My 2024 Goal Is To Have A Good Death

(But not this year)

American culture is extraordinarily goal-oriented. This January, pause and notice the messages and expectations that are motivating you. Everyone creates goals regarding all aspects of life. In a single day, we set a vast number of goals to accomplish.

Adults have daily, monthly, or yearly goals for their job which may not be in alignment with their additional career goals. Athletes have intense levels of goal achievement and mindset work. Others may have spiritual or emotional goals. You might also have social, educational or even comfort goals, for instance, you want to purchase your own car or house or you want to start a family or gain independence. This list of goals can go on ad infinitum, but you have gotten the point by now and I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed by just listing possible goals.

Thus, I began polling people about their goals. I recently had a conversation with an acquaintance who stated their goal for 2024 was to add days to their family vacation. And then I sat there waiting in silence until it became uncomfortable, and I realized that was all they were going to say. I found myself in awe. I did not know what to say or how to respond as my mind whirled out of control with the list of goals I had set just because it’s TODAY and tomorrow isn’t promised!

My mind thought of my weightlifting, cardio, yoga, nutrition and meditation goals, the stack of books I plan to read, the podcast episodes and blog articles I want to do, the networking organizations and business researching, and any new certifications I think will benefit myself or my staff. Every year I want to see an increase in business profits. This breaks down to clients, social media and marketing goals, community outreach, pro-bono work.

As a member of my religion’s clergy, I have personal spiritual preparation and educational goals. Then there are relationships, family, and travel goals. And, underlying it all, my goal is to just handle what I’ve got scheduled and NOT take on any other GOALS!!!

I realized making New Year’s Goals is passe when I attended a business networking group recently, the host asked, “For those of you that are still into it, raise your hand if you’ve set goals for 2024?” Only about a third of the people raised their hand.

As a 2023 volunteer service goal, I committed to hosting monthly, virtual, Death Cafe meetings. For more information go to DeathCafe, According to the Death Cafe rules for these meetings, the only requirement is not to have a plan or agenda and to simply to hold space for the conversation. These are often sacred and sincere moments where people are vulnerable and share their thoughts and experiences. That required a personal commitment to do so. I see goals as personal commitments for growth, if you are not growing and learning you are stagnating.

One of my yoga certifications is in Brain Longevity Therapy Training. One of the tenets to a healthy aging brain is to keep it active. Activities like learning new skills, reading, socializing, movement work like balance and exercise all affect the brain. The brain and body need to be challenged to keep them working at optimal levels. However, growth is often a process that occurs even during dying and all the way through death. I often look at death, not only as transition but as an initiation. Death is an unknown and it takes preparation to face it in peace. Physician-assisted suicide, or “medical aid in dying”, is legal in eleven jurisdictions, the Commonwealth of Virginia is not one of them. As a Death Doula, I have been bedside with several people as they were actively dying. Some are aware and some are not, while all these deaths were medically regarded as peaceful. I do not know that they would classify as a “good death” if it were my own.

Holding space for Death is a growth experience. My ultimate goal is to have a good death and all my other goals reflect that. No, I am not actively dying, I am actively living. I am acutely aware of the fact that tomorrow is not promised and that gives the simplest of moments a glamor that most people do not see.

For example, walking my very elderly dog is its own growth experience in mindfulness. We walk slowly and methodically. Her eyes are not as clear now and it is obvious she has become mostly deaf. She avoids stairs or steep hills. She demands pets from any stranger and wants to sniff any friendly dog. She takes long pauses to sniff thoroughly between bushes and under benches. I have time to notice the clarity of the stars above and watch the diamonds of frost begin to form as we stand silently on the abandoned sidewalks in the winter darkness. The sweeping mantle of cold (or possibly arthritic joints) makes her knees tremble slightly.

We slowly walk along, allowing her to go as far as she wants and where she wants, until she spontaneously turns around and heads back. Some days she stands in the doorway to our apartment looking through as if she has forgotten where she is, cautious about entering. Other days, as she sleeps long and deeply, I will hear her whimper and look over to see her feet moving slightly, clearly dreaming of running and playing with other dogs or her humans. I know time is growing shorter for her, but we will face that together. I do not ever want her to feel alone or unloved. We can never accurately predict when a natural death will occur, so you must be ready all the time. Ushering a pet is much like a person. We sit and just be with each other. Sometimes I talk but other times it is just not needed. She just wants someone to be present and touch her. So much is conveyed through touch.

Time seems to shrink for elders. One activity, like a medical appointment or meeting a friend for coffee, can be exhausting. You think you have all the time in the world to accomplish the things you want but knowing Death can come at any time can make the experiences of life taste even more sweet. I do not like to repeat experiences, travel to the same places or even eat in the same restaurants because I might miss an opportunity! When I die, I want to know I lived my life to its fullest and took every opportunity to suck the life out of every single minute. This requires commitment, planning and setting goals.

Take a minute to consider if you knew you only had one year left to live. How would you live differently? What would take importance? Do you have the cash? Make it happen. Set those goals! Say the things that need to be said! Do the things you need to do! Heal the things that need attention! Let go of the past and be present! It’s time to outgrow your comfortable life and move into the adventure of living fully so that when Death arrives you are ready to take that journey with her without hesitation or regret weighing you down.

P.S. I offer a virtual Death Cafe meeting every month, for more information google “Death Cafe of Southside Virginia” or look us up on DeathCafe.com

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

December 12, 2023December 11, 2023

Islamic Burial Rites

— How These Women Are Making a Change in US

Ramla Shaikh works with a local funeral home in Avon, Connecticut, to assist with Muslim burials.

Most funeral homes don’t know how to bury Muslims but a group of Muslim women seek to introduce a change.

More than a dozen women watch closely as Ida Khalil measures the length of the mannequin lying on the white table in front of her, stretching the palm of her hand and moving up from the figure’s toes to its head, HuffPost reported on Sunday.

She then measures and cuts the white shroud, the garment in which Muslims are wrapped when they are buried — three pieces of cloth for men and five for women. Muslims traditionally aren’t buried in caskets, a practice connected to the belief that everyone is equal in death and no one takes along any of the possessions, status or wealth they may have accumulated in life.

Khalil’s voice, confident and clear, reverberates in the room as she explains the rituals of how to wash and wrap a body according to the Islamic tradition. She wears blue medical gloves and a medical apron over her long black abaya, a loose garment worn by Muslim women, that she paired with a keffiyeh-print hijab. Behind her are the Palestinian and American flags, representing the large Palestinian American community in the town.

The women in the audience tilt their heads with Khalil’s every move, some taking detailed notes, others recording the demonstration on their phones. Some of the women came alone, while others came in pairs, including mothers and daughters. The women ― some in their early 20s, others in their 80s, and still others of every age in between ― sit in neat rows of folding chairs at this cultural center, their jackets hanging off the backs of seats. The sun sets, and a chilly fall wind hits the doors.

Khalil is here because she believes it’s critical for the next generation of Muslim women to learn how to wash bodies. Otherwise, she worries, the tradition may be forgotten. In Islam, death is seen not as an end but rather as a transition from one lifetime to another. It’s not a taboo subject, and Muslims are encouraged to prepare for death to come at any moment, including by learning the related traditions, rituals and spiritual elements through the Islamic faith.

Despite this, many women in the U.S. are too afraid of touching a body to learn how to prepare for their loved ones’ deaths until it’s too late, Khalil said.

“They don’t get that this is incredibly important,” she told HuffPost.

‘You’re Putting Them To Peace’

Islam, like many other religions, sets out a specific process for what should happen to a person’s body after they die. The body must be washed and not embalmed, then buried quickly, usually within 24 hours.

Men are usually washed by men, and women by women. There are a few exceptions made for relatives such as parents and children. The Islamic faith outlines the protocols for preparing the body, including washing it (starting with the right side), braiding the hair, perfuming the body and wrapping it in cotton.

Above all, there is an emphasis on dignifying the deceased. Those who wash are forbidden from relating the details of a body, and the process is meant to occur in silence. Muslims believe that washing, burying and praying for the dead are a collective duty. When a member of the community passes, all are encouraged to participate in funeral prayers and send condolences to the family.

Khalil, now 57, first learned to wash a body when she was 44.

“I said fine, let me take the class. But I’ll never do this. I’m afraid of dead people,” she said, recalling when two women came to the mosque she attended to teach others how to carry out the process.

A few months later, Khalil’s mother reached out. Her sister-in-law had died, and she wanted Khalil to wash her.

Khalil was hesitant, but she didn’t want to reject her mother’s request. She showed up to the mosque, accompanied by two other women. The room was silent and Khalil found herself washing her aunt’s body without concern. She thought she’d have trouble sleeping that night, but she slept well, knowing she could honor her mother and aunt.
Thirteen years later, Khalil has washed more than a hundred women at three mosques across New Jersey.

“I used to be afraid of dead people,” she said. “Now I could sleep next to dead people.”

Islamic Burial Rites: How These Women Are Making a Change in US — Ida Khalil demonstrates how to wash and prepare a body for burial at Beit Anan Community Center in Paterson, New Jersey, Oct. 22.

Some washes are harder than others. Khalil recalls washing and preparing the body of a 5-month-old fetus that did not make it to term. She also recalls washing the body of a domestic violence victim who was punctured with stab wounds.

At the cultural center where Khalil taught her class, she demonstrated the Islamic pre-ritual wash conducted before prayers, washing between the mannequin’s fingers, face and feet up to the ankles. She used warm water, as she always does. She told her audience that she tells the families of the deceased to bring their loved one’s favorite soaps and shampoos.

Khalil told the women in the class to think about themselves and treat the body as they would want to be treated.

“It’s their last bath,” she told her audience. “Picture yourself.”

Some women asked if nail polish and piercings should be removed. Yes, Khalil said. The majority of women said it was their first time taking Khalil’s class, though some said they’d taken one before.

Naemeh Asfour, 25, attended Khalil’s class with her mother. It was her first time. Asfour and her mother had promised that whoever died first would wash the other.

“Everyone’s a little scared seeing someone dead, or seeing someone you love in that position,” she said. “But in reality, it’s very peaceful when you think about it. You’re giving someone that final bath and you’re putting them to peace.”

‘We’ll Have To Step Up’

In Muslim-majority countries, funeral homes abide by the burial customs of the faith, a process that emphasizes minimalism. After the bodies are washed and wrapped with the white shroud, the deceased are buried facing toward Mecca, the city Muslims face to pray.

But many funeral homes in the U.S. aren’t aware of Islamic traditions, or well equipped to carry them out.

Ramla Shaikh recognized this immediately after moving to the U.S. in 1987. She noticed that the majority of funeral homes embalmed their dead ― the process of preserving a corpse by treating it with chemicals, which is forbidden by the Islamic faith ― or cremated them.

So Shaikh, who lives in Avon, Connecticut, now collaborates with a local funeral home when someone in the area’s Muslim community dies. If the body of a Muslim person is brought to the funeral home, they call Shaikh to make sure a Muslim, sometimes Shaikh herself, washes the body.

Shaikh has also negotiated prices with the funeral home on the mosque’s behalf. Traditional services, which include embalming and holding a body for an extended period of time, cost approximately $10,000. But since Muslims prohibit embalming and bury their dead within 24 hours of their passing, Shaikh was able to reduce that cost to just $3,000. (The process is often paid for by social services in Muslim-majority countries, but in the U.S., people from a community band together to cover the costs. Shaikh’s mosque will help families cover expenses if they can’t afford them.)

“If somebody passes away in this country, a Muslim woman or a man, there isn’t a service or aren’t any professionals who can do it here like for the Christians, Jews, or other religions,” she said. “We don’t have that, so we’ll have to step up and do it for our own.”
Shaikh has created a WhatsApp group to coordinate whenever someone in the community dies. She’s been able to help people all over the state.

Shaikh first washed a body in 2004, when her mother died. She has since washed many more, including those of her mother-in-law and friends of friends, and she persuades other women to get involved with the practice.

“I needed to teach other people so when it comes my time, and I go, somebody will be there to wash me,” she said.

Safwan Shaikh ― the imam at Ramla’s mosque, and no relation to her ― said his community is grateful to have Ramla to streamline the washing and shrouding for their members. Not all mosques are as organized, and the imam said those mosque administrators need to uphold their obligations to the community. In addition to offering religious guidance to the body washers, Safwan ensures that families of the deceased have access to the mosque’s resources, including a memorial service and assistance with expenses.

“It’s something that’s a necessity,” Safwan said, “and I can’t imagine the community not having these for both men and women.”

The mosque had a women’s washing team, headed by Ramla, before there was one for men.

“Muslim women have a lot of rights and responsibilities,” she said. “They are portrayed in front of the world that they are oppressed, but they are leaders in every way.”

Back in Paterson, Khalil hasn’t taken a penny for her work. She never plans to.

“I would do it [for free], even if I’m poor and I have nothing to eat and I have to beg,” Khalil said.

She said the experience has been life-changing. It’s made her reflect on the shortness of life and her purpose in this world. Her demeanor fluctuates between patience and a somber acceptance, as she’s no longer stressing over the small mishaps in life.

She’s silent when she attends funerals and burials, and demands the same from those around her. A few weeks ago, she scolded funeral attendees who were being disruptive and making unnecessary small talk. Respecting the deceased means acknowledging what is to come, for her and for everyone else in that room.

“We’re all going to be in this position,” Khalil said. “It’s a part of life.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

December 2, 2023December 1, 2023

We Should Talk More About Dying, Cause You Will

By Andrew Donaldson

Mounting the pulpit at the Glenn Memorial United Methodist Church in Atlanta, Jason Carter explained of Rosalynn Carter, “My grandmother doesn’t need a eulogy; her life was a sermon.”

It’s a line that’s been used in countless memorial services and even more sermons, seminars, and motivational sayings because a great truth is delivered in a simple saying. Most folks have been to the funeral where the person laid out at the front becomes in death a sinless saint according to the words flowing over the casket and into the gathered mourners. If we are fortunate, we get to attend the celebration of life of someone who had far more to praise than the allotted time allows.

This service was the latter. Most tributes are not what Rosalynn Carter got, of course. A front row of all the living first ladies per the departed’s specific request, a former and the sitting President of The United States of America, Trisha Yearwood and Garth Brooks performing, live streaming to the world; while the mechanics of the tribute were familiar there is of course an elevated sense when it is someone as universally respected as Rosalynn Carter.

“The first rule about funerals,” I can hear my father’s voice clearly as he explained something he himself had officiated hundreds of times, “is to understand they are not about you.” I heard it growing up so many times but took until much later in life until I fully understood this maxim. I’ve come to use big public displays of folks passing on as an opportunity to really learn something by watching the reactions. Especially online with social media and news media, a famous person’s death becomes something of a canvas for folks to publicly paint whatever they want. Usually, they paint what they were already going to paint, just with the nomenclature and excuse of whoever died to crank it up from the usual simmering 6 to a viral-baiting 11.

When folks use a famous funeral or celebrity death to tell the world what they really think, believe them.

When the politically ate up knuckleheads online go on and on about Melania Trump being at the service — to the point the Carter family had to come out with a statement that she was there at Rosalynn Carter’s specific request — believe them. When another group of equally-politically ate up but opposing side knuckleheads take a run at the appearance of Michelle Obama with vile caricatures and accusations, believe them. When utterly tone deaf and stupid protestors outside the church try to detract from the service and disrespect the man who is the most high-profile supporter of the cause they claim is important to them as he grieves his wife, believe them. When folks can’t just say nothing if they have nothing good to say, because trending or something, believe them.

Death, especially celebrity death, seems to be a starter pistol-like signal for too many to rush to their device and bare the darker corners of their soul because…why? The person who died, who has no clue who any of these folks are, is dead and can’t respond? Are the online seal claps of a particular in-group some precious resource that can be uniquely mined only as the digital community virtually rallies around the corpse in some sort of viral wake?

While the negative effects of having very online lives is often overblown hyperbole, there really does seem to be something to nationalized politics and culture distilled into personally curated online consumption that isn’t helping our sense of mortality. Social media — like money, power, and alcohol — emboldens and empowers folks to be more of what they really are internally to the outside world without the usual filters. When the filters are off, you get what really dwells in the heart and mind that the spell check of sobriety or keeping your bearing offline in the real world usually corrects.

Being a productive citizen of society begins with being a functional mature adult. A keystone for building a functional adult life is understanding the linear ride from birth to death we are all on. The inevitable, unpredictable, linear ride from birth to death which everyone is taking, and no one is exempt from. While the psychologists, philosophers, and theologians hash out all the particulars, most of us mere mortals can just start with embracing the fact that we are going to die. Setting that immutable fact in its proper place makes a good guardrail to living a good life that can end at any moment, and should be lived so that the speaker over the casket doesn’t have to lie too terribly much about what we accomplished before shuffling off our mortal coil.

The same social and news media that makes bank on celebrity deaths is rife with self-help gurus and Fad O’the Day programs about living a better life, longer life, more fulfilling life, on and on and on. Nothing wrong with those things in the abstract, and probably plenty of practical usages therein for folks to apply. But less popular on YouTube and TikTok is the reality of mortal life. Movies love the young, passionate romance, but Hollywood makes fewer films about the octogenarians trying to get their spouse of a half century to take their meds as they demand to know who they are because time and illness has robbed the mind. Not a lot of influencers who have inhabited our gyms and fitness centers with their mobile video shoots like locusts upon the harvest set up shop in rehab centers and nursing homes to portray not the latest viral fitness craze, but folks just hoping to walk to the bathroom unassisted one more time.

When Jimmy Carter was wheeled into his wife’s tribute, suited and covered in a blanket bearing an image of the couple, some on social media reacted poorly. How, exactly, they expected a 99 year old man who has been in hospice since February and just lost his wife of nearly 80 years is supposed to look was not addressed. Perhaps many of them have never cared for anyone at the end of natural life. Yes, they don’t look as they once did, they struggle, their mouths hang open, they often can’t communicate effectively, they can’t be as they once were because time is undefeated against presidents or paupers alike.

An aged, infirmed, and clearly struggling Jimmy Carter — in what will be his final public appearance — drew strong reactions online. But hopefully after those reactions, the Very Online who live in a world full of likes and daisies and no bad things on the carefully curated timelines look again, hard as it may be. Not as a former president, or any politics or policies, or even the lifetime of philanthropic work the Carters together did since they first met in 1945.

What did you see in that frail, dying man, and did you learn the lesson of life that was preached by Rosalynn Carter during her 96 years of life?

Far from revolting, or scary, or drawing pity, the scene at the front of the Glenn Memorial United Methodist Church was one of great beauty. Not because of the pomp and sober circumstance, or the dignitaries, or the great words. In Jimmy Carter we saw a man putting the period on the end of the last sentence in a great story of personal love and integrity. His last public struggle, completely reliant on others to get it done, but no less present and willing himself to do what he knew needed to be done and was good and proper to do so. The small hours of highly personal struggles as death nears is something we don’t talk about, or show, or want to think about. But we should be thankful for the Carters in this respect: that in Rosalynn’s remembrance and Jimmy’s last leg of the journey without her, we don’t need fancy words to explain to us a life well lived, and death met with courage and dignity.

We just had to watch.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

November 27, 2023November 26, 2023

People may not fear death, but they dread the process of dying

By Barney Zwartz

Native Americans, I read recently, have a rather beautiful concept called “second death”. The first death is when breath finally leaves the body; the second is when someone says your name for the last time.

This is not entirely dissimilar from the notion at secular Australian funerals of “celebrating” a life. Stories, humour, sorrow and love honour the lamented lost, and help cement them in our memories – they too live on, in a sense, while they are remembered.

In her book A Better Death, oncologist Ranjana Srivastava notes how unprepared most people – even those aged in their 90s – are for the end of their life.

What surprises me is how often non-believers make remarks like “she’s in a better place now” or “he’ll be looking down from above” – a paradoxical cultural legacy from the Christian belief in heaven.

Yet perhaps it is not really surprising. After all, belief in an afterlife is near universal across cultures from the earliest times, as evidenced by prehistoric grave sites – it’s utterly fundamental, which is a form of evidence.

Non-believers tend to reject the idea of an afterlife as mere wish fulfilment, but their rejection could equally be understood the same way, for example, as a reluctance to admit the possibility of judgment. (This is the thought of the Christian version of the “second death”, described in the New Testament book of Revelation.)

The atheist understanding, like the Christian’s, is entirely a matter of faith – no categorical evidence exists either way, though Christians can point to the biblical accounts of the post-resurrection appearances of Jesus.

Melbourne oncologist and writer Ranjana Srivastava, in her compassionate and thoughtful book A Better Death, notes how unprepared so many people are to die who have never thought about mortality and cannot accept it – even people in their 90s.

Having supported so many people of various ages and circumstances as cancer takes their life, she writes that many suffer a sort of existential pain – denial, absence of meaning, recrimination, regret – that can be as hard to bear as the physical aspects.

The urgent thing, she says, is to reflect before we age. “Dying well is about treating ourselves and others in the last act of life with grace and goodwill,” and there can be many moments of happiness, fulfilment and discovery that give meaning to life.

Death is today’s great taboo. People may not fear death, but they dread the process of dying. As Woody Allen quipped, he’s not afraid of dying, he just doesn’t want to be there when it happens.

These days, it seems, we all want to die painlessly in our sleep, preferably unexpectedly with no suffering beforehand. This is a stark contrast to previous centuries, when people wanted time to settle their affairs, take their leave of loved ones and, in particular, prepare to meet their maker.

Perhaps that’s a better death, both for the dying and for those they leave behind.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

November 12, 2023November 11, 2023

Finding Comfort and Peace with Hospice Care at End of Life

— What I find with some regularity is that people who are dying really do want, need and desire to talk about it.

By Rabbi Joseph H. Krakoff

Hospice — or as it is sometimes referred to — the ‘H’ word — can be a very scary, anxiety-producing proposition. And while that certainly makes sense, it is also a compassionate place to go for care that offers comfort, peace and love. As the end of life draws near, hospice is poised to meet every individual where they are at physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

What I have discovered over the last decade of visiting patients who have chosen hospice care is that even when they were reticent at first, they are ultimately grateful to have the tremendous support of a team of nurses, aides, social workers, clergy and volunteers who are there for them around the clock.

I can’t help but think back to an experience I had several years ago on a patient visit. I went to see an 85-year-old man who had been diagnosed with end-stage cancer. His adult children had made a unanimous decision not to tell their father that he was dying. On my first visit, the three siblings greeted me in the foyer of the man’s home to firmly instruct me not to tell their dad that he was on hospice. Naturally, I accommodated their request. Then, on my third visit, without warning, the man asked his children to leave the room because he wanted to speak to me alone.

He asked me to sit down next to him on the chair by the bed and said the following: “Rabbi, my family thinks that I don’t know what is going on. But I do! I recognize that I am dying and know I am receiving hospice care. I have lived a very good life. I am grateful and know my time is short. I have come to terms with my demise. But what I struggle with the most is that I really want to talk with my children about the fact that I am dying, but they won’t hear of it. Please help me help them. I need to get my affairs in order. Even more, I want the chance to say goodbye to each family member and express my gratitude and love for them. Rabbi, please help me. I am desperate.”

This is not an uncommon occurrence. What I find with some regularity is that people who are dying really do want, need and desire to talk about it. And so often, it is the hospice experience that plays an essential role in bringing families together to have these all-important conversations.

The word hospice itself originated in medieval times, a derivative of the Latin “hospes” meaning host or guest. Hospice as a concept appears initially in the mid-1800s to describe caring for dying patients and is based on the model created by Mrs. Jeanne Garnier, the founder of the Dames de Calaire in Lyon, France. The Irish Sisters of Charity adopted it when they created Our Lady’s Hospice in Dublin, Ireland, in 1879 and then again when they opened St. Joseph’s Hospice in Hackney, London, England, in 1905. It wasn’t until 1974 though that the first hospice was established in the United States.

Today, hospice is available through Medicare to critically/terminally ill patients who are declining and expected to die within six months, although they often live longer. The individual agrees to forgo any kind of aggressive medical intervention including curative treatment. The vast majority of hospice is covered by Medicare, though some is paid for by private insurance, Medicaid and the Department of Veterans Affairs. Hospice agencies develop a specific care plan for each patient to treat the symptoms of the person’s illness and are on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

One of the biggest misnomers about hospice care is that accepting a referral to hospice means that the individual is “throwing in the towel” and giving up on life. For this reason, it is not unusual that people may be discouraged by family members. But when the medical team determines that there is nothing else clinically that can be done and the terminally ill person is psychologically ready, hospice can be the best and most humane choice for reducing physical pain, maximizing emotional well-being and enhancing spiritual peace. It is not unusual to see someone on hospice actually begin to feel better due to the layer of care provided by the hospice team.

In choosing hospice, the individual has made the decision, in the event of a crisis, not to go to the hospital or to call 911. Rather, all phone calls for help are made directly to the hospice organization. And if, for whatever reason, a person changes their mind, they always maintain the authority to revoke their hospice benefit and revert to calling 911, going to the hospital or resuming treatment.

While we can be certain that there will always be a modicum of discomfort about uttering the ‘h’ word, the truth is that hospice care wholly focused on comfort and peace is a true gift. At JHCN, we take pride in meeting each person where they are and thoughtfully addressing their whole range of needs in an honest, caring and loving way. Most of all, we provide the unique opportunity — through our social workers, clergy, volunteers and Life Enrichment specialists — that when the body can no longer be healed, we focus on the holy responsibility to assist in healing the spirit and the soul.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

November 10, 2023November 9, 2023

A Guide to Dying

— We Talked to 3 Death Doulas

As Halloween, Day of the Dead, and All Souls and Saints Day have passed, we reflect on death and the afterlife. In fact, it’s all consuming. It’s impossible to not think of our loved ones we have lost or those we may lose when visiting grave sites or setting up an altar with candles.

By Penny Min

Whether religion comes into the conversation or not, death is a complex topic to discuss. The dying process is a mystery for most people, and shielding away from “the end” is an uncomfortable reality that many aren’t ready to face. Oftentimes, most people ignore it alltogether.

Avoidance, however, doesn’t always work when it comes to the inevitable — preparing for one’s departure from the world. And sometimes, people just need a little help, guidance, and comfort to ease into this next transition.

That’s why having a death doula assist during the latter stages of life is increasingly becoming a popular business and option for those heading toward the light.

A “doula” is a term commonly employed to describe someone who supports a pregnant woman during childbirth. The name is derived from the Greek word “doulđ,” which means “slave or female servant.” More recently, the definition of a doula has been expanded beyond the introduction to life and includes someone who provides support to those who are nearing the end of their lives.

What does a death doula do?

The tasks performed by death doulas can change depending on the needs of the person they are currently assisting. A death doula may concentrate on performing menial duties so that others who are close to the dying person can concentrate on spending meaningful time with them. They may assist with funeral rites and ceremonies, such as ensuring that the proper cultural or religious customs are observed during the dying process and that the deceased’s body is appropriately handled after death.

Listening to the dying person and others close to them while providing nonjudgmental emotional and spiritual support can be a significant portion of the death doula’s job description.

To learn more about this compassionate role, we asked three death doulas about their difficult but rewarding profession.

Interview questions have been edited for length.

Alysha Suryah, Baltimore

Photo by Elizabeth Kopylova

Q: What kind of training goes into being a death doula?

A: While end-of-life doulas have been around for years, the process for entering this space as a professional is somewhat unregulated. There are a plethora of opportunities to get out in the community to receive training in specialized topics, like rituals and communication, as well as the business side of this role; however, certifications are not required to provide this level of care to clients or even within your community — there are even opportunities to be a volunteer doula at hospice centers or other related organizations.

The only thing needed to be a doula is a willingness to provide compassionate care and a deep commitment to supporting individuals and their families during this potentially life-changing journey. It’s really a role rooted in humanity, and while formal training and certifications can certainly enhance your skills, the essence of being a death doula is the unwavering dedication to being there for others when they need it most.

Q: What are some of the challenges of the job?

A: One of the primary challenges of this role is the emotional toll it can take, even if one is vigilant about protecting their emotional well-being. Death is an intensely personal experience for everyone, and as an end-of-life doula, you have the potential to build deep, meaningful relationships with the individuals you serve. Bearing witness to their grief, pain, and loss, as well as the grief of their families following their passing, can be emotionally taxing at times. Sometimes, the relationships formed with clients are so close that you find yourself sharing in their sense of loss. It necessitates practitioners to have a considerable amount of mental fortitude to provide unwaveringly compassionate care consistently.

In addition to the emotional challenges, end-of-life doulas also encounter practical challenges. Effective communication, including facilitating difficult conversations, is a key aspect of the role. Irregular hours, often involving evenings and weekends, demand flexibility. Additionally, managing multiple clients simultaneously can increase the risk of burnout, emphasizing the need for self-care and support. Balancing the emotional demands and the practical challenges of the role, end-of-life doulas exemplify resilience in their commitment to providing support while navigating the complexities of end-of-life journeys.

Q: Is a death doula brought into hospice, or is it home care?

A: The professional role of a death doula is remarkably diverse, shaped by an individual’s strengths, experiences, interests, and the specific needs of their community. Death doulas can be found in both hospice and home care settings, and their responsibilities closely align.

In hospice settings, death doulas collaborate closely with hospice teams to provide comprehensive support to patients and their families. Their mission typically involves offering emotional support and guidance, contributing to legacy projects, and assisting individuals throughout the end-of-life journey. Their role seamlessly integrates within the hospice care framework. Conversely, some death doulas choose to operate within the context of home care. In this capacity, they provide support to individuals who have decided to receive end-of-life care in the comfort of their homes. Within this environment, death doulas can have a higher degree of flexibility compared to the structured relationships found in hospice settings. Their services encompass companionship, emotional and/or practical support, as well as guidance and education on end-of-life decisions. They also continue to provide support to clients’ families, guiding them through the dying process in a familiar environment.

Catherine Durkin Robinson, Chicago

Photo courtesy of Catherine Durkin Robinson

Q: What led you to become a death doula?

A: I’ve been doing death doula work for a long time. Raised Irish Catholic, I was at my first “Last Rites” when I was five, and thought everyone was raised to believe that death is a natural part of life. I was much older when I realized that most of my friends were shielded from death and quite frightened by it. So I’d been their “death buddy” for years. I was also a longtime volunteer for two hospice organizations. It was around the time of the pandemic when I realized my 30-year career as a political organizer was coming to an end. I wanted to continue advocating for people outside the political system (it’s gotten quite toxic out there.) Someone said that I was already doing this work, so I went back to school (University of Vermont) and opened up my practice.

Q: What are some of the biggest challenges in your line of work?

A: I think one of my biggest challenges is helping people to see death in a different light. We can be awed by its mystery rather than frightened by it. Another challenge is helping people understand that plant medicine, or psychedelics, can reduce anxiety and fear around end-of-life. People are afraid of that idea, too. So, I’m pioneering in this space and need to remember that and be patient as I go.

Q: I’m interested in your experience in the polyamorous space. Can you discuss this?

A: Yes, there are lots of challenges about the end of life for different families. This is especially true for non-traditional families, like polyamorous or anyone on the LGBTQ+ spectrum. As someone with training and lived experience in this realm, I’m happy to advocate for families and help healthcare providers to better support them when needed.

Laura Lyster-Mensh, Washington D.C.

Photo by Isabella Carr

Q: How long have you been assisting others as a death doula?

A: I have always been interested in the processes of birth and death. At my stage of life, there is more death, and I wanted to explore how to be a better caregiver, supporter, and mourner.

I started my training in late 2021 and have been volunteering with dying people and doing death awareness work since early 2022.

Q: How has becoming a death doula changed your perspective on death and dying?

A: I’m less afraid of dying. I am able now to separate dying from death, and that is quite helpful.

Q: Can you tell me about the death positivity programming at the Congressional Cemetery, where you are a death doula?

A: Congressional Cemetery is taking a bold and active stance on this programming. Despite a very busy calendar with so many activities going on, they make space for these special events and gatherings. It’s innovative, and the community of death-positive participants is growing and supporting one another. It’s an honor to be facilitating these programs.

People stop me, often, when I’m walking around the cemetery and say, “Aren’t you the death doula?” These are the start of some of the most interesting and enriching conversations I’ve ever had. It is amazing how much people want to talk but don’t know where to start.

Professional Care Management. End-of-Life Doulas.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

November 2, 2023November 1, 2023

Dia de los Muertos (Day Of The Dead) 2023

More than 500 years ago, when the Spanish Conquistadors landed in what is now Mexico, they encountered natives practicing a ritual that seemed to mock death.

It was a ritual the indigenous people had been practicing at least 3,000 years. A ritual the Spaniards would try unsuccessfully to eradicate.

A ritual known today as Dia de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead.

The ritual is celebrated in Mexico and certain parts of the United States. Although the ritual has since been merged with Catholic theology, it still maintains the basic principles of the Aztec ritual, such as the use of skulls.

Today, people don wooden skull masks called calacas and dance in honor of their deceased relatives. The wooden skulls are also placed on altars that are dedicated to the dead. Sugar skulls, made with the names of the dead person on the forehead, are eaten by a relative or friend, according to Mary J. Adrade, who has written three books on the ritual.

The Aztecs and other Meso-American civilizations kept skulls as trophies and displayed them during the ritual. The skulls were used to symbolize death and rebirth.

The skulls were used to honor the dead, whom the Aztecs and other Meso-American civilizations believed came back to visit during the monthlong ritual.

Unlike the Spaniards, who viewed death as the end of life, the natives viewed it as the continuation of life. Instead of fearing death, they embraced it. To them, life was a dream and only in death did they become truly awake.

“The pre-Hispanic people honored duality as being dynamic,” said Christina Gonzalez, senior lecturer on Hispanic issues at Arizona State University. “They didn’t separate death from pain, wealth from poverty like they did in Western cultures.”

However, the Spaniards considered the ritual to be sacrilegious. They perceived the indigenous people to be barbaric and pagan.

In their attempts to convert them to Catholicism, the Spaniards tried to kill the ritual.

But like the old Aztec spirits, the ritual refused to die.

To make the ritual more Christian, the Spaniards moved it so it coincided with All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day (Nov. 1 and 2), which is when it is celebrated today.

Previously it fell on the ninth month of the Aztec Solar Calendar, approximately the beginning of August, and was celebrated for the entire month. Festivities were presided over by the goddess Mictecacihuatl. The goddess, known as “Lady of the Dead,” was believed to have died at birth, Andrade said.

Today, Day of the Dead is celebrated in Mexico and in certain parts of the United States and Central America.

“It’s celebrated different depending on where you go,” Gonzalez said.

In rural Mexico, people visit the cemetery where their loved ones are buried. They decorate gravesites with marigold flowers and candles. They bring toys for dead children and bottles of tequila to adults. They sit on picnic blankets next to gravesites and eat the favorite food of their loved ones.

In Guadalupe, the ritual is celebrated much like it is in rural Mexico.

“Here the people spend the day in the cemetery,” said Esther Cota, the parish secretary at the Our Lady of Guadalupe Church. “The graves are decorated real pretty by the people.”

For more information visit HERE!