- COVID-19 has taken the lives of multiple loved ones from some families.
- Dealing with the death of more than one family member at a time is a concurrent crisis.
- There are ways to deal with such grief.
Bob and Bano Carlos were married 53 years when they both died from COVID-19.
According to their daughter, Tracey Carlos, they were inseparable.
“As important as my brother and I were to them, they were everything to each other,” she told Healthline.
During a phone call on March 14, 2020, Carlos learned that her mom had a fever and that her father wasn’t feeling well.
“They lived in a retirement community in Florida and assumed COVID was in the West Coast and hadn’t reached the East Coast yet. Florida was downplaying it at the time, and so they continued to live their life,” Carlos said.
Both of Carlos’ parents tested positive for COVID-19, and both were intubated in the intensive care unit (ICU) on March 20.
Because her mother lived with myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS), Carlos knew the chances of her surviving COVID-19 were unlikely.
She died on March 25 at 73 years old.
Carlos lives in Olympia, Washington, and wasn’t able to travel to Florida to be near her mother before she passed. However, Carlos did get there in time for her father’s last days.
“Dad lasted 30 days in the ICU, and we fully expected him to recover. He had COPD, but he practically forgot he had it because it [was managed] and wasn’t a major part of his life,” Carlos said.
Bob died on April 24 at 75 years old.
“It’s so hard to lose them both, but [the only] relief — and that’s hard to say — is that we didn’t have to tell Dad that Mom passed away,” Carlos said.
Losing more than one family member in a short time frame is considered a concurrent crisis, said Therese A. Rando, PhD, psychologist and owner of the Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss.
“When the second person dies, the individual is still dealing with the loss of the first person,” Rando told Healthline.
This type of loss can lead to grief overload, or cumulative grief.
“We know this happens with both subsequential and nonsubsequential loss. Say two people die in an accident or fire. Your grief and mourning for Person A is complicated by the fact that you also have the burden of the grief and mourning for Person B, and that stresses you, adds to the traumatization, and reduces your support system,” Rando said.
Reviewing your relationship with the deceased is part of healthy mourning, she added.
“We go over it and think about the good, bad, happy, and sad times. Doing this is more challenging when you are reviewing Person A and that inherently means dealing with the loss of Person B, because they are also involved in that story you are reviewing,” she said.
Grief overload is a high risk factor for having complications with mourning.
While people who lose multiple loved ones will still experience the stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — Dr. Leela Magavi, psychiatrist and regional medical director for Community Psychiatry, said the severity of the pain may be amplified.
“When individuals are overwhelmed with multiple losses, they are more likely to remain in the stage of denial for longer periods of time,” she told Healthline.
Magavi said they may engage in avoidant behavior by consuming alcohol or using substances to numb their pain.
“I have evaluated many children and adults who begin to stress and binge eat to alleviate their emotional pain,” she said.
The pressure to grieve both losses at once or equally can also add to the complexity of the situation.
“Each loss warrants time, reflection, and healing. If the individual had a complicated relationship with someone who passed, they may feel more guilty about this loss than the other due to their conflicting feelings,” Magavi said.
Conversely, she said they may feel shame and guilt if they don’t feel as saddened by one loss compared to the other.
“I remind individuals that there is no correct way to grieve,” Magavi said.
For Carlos, grief sometimes means mourning both of her parents together as well as separately.
“I used to talk to my mom every Saturday and I’ll find myself thinking, ‘Oh, I can’t wait to tell her this’ and then I realize I can’t tell her. And my dad had a job that involved him being a pirate at Disney World, so anything to do with pirates makes me stop and think of him,” she said.
Despite the notion that losing both parents is the natural order of life, Rando said research shows there are fundamental shifts that people make in the aftermath of losing their parents.
“When it’s a parent and you have a good relationship with them, you are incredibly impacted. Your parents know you from day one and you share such an incredible history. Losing them is a devastation of parts of the original family unit,” she said.
While the loss of both parents is complex, there are ways to cope. Below are some to consider.
Death during the pandemic, whether related to COVID-19 or not, can take more time to grieve due to shock, said Rando.
“I’ve done a lot of work on COVID death, and we see what we consider to be delayed grief for people. They haven’t had time to grieve because they have to focus energy on home-schooling kids, finding a job, keeping a business running, etc.,” she said.
Traumatization can cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and anxiety.
“Try healthy anxiety management strategies like breathing, building things in life to offset distress, and self-care,” Rando said.
Magavi advises her clients to name their feelings out loud by describing what they’re feeling emotionally and throughout their body.
“They can make a log of their emotions and identify any triggering factors, which exacerbated their condition, as well as alleviating factors, which helped them feel better. This activity helps us learn more about what we feel, why we feel, and what we can do to combat helplessness and take control during this time of uncertainty,” she said.
For Carlos, anger and self-blame are her biggest emotions to work through.
“I’m angry at leadership for not informing the public about the seriousness of COVID, and at my parents because after their deaths I became aware that they were getting together with friends in their retirement community,” Carlos said.
She’s learned to let go of some of the anger.
“This is bigger than any of us. I get angry when I see people without masks and not social distancing, but we are all human and we all mess up,” she said.
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