How many dead moms will it take to stop America’s maternal mortality epidemic?

Midwife Angie Miller listens to the heart beat of a patient’s baby in their home on June 29, 2021.

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When sheriff’s deputies in Florida went to perform a welfare check last month on Tori Bowie, the Olympic runner, they made the saddest possible discovery. Bowie and her newborn daughter were dead. Though the full story of Bowie’s last days has yet to emerge, some details are clear: She had died in labor, suffering from eclampsia and respiratory distress.

These tragic events are an enraging reminder that the United States’ maternal mortality rate is the worst in the industrialized world. Black women are up to three times more likely to die during or after pregnancy than White women. Almost two-thirds of all these deaths could be prevented.

Expectant moms deserve more from their lawmakers, providers, public health groups and hospitals: more visits before and after pregnancy, better access to the simple drugs and devices that could keep them alive, and expanded insurance coverage.

Since the federal government began keeping records in 1987, America’s maternal mortality rate has only gotten worse. Between 2000 and 2020, the United States was one of eight countries where the situation deteriorated fastest, a list that included Venezuela and Mauritius. There’s no one cause of this long slide: A strained health-care system, a stingy insurance system, a lack of paid leave, the retreat of reproductive rights and endemic racism all contribute.

Covid-19 made a bad situation worse. Pregnant women who contracted the virus were seven times more likely to die than those who avoided infection. But even as vaccination became widespread, pregnant women kept dying from all the more common causes: infections, hemorrhages, hypertensive disorders such as preeclampsia and embolisms. In 2022, 733 American women died while pregnant or shortly after childbirth. That’s a maternal death rate of 20 per 100,000 births — up from 17.6 in 2019, already two or three times the rate of many high-income nations.

For Black women, pregnancy and childbirth bring the toll of racism in the United States into sharp focus. A large body of research shows that being Black in America wears on women’s bodies, leaving them uniquely vulnerable during pregnancy. Black women are 60 percent more likely than White women to experience preeclampsia, for instance. Add to which they experience inequalities in access, quality of care, prescribing, data collection and more. These differences persist even among wealthy, educated women. So stark is the disparity it has come under United Nations scrutiny.

There’s much providers can do to help: A 2019 analysis of preventable maternal deaths by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention gives a clear list. Open earlier or stay open later to serve patients who work nights. Accept Medicaid. Educate patients early and often about conditions to watch out for. Take patients with headaches or shortness of breath seriously.

And there’s a lot policymakers must do to keep pregnant women safe and healthy. Fortunately, even in this divided, fractious Congress, there’s bipartisan support. Bills introduced by Reps. Lauren Underwood (D-Ill.), Robin L. Kelly (D-Ill.) and Robert E. Latta (R-Ohio) and Sens. Charles E. Grassley (R-Iowa) and Maggie Hassan Wood (D-N.H.) would pull together working groups to identify the best ways forward. One target of Kelly and Latta’s: Finding ways to identify and improve hospitals and doctors who are failing women and babies.

Lawmakers in both parties agree that childbirth and postpartum support from other practitioners matters, too. Evidence is accumulating that access to doula care during labor can lower Caesarean section rates. Doulas offer mothers nonmedical support and advocacy before, during and after delivery. Programs run both by community groups and insurance giants are exploring whether doulas can have a measurable impact on maternal mortality, especially for Black women.

Congress funded some home health visiting programs in the 2022 government appropriations bill. The United States should join other wealthy countries in making sure new mothers get regular visits after they come home from the hospital, when they are still at risk.

It would also help to standardize how Medicaid covers the medicines and devices for pregnant people. An analysis by KFF found glaring gaps. Four state Medicaid programs still don’t cover low-dose aspirin, which can prevent preeclampsia. Ten don’t cover blood pressure monitors for use at home between doctor’s visits. And six states don’t cover glucose monitors, crucial for managing gestational diabetes.

Meanwhile, the federal government could kick-start pilot programs that explore new ways to lower maternal mortality. Examples include payment schemes that compensate providers who do a better job for mothers and babies or demonstration projects that bundle housing and prenatal care in the same setting.

We don’t know whether Tori Bowie and her baby could have been saved with earlier intervention. We do know how to save hundreds of other American mothers.

Complete Article HERE!

What to Expect from Sex after Pregnancy Loss

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Sex after pregnancy loss is not just sex. It’s complicated sex.

For starters, there’s the whole grieving thing. Can you – should you – experience pleasure in the middle of grieving a loss? If you had infertility before or after your loss, sex might become a matter of getting down to business. You might be feeling conflicted about your body because of your loss. Maybe you’re trying to come to terms with your postpartum self. Plus – hormones. A lot of them. Oh, and did I forget to mention that you and your partner might be on completely different wavelengths on when, how often, and whether to try for a baby or to prevent?

Like I said. Complicated.

Before we break down why sex after pregnancy loss is complicated – and the phases your sex life might go through – let’s get down to basics.

When it’s safe to have sex after pregnancy loss

You may be wondering when you should start having sex again. The answer to that is largely personal based on all the circumstances of your loss. However, the first step is always to make sure you’re cleared by your provider to resume sex. If you had an uncomplicated, early miscarriage, your provider may OK you to start the next cycle. You need to avoid having sex while your cervix is open to reduce your chances of infection. You should not insert anything into your vagina for two weeks following your miscarriage.

If you had a complicated or later loss, your doctor will likely recommend you wait longer. For stillbirth or live birth ending in a loss, you may need to wait a full six weeks. A general rule of thumb: Wait until your bleeding has stopped. Again, factors such as if you had surgery, how far along you were, and if you experienced complications can affect how long your provider will tell you to wait[1]All About Sex and Intimacy After a Miscarriage or D and C,” Ashley Marcin, Reviewed by Valinda Riggins Nwadike, MD, MPH, Healthline Parenthood, February 29, 2020..

When sex feels safe again.

Sex is vulnerable. And when you are already in a tender state of grief, sex can be triggering. You might be reminded of when you got pregnant with your baby who died. You could be unsettled wanting to get pregnant, but then terrified of getting pregnant. Your relationship might be a little more fragile than it once was. There are many reasons why it can be hard for both you and your partner to be in the mood.

The phases of sex after pregnancy loss

Sex is as individual as the couple. But when it comes down to doing the dance, there are a few stages loss couples often go through when it comes to physical intimacy.

You might hit all of these in rapid-fire succession – or you may skip quite a few. But you’ll probably experience at least some of the following stages:

Don’t even think about it.

You might know you’re in this stage when you make sure your partner never sees you naked, just so they don’t get any ideas. You may feel panic when they start to touch you or instantly shut down. You may not come to bed until they are fast asleep. Or you may just frankly tell them, “Don’t even think about it.” You could feel anything from simple disinterest to complete repulsion. Whatever the cause, whatever the effect, sex is the last thing you’re in the mood for.

Have sex – then cry.

Maybe it’s been a day, a month or a year, but you finally feel ready. Sex feels not only okay, it feels good. You feel close with your partner, and for at least a little while think this was a good idea. And then it happens … you’re triggered. Maybe you’re remembering having sex to get pregnant or having sex while pregnant. Or maybe it’s nothing that cerebral at all. You just know that one minute you were having sex. And the next, you’re crying.

I want to. But physically, I can’t. Or it hurts.

Emotionally you might be ready to hit the sack with your partner again, but physically your body is saying no. Perhaps you haven’t yet gotten the clearance from your doctor. Or you have a wound, such as a tear or incision that is causing extra pain. Whatever the case – if you are emotionally ready for sex, but it’s not safe physically, explore some alternatives to help you achieve the intimacy you want with your partner.

Don’t get pregnant, don’t get pregnant, don’t get pregnant.

Two of your most basic instincts – procreation and survival – go head-to-head in sex after pregnancy loss. On the one hand, you might associate sex with your desire and ability (or inability) to have a baby. And on the other, you may feel like there is absolutely no way you’d survive another loss. The resolution: Strict lockdown on all things baby-making. Condoms? Check. Birth control? Check. Ovulation predictor kits used to prevent sex during ovulation? Check. You want to have your baby. But because you can’t, right now, you just need to focus on surviving.

I feel so numb, I just need something to make me feel anything at all.

When people talk about grief, they almost always associate it with sadness. But you know that sadness is sometimes preferable to not feeling at all. Sex provides a bit of an escape from the numbing. For a short time, you can feel something, anything.

I have a super complicated relationship with my body right now. 

Chances are, you want to feel sexy and confident in your skin. But a loss of a child in pregnancy or after can seriously mess with your relationship with your body. You might feel angry at it for “failing” you. You might feel like it doesn’t deserve to feel joy or pleasure when your baby is gone. Or maybe you are just dealing with your body looking and feeling completely different. You may have scars that remind you of your loss that you’d rather not expose. Sex might expose areas you are already feeling particularly vulnerable.

Ready to try again for a baby.

And by ready, we really mean not ready at all – but you figure it’s time to start. If you didn’t deal with infertility before, this stage might look a lot like casual sex. Just without any protection. What is not the same, however, is the obsessive thinking afterward about whether “this was it.” And before, you likely weren’t quite this compulsive over the next two weeks checking for pregnancy signs.
Check ovulation. Text husband: “Sex, now.” Transaction occurs. Legs in the air. Then do it all over 48 hours later.

If you don’t have time for casual baby-making, or you have dealt with infertility before, your version of sex after loss might look a lot more regimented. And frankly, not as fun. Because conceiving again usually means having sex regardless of your current mood. On the one hand, this focus on sex and timing gives you something to focus on besides your loss. It makes you feel like you have some measure of control. On the other hand, it often feels like a transaction, one your mind and heart can be absent for, as your body only is required. While regular sex can be good for your partnership, scheduled sex like this can be draining for you both.

I want sex because I need to be close to my partner.

You and your partner are both grieving, and one thing you need right now is to feel a close connection. You need to know that somehow, you’ll get through this together. Both men and women can find comfort in an act of intimacy during grief. Sometimes, it’s the one way you can communicate your love for each other when words fail.

Sex after pregnancy loss is complicated.

As you work to figure sex after loss out, give you and your partner lots of grace. You have the right to wait however long you need to or want to. Have clear communication with your partner on your expectations and show your partner the same respect. It can take a long time to physically, mentally, or emotionally be ready to have sex after pregnancy loss. Give it time.

While it is complicated, sex after pregnancy loss is worth having.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Support a Colleague Who Just Lost a Baby

The loss of a baby is an undeniably singular and terrible loss. And for those who haven’t experienced this type of loss, it can be difficult to know what to say or do or how to help. But social support is one of the ways that humans get through grief, and how you respond to your colleague affects their experience of returning to work and overall well-being. Distilled from the experiences of grieving parents, the author offers ways to best support team members who face this devastating loss. While there is nothing you can do to take away your employee’s pain, you can make their return to work more tolerable. By offering flexibility, compassion, and patience, and following their cues, you can help your colleagues feel both validated and supported.

by Dina Smith

Tragic. Heartbreaking. Unbelievable. Whatever words we may choose, they fall pitifully short of the devastating reality of losing a baby.

Sadly, this unthinkable heartache occurs more than we may care to know. In the United States alone, approximately 45,000 people lose their babies to stillbirth or infant death each year. Tens of thousands more lose wanted pregnancies to spontaneous miscarriage. Still others are faced with the gut-wrenching decision to terminate their pregnancy for medical reasons.

The loss of a baby is an undeniably singular and terrible loss. For pregnant employees, there is a physical experience that comes along with the emotional challenge. Even with losses before the 20th week of pregnancy, it can take weeks to months for the body to recover and return to normal.

Further, many people can’t understand or might not acknowledge baby loss as a real loss. It is a disenfranchised grief, a term coined by bereavement expert Kenneth Doka to capture the experience that comes from losses that are not openly acknowledged, socially mourned, or publicly supported. Worldwide, grieving parents often feel that they can’t talk about their loss and even unentitled to feel the way they do. It is a hidden, lonesome sorrow.

But as I know from losing our daughter, Anya, when she was only three days old, losing your baby can bring you to your knees. It is a trauma and full grief. Life after Anya died was heartrending, disorienting, and very lonely.

Amid the grief and the physical and emotional challenges that accompany this unimaginable loss, the return to work can feel daunting and nearly impossible. And for those who haven’t experienced this type of loss, it can be difficult to know what to say or do or how to help.

But social support is one of the ways that humans get through grief, and how you respond to your colleague affects their experience of returning to work and overall well-being. Distilled from the experiences of the many parents I’ve met as a member of the club no one wants to join, here are ways you can best support team members who face this devastating loss.

Express your condolences simply.

When someone experiences a loss, it’s human nature to want to alleviate their pain. This can lead us to reach for platitudes such as “Time heals all wounds,” or “You’ll have more kids,” or “I know how you feel.” While well intended, these statements are unhelpful. They minimize the person’s loss and can make them feel even more isolated.

Instead, express a simple message of condolence and don’t press for details. For example, you might say “I am so sorry for your loss, I wish there was more I could do. I’m here if you want to talk or if I can help with anything.”

Consider sending flowers or donating to a relevant foundation, such as the March of Dimes or one that plants trees in memoriam. And keep in mind that losing your baby is often a crisis at home. Grieving parents face unimaginable decisions and a cascade of painful communications, so consider practical support like organizing a meal train.

Offer flexibility.

This grief is unique and different for everyone. While your company may have an official bereavement policy, your best move is to take the individual’s lead on when and how they return to work.

The workplace often contains triggers, and your colleague may need space and time before returning. Pregnant colleagues, office baby showers, and photos of co-workers’ babies adorning their desks can be excruciating reminders of what they no longer have.

Others may be ready to return sooner but want to ramp up over time or prefer to start from home. According to psychologist Dr. Donna Rothert, some grievers find it satisfying to return to a job that they’re good at, where they have some control and their efforts lead to results: “It is the opposite experience of losing your baby, where so much is outside of your control.” Work can also provide a welcome break with something to focus on other than grief.

The simple fact is that one size does not fit all. Consult with your team member regarding a return-to-work plan and let them come back on a timeline and in the ways that they can.

Seek guidance on what to communicate.

Consult with your colleague about what they would like communicated to the team and by whom. Ask if they would like you to send a message to the team or if they’d prefer to communicate directly or have a trusted colleague do so. Be careful not to make announcements you’re not authorized to share.

Especially in larger companies, news may travel slowly, and it can be helpful to share cues for what the person wants. For example, some people don’t want to be asked about their loss. Others want to be asked so they can say their baby’s name and remember them.

There is no right or wrong. Rather, it’s about respecting their personal needs and wishes and the rituals they have chosen.

Follow their lead.

Grief doesn’t operate in neat stages on a prescribed timeline. There can be a wide variety of responses to grief and a person’s needs and feelings fluctuate. Your best course of action is to regularly check in for how you can best support them.

You might say, “I’m glad you’re here and I imagine it’s not easy. Is there anything more that you need from me or the team?”

Some people want the welcome distraction of their work. Others might need a slower pace or fewer responsibilities for a while. Don’t make assumptions and alter their work without consulting with them first.

Returning to work can be an intense experience for grieving parents, so proactively communicate that it’s perfectly okay to take breaks, get out for walks, call their partner, or check in with trusted colleagues over the course of the day. And that if they need to suddenly leave a meeting or go home, to do so.

Remember, too, that at this point your employee may be questioning just how important work really is. While your team member will navigate to the other side of this crossroads in time, your support in the interim can ease their recovery and increase levels of organizational commitment.

Honor the memory of their child.

If your team member has expressed willingness and interest in talking about their loss, don’t back away from the conversation. But be there to listen, not talk. If they have shared their baby’s name with you, you might also ask simple questions such as, “How did you choose that name?” that allow them to remember and talk about their baby.

UCSF clinical professor of psychiatry Dr. Catherine Mallouh recommends continuing to check in every three months or so. Asking, “How are you doing?” or “Would you like you tell me more?” signals you care and haven’t forgotten.

Recognize that the anniversary of a baby’s death can be a very emotional day. Mark your calendar and proactively offer your team member the day off.

While there is nothing you can do to take away your employee’s pain, you can make their return to work more tolerable. By offering flexibility, compassion, and patience, and following their cues, you can help your colleagues feel both validated and supported.

Complete Article HERE!

Why it is important to take time to grieve a miscarriage

The Government will debate new legislation granting bereaved parents the right to three days’ leave after suffering a loss

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One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, a physical and emotional trauma from which it can take weeks to begin to recover. Currently, those who have experienced such a loss are expected to carry on working as normal, with no UK laws in place allowing them time to grieve.

This might all change in December, when Parliament meets to vote on new legislation that would entitle those who have suffered a miscarriage three days of paid bereavement leave – something that is only presently offered if a baby is lost after 24 weeks, when it is considered a stillbirth.

“A miscarriage is a complicated grief because we are grieving the future we imagined with a living, healthy baby,” explains the psychotherapist Julia Samuel, who specialises in grief and is the founder patron of Child Bereavement UK. “It is important to acknowledge that this is a significant loss.”

We are grieving the future we imagined with a living, healthy baby

Indeed, the depth of love parents feel for their infant cannot be measured by how long the baby lived, but in how emotionally invested they are. And, as Samuel says, because we don’t have memories or images of the baby to focus on, “it can feel surreal”. To help create an external focus for their grief, she often suggests parents “make or buy or plant something that represents the baby”.

In the past, people have tended not to talk about miscarriages, but this has started to change – and with more and more women speaking out, the subject has gained greater visibility. Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex, described “an almost unbearable grief” after miscarrying in July 2020; Chrissy Teigen revealed the “utter and complete sadness” of losing her third child at 20 weeks, whom she had named Jack; and after losing two babies during pregnancy, Lily Allen reflected that “it’s not something that you get over”.chrissy teigen and john legend

Some employers, including Channel 4 and Monzo, have already taken the step to offer both partners 10 days’ leave after a miscarriage, but a standard minimum of three days would be a step in the right direction. “Honestly, three days is a tiny amount in regard to grief,” Samuel says, “but what I think it does is mark the legitimacy and significance of the loss.”

Without those precious days to start coming to terms with what has happened, there can be severe repercussions. “If we don’t give ourselves the time, it may cost us psychologically,” explains Samuel, “where we shut down on an aspect of our emotional selves that may come out in other ways – in our bodies; in less joy in life.”

It is also important that others rally around those going through miscarriage bereavement, offering them support and comfort. “Acknowledge their loss,” advises Samuel. “Move towards them with kindness, don’t try and fix it, ask them what they need – and listen.”

Complete Article HERE!

Pregnancy apps and online spaces fail to support individuals grieving a pregnancy loss

– Here’s what to do about it

Social technologies perpetuate a single idea of what constitutes a pregnancy.

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Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies in the United States ends in loss. Pregnancy loss, also referred to as miscarriage, is a common reproductive health complication.

Many experience this loss as a significant life event, with a “before” and an “after.” It can cause depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. Yet society largely stigmatizes and dismisses it by not treating it as a loss that deserves to be grieved.

I research the social implications of technology. For the past several years, I’ve been investigating the intersection of pregnancy loss and social technologies. Search engines, social media, online support groups and pregnancy and fertility tracking apps are some of the technologies people use to manage pregnancies, share experiences or exchange social support.

My recent research shows these technologies often do not account for pregnancy loss and, as a result, can cause re-traumatization and distress.

Harmful designs and algorithms

In a recent study, I conducted in-depth interviews with women in the U.S. who had recently experienced pregnancy loss. I found that pregnancy tracking applications failed miserably in considering pregnancy losses.

Woman faces her laptop, head in hands.
‘Oh, please stop.’

A participant told me, “There’s no way to tell your app, ‘I had a miscarriage. Please stop sending me these updates,’ like, ‘This week, your baby’s the size of a banana or whatever.’ There’s no way to stop those.”

Similarly, advertising algorithms assumed all pregnancies lead to the birth of an alive and healthy baby. Another participant told me, “I was getting ads for maternity clothes. I was just like, ‘Oh, please stop.’”

The design of mobile apps tells a similar story. I conducted an analysis of 166 pregnancy-related apps and found 72% do not account for pregnancy loss at all, 18% offer an option to report a loss without providing any support, and the remaining 10% passively link to outside sources.

Another tool people use during pregnancy and loss journeys are online support groups. While groups dedicated to loss can be sources of social support where people may find emotional validation, connect with others and feel seen and less alone, I found they can also foster invalidating and harmful experiences.

One participant reported seeing questions “like ‘Can you eat this certain thing while pregnant?’ You get some people who say, ‘Yes, I ate that all through pregnancy.’ Then you get some people who say, ‘I can’t believe you’re doing that to your body, that’s harmful for you.’”

Overall, the design features and algorithms that underpin content and interactions do real harm by perpetuating a single idea of what constitutes a pregnancy – one that is smooth and leads to a happy ending. By not accounting for pregnancy loss, I contend they contribute to its further stigmatization.

My work shows how technology design reinforces stereotypes about experiences like pregnancy loss – and sustains social inequities like marginalization and stigmatization. This, in turn, makes it hard for those experiencing loss to find the resources and support they need.

A more humane approach

If you are someone who has experienced pregnancy loss, I am sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not alone. I hope this article helps validate and make visible some of your frustrating experiences.

If you know someone who has experienced a pregnancy loss, know that the harms and challenges I described above are only some of the frustrations they may face. Acknowledge their loss. Ask how you may be able to support them. Get them meals, offer to pet sit or babysit for them, listen to them, sit in their sorrow with them. Know that holidays and anniversaries tend to be tough. Do not say “you will get pregnant again.” Finally, remember that lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer people also experience pregnancy and loss.

If you are a designer, developer or someone who makes decisions about products and advertising algorithms, I hope this research illustrates some of the real harms users may experience as a result of using products to manage intimate personal experiences like pregnancies. Please consider designing products that consider the full range of pregnancy and other human experiences. Remember that considering pregnancy loss as an outcome does not mean finding other ways to profit from your users’ loss and grief.

Complete Article HERE!

After Pregnancy and Infant Loss

How Can Couples Stay Connected & Grieve Together?

By Dr. Lexx Brown-James

October is special for a lot of reasons and one of which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss month (PAIL). PAIL is a true trauma that test lovers’ will, relationship, and self-preservation. This month, I brought in an expert, Jeanae M. Hopgood, MFT, M.Ed, PMH-C (@black_angel_mom) to help educate about PAIL, talk to us about resources and how to preserve a relationship when PAIL hits close to home.

Dr. Lexx: Who are you and what are your credentials?

Hopgood: I am an individual, couple/partner, and family therapist specializing in sexuality & sexual identity, perinatal mental health, perinatal loss, family creation, and family of origin challenges. I am also a mother of three (one earth-side, and twin daughters who passed), an author, owner & CEO of JHJ Therapy, LLC, and creator of the Black Angel Mom brand (virtual community, support groups, journal and blog).

Dr. Lexx: What is PAIL and how do we use October to honor it?

Hopgood: PAIL is an acronym for Pregnancy and Infant Loss.  October is PAIL Awareness month and involves several global, as well as local events. PAIL Awareness Day and the Wave of Light occur on October 15th yearly. Some people also use the opportunity to have small gatherings to honor their children that have passed; particularly when there are unclear birth or death dates. Others may choose to use the time to address their loss(es) in private during this time of year, with candles, or journaling, or looking through memorabilia.

Dr. Lexx: How did you come to have a passion for this work?

Hopgood: I have always had an interest in perinatal health and mental health, as well as family creation; however, my specific focus on perinatal loss came out of my own experience with the phenomenon. On June 7, 2017, I gave birth to my twin daughters, Aviva Monroe and Jora Nirali, at just shy of 17 weeks (16w 7d) gestation due to Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes (pPROM).
My daughters were born alive just after 9pm that evening and died shortly after. Them dying was the biggest, darkest, deepest state of grief I have ever experienced. I was already working as a therapist and had some awareness and skill with coping; however, nothing could have prepared me for the depths of pain I would feel. Writing became [such] an outlet for me that I also decided to create a blog. So, the Black Angel Mom blog was birthed.

Dr. Lexx: What are some of your favorite tools to help with grief?

Hopgood: There are many ways one can approach the work but one of my favorites is just telling your story. Particularly in the case of perinatal loss. For folx with this experience, this is literally the only story they will have about their lost loved one (llo). It’s the only memory(ies) of their llo, so it is crucial for them to be able to tell that story.

In terms of actual, tangible tools, my journal is my fav! The Black Angel Mom Guided Journal is chock full of exercises and activities to help identify specific parts of the grieving process, set boundaries for oneself to help create emotional safety with partners, family, and friends. It also has a ton of free-writing space, processing space after activities, and coloring pages that folx can find relaxing. The journal is good for individual use, as well as use with a support professional (i.e., a therapist). I will also soon be releasing a card deck full of conversation starters and processing prompts for personal use, and/or use with your therapist or support group, and partners. Subscribe for the release or join the Facebook Group to connect!

Dr. Lexx: With loss of a wanted child, there is often a rift between lovers. What tips do you have to help people reconnect to their intimacy?

Hopgood: The loss of a child is traumatic, regardless of the gestational age. It feels unnatural for children to die before they have ever really lived any life. The brain literally struggles to compute this information.  It tries to make sense of the nonsensical because it’s super distressing to not understand something. This is the case with perinatal loss too.

Lovers/Partners/Couples are both individually and collectively trying to understand WHY their pregnancy ended or their baby died. It’s not uncommon for the pregnant person to blame themselves and/or for their partner to blame them.

1. Blame can too often lead to shame & guilt, which are both intimacy-killers.

Intimacy — as in feelings of emotional closeness, safety, security, vulnerability — can be heavily damaged during periods following perinatal loss. It is not uncommon for partners to stop talking to each other about their feelings. Sometimes this is because they do not know what to say, sometimes one partner doesn’t want to trigger the other partner, sometimes one partner appears to be managing “well” so the perception is that they aren’t grieving “enough.”

I think one of the most important tips is to remember that everyone’s grief looks different. There are no grief olympics. When partners stop comparing their grief experiences, they are more inclined to seek understanding and empathy. Another tip is to keep talking to each other! Grief is hard and sometimes it makes you want to turn inward: away from the world and away from connection. Though alone-time is sometimes needed, it can also be dangerous to intimacy. Intimacy is about connection, not disconnection. Don’t stop talking to each other and don’t stop asking questions.

3. Seek support.

Find that support group. Find that therapist who specializes in grief work and/or perinatal loss, and also in sex therapy when possible. Support groups can provide a sense of solidarity and understanding, while therapy helps with actual interventions and deep unpacking of issues affecting relational health.

4. Grace is required.

My fourth tip is to be gentle with your bodies and do things that bring it pleasure. After perinatal loss, the relationship to one’s body can be more complex than ever. Depending on the circumstances, the body may have also recently experienced immense pain and discomfort. Healing is required.

Doing things that simply make your body feel good (e.g. dancing, yoga, sexual acts depending on clearance from a doc, exercise, massages, acupuncture, etc.) can help to nurture and change the relationship to the body making physical and sexual intimacy more desirable.

Complete Article HERE!

More pregnant women died and stillbirths increased steeply during the pandemic, studies show.

A nurse helping a pregnant woman at a hospital in Paris last November.

By Apoorva Mandavilli

More pregnant women died, experienced complications or delivered stillborn babies during the pandemic than in previous years, according to an analysis of 40 studies in 17 countries published on Wednesday in the journal Lancet Global Health.

Pregnant women face a heightened risk of severe illness and death if infected with the coronavirus. But the researchers, in Turkey and the United Kingdom, wanted to assess collateral damage from the pandemic on pregnancy and delivery, and so excluded from their analysis those studies that focused only on pregnant women who were infected.

Reviewing data on more than six million pregnancies, the investigators found evidence that disruptions to health care systems and patients’ fear of becoming infected at clinics may have led to avoidable deaths of mothers and babies, especially in low- and middle-income countries.

Data from a dozen studies showed that the chances of a stillbirth increased by 28 percent. And the risk of women dying while pregnant or during childbirth increased by more than a third in two countries: Mexico and India. A subset of studies that assessed mental health showed that postpartum depression and anxiety were also heightened during the pandemic.

Nearly six times as many women needed surgery for ectopic pregnancies — in which a fertilized egg grows outside the uterus — during the pandemic than before. Ectopic pregnancies can be treated with medications if detected early, so the results suggest that the surgeries may have resulted from delays in care.

The analysis did not find differences in other conditions associated with pregnancy, like gestational diabetes or high blood pressure, or in the rates of cesarean sections or induced labor.

The rates of preterm birth also did not change significantly during the pandemic in low- and middle-income countries. But in high-income countries, preterm births fell by nearly 10 percent.

The drop may be a result of changes in health care delivery and in pregnant women’s behavior during the pandemic, the researchers said, indicating that the pandemic has exacerbated disparities between low- and high-income countries.

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