Grief Isn’t Something to Get Over

The notion that one gets over it is a myth.

by Mary Lamia

[T]he emotion of grief may be triggered by the loss of a loved one or the result of a life circumstance. Many people believe that if you have effectively mourned a loss you will then achieve closure. The notion that one mourns a loss and then gets over it, to the extent that emotions about the loss are not triggered in the future, is a myth.

Similarly, children have such expectations about getting over loss. They seem to believe that one needs to do something in particular in order to achieve that goal. Several years ago, as host of a radio talk show for kids, I asked listeners about the issue of loss. An 8-year old boy told me that his grandfather had died two weeks before and he wanted to know how to get over it-he thinks about him all the time and can’t concentrate on anything else. A 12-year old boy explained that his dog had died and he wanted to know what to do since he couldn’t say good-bye to her and didn’t think that he could ever “fill [his] heart with anything else.” I didn’t ask what he meant by his choice of words, however, I felt its meaning. A 13-year old girl said that she asks her brother about what clothes look good on her because she doesn’t have a mom, and it always feels like something is missing. She asked, “How do I get over my mom dying?”

The misguided notion that grief is a process that allows a final working through of a loss is likely the fault of my own profession–mental health professionals who have promoted this notion in their work with grieving individuals. Clinical data makes it clear that any significant loss, later and repeatedly, brings up longing and sadness. Is it because these people have not achieved closure by traversing prescribed stages of mourning or because they have not “worked through the loss” as some therapists boldly claim? No. It’s because you never get over loss. As time passes, the intensity of feelings about the loss will lessen, you might also find ways to sooth or distract yourself, or you can partially bury grief-related feelings by creating new memories. But you’re not going to get over it because that’s impossible: you cannot erase emotional memory. Besides, it’s not about achieving closure. Instead you have to figure out what you are going to do when your emotional memories are later triggered.

Emotions that have to do with loss are triggered throughout our lives. Usually they are in the form of anniversary reactions, such as the birthday or death day of the lost loved one or any significant holiday in which you might want to be with the person who is gone. Reminders, such as visiting a place you’ve been with the person you lost, will trigger a similar response. Episodes of depression or anxiety that seem to come from nowhere may have been activated by anniversary reactions or situation-matching reactions.

Grief can also be triggered by an age-matching anniversary reaction, which is when a person’s age matches the age of a parent or loved one when they died. The remarkable power of age-matching anniversary reactions arising from the loss of a parent in childhood was demonstrated to me when I began training as a psychologist nearly 40 years ago. I had been treating a severely depressed man who, for many months, was not responsive to intensive psychotherapy or medication. Upon discovering with the patient that his depression began at a time in which his age matched his father’s age of death, the depression miraculously lifted. Beneath his depression lay a myriad of fears that he would be like his father, which included dying at the same age of his father as well as guilt that he was not like his father and could live a full life. Although he had been unaware of the age factor, his painful feelings seemed to recreate the trauma of his father’s death, which was too overwhelming for him to feel when he was ten years old.

One of the reasons that grief happens to be triggered by external reminders, such as in anniversary reactions, is because grief is an emotion that sends a vague alert to help you to remember, rather than to forget. Even so, what most people do with grief is attempt to forget–to get over it–which is quite contrary to the purpose of the emotion. Rather than try to forget, one must attempt to remember and accept what the emotion is trying to convey. There are many ways to remember. You can remember what you learned from the person you lost, remember what you enjoyed, and you can cry if you feel like crying. Even if your grief is about a relationship gone bad, there is always something that you can learn through recollection.

There are related themes of loss that people express, and later grief responses related to those losses, such as the many women and men who have given up a child for adoption. The child’s birth date does not pass by without an emotional reaction, whether or not they recognize it at the time. Similarly, the date a child would have been born for a childless woman who has had a miscarriage can trigger grief. The experience of loss when a relationship ends can be triggered on the former partner’s birthday, on the anniversary of when you met, or on any holiday.

Whenever I am bothered by the thought of just how misguided the notion of stages of grieving can be, I remember one patient in particular who wanted help with the depression she had every summer, which at the time she told me was when her 12-year old child had died 25 years before. She sought therapy because she was convinced that something was wrong with her. Every June, for 25 years, she had experienced a grief response. Simply knowing that she wasn’t crazy because of the intense emotions she felt made it a bit easier the next time June arrived. Rather than try to get rid of her painful feelings at the time, instead she learned to think about exactly what she would do to remember her son.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow sums up the lifelong experience of grief in the first 3 lines of his poem, Secret Anniversaries Of The Heart:
The holiest of all holidays are those
Kept by ourselves in silence and apart;
The secret anniversaries of the heart.

For more information regarding my books about emotions: http://www.marylamia.com

Complete Article HERE!

A pet’s death: How to cope with your grief, loneliness

By Michael Joe Murphy

[O]wn a pet? Eighty-five million American households do — at least 43 million of them with dogs, an estimated 36 million with cats — beloved friends, companions, often considered family members. Photos of pets being rescued from Hurricane Harvey are a reminder of how much we treasure them. As we cherish them no less than our closest human companions, the loss of a pet often brings intense pain. For advice on coping with that grief, and the difficult decisions facing owners upon the loss of a pet, the Orlando Sentinel Editorial Board sought out Dr. Ron Del Moro, a licensed mental-health counselor with the University of Florida’s Veterinary Hospitals.

Q: What can a pet owner expect to feel over the loss of a pet?

A: I am not sure what one may expect, as there are an infinite range of emotions that losing a loved one can produce. The key for people experiencing loss is to allow oneself to feel whatever comes up without judging it. Many people I work with feel a deep loss when their pet dies. Extreme sadness, loneliness, and guilt are some of the most common emotions I see.

Q: What can a person do about those feelings?

A: One of the best things to do is not to judge our feelings (or the feelings of someone else going through it). We all deal with loss and grief differently; there really is no right or wrong. With that said, I feel that guilt and anger, though common, are misplaced and can be unhealthy. Often these emotions are masking deeper feelings of sadness.

The key is get support wherever we can. It is healthy to feel our emotions and be able to talk it through with people we trust (including a mental-health professional).

An individual’s way of grieving will differ from the way other people grieve. One’s grieving process also will differ in intensity and duration in the losses one experiences throughout your lifetime. Following are a few of the many ways that grief can be expressed and healing enhanced:

• Open expression of emotions such as crying, conversations about loss, etc.

• Drawing, writing poetry, or other artistic expressions

• Internal processing, thinking about the loss, trying to make sense of it, often done during activities such as meditation, exercising, bike riding.

• Dedicating time to animal organizations.

• Committing to make positive changes in your own life.

• Making scrap books or photograph albums of your pet.

• Keeping a written documentation of your feelings/journaling.

Again, there are infinite healthy ways to cope with loss and grief; it is very much a unique individual process.

Q: When is the right time to euthanize a pet?

A: Again, I cannot make that call. Only a veterinarian and the owner can answer this question, hopefully together. I don’t know when the “right” time is, and I would like to think that euthanasia is an appropriate and humane step to take to end pain and suffering when there is a low likelihood that our loved one is going to feel better. I often think quality of life is a key factor in this very personal decision. It hurts to see animals suffer without hope of healing.

Q: Should an owner stay during euthanasia?

A: Again, this is an extremely personal decision; there is no right or wrong. I always tell people, try to avoid “shoulding” on yourself and others. I recommend that people to take time and think about this decision and discuss it with family and/or your veterinarian.

Q: What should owners do next? What should they tell their children?

A: Everyone handles grief differently, there is no one right way. Individuals need to ask themselves “what do I need.” This can be a difficult question to answer, and we may not be able to get what they need even if they figure it out, but we have a much better chance of getting what we need when we know what is needed. Talking to supportive people, engaging in activities that allow us to be present in the moment and staying out of our thoughts is a good place to start.

In regard to talking children, it is up to the family and their spiritual beliefs. It is an opportunity to have a conversation with them about what death is. Telling kids that their loved one is “getting put to sleep” can give children a negative association with sleep, and I recommend against it.

Q: Will pets that lose an animal as a companion grieve?

A: I am not an animal expert and really don’t know. It seems that the other pets do miss their companion and experience a loss, but I cannot say this with much validity.

Reactions of Other Pets in the Home

If you have other pets in your home, you might find that they appear to be grieving the loss of the one who died. This is not at all unusual as the loss of a human or animal family member will change the structure and dynamics of the family. Also, pets that have lived together can become just as bonded to each other as we become to them.

Therefore, many animals will experience a transitional and readjustment period as a reaction to the missing pet. If your pets are experiencing physical symptoms or behaviors that have you concerned, or if these symptoms last more than a couple of days to a week, a visit to your veterinarian is warranted to rule out illness or disease.

The following are some behaviors of surviving pets that have been reported by people:

• Searching behavior

• Increase or decrease in vocalization

• Changes in the amount of attention the pet wants

• Taking on behaviors of the pet that died even if this never occurred before, such as:

• Sleeping where the other pet slept

• Playing with toys that belonged to the pet that died

• Rubbing or rolling where the other pet rubbed or rolled

• Other unique activities the deceased pet engaged in

• Changes in appetite

• Changes in mood

• Personality changes such as quiet or shy pets becoming more outgoing and assertive, or outgoing pets becoming more quiet.

What You Can Do to Help Your Pets Through Their Grieving Process.

• Observe them closely for changes

• Do not change their basic routine or the structure of their day any more than is absolutely necessary. For example, feeding, grooming, and sleeping time should remain as close as possible to the way it was in the past. Remember, changes in your pet’s routine will only add to confusion.

• Respect your pet’s desire for “hands on” attention such as holding, cuddling and petting. Many people report wanting to get closer to remaining pets in the home but find that the pets do not always welcome more attention, especially if it is something they are not used to. Try not to push unwanted attention onto them. However, if remaining pets are seeking more close attention, then try to find the time to give it.

• Provide more opportunities for exercise and play — this will be good for both of you.

• Reward calm, relaxed or other desirable behavior.

• Try leaving a TV or radio on while you are gone.

• Understand that animals are very good at picking up on their human’s mood and some of your pet’s reactions could be a result of your stress or anxiety. Many people find it helpful to not cry or show extreme sadness in front of their pets.

Should You Get Another Animal as a Companion for Your Pet?

This is one of those questions for which you are the best person to answer. You know your pets better than anyone else and are most likely the one who knows best if another pet will make your current pet or pets feel better.

Some things you might want to consider when making this decision are:

• Is your pet very social?

• Is your pet used to having other animals around?

• Would another pet help your current pet to get more activity and exercise?

• If your current pet is now an only pet, how much time will it be spending alone if there is not another animal in the house?

• Are you and other family members ready to commit to and reinvest in another pet?

Things to Remember

• Some animals will show no signs of grief after the death of another pet in the house.

• Even for pets, grief is an individual process that will affect each one in a different way.

• Your pet’s reaction to the loss should improve as the days/weeks go by. If this does not happen or if anorexia (loss of appetite) occurs, then you should contact your veterinarian.

Q: Should a grieving pet owner get a replacement right away?

A: Again, this is a very personal decision without a right or wrong answer.

Q: Is there anything else in your experience that people frequently ask or encounter? How do you recommend they deal with it?

A: Be kind to yourself and allow the cycles of grief to run its course. It can take weeks, months, and even longer. Get support and take care of yourself best you can.

Below is an excerpt from our pet loss support page that I helped create:

Self-Care During the Grieving Process

Grief can affect every aspect of your being. Therefore, your emotional, physical, cognitive, social, and spiritual needs must be nurtured in order to work through grief and to heal.

The following are some suggestions on how you might begin the process of self-care. You may find that improving in one aspect makes you feel better in others, or that certain behaviors help in more than one area. This is because they cannot really be separated; each is somewhat dependent on the others and all are crucial in healing and maintaining your general good health.

Emotional

Emotional care involves expressing and acknowledging your pain.

• Talk with someone who understands the relationship you had with your pet and how much you are hurting

• Write down your feelings in a journal or in a letter to your loved-one

• Create a scrapbook or photograph album of your pet

• Use your artistic abilities such as drawing, painting, or sculpting to express your feelings.

Physical

Physical care is done to keep your body healthy.

Grief can deplete your energy and make you extremely susceptible to illness and disease.

• Eat healthy foods

• Exercise

• Avoid using alcohol or drugs as a means of “feeling better”

• Try to get enough sleep.

Cognitive

Cognitive functioning can be extremely impaired by grief.

Try stimulating yourself intellectually to improve your memory, concentration, and other cognitive abilities.

• Read books and other information that will help you to understand what you are going through

• Talk with others who have been through a similar experience and learn what was helpful for them

• Social contacts and establishing a support network are extremely important to help us not feel so alone.

• Find a healthy balance between the time you need alone and being with others

• Join a pet-loss support group

• Although not everyone will understand your grief, having a couple of close friends or family members who are supportive will help tremendously.

Spiritual

Spiritual care involves doing things that you enjoy, that connect you with nature, and being kind to yourself. Some people refer to this as working in your “heart zone.”

Spiritual care can, but does not have to, include your religious beliefs or your philosophy on life.

• Take a long walk

• Take a long bath or shower

• Light a candle in memory of your pet

• Get a massage, facial, pedicure, or anything that makes you feel good about yourself

• Think about your philosophy of an afterlife for animals and talk with others who believe similarly to you

• Call a friend you haven’t spoken with for a long time

• Do something kind for someone else

• Meditate

• Do something kind for other animals or for an animal cause.

Complete Article HERE!

4 Things I Learned About Grief, Loss, and Healing After My Dad’s Death

By Susie Moore

Give time, time.” —Martha Beck

 
[M]y dad died when I was 19, when he was almost 60. He was a writer like me. He was also an addict. It was expected (he had a bad heart and no plans to surrender his vices), but it was still a shock when it actually happened. Sometimes it feels like 14 years ago. Sometimes it feels like it all happened so recently—especially when he visits me in dreams.

When I reflect upon my what I’ve learned about loss, grief, and life in the years since, these are four truths I know for sure:

1. Love is stronger than death.

I still have a father. He lives within me and my sister and in our memories. When I make an English roast dinner, drive a car (he taught me how), play Scrabble or cards, read the classics, watch English television, and even sit down to write, I feel his presence. The first time I held the book I’d authored in my hands, I felt him say, “I told you so! You did it.”

When someone leaves your life, all that’s gone is his or her physical form. That notion has been tremendously comforting to me.

2. Spending real time with loved ones is important.

I visit my mum in the U.K. twice per year. Life is busy, yes. But making time for the people you love matters. Spend time with your parents (and everyone who’s important to you). And try not to spend all the time you’re with them on your phone.

Ask them questions. What did they think about the world when they were your age? What were they doing? What year were they the happiest? What are their favorite memories of you? Write it down too! You’ll revisit those stories many times in your life.

3. Just because someone looks OK doesn’t mean they are OK.

After losing her husband suddenly last year, Sheryl Sandberg said, “Don’t ask someone who’s grieving, ‘How are you?’ Ask, ‘How are you today?’”

Emotions for someone who’s grieving are a roller coaster—they can go from laughter to tears in seconds. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and we should never judge anyone who is experiencing grief. The process is deeply personal. I don’t talk about my father unless it’s with my family or I’m speaking to someone going through a similar experience. I don’t want sympathy or questions. This is my way of handling things, and that’s OK.

4. Death can inspire you to live life to its fullest.

If I live to my dad’s age (and I hope to live much longer than that), my life is already more than halfway through. This sounds scary, but to me, it’s motivating. Death gives life meaning. When I contemplate my own imminent death one day, I feel courageous, fearless, and powerful. You’re allowed to feel this way too. The hardest lessons bring the greatest freedoms.

I think of my dad every day—especially when something funny happens. And I talk to him every time I achieve a significant milestone. I admit: I’m jealous when I see other people with their dads. And that’s OK too. I practice compassion for my own emotions, which I consider the highest form of self-care.

My grief has changed shape over the years, but it’s true what they say about time. My physical pangs of suffering are fewer now. And in moments of questioning, the most healing thing I can think to do is live a life he would be proud of. Because we’ll always be in it together.

You’re Sorry for Someone’s Loss. But How Do You Say It?

When you express condolences, share a memory of the person who died with the bereaved, experts said.

By

[E]xpressing condolences to a grieving friend or loved one can make the most articulate of us feel tongue-tied.

It often feels like an obstacle course of etiquette and taste: What should you say? Should you send a card or meet in person? Is an email or Facebook message acceptable? The answers to those questions often depend on your relationship to the grieving party, but here are some tips that are applicable in any situation.

Digital Condolences

Experts were divided about the use of social media to express sympathies.

In the case of someone you know mainly as a friend on Facebook, sending a Facebook message or an email could be “right on,” Sheila K. Collins, the author of “Warrior Mother: Fierce Love, Unbearable Loss and Rituals that Heal,” said in an email, adding: “Like the birthday wishes — short and to the point — ‘My thoughts are with you in this difficult time.’ ‘Sorry to hear of your loss.’ ”

April Masini, who writes about relationships and etiquette for her website Ask April, said in an email that offering sympathy via social media can fall short. Many people post comments primarily to be seen publicly expressing condolences, she said, and comforting the bereaved becomes a secondary goal.

If you do leave a message on a grieving person’s Facebook profile, be sure to follow up with a phone call, or maybe a note or card in the mail, experts said. You want your condolences to be personal and direct, so taking time to treat the grieving party to coffee or to send them a personal note means more than a quick “I’m sorry for your loss” via Facebook message or text.

Also, only offer condolences on social media if the person has posted the death and personally publicized it, said Michelle P. Maidenberg, the president and clinical director of Westchester Group Works, a group therapy center in Harrison, N.Y. The last thing you want is to force your grieving friend into an unwanted public conversation about the death.

Experts differed on the use of emails, but Ms. Maidenberg recommended against them.

“It puts the burden of responsibility on the other person to respond, and if they don’t have the time or wherewithal to answer, they could be left feeling regretful and guilty,” she said.

How to Get Started

As soon as you learn your friend has lost someone, send a note or condolence card. It can be difficult, but put yourself in your friend’s shoes and consider how helpful it would be to have someone to lean on during a tough time. Ms. Masini acknowledged that writing a condolence card can be a challenge, but she warned against procrastinating.

“Schedule some quiet time to compose a heartfelt message,” she wrote. “Chances are the person you’re writing to is going to value this card way more than you realize and will reread it several times, especially if you knew the person who died.”

You can start with “I’m sorry for your loss” or “My thoughts and prayers are with you.”

Draw on Your Memories

If you knew the person who died, talk about how what you loved most about that person.

“Your written memories are going to be like Christmas ornaments on a tree,” Ms. Masini wrote. “Help the bereaved grieve and remember fondly the one they’ve lost with your detailed anecdotes, memories and compliments.”

Ms. Collins said sharing something positive is a “very powerful action” that reminds the bereaved of how others interacted with the person who died.

“You want the person to get the message that you care, that they are not alone in their grief,” she said in an email. “You want to offer support, comfort and encouragement.”

Offer Concrete Ways to Help

“Making general offers of help such as ‘Let me know if I can be of help’ will go nowhere, so be specific when you offer your help,” Mr. Alpert said in an email.

Similarly, “I’m here if you want to talk” or “I’m around if you need anything” puts the onus of action onto the grieving party, who’s already struggling emotionally and may not have the energy to reach out. Instead, be proactive and spend that energy so they don’t have to.

He suggested: “I’d like to bring you dinner on Tuesday evening” or “I’m going to the grocery store and would like to bring you food. What can I get you?” The goal is to be helpful and offer comfort during a difficult time.

What Not to Say

Don’t make it about you. Avoid referring to your own experiences with the death of a loved one, Ms. Masini wrote, adding that those references can be saved for a future conversation.

“For now, comparing the loss of your beloved pet to the loss of your uncle’s brother diminishes the death at hand,” she wrote. Similarly, don’t try to empathize so much with your friend that they wind up feeling like they have to console you.

Avoid clichés, and do not use expressions such as “It happened for the best” or “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”

If you are stumped about what to write or say, look for inspiration in sympathy cards or search online for sample condolence messages.

Just Being There Matters

Linda Fite of Kerhonkson, N.Y., emphasized the importance of reaching out. Don’t avoid sending a note because you are unsure of what to write, she said in a Facebook posting.

“Honestly, when my mother died, I was so touched and lifted up by ANY and all the expressions of sympathy,” she wrote.

Ms. Collins, who had a son die of AIDS at 31 and whose daughter died of breast cancer at 42, emphasized the importance of reaching out.

“It is often difficult to know what to do in situations like this, and everyone feels a bit unnerved and intimidated,” she wrote.

She said she was “deeply comforted” by cards, phone calls and visits, adding: “As supporters we always think, ‘I don’t want to bother them now.’ The truth is that grieving people need bothering so they don’t spend all their time grieving.”

Complete Article HERE!

5 Things The Death Of My Best Friend Taught Me About Life

By Megan Harris

[O]n July 6, 2015, I awoke to a phone call alerting me that my best friend of 17 years had been killed.  

The details were spotty: there had been a boating accident roughly 36 hours prior on a lake in North Carolina. Jenna had been killed along with her uncle. Her cousin and boyfriend, also on the boat, were in the hospital.

As I tried to make sense of what happened, I felt as though I was having an out-of-body experience. The entire time I sat in a comatose state of disbelief, my eyes glued to a text message she had sent me less than four hours before the accident. My brain refused to believe that someone I had just spoken to could be gone. I called her phone over and over again, hoping she would answer and explain that the whole thing had been an elaborate misunderstanding; but every time her voicemail picked up, the automated response alerted me that the mailbox was full.

The weeks that followed were a blur. Planning her funeral, comforting her grieving family and friends, packing up her house, all of the terrible side effects of tragedy compounded by the fact that she was four months shy of her 30th birthday.

And just like that, I entered into a completely new chapter: Life After Death.

Here’s what I’ve learned.

Every cliché you’ve ever heard is true

Life is precious. Everyday is a gift. Live each day like your last. Before losing my best friend, phrases like this seemed reduced to posters hanging on the walls of a guidance counselor’s office or accompanying a wistful Instagram post of a woman staring off into the sunset. Now, they read like totems from people who walked a similar path before me.

Losing someone, especially so suddenly, is a sobering reminder that the time we have on this planet really is so finite. All of the time we spend frustrated sitting in traffic, obsessing over how we look or what we’ll wear, arguing with a partner over who should unload the dishwasher, things that take up so much real estate in our minds cease to be important the moment our life is over. With that new knowledge, knowing that today could be our last, do we really want to spend it pissed off?

Now, I chose to live by a new rule: Life is short, order dessert.

You are stronger than you think

If you would have asked me a few years ago what my thoughts on death were, you would have been met with stunning anxiety. I spent so much of my time thinking about what I would do if I were to experience loss. I obsessed over how I would feel if I were to lose a loved one. I comforted grieving friends with praise, proclaiming them to be so strong, so resilient — all the while imagining myself in the same situation with different results. Surely I would be a withering mess, I told myself. I’d probably never stop crying or be able to smile again.

Then, one day, I was walking in their shoes and, believe it or not, I was putting one foot in front of the other. Sure, it was miserable and challenging, but I was doing it. I was still here, breathing and living and moving. To borrow a line from Bob Marley, “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.” Another cliché come true.

Grief, like life, is a rollercoaster

If death teaches us anything, it’s that life is a constant of ups and downs. With every momentously tragic event, there are also incredible highs: birthdays, anniversaries, first love, first heartbreak, job promotions and layoffs. All of the ebbs and flows of life play out similar to the phases of grief.

Some days there are intense lows where the very act of getting out of bed seems impossible. Other days there are glimpses of happiness found in revisiting a memory or the first time you laugh, really laugh, after believing you may never feel joy again. The amount of time we spend on this rollercoaster differs for everyone; for some, we never disembark. But, as we grow to learn in time, the peaks and valleys become less severe and we are able to anticipate when the next heart-stopping plunge is around the corner.

Your pain can be used to help others

I am always so amazed by people who are able to turn their tragedy into triumph. We see stories everyday of profound individuals who have been to the edge and come back better, stronger, believing their divine purpose is to use their suffering to help others. I am not one of those people. I did not open a charity or become a motivational speaker.

For a long time, all I did was cry and move about my days in a zombie-like trance. Then, one day, an acquaintance of mine posted on Facebook about losing their friend in a freak accident. Immediately, I felt compelled to reach out to them to offer my condolences and share resources (books, a local therapist). I hoped I could provide them with some comfort, albeit minimal. I didn’t run a 5k or raise money, but the very act of letting someone know they weren’t alone made me feel as though I could make a difference, however small.

You’ll never be the same — but you will be okay

While you never fully “get over” loss, in time, you do learn how to live with it. For me, grief feels like living with an injury that never quite properly healed. Your body learns to adapt and rebuild and, over time, scar tissue covers the spot where the injury occurred.

You learn to live with this “new normal.” A giant, ugly scar that reminds you of the beautiful person you once knew. Sometimes it hurts and other times it just hurts to look at; but it’s always there — even if years later others can’t see it or even remember you have it. Life does go on after tragedy. It doesn’t go back to the way it was, but it does move forward. You keep moving forward — and that’s okay.

Complete Article HERE!

Learning how to handle grief in college harder than expected

Grieving for my brother was much harder away from home, but getting help and hearing other students with similar experiences helped me to become a more independent person.

By Laura Townsend

[B]y the time I got to college freshman year, I thought I had learned how to handle my grief. It had been three years since a car accident took the life of my adored big brother. For three years, I had been learning how to navigate a world in which he no longer existed. I was in constant pain, but I thought I had my grief under control.

A few months into my freshman year, I suffered a breakdown. Grieving for my brother in college was nothing like it was in high school. For the first time, I was forced to miss my brother entirely by myself. At home, my friends and family were grieving alongside me. I had been leaning on them so heavily that when they were no longer there to hold me up, I collapsed.

College is a difficult transition for everyone. We are forced to adjust to a new way of living while balancing coursework and a social life. In college, we learn who we are separately from those who raised us. Everything around us feels new, and yet our old problems still remain. They linger until we are forced to confront them.

As college stresses continued to build, I suppressed my feelings of grief and homesickness. A breakdown was inevitable.

The beginning of the breakdown occurred in the middle of one of my classes, when the professor played a disturbing video of a car accident. The video triggered memories I had been suppressing for months. I ran out of class crying.

After the incident in the classroom, I could no longer contain my grief. I began having panic attacks on a nearly daily basis. I missed classes and fought with friends.

After a particularly severe panic attack, I decided I needed help; I scheduled an appointment with University Counseling Service. At my first appointment, my therapist (a peppy graduate student) informed me that significant portions of the service’s clientele are grieving students. She hit me with a cliché: “You are not alone,” which I actually really needed to hear.

Grieving in college can feel isolating. At home, there were pictures of my brother on every wall of the house. My parents were always talking about him. Even my friends would recall stories from time to time. At college, nobody knew who he was. New friends did not want to discuss deeply personal matters right away. I did not want to be a burden to them.

What I failed to realize freshman year, however, was that many of my friends were dealing with their own grief at the same time. Many of them were struggling as much as I was.

Grief is an all-consuming feeling that never goes away. As long as my heart is beating, I will mourn the loss of my brother. He is always on my mind. Grieving in college has been an entirely different process than grieving at home. It is never easy, but once I learned to open up and let myself feel sad when I needed to, it became manageable. Learning how to grieve in college was an essential step to learning how to be an independent person.

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