Tag: Death And Dying

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The Good Death: How Do Christians Learn to Die?

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[B]ut it also struck me that we tend to do Lent in such a way that the emphasis lands on the second half of that sobering statement, not the first. Maybe it’s an evangelical, Pietist, or Baptist thing: we’d rather know what we can do, not linger on who we are. For whatever reason, our Ash Wednesday service was full of the language of repentance, and had substantially less to say about the other pervasive theme of Lent: death.

It probably feels different if you impose ashes on the very young, the very ill, or the very old, but it’s hard to think too concretely about death when you’re face-to-face with someone in the prime of life. After the service, I had to explain to one student that “dust you are and to dust you shall return” is simply a more poetic inversion of the preceding line in the Book of Genesis:

By the sweat of your face
    you shall eat bread
until you return to the ground,
    for out of it you were taken;
you are dust,
    and to dust you shall return. (3:19)

(“Oh,” she replied, “okay. Thanks.”)

To be sure, the smudged cross on our foreheads evokes hope; it’s a partial symbol, an incomplete thought resolved by Resurrection. But even for those who live in that hope, death is inescapable.

Worse yet, dying is inescapable. We will be changed “in the twinkling of an eye” (1 Cor 15:52), but for many of us, death will not come so suddenly, or mercifully. It will be preceded by longer periods of physical pain and emotional distress, by the contemplation of severed relationships and work left unfinished, and perhaps by spiritual turmoil or emptiness. And then there’s the lingering impact on family, friends, colleagues, caregivers, medical professionals…

We can celebrate with Paul that our “being given up to death for Jesus’ sake” makes the life of Jesus “visible in our mortal flesh” (2 Cor 4:11). But mortality can be hard to face.

(If I sound a different tone than usual in this post, it’s because I can’t write about this topic without thinking of loved ones: two friends who died not long ago, one after a months-long battle with cancer and the other after spending several days in an intensive care ward, incapacitated by a stroke; and my grandfather, whose body is giving out at a rate that makes it unlikely that he’ll see his ninety-fifth birthday.)

Fortunately,Christian tradition is full of wise reflection on what it means to die — and even, how do it well.

In fact, I’m treading familiar ground for longtime readers of this blog.  In May 2013, David and then-Bench-er (now university provost) Miles Mullin took turns reflecting on Christian understandings of “the good death.” Miles shared resources from authors ranging from Gregory the Great and John Donne to contemporary journalist Rob Moll. David reflected on a class visit to a monastery inhabited by casket-building Trappist monks.

But like him, I’d particularly recommend the revelatory first chapter of This Republic of Suffering, by Civil War historian and Harvard president Drew Gilpin Faust. (Or look for the associated episode of PBS’ American Experience series.) Of a conflict that took three-quarters of a million lives (recently revised upwards from the bad-enough-as-it-is number of 618,222), Faust observes that

Civil War soldiers had many opportunities to die and a variety of ways in which to do so…. As men became soldiers and contemplated battle, they confronted the very real possibility of death. They needed to be both willing and ready to die, and as they departed for war, they turned to the resources of their culture, codes of masculinity, patriotism, and religion to prepare themselves for what lay ahead. This was the initial work of death.

(One more example: a year ago John shared the story of the Gaillard family, Confederates for whom “death and Christian faith were inseparable if sometimes awkward companions.”)

Like David, “I don’t want to over-romanticize premodern death,” nor “trade [modern death] for a nineteenth-century ‘good death.’” But Faust is no doubt correct that “Civil War soldiers were, in fact, better prepared to die than to kill, for they lived in a culture that offered many lessons in how life should end.” For example, Americans on both sides of the conflict read The Rule and Exercise of Holy Dying (1651), by the Anglican divine Jeremy Taylor: “His revision of the originally Catholic ars moriendi [art of dying] proved not just a literary achievement but an intellectual triumph that firmly established the genre within Protestantism.”

For Taylor, dying well was a lifelong activity. “In the church of Rome,” he scoffed, “they reckon otherwise concerning sick and dying Christians than I have done. For they make profession, that from death to life, from sin to grace, a man may very certainly be changed, though the operation begin not before his last hour….” Instead, Taylor spends nearly sixty pages advising a “General Preparation towards a holy and blessed death” before actually getting to dying itself. And this was all a sequel to his Rules and Exercises of Holy Living.

Today there is little about secular or Christian culture in this country that encourages reflection on anything like the ars moriendi. The art of dying couldn’t seem more foreign. “Once an intimate family affair,” Miles observed, “death and dying are now outsourced in America.” And Faust admitted that her readers might feel that Civil War soldiers “often seem to have been trying too hard as they sought to present evidence of a dead comrade’s ease at dying or readiness for salvation.”

Yet these soldiers’ “Victorian and Christian culture offered them the resources with which to salve [their] deep spiritual wounds.” And that’s true of Christians living through earlier chapters in the story of the church. So instead of giving up chocolate or Facebook this Lent, perhaps we postmoderns should devote ourselves to a different discipline, and spend time studying a couple of these older reflections on how Christians face death and dying.

Complete Article HERE!

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A Man’s Primer on Funeral Etiquette

“How we treat the dead says an awful lot about how we live. For the strong and able to serve the helpless dead, to honor frail remains, reaches deep inside us to something basic to humanity.” -Paul Gregory Alms

By Brett & Kate McKay

Funeral etiquette. Unless you’re preparing to attend a funeral, it’s a subject that almost never crosses your mind. As a younger person, funerals tend to be few and far between. It’s possible to make it into your 20s without ever attending one. The sporadic nature of funerals, and the general absence of discussion of the subject in our culture, makes it hard to learn what’s expected in terms of proper behavior. You just muddle through each funeral, hoping you’re doing the right thing, and then muddle through it again the next time.

But being a gentleman of tact, respect, and sensitivity is never more important than at the occasion of someone’s death. Instead of adding distractions and stress to the already grievously burdened, be a source of great comfort. People are at their most fragile, and your job as a man of honor is to be supportive and dignified.

Condolence Visits

If you are a family member or close friend of the family of the deceased, pay a visit to their home to express your sympathy and offer your help.

Before a wake, bring over a platter of cold cuts and rolls; the family will be hungry afterwards and not want to cook. Or bring over some pastries that they can eat on the morning of the funeral. You can also offer to watch the kiddos while they run some errands. It seems like the women folk often take on these responsibilities, but there’s no reason that the modern man can’t also lend a hand.

During your visits, it’s appropriate to offer your sympathy and share your fond memories of the deceased. There’s no need to stay too long; if it seems that you’re actually getting in the way, then drop off what you brought, chat for a few minutes and leave. Of course, if they’re alone and clearly need a listening ear, then stay longer.

If you don’t feel close enough to the deceased’s family to come to their home, wait until the wake to offer your personal condolences.

Flowers

Sending flowers is a traditional way to express your condolences. You can send flowers to the funeral home, to the church, or to the deceased’s family’s home. The card attached to the flowers should read, “With Deepest Sympathy” along with your name. If you’re sending them to the church itself for use in the service, include “For the funeral of ____” on the address. Some families ask for donations in lieu of flowers, and you should honor this request.

When it comes to sending flowers and different faith traditions, there are some considerations to be aware of:

  • Some Protestant churches use only one flower arrangement-offered by the family-in the service.
  • Do not send flowers to an Orthodox Jewish service. The policy amongst Reform and Conservative Jews varies.
  • For a Catholic family, consider getting the family a mass card in lieu of flowers. You don’t have to be Catholic to get a mass card. You make a donation to the Church, and in turn, the Church promises to say prayers or a mass on behalf of the soul of the deceased. The mass card says when the mass will take place, and you can give the card to the deceased family. For fellow Catholics, purchasing a mass card is a gesture of faith, compassion, and solidarity. For non-Catholics, sending a mass card shows your understanding, respect, and thoughtfulness.

The Wake

A wake takes place before the actual funeral service and is usually held in the evening. If you cannot make it to the funeral, it is a good opportunity to come and support the deceased’s family. The wake may be held in someone’s home or at the funeral parlor. When you arrive, first offer your sympathy to the grieving family. This is the reason for the wake, really. It gives the family an opportunity to hear from family and loved ones when they’re prepared to deal with it and in the grieving mindset. They get it all over in a night instead of having people offering their condolences at work, at the gym, and at the grocery store-over and over, in places where they’d rather not have the emotion come rushing back and hit them like a ton of bricks.

Unless you’re close to the family, be sure to clearly introduce yourself to them and tell them how you know the deceased. Don’t leave them awkwardly trying to place who you are.

Don’t worry about not knowing what to say or being emotional. Neither eloquence nor stoicism is expected.

If the casket is present, take a moment to stand by it, saying a prayer or thinking of the deceased’s life. Then you may mingle with the other guests. You don’t have to stay too long-just long enough to make your presence felt and pay your respects. Be sure to sign the register with your name and address before you head out, as the family may wish to look it over later and/or send you a note of thanks.

The Funeral

Should You Come?

Unless the death notice that appears in the paper says that the funeral is private, or you hear that it is such, any of the deceased’s acquaintances, friends, co-workers, and family can attend the funeral.

If you’re the divorced husband of the deceased, you should almost always come. The same for the passing of an ex-girlfriend with whom you had a long or meaningful relationship. Unless the acrimony between you and your former love (or her family) approaches the level of the Hatfields and McCoys, and your presence would cause them further grief, or you hear specifically from the family that you are not welcome, attending the funeral is entirely appropriate. In times of grief, old differences are forgotten and all that matters is that you were once an important person in the deceased’s life. Be warm and supportive and don’t bring up any bad blood.

“Always go to the funeral” is an excellent motto for a man to adopt. Yes, going to funerals isn’t fun. They can be boring, somber, inconvenient and emotional affairs. You may feel awkward. But fun is the yardstick that boys use to make decisions. When you become a man, you do things because they’re right and good, and because your desire to serve others supersedes your own comfort.

It may be tempting to rationalize that the person is dead and won’t know if you’re there or not. But funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living. One of the few comforts available to the grieving is to see a full church, the pews packed with people who also care for and remember the deceased. There is power in that show of humanity. The family knows that attending a funeral is inconvenient, and that’s why they’ll never forget that you came anyway.

If you absolutely cannot come to the funeral, be sure to write the family of the deceased a sympathy note which includes your regret on not being able to make it.

Where to Sit

There’s kind of a progressive seating pattern with funerals; family sits in the first pews, followed by close friends, with acquaintances and co-workers farther back.

Dress Code

When we think of funerals, the first image that often leaps to mind is that of people dressed in black. While black is still the traditional color for funerals, this standard has loosened up in modern times to include other dark, conservative clothing. Still, the best way to go is donning a black suit, white shirt, conservative tie, and well-shined black shoes.

I know there are contingents of men who generally don’t see the point in dressing up and believe that real men dress however they want. But this is one time where no matter how rebellious you fancy yourself, you need to sack up and put on your best duds. Death is life’s most solemn occasion, and the inability to put aside comfort and personal preference to show your utmost respect for the end of a life is inexcusable.

Being a Pallbearer

Being a pallbearer is a traditionally male job. The family will typically choose six men to attend the casket (sometimes “honorary pallbearers” -who have a strictly symbolic role-are also chosen). The invitation to be a pallbearer is a great honor and one you cannot refuse except for the most serious of reasons. It’s like the somber flip side of being asked to be a groomsmen.

The job of the pallbearer was once a functional one; they were charged with carrying the coffin from the church to the cemetery. Now the role is almost entirely symbolic. The casket is typically set on a rolling cart, and you just put your hand on it as it rolls, only lifting it up when it is time to load and unload it from the hearse.

If you are chosen to be a pallbearer, come to funeral about 30 minutes early and find the funeral director. He or she will gives you instructions on what will be expected of you-where to gather, when to come into the church, and in which row to sit.

You should be dressed well at a funeral anyway, but if you are asked to be a pallbearer, make an extra effort to look presentable and respectful.

Perhaps the most famous historical pallbearer story involves Southern Civil War General Joseph E. Johnston. Johnston had surrendered to General Sherman at the end of the war and had been so impressed with that man’s magnanimity that he would not allow an unkind thing to be said about his former enemy for the rest of his life. When Sherman died, Johnston was asked to be a pallbearer in the General’s funeral. As is common for a public figure, Sherman’s funeral procession proceeded through the streets of New York City. Johnston walked alongside the casket with his hat in his hand. The freezing temperatures and rain caused fellow mourners to advise Johnston to return his hat to his head. Johnston replied, “If I were in his place and he standing here in mine, he would not put on his hat.” He soon came down with pneumonia and died several week’s later.

Be sure to check out this excellent article on the symbolic importance of being a pallbearer.

Additional Considerations

It should go without saying, but for the love of TR, turn off your cell phone during the funeral. Don’t be texting and checking your Blackberry during the service. This is the very last time this person will ask for your undivided attention. Also, having your Lil Wayne ringtone go off during the eulogy will brand you a cad for life.

Be civil, don’t come in late, don’t leave early. If you come with kids, and they cause a fuss, take em’ outside.

Driving in the Funeral Procession

Funeral processions are one of the few remaining outward signs of death in this society.

After the funeral, everyone will get in their cars and proceed as a group to the cemetery. The cars will follow behind the hearse. Turn on your headlights and emergency blinkers and closely follow the car in front of you. The procession will drive slower than the speed limit. If the procession starts through a light while it’s green and it turns red by the time you get to it, keep on going. State laws allow funeral processions to drive through red lights and stop signs.

As a normal driver, when you come upon a funeral procession, do your best to let them pass and stay together. Don’t try to cut into the procession. If safe, pull to the side of the road and let the line keep going. In the old days, men got out of their cars and doffed their hats while the procession passed. Probably too dangerous on our modern thoroughfares, but a nice thought.

Post Funeral Luncheon

Many families host a luncheon at their home after the graveside service. It’s a time to be a little more light hearted than is expected at the wake or funeral and share a laugh as you reminisce about the deceased.

Follow-Up

Perhaps the most important part of “funeral etiquette” is not to let your consideration for those in mourning be a one day affair. After all the hoopla of funeral planning is over, the grief and reality of the loss of a loved one will really set in for the family and friends of the deceased.

So don’t forget about them in the weeks and months after the funeral. Stop by and give them a call. Invite them out for social gatherings. They may say no for some time, but they’ll eventually reach the point where they’re ready to go back out, and they’ll be grateful that you kept thinking of them.

Call your friend or family member on the anniversary of their loved one’s death. They’ll appreciate that you still remember and continue to acknowledge their passing.

Complete Article HERE!

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The Difference Between Grief and Depression

Coping with grief can be overwhelming. Expressing your feelings, both negative and positive, is important.

By Elysia Tucker, LPC, ADC

[A]ll people experiences loss at one time or another in their lives. Grief is a natural process arising from the loss of someone or something important to you. While it is normal to experience grief, it is important to know the difference between grief and major depressive disorder, and when to seek help with either.

Grief has several symptoms in common with major depressive disorder, including intense sadness, insomnia, poor appetite, weight loss, difficulty concentrating, anger, loneliness, and isolation. With grief, symptoms usually decrease over time, as the person accepts the loss and reinvests in life again. Complicated grief means that the process is taking longer than normal, or that the person grieving is engaging in self-destructive behaviors. This can lead to major depressive disorder.

Warning signs of major depressive disorder include:

  • Feelings of guilt not related to a loved one’s death
  • Thoughts of suicide—although in grief there can be thoughts of “joining” the deceased
  • Intense feelings of worthlessness
  • Sluggishness or hesitant and confused speech
  • Prolonged and marked difficulty in carrying out the activities of day-to-day living
  • Hallucinations and delusions

These symptoms indicate a real need for therapeutic intervention. Major depressive disorder can be dangerous if left untreated, and can rob you of the joy of life.

Although grief is painful, the process of working through your feelings is important. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and each journey is unique to each person. Be sure to have a trusted friend, family member, member of the clergy, or counselor to talk to.

If you think you are experiencing complicated grief or major depressive disorder, it is vital to receive caring help from a professional.

Complete Article HERE!

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The euthanasia debate is polarised, yet shared concerns unite all sides

People with opposing views on legalising the right to die agree palliative care is inadequate. We need to build on this common ground

Research funded by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation found that people were united in compassion for those with terminal illnesses.

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[B]rigit Forsyth, the actor best know as Thelma in Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads? is currently playing a terminally ill musician on stage. Her character in Killing Time says she’s a “prime candidate for a one-way trip to Switzerland”. Forsyth has disclosed that her GP grandfather helped dying patients end their lives and that she is in favour of euthanasia. Her comments are the latest in a long line of opinions on legalised assisted dying reported in the press, which has a habit of oversimplifying the complex arguments for and against. And this seems to be damaging our ability to hold meaningful public debate on the subject.

With this in mind, a study funded by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation sought the views of people with strongly opposed opinions on the matter. Participants in both groups included people with palliative care backgrounds, older and disabled people, those from organisations concerned with care and support and individuals from academic, social work and policy backgrounds.

What emerged is a surprising amount of common ground. People with apparently polarised views on legalising the right to die often shared areas of interest and concern. It is these areas that should form the basis for further public discussion, argues the report, Assisted Dying: Developing the Debate, which is published on Wednesday by the Shaping Our Lives network of user-led groups, service users and disabled people.

Shared concerns included clear agreement that palliative care for terminally ill people is inadequate. Whether for or against assisted dying, participants showed a willingness to discuss quality of life for terminally ill people, the value placed on good-quality care, and how to invest in and provide access to this care in the face of economic inequality.

Participants recognised that the debate on legalising assisted dying was taking place in an unequal society: we often place lower social value on older, sick, and disabled people. The research identified a willingness to discuss prevailing societal values, including the concept of “being a burden” on society; the value society placed on social care and support work; and our social attitudes towards death and dying. “How should assisted dying be funded?”, “Where should it be performed?”, and “What methods and means of self-administering a fatal dose should be used?”, were just some of the common questions raised.

Despite disagreement about the extent to which detailed processes and safeguards should be included in assisted dying legislation, participants from across the spectrum of opinion generally agreed that the “how” questions were not being discussed in enough depth.

Areas of shared understanding also emerged when respondents discussed ethical and existential ideas around death and dying, including the psychological aspects of pain and suffering, both for individuals and their loved ones. “All participants had a wish to find the best way forward with compassion for people who are terminally ill, regardless of being for or against legalising assisted dying,” the report concludes.

The study shows that the issues are far more complex than much of the public debate has so far allowed. Death and dying is a core issue for human beings, and public debate must reflect this. It is time to embrace the personal, social, policy and ethical issues that participants have highlighted.

Back in the theatre, Forsyth’s dying musician is visited by a young carer (Zoe Mills) who feels it is her duty to help put older people out of their misery. According to the reviews, she comes to realise that life and death is more nuanced.

Complete Article HERE!

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Mysterious ‘crouched’ burials in remote Siberia hint to the practice of ritualistic sacrifices

Fours individuals had been buried at a medieval site in a crouched position.

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Many questions about the burials remain unanswered

During the excavation of a medieval archaeological site in a remote region of Siberia, archaeologists claim to have found the remains of four individuals buried in a crouched position. Such a strange burial had never been seen before in the region, and potentially denotes the practice of ritualistic sacrifices.

The discovery, reported by the Siberian Times, was made at the Yur-Yakha III site, which dates back to the 11th century and is located in the Yamal region in Northwestern Siberia. An analysis of the skeletal remains has indicated that three women and one man had been buried there.

Two of the women appeared to have been in their late teens or early twenties when they died. The man was thought to have been older, in his forties or fifties. All bear signs of having suffered from diseases.

“It’s hard to name all of their conditions, but for example we have found evidence for shoulder dislocation, teeth anomalies, sinusitis, post-partum trauma of the sacrum…”, lead archaeologist Andrei Plekhanov explained.

“It’s hard to say if this was normal for the period. The medical expert Evgenia Svyatova, who examined the skeletons said that the disorders were quite typical for that time, yet for four burials, it is a very large number of diseases”.

All appeared to be malnourished, an unsurprising discovery considering the harsh conditions they would have lived in.

Fire and mysterious rites

But despite having collected these important information, the team remains puzzled by the mysterious burials. They have yet to find convincing evidence to determine why the deceased had been laid to rest crouching.

The male remains suggest his body had been partially burnt after death

And the mystery deepened as the researchers conducted more investigations at the site. Their analyses have shown that the man’s body was set on fire after death – another ritual that was never documented previously in the medieval necropolises of the region.

“We can be sure that he did not die in the fire. His dead body was set on fire but not a very strong one. His bones remained almost intact, the fire damaged mostly soft tissues. At the moment, we do not know why they were buried this way, nor the significance of this,” Plekhanov, who works with the Arctic Research Centre of the Yamalo-Nenets autonomous region, said.

The team has hypothesised that the unique nature of these burials point to ritualistic sacrifices but it is also possible that these were just funerary rites specific to a particular local cultural group and that they simply had not been identified before.

Many artefacts, such as this one used to remove snow were found buried with the deceased

More excavation work is now scheduled to take place to learn more about the burials. The archaeologists will also focus on analysing the many objects that were recovered with the remains.

One of the women was buried with bronze bracelet bearing the image of a bear as well as a knife with a bronze handle, a tanning scraper, bronze and silver pendants, a ring and a ‘yangach’ – an object for removing snow from clothes. Fragments of pottery were also recovered. All these artefacts, recovered from the deceased in their afterlife, could provide new clues about the burial rituals of the region, in the Middle Ages.

Complete Article HERE!

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When a Partner Dies, Grieving the Loss of Sex

By JANE E. BRODY

[A]fter Alice Radosh’s husband of 40 years died in 2013, she received, in addition to the usual condolences, countless offers of help with matters like finances, her car and household repairs. But no one, not even close friends or grief counselors, dared to discuss a nagging need that plagues many older women and men who outlive their sexual partners.

Dr. Radosh, 75 and a neuropsychologist by training, calls it “sexual bereavement,” which she defines as grief associated with losing sexual intimacy with a long-term partner. The result, she and her co-author Linda Simkin wrote in a recently published report, is “disenfranchised grief, a grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned and publicly shared.”

“It’s a grief that no one talks about,” Dr. Radosh, a resident of Lake Hill, N.Y., said in an interview. “But if you can’t get past it, it can have negative effects on your physical and emotional health, and you won’t be prepared for the next relationship,” should an opportunity for one come along.

Yes, dear readers of all ages and the children of aging parents, many people in their golden years still have sexual urges and desires for intimacy that go unfulfilled when a partner becomes seriously ill or dies.

“Studies have shown that people are still having and enjoying sex in their 60s, 70s and 80s,” Dr. Radosh said. “They consider their sexual relationship to be an extremely important part of their lives. But when one partner dies, it’s over.”

In a study of a representative national sample of 3,005 older American adults, Dr. Stacy Tessler Lindau and co-authors found that 73 percent of those ages 57 to 64, 53 percent of those 65 to 74 and 26 percent of those 75 to 85 were still sexually active.

Yet a report published by the United Kingdom’s Department of Health in 2013, the National Service Framework for Older People, “makes no mention of the problems related to sexual issues older people may face,” Dr. Radosh and Ms. Simkin wrote in the journal Reproductive Health Matters. “Researchers have even suggested that some health care professionals might share the prejudice that sex in older people is ‘disgusting’ or ‘simply funny’ and therefore avoid discussing sexuality with their older patients.”

Dr. Radosh and Ms. Simkin undertook “an exploratory survey of currently married women” that they hope will stimulate further study of sexual bereavement and, more important, reduce the reluctance of both lay people and health professionals to speak openly about this emotionally and physically challenging source of grief.

As one therapist who read their journal article wrote, “Two of my clients have been recently widowed and felt that they were very unusual in ‘missing sex at my age.’ I will use your article as a reference for these women.”

Another wrote: “It got me thinking of ALL the sexual bereavement there is, through being single, through divorce, through disinterest and through what I am experiencing, through prostatectomy. It is not talked about.”

Prior research has “documented that physicians/counselors are generally uncomfortable discussing sex with older women and men,” the researchers noted. “As a result, such discussions either never happen or happen awkwardly.” Even best-selling memoirs about the death of a spouse, like Joan Didion’s “The Year of Magical Thinking,” fail to discuss the loss of sexual intimacy, Dr. Radosh said.

Rather than studying widows, she and Ms. Simkin chose to question a sampling of 104 currently partnered women age 55 and older, lest their research add to the distress of bereaved women by raising a “double taboo of death and sex.”

They cited a sarcastic posting from a woman who said she was not a good widow because “a good widow does not crave sex. She certainly doesn’t talk about it…. Apparently, I stink at being a good widow.”

The majority of survey participants said they were currently sexually active, with 86 percent stating that they “enjoyed sex,” the researchers reported. Nearly three in four of the women thought they would miss sex if their partner died, and many said they would want to talk about sex with friends after the death. However, “76 percent said they would want friends to initiate that discussion with them,” rather than bringing it up themselves.

Yet, the researchers found, “even women who said they were comfortable talking about sex reported that it would not occur to them to initiate a discussion about sex if a friend’s partner died.” The older the widowed person, the less likely a friend would be willing to raise the subject of sex. While half of respondents thought they would bring it up with a widowed friend age 40 to 49, only 26 percent would think to discuss it with someone 70 to 79 and only 14 percent if the friend was 80 or older.

But even among young widows, the topic is usually not addressed, said Carole Brody Fleet of Lake Forest, Calif., the author of “Happily Even After” who was widowed at age 40. In an interview she said, “No one brought up my sexuality.” Ms. Fleet, who conducts workshops for widowed people, is forthright in bringing up sex with attendees, some of whom may think they are “terrible people” for even considering it.

She cited “one prevailing emotion: Guilt. Widows don’t discuss the loss of sexual intimacy with friends or mental health professionals because they feel like they’re cheating. They think, ‘How can I feel that?’ But you’re not cheating or casting aspersions on your love for the partner who died.

“You can honor your past, treasure it, but you do not have to live in your past. It’s not an either-or situation. You can incorporate your previous life into the life you’re moving into. People have an endless capacity to love.”

However, Ms. Fleet, who remarried nine years after her husband died, cautioned against acting precipitously when grieving the loss of sexual intimacy. “When you’re missing physical connection with another person, you can make decisions that are not always in your best interest,” she said. “Sex can cloud one’s judgment. Maybe you’re just missing that. It helps to take sex out of the equation and reassess the relationship before becoming sexually intimate.”

Dr. Radosh urges the widowed to bring up grief over the loss of sexual intimacy with a therapist or in a bereavement group. She said, “Even if done awkwardly, make it part of the conversation. Let close friends know this is something you want to talk about. There is a need to normalize this topic.”

Complete Article HERE!

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What got me through the grief: The best advice from one widow to another

By Jan Robinson

[W]hen I wrote my first book Tips from Widows, I gathered advice verbally from 29 women who had lost their husbands. When I wrote my second, Tips from Widowers, I found that the 15 men felt more comfortable writing their feelings down for me, rather than speaking them aloud. 

Widows and widowers, I discovered, do heal differently – and now a report backs this up. According to Independent Age, which surveyed more than 2,000 bereaved people aged over 65 from the UK, women are more likely to open up about their loss – but they also suffer greater feelings of loneliness.

More than half of women said speaking to friends helped them deal with grief, compared to a third of men. Indeed, 32 per cent of men did not turn to anyone for support after the death of a family member, compared to 18 per cent of women.

Following her husband’s death in 2015, Sheryl Sandberg said that she was a member of a widows club that ‘no one wants to join’

Yet, 30 per cent of women found loneliness the hardest thing to cope with, compared to 17 per cent of men. The report found that feelings of loneliness lasted, on average, for eight months but that a fifth of those bereaved still felt lonely after three years.

In my experience of speaking to widows, the problem for many is that their social life diminishes and, for some, stops altogether. Added to which, those widows who prioritised family over career can struggle with the financial implications and responsibilities left for them to sort out. Their status as a widow can sap their confidence and many never have another romantic relationship.

So for any woman (or man), young or older, currently suffering after – or preparing for the death of a loved one, here are some tips from real-life widows to help with the grieving process.

  1. It is absolutely essential to do one of the following two things if you know your partner is very ill. Set up a joint account and make sure that all Direct Debit payments for your family and household go through this (and not through a sole account in their name). Set aside a sum that you know will be sufficient to carry you through the worse-case probate scenario.
  2. Only if it is what you both wish, get married or become civil partners. Do so at once or at least make the appropriate pension nomination if that is what you both want.
  3. Encourage each other to talk about these matters well before either person has become too ill.
  4. In the very early days, the telephone will ring constantly. The emotional strain of answering every call will often be too great. It is a good idea to switch on your answerphone whenever you feel like it, or alternatively, to get a friend or adult child to answer on your behalf.
  5. Do involve your children in all the arrangements and decisions with regard to the funeral arrangements for their father; also, take your time, if you follow a religion that allows that.
  6. Do encourage grandchildren to go to the funeral or cremation. In the case of very young children, it is for the parents to decide whether they should attend.
  7. Don’t try to be too brave.
  8. Allow yourself to BE and not DO all the time.
  9. You will inevitably do some foolish things.
  10. Smile – it will make yourself look and feel better.
  11. Be a really good friend.
  12. Don’t be surprised to find yourself crying, even after many years.
  13. If you are still angry see your doctor . Listening to your anger is not much fun for your family or your friends.
  14. Recognise that fear and anxiety slows healing see your doctor.
  15. You are alive and your departed husband would wish you to embrace your remaining years.
  16. Be very careful when using internet dating. Both widows and widowers are more vulnerable.
  17. If as a widow, you do meet a lovely man, remember you can have intimacy with no sex [and sex with no intimacy!]
  18. You might be alone – but you have your precious self.

 
Complete Article HERE!