Digital afterlife

– How to deal with social media accounts when someone dies

Untangling digital interactions after someone dies is becoming increasingly complicated.

Deciding what to do with a dead friend or relative’s online presence is complicated and time-consuming but there are shortcuts

By

Gavin Blomeley was lucky his mother was incredibly organised before she died. She left a note that included the passcode to her phone and access to all her online passwords.

“I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult this could have gotten not having these passwords or knowing this note with all of her passwords existed,” Blomeley says.

“In the note, my mum had an alphabetised, formula-based logic to all her passwords including banking, pensions, social media – everything.”

Untangling the web of someone’s online life after they die creates additional stress on top of grief and funeral planning, and it is getting increasingly complicated as more and more daily tasks are carried out online. There are bank accounts, email accounts, online bills and streaming subscriptions, as well as various social media accounts to consider.

There is no one-stop-shop or single method to memorialise or delete accounts. Some companies, including Google, are now deleting accounts after two years of inactivity but there is no consistency across platforms.

“Facebook, in some ways, is probably actually pretty progressive and a leader in this space,” says Bjorn Nansen, a digital media researcher in the “death tech” team at the University of Melbourne.

“Over time, they’ve developed their policies; you can nominate a legacy contact, so that when you pass away that person … can follow your wishes, and either close your account or memorialise it.”

Nansen says other platforms don’t have the same policy.

“You just have to follow the same old workarounds, which is, you leave your passwords to somebody and your wishes as to what you want to be done with the accounts and content. Often, you’re breaching the terms of service.”

He says it is getting more complicated with the advent of two-factor authentication using biometrics to ensure that only the account holder can access the account.

Nansen says online companies should make the process easier but increasingly people are including directives in their will and this is likely to increase over time as baby boomers die.

“We’re entering a period that’s been referred to as ‘peak death’. The baby boomer bubble means there’s going to be a high volume of deaths and it’s always going to be the next generation that’s going to have to deal with it … it will make awareness of the issue wider and may help bring around change.”

Standards Australia says about 60% of Australian adults have made a will but not all of those have accounted for their digital legacy.

The nongovernment standards body is part of a group of organisations from 35 countries proposing core principles and guidelines for how organisations should manage the process when a relative or executor requests access to an account of someone who has died.

Adam Stingemore, general manager of engagement and communications at Standards Australia, says that means developing a common set of definitions that companies can then build into terms of service.

“The worst time to be dealing with a challenge like this is if you know someone in your family has died, and there’s a feud between parties,” he says. “What we want to do is get ahead of that on these different types of platforms. There’s common sets of questions and people can make choices about what happens to their data and assets.”

Nansen says another factor is the privacy of the person who has died, and whether they want personal messages and content to be seen by family members or deleted.

“There’s complexity and nuance,” he says. “You might have emails, you might have messages, you might have photos, you might have videos that for a whole range of reasons you might want deleted or not want certain people to see.

“If you really want to be thorough, it’s not just providing access and instructions to a digital executor; it might be quite detailed instructions about different platforms and different content.”

Blomeley says his best advice is to ensure power of attorney is arranged beforehand, and access to accounts included as part of a regulated will.< He says the process of shutting down his mother’s accounts was time-consuming, despite having all the passwords. It took several weeks to sort out, through the grief of losing his mother. “Thankfully, we were all in a position where we were able to take time off work … but I can imagine this being much more complicated for certain individuals, based on varying circumstances.” Complete Article HERE!

Vatican Museums Open Ancient Roman Necropolis To The Public For The First Time

— A Fascinating Addition to the Vatican City Museums

The Vatican Museums, located within the awe-inspiring Vatican City, are renowned worldwide for their vast collections of art and historical artifacts. Serving as a beacon for art enthusiasts and history buffs alike, these museums offer a unique glimpse into the grandeur of the Catholic Church and its rich cultural heritage. However, a recent development has taken place that has further enhanced the allure of the Vatican City Museums. The Vatican Museums have now opened an ancient Roman necropolis to the public for the first time. This exciting addition allows visitors to journey even further back in time, exploring the intriguing burial practices and customs of ancient Romans. Let’s delve deeper into this newfound treasure and dive into the wonders of the Vatican Museums.

Delving into the Vatican City Museums: A Haven of Art and History

The Vatican City Museums have long been regarded as a treasure trove of masterpieces. With an extensive collection spanning various epochs and artistic styles, these museums grant a mesmerizing experience of the pinnacle of human creativity. Every year, millions of visitors flock to marvel at the Sistine Chapel, the monumental Saint Peter’s Basilica, and the breathtaking Raphael Rooms. However, until recently, the Vatican Museums had yet to unveil an untapped gem within their vast complex: an ancient Roman necropolis.

Journalists visit an ancient necropolis along the via triumphalis, an archaeological area containing a Roman burial ground during the presentation to the press of the new entrance to the site at the Vatican, Tuesday, Nov. 14, 2023. (AP Photo/Gregorio Borgia)

Unearthing the Past: The Roman Necropolis of the Vatican

Located below the Vatican City, the Roman necropolis offers visitors a unique opportunity to immerse themselves in ancient history. The term“necropolis” derives from ancient Greek, meaning“city of the dead,” and refers to the burial grounds used by ancient civilizations. These necropolises hold immense historical and archaeological value, shedding light on aspects of daily life, beliefs, and burial practices of the people who lived during those times. The Roman necropolis beneath the Vatican City encapsulates this sentiment and offers an intriguing insight into the lives of ancient Romans.

From Tombstone to Time Machine: Exploring the Roman Necropolis

As visitors embark on their journey through the Roman necropolis, they will be transported back in time through a series of well-preserved burial chambers and tombs. The necropolis spans several centuries and allows visitors to witness the evolution of burial practices, from simple chambers to elaborate mausoleums adorned with intricate artwork. The subterranean network of tunnels and chambers showcases the diversity of tombs, offering a glimpse into the social structure and beliefs of ancient Roman society.

A mosaic is displayed inside an ancient necropolis along the via triumphalis, an archaeological area containing a Roman burial ground during the presentation to the press of the new entrance to the site at the Vatican, Tuesday, Nov. 14, 2023.

Unveiling the Ancient Art of Funeral Rites

The Roman necropolis is not only a testament to the architectural brilliance of the ancient world; it is a showcase of the artistry and reverence held for the deceased. Visitors will discover beautifully carved sculptures and intricate tomb decorations, depicting scenes from mythology and capturing the essence of the departed individuals’ lives. Elaborate frescoes, mosaics, and inscriptions add depth and texture to the necropolis, unveiling the customs, traditions, and spiritual beliefs associated with funeral rites.

Roman Necropolis: A Portal to the Past

For centuries, the Roman necropolis has remained hidden beneath the Vatican, preserved in remarkable condition. Now, with its doors opened to the public, visitors have the opportunity to traverse an underground time capsule. Walking through the narrow passageways, visitors can ponder the stories of those who lived centuries ago, imagining the lives they led and the legacy they left behind. It is an experience that not only piques curiosity but also fosters a profound understanding of our shared human history.

Preservation Challenges: Balancing Access and Conservation

The decision to open the Roman necropolis to the public was undoubtedly a challenging one. Preservation efforts need to strike a balance between providing public access and ensuring the ongoing conservation of these invaluable ancient artifacts. The Vatican Museums have vigilantly implemented measures to protect the necropolis, including environmental controls, regular maintenance, and visitor limits. This delicate equilibrium ensures that future generations can continue to enjoy and learn from this extraordinary archaeological site.

The Power of Immersive Education: Learning through Exploration

By offering access to the Roman necropolis, the Vatican Museums enrich the educational experience for visitors of all ages. Instead of merely observing artifacts from a distance, visitors can now actively engage with history, fostering a deeper understanding and appreciation for ancient Roman culture. The opportunity to explore these hidden chambers and decipher the stories they hold creates a sense of wonder and ignites a desire for further exploration and learning.

A Glimpse into the Past

The Vatican Museums’ decision to open the ancient Roman necropolis to the public provides a remarkable opportunity to step back in time and immerse oneself in the mysteries of ancient Rome. This newly accessible site adds another layer of fascination to the already captivating Vatican City Museums. As visitors traverse the subterranean corridors and stand before monumental tombs, they can forge a connection with the past, appreciating the richness and complexity of ancient Roman culture. We can only hope that this extraordinary archaeological treasure will continue to be preserved and shared for generations to come, allowing future visitors to be inspired by the wonders of the Roman necropolis.

Complete Article HERE!

How we remember the dead by their digital afterlives

— A broad-ranging analysis asks whether we can achieve a kind of immortality by documenting our lives and deaths online.


Through virtual reality, people can interact with avatars of loved ones.

By Margaret Gibson

The Digital Departed: How We Face Death, Commemorate Life, and Chase Virtual Immortality Timothy Recuber NYU Press (2023)

Many of us will have turned to the Internet to grieve and remember the dead — by posting messages on the Facebook walls of departed friends, for instance. Yet, we should give more thought to how the dead and dying themselves exert agency over their online presence, argues US sociologist Timothy Recuber in The Digital Departed.

In his expansive scholarly analysis, Recuber examines more than 2,000 digital texts, from blog posts by those who are terminally ill to online suicide notes and pre-prepared messages designed to be e-mailed to loved ones after someone has died. As he notes, “the digital data in this book are sad, to be sure, and they have often brought me to tears as I collected and analyzed them”. Yet, they are well worth delving into.

Recuber brings a fresh lens to studies of death culture by focusing on the feelings and intentions of the people who are dying, rather than those of the mourners. For example, he finds that a person’s sense of self can be altered through blogging about their illness. Writing freely helps people to come to terms with their deaths by making their suffering “legible and understandable”. Reflections on family and friends also reveal a sense of self-transformation. Indeed, many bloggers “attested to the positive value of the experience of a terminal illness, for the way it brought them closer to loved ones and especially for the wisdom it generated.”

This theme of self-transformation, which Recuber refers to as ‘digital reenchantment’, continues throughout the book. This terminology relates to the work of German sociologist Max Weber, who, at the turn of the twentieth century, argued that humans’ increasing ability to understand the world through science was robbing life of magic and mystery — a process he called disenchantment. When the dead seem to be resurrected through digital media, Recuber argues, they regain that mystery.

Recuber explores how X (formerly Twitter) hashtags can act as a form of collective online rememberance. He focuses on photos and stories shared in posts that use two hashtags, sparked by violent deaths of Black people in the United States: #IfIDieInPoliceCustody, in response to Sandra Bland’s death in prison in Waller County, Texas, in July 2015, and #IfTheyGunnedMeDown, which remembers Michael Brown, who was shot by police in Ferguson, Missouri, in August 2014. The “thousands of individual micro-narratives” posted in these threads, Recuber writes, amount to a “collectively composed story affirming the value of all Black lives and legacies”. They are memorials for the lives that have already been lost and for those that might be in future.

The author considers the perspectives of the individuals whose deaths inspired each hashtag. For example, 28-year-old Bland was imprisoned after being arrested for a driving offence. Friends and family questioned the police’s assertion that Bland had committed suicide, and #IfIDieInPoliceCustody was tweeted 16,500 times in its first week, as the result of the online attention that the case gained. What would Bland and Brown think of this coverage, Recuber asks? They might have been proud of this legacy, but they had no say in it. In a sense they are “doubly victimized”, he suggests, losing not only their lives but also “the agency to define themselves and the ways they’d like to be remembered”.

In the book’s most intriguing section, Recuber turns to transhumanism — the idea that, some time in the future, advanced technologies yet to be imagined could enable digital records of the human mind to be uploaded to the Internet. A person’s consciousness could then ‘live’ online forever.

Recuber interviews four men who lead companies that are helping people to preserve digital aspects of themselves or that are otherwise concerned with transhumanism. Bruce Duncan runs the Lifenaut project, part of the non-profit Terasem Movement Foundation, based in Bristol, Vermont, which allows users to create a digital archive of their reflections, photos and genetic code for future researchers to study. Eric Klien is the president and founder of the Lifeboat Foundation, a non-governmental organization based in Reno, Nevada, which is devoted to overcoming catastrophic and existential risks to humans, including from misuse of technologies. Robert McIntyre is the chief executive of Nectome, based in San Francisco, California, which works on techniques for embalming brains for future information retrieval. And Randal Koene is the chief scientific officer of the Carboncopies Foundation, based in San Francisco, a research organization that works on whole-brain emulation — a “neuroprosthetic system that is able to serve the same function as the brain”.

A man works on a laptop whose screen is covered in rectangular icons.
Artificial-intelligence firms are working to develop digital replicas of the dead.

According to Recuber, none could give a clear explanation for how mind uploading would work. That’s not surprising — neuroscientists are divided on whether it is even possible. But each interviewee had faith that it would become a possibility. Koene wonders whether uploaded minds might find a home in some kind of robotic body. Duncan and McIntyre imagine a disembodied human consciousness able to travel through space and visit other planets or stars.

Yet, Recuber was troubled to find that these men said very little about the social and ethical questions raised by mind uploading. Building a ‘superior’ type of human has a “whiff of eugenics” about it, he writes. The whole process would be expensive, perhaps creating a future division in social classes, with only the rich able to afford it. Duncan and Koene pointed out that this might not be true in the future — the prices of technologies, such as smartphones and data-storage units, tend to fall quite quickly.

Recuber does find people raising ethical concerns on the online discussion platform Reddit, where he examined more than 900 posts about transhumanism. One user was appalled that “the richest and most comfortable people in history spent their money and resources trying to live forever on the backs of their descendants”. But philosophical debates are much more popular, such as whether the uploaded disembodied mind would be equivalent to or superior to one’s own.

Transhumanism, Recuber notes, is working towards a very different type of online legacy from those discussed elsewhere in his book; it is focused not on strengthening ties with humanity but on cutting them. This idea of moving beyond mortal biological limits — gaining immortality through science and technology — is an old dream in a new guise. For religious people, the immortal substance is the soul; for transhumanists, it is the mind.

It is in these critiques of transhumanism that Recuber is at his sociological best. His astute comments exemplify a second theme of The Digital Departed — that inequalities that persist in the physical world are mirrored in peoples’ online lives. He cautions the public about narratives that promote technological progress as necessarily good. Despite the rhetoric of liberation through technological progress, we all must remain wary. There are no guarantees that mind uploading will be properly regulated, or benefit those in need. Mortal problems such as food and water shortages and human violence, as well as the lack of housing and health care, have greater priority in my view.

It is a shame, however, that the book ignores feminist perspectives on transhumanism. These contend that ideas of the soul or mind in philosophy have historically operated as a gender hierarchy — men and the masculine are considered primordial, whereas women and the feminine are treated as secondary, linked to the body and the mortal realm. Transhumanism will not benefit women or gender-diverse people unless it engages with its own inherited systems of thought and narrative.

Nonetheless, The Digital Departed is a valuable book that presents many moving stories about the way that our digital life foreshadows our biological departure. The author’s engagement with classical and modern sociological theory will be appreciated by scholars and appeal to readers of all stripes.

Complete Article HERE!

Funeral Planning Can Prevent Further Grief

— Losing a loved one is stressful enough without having to deal with a botched funeral. Preplanning, due diligence and good communication can head off difficult surprises.

By

When a loved one dies, the grief experienced by family members may be overwhelming. Even when the deceased was elderly and the death was expected, it can be challenging to move forward with funeral planning and burial preparations. Imagine how much more difficult it can be for a family who loses a loved one unexpectedly.

Horror stories about unscrupulous funeral homes have been front-page fodder for more than a century – see Jessica Mitford’s 1963 book American Way of Death – and I have personally handled more of these cases than I care to think about. When people are dealing with the death of someone close to them, the last thing they should be dealing with is a botched funeral.

Despite strong consumer protection laws and the licensing of funeral home directors, it is still possible to experience bad service from a funeral home. But with good information and careful planning, family members should have their moment to pay their respects with dignity.

Preplanned Funerals Present Best Scenario

The best scenario is, of course, a preplanned funeral. The deceased has either made arrangements in advance or has left written instructions about how things should be handled. The directive clearly outlines the steps to be taken by loved ones, saving them from having to make those decisions following the death.

It sounds simple and straightforward, but it is not always so simple. Family members owe it to the deceased – and to themselves – to ensure that the provider chosen by the deceased a year or a decade ago is still in business and reputable. Just because the directive names a specific funeral home does not mean that survivors are obligated to entrust the remains to that home. If the named funeral home raises concerns for the family (more about this below), it is far better to move forward with a different funeral home, despite the deceased’s wishes.

Due Diligence When Looking for a Funeral Home Can Head Off Surprises

If the deceased failed to make funeral plans in advance, or if the family believes plans must be changed because of new information they’ve received about the designated funeral home, the process of shopping for a good funeral home begins. It isn’t like shopping for a car: There are no lemon laws or do-overs if they get it wrong. Once a contract for funeral or burial services has been signed and the funeral home has taken possession of a body, it may be impossible to back out of the commitment. Therefore, the more due diligence done beforehand, the better everyone should sleep. 

It starts with doing basic research. Read customer reviews. Check for complaints with the Better Business Bureau and state licensing agencies. Look at county records to see if there is a history of lawsuits against the funeral home. The more you know up front, the fewer surprises there should be down the line.

Then meet with representatives of the funeral home to learn about their services. Every funeral home is obligated to provide prospective customers with a menu of choices before having them sign an agreement. If the funeral home staff try to sell you a package, or you feel in any way pressured to make a choice before you have seen their menu, leave the premises and look for another provider.

Don’t Hesitate to Ask Questions and Keep Lines of Communication Open

Ask questions before signing anything. Find out whether the home has received a death certificate for the deceased and, if not, how long it should take to get a certificate following an autopsy or medical examiner’s review. If there will be a cremation, consider asking the home whether they can preserve the body so that it can be viewed prior to the cremation. Make sure you feel comfortable that the funeral home will honor the deceased’s wishes, if preplanning was done, or that they understand and will honor your wishes if no advance directive was created by the deceased.

After you’ve signed an agreement with the funeral home on the package you’ve chosen, the ball is essentially in the funeral home’s court. It will be extremely difficult to undo things if you’re unhappy with its work. Even though there is nothing left for you to do other than wait for the work to be completed, expect to have ongoing communications with the home.

The funeral home should continue to be available to answer your questions, and it should be keeping you apprised of its progress with your case. If you believe that something has not been done correctly, or you have other concerns about the services being performed, representatives of the home should be willing to meet with you to discuss these issues.

Reporting Issues to the Proper Agencies

Unfortunately, even with the best of planning, things can go wrong. If you believe that a funeral home has handled things improperly or violated your trust, you can and should report it to the proper agencies. At the federal level, this would be the Federal Trade Commission. At the state level, it will likely be the appropriate licensing board for the industry. You can also reach out to nonprofit groups such as Funeral Consumers Alliance or the Funeral Consumer Guardian Society.

If you have suffered emotional distress or other injury as a result of a funeral home’s actions, contact an attorney who has experience with these types of cases. The consumer organizations named above may be able to provide referrals.

Complete Article HERE!

‘A good send-off’

— Why food plays a major role in Irish wakes and funerals

Irish funerals and wakes since ancient times have always highlighted the importance of food, feasting and hospitality

By

As one of those who lost an elderly parent during the pandemic, we were unable to give the appropriate ‘send-off’ to a member of the older generation who would have fully expected one. I found myself at one stage mechanically making two sliced pans worth of sandwiches in my late mother’s kitchen, forgetting there would be no mourners coming to serve them to due to lockdown restrictions.

This brought into sharp focus the real function of funeral hospitality: without visitors to share the food with, my immediate family lacked the impetus – or the appetite – and the food was thrown out days later. It’s the rituals that help make a funeral. Often we don’t know why, but we enact them in the knowledge that it’s what we’re supposed to do. Without the anchor of a set of traditions to follow, the days around a funeral, difficult enough to navigate with grief, felt even more rudderless at the height of Covid.

Providing appropriate provisions for guests was a deep seated concept in Ireland. Under the Brehon laws, a householder was required to offer food and lodging to any traveller passing through. The higher a guest’s social status, the higher level of hospitality they expected to receive.

Later, great funeral feasts were held for Gaelic chieftains where the new heir marked his succession by providing ceremonial meals for mourners. These funeral banquets were as much about the heir’s generosity for appearances’ sake. Lavish hospitality could help advance a family in Gaelic society by demonstrating prestige and power.

Stakes were high, and guests with elevated expectations could be quite judgemental about what was on offer. Guests attending funerals expected good food and drink to be served. Traditionally, mourners were provided with food and drink to provide sustenance while they sat up with the corpse through all-night wakes. Partaking of hospitality was one of many rituals that, once enacted during this liminal period, was another stage in signifying the soul of the deceased passing over into the next realm.

Perhaps therein lies the roots of Irish generosity in such circumstances: legislated in old Irish law and as a concept in tradition, it became innate in folk custom that it was right and proper to offer appropriate hospitality. It was also considered ‘unlucky to refuse’, and the superstitious time around a funeral was not one where people took their chances with luck.

By the early 20th century, bestowing hospitality despite humble circumstances was a key tenet of Irish identity. James Joyce wrote, albeit ironically, that “the tradition of genuine warm-hearted courteous Irish hospitality, which our forefathers have handed down to us and which we in turn must hand down to our descendants, is still alive among us.” The idea that generous hospitality must be extended continues to be key in most Irish celebrations and feasting today. Being conscious of appearances and not wanting to let the side down or being seen as ‘stingy’ can lead to the often-extravagant spread at Irish gatherings.

The multi-use table

From the post Famine period and into living memory, the ‘feasts’ that maintained formal dining seated at tables were wedding breakfasts and harvest feasts. Funeral catering involved simple food usually served ‘in the hand’ or passed around to mourners informally seated while conversing. These would have been much humbler than the medieval banquets of old.

Late 19th century traditional Irish kitchen table, still in use in the O’Brien homestead in Kilbrittain Co Cork.

At Irish wakes throughout the 19th century, sitting at the kitchen table for hospitality was off-limits, because that piece of furniture was a focal point for reasons other than food. The kitchen table or ‘bord’ might alternatively contain an altar or the corpse itself. When laid out and ready to view on the table the corpse was termed ‘over board’. According to the funeral director David McGowan, this term persisted into living memory.

In earlier times at wakes, the long wooden stretchers underneath the tabletop might be where the corpse was laid out, while the tabletop was used as an altar. Most families would have lacked appropriate furniture to serve the large number of mourners in a formal manner, and neighbours often loaned furniture and crockery.

‘Wake provisions’

As one of the key events in Irish life, guests not only fully expected ‘a good spread’ at a funeral but it had also been also keenly anticipated by the deceased that they would have, and be given, a ‘good send off’. In the more recent past, even the poorest people saved money so that their funeral could be catered suitably.

At a time of frugal diets, dominated by potatoes and buttermilk, a funeral offered a chance to feast on treats: tea with sugar, bread with jam, a glass of whiskey, good tobacco. These were key on the shopping list known as the ‘wake provisions’.

A wake provisions list from 1912 in the Clay Pipe Museum, Knockcroghery, Co Roscommon.

The custom was that male relatives of the deceased were responsible for going to the local grocer to collect this. The men had to do this in pairs, to have another to-hand for protection from any evil spirits at a potentially dangerous spiritual time. The wake provisions included clay pipes and tobacco, alcohol such as porter and whiskey, along with tea, shop-bought white bread, jam, sugar and meat.

In the past, wakes and funerals, along with fairs and pilgrimages, were large gatherings that allowed a usually dispersed rural community to come together. Many wakes were places for young people to stay up late and socialise, and some wake games facilitated flirtation and courtship. In addition, the serving of treats and alcohol gave a party atmosphere that along with some of the ‘heathen’ customs involved drew the ire of the Catholic Church.

Funeral hospitality today

Although many customs have died out, the funeral in Ireland retains an importance as a collective event, and one where hospitality remains important. Today, this is more formal, invite-only and restrained when compared to the past, when mourners would simply turn up at the house when they heard keening begin. Wakes are now often denoted as ‘house private’ or take place, carefully regulated, in funeral homes.

Any home catering is usually informally served tea and triangle-cut sandwiches, (egg mayonnaise, or ham, or cheese for vegetarians) along with cakes and scones. Church services are followed by cremation or burial, and the ‘afters’ now usually take place at a hotel, where that intrinsic Irish hospitality is remnant in the form of a sit-down meal for invited guests.

Post Celtic Tiger, Irish hotels have become the real engines behind the hospitality for life events that once took place in the home: funerals, weddings, and other celebrations. Hotels and their staff can offer a fascinating lens through which to observe contemporary Irish customs and rituals.

One Irish chef I spoke to observed that ‘hotel’ funerals are not as big as other such events, guests do not linger long and there is a reluctance to take alcohol as many are driving. “From what I’ve witnessed, formal sit-down [funeral] meals are a much quieter affair where people don’t really know how to ‘be’“.

The formalities therefore tend to stifle the atmosphere. The wish to offer substantial hospitality to guests, versus what the guests might actually prefer, and the struggle to figure out what is appropriate these days – food truck? Barbeque? – is a particularly modern Irish conundrum, and one that might be solved by a return to slightly more traditional rituals.

Sean Moncrieff recently wrote of the comfort of funeral food from a mourner’s point of view, and how it is an evocative part of the grieving process. From the point of view of the bereaved, serving and interacting with guests (be it at a wake house or hotel) offers a welcome fleeting distraction from grief. It gently encourages eating and engagement at a time when the stomach feels hollow. To this day, wherever the location, offering and partaking of hospitality, and ritually sharing and consuming, all continues to be an essential part of the Irish funeral tradition, and will continue to be in whatever form it takes in the future.

Complete Article HERE!

‘I attended my own send-off’

— How living funerals are changing the way we deal with death

I watched my own dad die when I was 25, and it made me realise how awkward people get around the subject. I wanted to see if living funerals – both those for the terminally ill and those who are not – are opening up how we talk about death.

By

I am lying in a coffin, the lid gently placed on top. A warm light filters through the woven fibres, as a meditation chant reverberates around the room.

“Welcome to your funeral,” death doula Emily Cross said, moments earlier.

A photograph of me and my husband sits between two flickering candles, with confetti from our wedding scattered in front of the frame. I wriggle, trying to relax but coffins, it turns out, aren’t designed for comfort.

Meditating on my own death isn’t how I spend most Tuesday evenings. But like many who seek out Emily’s services, I am intrigued by the idea of confronting my own mortality.

“Everyone comes with a different reason,” Emily, 35, says when I ask her about the kind of people who usually attend. Sometimes they are dying, sometimes they are just curious about the service.

I watched my own dad die when I was 25, and it made me realise how awkward people get around the subject. I wanted to see if living funerals – both those for the terminally ill and those who are not – are opening up how we talk about death.

Dad’s funeral was beautiful and cathartic – 500 people packed out a church to celebrate him. I remember wishing he had been there to see how deeply loved he was.

Emily’s living funeral is a more solitary affair, and you don’t need to be dying to do it. To start, she plays haunting music and asks participants to look at a photo of themselves, imagining they are dead. Then they are asked to visualise their bodies shutting down before being “brought back to life” in a coffin.

I only go through part of the ceremony but it’s enough to bring up a raft of emotions. Lying inside the cosy coffin, I remember how shocked I felt seeing Dad in his – that such a larger-than-life figure could fit into such a small space. It’s a relief when the lid is lifted, the room comes back into view and Emily helps me stand.

Death doula Emily Cross
Death doula Emily Cross

Earlier this year, Kris Hallenga – one of the founders of breast cancer charity CoppaFeel who shares her own cancer journey with her 145,000 Instagram followers – threw herself, what she called, a FUNeral.

Kris sent out invitations shaped like coffins. Inside each was a test tube of tequila and a letter explaining her intention.

Guests were invited to sign a cardboard replica of her coffin and childhood footage was projected around Truro Cathedral in Cornwall. Dawn French did the eulogy in character as the Vicar of Dibley, while Kris gave a speech and sparkled in a glittery jumpsuit.

Instagram This content is provided by Instagram, which may be using cookies and other technologies. To show you this content, we need your permission to use cookies. You can use the buttons below to amend your preferences to enable Instagram cookies or to allow those cookies just once. You can change your settings at any time via the Privacy Options.

For Robert Hale, he decided to hold his own living funeral when he found out he had just months to live. When the 33-year-old aerospace engineer was told by doctors that his leukaemia was terminal, he decided to organise a “happy send-off commemorating my life”.

“The doctors were honest,” he said, his dogs curled up on the sofa next to him. “They said straight from the start, I didn’t have a good prognosis.”

With the support of his parents, he arranged to hold his living funeral at a farm park near his home in Gloucestershire.

“I used to go there as a child for the parties and thought it would be a good place,” he said.

Rob Hale
Rob Hale

He was surprised when hundreds of friends and family turned up on the day. At one point, he snuck off to take on what he calls the “death slide” – despite being fitted with a catheter – only to be greeted by 50 people cheering him on at the bottom of the steep drop.

“It was overwhelming,” he said. “I had friends that I hadn’t seen for years. I’d always told myself that I would catch up with them next year, because I thought I had plenty of time.”

Now, he says he can “go without leaving anything unsaid”.

Rob didn’t flinch when he talked about his own death and shared candid accounts of his final year on Instagram. He said he wanted to be honest about what was ahead of him.

“The closer I get to the end, the more important those things become because other people are facing it,” he said.

Rob died three weeks after we spoke – but his parents, Caron and Nigel, told me they wanted his story to be told.

Caron and Nigel Hale
Caron and Nigel Hale

End-of-life ceremonies are nothing new – in some cultures, they have been around for hundreds, or even thousands, of years. But their exact roots are difficult to track.

Before a member’s death, the Native American tribe the Lakota Sioux of South Dakota repair relationships, make amends, and distribute family heirlooms. A similar tradition became popular in Japan in the 1990s as the older generation sought to remove the financial burden of funerals from their children.

In 2019, the Hyowon Healing Centre in South Korea began offering free-living funerals to the public as a way of tackling high suicide rates in the country, which in 2016, was almost double the global average.

Participants, who were usually completely healthy, would undergo a meditation, often while in a coffin or under a shroud, and come face to face with their own mortality and the realities of death.

Death doula Emily says she was inspired by these Eastern practices. Situated in a Dorset village, her Steady Waves Centre is something of an anomaly on this quiet, rural high street. Originally from the US, she says she suspects residents sometimes wonder “what that weird American girl is up to”.

“There’s a [fishing] shop next door, and people just walk in here by accident thinking it’s a tackle shop,” she says, laughing. “I’ll say something like, this isn’t a tackle shop, but do you want to come lay in a coffin?”

So far, no one has taken her up on that offer, she says.

Rachel Bass, a Pagan celebrant, has planned plenty of funerals – including her own.

“I was born with a serious heart condition, so I’ve always been aware of my own mortality,” the 47-year-old says.

Rachel has had several major surgeries for her condition, tetralogy of Fallot, and doctors have always been very clear with her that she is unlikely to “make it to old age”. During the COVID lockdown, her health declined dramatically and she made contact with a hospice to begin planning her end of life – but emergency heart surgery bought her some more time.

But it made her realise if she organised – and attended – her own living funeral, there would be less of a burden on her family.

Rachel Bass
Rachel Bass

“In the last few years, other problems have arisen,” she says, referring to scarring she has suffered on her liver. “It’s made me more conscious of [death] because I’m only going to go one way.”

Rachel also lost her mum at the age of 24. “For me, it is about accepting that I will not make old bones,” she says.

While we talk, Rachel lightens the mood with laughter, but she does admit that the idea of leaving her 21-year-old son behind makes her emotional. “All I care about is my son, who still relies on me,” she says.

While she doesn’t feel the need to set a date for her living funeral, she has started to plan it. It will be held in the town where she grew up and will feature karaoke and a 1970s-style buffet.

“I’d like to give away my jewellery and certain books at that point too, so I know everything has gone to the right people,” she says.

Jane Murray, who manages bereavement support at the Marie Curie hospice in the West Midlands, tells me living funerals are “definitely becoming more popular”.

She says patients often become frustrated planning traditional funerals: “People think – it’s going to be such a good time and I’m not going to be there. That leads to have you ever thought about having it beforehand?”

Kris Hallenga was supported with her FUNeral by Legacy of Lives, a social enterprise that helps with funeral planning.

“We hope it will encourage more people to be open about death and what they want after they die,” says the charity’s chief executive, Rebecca Peach.

Rebecca Peach from Legacy of Lives said how we talk about death is changing

Data from Legacy of Lives found that less than 1% of people surveyed knew the funeral wishes of their loved ones, which Rebecca says can cause trauma, especially in the case of sudden death.

“I hate when I go see families and they don’t know what that person wanted. That’s tough on them at a traumatic time,” says Rachel, explaining why she has been so explicit in her funeral planning.

A party to plan your own death isn’t everyone’s idea of a good time, but after James Barrett’s dad died of lung cancer during COVID, he realised how important it was to know a person’s wishes.

Pic: My Goodbyes
ames hosted a ‘death party’ with his mum and her sisters. Pic: My Goodbyes

He developed the My Goodbyes app to help people plan, and host, their own death parties.

His mother was initially reluctant but agreed to participate. The party they hosted with her sisters ended up lasting two hours.

“They were arguing over which song they wanted, saying, you can’t have that, that’s my song,” James says, laughing.

Pic: My Goodbyes
Pic: My Goodbyes

I empathised with James – losing dad was the most difficult experience of my life, and he only opened up about his own funeral in the weeks before. There was a constant fear of doing something he didn’t want before I ultimately realised there were no wrong choices when it came to planning his funeral.

While stepping into a coffin sounds like an odd form of therapy, I found it cathartic. My mind wandered from the profound: would I be as open as Rob and Rachel about my own death if I knew it was coming? To the mundane: would my husband remember to de-flea the cats when I was gone?

I’ve spent weeks immersed in discussions of death but I have never felt more alive. Because it was Rob, and his courage and strength, that left me with the most to think about.

Rob Hale
Rob Hale
< "Death shouldn't be something you hide from," he told me. "Everyone goes through it. We are all going to die at some point. I think we need to be more open about it and embrace life rather than focusing on death." Complete Article HERE!

Why You Should Consider a Death Doula

— End-of-life doulas are compassionate and knowledgeable guides who can walk with you through death and grief.

By Anna Lee Beyer

We’re all going to die, and before that, we will probably navigate the deaths of several people we love along the way.

Too dark? Discomfort with the idea of death may be the reason that people rarely talk about it, plan for it, or teach each other how to cope with it.

“Many people in our society are death phobic and do not want to talk about it,” said Marady Duran, a social worker, doula, and educator with the International End-of-Life Doula Association. “Being an end-of-life doula has been so much more than just my bedside experiences. I am able to talk with friends, family, and strangers about death and what scares them or what plans they have. Being a doula is also about educating our communities that there are many options for how end-of-life decisions can be made.”

When you or a loved one inevitably faces death, there can be an overwhelming feeling of What do I do now? What do I do with these feelings… and all this paperwork? End-of-life doulas (also called death doulas or death coaches) are compassionate and knowledgeable guides who can walk with you through death and grief.

The experience of supporting a childhood friend through her death at the age of 27 motivated Ashley Johnson, president of the National End-of-life Doula Alliance, to commit herself to this role.

“Walking alongside her during her journey, I recognized the tremendous need for education, service, and companionship for individuals and their families facing end-of-life challenges,” Johnson said. “The passing of my dear friend only solidified my commitment to this path. I saw it as my calling to extend the same level of care and support to others who were navigating the complexities of end-of-life experiences. I firmly believe that every individual deserves the dignity of a well-supported end-of-life journey, and that starts with demystifying the process, reducing fear, and helping families achieve the proper closure they need to heal.”

What to expect from a death doula

The services provided by an end-of-life doula are actually pretty varied and flexible. Much like birth doulas, they do not provide any medical care. These are some of the services Johnson said she provides in her work:

  • Advance health care planning. This might include a living will, setting up durable power of attorney for health care, and advance directive decisions. “We help individuals and their families navigate the complex process of advance healthcare planning, ensuring their wishes and choices are respected and documented,” Johnson said.
  • Practical training for family caregivers. End-of-life doulas can teach caretakers and family members how to physically care for their loved ones as they near death.
  • Companionship to patients. “We provide emotional support and companionship to patients, helping to ease their feelings of isolation and anxiety,” Johnson said.
  • Relief for family caregivers. Caring for a dying family member can be relentless, but caregivers need time to step away and care for themselves too.
  • Creating a plan for support at the patient’s time of death. A person nearing the end of their life may be comforted by many things in their environment, from the lighting, music, aromatherapy, and who’s present. A doula can help coordinate all the details.
  • Grief support. “Our role extends into the grieving process, offering support to both the dying person’s loved ones and the patient during the end-of-life journey and beyond,” Johnson said.
  • Vigil presence for actively dying patients. “We ensure that no one faces the end of life alone by being a comforting and compassionate presence during the active dying process,”Johnson said.
  • Help with planning funeral and memorial services. Planning services is a complicated task to tackle while you are likely exhausted with grief. Doulas have been through this process many times and can be a steady hand while you make decisions.

“Our aim as death doulas is to enhance the quality of life and death for all involved,” Johnson said. “We provide a range of non-medical support, fostering an environment where individuals and their loved ones can find comfort, guidance, and a sense of peace during this profound and delicate phase of life.”

When is it time to bring in a doula?

Death doulas can provide comfort and support to both the dying person and their loved ones at any stage of the process. They can step in to help before, during, or after a death.

  • At any time, before you even receive a terminal diagnosis, doulas can help you prepare emotionally and practically with planning for end-of-life wishes, advance care planning, and creating a supportive environment.
  • During the end-of-life phase, doulas are more present to offer emotional, spiritual and practical support. They may be available weekly or daily, as needed.
  • After death, doula services continue for the family of the deceased.

“There really is no timeline for grief,” Duran said. “Some will want to meet one or two times after the death, and some do not want to do grief work at all. It is a personal journey, and some people may take years to do the work.”

Support for an unexpected death

Not all deaths come with an advanced warning or time to prepare and plan. Even in the case of an unexpected death, an end-of-life doula can help you handle practical details and process grief. They can:

  • Provide emotional support
  • Help you understand the grief process
  • Teach you coping strategies
  • Help with arrangements, legal, and financial matters
  • Help you create meaningful memorial rituals to honor the deceased
  • Provide connection and community
  • Listen and validate your feelings
  • Provide long-term support

“My mentor Ocean Phillips, who is also a doula, always reminds me that ‘grief is another form of love,’” Duran said. “Grief gets a bad rap, and many people do not want to feel grief, but it can be transformative for many who experience it. People who go through an unexpected death of a loved one may feel guilt—‘If only I…I could have…’ The doula can hold space for them and allow them to share that. We can never fix or change, but we can stand with them and provide loving kindness along the way.”

Other professionals to help you navigate a death

Death doulas work in conjunction with many other professionals, including healthcare workers and hospice staff, to help families go through the process of death and all that follows.

“The whole team has a piece in being able to connect with those navigating grief and death. I always recognize that I am just one small part of the larger community that will help support those facing death and loss,” Duran said.

These are a few other professionals you might want to reach out to when facing the death of a loved one:

Complete Article HERE!