Philly’s deathcare enthusiasts want to bring back the shroud

— The idea that death and dying can be part of life, not handled by walled-off specialists in expensive facilities, has gained traction in recent years.

Attendees of a recent shrouding workshop practice on a volunteer, led by Pat Quigley, right, the supervisor of Laurel Hill funeral home.

In a high-ceilinged, brick-walled space in Northern Liberties where people often host weddings, a group of strangers gathered on a recent Sunday to prepare for death.

They had come to learn how to shroud, part of a growing “death-positive” movement in Philly that seeks to demystify and de-commercialize the end of life. Many had been drawn to the hands-on workshop by fliers posted around the city that read, in part, “Yes, you heard that right! ‘Shroud’ as in wrapping a dead body for burial.”

Hosted at the MAAS building, the free event promised a shrouding demonstration (”on a live human”). It also served as the first meeting of a nascent “deathcare volunteer group,” which has aims to help Philadelphians who cannot afford funeral costs prepare and bury their loved ones. The median cost of funeral followed by burial in the mid-Atlantic region was $8,093 in 2021, according to the National Funeral Directors Association — a hefty sum for many families.

Pat Quigley, center and funeral director at Laurel Hill cemetery, teaches attendees how to shroud a dead body at a recent workshop in Northern Liberties. Kim Schmucki, on the table, volunteered to be practiced on.

“I really want Philadelphia to be a death-positive hub on the East Coast,” said Isabel Knight, 29, the president of the National Home Funeral Alliance and the workshop’s organizer. In her vision, the grassroots group will wash and shroud the dead for free, and perhaps even transport bodies, in personal vehicles with burial permits, to cemeteries, Knight said.

Of actual burial or cremation, “That’s something that you’ve got to pay for, unfortunately,” she said.

The idea that death and dying can be part of life, not handled by walled-off specialists in expensive facilities, has gained traction in recent years. And the attendees at the shrouding workshop were not, on the whole, new to death — they included death doulas, a hospice music therapy worker, and a former palliative care doctor.

It was a practical meeting, but also something of a pep rally for people whose passion may not be the most popular at cocktail parties.

“I do a meditation where I visualize dying — and sometimes being cared for, and sometimes just being kind of abandoned on a cliff and decomposing,” said Natalia Stroika, 38, of South Philly, explaining to the group why she had come. “I got a lot of wisdom from that.”

Another attendee, a West Philly resident who goes by the name Ask Nicely, explained that he was in the process of growing flax in a burial ground in Upper Darby “so that I can learn to process it into fiber and then weave my own death shroud,” a comment that elicited an appreciative murmur from the crowd.

Many Jewish communities already have a volunteer burial society, or chevra kadisha, to ritually wash and prepare the dead for burial. Knight’s deathcare group will be for all religions, and particularly for those who cannot afford the high costs of the modern funeral.

Attendees of a free shrouding workshop practice wrapping a volunteer in a sheet.

Pat Quigley, 66, the supervisor of Laurel Hill funeral home and a member of the Reconstructionist Chevra Kadisha, or Jewish burial society, served as the shrouding instructor. She first reassured the group on two fronts: dead bodies do not immediately become too stiff to handle, and they do not instantly decompose.

Next was the practical matter of what to do. Everyone crowded around a pale green massage table at the front of the room; Kim Schmucki, 60, removed her shoes, revealing multicolored striped socks, and lay on the table, pretending to be dead. The group used a white linen-cotton shroud made by California company Kinkaraco, which Laurel Hill sells for roughly $900. Kinkaraco makes shrouds for a “green burial,” which means that everything about the body, the clothes, and the casket (if there is one) is biodegradable.

“Obviously we’re not going to suffocate Kim,” Quigley said, showing attendees how to roll her over and pull the shroud around her, but declining to pull it over her face. She offered a few “nifty little tricks” to keep eyes and mouths closed, advised attendees to support the head during the process, and showed the group how to tie the shroud tightly around the feet, waist, and upper body.

After the main demonstration, participants broke into smaller groups to try themselves. On the floor, a group carefully wrapped their volunteer corpse in a pale green sheet and rolled her back and forth, tied up with a bow.

“The whole death experience, like the whole birth experience, has become so medicalized and so sanitized,” said Quigley. “I think people just want something different.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 22, 2023October 21, 2023

I tried to bury my mom in an environmentally responsible way in L.A.

— It was impossible

A cemetery plot designated for green burial in Cherokee Township Cemetery near North San Juan, Calif.

By Paul Thornton

To get a sense of how progressive ideals don’t always reflect actual practice, try burying a dead relative in Southern California. You’ll find that even in this land where people talk about sustainability, saying farewell in an environmentally responsible manner is, for most people, nearly impossible.

I came to grips with that reality in August, when my mother died from an unexpected illness. Making the final arrangements was my job, and I valued the experience as much as one can while gripped by grief.

My mother, a nurse and devout Lutheran, spent her life caring for the world around her and the people whom Jesus called “the least of these brothers and sisters.” I felt strongly that her remains should be handled in a way that reflected her values and, to some extent, mine.

As funeral director and poet Thomas Lynch wrote, “By getting the dead where they need to go, the living get where they need to be.”

And where are the living? On a planet in serious peril, where resource- and land-intensive burial practices reflect the overconsumption that put us in this mess. So, in the days just before my mom’s death, and with the clock ticking fast, I explored “green burial” options in Southern California that minimize environmental impacts.

That involved ditching the local (and very expensive) mortuary giant Forest Lawn — where seemingly everyone in Glendale, my mom’s hometown, goes to spend eternity — and calling smaller funeral homes that advertise eco-friendly options.

I settled on a small business in Hollywood that partners with a natural burial cemetery — where the land is minimally disturbed and traditional embalming isn’t allowed — and even offers an intriguing “human composting” option. Crucially, prices for the most common services are listed prominently on the funeral home’s website (note to other mortuaries: Please do this).

But the eco-friendly options had serious drawbacks. The natural burial cemetery is near Joshua Tree (gorgeous, but 120 miles away), and human composting — a process that accelerates decomposition and, within a month, turns a body into nutrient-dense soil — isn’t yet legal in California and would have required shipping my dead mother to Washington state.

Burial options that require two-hour flights or three-hour car drives don’t strike me as green. Even in this era of heightened environmental consciousness, the most accessible disposal options are not the sustainable ones. Our final choice: local cremation.

Still, the future for handling the dead in an environmentally sound way isn’t totally dim. Last year, California passed a law to allow human composting starting in 2027. And, although there are only two fully natural burial grounds certified by the Green Burial Council in all of California (none of them near Los Angeles), more “traditional” cemeteries are offering some environmentally friendly options.

Sarah Chavez, executive director of the L.A.-based advocacy group the Order of the Good Death, told me these cemeteries and California lawmakers are responding to an increasing demand for burials that not only conserve resources, but are also more meaningful to the people seeking them.

She said the $20-billion U.S. funeral industry has commodified death in a way that has made people scared of their dead loved ones, convinced that only trained, very expensive professionals must take over the moment a relative dies.

I told Chavez my family resisted this routine, even if we didn’t get a green burial. The funeral home accommodated our request to sit with my mom for several hours before it sent workers to pick her up. In that time, the few of us there had a mini-funeral.

We alternated between tears, laughter and prayers, all while my mom was there with us. Her body was not hazardous waste to be swiftly disposed of.

Chavez said our experience reflects a grassroots change in death services. Her group supports families taking a more active role in burials. She said many people entering the funeral industry now are women who recognize the need for change, which I noticed in making my arrangements as well.

From this desire for more control, we’ll get more green burial options in the future. Just not in time for my mom.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 21, 2023October 20, 2023

How a Colorado Funeral Parlor Became Home to 189 Decaying Bodies

Wooden caskets lined up at a funeral home. A Colorado funeral parlor has become home to 189 decaying bodies.

By Jess Thomson

A “green” funeral home in Colorado has found itself in trouble this week after 189 decaying human bodies were found on the premises.

The corpses, which were emitting an “abhorrent smell”, had initially been thought to number 115 when the Return to Nature Funeral Home storage facility in Penrose, Colorado, was first investigated by authorities two weeks ago.

Now, as of Tuesday, 189 bodies have been removed from the site, but authorities have said that numbers could change once again as the process of identifying the bodies continues.

Return to Nature Funeral Home is a so-called “green” funeral home, which holds burial services without the use of embalming fluids to preserve the bodies. There have been no arrests or charges so far, and Newsweek has contacted Return to Nature for comment via Instagram.

The bodies left to decay are now being identified by an FBI team usually deployed for mass casualties such as plane crashes. Around 120 families are worried that their relatives could be among the remains, but it will be weeks until identification of the bodies is completed, using fingerprints, dental records, and DNA testing.

It is perfectly legal not to embalm a body in Colorado and most other states, but the cadaver must be refrigerated. Colorado law specifically states: “A funeral establishment shall embalm, refrigerate, cremate, bury, or entomb human remains within twenty-four hours after taking custody of the remains.”

“Embalming is not required in any state, except in very limited circumstances,” Tanya D. Marsh, a professor of law at Wake Forest University and a licensed funeral director, told Newsweek. “The Colorado funeral home was required to either dispose of the bodies within 24 hours or refrigerate or embalm them. Violation of this is a class 1 misdemeanor in Colorado, which carries a maximum penalty of 364 days imprisonment, not more than a $1,000 fine, or both.

“In addition to criminal liability, this funeral home also faces tort liability from the families of the deceased for ‘interference with the right of sepulcher’,” Marsh said.

Additionally, Colorado has fairly lax rules regarding funeral homes, with operators requiring no routine inspections or qualifications.

The reasons why this funeral home did not manage to refrigerate its bodies is still unclear. However, the owners of the Return to Nature Funeral Home had reportedly missed tax payments in recent months, and were being sued for unpaid bills. They had also been recently evicted from one of their properties.

“We’ll find out more facts as the case unfolds, but my guess in Colorado is that the funeral home either lost its contract with a crematory, or there was some other problem. They started to get a backlog of cases, and it just got out of hand,” Marsh said. “It is really indefensible, but unfortunately not the first time it has happened.

“For example, in the Tri-State Crematory case in 2002, a crematory in Georgia was found to have more than 300 bodies that it had failed to cremate and that were kept on the property in various states of decay. There were also a number of cases of funeral homes with an excess of remains during the worst of the COVID-19 crisis in New York City, and some of those funeral homes did not properly store those bodies,” Marsh added.

The reason for this tragedy is not because of the funeral home’s “green” practices, but instead due to the mishandling of the bodies.

“To be clear, the reason this happened is not because this was a green funeral home. I really think it is important to emphasize this. It is because it was a funeral home that did not follow the most basic rules of care for human remains,” Marsh said.

Green funerals don’t embalm the bodies to avoid transferring harsh preservative chemicals into the ground, and bury people inside more-biodegradable caskets.

“Green funeral companies seek to reduce the amount of chemicals that are put in the soil by using coffins made from untreated materials; wicker is popular in the U.K. They do not embalm as this avoids the embalming chemicals such as formaldehyde and so on. As a result, decomposition occurs more naturally and is quicker and more complete,” Stephen Hughes, a senior lecturer in medicine at the Anglia Ruskin University School of Medicine in the U.K., told Newsweek.

Usually, in place of embalming, a body must be refrigerated to prevent decay. However, it appears that the bodies at Return to Nature Funeral Home were improperly stored. Without being kept cool, a body rapidly starts to break down.

“The decomposition process begins immediately after death,” Mark T. Evely, director of the Mortuary Science Program at Wayne State University, Michigan, told Newsweek. “The rate of decomposition depends on environmental conditions such as temperature, humidity, the setting in which the remains are located, and the physical conditions of the deceased prior to death.”

Other experts worry that this may mar the reputation of mortuary services and green funerals alike, sparking distrust of the practice.

“A great amount of trust is placed in funeral homes by families to care for their loved ones. When that trust is violated, it casts suspicion on the entire funeral profession,” Evely said. “I don’t know the reasons why there would be remains found in the way they were at the funeral home in Colorado. What I can say is that someone failed the families of these loved ones and failed to comply with the legal requirements of the state and the ethical duties demanded by the funeral service profession.”

This case raises the need for contingency plans for funerary providers in the event they are no longer financially viable, or that something goes wrong, Kate Woodthorpe, director of the U.K. Centre for Death and Society, told Newsweek.

“We have the same issue in the U.K. with regard to protecting the buried dead: When cemeteries are no longer income generating or financially viable, what happens? As an island running out of space, this is a critical question that no one has really answered in terms of who is responsible for their maintenance and long-term upkeep,” Woodthorpe said. “It also raises questions about the need for oversight and regulation of ‘green’ above-ground disposal methods. Unlike cremation (over quickly) or burial (contained underground), this third method needs greater surveillance, given the consequences in the event of a company going bust, or a generator failing and so on.”

As the remains continue to be identified, the bereaved families will have to wait for the dreaded news that one of their relatives’ bodies was included in the tragedy.

“In this situation, they may feel guilty that they have made such a disastrous choice of funeral home,” Dr. John Wilson, director of bereavement services counseling at York St John University, northern England, told Newsweek. “Guilt is a complicator of grief, and these relatives may need professional counseling to overcome this. On top of that, they may be traumatized by press reports, and by imagining the scene at the care home, adding to the sense of having let down their lost loved one.

“Anger is a natural feature of grief, so there will be many relatives who are angry to the point of it being potentially unhealthy,” Wilson added. “Given that the number of close mourners for every death averages between five and 10 people, that is going to be a lot of people who could need counseling.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 11, 2023October 10, 2023

Inside The Festive Jazz Funerals Of New Orleans

By Richard Milner

When thinking of a funeral, many people might imagine a congregation of black-dressed folks staring at the ground while sad — perhaps with rain pattering on umbrellas for full, somber effect. But while sorrow itself is a natural response to the loss of life, funerals the world over often take on special flavors depending on culture, history, region, and so forth, some more lively or unusual than others. “Fantasy coffins” are all the rage in Ghana, shaped like lions, rockets, sneakers, Coke bottles, airplanes, you name it. Varanasi, India burns 24-7 funeral pyres to incinerate the dead before tossing their ashes into the Ganges river. Taiwan, meanwhile, has mafia-linked funeral strippers who dance and gyrate above coffins. And in New Orleans? It’s all about exuberance, joie de vivre, and music perfectly befitting them both: jazz.

In a way, nothing could suit New Orleans more than jazz funerals. A fusion of West African, British, Spanish, and French influences combined with Mardi Gras, Black Southern Protestantism, and the spirituals of enslaved Americans, jazz funerals are just as sui generis — a thing of its own — as New Orleans itself. As sites like Vox highlight, jazz funerals mourn the dead, but they also celebrate life and the hope of life after death for the one who’s passed away. Imagine a big, community brass band parade marching through the streets and you’ve got a good idea of what jazz funerals are like.

From the old world to the new

All sources point to New Orleans’ jazz funerals originating with indigenous, festive dance-and-music funeral processions in West African countries like Senegal and Gambia, as Vox explains. The Balch Institute for Ethnic Studies explains that ethnic groups like the Yoruba and Dahomean in the current-day nations of Benin and Togo have similar practices. Such practices revolve around celebrating the soul’s entry into the afterlife and connect to beliefs in the spirit world and a hierarchical cosmic order of God-spirit-human. This is why West African spiritual beliefs — when they arrived in the New World — ironically found a fitting home within predominantly Christian Americas.

Aeon, meanwhile, also cites cultural back-and-forth between New Orleans and nearby Caribbean nations like Haiti as helping give rise to jazz funerals. Notably, Haitian Vodou (also spelled “Voodoo”) retains celebratory practices meant to appease spirits. And of course, as French Quarter says, New Orleans has always been a hotspot for Louisiana Vodou for the same reason it spawned jazz funerals: slavery. From about 1480 C.E. to 1888 C.E., the Transatlantic Slave Trade took enslaved peoples from various African tribes to the Americas. Some of these individuals wound up in New Orleans, founded in 1718 by French-Canadian explorer Jean-Baptiste Le Moyne, Sieur de Bienville. From that point, New Orleans’ syncretic culture brewed.

Brass band, Mardi Gras, and spirituals

New Orleans’ founding as a French city added another critical piece to the jazz funeral puzzle: Mardi Gras, the French incarnation of the Catholic Lenten holiday of Shrove Tuesday, aka Fat Tuesday, the day before Ash Wednesday. As Father William Saunders says on Catholic Culture, Shrove Tuesday was the Catholic liturgical calendar’s” last chance for merriment” before showing restraint during Lent. Traditions date back to ancient Rome, connect to pagan holidays like Saturnalia, were documented by the Anglo-Saxon clergyman Abbot Aelfric in 1,000 C.E., and by the time we get to the founding of New Orleans in 1718 involved celebratory processions and parades down the street, as Mardi Gras New Orleans describes.

New Orleans, meanwhile, was passed to Spain in 1763. It soaked up Spanish culture for 40 years before the U.S. bought it as part of the Louisiana Purchase in 1803. Per Metro, it was common for military brass bands to play funerals during this entire time. Such bands played the same instruments wielded in jazz come the late 1890s, when BBC says the musical form evolved into its familiar, syncopated, up-tempo form. But the roots of jazz, much like jazz funerals, dated back to 1819, shortly after Louisiana became a state in 1812. Per the BBC, enslaved Americans congregated in New Orleans’ Congo Square on free days, where African tribal dances and rhythms fused with colonial influences, brass band instruments, and one final component: Christian spirituals.

When the Saints Go Jazzing On

As 64 Parishes says, the first recorded version of a jazz funeral was witnessed by architect Benjamin Latrobe in 1819. West African influences were plain and apparent from the get-go, as those enslaved people engaged in “ring shouts,” a kind of call-and-response rhythmic dance circle that spins counterclockwise. Funeralwise says that the Catholic church wasn’t too keen on these kinds of gatherings — ironically so, given jazz funeral’s processional, celebratory connection to Mardi Gras. Nevertheless, it fell to Southern Protestant Blacks to engage in “public performances to consolidate a sense of community,” as J. David Maxson writes in Southern Quarterly.

On that note, Visit New Orleans says that jazz funerals typically incorporated the old folk spirituals that passed around the U.S.’ Protestant South, like “Nearer my God to Thee” and “When the Saints Go Marching In.” These spirituals strengthened community and united ancient traditions with present beliefs in a hopeful way. Even modern-day jazz funeral bands like the famed Dirty Dozen Brass Band still focus on spirituals, as their 2004 album “Funeral for a Friend” shows. Song titles include classic spiritual adaptations like “Just a Closer Walk with Thee,” “What a Friend We Have in Jesus,” “Down by the Riverside,” “Amazing Grace,” “John the Revelator,” and more.

Joining the Second Line

After jazz funerals fused with late 19th-century, recognizably modern jazz, they marched unabated into the 20th century. Jazz swept the U.S. in the 1920s following the end of World War I but petered off in popularity in the 1930s because Americans started struggling for disposable income. But come the mid-20th century jazz funerals started becoming more widespread, in part because funerals themselves became more affordable. This was especially the case for well-known New Orleans locals — such as jazz musicians — who were honored with jazzy outros befitting their lives.

It was during this time that jazz funerals took on a standardized structure. Musicians played sad, somber, hymn-like tunes on the way to a cemetery, where a memorial service took place, and then played lively, celebratory music on the way back. This “second line,” as it was called, is the typically bouncy and exuberant part of the jazz funeral that gives it its signature flair, as seen above. Locals could join the procession on the way to the cemetery — provided they were respectful — but more than likely folks joined during the celebratory second half of the funeral. As Ausettua Amor Amenkum of New Orleans’ Tulane University recalls on Vox, “I come from the era when you’re in your house and you hear music and you go ‘Second line!’ and you run outside.”

Modern homecoming ceremonies

Jazz funerals exist to this day and have taken to incorporating other elements of Black American culture, like funk, hip-hop, and rap. Currently, jazz funerals are held not just for jazz musicians or prominent New Orleans personages but also for young people or other members of the local community who died suddenly or tragically. Interestingly, Alive Network says that the 1973 James Bond movie “Live and Let Die” played a significant role in letting the wider world know about jazz funerals. That’s also when the term “jazz funeral” took root. Nowadays, jazz funerals can be found around the U.S. and the entire globe. In 2015, for instance, Memphis hosted a jazz funeral for blues legend B.B. King.

The biggest and most prominent jazz funeral likely happened on August 29, 2006, in the wake of 2005’s Hurricane Katrina. In case readers need reminding, Katrina and its flooding devastated low-lying New Orleans and killed a total of 1,833 people across Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama. Funeralwise says that thousands attended the jazz funeral conducted in honor of Katrina’s dead in downtown New Orleans, where residents had stood stranded the year prior.

While not everyone gets a jazz funeral, those interested can hire musicians for the task via agencies like Alive Network, including travel to cities besides New Orleans. And yet, on Vox musician Stafford Agee says, “I never liked considering a funeral being a gig. I’m performing for somebody’s homegoing ceremony.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

October 6, 2023October 5, 2023

What is a living funeral?

— This unique celebration of life and its benefits explained

Explore the concept of a living funeral and discover the profound meaning and benefits these celebrations can have for everyone involved.

By Jeanne Sager

If you’ve heard the term “living funeral” pop up as you’re planning end-of-life care for yourself or a loved one, you may very well wonder if you’ve stumbled on a typo. After all, the history of funeral practices in the United States and around the world customarily centers around the time after someone has died.

But no, you read that right. A living funeral — sometimes called a living wake or a pre-funeral — is a ceremony held for a person who is very much alive.

What is a living funeral all about? Why are loved ones opting to throw funerals for the living? Who are they for, and why have they grown in popularity? We asked experts to break down the practice of living funerals and to help you decide if this ritual is one that’s right for you or someone you love.

In its most simple form, a living funeral is a funeral held for a person who is still alive. They are usually performed for individuals who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness or who are advancing in age and coming to grips with their mortality and are typically held in the months, weeks or even days before someone’s death.

While the terminology may be unfamiliar to you, the living funeral concept is not new, says the Rev. George Handzo, director of health services research and quality for the national nonprofit HealthCare Chaplaincy Network. As a chaplain who works with people nearing the end of their life, Handzo says he’s often seen family members come together for a party of sorts to celebrate their loved one.

In some indigenous cultures, Handzo adds, it’s traditional for family members to gather near the end of a loved one’s life and engage in rituals, such as passing on family heirlooms, eating together and praying together as death nears. And the concept of a living funeral has long been practiced in countries like Japan, where the practice is called a seizensō or “funeral while alive.”

What’s the difference between a living funeral and a traditional funeral?

The core concept of a living funeral is the same as that of a traditional funeral — to offer a time and place for friends and family to gather together to honor a loved one. The primary difference between the two is whether or not the ceremony is held before or after the beloved person has died.

Often the tone of living funeral ceremonies is different from that of a traditional funeral as well, says Megan Sheldon, a ceremonialist and end-of-life doula from Vancouver, who’s also co-founder of Be Ceremonial, an app that guides you to create your own ceremonies, including a living funeral or living wake.

“People who come to us often want the event to feel lighthearted, relaxed and fun,” Sheldon explains. “They recognize the sadness and grief people are holding, and they want to focus on how [their loved one] lived their life and not how they are going to die”

What’s included in a living funeral?

The decision around when this sort of ceremony is held or even the shape it takes can differ greatly from person to person, says Willow Baum, an end-of-life planning educator and doula from Callicoon, New York.

“Every person and every circle of loved ones is incredibly unique,” Baum says. That’s why she starts planning by first getting to know the individual’s goals and values to help give shape to a living funeral that is right for them.

For example, an introvert may wish for a small ceremony where people come to visit them at home one at a time or in small groups while an extrovert may want to plan a large get-together with dozens of relatives and friends coming together all at once.

An added bonus to planning a living funeral over a traditional funeral is having the ability to actually ask the person you love what they want included in their ceremony, Baum says. While some people will create a funeral or memorial service plan before their death, asking for clarification on those plans is something that cannot be done when planning a funeral after someone’s death.

“You should really ask them. Don’t guess. Don’t assume,” Baum recommends for anyone who is helping a family member or friend with their end-of-life planning and discussing their final wishes. “This gives people a reason to get deeper with one another.”

While the exact structure and rites included in a living funeral depend on the wishes of the dying person, here are a few practices that might be included:

Candle lighting or bell ringing to open the ceremony.
Shared speeches from family or friends, similar to the eulogies that might be shared after someone has died.
Shared words and thoughts from the celebrated individual for those who have gathered.
An officiant who leads and guides attendees in prayer.
A video stream for family or friends who cannot attend.
Group storytelling and memory swapping among those who attend.
Music and food, chosen by the person being honored.
Allotted time for attendees to spend a private moment with the dying relative or friend.

Baum likes the way most of these living funerals unfold to a celebration of life held after someone has died. A living funeral, however, is heavily imbued with a reminder that “time is finite,” adds Baum.

What are the benefits of a living funeral?

A living funeral certainly isn’t something that everyone needs to add to their end-of-life planning, but there are myriad reasons why this sort of ceremony is one that families may consider.

Here are some of the many benefits that a living funeral can offer:

The opportunity for loved ones to say goodbye – After someone has died, Handzo often hears from friends and family,”‘I didn’t say I love you enough’?” When someone is diagnosed with a terminal illness, the living funeral gives loved ones the ability to do just that: gather to say the things often left unsaid. “We do far too little in our culture of saying goodbye and thinking of the dying person,” Handzo adds.
A means for the dying to play a role in the ceremony – The act of planning a living funeral can offer catharsis in and of itself, Baum says, allowing someone a chance to take control of their own end-of-life ceremony. For some, she says, it helps them work through their feelings about death and the unknown. For others, this simply provides a way to feel less out of control about the future.
A chance for the dying to impart last words – A living funeral gives someone who is dying the ability to speak with loved ones and friends who they might not otherwise get to see before their death, especially if time is short and separate visits for each person are too taxing. This could take the form of sharing words of wisdom with a grandchild, offering an apology to someone with whom they’ve had a falling out or simply sharing information.
A place to highlight positive memories – While the finite time remaining with their loved one may inspire a tinge of sadness, the storytelling element of a living funeral can be uplifting too, giving people a reason to laugh and smile. Sheldon helps families and friends to explore memories in positive ways by creating “memory walkways” with clients. “We hang photos from their lives down a path,” she explains, “and invite people to walk down listening to favorite music while they notice all of the photo memories and moments of significance.”
A space for families to come together – Simply providing people a place to come together is an added benefit, Handzo says. Busy family members can reconnect and reforge bonds that can provide needed moral support as individuals come to grips with their own feelings about their impending loss and possibly their own mortality.

Can anyone have a living funeral?

If the benefits of planning a living wake sound appealing, you may be wondering if you can start planning your own pre-funeral. Can just anyone have one? Well … technically … yes. But experts have some advice for helping you decide.

“Usually people know they are going to die within a few months and want to do it before they get too weak to appreciate the experience for what it is,” Sheldon says of most living funeral honorees.

That doesn’t mean you have to have a terminal illness, however.

“We’ve hosted living funerals for people who have no intention of dying anytime soon,” Sheldon adds, “but are doing this anyway, as a chance to bring their friends and family together one last time.”

Are there ethical considerations to living funerals?

Of course, there may be some cultural, emotional and sometimes moral considerations to contemplate before adding a living funeral ceremony to your calendar.

For one, the trend of living funerals represents a generational shift in Western cultures, Baum says, and it’s important to respect that older family members may not be comfortable with the idea. Instead of pushing a living funeral on a dying loved one, she stresses the importance of listening to their wishes and working together. Bringing in an end-of-life planner or death doula can be especially helpful as they bring not just their expertise but an outsider’s perspective during an emotional time.

Handzo also advises that people think deeply about their goals before planning a living funeral. For example, he notes, if you’ve had a deep rift with family members or friends and are hoping that these people will come to your pre-funeral to say nice things about you, it’s wise to reconsider.

“That’s not productive,” he warns.

Handzo also advises against trying to force family members to attend a living funeral simply because someone has finite time remaining before death.

In short, a living funeral should not be used to manipulate people, relationships or emotions.

Nor does Handzo recommend using a living funeral as a means to dissuade family and friends from gathering after you have died. “Sometimes,” he notes, “the family does want to do a funeral and go to the graveside.”

While the pre-funeral can benefit both the dying and the people who love them, a traditional funeral may still be an important part of the grieving process for those who have to say goodbye. There may also be cultural or religious traditions — such as the Jewish practice of sitting shiva for a loved one who has died — that people may still want to carry out after someone has died.

Should you plan a living funeral?

Deciding to have a living funeral is an incredibly personal decision, and if you’re considering suggesting the idea for a sick or dying loved one, you first may want to consult with an expert who can help you through the conversation. In particular, Sheldon warns that some people who have yet to accept their death may find talk of a living funeral triggering.

If you’re pondering whether or not this type of ceremony is right for yourself, Baum says it can be helpful to think about it not just in the context of your own wishes but also how it may affect those you are leaving behind. Just as writing out your wishes for what you would like to happen after you have died, planning out the time you have before your death can help loved ones better understand how to support you.

“To think about your own end,” she adds, “is to give the people who are going to do the wrapping up in the end a roadmap.”

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September 28, 2023September 28, 2023

How To Say Goodbye to Your Pet

— Dog dad Zak Rosen on preparing for the inevitable.

Vanessa Gangadyal consoles her son, Ian, 8, while her husband, Michael Gangadyal, pets their dog, Ally, shortly after its passing.

Like many pet parents, Zak Rosen and his wife lived for years in a state of denial about their beloved dog, Rumi. Then they learned that Rottweilers only tend to live about eight to 12 years, and there was no denying it: Rumi is already in her twilight years. In the not-so-distant future, they’ll have to make some truly tough decisions.

On this episode of How To!, Zak seeks out advice about end-of-life pet care from Dr. Ellen LaFramboise, owner of Crossroads Veterinary Hospice, and fellow pet parent Gabby Santos, who shares how she prepared for the death of her 18-year-old miniature pinscher, Bob’i. Their conversation might change the way you think about your furry pal’s final days (and maybe even your own).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

September 8, 2023September 7, 2023

As my end nears, I crave the soul-to-soul connection of seeing friends in person

by Paul Woodruff

My good friends know that my end is near. Several of them have flown from far away to see me in Texas. They come for an hour or two of conversation, and then they fly home. That’s an expensive visit, and time-consuming for them. Why aren’t they satisfied to see me over the internet? I offer them that way out, but they insist on the trip. Why?

My friends tell me the internet is not a healthy place to develop friendships. I agree.

In my latest meeting with one friend, I gained a growing understanding of him at this stage in his life, and he of me, from subtle clues in our posture, expressions and body language — clues we could not have captured on the web. We kept close eye contact most of the time — something we could not have done on the internet. In the end, I felt that soul had touched soul.

Another recent visitor and I both changed as we came to know each other better. He told me he had shelved a beloved project to devote time to his business. We had little need for words after he told me of his decision. By contrast, the web would have allowed us hardly anything but words to go on.

Yet another friend told me that he had come to value in-person meetings because the business he had started was entirely in virtual space, and he saw its shortcomings every day. During his business meetings, he tells me, he suspects that many of his workers are multitasking — head and shoulders pretending to be paying attention, hands below camera range busy on other projects. They would not get away with that in person, he says. Because worries like this bother him every day, he sets a higher value than ever on seeing friends face to face. In-person encounters have become more intense for him, more special than they were before. Today, he wastes no time on small talk when we meet. We are each focused on the other.

I am not against the medium as such. I have taught on Zoom, and I know its strengths and weaknesses. I also understand that internet technology allows us to make and maintain connections that we would otherwise be denied. I know a stay-at-home parent with a large family who rejoices in her Zoom and Facebook connections. Without technology, she would be isolated, as parents were in the old days. Being physically together might be the gold standard for connecting, but we must not discount the value of other options. Whatever form of connection we are allowed is a gift.

But web-based connections are simply not as good as in-person ones. Technology tempts us into being satisfied with pseudo-friendships, and these can be dangerous. You’d be a fool to marry or promise sex to someone you had never met off-screen. That’s because the internet can’t reliably protect us from falsehood. Now, artificial intelligence has become a champion at falsehood. It can create false images of people — even of my friends — and get me to believe they are real.

Friends should be able to trust each other with secrets. Trust is at the heart of friendship, and trust can’t get started without privacy. The most valuable things friends say with each other must be safe behind a wall of “Don’t tell anyone else.” My wife and I need to process a rift in a colleague’s marriage to be clear about our own, but we don’t want the colleague to know what we are thinking. My wife and I are best friends, so I can trust her to keep our conversation private. But nothing has ever been private on the web. If I dare not tell you the truth of my heart, you cannot be my friend. But I don’t dare tell the truth of my heart to anyone I know through the internet. It follows that I cannot have friends through the internet.

I am delighted that my friends are flying in to see me from far away. They warm my soul. And having such good friends keeps me honest with myself and others. We do not come together to say goodbye. We come together to know each other better, right now, as we are at this hour, today. Each visit brings a growth of understanding in real time. I am very lucky to have such friends.

They are right to come in person. In actual presence, they can hold my hand, stroke my brow. At the end of my life, if they were trying to see me through the internet, they would fail. That dying thing will not be me. I am who I am through my actions, and dying is not an action. It is a happening. At the end, I will have no comfort in being observed. At the end, I cannot be seen. I want to be touched.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!