My sons’ grief at a friend’s death has forced me to see I can’t shelter them forever

One thing never ceases to strike fear into the heart of parents: the idea of our kids dying before us

The idea that someone could be in your life one day and gone the next was incomprehensible to Jo Davies’ sons.

By Jo Davies

I was at the grocery store the other night when my younger sons and I ran into my next-door neighbour toting his six-week-old son.

After cooing over Junior’s beautiful blue eyes and his adorable expressions for a bit, one of my boys asked to touch the little one’s cheek. My neighbor hesitated for a moment and then declined, saying the baby hadn’t yet had his second round of vaccinations.

I was shocked for a moment, then smiled, reminding myself we were dealing with that most nervous of Nellies: the first-time parent.

Whether you have kids or not, you’ve likely heard the stereotype of the hyper-responsible first-time mom or dad jumping to boil the baby’s pacifier the second it touches the floor or rushing to the ER for every uptick in temperature.

Undoubtedly, this initial hyper-vigilance serves a purpose: it’s Mother Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the species. All parents go through it, and most get over it.

There’s one thing, however, that never ceases to strike fear into the heart of parents: the idea of our kids dying before us.

A few weeks ago, my sons’ classmate died at the age of 15.

He was a nice boy — quiet and respectful and kind. His death was unexpected, shocking and a heartbreaking introduction into the ways of grief not only for my two sons, but their school community as well.

At this point in their young lives, my sons haven’t experienced the death of anyone close to them except for their grandparents. That was obviously upsetting for them, but their father and I were able to help them to rationalize it, because their grandparents were much older than them; they’d lived a good life and left a legacy for which their many friends and family would remember them fondly.

When their friend died, however, it was virtually impossible to come to terms with it.

Despite the best efforts of their teachers and school counsellors, my boys were at a loss. The idea that someone could be in your life one day and gone the next was incomprehensible to them.

I asked myself: knowing what I know about death (my father died suddenly when I was 24), how can I make the death of their friend make sense to them? I came to the conclusion that I can’t.

There is no way to make sense of such a tragic circumstance, to find a silver lining. All I can do is try to help them cope with what’s happened.

To that end, I’ve done my best to read up on teenage grief, so I can be useful to my sons.

I’ve learned that, as with adults, teenage grief is as unique as each individual who experiences it. It can’t be dictated or forced to fit someone else’s conception of what’s appropriate.

I’ve also realized that for teenagers, grieving is just one more complication in an already turbulent period of life. The death of a close friend can cause them to question their own, newly formed identities as young adults; to ask questions they might never have considered before about life and mortality.

What’s been hardest for me in this process is watching my sons come to the realization that life, at its core, is uncertain. There are no guarantees of happy, long lives for the ones you love, even if you wish there were.

Up until now, their teenage brains (with their still-developing sense of consequences) have helped to make them feel invincible, or if not invincible, at least unconcerned with thoughts of dying — which seemed to me to be as it should be. Kids should be able to live their lives without constantly thinking about death and dying.

 

Now they know words like “hearse” and “pallbearer” and “condolences.” They have witnessed the depths of a parent’s grief as they listened to their friend’s mother describe all the ways she will miss him.

They’ve also been surprised by kindness from unexpected quarters; friends they didn’t know cared who gave them a hug or a tissue.

They have learned a lot of things over the past few weeks, as have I.

Mainly, I’ve learned that there was still a part of me that thought I could keep them safe from the harsh realities of life. I can’t, and that hurts.

However, just as I taught all three of my sons to use a spoon, to tie their shoelaces and to say “please” and “thank you,” I can teach them other things that are even more useful.

I can teach them to value each day they have on this earth, to be grateful that they knew their friend, and to be happy they were good friends to him during his short time here.

I’m pretty sure those are lessons worth learning.

Complete Article HERE!

Disney Movies Can Help Kids Understand the Concept of Death

So says a new study.

By

Whether it was Bambi’s mother, Mufasa, or Syndrome, everyone remembers that one Disney death that really made an impact. Likely, it was your first encounter with a character meeting an untimely demise. Well, according to a new study from the University of Buffalo, Disney films can actually play a huge part in helping kids understand and accept death.

Why Disney movies specifically? Well, first and foremost, Disney (and Pixar) movies feature a lot of death. In fact, according to Business Insider, researchers Kelly Tenzek and Bonnie Nickels analyzed 57 Disney and Pixar films and found that, overall, there were a total of 71 character deaths. Researchers also noted that characters in kid’s movies are twice as likely to die than characters in movies aimed for adults.

In addition to all the death, the study, which was published in OMEGA Death and Dying, confirmed that the movies also feature themes that allow kids to handle death in a way that they would otherwise not be able. The movies use intentional patterns to teach kids lessons about life and death via “the character’s status in the film, the cause of death, whether the death was presented or implied, and also whether they were the good or the bad guy.”

An example of one of these themes in action is the fact that in several Disney movies, the main villain falls to their death instead of actually being killed by the protagonist. Think of Gaston in Beauty and the Beast or Captain Hook in Peter Pan. Why is this significant? According to the study, this frees the hero from responsibility and makes the death feel more justified in the eyes of young kids.

Disney movies also benefit from the fact that they are primarily animated. This allows kids to engage with the concept of death without it feeling too real. A child can know that a character such as Mufasa has died but also know that the character is ultimately fictional, which in turn allows them to grasp the concept of death without being overwhelmed.

So next time you’re watching The Lion King for the 100th time with your kid and you’re totally Timon and Pumbaa’d out, appreciate that, in addition to lodging the rhyme of “thin-skinned” and “downwind” in your head for the rest of the day, it  may just help your kid come to understand mortality a bit more.

Complete Article HERE!

End-of-Life Conversations Can Bring You and Loved Ones Closer

If the opportunity presents itself, honor the person by listening

By Lisa Fields

Before his mother, Dee Dee, died from emphysema in 2009, Larry Sernovitz spent a lot of time at her bedside, keeping her company. Toward the last few days of Dee Dee’s life, she wasn’t very responsive, so her son didn’t expect to connect with her meaningfully anymore. During one of the final visits, Dee Dee had mostly rested, and the two hadn’t interacted much. So Larry was surprised to get a phone call from his mom the next day.

“She sang, ‘I just called to say I love you,’” says Sernovitz, a rabbi in Cherry Hill, N.J. “I don’t know if I fully realized the power of that moment. She bounced back. She was singing to me over the phone. Within the next day, she was gone.”

Dee Dee had sung to Sernovitz often while he was growing up, but her melodic phone call toward the end of her life was an unexpected surprise.

“I said, ‘Thank you so much. I love you, too,’” Sernovitz says. “I didn’t fully realize what was happening: She was beginning to say goodbye. She just wanted to let me know, even though I didn’t realize it at the time, that no matter where she goes, she’ll always love me.”

At the end of life, many people choose to tie up loose ends, to make sure nothing critically important is left unsaid to the people who matter to them most. They may feel it will help them die peacefully, knowing that no loved ones will have any doubts about their feelings.

“Those are opportunities for people to take stock and say, ‘I want to be more intentional about how I want to relate to people in my life,’” says Dr. Jessica Zitter, author of Extreme Measures: Finding a Better Path to the End of Life and an attending physician in critical-care and palliative care medicine at Highland Hospital in Oakland, Calif. “Death should really be seen as the last opportunity that you have to make amends and clean things up before you’re in the next world, wherever that might be.”

A New Dynamic

The end-of-life period can spark honest, soul-baring conversations that let people grow together emotionally while reminiscing, apologizing, forgiving, thanking or recognizing the efforts of their most cherished relatives and friends. Such talks can be especially meaningful if they’re initiated by someone who doesn’t usually talk about his or her feelings.

“These conversations are refreshing and calming to the souls of all who engage,” says Hattie Bryant, author of I’ll Have It My Way: Taking Control of End-of-Life Decisions. “If the dying person says words that the loved ones around are not used to hearing, it can open up a new and deeper path.”

Recognize the Moment

Sometimes palliative care physicians will help their patients with life-threatening conditions facilitate these conversations, steering them in directions that can bridge differences, highlight commonalities and allow people to grow closer. It’s ideal to have these conversations during the final weeks or months of life rather than waiting until the last possible moment.

“We always think we are going to have more time than we do,” says Zitter, who appeared in the Academy Award-nominated short documentary Extremis, about end-of-life decisions and conversations. “I see so many patients who get caught off-guard by those final days, to the point where something happens, they deteriorate; they can’t speak anymore; they aren’t alert. You don’t want to wait until those final days because it may be too late by then.”

The Start of an End-of-Life Discussion

When someone at the end of life opens up about his or her feelings, it can initiate an emotional conversation, with everyone sharing perspectives to gain a greater understanding of each other’s feelings. And if one person says “I love you,” the other person may return the sentiment, which brings greater depth to the relationship. The further the talks go, the greater the intimacy of the relationship may increase.

“I’ve seen it go any number of ways,” Zitter says. “A dialogue. One-sided. Over the phone — for people who aren’t going to have the chance to see each other again.”

Staying on Topic

Some terminally-ill patients want to have emotional conversations but can’t get the words out because their relatives cut them off.

“A lot of people say, ‘Every time I want to talk to my kids, they put their fingers in their ears and say, You’re not going to die’,” Zitter says. “When someone is coming to you with that feeling, you want to open up and listen and support, not deny the sentiments that are bringing them to you.”

It takes a certain amount of bravery to initiate these conversations. Not everyone is able to bare a soul this way — especially if someone is in denial about his or her diagnosis or prognosis. So honor your loved one by listening.

“The problem is: So many in America today don’t have these discussions, as they are too busy thinking they are going to be cured,” Bryant says. “Our goal should be not to die fighting a disease but to die loving people.”

Nearly 10 years after his mother’s death, Sernovitz is still awed by the meaningful conversation he had with his mom when she sang about her feelings.

“It was such a powerful moment,” Sernovitz says. “We have to really pay attention to what people say because we never know what messages they’re trying to send us.”

Complete Article HERE!

How To Talk To Your Kids About Death And Grief

Loss is a natural, but complex part of life.

By Caroline Bologna

Death and grief are natural parts of the human experience, but mourning a loss is also an incredibly complex process.

When a young child loses a loved one, parents often grapple with the challenge of explaining the concept of death and helping their little one through the grieving process (all while grieving themselves).

To help inform these difficult conversations, HuffPost spoke to a number of child mental health experts. Of course, a family’s cultural and religious background may steer the discussion, but there are certain guiding principles that are helpful for everyone to keep in mind.

Here are some expert suggestions for parents and caregivers when they prepare to talk about death and grief with children.

Be Honest And Straightforward

“Tell them the ‘facts’ about the death,” clinical psychologist John Mayer told HuffPost. “Don’t sugarcoat what death is or use ‘baby talk’ with a child. Do not use phrases like, ‘Grammy is sleeping.’ This is an opportune time to teach them about death. Don’t shy away from it.”

Board certified licensed professional counselor Tammy Lewis Wilborn echoed this sentiment, noting that using “cutesy language” and euphemisms in an attempt to protect kids from the realities of death and loss can actually do more harm than good.

“Children tend to think concretely, not abstractly, so when you use language that’s euphemistic, it can actually be more confusing or frustrating,” she explained. When people say things like “Dad is in the clouds” or “Your dad is taking a really long nap,” a young child may not understand the permanence of the fact that their father died and might even look for him in the clouds or expect him to wake up at some point.

Words like “death,” “died” or “dying” may sound harsh, but this is still developmentally appropriate language, Wilborn noted, and it’s important for children to have the language to understand the permanence of death.

Ask And Answer Questions

The kind of conversation a parent has with a child following the death of a loved one depends on the child’s relationship with the person who died. It should also vary based on the child’s developmental age and their understanding of what happens when someone dies. To that end, it’s useful to ask kids questions or offer to answer any questions they might have.

“Starting with questions can be a way in,” said Wilborn. “And you don’t necessarily need to give the specific details of how the person died, particularly if we’re dealing with traumatic grief. They don’t need all of the information, but they need enough age-appropriate details to understand that a person has died and isn’t coming back.”

Sometimes children may have witnessed something related to the loved one’s death, like being present at the scene of an accident or visiting the person in the hospital. In these cases, they need help understanding what they saw, said Chandra Ghosh Ippen, an expert in early childhood trauma and the associate director of the Child Trauma Research Program at the University of California, San Francisco.

Parents should try to shrink themselves down to the size of their child and walk through what they’ve experienced. Seeing someone in a hospital with tubes coming out of them or watching paramedics perform lifesaving procedures may be frightening for a small child, so it’s necessary for adults to appreciate how scary things might look to them.

“Create space for them to share how it might’ve affected them, and try to help them understand that doctors and paramedics were trying to help their loved one,” Ghosh Ippen explained.

It’s an ongoing conversation. “Young children will often come back to you after your very excellent explanation of death and still ask, ‘Am I going to see so-and-so?’” Ghosh Ippen said. “It’s not that they didn’t understand you, but little kids tend to repeat their questions. It’s sort of their way of mulling it over and making meaning. This can be painful for caregivers, but appreciate that the child did hear you and is just having a difficult time wrapping their head around the concept of death.”

Know That Their Emotions Are Complicated

“Grief is a complex process, so it comes with a range of thoughts, emotions and behaviors,” Wilborn explained. While parents may expect their child to feel sad, angry, confused or even guilty about a loss, there are other behavioral changes that can be harder to understand, like changes in sleeping and eating patterns or school performance issues.

Sometimes parents may feel confused about a perceived lack of sadness in their kids. “Young children have a short sadness span,” said Ghosh Ippen. “A child can suffer a devastating loss and feel really sad, and then they can go play. You may be thinking, ‘Were they really affected by what happened?’”

While adults tend to immobilize and sink into sadness, kids often discharge it by running around or trying to do something else. “They kind of go in and out of sadness, and that can put us at odds with them if we’re thinking, ‘Oh, my God, do they not care?’” she continued. “But recognize that they did care.”

Be Patient

Wilborn noted that grief is a long process, so parents should reject the tendency to want to rush past it and wonder when their kids are going to be over it.

“Grief is a process that you cannot go around. You have to go through it. So you need to be OK with the pace of the process,” she said. “It can take some time for a child to return to his or her normal.”

Mayer emphasized the power of this experience and of talking to kids about death as a way to build major developmental coping skills. “This is a positive and helps them cope with loss in their life in the future and even transitions in their life, such as leaving one school to another, advancing to high school or college, and losing relationships.”

Encourage Expression

“Children need to see that their parents are a resource; home is a resource where grief is welcome,” Wilborn said, noting that parents should encourage age-appropriate expressions of grief.

“For example with a school-aged, play is their language, so you want to lean into ways that children play to promote communication ― things like drawing pictures, playing games, dolls, puppet shows at home,” she added. “With older kids, you might encourage them to journal, draw, write songs, create poems.”

Mayer noted that being a resource for your child creates a sense of safety and security that will serve them in later life events. “They know they can depend on you, and it is wonderful modeling for them.”

Create Rituals

Creating rituals around remembering and honoring a loved one who died is another significant form of expression. “Explain that this person may not be here with us, but we can still remember him or her and celebrate their life as a family,” said Wilborn.

“When the death is really traumatic, sometimes caregivers stop talking about the person who died,” Ghosh Ippen explained. “And what’s hard in those cases is that children lose their ‘angel memories’ ― times when they really felt loved and cared for with that person. It’s normal for grown-ups in mourning to find it hard to talk about the person who died, but it’s important to memorialize them.”

The death of a loved one offers an opportunity to talk to your child about your cultural and religious beliefs.

Many cultures and religions promote rituals around saying goodbye and making meaning of death. Mayer noted that losing a loved one presents an opportunity for parents who have religious belief systems to explain these tenets to their children.

“Religious or not, it is also very helpful to teach your children that all the experiences and memories you have had with this loved one do not get erased with their death. People always live in our hearts and our minds forever, and no one or nothing can take that away,” he explained. “Say something like, ‘Where’s Aunt Susie right now? She’s not in this room with us right now, correct? That doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist.’ Aunt Susie is here (point to your head) and here (point to your heart). We have to keep our memories and good times with Aunt Susie alive.”

Make Sure They Know It’s Not Their Fault

“Sometimes children have this really uncanny way of assigning blame to themselves for things that have nothing to do with them,” said Wilborn.

With that in mind, caregivers need to help kids understand that the death is in no way their fault, and it’s not their responsibility to put on a strong face or hide their feelings.

Use Books And Other Resources

There are many great resources for parents navigating this difficult topic with their children. Ghosh Ippen and Wilborn both recommend Sesame Street’s online grief toolkit, which provides talking points, videos, activities, storybooks and more. Ghosh Ippen and Wilborn also pointed to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network as another great source of online resources.

Ghosh Ippen maintains Pinterest boards with book recommendations, including one on loss, grief and traumatic bereavement. Some of her favorite children’s books that tackle these topics include Chester Raccoon and the Acorn Full of Memories, The Dragonfly Door, When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death, Rosie Remembers Mommy: Forever in Her Heart, Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss and Samantha Jane’s Missing Smile: A Story About Coping With the Loss of a Parent.

As far as books for parents, Mayer recommended the writings of psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, as well as How Do We Tell the Children? Fourth Edition: A Step-by-Step Guide for Helping Children and Teens Cope When Someone Dies and Understanding and Supporting Bereaved Children: A Practical Guide for Professionals.

There are many children’s books that cover the experience of loss.

Beyond books and online resources, Wilborn emphasized the value of community resources, such as school counseling, support groups, play therapy and peer counseling.

Let Them See You Grieve

The way a child’s parents or caregivers respond to a loss is instrumental in helping them cope. “They need to see you grieve,” said Wilborn. “But they also need to see you taking care of yourself and engaging in self-care, which may or may not include professional help. If you don’t, they may feel like they have to take care of you because you’re not managing grief in a way that’s healthy.”

It’s OK to cry in front of your children and show the value of expressing emotions and having shared emotions among family members. It’s OK to say things like “I’m feeling really sad because my dad died” or “Daddy is sad because he misses his mom.”

“Within our culture, we often have a sense that we have to be tough, so many parents are trying to help their kids by putting on a brave or overly cheery face,” said Ghosh Ippen. “But that can seem really odd and confusing. The child is feeling sad because it’s devastating that this person is gone, but then the parent is cheery ― which can feel eerie and weird.”

Ultimately, it’s about conveying the idea that “Mom is sad, and Mom is also strong,” she continued. If the feelings of grief become overwhelming, parents should seek help from other sources because it’s not their child’s role to help them.

“It’s important for little kids to believe that grown-ups are bigger, wiser and stronger,” said Ghosh Ippen. “We are not going to fall apart, and if we are going to fall apart, other grown-ups are going to help us.”

Complete Article HERE!

How death disappeared from Halloween

Americans tend to avoid opportunities to engage with their own mortality

“Trick-or-treating was a way of buying kids off,” says author Lisa Morton.

By Vittoria Elliott and Kevin McDonald

Halloween in America is awfully cute these days — both in the sense that children’s costumes have reached unimaginable heights of adorability and that the holiday has lost its darkness — and that’s rather awful.

Sexy avocado costumes obscure the holiday’s historical roots and the role it once played in allowing people to engage with mortality. What was once a spiritual practice, like so much else, has become largely commercial. While there is nothing better than a baby dressed as a Gryffindor, Halloween is supposed to be about death, a subject Americans aren’t particularly good at addressing. And nowhere is that more evident than in the way we celebrate (or don’t celebrate) Halloween.

Halloween has its origins in the first millennium A.D. in the Celtic Irish holiday Samhain. According to Lisa Morton, author of “Trick or Treat: A History of Halloween,” Samhain was a New Year’s celebration held in the fall, a sort of seasonal acknowledgment of the annual change from a season of life to one of death. The Celts used Samhain celebrations to settle debts, thin their herds of livestock and appease the spirits: the kinds of preparations one might make if they are genuinely unsure whether they will survive the winter.

But in America today, that kind of acknowledgment of imminent mortality rarely occurs, according to Anita Hannig, an anthropologist and professor at Brandeis University. “When we recognize our mortality, we make preparations for it,” she says, mentioning a Romanian acquaintance who had bought their grandmother a coffin for her birthday. “But in the U.S., that kind of engagement is seen as almost frivolous.”

But what could be less frivolous than talking about a wholly universal experience?

“Every other culture has a time set aside during the year where the dead visit,” said Sarah Chavez, executive director of the Order of the Good Death, a group of funeral industry professionals, academics and artists devoted to preparing a “death phobic culture for their inevitable mortality.” Part of the power of these rituals is to make death into a known quantity, something to be accepted, even embraced, rather than feared.

When Roman Christian missionaries began to convert the Celtic peoples, local holidays were not banished, but rather co-opted. All Saints’ Day, formerly celebrated in mid-May, was moved to Nov. 1 as a way to tame the wild Celtic tradition of Samhain. All Saints’ Day is a celebration of all the dead who have attained heaven in the Catholic tradition, a death-centric celebration if there ever was one.

But the rowdiness of Samhain proved difficult to dislodge, according to Morton, so the Catholic Church tacked on All Souls’ day on Nov. 2, to offer prayers for those who were stuck in purgatory. This three-day celebration began on the evening of Oct. 31, eventually becoming All Hallows’ Evening in reference to the holy days to follow.

When the Spanish colonized what is now Mexico, they used the same strategy, taking indigenous rituals and co-opting them into the church, creating what we know today as Día de los Muertos. In both instances, the holidays retained their focus on the ritualistic recognition of mortality and honoring the dead, with the church as arbiter of the afterlife.

Halloween arrived in the United States in the 1840s, brought by Irish and Scottish immigrants fleeing famine. Popular activities included fortunetelling, speaking with the dead and other forms of divination. (To get a sense of how uncomfortable many Americans are with the dead, try this at your next Halloween party and see what kinds of looks you get.)

Catholic-infused Halloween and Samhain shared several similarities with Día de los Muertos. They were both feast days, filled with candles and a reverence for the dead. The traditional sugar skulls, or calaveras, are similar to Halloween’s “soul cakes,” sweet treats people would offer in exchange for prayers for dead relatives languishing in purgatory.

The calavera tradition remains in the modern form of Día de los Muertos, but in the United States, soul cakes have all but vanished. We now have trick-or-treating, a tradition borne purely out of concerns for the living. In the early part of the 20th century, destructive young pranksters would take full advantage of Halloween, vandalizing and destroying property.

“It was costing cities a lot of money,” says Morton. Instead of banning the holiday altogether, neighborhoods banded together to host parties and give out snacks. “Trick-or-treating was a way of buying kids off.”

Similar to how Halloween has drifted from death ritual to doorbell ringing, modern American engagements with death have changed from up close to a culture of avoidance.

In a lot of ways, Halloween in the United States “mirrors our experience with death directly,” says Chavez.

“We used to take care of our dead in our homes — people used to die at home. We took care of our loved ones, dug their graves. We were there through the entire process. We have no idea what death looks like anymore,” she says. And that ignorance breeds fear, uncertainty and avoidance.

Today, about 80 percent of people die in a hospital or a nursing home. Hannig calls these “institutional deaths,” and they’re just one part of how modern death has been sanitized and sequestered away from the world of the living.

“The responsibilities of death have been outsourced,” she says, adding that hospitals and the mortuary industry allow ordinary people to avoid engagement with the messiness and gruesomeness of death.

“When someone dies in a hospital, oftentimes the body will be whisked away almost immediately and family and friends won’t see it again until after it’s been embalmed.”

And it’s not just dying that modern America is losing touch with; it’s death rituals as well. As the United States becomes increasingly secular, religion’s role in making meaning out of death has shrunk. According to Hannig’s research, memorial services are becoming less and less common, and a collective honoring of the dead — something like All Souls’ Day — is practically nonexistent.

Hannig pointed out that in many other cultures, death is a community affair and something people prepare for together. In certain Buddhist communities in Nepal, for instance, when someone dies they will be surrounded by their loved ones and valued possessions to make sure they don’t have any longed-for attachment tying them to life. It’s a way for both parties — the dying and the living — to accept and let go.

Instead, modern Halloween focuses on the creepy and the capitalistic. “We consume death in a commercialized, entertainment way,” says Chavez. By making death fantastical, we make it feel almost impossible, and therefore less threatening. “We know that a zombie movie isn’t realistic. It’s all a way that we can reassure ourselves that we are safe and it won’t happen to us.”

But haunted attractions, horror films and safety from zombies haven’t made us less afraid of death. If anything, by continuing to keep death at a distance, we transform it into an unknown: possibly the scariest thing of all.

5 Reasons to Plan Your Funeral Now

No one likes to think about death, but planning ahead for your funeral is smart

By Candy Arrington

Although I didn’t know it at the time, a week after my father received a terminal cancer diagnosis, he asked my cousin to take him to a local mortuary where he made decisions about his burial and paid for his funeral. Following his death five months later, as a grieving only child, I was thankful my father had the foresight to plan ahead, as he had always done for other life events. His choice to preplan was a gift that prevented me from making emotional and costly decisions based in grief.

Death is a subject none of us want to confront. Talking about death causes us to face mortality and run head-on into the fact that we will not always be here. Yet death is inevitable and planning your funeral is a lot like planning for retirement. It requires honest evaluation and sometimes hard decisions, but it’s something that needs to be done.

Here are five reasons to overcome hesitancy and consider planning your funeral now:

1. Rising Costs

Each year, funeral costs continue to rise. Planning and paying for your funeral now is a way to avoid those increasing costs. According to the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA), the median cost for an adult funeral with viewing and burial, including vault, was $8,755 in 2017. For a funeral with viewing and cremation, the median cost was $6,260. These amounts do not include cemetery costs, monument or marker, pall flowers, obituary or other related expenses, which could raise the cost to between $10,000 and $12,000. However, consumers have options.

“Charges at all mortuaries are based on operating costs and overhead and are higher in larger metropolitan areas,” said Glenn Miller, manager at J.F. Floyd Mortuary in Spartanburg, S.C. “With a full-service mortuary, there are many options. All of our services are itemized, and families can choose what to include. Our fees are the same for a funeral at a church or at our chapel as long as it involves our standard five staff members.”

2. The Ability to Make Your Own Decisions

Most people like to feel in control over decisions that affect their lives, and often that extends to end-of-life decisions. While no one can predict the time and circumstances of death, many take comfort in knowing they’ve selected the type of burial, location and funeral they want. While many plan to make these decisions eventually, most never actually follow through.

“Emotions are the greatest deterrent to preplanning,” said Miller. “People often have the attitude that if they don’t talk about death, it won’t happen.”

If you approach funeral planning as you would a financial or business decision, you may be able to get beyond those difficult emotions. Many mortuary websites provide preplanning information. Other websites, such as Funeralwise, help calculate costs. Move beyond any superstitious notions that funeral planning hastens death, and take time to investigate.

Be aware that preplanning does not require prepayment. The NFDA provides a Bill of Rights for Funeral Preplanning. Knowing your rights helps you plan wisely and avoid being overcharged.

3. To Lessen Future Family Conflict

If you’ve ever tried to plan a family reunion or holiday get-together, you know suggestions and opinions abound and conflict. When planning a funeral — factoring in intense emotions, personality conflicts and multiplying by the number of siblings — you potentially have a recipe for a family squabble.

“Many people are still traditional in their faith and type of funeral they want, while their children may not be,” said Miller. “Children think differently than their parents and often have a more contemporary approach to burial, funeral location, music and minister. Planning ahead documents your wishes.”

While you can’t guarantee family members will abide by your choices, preplanning documents your wishes and provides a benchmark.

4. To Reduce the Financial Burden

We all hope to leave assets for our children, yet a prolonged stay in a care facility can deplete savings. Remaining assets are often non-liquid, which doesn’t help with the immediate need to pay mortuary or crematorium costs. Prepaying for your funeral and associated costs eliminates or reduces the financial burden on those left behind. Most mortuaries provide incremental prepayment options over months or years.

5. Preplanning is a Gift to Loved Ones

Planning a funeral is a huge hurdle for grieving family members who may be physically and emotionally exhausted. If even some planning has been done ahead, the burden of making rapid, costly decisions is eased.

Sometimes planning occurs near the end of life, but any information given or selections made are gifts to those who will execute the funeral.

Sherry Cochran’s father made decisions about his funeral while in hospice care, with his wife and six children present.

“My father was a minister, and he openly discussed his funeral,” said Cochran, a retired attorney in Raleigh, N.C. “He chose the hymns, minister, mortuary, cemetery and told us any casket we chose was fine as long as it was plain and didn’t cost much. When your parent is willing to talk about end-of-life issues and make decisions, it teaches you how to approach death and provides closure.”

Complete Article HERE!

How to Deal With a Bereavement As a Teen

Dealing with a death as a teenager can be extremely hard. Many teens have lost loved ones, so you aren’t alone!


1
Never be afraid to cry. Crying is good for you. It helps you let go of some of the hurt or anger you may have. You shouldn’t feel weak or silly while crying. After all this shows that you loved the person and that they were important to you.

2
Talk to someone you trust. This could be a parent or guardian, your best friend or if you are religious, a pastor or priest. Talking about the one you loved can help you remember all the good memories you have had with them.

3
Help yourself to remember them.
Listen to their favorite songs, look at pictures, read their favorite poem, plant their favorite flower in your garden. This is a good thing as it means you still have a small part of them with you.

4
Don’t blame yourself. This is a common reaction to the death of a loved one, but remember they wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.

5
If you are religious, find comfort in the fact they have gone to a better place. Remember that they are more peaceful, and there is no more hurt or pain were they are now.

6
Visit their grave site.
This can bring some comfort as you can take care of their grave site. If you do not like visiting a resting place it does not mean you are a bad person, they would understand that maybe you don’t want to remember them that way.

7
Pray.
Sometimes it can sound silly but if you are religious or even if you aren’t this can bring a lot of comfort as you feel closer to the person, you can talk to them and ask them to watch over you and keep you safe.

8
Have some alone time.
Time on your own can help you get your thoughts together. Sitting in silence for a while can be quite comforting and can help you feel better.

9
Remember the person how you want to.
Do not let other people tell you how to remember the one you loved. Remember them however you want. Your love for them could have been different than others.

10
Remember that they loved you.
They always will and by feeling pain this shows you also loved the person.

11
Say goodbye.
Say it however you want. Scattering the remains in a place they loved can bring some closure, also having a service can help you say goodbye.

Complete Article HERE!