Making plans for the end of life is important, but it’s a topic a lot of people tend to avoid. In fact, surveys show that some 60 percent of Americans lack a will or estate plan.
Yet, if you were to ask, most of them would assure you they want to care for their family after they die. They want to safeguard the assets they’ve carefully built over the years, keep them in the family, and make sure Uncle Sam doesn’t take the lion’s share.
How do you find out if your own parents have taken care of their plans? Adult children find it challenging to talk with their parents about such things. The subject can be sensitive and emotional. You may worry about appearing self-serving. Yet, it’s important for you to have such details so that you can be better prepared.
Here are some ways to make the topic easier to broach.
1. Watch for off-handed cues, such as your father mentioning his mortality or the reference to having attended a friend’s funeral. This is an opportunity to mention that as much as you don’t want to think about it, you want to respect their wishes, should a critical health situation come into play. Do they have an advance directive and power of attorney? Tell them you need to know in order to help carry out their wishes.
2. Ask your parents for advice on your own estate plan. Inquire as to how they have handled their own will or trust, and open with such questions as, “Who is on your team of professionals for your estate?” Refer to having reviewed your life insurance policy to make sure your beneficiaries are current and ask if they have checked theirs lately to make sure their beneficiaries are up to date.
3. Set an appointment to talk with your parents. If an opening does not come up to talk about this casually, set a time with them to discuss it. Let them know this meeting is about making sure their wishes for the future are respected. When you meet, assure them that you don’t want to guess about their desires and have some questions that address some delicate but important areas.
Once the door opens for you to talk with them about this, be sure you don’t shut it quickly. Assure them you have asked for this conversation in order to make sure they are well taken care of.
Once you begin exploring the details, don’t put your parents on the defensive. Asking why your parents have decided certain things the way they have can cause sensitivity. Instead, as they share information, mirror this back to them so that they feel heard.
An example would be, “What I hear you saying, Mom, is that you prefer to be cremated rather than buried, is that right?” Take it slow, allow them to express feelings about the choices they have made for their future. If they are reticent to talk about money, tell them numbers are not important – you just want to make sure they have planned well for what lies ahead.
If you can set the stage for an honest and candid discussion, be sure you include addressing the following four things: (1) A will or trust with a coordinated estate plan; (2) an advance health care directive; (3) a durable power of attorney; and (4) a list of assets and where they store important documents you might need when the time comes.
Death and its companion, grief, are often ignored at nursing homes and assisted living centers. Yet ignoring the loss can lead to depression, staff burnout and other problems.
Staff members at Gray Health & Rehabilitation participate in the annual bereavement ceremony.
One by one, their names were recited as family members clutched one another’s hands and silently wept.
Seventeen men and women had died within the past year at Gray Health & Rehabilitation, a 58-bed nursing home. Today, their lives were being honored and the losses experienced by those who cared for them recognized.
Death and its companion, grief, have a profound presence in long-term care facilities. Residents may wake up one morning to find someone they saw every day in the dining room gone. Nursing aides may arrive at work to find an empty bed, occupied the day before by someone they’d helped for months.
But the tides of emotion that ripple through these institutions are rarely openly acknowledged.
“Long-term care administrators view death as something that might upset residents,” said Dr. Toni Miles, a professor of epidemiology and biostatistics at the University of Georgia. “So, when someone passes away, doors are closed and the body is wheeled discretely out the back on a gurney. It’s like that person never existed.”
At Gray Health’s memorial service on this warm, sunny day, a candle was lit for each person who had died. Their images — young and vibrant, then old and shrunken — flashed by in a video presentation. “Our loved ones continue to live on in the memories in your hearts,” Rev. Steve Johnson, pastor of Bradley Baptist Church, said from a podium.
Dozens of family members gathered outside, each holding a white balloon. At the count of three came the release. Cries of “I love you” echoed as the group turned their faces to the sky.
Sylvia McCoullough wraps her arm around daughter Kim Kohlmayer as they mourn Sylvia’s father, Melvin Henry “Bo” Daniels, at an annual bereavement ceremony at the Gray Health & Rehabilitation in Gray, Ga., on May 14, 2018.
Miles wants to see bereavement openly acknowledged at facilities throughout Georgia to end what she calls “the silence surrounding loss and death in long-term care.” Following in-depth discussions with more than 70 staffers, residents and family members at nine facilities in central Georgia, she has created two handbooks on “best practices in bereavement care” and is gearing up to offer educational seminars and staff training in dozens of nursing homes and assisted living residences across the state.
“Dr. Miles’ work is incredibly important” and has the potential to ease end-of-life suffering, said Amanda Lou Newton, social services team leader at Hospice of Northeast Georgia Medical Center.
Fraught reactions to loss and death are common among nursing assistants and other staff in long-term-care facilities, research shows. When feelings aren’t acknowledged, grief can go underground and lead to a host of physical and psychological symptoms, including depression, distancing and burnout.
Those mourning former nursing home residents pray together near the end of an annual bereavement ceremony at Gray Health & Rehabilitation in Gray, Ga., on May 14, 2018.
Joanne Braswell, director of social services at Gray Health, remembers a resident with intellectual disabilities who would stay in Braswell’s office much of the day, quietly looking at magazines. Over time, the two women became close and Braswell would buy the resident little gifts and snacks.
“One day, I came in to work and they told me she had died. And I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t,” Braswell recalled, reflecting on her shock, made more painful by memories of her daughter’s untimely death several years earlier. “I promised myself never again to [become] attached to anyone like that.” Since then, when residents are actively dying, “I find myself pulling away,” she said.
Sylvia McCoullough, 56, came to Gray Health’s memorial ceremony for her father, Melvin Daniels, who died on April 19 at age 84.
A balloon release concludes the annual bereavement ceremony at Gray Health and Rehabilitation in Gray, Ga.
Two years earlier, not long before her mother passed away, McCoullough had realized that her father had dementia. “He was the strong one in our family. … He always took care of us,” she said, explaining that her father’s confusion and hallucinations shook her to her foundation.
“I cry all the time,” McCoullough continued, looking distressed. “It’s like I’m lost without my mom and dad.” But Gray’s ceremony, she said, brought some comfort.
Edna Williams, 75, was among dozens of residents at the event, sitting quietly in her wheelchair.
“I love to recall all the people that have passed away through the year,” said Williams, who sends sympathy cards to family members every time she learns of a fellow resident’s death. On these occasions, Williams said, she’s deeply affected. “I go to my room” and “shed my own private tears” and feel “sadness for what the family has yet to go through,” she said.
Cathy Bass (left) and granddaughter Heaven Melton attended the bereavement ceremony at Gray Health & Rehabilitation in remembrance of Bass’ brother, Timothy Marion Sanders. “I miss him every day,” she says.
Chap Nelson, Gray Health’s administrator, has instituted several policies that Miles’ bereavement guide recommends as best practices. All staff members are taught what to do when a resident dies. When possible, they’re encouraged to attend the off-site funerals. Every death is acknowledged inside the building, rather than hidden away.
If one of his staff members seems distressed, “I go out and find them and talk to them and ask how I can help them with the feelings they may be having,” Nelson said.
Other best practices include offering support to grieving residents and relatives of the deceased, recognizing residents’ bereavement needs in care plans, and having a protocol to prepare bodies for final viewing.
Some facilities go further and create unique rituals. In one Georgia nursing home, staff members’ hands are rubbed with essential oils after a resident’s death, Miles said. In Ontario, Canada, St. Joseph’s Health Centre Guelph holds a “blessing ritual” in the rooms where people pass away.
Fifteen miles away from Gray, in Macon, Ga., Tom Rockenbach runs Carlyle Place, an upscale facility with four levels of care: independent living, assisted living, memory care and skilled nursing services. Altogether, about 325 seniors live there. Last year, 40 died.
“We don’t talk about it enough when someone passes here; we don’t have a formal way of expressing grief as a community,” Rockenbach said, discussing what he learned after Miles organized listening sessions for staff and residents. “There are things I think we could do better.”
When a death occurs at this continuing care retirement community, an electric candle is lit in the parlor, where people go to pick up their mail. If there’s an obituary, it’s placed in a meditation room, often with a sign-in book in which people can write comments.
Since working with Miles, Rockenbach has a keener appreciation for the impact of death and loss. He’s now considering starting a support group for staff and hosting a death cafe for residents where “people could come and hear what other people have gone through and how they got through it.”
Tom Rockenbach (center) is executive director of the Carlyle Place senior living facility in Macon, Ga. Rockenbach is considering starting a support group for staff and hosting a death cafe for residents where “people could come and hear what other people have gone through and how they got through it.”
Tameka Jackson, a licensed practical nurse who has worked at Carlyle Place for eight years, became distraught after the death of one resident, in his 90s, with whom she had grown close.
“Me and him, we were two peas in a pod,” she said, recalling the man’s warmth and sense of humor.
Over time, the old man confided in the nurse that he was tired of living but holding on because he didn’t want family members to suffer. “He would tell me all kinds of things he didn’t want his family to worry about,” Jackson said. “In a way, I became his friend, his nurse and his confidante, all in one.”
One morning, she found his room was bare: He’d died the night before, but no one had thought to call her. Jackson’s eyes filled with tears as she recalled her hurt. “I’m a praying person, and I had to ask God to see me through it,” she said. “I found comfort in knowing he knew I genuinely loved him.”
Jan Peak, 81, was dealing with grief of a different sort in mid-May: Her husband, David Reed, who had rapidly advancing Parkinson’s disease, had recently moved to Carlyle Place’s assisted living section from their independent-living apartment— signaling the end of their time living together.
Like other people at Carlyle Place, Peak had a lot of adjusting to do when she moved into the facility five years ago after her first husband had died. “Lots of people here have come here from somewhere else and given up their homes, their friends and their communities, often after the death of a spouse,” Peak said. “Once you’re here, loss — either your own or someone else’s — is around you continually.”
She found herself turning to David, whose first wife had died of a brain tumor and whom she describes as a “soft, sweet, wise man.” Before they married, they talked openly about what lay ahead, and Peak promised she would carry on.
“No one can stop the heartache that accompanies loss,” but “my friends and family still need me,” she said.
In late May, David sustained a severe head injury after falling and died. “I miss him greatly as we were very happy together,” Peak wrote in an email. “I am doing as well as I can.”
Taboos around death and dying are increasing the risk of elderly patients “on their dying journey” being subjected to unwanted and invasive medical procedures against their wishes, experts say.
Associate Professor Magnolia Cardona, from the Gold Coast’s Bond University, has led a PhD study into the use of rapid response system treatments on elderly hospital patients nearing end of life.
Professor Cardona said the research, published in the Joint Commission Journal on Quality and Public Safety, studied the files of more than 700 patients who received calls for medical emergency teams during hospitalisation at a large Sydney teaching hospital.
A medical emergency team usually consists of two or three specialists from the intensive care unit focused on maintaining life when a patient is in a hospital ward.
The research further focused on patients aged 80 and over, and found that 40 per cent were subjected to invasive procedures such as intubation, intensive monitoring, intravenous medications, transplants and resuscitation attempts.
Ten per cent of those patients already had medical orders in place limiting treatment, or requesting do-not-resuscitate.
“Those orders … are usually issued by their doctors in consultation with families,” Professor Cardona said.
Professor Cardona said the research showed the conflict between increasingly rapid medical advances, public perception of the capabilities of medical experts to revive or prolong life, and the emotive issue of death.
The findings were similar to those of 2017 studies conducted in Europe, but Professor Cardona said the Australian researchers had expected to find a smaller percentage of such incidents.
The research found that elderly patients in their last year of life were frequent users of ambulance and hospital services, including intensive care units, and that health professionals often felt under pressure to administer “aggressive” treatments.
“Health professionals do not always fully discuss a prognosis with families, or may lack the confidence to discuss patients’ preferences for care and treatment at the end of life,” the research said.
“They may decide to continue intensive treatment based on concerns about the family’s legal or emotional reactions, or in an attempt to avoid an in-hospital death, generally perceived as a ‘failure’.”
“Often these frequently heroic medical interventions do not improve patient survival and instead prolong suffering and adversely affect the quality of death.”
The study found that while patients under 80 years of age may benefit from such aggressive techniques, patients over 80 were less likely to benefit.
Professor Cardona also said it was critical that families and elderly people, or people with terminal illnesses, had open conversations about the decisions ahead, and wrote on paper their personal wishes, or appointed someone trusted as their medical representative.
Due to techniques such as CPR being treated as a cure-all on television shows and movies, Professor Cardona said the public often had some misconceptions about the safety and appropriateness of such techniques, particularly for elderly people.
She said the research would hopefully encourage both families and medical professionals to have fresh conversations about patient needs and values, and ensure the wishes of elderly patients were respected as they neared the end of life.
Professor Cardona said she hoped medical professionals could also think critically about the “do no harm” principle when faced with patients facing death of natural causes.
“The conclusion of the study that perhaps clinicians need to take a step back when they identify these flags of imminent death and offer a different alternative of management,” she said.
“That is the pathway of care of comfort care, and that includes giving the patient pain relief, other symptom control, psychosocial support and grief counselling for the families.
“And all of these of course preceded by an honest conversation with the patient and family about the poor prognosis, the inevitability of death and the fact that not every death should be considered a failure.
While nearly all physicians say end-of-life conversations are important, many report lacking the training to have such conversations, according to a brief report published online May 23 in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society.
Terry Fulmer, Ph.D., from the John A. Hartford Foundation in New York City, and colleagues conducted a 37-item telephone survey to measure attitudes and perceptions of barriers and facilitators to advance care planning among 736 physicians (primary care specialists; pulmonology, cardiology, oncology subspecialists) regularly seeing patients aged ≥65 years.
The researchers found that 99 percent of respondents agreed that it is important to have end-of-life conversations, yet only 29 percent reported that they have received formal training for such conversations. Younger physicians and those caring for a racially and ethnically diverse population were more likely to have had training. The strongest motivating factors in having advance care planning conversations were patient values and preferences. The vast majority of respondents (95 percent) reported supporting a new Medicare fee-for-service benefit reimbursing advance care planning. Time was the biggest barrier reported to advance care planning, as well as not wanting a patient to give up hope and feeling uncomfortable.
“Given the gap between what people want at the end of life and the care they receive, we need to build on available training tools and embed them systematically into practice,” the authors write. “Addressing clinician barriers to advance care planning to meet the needs of their older patients and families requires the integration of existing, proven tools into a three-pronged strategy that includes education and training, formal systems, and reimbursement for these critical conversations.”
Defibrillators implanted in the body to kickstart the heart can be lifesaving for some people, but as patients age they may face difficult conversations about when to replace or deactivate the devices.
Conversations about end-of-life care, in particular, can drive a wedge between patients and doctors and create difficult decisions for families, an international team of cardiologists writes in the American Journal of Medicine.
“The standard consent process does not fully inform patients receiving (the device) about all the downstream implications,” said co-author Dr. Arnold Eiser, an adjunct fellow at the Center for Public Health Initiatives at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia and a professor of medicine at Drexel University.
Implantable cardioverter defibrillators (ICDs) differ from pacemakers, which control abnormal heart rhythms. Pacemakers prompt the heart to beat at a normal rate through electrical pulses, whereas ICDs monitor heart rhythms and shock the heart to prevent sudden cardiac arrest.
Older patients may face a difficult choice of when to stop using an ICD, especially if shocks become painful or it continues life longer than desired, said Eiser.
“Downstream decisions include whether the device no longer serves the patient’s best interests,” he told Reuters Health by email. “We believe a well-informed patient is an important aspect of ethical medical practice.”
The informed consent process could prompt this conversation, the study authors note. When patients agree to surgery for a device, they should be aware of the benefits and risks, and the information should be presented in a way that families can easily understand. Current consent forms tend to concentrate on short-term risks and benefits rather than broader device-related issues that may emerge later in life, the authors write.
By talking about advance care planning and next-of-kin choices regarding heart care and treatment options, doctors can document what a patient’s wishes are before facing a clinical crisis at the end of life. Regular conversations during check-ups would help as well.
“It will be better to prepare all parties for the decisions that come into play as the patient’s medical condition changes,” Eiser said. “It is an unusually complex decision, but it’s not always presented in that way.”
The decision-making process should be clarified as well, the authors urge. Older patients often listen to advice from authority figures such as their doctors. This may lead to a bias toward implantation.
Instead, ICD decisions should include the patient’s multifaceted health conditions and the future effects on wellbeing, prognosis and end-of-life, the authors write. The patient’s primary care physician and cardiologist should be included in conversations with the patient and family.
“We have to have an ongoing discussion with these patients about the possibility of deactivation,” said Dr. Annika Kinch-Westerdahl of Danderyds Hospital in Stockholm, Sweden, who wasn’t involved in the essay.
Kinch-Westerdahl and colleagues have studied the high risk of painful shocks ICD patients may feel near the end-of-life. They’ve also researched what cardiology, internal medicine and geriatric specialists understand about ICDs. Although cardiologists were well-versed in the risks and benefits, most internal medicine and geriatric doctors needed more training.
“We need to support our patients in their choices throughout their lifespans, not only at a point when they have to accept a new treatment – but also when it is time to terminate an existing treatment,” she told Reuters Health by email.
To maintain communication with ICD patients and their families, primary and cardiac care teams should appoint a doctor to stay in touch and regularly check on the patient’s decisions. Systems should be in place in primary care and specialist offices to make sure staff know how to manage ICD devices, talk about them, and reprogram or deactivate them when needed, the authors write.
“It’s important that patients are aware that turning it off is an option, especially as their goals of care shift to the end-of-life,” said Dr. Rachel Lampert of the Yale School of Medicine in New Haven, Connecticut, who wasn’t involved in the paper.
“The important question is how to improve communication between patients and their physicians,” she told Reuters Health by phone. “We all need to feel comfortable talking about it.”
[H]awaii recently joined the growing number of states and countries where doctor-assisted dying is legal. In these jurisdictions, help to die is rarely extended to those who don’t have a terminal illness. Yet, increasingly, very old people, without a terminal illness, who feel that they have lived too long, are arguing that they also have a right to such assistance.
Media coverage of David Goodall, the 104-year-old Australian scientist who travelled to Switzerland for assisted dying, demonstrates the level of public interest in ethical dilemmas at the extremities of life. Goodall wanted to die because he no longer enjoyed life. Shortly before his death, he told reporters that he spends most of his day just sitting. “What’s the use of that?” he asked.
Research shows that life can be a constant struggle for the very old, with social connections hard to sustain and health increasingly fragile. Studies looking specifically at the motivation for assisted dying among the very old show that many feel a deep sense of loneliness, tiredness, an inability to express their individuality by taking part in activities that are important to them, and a hatred of dependency.
Of the jurisdictions where assisted dying is legal, some make suffering the determinant (Canada, for example). Others require a prognosis of six months (California, for example). Mainly, though, the focus is on people who have a terminal illness because it is seen as less of an ethical problem to hasten the death of someone who is already dying than someone who is simply tired of life.
Why give precedence to physical suffering?
Assisted dying for people with psychological or existential reasons for wanting to end their life is unlikely to be supported by doctors because it is not objectively verifiable and also potentially remediable. In the Netherlands, despite the legal power to offer assistance where there is no life-limiting illness, doctors are seldom convinced of the unbearable nature of non-physical suffering, and so will rarely administer a lethal dose in such cases.
Although doctors may look to a physical diagnosis to give them confidence in their decision to hasten a patient’s death, physical symptoms are often not mentioned by the people they are assisting. Instead, the most common reason given by those who have received help to die is loss of autonomy. Other common reasons are to avoid burdening others and not being able to enjoy one’s life – the exact same reason given by Goodall. This suggests that requests from people with terminal illness, and from those who are just very old and ready to go, are not as different as both the law – and doctors’ interpretation of the law – claim them to be.
Sympathetic coverage
It seems that the general public does not draw a clear distinction either. Most of the media coverage of Goodall’s journey to Switzerland was sympathetic, to the dismay of opponents of assisted dying.
Media reports about ageing celebrities endorsing assisted dying in cases of both terminal illness and very old age, blur the distinction still further.
One of the reasons for this categorical confusion is that, at root, this debate is about what a good death looks like, and this doesn’t rely on prognosis; it relies on personality. And, it’s worth remembering, the personalities of the very old are as diverse as those of the very young.
David Goodall died listening to Beethoven’s Ode to Joy.
Discussion of assisted suicide often focuses on concerns that some older people may be exposed to coercion by carers or family members. But older people also play another role in this debate. They make up the rank and file activists of the global right-to-die movement. In this conflict of rights, protectionist impulses conflict with these older activists’ demands to die on their own terms and at a time of their own choosing.
In light of the unprecedented ageing of the world’s population and increasing longevity, it is important to think about what a good death looks like in deep old age. In an era when more jurisdictions are passing laws to permit doctor-assisted dying, the choreographed death of a 104-year-old, who died listening to Ode to Joy after enjoying a last fish supper, starts to look like a socially approved good death.
A loss of independence is a fear many seniors have. When this fear is realized, there are several ways caregivers need to help. According to an AARP study conducted in 2012, 57% of seniors over age 70 do not find it easy to live alone and need help with daily tasks. This loss of independence can have a toll on senior’s psychological and physical well-being. Most people begin to live and perform daily life tasks independently by the age of 20. About 50 years later, many find that independence is no longer safe or viable. The loss of independence seniors face can often result if grieving, frustration, and other emotional upset. Caregivers can help seniors by understanding the process.
Types of Independence Seniors May Lose
As seniors’ bodies and/or minds degenerate, they can experience a variety of types of losses. Their independence can be impacted in ways that change their lifestyles and even their understanding of the world. Some types of independence seniors may lose include: • Mobility • Ability to live alone • Memory • Comprehension/decision-making skills • Strength to perform daily tasks • Energy to clean or cook • Social life • Sight • Hearing
How to Help Seniors Cope with Increased Dependency
Relying on other people’s assistance for basic tasks like bathing or common activities like driving can be frightening and frustrating for seniors. With the loss of independence, seniors also tend to lose some control over their schedule, freedom, preferences, and more. Caregivers can help make decreased independence more bearable using strategies like these:
Maintain a Standard of Dignity
Requiring assistance with activities like bathing or shopping does not mean that seniors need to give up their dignity. Caregivers should always guard seniors’ privacy. It is also wise to use the terms a senior does when referencing body parts, activities, or even hygiene products.
Ask Instead of Telling
Caregiving for someone who has lost a type of independence is a supportive role, not a leading role. Caregivers should ask seniors about their preferences, needs, etc., instead of telling them. For example, if a senior cannot cook for themselves, a caregiver should ask for input for meal planning. Give Options for Caregiving Since dependence requires trust and can be very personal in nature, it is important for seniors to have choices. Learn if a senior prefers same-sex caregivers, certain routines, etc.
Stay Organized and Consistent
Dependence means a loss of control. Seniors have to wait on others for assistance, which can be stressful. Caregivers should remain consistent in their routine so that seniors don’t need to be anxious about when or how their care will be provided. Organize necessary materials so they are accessible to seniors who cannot mobilize independently as well.
Offer Reminders That You Can Be Counted On
Depending on other people for help, especially with essential tasks, requires trust. This can cause seniors anxiety and stress. Remind a nervous senior that he or she is in good hands and is being taken care of to assuage their fears.
Ask Instead of Telling
Caregiving for someone who has lost a type of independence is a supportive role, not a leading role. Caregivers should ask seniors about their preferences, needs, etc., instead of telling them. For example, if a senior cannot cook for themselves, a caregiver should ask for input for meal planning.
