto said she has been approaching the subject with her mom with compassion and empathy. Slingluff has been verbally telling her things, but Gotto knows she needs to get things in writing.
Melisa Gotto, right, is having the uncomfortable conversation about death and finances with her mom, Kim Slingluff, left, to avoid similar hardship she faced after her dad’s death.
Gotto’s advice to others: “Make a list of everything you want to ask them because you don’t want to have to keep revisiting the conversation.
“Try to have some patience and understanding. And then if they don’t want to have those conversations, you have to respect that, too.”
Don’t leave grieving relatives with a mystery to solve
The expert advice: Talking about death and finances is an uncomfortable conversation and one that some of certified financial planner Jan G. Valecka’s clients are more willing to have than others.
Some clients feel “they have to disclose everything: their bank accounts, how much … they have, and that’s where I think it becomes uncomfortable and they feel a little bit vulnerable,” said Valecka of Valecka Wealth Management in Dallas.
“If I had to talk to somebody about estate planning, financial planning, legacy (planning), I would start from the benefit of your loved one. ‘Who would you want to take care of or help if all of a sudden something happened to you? … And it doesn’t have to be dollar signs, it just has to be more of what are your wishes,” said Valecka.
Having that conversation and letting your loved one know where the important documents are can be so helpful after a death, she said.
Valecka’s family had its own experience with this subject. Her husband, Bob, knew that he would be the executor of his uncle’s estate. However, his uncle did not want to discuss details of his death or his financial affairs.
Bob Valecka’s uncle, Joseph Valecka, was found dead the day after Christmas in 2022, with his wife who has dementia next to him unaware that he had died.
Bob and Jan Valecka had to quickly work to gain guardianship of the aunt and tend to the uncle’s estate.
But they had no instructions. They couldn’t find a will or any estate documents. It turned out there had been a will and Power of Attorney and other documents drawn up. They didn’t find them until after they went to court for emergency guardianship of the aunt.
Bob Valecka, left, knew his uncle, Joseph Valecka, wanted him to be executor of his estate after his death. But his uncle left no instructions, including whether there were any estate documents.
The unanswered questions ranged from the significant to the mundane. Had he wanted to be buried or cremated? The uncle and aunt had a lake house. But the Valeckas had no key and didn’t know the security code to get into it, or how to turn on the wells, or if someone plowed the driveway.
“It was a mystery to us,” she said. “It could have been so much easier with planning and an uncomfortable conversation.”
Gotto’s approach to talking to her mom with compassion is a good one, said Valecka.
Some people are just uncomfortable talking about their death, she said. Some clients say it makes death too real.
Approach your loved one with the idea that they are sharing their wishes and helping the people they love after their death, Valecka suggested.
In that conversation, talk about getting a will, health directives and even user names and passwords for digital accounts, she said. Valecka didn’t know she would need a copy of the uncle and aunt’s marriage license to get the aunt on the uncle’s Social Security benefits. Valecka has now added that to her estate documents.
The vow is “til death do us part.” But for former Dutch prime minister Dries van Agt and his wife, Eugenie, the aim was to leave this life the same way they had spent the past seven decades — together.
The couple, both 93, died “hand in hand” earlier this month, according to a statement from the Rights Forum, a pro-Palestinian organization that Dries van Agt created. They chose to die by what is known as “duo euthanasia” — a growing trend in the Netherlands, where a small number of couples have been grantedtheir wish to die in unison in recent years, usually by a lethal dose of a drug.
A longtime politician who had conservative roots but campaigned for numerous liberal causes,van Agt served as prime minister of the Netherlands from 1977 to 1982. He later became the European Union’s ambassador to Japan and the United States
Photos of the couple from their decades-long careers as public figures often show them walking in step: waving to crowds through a car window, voting together at an election site and giving each other a smooch at a public event.
The van Agts’ health had declined in recent years, Dutch public broadcaster NOS reported. The former prime minister never fully recovered after suffering a brain hemorrhage in 2019, which happened while he was delivering a speech at a commemoration event for Palestinians. Eugenie’s health issues were largely kept private.
“I feel like it’s kind of beautiful, honestly, that you’ve lived your life together, you both happen to be gravely ill without a chance of getting better, you’re ready to go, and you would like to go together,” said Maria Carpiac, director of the gerontology program at California State University at Long Beach.
When it comes to the right to choose one’s own death, the Netherlands is “kind of the model” for any U.S. legislation on the topic, she said.
At least 29 couples — or 58 people — died together via duo euthanasia in 2022, the most recent year of data from the country’s Regional Euthanasia Review Committees. That’s more than double the 13 couples who did so in 2020, when the committee first started looking at partners specifically, but it still represents only a small fraction of the 8,720 people who legally died by euthanasia or assisted suicide in the Netherlands that year.
“It is likely that this will happen more and more often,” said Rob Edens, press officer for NVVE, a Dutch organization focused on research, lobbying and education about assisted suicide and euthanasia in the Netherlands. “We still see a reluctance among doctors to provide euthanasia based on an accumulation of age-related conditions. But it is permitted” in the country’s legal guidelines, he said in an email.
Assisted suicide is when a person self-administers a lethal dose while a physician is present, while euthanasia is when a medical professional administers the dose. Both are legal in the Netherlands when specific criteria are met. (Some groups prefer the term “medical aid in dying,” or MAID, due to religious and social stigma around suicide.)
Euthanasia is illegal in the United States, but assisted suicide is allowed in D.C. and at least 10 states: Oregon, Washington, Montana, Vermont, California, Colorado, Hawaii, New Jersey, Maine and New Mexico. Eligibility requirements tend to be strict across the country, Carpiac said, but there are differences between jurisdictions.
The Netherlands, a country of almost 18 million people, has allowed assisted suicide and euthanasia since 2002. It requires that individuals willingly request the termination of their life in a manner that is “well-considered,” with a sign-off from a doctor that they are experiencing “unbearable suffering with no prospect of improvement.”
Another physician then has to agree that the person qualifies, and doctors can choose whether they are involved in the procedure. After every death, doctors are required to notify a regional review committee, which examines whether each case was handled lawfully. Couples who seek duo euthanasia are required to apply and undergo the review process individually, with separate doctors.
“An accumulation of age-related complaints can lead to unbearable and hopeless suffering,” Edens said, explaining the Dutch guidelines. “The expectation is that if doctors are increasingly willing to provide euthanasia when there is an accumulation of old-age complaints, the number of duo euthanasia [cases] will increase.”
Research suggests that older Americans are at a higher risk of dying after losing a spouse, particularly in the first few months after their death. While the cause of this phenomenon is unclear, studies have found that grieving partners have higher rates of inflammation and are at increased risk of heart attack and stroke, often due to stress-induced changes in blood pressure, heart rate and blood clotting.
“The first thing that came to my mind was the widowhood effect,” Carpiac said, referring to the van Agts’ choice to die by duo euthanasia. “I have a grandmother who is 96, and she’s like, ‘I’m not going anywhere!’ But if I had a partner and they were my person, and we were both kind of at the end of our lives, would it be worth it if he were to go without me? Would I die of what I considered to be a broken heart? I would want to have a choice.”
The transition from palliative care to hospice is a journey marked not just by the end of life, but by the culmination of a lifetime’s worth of relationships, memories, and the profound need for compassion. In the case of Elaine Arazawa, a 62-year-old woman diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that had metastasized to her liver, the value of community and personalized care in her final days comes into sharp focus. Diagnosed with a condition that led to over a dozen tumors, Elaine’s story underscores not only the medical but also the emotional dimensions of transitioning to hospice care.
Understanding the Transition: From Palliative Care to Hospice
The journey from receiving life-prolonging treatments to focusing solely on quality of life is a critical period for patients with terminal illnesses. This transition necessitates a holistic approach that encompasses open communication and thorough assessment of patient needs. Healthcare professionals play a pivotal role in guiding families through this change, ensuring that care is not only medically appropriate but also aligns with the patient’s and family’s emotional and psychological needs. The story of Elaine Arazawa illustrates the profound impact of a well-coordinated care plan, facilitated by a team of dedicated healthcare providers, death care workers, doulas, nurses, grief counselors, and social workers. Together, they create an environment where patients can find solace and families can navigate the complexities of grief and acceptance.
Key Indicators for Hospice Care
Recognizing the right time to transition to hospice care is crucial for ensuring that patients receive the most appropriate support as they approach the end of their lives. Key indicators include a significant decline in health despite receiving treatment, frequent hospitalizations, and a clear preference from the patient to focus on comfort rather than cure. For Elaine, the decision to enter hospice care came after a candid discussion with her healthcare team and family, highlighting the necessity of open dialogue in making informed choices about end-of-life care. This transition allowed her to spend her final days surrounded by love, reflecting on her life, and engaging in meaningful farewells, emphasizing the importance of timing and communication in hospice care decisions.
Building a Supportive Community
Elaine Arazawa’s experience brings to light the significance of community and emotional support in the hospice care process. Unlike many who faced the end of life alone during the pandemic, Elaine had the fortune of being surrounded by her family and a compassionate care team. This communal approach to end-of-life care not only provided Elaine with comfort and love but also offered her family the emotional support needed to cope with their loss. The involvement of death care workers, doulas, and grief counselors ensured that Elaine’s journey was not only about managing physical symptoms but also about caring for the emotional and spiritual well-being of both the patient and her family.
In her book The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion writes, “grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it”.
We’re all struck by grief at some point, but knowing this doesn’t quite prepare us to deal with it when it does.
Grief is a natural and psychological response to loss, often involving a range of emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion. It’s a deeply personal experience that can manifest differently for everyone, and affects each of us different ways.
It’s important to allow oneself to feel and process grief in their own way.
For instance, the idea of ‘scheduling your grief’ might sound like taking an extremely clinical approach to an emotional situation, but for some, it may be the most effective way to cope with their loss.
‘There Is No Blueprint to Grieving the Right Way’
Grief is often associated with the demise of a loved one, but it can also arise from other significant life changes or losses like significant life changes such as loss of a job or life-altering events.
It’s a complex process that involves emotional, physical, cognitive, and behavioural reactions.
Grief doesn’t follow a timetable. It is a non-linear journey with highs and lows, twists and turns. It can be triggered by different factors, such as anniversaries, memories, or unexpected situations, which can catch people off guard.
While grief doesn’t follow a strict schedule, establishing a routine or schedule can help in managing its intensity and impact on daily life.
This can include setting aside time for activities that facilitate healing and coping.
For instance, in the sixth episode of the US TV show, Succession’s fourth season, you may have caught Tom Wambsgans telling his wife Shiv, “You’re scheduling your grief,” after the demise of her father Logan Roy, when she could not sob in front of others and was crying separately.
‘Processing Grief While Carrying on With Everyday Life Can be Tricky’
Due to everyday hustle and competition, there are times when we don’t get to process our grief properly.
The question that then arises is, can we schedule our grief to a more convenient time when we can consciously engage with the process?
Scheduling grief isn’t the same as avoiding grief.
“In my therapy practice,I have seen people who try to suppress or delay their grief but it always tends to resurface in unexpected ways(and sometimes when they least expect it),” says Gurgaon-based Psychotherapist Shaurya Gahlawa.
Scheduling grief, on the other hand, involves allocating time each day to focus on grieving, allowing oneself to fully feel emotions without distractions.
So, if anything, this approach can help individuals manage their grief in a structured way while still allowing space for healing and growth.
There Are Some Pitfalls to Scheduling Grief
The scheduling of grief may appear counterintuitive and possibly detrimental. It might even seem like attempting to restrict grief to specific time frames disregards the spontaneous and unpredictable nature of the grieving process.
Moreover, trying to schedule grief can establish unrealistic expectations and pressure on individuals who are already having a hard time grieving.
It might unintentionally convey the message that there is a ‘correct’ or ‘acceptable’ timeline for grieving, which can result in feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy if one does not adhere to it.
This can be particularly harmful in a society that frequently expects people to ‘move on’ or ‘get over’ their grief within a certain timeframe.
“Attempting to schedule grief can sometimes be counterproductive and may lead to emotional distress because grief follows its own timeline and varies greatly from person to person. Some people may experience intense emotions immediately following a loss, while others may have delayed or prolonged processes,” says Gahlawa.
While it may seem structured, it can be a helpful strategy for some individuals who find it challenging to manage their emotions throughout the day.
How to Schedule Your Grief Effectively
By setting aside designated times to focus on grief, individuals can create a balance between addressing their emotions and engaging in daily activities.
However, it’s a tricky line to tow, so here are some things to keep in mind while scheduling your grief.
Cut yourself some slack
Flexibility and self-compassion are key, as everyone’s grieving process is unique. Attempting to rigidly schedule grief can sometimes suppress or delay the natural grieving process.
So, according to Gahlawa, its essential to recognise that grief may require flexibility and adaptation based on one’s emotional needs.
It’s important to be patient and compassionate with oneself during this process, as it can take time and may involve ups and downs.
Make room for unexpected emotions
While some people may find it helpful to set aside specific times to process their feelings of grief, it’s important to acknowledge that emotions can arise unexpectedly and may require attention at any moment.
Scheduling may not be for you
According to Mumbai based psychologist Sophie D’Souza, Scheduling may not be the best way to process grief for everyone.
“Rather than scheduling grief, for some people, it may be more beneficial to make room for it in our lives. This means allowing ourselves to feel and express our emotions as they occur, without any judgment or the pressure to conform to a predetermined timeline.”
“This includes practicing self-compassion and being patient with ourselves as we navigate the complexities of loss,” she adds.
Seek professional help
Although everyone experiences and processes grief differently, it can help to do it under the guidance of a professional.
“Our responsibility as mental health professionals is to provide individuals with a secure and unbiased environment where they can explore their feelings, deal with their loss, and develop coping mechanisms during their time of bereavement.”
— Sophie D’Souza, Psychologist
“We help our clients understand that grief is a natural reaction to loss and that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Rather than trying to manage or schedule grief, I encourage my clients to embrace their emotions.” She adds.
Apart from seeking professional help, don’t be hesitant to lean on loved ones for support.
Although a dying person tends to spend more and more time asleep or unconscious, there may be a surge of brain activity just before death
By Denyse O’Leary
Wednesday was Ash Wednesday in the Western Catholic tradition. It marks the beginning of Lent, a season of reflection and repentance. A common custom is that, during the service, the priest traces the sign of the cross in ashes on the penitent’s forehead, saying “You are dust and you will return to dust” (Gen 3:19). It’s one of many customs worldwide that offer a sobering reflection on the inevitability of death for all of us — unless, of course, we are transhumanists who genuinely believe that technology can grant us immortality.
What does dying actually feel like?
Most human beings have always believed that the essence of a human being survives the death of the body though the outcome is envisioned in a variety of ways. But, assuming that pain and distress are controlled, what does dying actually feel like? Can science tell us anything about that?
At BBC Science Focus, palliative care doctor Kathryn Mannix offers a few thoughts from long experience, including:
A dying person spends progressively less time awake. What looks like sleep, though, gradually becomes something else: dipping into unconsciousness for increasing periods. On waking, people report having slept peacefully, with no sense of having been unconscious…
As dying progresses the heart beats less strongly, blood pressure falls, skin cools down and nails become dusky. Internal organs function less as blood pressure drops. There may be periods of restlessness or moments of confusion, or just gradually deepening unconsciousness…
Breathing moves from deep to shallow and from fast to slow in repeating cycles; eventually breathing slows and becomes very shallow; there are pauses; and, finally, breathing ceases. A few minutes later, the heart will stop beating as it runs out of oxygen.
Kathryn Mannix, “What does dying feel like? A doctor explains what we know” BBC Science Focus, February 10, 2024
Surge of brain activity just before death
We are also learning that, contrary to what we might have expected, the brain does not necessarily just die down quietly. Researchers have recorded a surge of activity just before death:
To that end, the brain activity of four people who passed away in hospitals while being monitored by an EEG (electrogram) device was studied.
“The data generated, even though it’s only four patients, is massive, so we were able to only report a fraction of the features that it’s actually showing on the data,” Prof. Borjigin said.
At the time of death, brain activity was detected in the TPJ region of the brain — named because it’s the junction between the temporal, parietal and occipital lobes in the back of the brain.
Dan Gray, “Study finds evidence of increased brain activity in people right before they die,” Medical News Today, May 5, 2023. The paper is open access.
In any event, cells deprived of oxygen are doomed. But that does not mean that all of the body’s cells cease to function immediately when a person dies:
The brain and nerve cells require a constant supply of oxygen and will die within a few minutes, once you stop breathing. The next to go will be the heart, followed by the liver, then the kidneys and pancreas, which can last for about an hour. Skin, tendons, heart valves and corneas will still be alive after a day. White blood cells, which are more independent, can keep going for almost three days.
Luis Villazon, “When we die, does our whole body die at the same time? ”BBC Science Focus, nd.
So when a medic declares a person dead, that means that the death process is past the point of no return, not that every cell in the body is dead.
Terminal lucidity — getting in the last word
There are many stories through the ages of people near death suddenly waking up and saying something lucid. Researchers who study the phenomenon call it terminal lucidity. At Psychology Today in 2018, nurse educator Marilyn Mendoza noted regarding research to date::
So far, the response rate to the questionnaire he distributed has been limited. While the results are in no way definitive, out of the 227 dementia patients tracked, approximately 10 percent exhibited terminal lucidity. From his literature review, Nahm has reported that approximately 84 percent of people who experience terminal lucidity will die within a week, with 42 percent dying the same day.
Marilyn Mendoza, “Why Some People Rally for One Last Goodbye Before Death,” Psychology Today, October 10, 2018
As to why it happens, she offers,
There is as yet no logical scientific answer to this medical mystery. There is just not enough information to postulate a definitive mechanism for terminal lucidity. The fact that it occurs in people with different diseases suggests that there may be different processes occurring. Some speculate that this could be a spiritual experience or divine gift. It certainly is a gift for family members attending the death to have one last opportunity to be with their loved one and to say their last goodbyes. Both family members and caregivers who have been witness to this state that they feel changed by the experience.
Mendoza, “One Last Goodbye”
One interesting trend is this: Fifty years ago, slick media commentators expected to report that research into death and dying would explod all those myths about a soul or the hereafter or the human mind. But the opposite has happened. Topics like terminal lucidity and near-death experiences are conventionally researched now. And it’s just as clear now as it was fifty years ago that life is a journey and death is not, itself, the destination; rather, it’s a gateway to one.
Organizing and clearing out an entire home is not most people’s idea of a good time. Doing so while grieving compounds that sense of dread and overwhelm. So perhaps it’s a bit of a surprise that The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, Margareta Magnusson’s 2017 book chronicling her approach to ordering an estate in the wake of a loss, was a smash success. Her humorous, accessible guide amassed a cult following among an audience of fans that grew even larger after Peacock released its eight-episode series of the same name last year. But because both the book and the show it inspired tackled an issue that most people will encounter—and one that’s often swept under the proverbial rug—perhaps it’s not all that surprising that consumers found themselves clamoring for more content on post-loss decluttering.
Public meditations on grief and discussions around it seem more easily broached following the COVID pandemic, which spurred a reckoning in how we deal with mourning. The years since 2020 have been characterized by plenty of discourse on grieving, Zoom grief groups, and other bereavement support efforts, opening the floodgates on conversations that might have struck folks as morbid prior but now feel decidedly necessary to have out in the open. Podcasts like Anderson Cooper’s All There Is serve an audience of those looking to reflect on loss and how to live afterward. In cleaning out the New York City home of his late mother, the celebrated designer and socialite Gloria Vanderbilt, Cooper was guided by a number of handwritten notes Vanderbilt left like breadcrumbs to help him along. “These are Daddy’s pyjamas,” read one dispatch on a piece of paper near a pair of satin trousers.
Family portrait of the Coopers as they play on a sofa in their home, Southampton, Long Island, New York, March 30, 1972. American author and actor Wyatt Emory Cooper and heiress Gloria Vanderbilt Cooper sit with their sons, Carter (1965 – 1988) and Anderson Cooper.
Not everyone is given such clear direction in how to sort through a loved one’s dwelling after their passing. AD caught up with some experts on the subject, including a professional organizer, the owner of a liquidation and clean-out service, a death doula, and Magnusson herself, to advise on how to face the inevitable task—which all our pros say can, and should, be put into practice before a loss occurs. “Start before you are too old, or too weak, or get that final diagnosis,” Magnusson tells AD. “The upside is a better, easier life in which you don’t have to worry about the people you leave behind and all your crap they have to go through.”
How do I clear out a house after someone dies?
Both Magnusson and Mark Ferracci, owner of the Central Maryland–based clean-out and liquidation service Sanford & Son Estate Specialists, say that age 60 is the time to start organizing the objects of your estate for those who will someday have to clear it all out.
Allie Shaw, a professional organizer operating in the Greater Toronto area, recommends starting off by taking inventory of all the important items inside the abode, including anything of sentimental value (like photo albums, beloved heirlooms, or official documents) or monetary value (such as jewelry or china). When her own mother was given months to live, she became Shaw’s first client. Over 10 months, Shaw and her mother “had lots of conversations, going through possessions room-by-room and item-by-item,” she says. “It was very cathartic and it was a time in my life that I was so grateful for. She often said, ‘I got more months because we had this time.’”
In conversations about death and estate organizing it may go without saying, but Shaw encourages having formal documentation in place, like a will indicating your wishes for certain belongings. Though the act of preparing a will and even death cleaning an abode while the resident is still alive and well might feel bleak to some people, it’s important to remember that setting things in order can alleviate major stress later down the line. “It is a monumental task and often people think they’re leaving everything behind as a gift, when I’d say most of the time it’s a big burden,” Shaw explains.
Consider what you can manage and when to call in the estate cleaning pros
There’s no rule of thumb to tell whether your particular estate will need a whole team of professionals to clean out. But whether it’s a small apartment or a sprawling mansion, clearing a loved one’s spaces after they’ve died is rarely a one-person job. Particularly for those who value sustainability and cringe at the thought of wasting the beloved items of a family member’s residence, estate clean-out services like Ferracci’s might be the way to go as they’re plugged into the proper channels to help prevent waste. His team is trained to recycle materials, to facilitate the sale of pieces that have value, and to donate items that no longer have a place with the deceased’s family members before resorting to the dumpster.
Like a number of estate clean-out services, Ferracci’s process begins with a simple conversation—an informal chat for which he doesn’t charge that takes place in the abode. “I always say the same thing to people: Get the personal stuff out, get the financial-related stuff out, get the family mementos out; things that you want, those are key,” he says of his preliminary discussions with clients. Making sure family members have combed through the residence for items they hold dear so that all that’s left are things they won’t mind parting with is crucial. “Before I come in to do the job, I want to know that all that stuff’s gone and that everybody’s picked through it.”
How much does it cost to hire professionals for estate cleaning? And how long will it take?
The cost of an estate clean-out varies by how large the home is, which determines how big of a crew the service will need and how many days to allot for the project. A typical family home will likely take two to three days for Ferracci’s team to process, and he estimates that 90% of his average clean-outs cost between between $2,500 and $5,000. His team will sometimes purchase items to sell from clients’ estates, which can help offset that cost: “One [clean-out] I just started, I quoted them $4,400. I gave them $800 for the contents and the price was $3,600, and I’ll be there about two and a half days.” Condos and smaller spaces will generally cost less, while hoarding situations as well as larger abodes drive the price tag up. Though it’s not the norm, Ferracci has encountered homes where the bill was as high as $20,000 to clean everything out.
If you’re coming at an estate clean-out from the “gentle” perspective, meaning you have time to get things in order while the resident is still with us, an organizer may be the way to get things going gradually. As Magnusson advises, “death cleaning is for the living.” Shaw says that in her experience, organizers will charge $50 to $100 an hour. The process usually takes place across several sessions of two or three hours each in order to get a sense for the volume and how much accounting there is to do.
How can I deal with the death-cleaning process while grieving?
Getting ahead of organizing and cleaning a home before a loss takes place is ideal, but that’s just not always possible. It’s likely that the majority of people faced with clearing out a loved one’s estate are still in the grieving process. Even when it’s not a full estate but rather a few rooms with the deceased’s items, the emotional weight can be heavy. Magnusson found clearing out her husband’s spaces in their shared home after his death, particularly his clothing, was “the saddest thing I have ever done.”
Some mourners seek the services of a death coach or death doula to help them navigate the complex emotions that surface during grieving. The process of estate cleaning, which can be stressful under any circumstances, is particularly difficult after a loss. New York City–based death doula Mangda Sengvanhpheng knows that there’s no official guidebook to navigating loss, but when it comes to sorting through the ephemera of a loved one’s life, it’s helpful to have a group of helpers around: “Whether that is with your family members, your loved ones, friends, doulas, therapists, whoever it is that can become a support team, find those people to help you move through that,” she suggests.
Parsing through the objects of a deceased family member’s home can often make for bitter fighting between relatives, something both Ferracci and Sengvanhpheng have experienced in their work. Whether or not there are fights over which items go to whom or which things should be kept versus which should be tossed, finding difficulty in the process of going through these items can be viewed as a microcosm for grief in general. For certain things from an estate that we simply have no place for, it’s ultimately about acknowledging that love and value and then letting go.
“An object is an object, right? A table is a table. But these things have meaning because we imbue meaning in them,” Sengvanhpheng says. “There are stories in the objects, there are memories in the objects. When we lose people, as irrational as it may feel, there’s a reason for [feeling tied to objects]. We lose someone physically and these items—something tangible from them that we’re holding onto—mean so much.”
Parting with a loved one’s things can feel like a jarring reality check in the wake of a loss. Sengvanhpheng’s work involves trying to reframe that: “Letting go of items can be a form of acceptance,” she says. “If, for example, your sister takes something from your mother’s estate that you wanted, you can acknowledge that and then find ways to accept that this is just the reality. How can we start letting go? We consider how you can connect to your mom in a different way.”
Sometimes, there’s a melancholy beauty about ushering these emotionally charged objects into their next phase and assigning them a new narrative. Grief coach Charlene Lam curated an art show on the experience of going through her mother’s home and the objects she decided to keep and discard. When Shaw was taking inventory of her mother’s estate, she happened upon a beautiful rocking chair that had a long history in the family and was very beloved to her mother. They landed on donating it to the local library so that generations to come might make good use of it. “It’s still there and they love it,” she says.
Delaying the death-cleaning process can end up costing you
For many people in the golden years of their life, Ferracci’s seen enough to recommend downsizing when a large family home no longer serves your needs. He’s met clients who have proclaimed that their parents’ move from a big house to a smaller condo in their twilight years was “the best thing they’d ever done”—giving them ability to travel, save money, and ease the burden of sorting through a massive house for their children when that time came. When elderly homeowners aren’t capable of maintaining their houses, issues like accumulated clutter, mold, rot, and overgrown yards can make for an especially pricey clean-out and can even cause the home’s value to go down.
For those looking to list the family home after clearing it out, delaying on a needed clean-out runs the risk of confronting a more difficult selling market later down the line. “You’re going to continue to do the maintenance and you continue to pay the bills for the house, and the house is vacant, and interest rates can start to go up,” Ferracci says. He’s dealt with clients who struggled to sort through items or found themselves in gridlock with family members about what to do with the estate, ultimately leading them to list the residence many months later for thousands less than if they would have been more efficient in the clean-out process.
Ultimately, your pace is your choice. How to prepare for a loss, or even your own death, is not something AD purports to have all the answers on, but dealing with the items of our lives is manageable with the proper tools, outlook, and support. “We are all dying,” Magnusson says. “This is not morbid. It is just fact. Take care of it.”
