Category: Grief

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Do Animals Truly Grieve When Other Animals Die?

By Denyse O’Leary
Anthropologist Barbara J. King, author of How Animals Grieve (2014), has written a thought-provoking essay on the difficulties that COVID-19 has created for people coping with the death of a loved one because they are not allowed conventional grieving methods. Although it is titled “Animal Grief Shows We Aren’t Meant to Die Alone,” King’s essay turns out to be appropriately skeptical of ambitious claims about animal grief. She writes,

There is a popular perception that some animals, particularly elephants and crows, participate in their own kinds of funerals. But there’s little solid evidence—at least, so far—for this kind of community ritual. Elephants may occasionally cover a dead companion’s body with leaves or branches, but the meaning and intent of this action remains unclear. A 2012 paper includes the words “scrub-jay funerals” in the title, but the “funerals” were actually noisy gatherings of birds around scrub-jay skins and feathers laid out by researchers in an experiment. The birds’ response to what they saw indicates acute social assessment of their surroundings, to be sure, but it’s a stretch to consider that behavior a death ritual.

Barbara J. King, “Animal Grief Shows We Aren’t Meant to Die Alone” at Sapiens (April 22, 2020)

That said, she cites a number of instances of animals showing apparent grief at the death of a companion:

At the Farm Sanctuary in New York state, after years of close companionship, a duck named Harper withdrew socially and refused to form new bonds after the death of his duck friend Kohl in 2010.

Barbara J. King, “Animal Grief Shows We Aren’t Meant to Die Alone” at Sapiens (April 22, 2020)

But wait; it’s hard for a human to be sure what’s happening here. Harper may simply have lost the ability to form close bonds with other ducks, irrespective of what, if anything, he understands about Kohl’s absence. Again, while much is made of primates grieving over dead companions,

Monkeys and apes don’t act exactly as humans do around dead bodies. Mixed in with compassionate caretaking may be aggressive or even sexual behaviors: They might strike or mount a corpse. Yet human grief, too, can manifest in unusual ways. At a solemn memorial service, a mourner may suddenly laugh in involuntary response to tension.

Barbara J. King, “Animal Grief Shows We Aren’t Meant to Die Alone” at Sapiens (April 22, 2020)

Well, we are beginning to get a clue now. A human being may behave oddly at a funeral but that is because of an awareness of what death means. The monkey is troubled by death but does the monkey understand what death is? Anthropologists like King resist making that distinction:

For much of the 20th century, it was common practice for ethologists to resist acknowledging the profound emotions expressed by these animals. Anthropologists and zoologists who broke with tradition to describe animal grief—and other emotions as well, including joy—found themselves accused of anthropomorphism, the projecting of human capacities onto other species. The tide began to turn, however, as ever-more research in the field and in captivity showed unmistakable evidence of animals feeling deeply what happens to them. More than ever before, researchers now recognize that grief and love don’t belong only to us humans.

Barbara J. King, “Animal Grief Shows We Aren’t Meant to Die Alone” at Sapiens (April 22, 2020)

No, love and grief don’t belong only to us humans. But there is something that does. Consider the story of Hachikō, the Akita dog (right, in 1934) whose human friend, a professor named Hidesaburō Ueno, died of a cerebral hemorrhage while on a train trip in Japan in 1925 and never returned to the station from which Hachikō had seen him go:

Hachiko moved in with a former gardener of the Ueno family. But throughout the rest of his ten-year-long life, he kept going to the Shibuya Train Station every morning and afternoon precisely when the train was due to enter the station. He sat there for hours, patiently waiting in vain for the return of his beloved owner which sadly never came back.

Maria Wulff Hauglann, “The Amazing And True Story Of Hachiko The Dog” at Nerd Nomads

Hachikō has inspired much devotion ever since, along with several films and monuments.

The touching part of the story is not simply Hachikō’s devotion but the fact that the dog could not know that his beloved Hidesaburō had died.

Death, after all, is an abstraction. We can be told that someone has died and, without seeing the person’s body, we know what that means. We also know that all human beings (and all animals) will die sometime. But that is an abstraction too. For humans, mourning is a philosophical as well as an emotional affair. As a result, death raises questions about the meaning of life which Harper, the monkeys, and Hachiko could never ask.

It is these thoughts and questions, not only grief, that have always underlain funerals:

What’s undeniable is that our early Homo sapiens ancestors began to create increasingly elaborate burial rituals. At around 24,000 years ago in what is today Sunghir, Russia, for example, a boy of about 12 years of Animals ranging from elephants to cows, ducks to dogs, may grieve.age and a girl of about 9 were buried together. The research paper describing the remains says they were “head to head, covered by red ocher, and ornamented with extraordinarily rich grave goods.”

Barbara J. King, “Animal Grief Shows We Aren’t Meant to Die Alone” at Sapiens (April 22, 2020)

But then those human beings knew what it meant in the abstract to say that the children had died. The grave goods they provided suggest that the mourners thought the children might need something somewhere. But they surely understand that somewhere to be another dimension of reality. That’s part of what the animal doesn’t have.

So do animals grieve? Yes indeed. Do they grieve the same way humans do? No, because, for better or worse, they can’t. There is no turning back from the gift of reason.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Crucial Things A Grieving Partner Needs You To Know

by Susan Johnston

We all process grief differently.

When my dad died, it was hard on me, of course, but also on my boyfriend.

The call came just a few weeks shy of our one-year anniversary. Suddenly, he found himself sitting next to me in the front row of the church and meeting my extended family.

He handled it with sensitivity and maturity, and the experience has brought us even closer.

I’ve had boyfriends in the past who weren’t the consoling kind (“I’ve never heard of Shy-Drager Syndrome — how bad could that be? Are you sure your dad has that?”), so I considered myself lucky to have a boyfriend who could watch me break down in tears and hold me sympathetically without making inappropriate comments or breaking down himself.

In a cruel twist of fate, I got a taste of the other side when a doctor diagnosed his mother with cancer less than a year after I lost my dad.

Being the shoulder is a lot harder than he made it look. There’s not much you can say that will make things better, though you’re tempted to try.

Both of us experienced anticipatory grief (me knowing my dad would never dance at my wedding or hold his grandchildren, him wondering when and how his mother might go).

But we expressed these sentiments differently. I needed to talk or cry at inopportune moments. He approached it from a more practical, scientific perspective.

According to Roberta Temes, a psychotherapist who specializes in grief counseling and the author of Solace: Finding Your way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again, this gender difference is pretty typical.

“Women will talk to girlfriends more,” Temes says. “The community of women is accustomed to talking. The community of men is accustomed to getting on with it.”

So, what do you say to your significant other when they lose (or know they could lose) a close friend or relative? And how do you help them regain their footing after the passing?

Everyone experiences grief differently, but here’s how to support your partner through grief by keeping a few things in mind.

1. Sometimes silence really is golden.

According to Temes, one of the worst things you can say is, “I know just how you feel.” As Temes explains, “Each heartache and heartbreak is unique; you really don’t know any but your own.”

Even if you’ve lost someone you love, you probably don’t know exactly what the loss means to them or how they will process it, so don’t assume that you do.

When in doubt, simply offering a hug and a willing ear can show that you’re there for the person. You don’t always have to say something comforting. 

2. Sometimes we need to talk, even if we’re just repeating ourselves.

“If it’s the beginning of mourning, they need to be left alone,” says Temes. “If a few weeks or months have passed, then they need to talk about the relationship. It is important for them to talk, often repeating the same stories. The more they speak of the moment of death, the sooner it becomes a reality to them.”

Temes suggests asking questions like these to open up the conversation: “How are you doing — is it difficult to sleep? Are you able to get back to work yet? Some people find it difficult to eat when they are mourning. Would you like to come over for dinner one night next week?”

3. Even if you didn’t know the person who died, we need you there.

Whether your partner just lost someone they care about or anticipates losing them, they need your support.

If you’re with someone whose parent is dying, and they ask you to go with them and visit that person, don’t say “no,” “let me think about it,” or “that’s too much of a commitment.” You’re there for your partner, not their relative.

If you don’t care about them enough to say yes, then a serious relationship isn’t for you.

My boyfriend felt a little out-of-place sitting with my immediate family at the funeral when he’d only met my dad twice. But my brother appreciated having him there so he could focus on comforting my mother, and I appreciated him making the effort, too.

4. Healing rituals can help.

“Rituals are terrific,” Temes says. “All religions have rituals. If you’re not religious, it’s still a great idea to establish a ritual, which can range from setting aside a particular time to go through a photo album to lighting a candle and saying your memories.”

5. Grief doesn’t follow deadlines.

“It is a long process,” according to Temes. “Those who are grieving will get back to themselves when they are ready, not when you invite them to a party or demand they pull themselves together.”

A month after my dad died, I thought I was feeling like myself again.

Then I saw a family huddled around their luggage at an airport, and it reminded me of all those vacations my dad loved to plan and how we’d never get to travel with him again. Or, I’d see an older man in a wheelchair and get a flashback to my dad’s last few months.

Grief can come in waves, but as time passes, mine has become more muted and less frequent.

While everyone’s healing process is different, Temes says that if a month or two as passed and your significant other cannot eat, sleep or function at work, or if they become obsessed with the deceased person, it’s time to get concerned.

She suggests you, “tell your partner you are worried about them and so you made an appointment with someone who knows more about bereavement than either of you.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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4 Lessons You’ll Learn If You’re Grieving The Loss Of A Pet

The pain is unimaginable.

By Catie Kovelman

I recently lost my childhood horse, Amanda. To say that I feel devastated would be an understatement.

I’ve spent more than a decade loving and learning from this horse, and it seems impossible to imagine life without her. But no matter how much I miss Amanda, I can’t stop life from moving forward, and I can’t bring her back.

I can still learn from her, though, so here are four things that losing Amanda taught me about grieving a pet.

1. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve your pet.

First and foremost, please remember that there is no correct way to mourn your pet. Grief affects everyone differently, so we all react differently to losing our favorite animals.

Mourning also doesn’t come with a time limit. I’ve known friends who seemed to be fine the day after they lost their pets, but I still feel sad about losing my horse weeks later.

No matter how long I feel down, my feelings are valid. If you’re mourning a pet, there’s no shame in taking as much time as you need to heal.

2. Don’t feel ashamed that you’re grieving an animal.

Since Amanda passed away, I’ve felt a bit awkward telling people that I’m grieving a horse, not a person.

Sometimes, I feel like people judge my inability to stop crying over an animal, even though studies show that we feel the loss of our animals more intensely than we feel the loss of human friends or family.

However, Amanda was so much more than a horse to me; she was a friend. My grief is valid, so I shouldn’t feel embarrassed. And if you’re grieving a pet, yours is, too.

3. Find creative ways to remember your pet.

Right now, I take comfort in finding ways to memorialize Amanda and keep her memory close.

For example, I wear a locket with her photo in it, so that she’s always with me. I’ve even donated to multiple charities in Amanda’s name to honor her and spread positivity in the wake of her death.

If you’re grieving a pet, you can also create a photo memorial in your home or use an old feeding bowl as a planter to cultivate new life.

4. Talking through your grief can help you heal.

Amanda was an extremely special horse with an amazing story, and I love to tell the world about her. I genuinely want people to know how incredible she was, and I feel like it’s my responsibility to keep her legacy alive.

I often fear that people will forget about her, but I refuse to let that happen. Some people are hesitant to talk about Amanda with me, because they don’t want to upset me, but I love reminiscing on positive memories of my horse.

Since her death, I’ve laughed as I share happy Amanda stories and reminisce on her quirks. It’s also felt therapeutic to talk through the immense pain I’ve felt since losing my horse, because I can’t bottle up my emotions for long.

Although losing a pet is the hardest part of owning one, I take solace in knowing that my horse lived a truly incredible life and I’m grateful to have gotten the chance to love her.

If you’re grieving the loss of a pet, remember that no one can tell you the “right” way to grieve. It’s your journey, so mourn your pet in whatever ways feel right for you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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My Mom Died 2 Years Ago

…And My Grief Killed My Sex Drive

by Adele Stewart

I never knew your mental health could so heavily dictate how you feel about sex. When I was a teenager and in my early 20s, I never thought my sex drive could be “turned off.” I had a constant interest and energy and was always finding new ways to get high off of love. Fast-forward to just a few years later, and I can’t seem to get high off of anything. The confidence I once felt about putting myself out there has been replaced with fear, and the fun and excitement I once felt about dating has been replaced with me deleting dating apps just to avoid people. A lot of this has to do with the grief I’ve felt after the tragic loss of my mother in 2018. Since then, I can count on less than one hand the people I’ve sought sexual comfort in. Nothing and nobody could make me feel better.

When I lost my mom, I lost something I was able to attach myself to. I constantly found myself in this battle between “Am I getting over this too fast?” and “Am I not moving on fast enough?” While some can work through this by finding love and comfort in someone else’s arms, there are many others, like me, who can’t seem to get far enough away from potential partners.

Yes, I miss connection, intimacy, and touch, but until I get the green light from my body and mind, I will continue to protect my sexual well-being.

After a loss, it’s easy to feel like you’re not enough. You become a different person from who you were before your grief. You no longer see yourself as you once were, and trying to navigate this new normal is incredibly challenging. At least that’s what happened to me.

My depression and anxiety kicked in almost as soon as my grief did. Because depression can change the chemical makeup in our brains, people dealing with it can be less likely to have a libido. The tiredness that comes along with it can take away all energy for intimacy. And because depression is a lonely experience, I’ve found it nearly impossible to connect with people in that way. Grief can also make people feel like they’ve lost their sense of control and make them worry about what else they could lose in the future. You can become so focused on trying to move forward that you’re blind to things that might make you feel good. And many times you don’t think you deserve to feel good because you’ve lost something that can never be replaced. This is even worse when you’re in the denial phase of your grief.

It’s been two years since my mom passed, and I’m still working through my grief.

I always fear that my mom is looking at all of the decisions I’m making and shaking her head at them. That shame sometimes prevents me from wanting to be intimate with someone. I’ve had a hard time reconciling with the fact that when someone’s gone, they’re gone and not watching my every move. I know I should be thinking that my mother would be happy that I’m trying to move on and get back to my new normal — which includes having a healthy sex life — but I’m just not there yet.

During sex, we open ourselves up on a physical level while also being extremely vulnerable on an energetic and emotional level. When you’re depressed, anxious, and grieving, it’s hard to open up at all. From my experience, it’s almost harder to have a casual hookup with someone you don’t know much about. Although some may say the opposite, I think waiting to have sex with someone you’re truly comfortable with is better than trying to fill a void.

I know the more I practice being present with myself and my feelings, the better my emotional state will be. Introducing more self-care routines like exercise, rest, and moments to myself will help with the healing process. But one thing I won’t do is blame myself or tell myself I’m unlovable. Yes, I miss connection, intimacy, and touch, but until I get the green light from my body and mind, I will continue to protect my sexual well-being. I won’t rush it.

Grief is not a numbers game. Just because there are different steps of grief doesn’t mean that you take all of them in order or are simply done after a set amount of time. My grief is something that I’ll have with me forever. How I choose to let it affect me, though, is up to me. And I’m still figuring that out.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Goodbye, Grandpa

– An expert guide to talking to kids about death during Covid

By Robyn Silverman

My daughter’s questions started after a family friend got sick with Covid-19.

“If people are sick, they can just give them medicine so they get better, right?” my daughter asked with the hopeful perspective of an 11-year-old. “They can just go to the hospital so the doctors and nurses can help them?”

The questions stemmed from a positive update my husband gave about his martial arts buddy, John R. Cruz, a first responder being treated at Holy Name Medical Center in Teaneck, New Jersey.

He’s one of the lucky ones.

Not everyone is as fortunate. We’ve already surpassed 124,000 Covid-related deaths in the United States and nearly half a million dead worldwide.

For adults, these numbers are shocking. For children, they are unfathomable. Some can’t even conceptualize the notion of a single death.

It’s natural for parents to want to protect children from the feelings of worry and distress we are experiencing during this pandemic, but decades of research underscores that being honest with children is the best way to mitigate feelings of anxiety and confusion during uncertain times.

Even young kids are aware of the changes in the emotional states of adults and will notice the absence of regular caregivers, including grandparents.

So how do we talk to kids about death and dying during the coronavirus crisis? These are tough talks, no doubt about it. Here are six guiding principles, with sample prompts and scripts, to keep in mind.

Assess what’s age-appropriate

While parents should always be honest about death, the information you divulge may differ in amount and depth depending on the developmental age of your child.

How do you know where your child falls? It’s a best practice to follow your children’s lead and answer their questions without volunteering additional details that may overwhelm them. If you don’t know the answer, it’s OK to admit it.

Children between the ages of 4 and 7 years old believe that death is temporary and reversible, punctuated by the fact that their favorite cartoon characters can meet their doom and then come back the next day for another episode.

Even after you explain that “all living things die” and “death is the end of life,” it’s normal for young children to ask, “When can that person can come back?” Be prepared to remind them, kindly and calmly, that “once a body stops working it can’t be fixed” and “once someone dies, that person can’t return.”

Older children grow out of this “magical thinking” as they enter tweenhood, questioning the meaning of death during adolescence, while often seeing themselves as invulnerable to it. They may want to talk with you about why someone has died and need guidance about which resources they can trust for valid information about coronavirus and Covid-related deaths.

Ask your children, whatever their age: “What have you heard about the coronavirus and how someone might get it? What do you know about what happens when someone gets sick from it?” Clarify the difference between the virus and the disease and explain who is at the highest risk for becoming severely ill from Covid-19.

Prepare yourself

A conversation about death, especially when you are reporting on a family member or close friend, is especially difficult. You don’t want to just blurt out the news without carefully considering your words. Give yourself some time to gather your thoughts and take a couple of deep breaths.

Ask yourself: Do I want another supportive adult with me while I deliver this news? Where in my home would be best to discuss this with my child? Should my child have a special toy or comforting blanket with him or her when we have this conversation?

Even though it’s best to discuss what happened with your child before someone else tells them, taking a few minutes to calm yourself down and be present is important for you and for them.

Explain what happened

If someone in your children’s world does pass away from Covid-19, be sure to tell them honestly, kindly, clearly and simply. Experts agree that parents should avoid euphemisms such as “went to sleep,” “we lost her” or “went to a better place” to avoid confusion.

Instead, you might say; “Sweetheart, remember Grandpa got very sick and has been in the hospital for the last few weeks? His lungs stopped working and couldn’t help Grandpa breathe anymore. The nurses and doctors worked so hard to try to make Grandpa’s body healthy again but they couldn’t make Grandpa better. We are so sad and sorry. Grandpa died today.”

Then pause and listen. You may need to repeat your words a second time as distress can make it difficult to digest information.

Give room for the ups and downs of grief

In a time of suffering, it can be difficult to know what to say. Honesty about your own emotions gives children permission to be open about their own confusion, sadness, anger and fear.

You might admit: “This is all so hard to take in, isn’t it? I am feeling sad, and I’m crying because I miss Grandpa.”

Don’t be surprised if some of your child’s feelings come out all at once, while others may peek out days and weeks after the death of a loved one. Be ready for the unexpected and know that, when children grieve, they may be crying one minute and playing the next. This is normal.

“Grief is not a linear process,” said Joe Primo, CEO of Good Grief, in an interview on my podcast, “How to Talk to Kids about Anything.”

Good Grief is a New Jersey-based nonprofit organization that provides healthy-coping skills to children grieving the loss of a family member.

“Grief is like a roller coaster. It’s up, down, all around. For kids and adults alike, every single day is different. And as the grieving person, you have no idea how your day is going to unfold.”

Answer questions

Many children will ask for more information and want to know why their loved ones didn’t survive. Reiterate that your loved one had Covid-19 and the medical team worked very hard but the disease made it so the body could no longer work. You might tell your child about complications such as asthma that made it difficult to breathe even before the coronavirus.

It is also normal for your child to ask if you or others in their life will get sick or die of Covid-19 so be clear about the precautions your family is taking in order to stave off the illness.

“We are doing everything we can to stay healthy. We are washing our hands with soap and water, keeping our home very clean and staying away from others to keep from getting the virus,” you might say.

“We are also wearing masks and gloves when we are at the store to get groceries. And don’t forget, we are continuing to eat nutritious food, exercise and get good rest to keep ourselves strong.”

Provide ways to commemorate and honor

Given that social distancing is making it increasingly difficult, if not impossible, to grieve alongside loved ones as we typically do when someone dies, it’s imperative that we find a way to allow children to say goodbye and remember. Studies have repeatedly found that when children are part of funerals and celebration of life events, they fare better.

“Funerals are about mourning,” Primo noted, “and mourning is a core component of a child adapting to their new norm, expressing their grief, and getting support from their community.” Without these traditional markers, find other ways to honor your loved one.

For example, have a small home-based ceremony and commemorate the person’s life by planting a tree, doing an art project, reading a poem, eulogizing and saying goodbye. You can also collect letters, video tributes and memories from others and share them with your children. Many have used Zoom to remember those who died. Ask your children, “How would you like to honor and remember _______?”

This conversation may be one of the toughest you will have with your kids, and one that, given the numbers, will be part of many families’ reality as we cope with incredible loss from the coronavirus. It’s stressful for everyone involved — for your children and for you, too.

Continue to reach out for the support you need so you and your children can be cared for during this difficult time. Even while we must be socially distant, no one should have to grieve alone.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Dealing with the Grief of What is Still to Come

Most, if not all of us, have a lingering sense that more loss is still to come.

By Sam Dylan Finch

Most, if not all of us, have a lingering sense that more loss is still to come.

While many of us might think of “grief” as being a response to losing someone we love, grief is actually a much more complex phenomenon.

Grappling with any kind of loss can involve a grief process, even if that loss isn’t exactly tangible.

There’s a lot to be grieving right now with the recent COVID-19 outbreak.

There’s a collective loss of normalcy, and for many of us, we’ve lost a sense of connection, routine, and certainty about the future. Some of us have already lost jobs and even loved ones.

And most, if not all of us, have a lingering sense that more loss is still to come. That sense of fearful anticipation is called “anticipatory grief,” and it can be a doozy.

A mourning process can occur even when we sense that a loss is going to happen, but we don’t know exactly what it is yet. We know the world around us will never be the same — but what exactly we’ve lost and will lose is still largely unknown to us.

This can be difficult to come to terms with.

If you’re wondering if you might be experiencing this kind of grief, here are some signs to look for, as well as some coping skills you can tap into at this time:

Maybe you’re feeling a sense of dread, as though something bad is just around the corner, but it’s unclear what it might be. (This is often described as “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”)

Hypervigilance is also a really common way this shows up. You might be scanning for possible “threats” — for example, reacting strongly whenever someone coughs or sneezes nearby, becoming agitated with a stranger who isn’t properly social distancing, or panicking whenever the phone rings.

This can also manifest as persistent anxiety and overwhelm, like “freezing up” when faced with decision making or planning, or procrastinating more often to avoid complex tasks.

If you’re anticipating danger or doom, it makes sense that staying emotionally regulated would be more challenging right now.

Finding yourself easily and persistently frustrated is a very common manifestation of grief.

For example, working from home might have previously felt like a luxury, but maybe now it feels more like a punishment. Not getting your preferred brand of boxed macaroni and cheese might not have felt like a big deal before, but suddenly you’re irate at your local store for not having ample stock.

If small obstacles suddenly feel intolerable, you’re not alone. These obstacles often serve as unconscious reminders that things aren’t the same — triggering grief and a sense of loss, even when we aren’t aware of it.

If you find yourself getting riled up more often, be gentle with yourself. This is a completely normal reaction during a time of collective trauma.

One of the ways that people often cope with anticipatory grief is to try to mentally and emotionally “prepare” for the worst case scenario.

If we pretend that it’s inevitable, we can trick ourselves into thinking it won’t feel so shocking or painful when it does come to that.

However, this is a bit of a trap. Ruminating about morbid scenarios, feeling hopeless as things unfold, or anxiously spinning out about everything that could go wrong won’t actually keep you safe — instead, it will just keep you emotionally activated.

In fact, chronic stress can impact your immune system in negative ways, which is why it’s so important to practice self-care during this time.

Preparedness is important, but if you find yourself fixated on the most apocalyptic and disastrous possibilities, you may be doing more harm than good. Balance is key.

When we feel overwhelmed, fearful, and triggered, it makes a lot of sense that we might withdraw from others. If we can barely keep ourselves afloat, avoiding other people can feel like we’re protecting ourselves from their stress and anxiety.

This can backfire, though. Isolation can actually increase feelings of depression and anxiety.

Instead, we need to stay connected to others — and we can do that by keeping firm boundaries about what kinds of support we can offer.

Some examples of boundaries you could set right now:

  • I’ve been having a really hard time with this COVID-19 stuff. Can we keep the conversation light today?
  • I don’t think I can talk about this right now. Is there something we can do to distract ourselves right now?
  • I’m struggling at the moment and not able to support you in that way right now. I’m happy to (play a game/send a care package/check in by text later on) instead if that would be helpful.
  • I don’t have a lot of capacity to support you right now, but I’ll email you some links later on that I think could be useful if you’d like that.

Remember, there’s nothing wrong with setting whatever boundaries you need to take care of yourself!

A lot of what we’re talking about with anticipatory grief is really just our body’s trauma response: namely, being in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode.

When we feel threatened, our bodies react by flooding us with stress hormones and amping us up, just in case we need to react quickly to a threat.

One of the side effects of this, though, is that we end up feeling worn down. Being so activated on a daily basis can really tire us out, making exhaustion a pretty universal grief experience.

This is particularly difficult at a time when so many people are talking about how productive they’ve been while self-isolating. It can feel pretty lousy to hear about others starting new hobbies or projects while we can barely get out of bed.

However, you’re far from alone in your pandemic-induced exhaustion. And if all you can do right now is keep yourself safe? That’s more than good enough.

If you’re not sure how to navigate this form of grief, there are a few things you can do:

Validate and affirm your feelings. There’s no reason to feel ashamed or critical of the emotions you’re having. Everyone will experience grief differently, and none of the feelings you’re having are unreasonable during such a difficult time. Be kind to yourself.

Bring it back to basics. It’s especially important to stay fed, hydrated, and rested at this time. If you’re struggling with this, I list some tips on basic self-care in this article and some useful apps to download here.

Connect with others, even when you don’t want to. It can be tempting to shut everyone out when you’re overwhelmed and activated. Please resist the urge! Human connection is a critical part of our well-being, especially now. And if your loved ones are driving you up a wall? There’s also an app to connect with people at this time.

Prioritize rest and relaxation. Yes, it sounds absurd to tell people to relax during a pandemic. However, when our anxiety is so activated, it’s critical to try to deescalate our bodies and brains. This article has a pretty exhaustive list of resources if your anxiety is heightened at this time.

Express yourself. Creative outlets are especially helpful right now. Try journaling, dancing, collaging — whatever helps you to process what’s happening for you emotionally! I’ve also got some journal prompts and self-care exercises in this grief zine if you’re interested.

Talk to a professional. Online therapy is a blessing right now. If you can access it, therapists are a vital resource for moving through grief and anxiety at this time. I’ve included some therapy resources here, and I’ve also shared some of my best teletherapy tips in this article.

In fact, you’re far from it. So many of us are experiencing a grief process around this time of rapid change and collective fearfulness.

You are worthy of support, and the struggles you’re having are completely understandable, especially given everything that’s shifting around us.

Be gentle with yourself — and if you need more support, don’t hesitate to reach out. We may be self-isolating and even lonely in the weeks to come, but none of us have to be alone right now.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What’s the point of grief?

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Grieving is an experience almost everyone will go through at some point in their life. And is something we often have no control over.

It isn’t just humans either. There is plenty of evidence, albeit anecdotal, that other mammals, particularly primates, stay close to their dead relatives or babies – even carrying them around for a time before descending into a period of depression.

In terms of evolution, if grief were not helpful, it would long have been bred out of our species. The real question then is not why do we grieve, more what purpose does it serve?

Stages of grief

People often talk of the “stages of grief”. The “five stages” model is the best known, with the stages being denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – though these were actually written to describe coming to terms with dying rather than bereavement.

For many working in the area of bereavement of counselling, the stages of grief are little more than of historical interest now, as the stages are seen as too rigid and not individualised enough – grief don’t come in fixed stages and everyone feels things differently.

In fact, most of what we understand about grief today, is down to psychologist, John Bowlby’s attachment theory. Essentially, attachment theory focuses on the “psychological connectedness between human beings”.

The theory looks at the quality of the intimate bonds we make during the course of our lives, with a specific focus on parent-child relations. And it seems that grief is the flipside to these very close attachments we, as humans, are able to form.

Every parent knows the ear-splitting protest when their infant is left alone. If they return quickly, peace is restored. Bowlby concluded that this behaviour evolved to keep the infant close to parents and safe from predators.

If, for whatever reason, the parent is unable to return, Bowlby noticed that after a prolonged protest, the child became withdrawn and despairing. Colin Murray Parkes, guru of bereavement theory and research, and a colleague of Bowlby’s, noticed the similarity between this behaviour and grief.

Science of grief

As a bereavement counsellor and researcher this is something I see in my clients. Initially they cry out in protest, but as time passes, they begin to despair, realising their loved one has gone forever.

Grief isn’t just a mental experience either. It also has a physiological effect as it can raise the levels of the stress hormone cortisol. This may explain why many of my clients experience stress reactions in the form of panic attacks, particularly if they attempt to bottle up their emotions.

Modern techniques in neuroscience allow us to see grief in real time. In MRI scans, a brain region called the nucleus accumbens, which lights up when we talk fondly of our love ones, also glows at our grief at losing them.

These reward centres in our brain that make us happy together, keep us bonded by making us sad when we are apart. In this sense, evolutionary biologists have suggested the protest phase of grief lasts long enough for us to search for our loved one, yet is short enough to detach when hope is lost.

The despair phase, a form of depression, follows – and may serve to detach us from the one we have lost. It saves us from an energy-draining and fruitless search for them. And in time, emotional detachment allows us to seek a new breeding partner. It has also been suggested that both protest and despair may function to foster family and tribal cohesion and a sense of shared identity through the act of shared grief.

A changed world

Most people associate grief with losing someone they love, but in reality people can grieve for all sorts of reasons. In essence, knowing what to expect and feeling secure and stable is important for our survival – so when a loss occurs in our lives, our world shifts and is turned upside down.

In grief and trauma work, this is knows this as “assumptive world theory”. In the face of death and trauma, these beliefs are shattered and disorientation and even panic can enter the lives of those affected.

Life is split into two halves – before the loss and after the loss. We grieve for the loss of the safe and familiar and it feels as though things will never be the same again. The loss of a loved one triggers both the grief of separation and the loss of our assumptive world in which they were a part.

But over time, we adapt to our new world. We relearn the world changed by our loss. Indeed, one of the privileges of working with grief is watching how so many clients learn and grow from the experience and emerge from their grief better equipped to deal with future losses.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!