Tag: Grief and Grieving

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20 physical, behavioural and emotional symptoms of grief and bereavement and how to overcome them

It’s a different road for everyone, but these suggestions could help…

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The death of a loved one is one of the hardest things an individual can go through, and there’s no set formula for how their grief will manifest itself.

Bereavement affects everyone differently, and at times it can leave you feeling bereft, alone, hopeless or angry.

The Coping with Bereavement guide from older people’s charity Independent Age reminds us that: “There’s no one way of grieving – everyone deals with bereavement differently. There’s no expected way you should be feeling or set time it will take for you to feel more like yourself again.”

And it’s not just our emotions that are in disarray after the death of a loved one, our bodies feel it, too. Like any other form of emotional stress, the body has a physical reaction which can further add to the sufferer’s distress.

With guidance from the team at Independent Age, here are the physical, emotional and behavioural symptoms of grief. It can be reassuring to know that what you are experiencing is normal, and that the symptoms of grief can be far-ranging. However, if you are worried about anything you are thinking or feeling, including physical symptoms, it’s a good idea to speak to your GP.

Physical symptoms of grief

People are often less aware of these, but grief can affect your body just as much as it can affect your emotions. This is related to the stress of the situation. Everyone is affected differently, but you might experience:

  • Exhaustion.
  • Breathlessness.
  • Aches and pains, such as chest pain and headaches.
  • Shaking and increased heart rate.
  • Feeling sick.
  • Upset stomach.
  • Oversensitivity to noise and light.
  • Skin problems and sensitivity.
  • Lower resistance to illness in general.
  • Panic attacks.

Emotional feelings of grief

Your feelings can be chaotic after a death and this can be overwhelming and sometimes frightening. However, this is usually normal and intense feelings tend to ease over time. Emotional symptoms can include:

  • Anxiety – including worries about your own mortality.
  • Relief – for example if someone died after a long illness.
  • Irritability – although family can be a source of support when you’re grieving, family quarrels are not uncommon after a death.
  • Feelings of detachment – these are particularly common in the period just after the death. You might feel detached from your life, but these feelings usually fade over time.
  • Depression and loneliness.
  • Troubling thoughts.

Behavioural impact of grief

Bereavement can also affect your behaviour. Again, you might expect some of these effects, such as being very tearful, but not others. You might experience:

  • Restlessness or hyperactivity – this can be a coping mechanism.
  • Inability to concentrate – you might be preoccupied with the death and go over and over what happened.
  • Disturbed sleep or nightmares – nightmares and flashbacks can be more common if someone has died through suicide or other traumatic death.
  • Loss of appetite or comfort eating – which can of course also cause physical changes to your weight.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP EASE GRIEF?

The Independent Age guide explains that it’s really important to be kind to yourself and do things that help you. This doesn’t mean ignoring your grief – allow yourself to feel sad and give yourself time to grieve and remember the person in your own way.

Allow yourself to also grieve for any secondary losses you may experience after a death, for example, having to move out of the family home or no longer having to maintain a role such as mother, wife, career etc.

1. Talk about it

Talking to others about the person who has died, your memories of them, and how you’re feeling can be very helpful. You might want to talk to:

  • Other people who knew the person you have lost
  • A GP
  • Counsellor – more info here
  • Helpline adviser – more info here

  • New research from Independent Age has revealed that almost half (44%) of the sandwich generation (40-64 year olds) do not feel comfortable talking to their parents about death. However, according to the older generation surveyed (over 65s), 58% think it’s important to open up about death. Janet Morrison, Chief Executive of Independent Age says:

    “It’s understandable that many people struggle to talk about death and final wishes. As a nation, we need to start embracing these conversations and promote a positive change in how we perceive and talk about this subject. We don’t expect this to change overnight, but it’s time to take action, be brave and talk about death.”

2. Books that might help

Many people find it consoling to read about other people’s experiences of grief. This can help us to process our grief and feel less alone in our experience. This could be particularly valuable in the early days after a death, when you might not feel ready to talk to others.

You can try:

1. Cruse Bereavement Care – Recommended reading list
2. The Compassionate Friends – Recommended reading list. The Compassionate Friends also operates a postal lending library.
3. Your local library
4. Your GP may also be able to recommend self-help resources.
5. Overcoming Grief, part of the Overcoming self-help series, endorsed by the Royal College of Psychiatrists.

3. Take practical steps

It’s easy to stop caring for yourself when you’re grieving, but a few simple things can help to make this period easier:

  • Try to get plenty of sleep.
  • Eat healthily.
  • Be kind to yourself and don’t put pressure on yourself to feel better too quickly.
  • Avoid numbing the pain too much with things like alcohol, which won’t help you in the long run.
  • Try to keep to a routine – it might feel easier to stop doing things and seeing people, but in the long run this can make you feel worse.
  • Try returning to activities you enjoyed before you were bereaved such as going for a walk, listening to music or swimming.
  • Find small things that help you feel better, like buying yourself flowers.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Grief Resolution

By Tracy Lee

I live in a world filled with grief. My work dictates that I see it every day.

Grief is not universally the same for everyone. Professionally, I have observed that it is uniquely coded into a survivor’s collective history. It is personal with recovery predicated upon one’s abilities, strategies, and skills.

Although some would have you believe it is depression, ADHD, PTSD, a personality disorder, or some other pathological condition, it is not. It is a normal and natural reaction, albeit painful, to significant loss. It carries emotional, physical, and psychological consequences through interference into one’s comfort and health by reducing abilities to concentrate, sleep, and eat. It decreases one’s tolerance levels and coping skills and evokes fear in a multitude of facets. It imposes loneliness, creates insecurity, causes significant and immediate lifestyle changes, and at times catapults one into dire straits. In short, grief is a foe whose significance is based on the survivor’s reliance, depth of love, and/or responsibilities toward the deceased. It is the ultimate adversary to harmonious living. Additionally, one should not treat grief as a pathological condition through self-medicating or prescription drugs as these will only mask the pain, inviting illness to set in and disease to take hold.

Lack of resolution carries extreme consequences. If a survivor has compromised health or engages in a prescribed medical treatment for illness or disease, he/she would be well advised to avoid interference in their regime. A study of widowed persons found that the overall death rate for the surviving spouse doubled in the first week following the loss. Additionally, heart attacks more than doubled for male survivors and more than tripled for female survivors. Overall, surviving spouses were 93 percent more likely to get into fatal auto accidents and their suicide rate increased by 242 percent. (Mortality after Bereavement: A Prospective Study of 95,647 Widowed Persons, American Journal of Public Health 1987)

According to the US Census Bureau (USCB), 13 million survivors enter grief annually. Many of them suffer the pain of grief for 10 to 40 years. If grief-stricken survivors stack up over an average of 25 years, the number increases to 260 million suffering within the US borders. That is 80 percent of America’s population. “Thousands of mental health professionals report that although their clients come to them with other presenting issues, almost all of them have unresolved grief as their underlying problem.” (The Grief Recovery Method, Guide for Loss)

Unfortunately, many confuse Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ study, a.k.a. “Kubler-Ross Model” on death and dying as the “Recovery Road Map” for survivors. The confusion lies in that her study concentrated on the stages of grief suffered by dying persons. She does not apply her findings to the survivor’s experience of recovery. In the blink of an eye, the survivor is faced with a very different scenario of life. He/she must instantly face the financial, physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual realities and adjustments of survival after loss. The senseless association of the Kubler-Ross Model as grief recovery by universities and media has led to misinformation and confusion for those suffering grief.

To recover from grief, one must travel through it; not dance around it. We need smaller experiences of loss through earlier years from which to draw. The loss of a favorite toy, the death of a pet, or relocating and making new friends all serve as foundational experiences to prepare us for the ultimate loss of our loved ones. Unfortunately, society has robbed us of many of these foundational losses and recovery experiences. Many have never learned good sportsmanship by experiencing the disappointments of defeat while playing ball against their schoolmates as children. Others have never had to overcome relationship disappointments, as their friends are virtual rather than actual. The point is that our society is ill-prepared for the pain associated with loss. We live in a pseudo-reality filled with desensitizing scenarios of death. At some juncture, however, reality comes our way. One day, we will look at our electronics and feel-good scenarios and realize that whether we are prepared for it or not, we will participate in life based on the terms set forth by eternal laws of truth. That is the day that you will receive an unwelcome wake-up call into the pitfalls of adult realities, responsibilities, and crushing grief.

Do yourself a favor. Put down the electronics, the virtual realities, and the hyped up desensitizing entertainment programs sensationalizing violence and mass death. Doing so will allow you to experience life as it should be, with real joy, real fulfillment, and the ability to achieve meaningful recovery.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why is anticipatory grief so powerful?

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Although everyone experiences anticipatory grief—a feeling of loss before a death or dreaded event occurs—some have never heard of the term. I didn’t understand the power of anticipatory grief until I became my mother’s family caregiver. My mother suffered a series of mini strokes and, according to her physician, they equaled Alzheimer’s disease. I cared for my mother for nine years and felt like she was dying right before my eyes.

To help myself, I began to study anticipatory grief. While I cared for my mother I wrote a book on the topic. Writing a book parallel to my mother’s life was an unusual experience. Later, Dr. Lois Krahn, a Mayo Clinic psychiatrist, helped me with the final version. Our book, Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief, was published in 2005.

Writing the book made me aware of the power of anticipatory grief and I went on AG alert. I had severe anticipatory grief when my husband’s aorta dissected in 2013. My husband was literally bleeding to death. Surgeons operated on him three times in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding. Every time he went to surgery I thought it would be the last time I would see him.
My grief was so intense I began to plan his memorial service.

Although you realize you’re experiencing anticipatory grief, you may not understand its power. Here are some of the sources of that power.

Your thoughts jump around. You think about the past, the present, and a future without your loved one. These conflicting thoughts can make you worry about yourself. Friends may notice your distraction and think you have some sort of psychological problem. You don’t have a problem; you are grieving.

Every day is a day of uncompleted loss. If you are a long-term caregiver as I was, you wonder if your grief will ever end. Worse, you may wonder if you will survive such intense feelings. You may start to feel like anticipatory grief is tearing you apart.

The time factor can grind you down. Since you don’t know when the end will come, you are on constant alert. Friends may not understand your feelings and wonder why you’re grieving if nobody has died. Explaining your feelings to others is hard because you can hardly track them yourself.

Suspense and fear are part of your life. Because you fear others won’t understand, you keep your feelings to yourself. Grief experts call this “stuffing feelings” and you may feel stuffed with worry, insecurity, and sadness. Uncertainty seems to rule your life.

Anticipatory grief can become complex. Grief expert Therese A. Rando, PhD, author of the article, “Anticipatory Grief: The Term is a Misnomer but the Phenomenon Exists,” says anticipatory grief imposes limits on your life. That’s bad enough, but as time passes, your anticipatory grief keeps expanding. “I’m tired of waiting for my mother to die,” a friend of mine admitted. I understood her feelings.

There is a shock factor. Edward Myers, in his book When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults, says anticipatory grief doesn’t have the shock of sudden death, yet it exacts a terrible toll. As he writes, “If sudden death hits like an explosion, knocking you flat, then a slow decline arrives like a glacier, massive, unstoppable, grinding you down.”

Lack of an endpoint. Although you may think you know when your loved one’s life will come to a close, you aren’t really sure. Waiting for the end can put your life on hold, sap your strength, and prolong anticipatory grief.

You feel sorrow and hope at the same time. Hope may be the most unique aspect of anticipatory grief. While you’re grieving you hope a new drug will be invented, new surgery will be developed, or your loved one will experience a miraculous turn-around. Hope can keep you going.

Understanding anticipatory grief can keep you going too. Joining The Caregiver Space Facebook groups can be a source of support and hope. Remember, you are not alone. You are in the company of thousands of other caregivers, and we can help each other.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Managing grief with exercise

by Ernie Schramayr

Last month, my parents celebrated their 84th and 88th birthdays. At the same time, they were living with late-stage cancers and seemingly out of treatment options. After managing their diseases for over 15 years, they were fading fast and by the end of the month, both had passed away.

No matter your age or the circumstances, losing a parent is tough. Losing both of your parents in the same month, however, takes grief to a whole new level. I was somewhat prepared for their deaths, but, not really ready to navigate the different stages of grieving that I was about to go through, so I decided to just “keep busy” while the different emotions and physical feelings worked their way through my body and my mind.

One of the things that helped me endure these last few weeks was that I kept moving, sweating and exercising. At a time when it seemed like the world was out of control, going to the gym for a workout or to the trails for a bike ride gave me a sense that I actually did still have control over some things. It also gave me a sense of purpose when I really just felt like going to bed. As a matter of fact, when my sister called me with the news that my dad had passed away, I broke down … and then I worked out. To some it might seem a strange reaction but, to me, it felt comforting. It let me clear my head and gave me the ability to better deal with the actual event. After my workout, I breathed easier and then went home to cry some more and to break the news to the rest of my family.

In the throes of the intense emotions that come with grief, the instinct to isolate and withdraw can be overwhelming. I’ve experienced and given in to those feelings many times over the past month myself. There is no right or wrong way to go through the grieving process, and if being alone feels right, it probably is. There is one thing, however, that does seem to help virtually everyone that is in the process of dealing with emotional pain. That thing is exercise.

Aside from bringing a sense of purpose to your life, exercise triggers “feel good” chemicals in the body that elevate mood and result in increased blood flow, circulation and oxygen uptake. It also helps fight feelings of depression, anxiety, fatigue and even “brain fog,” and has been shown to minimize feelings of physical pain and insomnia and is important in helping to regulate appetite.

Exercising during the grieving process can help one regain motivation for work and other social commitments. While all activity is good and “just getting moving” is the right idea, working out at a high intensity can also move you to consider “What else can I take back?” when trying to get back to your “normal” life.

It goes without saying that I am writing this article based on my own personal experience. Exercising while dealing with intense emotion may not feel right for everyone. The thought of “getting going” might seem overwhelming, but for me it was just what the doctor ordered. Decide for yourself what is the best way forward, but consider the evidence that suggests that engaging in exercise while grieving is one of the best things you can do to make it through the process.

One final thought. While my family and I have been doing well during this trying time, there have been some pretty heavy “moments” and challenging days. I’ve learned to be kind to myself, and if a nap or a slice of pizza or glass of scotch feels right, I’ll skip the gym that day and make plans to pick it up the next. Having a plan and a sense of purpose means that; taking an extra day to mourn won’t turn into a week and then a month and then a year before getting things back on track. In the end, we’re all human and figuring things out as we go to the best of our abilities.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘When my husband died I married his best friend’

By 9Honey I As told to Libby Jane Charleston

Angela and Pete had the perfect marriage but it all ended when he tragically died at the age of 34. Angela was overwhelmed with grief when her late husband’s best friend stepped up to play a major role in her life.

I was married to Pete for only two years and I was madly in love with him. We’d only been dating for three months when we got engaged, it was a whirlwind romance of the most romantic kind, better than anything I could imagine. He was the kindest, sweetest man and everybody adored him.

Then tragedy struck and he was involved in a motorbike accident and killed instantly. I was at work when I heard the news and to this day, I still can’t believe he has gone. My life fell apart all around me. When I say everyone was devastated, I’m not exaggerating; friends, family, workmates, casual acquaintances, there was an outpouring of grief.

But I believe nobody was more impacted than me. For a long time I struggled to get out of bed, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, my grief took over my life. The only person who really stuck by me in terms of helping me get over the initial first stages of grief was his best friend, Andrew, who became my rock.

He was also grieving the loss of Pete but he would come over first thing in the morning, make sure I got up and had breakfast, he helped me and his family prepare for the funeral, and after the funeral when so many people went back to their own lives and I was pretty much forgotten, Andrew was by my side at all times.

So it was no great surprise that after leaning on each other so heavily in those painful months after Pete’s death that Andrew and I got closer and closer, eventually falling in love. We waited for a year before we let everybody know that we were now a couple and perhaps that was too soon because I was shocked at the reaction of people that I thought were friends.

Most of all I was shocked by the reaction of Pete’s family who were horrified that Andrew and I were together. Only Pete’s sister was accepting of us, she said she was pleased to see us both smiling again and that we both deserve happiness after having Pete ripped out of our lives in such a shocking way. Pete’s parents and his brother were a different story, his mum said she was ashamed of me, that Andrew and I must have been having an affair which was not true at all.

Pete’s parents made my life very difficult and because I inherited the house we’d bought shortly after we married, they objected to me living there with Andrew, which was pretty ludicrous.

Looking back, I realise they were still grieving and I became the target of their anger. But it was really upsetting that they didn’t see that what had happened in the aftermath of Pete’s death was some kind of miracle, that two people that Pete had loved, found happiness together. We’re now expecting a baby and I’m determined to reach out to my former in-laws and hope they will give this baby their blessing and instead of feeling all this anger towards me, that they finally have compassion for me.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How do you handle the grief that comes with the death a pet?

Pet urns memorialize our beloved animal friends.

By

Cinnamon, Mary Kunkel’s little white terrier — like a surprising number of adorable dogs these days — has her own Facebook page. “Squirrel Chasing Inc” is listed as her occupation.

And on Feb. 28, Cinnamon’s page was exuberant.

“One year ago today, I had a grapefruit-sized tumor removed from my liver and a recent ultrasound was clear,” Cinnamon’s page said. “Celebrating!”

The celebration didn’t last. Two months later, the Kunkels had to make the heart-wrenching decision to euthanize Cinnamon. The loss was devastating.

“If I had talked to you a few days after she died, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without breaking down,” Kunkel says.

But now more than ever, numerous resources have cropped up to assist pet owners left reeling from their loss. There are entire hotlines, online support groups, trained veterinarians and therapists dedicated to helping bereaved pet owners who are struggling with grief.

At Washington State University, veterinary students get specific training for how to console grieving patients. Charlie Powell, spokesman for the Washington State University College of Veterinary Medicine, says that veterinary students staff a hotline that those mourning a lost pet can call.

“The bond between humans and animals has become greater over time,” Powell says. At one time, we saw pets as a tool — a horse to pull a cart, a dog to hunt with, a cat to catch mice. Today, they’re our best friends.

“We’ve had a few people threaten suicide over the loss of their animal,” Powell continues, “It’s very common for people to lock themselves in their exam room after euthanasia and grieve with their pets for hours at a time.”

One big message that the pet-loss hotline assures callers: It’s natural to be heartbroken.

“There’s nothing wrong with grieving,” Powell says. “It’s perfectly OK for the big burly 300-pound cop whose canine companion has died to bawl his eyes out and miss work.”

In Spokane, Bob Brandkamp used to have a professional therapy practice focused entirely on helping people through the grief of a loss of a pet. After his license expired, he stopped charging money for it, but still meets with people to help them through the process.

“Grief is grief,” Brandkamp says. “You go through the same stages if you lose a human that you know.”

He assures people they needn’t feel guilty about their pet’s death.

“It’s nothing that they’ve done,” he says. “They’ve done everything within their power to give them the most amount of care.”

For Cinnamon’s owner Kunkel, a crucial part of the healing process was helped along by the veterinarian who euthanized the dog. Kunkel didn’t bring Cinnamon to a veterinary clinic. She called up Spokane veterinarian Lacey Rasmussen and asked her to come to the Kunkels’ house.

In her last moments, Kunkel says, “Cinnamon got to be at home and lay in her favorite spot.”

Veterinary clinics or hospitals can be stressful places for pets, Rasmussen says. So she drives out to the place of a pet owner’s choosing, conducting the euthanizations in living rooms, bathrooms, bedrooms and backyards.

The pets, she says, “fall asleep like they’ve fallen asleep a hundred times before.” It’s a peaceful moment, and a chance for the whole family to say goodbye to their pet. One kid, she remembers, played a song for his dog over his Bluetooth speakers as the dog was falling asleep.

Sometimes, Rasmussen will take a piece of soft clay and press pets’ paws into it, to create a permanent momento.

“We can leave something with them,” Rasmussen says. “It’s hard when you take the pet away and they’re left with the empty spot.”

Similarly, Family Pet Memorial in Spokane offers ornate pet urns, necklaces and keychains that a cremated pet’s ashes can be placed in.

Kunkel says that Rasmussen’s presence was helpful. But the loss, months later, still lingers.

“I still have a hard time looking at pictures,” Kunkel says. “When Cinnamon died, there was this big void. We have a cat. The cat tries, but it’s not the same.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The mourning after: dolphins grieve for their dead

It looks like cetaceans grieve – but interpretation remains contested. Tanya Loos reports.

Cared for in life and mourned in death: dolphin behaviour suggests three phases of grief.

By Tanya Loos

A female dolphin may carry its deceased calf around for days, until the body is in such a state of decomposition that only the head or part of the body remains. New research published in the journal Zoology suggests that this behaviour is evidence that dolphins grieve for their dead.

The scientific discipline known as comparative thanology examines how animals respond behaviourally, physiologically and psychologically to dead members of their own species.

It is a somewhat tricky field, for the experience of grief and its expression varies widely even between the cultures of our own species, and for many cognitive scientists the jury is still out regarding whether animals have a concrete understanding of death and its finality. Still, the use of the word “grieving” in an animal context has been increasingly accepted since Jane Goodall’s landmark study of wild chimpanzees (Pan troglodytes) in 1986.

Accounts of whales and dolphins caring for or attending dead or dying individuals have been reported since the 1950s, and are observed by cetacean watchers and researchers worldwide. Lead author Giovanni Bearzi from the Dolphin Biology and Conservation Group, based in Italy, along with an international team of colleagues, decided to conduct a comprehensive literature review to investigate patterns and variation in this behaviour in cetaceans.

The team analysed 78 records reported between 1970 and 2016, and adopted a weighted comparative approach to take observation effort into account – mainly because dolphins are much more readily observed than large whale species which tend to be out in deep water and submerged for longer.

Toothed whales were much more likely than baleen whales to attend to their dead. In fact, dolphins accounted for 92.3% of 78 records, and baleen whales only 1.3%. An analysis of relative brain size across the cetaceans found that the taxa with larger relative brain sizes are more likely to interact with their dead. This finding is consistent with the concept that sociality in mammals is closely associated with encephalisation, also known as the “social brain” hypothesis.

While dolphins had many records, killer whales or orcas (Orcinas orca), which are also highly social, had surprisingly low incidences of attending the dead. More systematic reporting may reveal this behaviour in orcas and sperm whales (Physeter microcephalus), but the study suggests it may be less prevalent in species which move in fast swimming pods, or are deep divers.

So what is going on with the dolphins and their behaviour towards dead members of their species? Are they grieving? The majority of sightings were of an adult female carrying a dead calf, presumably her own. In some cases, the behaviour was observed between mothers and other females in the group.

“If one accepts that at some point cetaceans do ‘recognise’ death – an aspect that is still controversial among cetacean scientists including co-authors of this study,” says lead author Bearzi, “then three phases of post-mortem attentive behaviour may be considered.”

In the first of these phases, the female attempts to revive or protect the calf or stricken adult. There is adaptive value in this action as it may result in the recovery of the individual.

In the second, the dead individual is carried around for days, even to the point of putrefaction and the “finality of death is cognitively recognised but possibly not emotionally accepted”.

The study posits that the strong attachment between mother and calf, or between closely knit members of the group, results in “a difficulty of ‘letting go’—possibly related to grieving, or perhaps individuals failing to recognise or accept that an offspring or companion has died”.

In the final stage, the dolphin loses interest in the carcass, and returns to its normal behaviour.

Grieving behaviour in our close relatives the chimpanzees and other large-brained, highly social primates is largely accepted in the scientific world. This research suggests that even mammals evolutionarily distant from Homo sapiens may also mourn.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!