For Vets, Caring For Sick Pets And Grieving Owners Takes A Toll

By Kasia Galazka

Veterinarians say that helping suffering animals and stressed-out owners can become grueling.
Veterinarians say that helping suffering animals and stressed-out owners can become grueling.

When I walked dogs at a Chicago animal shelter, I wondered how each one got there. Whether a stitched-up pup shirked from my touch or happily greeted me tongue-first, my eyes would well up with salt. I wanted to keep them all.

People who work in animal shelters or veterinary clinics try to save the animals that come through their doors. But they’re at high risk of compassion fatigue, a sustained stress that takes a toll on a caregiver’s mind and body — and her heart.

It can morph into many forms: Some feel guilt or apathy, others turn to substance abuse. Little data exists, but research suggests veterinarian suicide rates are some of the highest in the medical field, and a 2014 study of about 10,000 veterinarians found twice as much “severe psychological distress” in them than in the general public. One 1 in 6 veterinary school graduates say they have considered suicide.

People in the animal community know this is a risk, and they have stories of people they’ve known who have taken their lives.

Among the biggest strains for animal shelter employees is euthanasia, according to a 2009 study published in the Journal of the American Veterinary Medical Association. Derived from Greek terms that mean “good death,” euthanasia is viewed as a humane way to end an animal’s life by organizations including the American Veterinary Medical Association and PETA.

Though rates of animal euthanasia have sharply dropped in the last few decades, about 3 million cats and dogs are estimated to be put down every year. When faced with alternatives like neglectful owners or living on the street, a peaceful death might be the most merciful option, says Stephany Lawrence, a former shelter intake and adoptions manager in Denver. Shelter life can be scary, even detrimental, especially if the animal is ill or has a behavioral issue.

“Nothing is worse than killing an animal, but it’s a really, really compassionate process,” Lawrence tells Shots. The euthanasia is quick; the employees are tender. But the grief of a life extinguished and the suffering that preceded it can linger. “What I struggled with was how anyone could give up a pet or treat animals as disposable items,” she says. “And I actually think that’s probably something shelter workers have a hard time with, as much, or even more so, than euthanasia.”

Private animal hospitals practice euthanasia, too, but there the patient is often a beloved pet. And veterinarians and staff have to manage both the end of the animal’s life and the humans’ grief.

On some days, the tide of clientele truncates how much time and compassion a doctor can give a dying patient or an owner trying to cope. That’s when the fatigue rears for Krista Magnifico, a veterinarian in Jarrettsville, Md., who writes a behind-the-scenes blog “You feel guilty because you’re not there for them in the capacity that you want to be,” she says.

Veterinarians and rescue workers face another challenge: stressed out and even hostile humans. One reason is cost. Veterinary care can be very expensive, even with insurance, and financial constraints can lead to tense situations. If they escalate, stepping out for a breather or bringing in another staffer can help. Sometimes, conflicts escalate to the point where a clinic has to call the police.

Magnifico won’t turn away clients who love and want to help their pet. But if they’re not empathetic to the animal, or the relationship has fractured and no longer benefits the pet, she’ll suggest alternatives, like seeing another clinic. “I have to be very true to the core of who I am,” she says. “And with that, I know that I’m not a veterinarian for everybody.”

Once someone brought in a dog with a bone tumor in its leg. To relieve the pet’s pain, a staff member at Magnifico’s clinic advised that the limb be amputated. But the owner declined the procedure, tied the dog to a tree in front of the clinic, and left.

Sometimes clients ask for convenience euthanasia. Other times, owners threaten to kill the pet themselves. In those cases, the people at the end of the leash cause the most distress for animal shelter and clinic employees.

“The rhythm of a healthy life is fill up, empty out; fill up, empty out,” says Patricia Smith, founder of the Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project, which aims to help caregivers learn healthy forms of self care. But caregivers tend to spend their empathy on everyone but themselves, and they forget to refuel. “The result of that is we have nothing left to give,” Smith says. “We give from a place of depletion instead of abundance.”

“One of the hallmark signs of [compassion fatigue] is that you cannot undo what you’ve been exposed to, and your worldview is forever changed,” says Elizabeth Strand, founding director of the University of Tennessee’s veterinary social work program. Strand noticed a huge need in the veterinary environment for social work, and Tennessee was the first school in the country to create a specialty in veterinary social work. Michigan and Missouri now offer similar programs.

Veterinary social workers provide support for animal-related professionals who need an extra hand resolving stress or stubborn conflict. They can also gently guide grieving pet owners through heartbreak, or help figure out what to do when an animal is a victim of family violence.

Strand and others say that veterinary professionals are becoming more willing to talk about the mental health stresses of their work, and veterinary schools are addressing mental health and emphasizing communication skills.

To bolster resilience, students at Cornell University’s College of Veterinary Medicine participate at the teaching hospital as early as their first year, so that they’re accustomed to working with very sick animals and distraught owners. Students can also staff the school’s pet loss support hotline after special training.

The veterinary school at University of California, Davis, has one full-time counselor and one part-time counselor just for veterinary students. “As our counselor started getting busier and busier, we thought that we had a problem, and what we realized is that this was not a problem,” says Dr. Sean Owens, associate dean for admissions and student programs at Davis’ School of Veterinary Medicine. “We’re actually doing a better job of destigmatizing talking to mental health professionals, meaning that our students are now more likely to drop in and say, ‘I just spent four hours grieving with a client … How do I process it?’ ”

The Davis program provides yoga, art projects, massage therapists — even a surfing club. Clinical skills labs that use actors who practice common scenarios, though awkward, can lift confidence later. The school was the second veterinary school after Colorado State University to offer a “healer’s art” course, which embraces the emotional aspects of practicing medicine.

“What has really triggered [change] has been the greater publicity of suicides of veterinary students,” says Owens. “You’re not fully complete in this profession unless you’re able to grieve and be a human.”

Complete Article HERE!

LEROY BLAST BLACK RECEIVES DUEL OBITUARIES FROM WIFE AND GIRLFRIEND

Leroy Blast Black was a loved man, that we can boldly affirm. We did not know Leroy blast Black, dubbed “Blast,” gone too soon at the tender age of 55, but obviously he was well surrounded during his illness.
Leroy Blast Black was a loved man, that we can boldly affirm. We did not know Leroy blast Black, dubbed “Blast,” gone too soon at the tender age of 55, but obviously he was well surrounded during his illness.

By 

Mr. Black died Tuesday at his family home in Atlantic City as the result of lung cancer “due to exposure to fiberglass.”

However, the most intriguing fact about the death of Mr Leroy Blast Black is the fact that two obituaries were printed in today’s Press of Atlantic City.

Indeed, it might have looked like a mistake on the obituary page this morning when two identical-looking (at first glance) listings appeared on top of one another, but the two different, but similar, obituaries were placed by his wife and girlfriend, respectively.

The one from the wife reads:

Black, Leroy Bill – 55, of Egg Harbor Township died August 2, 2016, at home surrounded by his family. He was born September 30, 1960 to Ethlyn and Wilfred Black. He is survived by his loving wife, Bearetta Harrison Black and his son, Jazz Black. He was also a father to Malcolm and Josiah Harrison Fitzpatrick…

The one from the girlfriend follows:

Black, Leroy “Blast” – 55 of Egg Harbor Township passed away at home on August 2, 2016 from cancer of the lungs due to fiberglass exposure. He is survived by: Jazz Black; siblings, Donald, Faye “Cherry,” Janet “Vilma,” Lorna “Clover,” Audrey “Marcia,” Sandra “RoseMarie” and a host of other family, friends and neighbors, and his long-tome (sic) girlfriend, Princess Hall…

Our colleagues at Philly Voice called the Greenidge Funeral Home, and the person that answered clarified: “The obituaries were placed separately because “the wife wanted it one way, and the girlfriend wanted it another way.” But he did not anticipate any problems because everybody knew it was happening.”

NBC News tried to reach the wife and the girlfriend but without any success.

Joseph Greenidge Jr., the funeral director at Greenidge Funeral Homes, told KYW Newsradio in Philadelphia it isn’t unheard of for there to be multiple obituaries written from different perspectives. But, he said, they took direction from Leroy’s wife regarding the funeral arrangements.

Complete Article HERE!

I’m a Funeral Director. And Yes, My Stories Are Insane

By

funeral director

For something that literally happens to everyone, death is a remarkably taboo subject in American culture. It makes some sense, though. Who wants to think about the lights going off permanently, let alone deal with the actual logistics of dying?

That’s why I’m here. I’m a funeral director. I help you with the things you don’t want to deal with. No, it’s not exactly like Six Feet Under. Yes, you have to go to school to be a funeral director, at least in New York State. Everybody always seems surprised when I tell them that — maybe they think any guy selling bootleg Yankees hats off the street could throw on a suit and start handling funerals and grieving families.

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That’s ridiculous, for a lot of reasons. Not only are you dealing with dead bodies, which, beyond being frightening to most people, can also be host to all kinds of diseases, but there’s also the governmental red tape and transactions that could see tens of thousands of dollars changing hands. It’s certainly not a career someone could jump into blindly and excel at… especially given some of the situations I encounter regularly. These are just a few slices of what it’s like to be a New York City funeral director, one of the most overlooked, but essential, careers a person can have.

A normal day is never what YOU think of as a normal day

>For starters, I want to clear something up: every now and then I’ll run into someone who thinks it’s crazy that funeral directors charge money for what we do. It’s not. We do the job that other people can’t or won’t do. We provide a valuable service to the community. We’re not looking to rip you off, we’re just looking to be compensated for the work we do. Most people don’t have to deal with questions about whether they should make money in exchange for working hard, but death can elicit some strange behavior in the living.

My normal workdays are filled with events most people won’t ever experience in their lives. Picking up and tending to dead bodies, dealing with grieving families, taking funerals out to churches and cemeteries. To put it into perspective, remember that day at work when you spilled coffee on your pants and had to walk around with a huge stain all day? Well, my version of that involves throwing out a white shirt I was wearing because body fluid got all over it. The body fluid wasn’t mine. Yeah.

But, just like you, I have massive amounts of paperwork I have to do. After all, a job is a job is a job.

Hopefully you won’t have to attend too many funerals, but if you live long enough you’re almost certainly going to have face the music at least a few times. They’re rarely pleasant (except jazz funerals. Everyone should experience a jazz funeral — that’s how I want to go out.) but they’re a reality, and when you do have to go to one, there are a few things to keep in mind that will make your experience — and the funeral director’s — much better.

There’s no official dress code, but don’t push it

I understand that this nation is experiencing a full “dressing-down revolution,” but let’s evaluate. If you’re a male family member, a suit is almost a must. If you can’t wrangle a suit, slacks and a button-down are acceptable, but try not to dip below that. Polos are borderline and T-shirts are damn near disrespectful. I saw a guy walk into my place wearing an Angry Birds shirt, jorts, and Crocs. You’re going to a funeral, not a taping of Monday Night Raw. Put some effort in.

As for the ladies, just look nice. You have a few more options than the guys, but make sure it’s nothing too crazy, and NO JEANS. I swear I once had a lady walk in for a wake wearing a bikini and a cover-up that didn’t quite “cover up.” I assure you that anything you can wear to the beach isn’t appropriate to wear while standing in front of a casket. You don’t have to be a MENSA member to understand this.

Funerals are not the time or place for a buffet

In New York, we can’t have food in the funeral home. This isn’t just our rule, it’s also the New York State Board of Health’s rule. Food attracts bugs, vermin, and other unwelcome guests into funeral homes. We know this. The Board of Health knows this. The sign in our lobby is there so you know it.

This doesn’t mean “all food except the three dozen donuts and a box of coffee.” This isn’t Golden Corral. You should be able to handle going two or three hours without food — it’s why most wake times are split up, so you have a couple of hours for dinner in between.

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One day somebody tried to bring in four pizzas and a case of beer for a wake. I was tempted to let him in, because who doesn’t love pizza, but I had to stop him at the door. This led to my being cursed out in vile, creative fashion, but hey, those are the rules. And really you should know that pizza is only acceptable at a wake if it’s for one of the Ninja Turtles or Kevin from Home Alone.

Drinking, death, (and sex) go hand in hand, but know your limits

A lot of people need a nip or two to get through a funeral. It’s stressful, and sure, you might want to take the edge off. DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH. Too many times I’ve witnessed people puking all over the bathrooms here. Years from now, you never want to hear the question, “Hey, remember at grandma’s funeral when you did seven tequila shots back to back at dinner and vomited into a potted plant?”

Things can get even dicier when sex is added to alcohol — death and sex have long been connected in art and literature, a truth I see lived out more frequently than you might expect. I had a funeral for an older woman who had a granddaughter about my age. The granddaughter was involved in the funeral arrangements, and during the afternoon visitation, everything went smoothly. As she was leaving, she invited me to a bar to join her for drinks between sessions, but seeing as I had to work the night session of the wake, I declined.

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Well, when she got back from the bar she was bombed. Staggering all over the place, knocking a plant down, slurring her words. It was bad. She mentioned something about needing to talk to me, but I blew her off, chalking it up to buzzed babble. When she disappeared for a while and the ruckus seemed to die down, I decided to slip off to my office to decompress.

Once I turned the light on, I saw that she was in there, sleeping. I woke her up (more or less to make sure she wouldn’t vomit in there), and she immediately clung on to my chest, talking about “wanting to thank me.” That hand on my chest surely made its way down to my crotch, and she was not letting go, despite my protests.

At that point, I knew I had to get her out of my office and off of my crotch, since no good could come out of this situation. I started to steer her out of the office by her shoulders while she began kissing my neck, making it out into the hallway. Luckily, one of her cousins saw me and pulled her away, and someone drove her home after that. At her grandmother’s service the next morning she couldn’t look me in the eye. Only after the casket was lowered did she come up to me and apologize.

Funerals are times for mourning, not violent grudge matches

Emotions run high enough during funerals, so don’t make things worse by continuing old grudges or starting new ones. One bad exchange can set off a powder keg.

I witnessed two brothers squabble over money from the minute they came in to make arrangements. The morning of the funeral it reached its breaking point. What started as a loud argument in front of the casket progressed to a screaming match in the lobby.

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By the time I got to them I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing — each brother was holding an unplugged floor lamp like a lightsaber, circling each other. It took me a second to process everything, but when I finally spoke up to tell them how ridiculous the situation was, one them smacked the other over the back with the lamp (I do have to respect the opportunistic nature of that fella), which led to a quick skirmish on the floor. It broke up pretty quickly, but it was neither the time nor the place for it — the correct time and place would’ve been the ECW Arena in 1997 — and everybody left feeling pretty embarrassed.

If you’re not hammered, violent, or blatantly rule-breaking, most other requests are OK

On the other side of the coin, if you have a special request for your loved one, don’t be scared to speak up. One person wanted me to play Nirvana on the way to the cemetery because it was the deceased’s favorite band. “Oh, and one more thing — CRANK IT.” You bet your ass I did it. There wasn’t a cooler hearse in the world that day. It got some strange looks from the people we passed on the street, but whatever.

I’ve received requests to wear a Mets tie while doing a funeral, to pass someone’s favorite bar on the way to the cemetery, to lead an entire collection of people attending a funeral in singing The Golden Girls’ theme, pretty much anything you can imagine. Have I rolled my eyes at some of the requests? Absolutely. But you know what? When you see how much it means to the family, it makes it all worth it.

People don’t really want to talk about death or funerals, and yeah, funeral directing is a strange job. Having your mortality thrust in your face every day you go into work gives you a pretty unique outlook on life. I don’t particularly mind the job as a whole — I wish it were more 9-5, but hey, I get to help people, and that feels pretty good.

Complete Article HERE!

No Spouse, No Kids, No Caregiver: How to Prepare to Age Alone

A growing population of ‘elder orphans’ lack a built-in support system. What to do if you become one.

By Anna Medaris Miller

Growing older alone doesn't mean you're doomed – just as aging with a partner or kids doesn't mean all's clear.
Growing older alone doesn’t mean you’re doomed – just as aging with a partner or kids doesn’t mean all’s clear.

When Carol Marak was in her 30s, she asked herself whose life she wanted: her brother’s – the life of a successful and well-traveled businessman – or his wife’s – the life of a woman whose career better accommodated raising three children.

The answer was a no-brainer: “My brother was in a position I wanted,” says Marak, now a 64-year-old editor at SeniorCare.com who lives in Waco, Texas. Although she had been married and divorced earlier in life, at that point she had no kids and “made a very conscious decision” to keep it that way, she says.

Plenty of Marak’s peers did the same thing. According to a 2012 study in The Gerontologist, about one-third of 45- to 63-year-olds are single, most of whom never married or are divorced. That’s a whopping 50 percent increase since 1980, the study found. What’s more, about 15 percent of 40- to 44-year-old women had no children in 2012 – up from about 10 percent in 1980, U.S. Census data shows. “My career was No. 1 in my life,” says Marak, who worked in the technology industry for years.

But today, Marak and her single, childless contemporaries are facing a repercussion of their decision that never crossed their minds as 30-somethings: “How in the world will we take care of ourselves?” she asks.

Dr. Maria Torroella Carney, chief of geriatrics and palliative medicine at North Shore-LIJ Health System in New York, is asking the same thing. In research presented this year at The American Geriatric Society’s annual meeting, Carney and her colleagues found that nearly one-quarter of Americans over age 65 are or may become physically or socially isolated and lack someone like a family member to care for them. Carney calls them “elder orphans.”

“The risk of potentially finding yourself without a support system – because the majority of care provided as we get older is provided by family – may be increasing,” she says.

The consequences are profound. According to Carney’s work, older adults who consider themselves lonely are more likely to have trouble completing daily tasks, experience cognitive decline, develop coronary heart disease and even die. Those who are socially isolated are also at risk for medical complications, mental illness, mobility issues and health care access problems.

“You could be at a hospital setting at a time of crisis and could delay your treatment or care, and your wishes may not be respected [if you can’t communicate them],” says Carney, also an associate professor at Hofstra North Shore-LIJ School of Medicine.

Take “Mr. HB,” a 76-year-old New York man described in Carney’s research as “a prototypical elder orphan.” After attempting suicide, he arrived at a hospital with cuts on his wrist, bed sores, dehydration, malnutrition and depression. He lived alone and hadn’t been in contact with any relatives in over a year. His treatment was complicated, the researchers report, in part because he was too delirious to make clear decisions or understand his options. He wound up at a nursing facility with plans to eventually be placed in long-term care.

But growing older without kids or a partner doesn’t mean you’re doomed – just as aging with kids and a partner doesn’t mean all’s clear. “We’re all at risk for becoming isolated and becoming elder orphans,” Carney says. You could outlive your spouse or even your children, find yourself living far from your family or wind up in the caretaker role yourself if a family member gets sick. Keep in mind that 69 percent of Americans will need long-term care, even though only 37 percent think they will, according to SeniorCare.com.

Plus, there’s no way around the natural physical and mental declines that come with age. “Everybody has to prepare to live as independently as possible,” Carney says. Here’s how:

1. Speak up.

Marak wishes she had talked more with her friends and colleagues about her decision not to become a mom early on. That may have given her a jump-start on anticipating various problems and developing solutions to growing older while childless. She advises younger generations to  discuss their options openly with friends – married and single, men and women – before making a firm decision.

“We discuss our psychological issues with professionals. We discuss our money strategies with financial experts,” Marak says. “Why not talk openly about family concerns and what it means to have or not have children? So many of us go into it with blinders on.”

2. Act early.

How early you start planning for your future health depends partly on your current condition – and your genes, says Bert Rahl, director of mental health services at the Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging. “If your ancestry is that people die early, you have to plan sooner and faster,” he says.

But whether you come from a family of supercentenarians or people who have shorter life spans, it’s never too soon to save for long-term care, whether it’s by investing in a home, putting aside a stash for medical emergencies or “whatever you can do to have a nest egg,” Marak says. “Life is serious, especially when you get old. Don’t get to [a point] when you’re 60 and now you’re having to scramble to catch up.”

Still not motivated? “Everybody wants some control in [their] life,” Rahl says. “If you don’t plan, what you’re choosing to do is cede that control to somebody else – and the likelihood that they’re going to have your best interests at heart is a losing proposition.”

3. Make new friends and keep the old.

Your social connections can help with practical health care needs, like driving you to the doctor when you’re unable. But they also do something powerful: keep you alive, research suggests. In a 2012 study of over 2,100 adults age 50 and older, researchers found that the loneliest older adults were nearly twice as likely to die within six years than the least lonely – regardless of their health behaviors or social status.

Connections can also help ward off depression, which affects nearly 20 percent of the 65-and-older population, according the National Alliance on Mental Illness. “One of the things that keeps people from being depressed is to be connected,” Rahl says. “The more social activities you have, the more friends, the more things you can do to keep your body and mind active – that’s the best protection you have against mental illness.”

4. Appoint a proxy.

Who is your most trusted friend or relative? “Identify somebody to help you if you’re in a time of crisis, and revisit that periodically over your life,” Carney suggests. Make sure that person knows your Social Security number, where you keep your insurance card, which medications you take – “the whole list of things somebody needs to know if they’re going to help you,” advises Dr. Robert Kane, director of the University of Minnesota’s Center on Aging.

Before you start losing any cognitive capacities, consider designating that person as your durable power of attorney for health care, or the person who makes health care decisions for you when you’re no longer able.

If no one comes to mind, hire an attorney who specializes in elder care law by asking around for recommendations or searching online for highly rated professionals. Unlike your friends, they have a license to defend and are well-versed in elder care issues. Most of the time, Rahl’s found, “they’re trustworthy and will do a good job for you.”

5. Consider moving.

Marak is on a mission: “to create my life where I’m not transportation-dependent,” she says. She’s looking to move to a more walkable city, perhaps a college town where she’s surrounded by young people and can stay engaged with activities like mentoring. She also hopes her future community is filled with other like-minded older adults who can look out for one another. “I want to … set up my life where I’m not living alone and isolated,” she says.

Adjusting your living situation so that you can stay connected to others and get to, say, the grocery store or doctor’s office is the right idea, says Carney, who cares for a group of nuns who live communally and has seen other adults create communities that act like “surrogate families,” she says. “Think: Where do you want to live? What’s most easy? How do you access things? How do you have a support system?”

6. Live well.

Marak is lucky: She’s always loved eating healthy foods and walking – two ways to stay as healthy as possible at all ages. “Some of the foods that we eat are really, really bad for the body,” she says. “That’s one of the major causes of chronic conditions – and not exercising.”

Keeping your brain sharp is also critical if you want to be able to make informed decisions about your health care, Rahl says. He suggests doing activities that challenge you – math problems if numbers trip you up, or crossword puzzles if words aren’t your forte. “The old adage, ‘If you don’t use it, you lose it,’ is 100 percent correct,” he says.

Complete Article HERE!

A few weeks ago, I was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 20 – I didn’t expect being gay to make it harder

I was told that one side effect of my treatment would be infertility – but when I went to freeze my sperm, the embryologist was genuinely shocked to find out I wasn’t straight

By Dean Eastmond

cancer
‘Finding out you have cancer is the cliche you imagine it to be’

As I type this, I’m recovering from my second round of chemotherapy for an aggressive rare cancer growing off a rib in my chest, with 12 more cycles to go until I hopefully get better. Hair loss, weight loss and the perpetual white/green tint to my skin has reduced me to somebody I don’t recognise when I stare back at myself in the mirror. But temporary side effects will heal, grow and get better. It is my fertility that will not.

In late May I noticed that one of my ribs was protruding far more than it should be after months of on and off pain. I got myself an Uber to A&E thinking it was the result of a typical student night out or me just sleeping funny, but after a few scans, I was told it was a tumour. Life became a bit of a turbulent water ride from then. More scans and biopsies revealed it was a rare and aggressive form of soft tissue cancer found in adolescents called Ewing’s Sarcoma.

Finding out you have cancer is the cliché you imagine it to be, complete with tearful parents and uncomfortable doctors explaining to you how hard you’ll find it all. Before you know it, there’s a tube tunnelling into your chest with drugs you still struggle to pronounce properly being pumped into you in hopes of making you better.

My date of diagnosis fell in the same week the world was mourning LGBT people murdered at Pulse Nightclub in Orlando and I found the only way to numb the news of my cancer was to integrate myself in my community at a vigil held in Birmingham. Being side by side with other LGBT people in such a scenario allowed me to channel my anger, confusion and upset into something full of change and the notion that everything is temporary.

A few days later, I found myself in hospital to bank a sperm sample due to the likelihood of my treatment causing me to become infertile. The process is lengthy, full of awkward questions and signing dotted lines with an embryologist and it wasn’t until I dropped a hint about being gay that she stopped and said, “Oh. These rules tend to follow the assumption that you’re straight.”

During the process, I was told that if I died or became mentally incapable of having children, a same-sex partner would not be entitled access to my sperm sample, a rule that did not apply to heterosexual counterparts. This was then confirmed by the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority through an FOI request. It wasn’t until further action was made by myself that the HFEA issued me an official apology, claimed they provided the wrong information and rectified it.

As a 20-year-old, I haven’t thought too much about my desires to have children just yet. I still have a degree to finish, life to find in a big city and career to grow into. So to be told you’re going to become infertile is a little unsettling on top of cancer.

I’ve understood that I’ll never procreate in a typical heterosexual narrative. It was always going to be complicated surrogacy or adoption if I ever wanted children. Growing up as a gay child, I’ve heard the same tired rhetoric that gay men shouldn’t father children rooted in an ideology that I’m not worthy to have children, time and time again. To now have that right, but a dysfunctional body denying me it, makes you feel like less of a person, somewhat incomplete.

But it’s not about me; it’s about choice, and the wants and needs of other LGBT people in the same position in the UK.

Being told “These rules don’t apply to you” is another door closed in your face for being the person you are. Gay people are being denied access to drugs that prevent HIV, being denied the honour of donating our blood, and have only had equal access to surrogacy for six years. The discrimination out there is rooted in everything, especially healthcare. Experiencing that barrier was like coming up to a sign that: “Stop here – you’re different, and so you don’t belong in this system.”

To imagine that the same people who lit candles with me, stood in solidarity against hate and make the world a little warmer would ever be put in a position of not only losing their loved one to cancer, but being denied access to their sperm purely based on their gender, is a crisis that needs to be addressed. The laws on fertility for LGBT are confusing and stressful, and it is the duty of the HFEA to accommodate equal services to every creed of family. Cancer is hard enough; it shouldn’t be made harder just because you’re gay.

 Complete Article HERE!

How to Stay Calm in the Face of Death, According to an ER Doctor

How to Stay Calm in the Face of Death, According to an ER Doctor
By

Although you might feel like you’re going to die if that bartender doesn’t get you a beer right now, this isn’t exactly a dire situation. What is, however, is if you’re faced with a real life or death scenario. In these cases, most people panic, and not hyperbolically.

That’s why we spoke to seasoned ER guru Dr. Ryan Stanton (and spokesperson for the American College of Emergency Physicians), who faces life or death situations every single day he goes to work. He’ll teach you how to keep cool if you ever find yourself in such a predicament.

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Prepare for any situation

You can’t possibly prepare yourself for all circumstances, since we’d all be pretty screwed if some Leftovers-type stuff went down, but first aid training goes a long, long way. Hit up your local fire department, American Red Cross, or hospital for a basic first aid class, which will help you help others when it matters most. You’ll learn how to give non-creepy, hands-only, live-saving CPR that doesn’t require you to basically tongue kiss a stranger, plus super useful skills like what to do when someone’s choking, and how to stop major bleeding. And you can also learn how to shock someone’s heart using an AED machine if they go into cardiac arrest.

Know you don’t always have to do something

Even if you’re prepared, know your limitations, because sometimes doing very little is the best possible thing. Let’s say you come across a car wreck, and someone is badly injured. As Dr. Stanton explains, just being there is good enough: “Sometimes the best thing you can do is call 911 and talk to the person,” he said. “Give them comfort.” If the person in the crash is already bleeding badly, any stress on top of that will make them “more likely to have complications.”

And to further hammer home the point that real life is not like being in a hospital drama on TV, you don’t have to be a hero and save everyone. So if you see someone having a seizure, outside of “keeping [the person’s] airway open,” (a technique you learn in basic first aid!), your job is to sit there and wait for EMS to arrive. “People feel like they have to do something,” Dr. Stanton said. “They try to shove stuff in the person’s mouth to keep them from breaking teeth, or put their fingers in their mouth to keep them from swallowing their tongue. And then you just end up with two people hurt instead of one.”

Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize

When someone comes into the ER with a problem, Dr. Stanton asks himself the same question: “What’s going to kill them first?” Probably that hospital food, says every comedian from the ’80s. But if that person is not bleeding to death and is breathing fine, then Dr. S has bought himself enough time to figure out what to do next.

By way of example, let’s go back to our imaginary person in a car crash: Dr. S says some newbie doctors can get distracted by the victim’s nasty-looking sideways ankle and not realize that they’re also not breathing. Prioritizing allows you to focus on what’s critically important at the moment. You can only do one thing at a time.

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Know that sometimes there are no solutions

Everyone knows they’re supposed to calm down in a stressful situation, but it’s not just about taking a few deep breaths (though you should also do that). “Panic has never fixed a problem,” Dr. Stanton said. “Fixing a problem involves working through what you know — if it’s not part of what you know, find the people who know it.” If someone else can’t help, perhaps there are no solutions whatsoever to the super stressful, life-threatening situation you find yourself in. “[Sometimes] you can’t change the current situation,” he said. “All you can [affect] is what’s going to happen now and moving forward. Stay calm and think about what you can do [next].”

Gain confidence through education, experience

ER doctors stay calm while saving lives everyday, and they’re able to keep cool by relying on a combination of experience and education. Now, outside of being that guy in Catch Me If You Can and impersonating a doctor to gain some life-saving experience, first aid training will suffice.

Dr. Stanton put said experience to work one Sunday outside of the ER, when someone passed out behind him in church. While other people were freaking out, Dr. Stanton followed his own advice and everything turned out fine.

Other, non-passed out churchgoers were concerned that the unconscious person didn’t have a strong pulse, and that it was imperative to check their sugar. But Dr. S knew the best move in this situation — make sure the victim was breathing and stay there until EMS arrived. And to stay calm. In a hospital, “if the doctor is calm and relaxed, the whole [ER] is calm and relaxed and everyone does their job.” Be the calm one in any life-threatening situation you encounter, and you’ll do just fine.

Complete Article HERE!

BEING THERE: A death doula’s mission

By Ellen McCarthy

Craig Phillips has found that his work as a death doula has given him a greater appreciation for life.
Craig Phillips has found that his work as a death doula has given him a greater appreciation for life.

Before he enters the room, Craig Phillips pauses for a deep exhale.

“Just to let everything go,” he says. “And to remember that I’m here for them.”

Until he walks in, he won’t know whom, exactly, he’s about to see. Today it’s an elderly woman in a blue hospital gown. Eyes closed. Jaw dropped open. Breathing loud and labored, but regular.

There is a little green circle by her name on the white board in the nurses’ station. Hospice center code for “actively dying.”

“She doesn’t have anyone with her,” a nurse says. So Phillips goes, pulls a chair up to her bed and introduces himself.

“I’m not here to poke or prod you,” he says softly. “I’m just here to be with you. I’m just here to sit with you.”

The work of a death doula — Phillips’s work, now — is primarily about presence. He is there to ease the passage from this world to the next. And he knows that the most valuable thing he can offer anyone taking that most solitary of journeys is his company. So he sits, silently wishing them peace and comfort.

Especially with patients who can no longer speak, Phillips has learned to slip his hand beneath theirs, palm to palm, rather than rest it on top. This way, he says, “you get an understanding of how well wanted you are.” When his grip is returned, he knows that he is welcome.

Phillips operates alone, but he is part of a growing army of volunteers and professionals who call themselves death doulas. (Some, opposed to that term, prefer end-of-life doulas, soul midwives or transition coaches.) And like the childbirth doulas from whom they draw their name, their mandate is to assist and accompany. Their patients’ experience may be quieter, more sorrowful, but it is no less sacred. Or scary.

As the baby boomers move into retirement, fresh consideration is being given to what it means to grow old, which measures to take to treat illness and, ultimately, how we die. There’s a growing recognition among hospice workers and palliative-care givers that pain management is not enough. That the spirit must be attended to as much as the body. And that the soon-to-be-bereaved need help along with the dying.

It’s out of this recognition that death doulas are emerging. Most say they feel almost inexplicably called to the role. And profoundly touched by it.

A good death

On a sunny spring day in Alexandria, Virginia, 30 women and one man sit in a windowless hotel conference room, having traveled from all over the East Coast and paid $600 to learn to serve as death doulas.

“Our role is to walk alongside” the dying “in their journey,” says Henry Fersko-Weiss, president of the International End of Life Doula Association (INELDA), one of several organizations offering certification in the field.

The weekend-long training will cover the best ways to touch a dying person, when to use aromatherapy and guided visualizations, strategies to relieve overburdened family members, how to organize a “legacy project” to help capture the patient’s life, assisting at the moment of death and helping loved ones process their grief in the weeks that follow.

On the first morning, Fersko-Weiss, a social worker who worked with hospice facilities for decades before creating an end-of-life doula program in 2003, asks each of the students to recall a death that affected them. How it smelled and looked and felt. How it shaped their concept of what constitutes a “good death.”

One woman talked about her daughter’s stillborn baby.

“That was the hardest hurt I ever felt,” she said. “I didn’t understand how you could take a baby who was full-term.”

Fersko-Weiss nodded and observed that she may be able to transform her pain into something that could aid dying patients and their families.

“If we can touch that place of angst and anguish and despair,” he said, “it may help us to be more present to other people experiencing it now.”

Later, the prospective doulas talk about their reasons for coming. Several had had negative experiences with the death of a close relative. A few were birth doulas who wanted to assist with the exit from, as well as the entrance into, life. One woman had suffered a brain injury and a near-death experience. All said that they wanted to be of service in a way that would make this final transition somehow better for others.

They will be called upon to fill all kinds of roles, Fersko-Weiss told them. Sometimes patients may need help with physical care; other times, families will need assistance with errands or household chores. In all cases it will be a doula’s job to listen, without judgment, to honor the experience of both the dying person and their loved ones, and to facilitate meaningful interactions between them.

“As a doula, it’s important to encourage people to say everything they need to say,” Fersko-Weiss explains, “so that they don’t look back and really regret it.”

Beautiful souls

Craig Phillips’s path to end-of-life doula work wasn’t straight, but he thinks he was always inching toward it. He grew up in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, next door to a cemetery that served as his playground. In college, he had a chance meeting with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the famed psychiatrist whose groundbreaking work shaped our modern understanding of death. And all through his life, Phillips has had an intense awareness of his own mortality.

At 61, he has the look and presence of a yogi, but he spent most of his adult life in the corporate world. Several years ago, his sister called, saying that her ex-husband was suffering from advanced ALS and living in a facility very close to Phillips’ Baltimore home. So Phillips went to see him. And kept going, two or three times a week, for the last 2 1/2 years of the man’s life.

“I’d bring him flowers,” he recalls. “I’d tell him stories. I’d take oil over and rub his feet, stuff like that. Just devoted myself to him. And it was a beautiful thing.”

A man in Phillips’ running club mentioned volunteering as a death doula, so when he retired last fall, he linked up with Gilchrist Hospice Care, which serves more than 750 patients daily in the Baltimore area and established its own end-of-life doula program in December 2009. It has since grown to more than 150 volunteers.

After 20 hours of training in January, Phillips spent a morning shadowing a mentor doula at Gilchrist’s facility in Towson.

“We walked into a patient’s room, and she said, ‘Isn’t this person beautiful?’ I could see that they were. And she said, ‘Yes, all my patients are beautiful,’ ” he recalls. “You walk into a room and there’s someone there with their mouth open, looking very near death. Perhaps no teeth in their mouth and a three-day beard or whatever. And I look at these souls and they’re beautiful. It’s the oddest thing. Their guard is down. They’re just who they are in their most real, beautiful state.”

Phillips has helped long-term-care patients communicate with a letter board and even washed a dog for one family. On his weekly visits to an elderly man who was still alert, Phillips brought videos of the patient’s favorite big band performances.

But with many patients, Phillips just sits, quietly meditating and sending good wishes. He tells them that they are safe. And that they are not alone. One woman was unable to speak, but when he said goodbye after three hours, “she mouthed the words ‘Thank you’ and held out her hands like I was dear to her,” he says.

The work has also produced an unintended side effect. It has pushed Phillips’ awareness of mortality even further to the forefront of his mind.

And happily so.

“The more immediacy, for me, that I have of this,” he says, “the more appreciation I have for every day, every minute.”

Complete Article HERE!