[P]eople don’t generally think about how they want to celebrate the inevitable, but a few do. They may want a traditional party or they may want something more unusual: A sky burial in the mountains, a Viking funeral by a lake or if they’re really into history, they may want to get mummified.
If you’re among the few, you may want to rethink your options. But before we go into the why, let’s review some of these funeral practices.
What is a sky burial, a Viking funeral and mummification?
A sky burial, also known as a celestial funeral, is a simple practice in Tibetan culture where a corpse is left on a mountaintop to be devoured by birds of prey.
According to Tibet Vista, in Tibetan Buddhism philosophy it is believed that if vultures feed off the dead body, the dead has no sin and that their soul has gone peacefully into the heavens.
Strangers are not allowed to attend the ceremony and family members are not allowed to be present at the burial site.
A Viking (Norse) funeral is generally thought to have been the preferred method for disposing of a body in the Nordic countries. Legend has it that warriors and other high-ranking people were sent sailing away and were set ablaze so that their bodies had a higher chance of reaching Valhalla.
We said “legend” because that’s not how Nordic peoples disposed of their dead. Yes, it is true – you’ve been fooled by Hollywood once again.
Norse funerals actually involved making burial plots shaped as ships marked by stones, according to TheFuneralSource.
Cremation did take place, but it did not involve a boat sailing into the sunset.
The deceased were also disposed of with their goods they used in life, so they could use this in the afterlife.
Mummification is the process by which the skin and flesh of a dead person can be preserved for thousands of years, as was the case with pharaohs in ancient Egypt.
While the practice has died out, a company in Utah is offering “modern mummification” and not just for you – your pet can also join you in the afterlife if you so desire.
Tough luck, Colorado
If you left a mark in life and wanted to leave one in death, you may not want to have your body disposed of in the state of Colorado.
“Final disposition” of a body is defined by Colorado law as disposing of human remains by means of “entombment, burial, cremation, or removal from the state.”
Nowhere in the law is it stated that you are allowed to have a sky burial, a “Viking funeral” or get mummified by your relatives.
Allowed burial practices in the state of Colorado
There is no law that prevents you from burying a loved one on private property. But – there’s always a but – the burials must be recorded with your local county clerk 30 days after the burial has taken place.
Check with your county clerk before taking this step.
The same goes for scattering ashes – you must check with your local city and county offices to see what the regulations are and if you can proceed with the decedent’s wishes.
Want to scatter ashes in national lands, like Rocky Mountain National Park? It is allowed! But you have to have a permit to do so.
Green burials, a growing trend in Colorado
Less costly goodbyes known as “green burials” are growing in popularity in Colorado.
Natural Funeral, a Lafayette-based funeral service business, is helping people die as naturally as possible with minimal impact to the earth.
So what’s a green burial or natural funeral? It involves having the body placed directly into the ground in a pine casket or shroud. There is no fancy headstone, concrete vault, or costly casket. Instead, the company uses flat granite markers.
An Illinois couple married for 69 years have died within an hour of each other, family members tell US media.
Till death do us part: The couple first met in their native Argentina
Isaac Vatkin, 91, was holding the hand of his wife Teresa, 89, as she succumbed to Alzheimer’s disease on Saturday, the Daily Herald reported.
Isaac died 40 minutes later. Family members said they took comfort in knowing they were together at the end.
“You didn’t want to see them go,” said grandson William Vatkin, “but you couldn’t ask for anything more.”
The Vatkins sparkle on their wedding day
“Their love for each other was so strong, they simply could not live without each other,” said daughter Clara Gesklin at the couple’s joint funeral.
“They were always in love, literally to the end. To the last second,” said Rabbi Barry Schechter, who led the service at the Shalom Memorial Funeral Home in the Chicago suburb of Arlington Heights.
Staff at the local Highland Park Hospital found Mr and Mrs Vatkin unresponsive and breathing shallowly on Saturday and chose to place their beds side by side.
Family members positioned their hands so they touched.
The couple raised three children in Skokie, Illinois, and had a close relationship with their grandchildren, family members said.
Mr Vatkin had been a kosher meat distributor and Mrs Vatkin a homemaker and manicurist.
South Vietnamese funerals often include street performers such as fire eaters and snake handlers. Here a brass band watches as a performance takes place.
[G]iven the long and diverse history of human kind, it’s remarkable how alike customs can be in different parts of the planet.
That’s the idea behind a new exhibit at the Minneapolis Institute of Art opening this weekend. The show is built around a movie called “The Living Need Light, the Dead Need Music.”
That title is an almost direct translation of a Vietnamese phrase, said Tuan Andrew Nguyen, whose artist collective called the Propeller Group made the 20 minute film.
He said the title captures the essence of Vietnamese funeral practices.
“These ceremonies have to be lively and have a lot of music,” he said.
The Propeller Group film includes a well-known Vietnamese brass band which performs at funerals. For the film the group had them march in unusual places including mud flats.
Music at those funerals often comes from brass bands. And Nguyen, who spent part of his childhood in the U.S., said they reminded him of New Orleans jazz funerals, and that got it got him thinking.
“We found this really interesting kind of overlap between the two cultures that don’t speak to each other directly, yet they have like very similar ways of celebrating death,” Nguyen said.
That is part of the thinking behind “The Living Need Light, the Dead need Music.” The film is beautiful, engaging, and sometimes disturbing. It features many of the performers hired for funerals in Vietnam: professional mourners, acrobats, martial artists, fire eaters, snake handlers.
“For us, it’s about making a film that pays homage to the people that labor around the idea of death, “said Nguyen.
A central character in the film is Sam, a transgender woman. Transgender people often perform at Vietnamese funerals, one of the few places where they are welcomed.
While the Propeller Group is an artistic collective based in Ho Chi Minh City, Nguyen said, it initially described itself as an ad agency so it could get around government restrictions on film making.
Propeller described its early work as music videos, and it’s a term Nguyen uses for this work too.
“The film kind of sits on the edge of being documentary and fiction,” he said.
Minneapolis Institute of Art Photography and New Media Curator Yasufumi Nakamori said that was attractive to him. He realized he could build a show around the film using Mia’s vast collections.
“I invited them to collaborate with the museum, for them to select the objects and create the installations” Nakamori said.
Starting with the collection’s database, Nakamori and the Propeller Group searched for objects that reflected the ideas and artifacts in the film.
Minneapolis Institute of Art Curator of Photography and New Media Yasufumi Nakamori, left, and Propeller Group member Tuan Andrew Nguyen pose with a 10th century Chinese funerary mask. It’s at the entrance of the latest New Pictures exhibit at the Institute, which is based around a movie the Propeller Group made on Vietnamese funeral practices. The exhibit also includes artifacts from the museum’s collection and sculptures created by the Propeller Group. These include funerary masks of members of the Propeller Group, including Nguyen, created using 3D printers.
They gathered pieces from the Asian, African, Native American and classical collections, including a 4,000-year-old Egyptian model boat. It’s believed to be the oldest object in the Institute’s holdings.
As visitors enter the gallery, they see the film, playing continuously at the far end of the room. The objects stretch out towards the screen like a funeral cortege.
Mixed in with them are sculptures the Propeller Group made to build commonalities with the movie. A sixth century Buddha figure is surrounded by a gilded ring of fire similar to a scene in the film.
Also like in the film, there’s a huge ouroboros — or a ring formed by snakes, latching on to each other’s tails.
For the New Pictures show, Nguyen and Nakamori searched the Institute archive for pieces from cultures around the world with similarities to the images in the Propeller Group film.
The final effect of the show is somehow both alien and utterly familiar. Nakamori hopes visitors will recognizes the ideas if not the objects.
“I don’t want it to be just this exotic film from South Vietnam,” he said. “Rather I want a viewer to connect with their own lives.”
One example hangs on the wall at the entrance to the show: a 1,000-year-old gilt bronze funerary mask of a young woman. After seeing it Nguyen and another Propeller Group member had their own masks made using 3D imaging. They hang on the wall nearby.
“In these days and times where the selfie and the way that people imagine themselves and their portrait becomes so prevalent,” he said, “we wanted to rethink that.”
As Nguyen stood looking at his own death mask, he quietly said, “it’s surreal.”
There were about 150 people at my father’s memorial service.
[S]tanding in the receiving line afterward it seemed like every conversation, whether it was with an old friend or a total stranger, began with the exact same phrase, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Most conversations didn’t go far beyond that, partly because there’s not much to say in response except, “thank you.”
A few people managed to mix in another platitude like, “He’s in a better place now” or, “At least his suffering is over,” but it all started to sound like a broken record pretty quickly; one that I had heard many times before, seen played out in movies and even unknowingly participated in myself. Now it was being played for me at one of the most painful moments of my life, and the hollowness of that experience would literally change my course forever.
Why do so many of us struggle with what to say to someone who is grieving?
Perhaps it’s because of our cultural death phobia, and the way it pathologizes everything related to sadness. If we’re not better at dealing with grief, then it’s because we’ve never been taught better. Unfortunately, that leaves the majority of people with only one stock phrase in their repertoire, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Grieving Needs More than Clichés.
One problem is simply the overwhelming use of this one phrase, while simultaneously reserving it almost exclusively for the family. It seems as the close friends aren’t really grieving at all, while family members get the idea of loss hammered into them over and over.
Saying, “I’m sorry for your loss” is a bit like the cashier saying, “Have a nice day,” at the convenience store. It betrays a lack of original thought and is so pervasive it has become irritating for many.
When responses are this programmed, how sincere is the sentiment? As more people start to become irritated by it, choosing this particular phrase because it feels “safe” isn’t really that safe anymore.
Clarity Works. Euphemisms Don’t.
Using the language of loss as a euphemism for death is one of many ways in which our culture conceals the reality of death, perpetuates our phobias about it, and keeps us trapped. Spoken by a griever, “I lost my mother in 2015” is being used to avoid saying the word “died.” Spoken to a griever it expresses pity combined with distancing, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
The problem is that it’s linguistically incorrect. The verb “to lose” is active, something we do. The reality of grief is that someone else died. You didn’t lose them in the same way you would lose your car keys or your wallet, and depending on your religious convictions you may not feel like you lost them at all.
For most of my life, I definitely thought of deceased loved ones as lost because I was well trained by the culture to do so. Visiting a Native American friend one day I said something about losing someone and my friend responded, “You don’t have to lose someone just because they died.”
That was the first time I was exposed to the idea that it’s possible to live in the presence of the dead, not as frightening ghosts, but as honored members of the clan.
These days I’ve become accustomed to drawing comfort from the idea that I’m living in the presence of departed loved ones. Actually, speaking to them in quiet moments when I’m alone is one of several key components—like meditation, being in nature or remembering special occasions—I use to process my grief whenever it shows up. Whether one wishes to think about that in terms of psychology or in terms of the spiritual language, it seems completely irrelevant. All I know is that I find it helpful.
It’s the Wrong Mental Programming.
Experts in the field of grief care (Stephen Jenkinson, for example) are starting to recommend using the language of suffering, healing, and overcoming challenges instead. The language of loss refutes the notion that there might be an upside to grief, a spiritual deepening that can result from being exposed to something that’s an inevitable consequence of being born and choosing to love each other. By shifting to the language of suffering, healing, and overcoming challenges instead, death and grieving can once again become the redemptive processes I’ve come to believe they were always meant to be.
After personally experiencing the old cliché and its real world application thousands of times over several decades, I remember quite vividly the first time someone said, “I’m sorry for your suffering. I’m here with you.”
How different those words felt!
I immediately knew the stranger sitting next to me on a park bench somehow understood something that had been missed by all the close friends and family who had been sorry for my loss, but not present with my suffering.
Firstly, she knew I was suffering, and her use of the word “sorry” came across as authentic compassion rather than pity. Second, there was no distancing or avoidance in the way she said it. She knew what I needed most: validation of my grief and someone willing to listen, even if that meant listening through some tears. Best of all there was no judgment.
The Challenges Ahead.
Significant numbers of people are starting to open up about their dissatisfaction with this worn out cliché. Others seem almost determined to defend it as the ultimate expression of sympathy. What the defenders don’t seem to understand is that no one will ever be offended or hurt by not saying, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
For those wanting to improve their grief communication by eliminating clichés with more accurate, helpful, and authentic responses, but still aren’t sure what to say, here are a few other choices in no particular order. These are just a few of the many options available, and they can be combined in various ways to make them both personal and appropriate.
1. I’m sorry you’re suffering right now, but I’m here with you and willing to help any way I can. Is there anything you need right now?
2. I’m sorry for whatever challenges might lie ahead for you, but I’m here and willing to help. Would it be okay if I call next week just to check in with you?
3. Please accept my deepest condolences. I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now, but I know enough about grief to know that it can be very challenging. Don’t hesitate to call me if there’s anything I can do to help.
4. I’m so sorry to hear about _____. I’m sure you’re going to miss him/her terribly. How are you holding up?
5. I know there’s nothing I can say right now to make things better, but I also know that having someone to talk to at times like this is really important, so don’t hesitate to call me whenever you need to.
Follow any of those with what you loved most about the deceased or tell a story about a favorite memory of them, and I think most people will be pleased with the deep level of connection that’s instantly created. I’m absolutely certain the bereft will feel less isolated and better supported.
One reason is that the phrases above easily open into longer conversations, while “I’m sorry for your loss” tends to shut them down. In some cases, it’s even appropriate to simply remain silent and offer them a deeply heartfelt hug instead.
Most important of all is just being willing to listen and be present.
You were born. You will die. And now, thanks to the internet, you’ll be publicly mourned.
Loved ones will change their profile pictures to photos of you. Stories will be shared on Facebook, Twitter, Weibo, VK. People may even snap selfies of themselves attending your funeral.
As familiar as we’ve become with the digital world, we’re still in the midst of adapting to our emotion-filled existences lived online. As social media evolves, we’re changing the ways we interact. The result: new etiquettes and new normals for every aspect of the human experience.
Even mourning.
“Over millennia, different communications media have affected and influenced how people relate to the dead,” says Tony Walter, professor of death studies at the University of Bath. “I see online mourning as the latest chapter in a story with a very long history and prehistory.”
Walter has tracked the evolution of grief back to the Stone Age. From the development of writing and mass literacy to photography and the recording of sounds and images, all had an identifiable effect on how we mourn.
Some academics see a strong parallel between grief on the internet and the advent of photography in the 19th century.
“That was revolutionary, this idea that you could have an image of the deceased,” says John Troyer, director of the Centre for Death and Society at the University of Bath. He’s also a member of the Order of the Good Death, a group of funerary professionals, academics and artists working to demystify death in a culture that fears it.
“Any new technology that gets used when it comes to death will almost always cause a momentary panic or freak-out,” he says. “Whatever the technology is, it just seems inappropriate.”
Post-mortem photos are considered shocking now in western culture, but there’s an ancient precedent for the practice. Taking likenesses from the bodies of the dead dates back at least to Roman times, when death masks were cast in wax. The masks would then be displayed at home and sometimes worn at funerals.
Nipper the dog, now recognised as the mascot for audio label HMV, was originally painted listening to an Edison phonograph recording — as he sits perched atop a coffin. One of the technology’s imagined uses would be the preservation of the voices of the dead.
A form of the Roman tradition of wearing the masks has returned on Facebook, where users in mourning often change their profile photos to those of lost loved ones.
The practice is also reminiscent of Georgians wearing black armbands, which served as visual signals the wearer was bereaved. Grief, experts say, used to be expressed in public.
In the modern world, however, our lives allow only so much time to mourn. Jobs keep us busy, families are on schedules. In the US, the situation is exacerbated because there is no federal bereavement law allowing people time off to grieve.
“I really believe that a lot of these social media mourning rituals are popping up because people aren’t able to mourn in public spaces the way that they used to,” says Candi Cann, an assistant professor at Baylor University and author of “Virtual Afterlives: Grieving the Dead in the Twenty-First Century.” “People have this need to be recognised as grievers.”
The portable tombstone
We’ve always talked to the dead.
Since the invention of the phonograph in 1877, people imagined audio recordings would be used to capture loved ones’ final words and preserve the voices of those departed. In private moments, we might even respond with “I miss you,” “I wish you were here,” or “You always knew what to do.”
This kind of talk has now made its way onto the internet. A message posted to a dead friend or a remembrance on a birthday demonstrates someone’s memory lives on.
Social media lets you address the dead directly and demonstrate that their memory lives on.
“When people would go and visit the tombstone and they would talk to the deceased, now you’re seeing that on the internet,” says Cann. “It’s essentially this portable tombstone.”
Social media gives us the illusion that the dead are still among the living. You can go to a Facebook or Twitter profile to read the person’s posts and look at their photographs. You can address them directly and post on their timeline.
“Most people will address the dead directly in the second person,” the University of Bath’s Walter says. “They do it knowing other people are going to read this, which is really interesting because if you’re writing to somebody it sort of implies they’re there and in some kind of way hearing this or receiving it.”
I Was Here
One of the most contentious issues around online grieving is the funeral selfie. It’s just what it sounds like.
Mourners pull out their phones, snap photos of themselves and other bereaved, and post to their favorite social media sites. To many, it seems gauche, even self-centered. It’s the latest example of a new death practice and it feels shocking to some people. A famous Tumblr even documented the trend until 2013, when it stopped updating.
“I think it was just an easy way for adults to tut at youth, like, ‘My God what are the kids doing, the kids these days are being corrupted by the technology,'” Troyer says. “I’d be more surprised if younger people weren’t taking selfies at funerals, because that’s what the phone has turned into.”
For a generation that’s grown up with phones and social networking, Cann says the selfie is just another component of their visual diaries. She says she’s seen that in her own daughter, who had surgery when she was 6 years old and asked to have her photo taken as soon as the operation was over. She wanted to document that moment.
Funeral selfies are just another entry in what are public diaries. They say, “I’m here and this is an important moment in my life.”
The complicated deaths
There are much darker taboos than whether it’s acceptable to snap a selfie at Gran’s funeral, like the deaths no one wants to talk about. Miscarriage, sudden death, suicide, voluntary euthanasia.
These are “complicated deaths,” says The Order of the Good Death’s Sarah Chavez, who also co-founded Death and the Maiden and helps run Death Salon. Unlike the sad but expected death of an older person or an ill patient, these can be controversial endings that make people uncomfortable. The response to these deaths can be very different.
Rather than an outpouring of support, the bereaved can feel isolated — and sometimes worse, Chavez says, speaking from experience.
Three years ago, Chavez’s unborn child was diagnosed with a fatal disease. When she told anyone, even medical professionals, the reaction was same.
“From dealing with decisions to counselors to specialists to anybody who I told, there was an immediate recoil,” Chavez says. “No one wanted to face me or deal with me.”
People mourning these deaths may look to social media, hoping to find people who’ve experienced similar traumas. Online social groups also provide a barometer to see how people will react.
It’s not always for the better.
Chavez said she scoured the internet for people who had experiences similar to hers. She found few. And those who posted their experiences overwhelmingly faced hostility.
A woman she knew gave birth to a stillborn child and, in her grief, got a tattoo of the child’s scan. She then took a photo and posted it to social media.
The response, from hundreds of people, was devastating.
People berated the mother, telling her “she should go die,” Chavez recalls. “Somebody actually said, ‘This is creepy wrong shit’.”
That’s changing, if slowly.
Private, safe forums have sprung up. Facebook groups have been created for people processing these deaths to seek support from others feeling the same emotions.
“Social media has really created this space for marginalized communities,” Chavez says. “It can make people feel like they’re not alone, there are others out there that are grieving with them, or are hurting, or are angry, or whatever those emotions are.”
Sun setting on gravestones at Abney Park Cemetery in London.
Etiquette in all things
So how should you respond to bereavement online? It’s not very different from how you’d respond offline, says Daniel Senning, a manners expert and spokesperson at the Emily Post Institute, an etiquette organisation.
“The first major faux pas that often happens is that you don’t want to scoop the news,” Senning says, noting that information travels fast on social media. “You don’t want to precede the family’s announcement onto social media if you can help it.”
Those close to the deceased should be told in person, but social media is appropriate for making sure a person’s wider circle sees the news.
As for offering condolences, Senning says there’s nothing wrong with responding to the news of a death in the medium you heard it. But that doesn’t mean you have to.
Senning says a handwritten condolence note carries the most weight. “In today’s rich communication environment, in making the choice to send a handwritten note, the medium itself becomes part of the message,” he says.
The more things change…
As it always has, the way we mourn is evolving. The internet is democratizing grief, even if the technology leaves us uncertain. But it always has, if that’s any consolation.
“These are just new norms or evolving ones, some of which are quite old and some of which look brand new,” the University of Bath’s Walter says. “It’s difficult for people to kind of negotiate this terrain. But I think it always was.”
[A] chimpanzee has been filmed using tools to apparently clean the corpse of its adopted offspring, the first hint that animals other than humans may have mortuary practices.
The female, Noel, was seen at the Chimfunshi Wildlife Orphanage Trust in Zambia using a stem of grass to remove debris from the teeth of a nine-year-old male, Thomas, which she had looked after since the death of its mother four years earlier.
She was one of a number of chimps that surrounded the body for around 20 minutes, gently touching and sniffing Thomas despite offers of food to lure them away. Noel stayed on its own to clean the teeth of its adopted son, even when the others had left.
Dr. Edwin van Leeuwen, of St. Andrews University, lead author of the study, published in the journal Scientific Reports, said: “Noel approached Thomas’s body, sat down close to his head, turned her upper body sideways to select a hard piece of grass, put the grass in her mouth, and opened Thomas’ mouth with both of her hands.
Chimpanzees gather around the body of Thomas, a nine-year-old who died of pneumonia.
“Then she wrapped her fingers around Thomas’s chin and jaw, and used her thumbs to explore his teeth. After three seconds, she took the grass out of her mouth with her right hand, while maintaining focused grip on Thomas’s mouth with her left hand, and started to meticulously poke the grass in the same dental area as where her thumbs had been.
“This behaviour has never been reported in chimpanzees or any other non-human animal species. Chimpanzees may form long-lasting social bonds and like humans, may handle corpses in a socially meaningful way.”
Nina, Noel’s adolescent daughter, stayed at its mother’s side and observed the cleaning efforts.
The researchers say Noel might have been trying to understand how Thomas had died. She was seen tasting the debris she picked from his teeth. A post mortem found Thomas had most likely died from a combination of a viral and bacterial lung infection.
“How we treat the dead says an awful lot about how we live. For the strong and able to serve the helpless dead, to honor frail remains, reaches deep inside us to something basic to humanity.” -Paul Gregory Alms
By Brett & Kate McKay
Funeral etiquette. Unless you’re preparing to attend a funeral, it’s a subject that almost never crosses your mind. As a younger person, funerals tend to be few and far between. It’s possible to make it into your 20s without ever attending one. The sporadic nature of funerals, and the general absence of discussion of the subject in our culture, makes it hard to learn what’s expected in terms of proper behavior. You just muddle through each funeral, hoping you’re doing the right thing, and then muddle through it again the next time.
But being a gentleman of tact, respect, and sensitivity is never more important than at the occasion of someone’s death. Instead of adding distractions and stress to the already grievously burdened, be a source of great comfort. People are at their most fragile, and your job as a man of honor is to be supportive and dignified.
Condolence Visits
If you are a family member or close friend of the family of the deceased, pay a visit to their home to express your sympathy and offer your help.
Before a wake, bring over a platter of cold cuts and rolls; the family will be hungry afterwards and not want to cook. Or bring over some pastries that they can eat on the morning of the funeral. You can also offer to watch the kiddos while they run some errands. It seems like the women folk often take on these responsibilities, but there’s no reason that the modern man can’t also lend a hand.
During your visits, it’s appropriate to offer your sympathy and share your fond memories of the deceased. There’s no need to stay too long; if it seems that you’re actually getting in the way, then drop off what you brought, chat for a few minutes and leave. Of course, if they’re alone and clearly need a listening ear, then stay longer.
If you don’t feel close enough to the deceased’s family to come to their home, wait until the wake to offer your personal condolences.
Flowers
Sending flowers is a traditional way to express your condolences. You can send flowers to the funeral home, to the church, or to the deceased’s family’s home. The card attached to the flowers should read, “With Deepest Sympathy” along with your name. If you’re sending them to the church itself for use in the service, include “For the funeral of ____” on the address. Some families ask for donations in lieu of flowers, and you should honor this request.
When it comes to sending flowers and different faith traditions, there are some considerations to be aware of:
Some Protestant churches use only one flower arrangement-offered by the family-in the service.
Do not send flowers to an Orthodox Jewish service. The policy amongst Reform and Conservative Jews varies.
For a Catholic family, consider getting the family a mass card in lieu of flowers. You don’t have to be Catholic to get a mass card. You make a donation to the Church, and in turn, the Church promises to say prayers or a mass on behalf of the soul of the deceased. The mass card says when the mass will take place, and you can give the card to the deceased family. For fellow Catholics, purchasing a mass card is a gesture of faith, compassion, and solidarity. For non-Catholics, sending a mass card shows your understanding, respect, and thoughtfulness.
The Wake
A wake takes place before the actual funeral service and is usually held in the evening. If you cannot make it to the funeral, it is a good opportunity to come and support the deceased’s family. The wake may be held in someone’s home or at the funeral parlor. When you arrive, first offer your sympathy to the grieving family. This is the reason for the wake, really. It gives the family an opportunity to hear from family and loved ones when they’re prepared to deal with it and in the grieving mindset. They get it all over in a night instead of having people offering their condolences at work, at the gym, and at the grocery store-over and over, in places where they’d rather not have the emotion come rushing back and hit them like a ton of bricks.
Unless you’re close to the family, be sure to clearly introduce yourself to them and tell them how you know the deceased. Don’t leave them awkwardly trying to place who you are.
Don’t worry about not knowing what to say or being emotional. Neither eloquence nor stoicism is expected.
If the casket is present, take a moment to stand by it, saying a prayer or thinking of the deceased’s life. Then you may mingle with the other guests. You don’t have to stay too long-just long enough to make your presence felt and pay your respects. Be sure to sign the register with your name and address before you head out, as the family may wish to look it over later and/or send you a note of thanks.
The Funeral
Should You Come?
Unless the death notice that appears in the paper says that the funeral is private, or you hear that it is such, any of the deceased’s acquaintances, friends, co-workers, and family can attend the funeral.
If you’re the divorced husband of the deceased, you should almost always come. The same for the passing of an ex-girlfriend with whom you had a long or meaningful relationship. Unless the acrimony between you and your former love (or her family) approaches the level of the Hatfields and McCoys, and your presence would cause them further grief, or you hear specifically from the family that you are not welcome, attending the funeral is entirely appropriate. In times of grief, old differences are forgotten and all that matters is that you were once an important person in the deceased’s life. Be warm and supportive and don’t bring up any bad blood.
“Always go to the funeral” is an excellent motto for a man to adopt. Yes, going to funerals isn’t fun. They can be boring, somber, inconvenient and emotional affairs. You may feel awkward. But fun is the yardstick that boys use to make decisions. When you become a man, you do things because they’re right and good, and because your desire to serve others supersedes your own comfort.
It may be tempting to rationalize that the person is dead and won’t know if you’re there or not. But funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living. One of the few comforts available to the grieving is to see a full church, the pews packed with people who also care for and remember the deceased. There is power in that show of humanity. The family knows that attending a funeral is inconvenient, and that’s why they’ll never forget that you came anyway.
If you absolutely cannot come to the funeral, be sure to write the family of the deceased a sympathy note which includes your regret on not being able to make it.
Where to Sit
There’s kind of a progressive seating pattern with funerals; family sits in the first pews, followed by close friends, with acquaintances and co-workers farther back.
Dress Code
When we think of funerals, the first image that often leaps to mind is that of people dressed in black. While black is still the traditional color for funerals, this standard has loosened up in modern times to include other dark, conservative clothing. Still, the best way to go is donning a black suit, white shirt, conservative tie, and well-shined black shoes.
I know there are contingents of men who generally don’t see the point in dressing up and believe that real men dress however they want. But this is one time where no matter how rebellious you fancy yourself, you need to sack up and put on your best duds. Death is life’s most solemn occasion, and the inability to put aside comfort and personal preference to show your utmost respect for the end of a life is inexcusable.
Being a Pallbearer
Being a pallbearer is a traditionally male job. The family will typically choose six men to attend the casket (sometimes “honorary pallbearers” -who have a strictly symbolic role-are also chosen). The invitation to be a pallbearer is a great honor and one you cannot refuse except for the most serious of reasons. It’s like the somber flip side of being asked to be a groomsmen.
The job of the pallbearer was once a functional one; they were charged with carrying the coffin from the church to the cemetery. Now the role is almost entirely symbolic. The casket is typically set on a rolling cart, and you just put your hand on it as it rolls, only lifting it up when it is time to load and unload it from the hearse.
If you are chosen to be a pallbearer, come to funeral about 30 minutes early and find the funeral director. He or she will gives you instructions on what will be expected of you-where to gather, when to come into the church, and in which row to sit.
You should be dressed well at a funeral anyway, but if you are asked to be a pallbearer, make an extra effort to look presentable and respectful.
Perhaps the most famous historical pallbearer story involves Southern Civil War General Joseph E. Johnston. Johnston had surrendered to General Sherman at the end of the war and had been so impressed with that man’s magnanimity that he would not allow an unkind thing to be said about his former enemy for the rest of his life. When Sherman died, Johnston was asked to be a pallbearer in the General’s funeral. As is common for a public figure, Sherman’s funeral procession proceeded through the streets of New York City. Johnston walked alongside the casket with his hat in his hand. The freezing temperatures and rain caused fellow mourners to advise Johnston to return his hat to his head. Johnston replied, “If I were in his place and he standing here in mine, he would not put on his hat.” He soon came down with pneumonia and died several week’s later.
Be sure to check out this excellent article on the symbolic importance of being a pallbearer.
Additional Considerations
It should go without saying, but for the love of TR, turn off your cell phone during the funeral. Don’t be texting and checking your Blackberry during the service. This is the very last time this person will ask for your undivided attention. Also, having your Lil Wayne ringtone go off during the eulogy will brand you a cad for life.
Be civil, don’t come in late, don’t leave early. If you come with kids, and they cause a fuss, take em’ outside.
Driving in the Funeral Procession
Funeral processions are one of the few remaining outward signs of death in this society.
After the funeral, everyone will get in their cars and proceed as a group to the cemetery. The cars will follow behind the hearse. Turn on your headlights and emergency blinkers and closely follow the car in front of you. The procession will drive slower than the speed limit. If the procession starts through a light while it’s green and it turns red by the time you get to it, keep on going. State laws allow funeral processions to drive through red lights and stop signs.
As a normal driver, when you come upon a funeral procession, do your best to let them pass and stay together. Don’t try to cut into the procession. If safe, pull to the side of the road and let the line keep going. In the old days, men got out of their cars and doffed their hats while the procession passed. Probably too dangerous on our modern thoroughfares, but a nice thought.
Post Funeral Luncheon
Many families host a luncheon at their home after the graveside service. It’s a time to be a little more light hearted than is expected at the wake or funeral and share a laugh as you reminisce about the deceased.
Follow-Up
Perhaps the most important part of “funeral etiquette” is not to let your consideration for those in mourning be a one day affair. After all the hoopla of funeral planning is over, the grief and reality of the loss of a loved one will really set in for the family and friends of the deceased.
So don’t forget about them in the weeks and months after the funeral. Stop by and give them a call. Invite them out for social gatherings. They may say no for some time, but they’ll eventually reach the point where they’re ready to go back out, and they’ll be grateful that you kept thinking of them.
Call your friend or family member on the anniversary of their loved one’s death. They’ll appreciate that you still remember and continue to acknowledge their passing.
