How to Overcome the Fear of Death, Part 3

Reflecting On Life

1

Consider how life and death are part of the same cycle. Recognize that your own life and death, as well as the lives of other creatures, are all parts of the same cycle or life-process. Life and death, rather than being two completely different events, are actually always occurring at the same time. The cells in our bodies, for example, are continuously dying and regenerating in different ways throughout an individual lifetime. This helps our bodies adapt and grow within the world around us.[16]

2

Think about how your body is part of a complex ecosystem. Our bodies serve as fertile ecosystems for countless different life forms, especially after our own lives come to an end.[17] While we are alive, our gastrointestinal system is home to millions of micro-organisms. These all help our bodies stay healthy enough to support proper immune functioning, and, in certain ways, even complex cognitive processing.[18]

3

Know the role your body plays in the grand scheme of things. On a much larger, macro level, our lives fit together in unique ways to form societies and local communities which depend upon our bodies’ energy and actions in order to sustain some degree of organization.[19]

  • Your own life is composed of the same mechanisms and materials as other lives around you. Understanding this point can help you become more comfortable with the thought of a world without your particular self still being around. [20]

4

Spend time in nature. Go on meditative walks in nature. Or, you can simply spend more time outside around many different life forms. These activities can be great ways to become more comfortable with the realization that you’re a part of a larger world. [21]

5

Consider the afterlife. Try thinking that after you die you will go somewhere happy. Many religions believe in this. If you ascribe to a particular religion, you may find comfort in considering what your religion believes about the afterlife.

Look for Part 1 HERE!
Look for Part 2 HERE!

How to Overcome the Fear of Death, Part 2

Letting Go of What You Can’t Control

 

1

Focus on what you can control. Death can be an especially frightening thing to think about, primarily because it exposes the limits of life and what we are able to conceive. Learn to focus on what you can actually control while still engaging with what you cannot.

  • For example, you may be worried about dying from a heart attack. There are certain factors that you can’t control about heart disease, such as family history, race and ethnicity, and age. You will make yourself more anxious by focusing on these things. Instead, it’s far healthier to focus on the things you can control, like quitting smoking, exercising regularly, and eating well. In fact, you are at higher risk for heart disease when you have an unhealthy lifestyle than just by the uncontrollable factors alone.[8]

2

Guide your life. When we want to control the direction of our lives, we are often met with disappointment, frustration and anxiety about things that don’t go as planned. Learn to loosen your grip on how tightly you control the outcomes of your life. You can still make plans, of course. Guide the course of your life. But allow some room for the unexpected.[9]

  • A fitting analogy is the idea of water flowing in a river. Sometimes the river bank will change, the river will curve, and the water will slow down or speed up. The river is still flowing, but you have to let it go where it takes you.

3

Eliminate unproductive thought patterns. When you try to predict or imagine the future, you find yourself asking, “What if this happens?” This is an unproductive thought pattern known as catastrophizing.[10] An unproductive thought pattern is a way of thinking about a situation that ultimately causes you to have negative emotions. How we interpret an event will result in the emotion we feel from it. For example, if you are worried that you’re late for work, you might tell yourself, “If I’m late, I will get reprimanded by my boss and I’ll lose my job.” Having unproductive thought patterns can put you on edge if you feel like you want to control the outcome so strongly.

  • Replace unproductive thinking with positive thinking. Reason through your unproductive thought patterns. For example, say to yourself, “If I’m late, my boss might get mad. But I can explain that there was more traffic than normal. I’ll also offer to stay late after work to make up the time.”

4

Have a worry time period. Devote five minutes during the day when you will allow yourself to worry about something. Do this at the same time every day. Try not to schedule this worry period for bedtime, because you don’t want to lay in bed fretting over things. If you have a worrying thought any other time during the day, save it for your worry time period. [11]

5

Challenge your anxious thoughts. If you are struck with anxieties about death, ask yourself about the chances of dying in certain scenarios. Arm yourself with statistics about dying in a plane crash, for example. You will likely find that your worries are inflated beyond the reality of what could possibly happen. [12]

6

Think about how you’re affected by others. When other people’s worries start taking over your mind, you’ll think more about risks too. Perhaps you have a friend who is particularly negative about diseases and illnesses. This causes you to feel nervous about getting ill yourself. Limit time you spend with this person so that these thoughts don’t enter into your head so frequently. [13]

7

Try something you’ve never done before. We often avoid trying new things and putting ourselves in new situations precisely because of fears regarding what we do not yet know or cannot yet understand.[14] In order to practice letting go of control, pick an activity you’d never consider doing and commit to giving it a try. Start by doing some research on it online. Next, maybe talk to people who have participated in the activity before. As you start to become more comfortable with the idea of it, see if you can’t give it a try once or twice before making an especially long commitment to it.

  • This method of experimenting with life and new activities can be a great tool for learning how to focus on producing joy in life as opposed to worrying about death and dying.
  • As you participate in new activities, you will likely learn a lot about yourself, especially in regard to what you can and cannot control.

8

Develop an end-of-life plan with your family and friends. When it comes to death, you will likely come to realize that most of the process will be completely out of your control. There’s no way we can ever know for sure exactly when or where we can die, but we can take some steps so as to become more prepared. [15]

  • If you are in coma, for example, how long would you want to remain on life support? Do you prefer to pass in your home or remain in the hospital as long as possible?
  • It might be uncomfortable about these issues with your loved ones at first talking, but such conversations can be incredibly helpful for both you and them if an unfortunate event arises and you are unable to express your desires in the moment. Such discussions might potentially help you feel a little less anxious towards death.

Look for Part 1 HERE!

How to Overcome the Fear of Death, Part 1

[T]hanatophobia, or “fear of death,” affects millions of people worldwide. For some people, it can produce anxiety and/or obsessional thoughts. [1] While thanatophobia is the fear of death and/or one’s own mortality, a fear of dying people or dead things is known as “necrophobia,” which is different from thanatophobia. Both of these fears, however, can be similarly related to a fear of the unknown aspects related to death, known as “xenophobia.” In another sense, it is the possibility of encountering something beyond what is already known. [2] This can be especially true for people who are nearing the end of life, as uncertainties around the death process can multiply as the reality of death becomes more imminent.[3] In order to become more comfortable with the unknown end of life, you need to understand your phobia and work to overcome its hold on you.

1

Write down the times when you think about death. The first thing to determine when dealing with a fear of death is how – and how much – your fear affects your life. We are not often immediately aware of the environmental triggers or causes of our fears and anxiety. Writing about the situations in which they arise can be a helpful tool for working through these issues.[4]

  • Start by simply asking yourself, “What was going on around me when I started feeling afraid or anxious in that moment?” For a number of reasons, this can be a very difficult question to answer at first. Start with the basics. Think back over the last few days and write down as many details as you can remember about the times you thought about death. Include exactly what you were doing when the thoughts arose.
  • The fear of death is very common. Throughout human history, people have been concerned and preoccupied with the idea of death and dying. This can happen for several reasons, including your age, your religion, your level of anxiety, the experience of loss, and so on. For example, during certain transitional phases in your life, you may be more prone to having a fear of death. People may have a deeper preoccupation with death in the ages 4-6, 10-12, 17-24, and 35-55.[5] Scholars have long philosophized about the prospect of death. According to the existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, death can be a source of fear for people precisely because it is that which “comes to us from the outside and transforms us into the outside.” [6] The process of death, therefore, represents to us the most radical unknown dimension imaginable (or, in a sense, unimaginable). As Sartre points out, death has the potential to transform our living bodies back into the non-human realm from which they initially emerged.

2

Make note of when you feel anxious or afraid. Next, write down any of the times you can remember deciding not to do something because you were afraid or anxious. Write down instances even if you aren’t sure about whether or not the emotions were necessarily related in any way to death or dying.

3

Compare your anxiety with thoughts of death. After you have one list of thoughts of death and one list of anxious moments, look for commonalities between the two. For example, you might notice that every time you see a particular brand of candy you feel some degree of anxiety, but you’re not sure why. Then you realize that you think about death during these same situations. You might remember that the brand of candy in question was served at your grandparent’s funeral. Then you also began feeling some degree of fear at the thought of death in general.

  • Such connections, between objects, emotions, and situations, can be quite subtle, sometimes even more so than the scenario described above. But writing them down can be a great way to start becoming more aware of them. Then you can better influence how you manage the way you’re affected in such moments.

4

Recognize the link between anxiety and anticipation. Fear is a potent force that can potentially influence just about anything you do. If you can start to look beyond your fear, you may find that the actual event you’re dreading is not as terrible as think it is. Anxiety is usually wrapped up in anticipation about how things will or won’t go. It is an emotion that looks to the future. Keep reminding yourself that fear of death is sometimes worse than death itself. Who knows, your death may not be as unpleasant as you imagine it to be.[7]

5

Be honest with yourself. Be completely honest and fully face the fact of your own mortality. It will eat away at you until you do. Life becomes much more valuable when its temporarily is realized. You know that you will face death sometime, but you don’t have to live life in fear. When you are honest with yourself and face your fear head-on, you will be able to start deconstructing this phobia.

Complete Article HERE!

Pets grieving over loss of another pet still open to question

By Lowcountry Paws

[F]requently people will ask me following the loss of a pet if the other pets in the home grieve as the humans do. I have always responded that, yes, I think they must even though I have no proof of this. Maybe I am assuming they respond as we do, making them little people and assuming they share/experience feelings in the same way as myself (anthropomorphism).

Last fall I was glad to read a study titled ”Owners’ perceptions of their animal’s behavioral response to the loss of an animal companion,” in the Nov. 2 online, open–access journal Animals (http://jav.ma/animalgrief).

The authors noted that it has been well documented that the impact of the loss of a pet in some people is as great as the loss of a human. Many people go through the same grieving process when a pet is gone as they do upon losing a human family member. However, research documenting the impact other pets experience when a companion animal dies is not well documented.

There is some thought that grief in humans and in animals may aid in their survival. This grief may cause the remaining animals to bond more, keeping the group together, which would increase all of their chances for survival.

An example given as a possible display of animal grief is the response of farm animals following artificial weaning. For humans to obtain milk from cows or goats, the offspring are removed from the mothers at an early age and placed on a milk replacer. This allows us to remove the milk for our own consumption. The calves will attempt to reunite with their mothers and manifest behaviors such as vocalizations, altered feeding patterns, stoppage of play behaviors, increased stress hormones and increased heart rates. The difficult thing to prove is, are the animals acting this way from the grief of separation from their mothers or is it just separation from their source of food, and it is a physical not an emotional response?

To understand if pets experienced grief, the study authors compiled a questionnaire. This was distributed through 100 veterinary clinics in Australia and New Zealand to 5,500 parents who had lost a pet within the past five years and had up to two remaining animals. The study was pretty simple and asked about changes in the following seven behaviors: feeding, sleeping, vocalization, elimination, aggression, affection, and territoriality. Of the 306 surveys returned 279 were compete enough to include in the study.

In dogs following the loss of a companion, parents reported close to five behavioral changes. Changes in affectionate behavior were common with 35 percent seeking more (26 percent being clingy/needy) and 10 percent seeking less affection.

Around 30 percent of dogs were reported to seek out and spend more time at the deceased’s favorite spot. Close to 30 percent of dogs slept more. A third of dogs were reported to eat less and at a slower rate than they had before the loss. For most dogs these behavioral changes resolved in two to six months.

For cats the loss of a companion resulted in 40 percent demanding more affection (22 percent being clingy/needy) and 15 percent seeking less affection. Owners reported 36 percent of cats seeking out the deceased favorite spot. Almost half of the cats had a change in vocalization behavior with a 43 percent increase in frequency and a 32 percent increase in the volume. As for dogs these changes in cats lasted two to six months.

An interesting finding was in the small number of pets who had lost a four- legged family member of a different species (e.g. dog losing a cat). They manifested similar behavioral changes as when the loss was of the same species.

Pet parents often ask me if the remaining pets should view the deceased’s body and I have struggled with this answer. Here I know I anthropomorphize, I routinely say no as I personally want my last memory of a deceased family member to be as they were alive, but I always leave this up to the parents.

In this study 58 percent of dogs and 42 percent of cats viewed their deceased companion. There was no difference in behaviors noted between those that viewed the deceased and those that did not. So based on this information I will continue to let Mom and Dad decide.

How do we know if the humans were not assuming the emotions they were feeling also were being shared by their pets? Were the pets acting differently because their parents were and they were not really grieving at all?

The authors conclude that further study is needed to definitively determine if and how our pets grieve. Even if they do not grieve the same as I do it is hard for me not to believe they have some type of a negative “feeling” from the loss of a companion.

Complete Article HERE!

The importance of the eulogy

By REV. DAVE HOGSETT

[T]he first thing that many people read when they get their local newspaper is the obituaries. Some want to know if a friend or neighbor has died. Others are looking for information concerning the arrangements for the deceased. For some, reading the obituaries becomes existential when the deceased’s age is close to that of the reader. There are those who think it is a good day if they do not see their own names on the obituary page.

For more than a half century, William F. Buckley Jr. was the spokesperson and architect of modern American conservatism. One of his lesser known accomplishments was his mastery of the eulogy. The learned scholar Ernest van den Haag said of Buckley: “Buckley has re-elevated the art of eulogy to the high standard from which it had long ago fallen. So much so, that I am firmly resolved to leave this world before he does, for his eulogy is bound to be much better than mine.” (A Torch Kept Lit, p. 10)

James Rosen published “A Torch Kept Lit” in 2016. It is an annotated collection of 50 of Buckley’s eulogies and obituaries. Rosen’s commentary not only gives insight into Buckley, but helps to place each of the selections within the context of the world in which the person lived and moved and had their being. The categories — presidents, family, arts and letters, generals, spies, statesmen, friends, nemeses — give some indication of the range of Buckley’s interests.

In over 50 years in the ministry I have officiated at almost 450 funerals. When I was asked to conduct my first service as an assistant at the Grapevine United Methodist Church, I sought out the advice of one of the chaplains at Harris Hospital in Fort Worth, Texas. He said that I should remember that the funeral service is for the living and not the dead. The service should be seen through the perspective of pastoral care. The purpose of the service is to help those who are attending the funeral to process what the loss means and what it means to continue without the departed. Of special importance is to help the people understand the grief process.

To help people with their grieving, I have found it helpful to be able to encapsulate the life of the deceased in a single image or phrase. Usually I discover this image or phrase while talking with the family or friends. This conversation is also a part of the grieving process. Once I have the image or phrase, I look for a Scripture text that illustrates or expands upon it. Then I look for other material that provides commentary or illustrates the image or phrase. My funeral message brings together the image or phrase, the Scripture lesson and the supporting material with the purpose of helping those attending with their grief.

A final piece of a Christian funeral is to give those who attend the assurance that God is with them in their loss. This can be done by pointing out how God was with the deceased during his/her life time. There are times when the grieving need to know that God is even there when they are angry with Him. Jesus’ words from the cross — “My God, my God why have you forsaken me?” — resonate with how they feel.

The obituary has long been a part of American culture. William F. Buckley Jr. helped to re-elevate the eulogy to the high standard it once had in this country. The obituary and the eulogy help the grieving to remember and give thanks for the life of the deceased. It also helps those left behind to grieve the departed. The obituary and the eulogy are a reminder of our human mortality and give us cause to turn to God for His help during our time under the sun.

Complete Article HERE!

At the hour of death: Unlocking the mystery of dying

By Glenville Ashby

“Dying has a funny way of making you see people, the living and the dead, a little differently. Maybe that’s just part of grieving, or maybe the dead stand there and open our eyes a bit wider.” (Susan Gress Gilmore)

Glenville Ashby

Most of us have lost loved ones. It is a painful experience that sometimes takes years to heal, if ever. Many depart suddenly without notice and we are left helpless, forlorn and confounded.

Others waste away, a slow process that is painful, difficult to watch. We are called upon to be caregivers, attending to the every need of a dying relative. During that time we learn timeless lessons if we are patient, listen, and learn from this unique experience.

Like birth, death is an integral part of life that should be accorded the right, appropriate response. On a mystical level, the dying person experiences what hospice nurse Maggie Callanan calls the “Nearing Death Awareness”.

It is a process that can take days, weeks and even months; but during that time we are afforded unique information that will help us in our own spiritual travels when we are called home.

Callahan concluded in her cross-cultural research that dying persons speak of travel, maps, trains, and of queuing up to get to another place. She also found that those she studied were not heavily sedated, nor were they speaking in fantastical terms due to any neurological, physical or physiological handicap.

In her book, Final Gifts, she writes, “… we found no common cause for what we were seeing and hearing. Our patients had many different illnesses – varieties of cancer, AIDS. In some cases, their brain oxygen, body fluid and body salt levels had been documented as normal.

“Their medications varied widely, some were taking no drugs at all, others many. In short, there was no apparent physiological explanation for their communication patterns.”

Dismiss the disjointed

Unfortunately, we sometimes dismiss the disjointed, and seemingly incongruous and incomprehensible words of the dying person, attributing it to medication, dementia, or senility.

Confused, we ask the nurse or doctor to take the appropriate medical measures to quiet the patient. Somehow, we miss the mark, missing the opportunity to ease the concerns and burdens of the patient.

When we can decode what the patient is trying to say and ably respond, we have facilitated the process of transition (dying). Patients get agitated or resigned when they are not understood. The dying process becomes longer, even more tortuous as the patient struggles to convey a message or articulate a concern.

Studies have shown that dying persons will opt to leave this earth when they are satisfied that those they are leaving behind will be all right. Others protract their departure because of guilt and the need for reconciliation. They seek forgiveness for past wrongs.

Mountain of experience

A mountain of experience has taught Callanan that many dying persons want to settle personal issues before they leave. They have a thirst for closure. “(There’s) an awareness that they need to be at peace,” Callanan writes in Final Gifts.

“As death nears, people often realise some things feel unfinished or incomplete perhaps issues that once seemed insignificant or that happened long ago. Now the dying person realises their importance and wants to settle them.” We are urged to accommodate their request.

Sadly, many engulfed in the throes of dying do not and cannot speak in literal terms. They use symbolic language.

And the more we dismiss this mode of communication as insignificant, muddled thoughts, the more the patient is likely to withdraw or display bouts of anxiety. In such situations dying is painful to watch.

On the symbolism used by dying persons, we are advised to patiently learn as much as possible and be gently and constructively responsive.

Sometimes our own fears, bewilderment and anger at seeing a loved one die only exacerbate the circumstances. We withdraw, unable to openly and honestly communicate.

Friends, unable to manage their own emotions, and lost for words, do not visit not out of insensitivity, but due to their incapacity to comprehend and deal with this highly charged emotional experience.

Studies have also shown that those at the cusp of death may see and communicate with beings invisible to us.

These visitors are usually relatives and friends who have passed on, or angels, saints and religious personages that are familiar to the patient. These visions have a calming effect and it’s obvious that these exchanges serve to make the dying process peaceful and unthreatening.

Finally, hospice nurses have encountered cases indicating that patients ‘know’ the hour of their death. Others have cited cases where healthy individuals also seem to know of their demise.

In one intriguing scenario with which I am familiar, a physically robust woman, without any prodding, suddenly rushed to prepare her will and last testament. Upon completion, she hastily summoned her son, imparting every bit of religious knowledge.

“This is the most precious gift I can give you,” she told him. She succumbed a day later.

That she consciously knew that she was going to die is debatable, and I disagree with Callahan and others who argue that “dying people often seem to know when their death will occur, sometimes right down to the day or hour (and) their attempts to share information about the time of death may be clear and direct”.

However, I am of the opinion that in most cases this knowledge is a subtle, subconscious impulse unknown to the conscious mind.

Nearing Death Awareness can be taxing, taking a toll on patient and loved ones. Openness, dialogue, honesty, patience and caring by all parties will no doubt ease the burden.

Dying and death are natural, a necessary part of life. And in the same way that we learn from the living, so we must embrace the wisdom brought forth by dying people.

Complete Article HERE!

Broken pebbles offer clues to Paleolithic funeral rituals

Pebbles were refitted during analysis.

[H]umans may have ritualistically “killed” objects to remove their symbolic power, some 5,000 years earlier than previously thought, a new international study of marine pebble tools from an Upper Paleolithic burial site in Italy suggests.

Researchers at Université de Montréal, Arizona State University and University of Genoa examined 29 pebble fragments recovered in the Caverna delle Arene Candide on the Mediterranean Sea in Liguria. In their study, published online Jan. 18 in the Cambridge Archeological Journal, they concluded that some 12,000 years ago the flat, oblong pebbles were brought up from the beach, used as spatulas to apply ochre paste to decorate the dead, then broken and discarded.

The intent could have been to “kill” the tools, thereby “discharging them of their symbolic power” as objects that had come into contact with the deceased, said the study’s co-author Julien Riel-Salvatore, an associate professor of anthropology at UdeM who directed the excavations at the site that yielded the pebbles.

The Arene Candide is a hockey-rink-sized cave containing a necropolis of some 20 adults and children. It is located about 90 metres above the sea in a steep cliff overlooking a limestone quarry. First excavated extensively in the 1940s, the cave is considered a reference site for the Neolithic and Paleolithic periods in the western Mediterranean. Until now, however, no one had looked at the broken pebbles.

Possible use of the pebbles: retoucher or hammer.

“If our interpretation is correct, we’ve pushed back the earliest evidence of intentional fragmentation of objects in a ritual context by up to 5,000 years,” said the study’s lead author Claudine Gravel-Miguel, a PhD candidate at Arizona State’s School of Human Evolution and Social Change, in Tempe. “The next oldest evidence dates to the Neolithic period in Central Europe, about 8,000 years ago. Ours date to somewhere between 11,000 and 13,000 years ago, when people in Liguria were still hunter-gatherers.”

No matching pieces to the broken pebbles were found, prompting the researchers to hypothesize that the missing halves were kept as talismans or souvenirs. “They might have signified a link to the deceased, in the same way that people today might share pieces of a friendship trinket, or place an object in the grave of a loved one,” Riel-Salvatore said. “It’s the same kind of emotional connection.”

Between 2008 and 2013, the researchers painstakingly excavated in the Arene Candide cave immediately east of the original excavation using small trowels and dental tools, then carried out microscopic analysis of the pebbles they found there. They also scoured nearby beaches in search of similar-looking pebbles, and broke them to see if they compared to the others, trying to determine whether they had been deliberately broken.

Claudine Gravel-Miguel is with anthropologist Vitale Stefano Sparacello at the Arene Candide site in 2011.

“This demonstrates the underappreciated interpretive potential of broken pieces,” the new study concludes. “Research programs on Paleolithic interments should not limit themselves to the burials themselves, but also explicitly target material recovered from nearby deposits, since, as we have shown here, artifacts as simple as broken rocks can sometimes help us uncover new practices in prehistoric funerary canons.”

 

The findings could have implications for research at other Paleolithic sites where ochre-painted pebbles have been found, such as the Azilian sites in the Pyrenee mountains of northern Spain and southern France. Broken pebbles recovered during excavations often go unexamined, so it might be worth going back and taking a second look, said Riel-Salvatore.

“Historically, archeologists haven’t really looked at these objects – if they see them at a site, they usually go ‘Oh, there’s an ordinary pebble,’ and then discard it with the rest of the sediment,” he said. “We need to start paying attention to these things that are often just labeled as rocks. Something that looks like it might be natural might actually have important artifactual meaning.”

Complete Article HERE!