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How to Make a Caregiving Plan

— So It’s Ready When You Need It

Talking about aging and illness can be difficult, but experts have tips for getting started.

By Lynya Floyd

Iris Waichler sat at the kitchen table with her husband, Steven, and seven friends. They were gathered to discuss their single, childless friend Paul Mungrides. But this wasn’t a lighthearted chat about finding the 56-year-old a date. They were there to talk about his end-of-life wishes.

A few weeks earlier, Mr. Mungrides was diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer that carries a 12- to 15-month life expectancy with treatment. He shared the news with Mr. Waichler, one of his best friends, who organized the rest of the group. They were the only people Mr. Mungrides could rely on for palliative care; his sole sibling lived out of state.

“We had plenty of time early on to talk about what he wanted, what his insurance covered, his finances,” Mrs. Waichler, a 68-year-old medical social worker based in Chicago, said.

Together, they devised a plan: One friend, a doctor, found Mr. Mungrides an oncologist. Mr. Waichler and another friend visited at night, watching Chicago Bulls games and helping Mr. Mungrides bathe. Mrs. Waichler did laundry, arranged meals and coordinated hospice care until Mr. Mungrides passed away in March 2012.

“We took care of him for almost a year,” she said. “We even arranged the memorial celebration.”

If this scenario sounds exceptional — like an ideal end-of-life story — that’s because it is. There are around 53 million unpaid caregivers in the United States, and their experiences don’t typically start with a detailed plan and a committed team. A partner is rushed to the hospital, or a spontaneous visit to a parent’s house reveals a bare fridge and stacks of unopened mail. Seemingly overnight, caregivers can find themselves alone and overwhelmed, careening toward burnout and exhaustion.

Creating a plan, even like the one Mr. Mungrides’s friends developed, won’t protect against every potential curveball. But carving out time before illness strikes to discuss wishes, assess resources, organize medical documents and, ultimately, outline responsibilities can make a fraught process a little less harrowing.

What to include in a caregiving plan

A comprehensive plan should list daily needs and designate a person to handle them once you or a loved one falls ill. It can be incredibly detailed, stipulating who will do grocery shopping or household chores, who will ensure medications are taken and prescriptions are refilled, and who will provide live-in care if necessary.

If you’re short on time, Aaron Blight, the author of “When Caregiving Calls: Guidance as You Care for a Parent, Spouse or Aging Relative,” recommended focusing on five questions: What care is required? When is it needed? Where will it be received? Who will provide the support? How will you pay for it?

There are also legal decisions to make, said C. Grace Whiting, the executive director of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. The legal titles and document names can vary, she said, but you should choose someone, like a health care proxy, to make medical decisions in the event you’re unable, as well as give someone power of attorney, so they can act on your behalf in financial, legal and other matters.

You should also write out an advanced directive, a legal document that provides, among other things, clear guidance about the level of care you want in a medical emergency if you can’t speak for yourself. And you should consider drafting a last will and testament that outlines how you want to allocate money, assets, intellectual property and other belongings.

If you are transitioning into a caregiver role, a legal care contract that describes the caregiver’s responsibilities and any compensation is also worth considering, Ms. Whiting said. “A lot of people just leave $300 a month on the kitchen table for the family member helping them,” she explained. “These contracts not only help avoid family disputes about where the money went, but also help you bypass tax implications down the road.”

Settling legal matters as early as possible will only make the caregiving experience easier down the line, and everyone can rest assured that those affairs will be taken care of. When Andy Jurinko’s pancreatic cancer progressed in the winter of 2011, his wife, Pat Moore, called a lawyer to finalize paperwork.

“It is the worst thing in the world to be laying in your bed, dying, and having a lawyer ask you questions about who should get what,” Ms. Moore, 69, a sweater designer from New York City, said. “If you wait until the last minute, you’re in such a bad place.”

Several caregivers we spoke to cited another person’s crisis as a catalyst for caregiving discussions. “After 9/11, my parents did most of the work themselves: meeting with lawyers and having a binder made up of all the documents we’d need,” Kitty Eisele, the host and creator of “Twenty-Four Seven: A Podcast About Caregiving,” said. “They came to us and said: ‘Here’s the paperwork, here’s the lawyer’s contact info. If something awful happens, you know what to do.’”

But for those who may be reluctant to have those conversations, there are other ways to begin talking about caregiving with loved ones:

1. Start with goals instead of problems.

It’s tempting to problem-solve when you’re concerned, but Liz O’Donnell, the founder of Working Daughter, a community for women balancing elder care with their careers, warned against that approach. Instead, she said, ask open-ended questions that give loved ones agency and allow them explore possibilities.

“It’s not, ‘You know you can’t live in this house anymore’ or ‘It’s not safe for you to drive anymore,’ but ‘What’s important to you as you look at the next phase of life?’” she said.

Claudia Fine, a licensed social worker and chief professional officer at eFamilyCare, suggested explaining that caregiving is somewhat inevitable — most people will eventually need it — while keeping a positive tone. “You can say: ‘At some point, before we have a crisis, I’d love to know what your thoughts are for if something were to happen; that way I can support you in this,’” she said.

2. Remember that you’re on the same team.

Conversations about caregiving can become contentious, but “the preferences, likes and dislikes of the person receiving care should be at the forefront,” said María P. Aranda, a professor of social work and the executive director for the Edward R. Roybal Institute on Aging at the University of Southern California. “It’s a shortsighted approach to not engage that person in their own care trajectory.”

You can also decide together who else might be able to help. “There’s an assumption that there will only be one caregiver present during the entire journey,” said Dr. Aranda, who suggested an approach that involves multiple supporters who can change over time.

3. Expect several conversations.

“It’s like asking for a raise,” Ms. O’Donnell said. “You don’t get it as soon as you walk into your boss’s door. It’s a negotiation.”

You might get shut down the first time you bring up the topic. “To you, this is just a conversation about practicality, safety and support,” Ms. O’Donnell said. “To them, it’s about loss, lack of independence and more change in a time when they’re already experiencing a lot of change. There can be a lot of fear around this.”

It’s also possible that your best-laid plans will need tweaking over time. Caregiving is dynamic, and what seemed like a perfect solution might prove ineffective later.

4. Lean on templates and icebreakers.

If you’re struggling to find the right approach, there are many resources available. A public health initiative called The Conversation Project, for example, provides free guides and scripts for starting conversations as well as communicating wishes for end-of-life care. There’s even a card game called Hello! that aims to ease participants into discussing their feelings about living and dying.

Managing care and expectations

Even if you create a plan, caregiving may still come with obstacles. “Sometimes there’s no rainbow at the end of the tunnel,” Dr. Aranda said.

After realizing that her parents would eventually need more support, Dr. Aranda and her sister had a conversation with them about hiring a home health aide. “They looked at us very perplexed and I thought, ‘This is not going well,’” she said. “The idea of having hired help coming into the home was foreign to them.”

Dr. Aranda and her sister ended up taking on more responsibility and increasing the hours they spent with their parents. But honoring someone else’s wishes for their care doesn’t mean you have to set aside your own needs. Experts recommended prioritizing self-care that goes beyond the occasional spa day and focuses, instead, on finding resources that yield financial, physical and emotional support.

“Many caregivers don’t know what services are available to them,” Dr. Aranda said. To explore your options, she recommended asking health care professionals, senior organizations and other caregivers how to get access to resources that could be helpful. “It’s amazing to see how families can learn from one another,” she said.

Revisiting your medical or employee benefits might also uncover things like insurance coverage for therapy appointments, family and medical leave to focus on caregiving or discounted daily care services for adults.

And online caregiver support groups can provide a safe space to vent. “Caregiving can be a lonely road,” Dr. Blight said. “But the friendships that you develop and the people who support you through these difficult times are often relationships that last beyond the season of caregiving.

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Ghost Marriage

— The Chinese Tradition Of Getting Dead People Married

Getting Married to the Dead

The History of Ghost Marriage

By

Ghost marriage is an ancient and mysterious Chinese tradition that has been practiced for centuries. Even in the modern day, it is still a custom of many Chinese families, but what exactly is ghost marriage and why do people practice it? This blog post will explore the history, reasons, types, contemporary practices, and cultural implications of ghost marriage to gain insight into how this tradition has evolved over time and its impact on modern Chinese culture today. From exchanging money or goods as part of the ceremony to how it shapes traditional values, this article will uncover the mysteries of this unique practice.

History and Origin of Ghost Marriage

Ghost marriage is an ancient and mysterious Chinese tradition that has been practiced for centuries. It is believed to have originated in ancient China thousands of years ago, with the practice then spreading throughout Europe and Asia. This practice was traditionally seen as a way to ensure that the deceased had a partner in the afterlife. In fact, Confucius himself was known to have mentioned this practice in his writings.

The traditional Chinese belief was that a ghost marriage could help restore balance between two families who had lost a child. The idea was that by joining two families together through marriage, both families would be able to benefit from the union even if one of their members had died. This idea has been around since ancient times and still holds true today in some parts of China.

Another reason why ghost marriages are popular is due to superstition and fear of bad luck or misfortune. Many people believe that if they do not perform a ghost marriage ceremony for their deceased family member, it may bring bad luck upon them or their family. Therefore, performing this ceremony can be seen as a way of protecting yourself from bad luck or evil spirits.

A ghost wedding feast in Singapore. Source: Topley, 1955

Finally, there are also religious reasons for why people may choose to perform ghost marriages. In some cases, it can be seen as an act of piety towards one’s ancestors or gods and goddesses associated with death and rebirth rituals such as those found in Taoism and Buddhism.

Ghost marriages are still practiced today in many parts of China, although they are not as common as they once were due to changing cultural attitudes towards death and mourning practices over time. Despite this shift in attitudes, this mysterious tradition still lives on because it offers comfort to those who mourn for their loved ones and helps them keep their memories alive forever through this special ritualistic ceremony.

Reasons for Ghost Marriage

Since ancient times, Chinese people have practiced ghost marriage as part of their culture and religious customs. The belief that ghosts are in need of companionship is deeply ingrained in Chinese culture, leading to the practice of ghost marriage in order to provide the deceased with a life partner in the afterlife. Performing such a ceremony also allows families to keep ancestral connections alive and maintain their traditions.

In some cases, ghost marriages were also carried out as a way of preventing unmarried daughters from becoming “hungry ghosts” in the afterlife; this was done out of fear that she would be doomed to wander endlessly without rest or peace if she did not have someone to accompany her into death. It was believed that unhappy spirits could bring bad luck and misfortune upon those who had wronged them during life, so marrying off single women was seen as a way of avoiding potential disasters.

Religious reasons for performing ghost marriages exist as well; these acts are sometimes used as offerings for gods or goddesses associated with death and rebirth rituals. In addition, ceremonies can be performed out of piety towards ancestors or deities related to ancestor worship or traditional funeral practices.

Ghost marriage has been an important tradition among Chinese people for centuries, but its prevalence has declined today due to evolving cultural views about death and mourning practices. Despite this shift however, the reasons behind it remain unchanged—to provide comfort for ghosts so they may pass peacefully into the afterlife, avert misfortune caused by hungry spirits on earth, preserve familial ties and honor religious beliefs related to ancestor worship or funeral rites.

Types of Ghost Marriages

Ghost marriage is an ancient custom practiced in China, where two families exchange money and goods as a sign of respect for the deceased. Usually, this occurs either before or after the actual nuptials take place. The bride’s family pays a dowry to the groom’s family or receives payment from them in return for her labor or services. Additionally, the groom’s family may provide a dowry to the bride’s family if they are unable to pay for her services.

The goods exchanged during these ceremonies vary, depending on region and religion. Rice, tea, sugar cane, incense sticks and candles are common gifts given by the bride’s family in some areas while clothing or jewelry may be offered in others. Others incorporate religious customs by exchanging items thought to bring good luck and protection from evil spirits.

Families arrange ghost marriages for various reasons, including protecting unmarried daughters from becoming “hungry ghosts” – spirits believed to haunt young women who die without being married or bearing children – as well as providing companionship for those who passed away. It is also often done to restore balance between two families through marriage following a tragedy like losing a child.

Over time, cultural attitudes towards death have changed leading to fewer ghost marriages taking place today; however its purpose remains largely undiminished within Chinese society – honoring ancestral deities and offering comfort during times of grief and loss.

Contemporary Practices

Ghost marriage continues to be practiced in China today, although the practices have changed from their ancient roots. Modern ghost marriages often involve an exchange of money or goods, as well as a ceremony, and are still popular in rural areas as a way to keep families connected. In contrast to historical traditions, modern ghost marriages are more likely to be between two deceased people rather than one living person and a deceased person.

Some people also practice ghost marriage out of respect for their ancestors or bridge the gap between two families. This can include uniting two families who have lost someone close, such as siblings marrying each other’s spouses after death. There are now laws in place that regulate who can be married in a ghost marriage, such as the requirement that both parties must have been dead for at least three years before the ceremony takes place.

Despite these regulations, there is still some controversy surrounding modern ghost marriage due to its association with illegal activities such as human trafficking and forced labor. In addition, some argue that it violates traditional Chinese values by disrupting familial hierarchy and disregarding filial piety towards ancestors.

Nevertheless, contemporary practices of ghost marriage exist alongside more traditional methods of honoring those who have passed away or connecting two families through ancestral lines. It is an ever-evolving tradition that continues to shape Chinese culture today despite changing attitudes towards death and mourning practices over time.

Cultural Implications

Ghost marriage has been an important part of Chinese culture for centuries and continues to shape modern Chinese society in subtle ways. In traditional Chinese culture, the practice was seen as a way to ensure the deceased had an afterlife and proper burial, as well as a way to negotiate or reaffirm power dynamics within family networks.

In recent years, there has been a shift in attitudes towards ghost marriage in China, with some viewing it as a violation of traditional values while others embrace it as a unique cultural tradition. This divide is largely due to the changing legal status of ghost marriage in China; while it is not illegal, there are laws regulating who can be married in this capacity.

The potential implications of ghost marriage on future generations are also worth considering. It is likely that intergenerational transmission of values associated with the practice will depend on how families view it today – whether they view it positively or negatively could determine whether these traditions are passed down through the generations.

Ultimately, although ghost marriage is no longer widely practiced today and its role in modern Chinese culture is somewhat unclear, this ancient tradition continues to shape our understanding of life and death and influence our views on family relationships and societal norms. As such, studying the history and current practices associated with ghost marriage can provide us with valuable insight into how modern-day Chinese society works.

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Thanatophobia (Fear Of Death)

— Symptoms And Treatment

By Emily Laurence

It’s natural to worry about death—whether it’s your own or a loved one’s. But for those with thanatophobia, feelings of worry and anxiety over dying are so intense, it impacts their ability to function day-to-day.

Though death is unavoidable, it’s possible to overcome thanatophobia. This requires knowing the symptoms, understanding the reasons why it can develop, being properly diagnosed and working with a mental health professional. When left untreated, fear of death can prevent one from living the full life they deserve to live.

What Is Thanatophobia?

Thanatophobia is the fear of death or the dying process. “We all fear things, and many people are afraid of death,” says Jenna DiLossi, Psy.D., a specialist in phobias and the co-founder of the Center For Hope and Health located in Pennsylvania. “But a phobia has a certain level of intensity and pervasiveness of fear.”

Rachel Menzies, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, the director of the Menzies Anxiety Centre in Australia and a leading expert on thanatophobia. She has written several books on the topic, including Free Yourself From Death Anxiety. Thanatophobia can involve fear of death itself or the dying process, she explains. “It could be related to the fear of not existing one day or it could be the fear of death being really painful,” she says. Thanatophobia can also mean having a phobia of others’ dying, she adds.

The difference between having a “normal” fear of death and a true phobia is the level it impacts one’s daily life, says Dr. DiLossi. For example, someone with thanatophobia may avoid certain activities, such as driving, because they worry it will kill them.

Thanatophobia is not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5); instead it’s considered a “specific phobia.” The criteria for being diagnosed with a specific phobia is as follows:

  • Fear about a specific object or situation (in this case, death or dying)
  • The situation almost always causes immediate fear or anxiety
  • The fear is disproportionate to the actual danger
  • The situation is actively avoided or endured with intense anxiety
  • The fear impacts one’s daily life, such as their social life or job
  • The fear has been present for at least six months
  • It cannot be explained by symptoms of another mental health disorder

Dr. Menzies emphasizes that feeling queasy or anxious about death is natural. It’s when the anxiety surrounding death starts impacting one’s daily life that it’s considered a phobia. For example, someone with thanatophobia may be unable to focus at work or the phobia gets in the way of them pursuing meaningful activities, such as traveling, she says.

Thanatophobia Causes and Risk Factors

Both experts say that anyone can be thanatophobic; both old and young people, people who have strong religious beliefs and people who don’t, people who are physically healthy and people who are sick. However, there are some risk factors that can make someone more likely to experience this specific fear. Both experts say that individuals with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) are more likely to be thanatophobic. Dr. Menzies explains that for some people with OCD, the reason why they engage in compulsive habits (such as hand washing) is because they believe it will prevent something bad from happening, such as an untimely death.

Women are more likely than men to have thanatophobia since women tend to have more general anxiety than men, says. Dr. Menzies. Research also shows that people in middle age are more likely to have a fear of death than elderly adults. Dr. Menzies hypothesizes that older people may be less anxious about death because they come to accept it more, in part by seeing others die. However, she notes that witnessing someone experiencing a painful or traumatic death can also make thanatophobia more likely.

In terms of the link between religious beliefs and thanatophobia, anecdotally, Dr. Menzies has noticed in her clinical practice that people who are unsure of their beliefs tend to be more fearful of death than those who believe strongly in what will happen after death.

“Both very committed religious believers and committed atheists are less likely [to be thanatophobic] than people in the middle who are uncertain about the afterlife,” she says. Scientific studies show there is not a connection between one’s specific religious beliefs (such as Christian or Muslim) and the likelihood of having a fear of death.

Thanatophobia Diagnosis

As previously mentioned, thanatophobia is not its own specific condition included in the DSM-5. The closest diagnosable condition is “specific phobia,” says Dr. DiLossi. When diagnosing someone with thanatophobia, clinicians refer to the list of criteria for specific phobia, she explains.

Both experts emphasize that the main sign that someone is thanatophobic is that their fear of death (either their own or someone else’s) is impacting their daily life. This can include getting in the way of work (such as being unable to focus), being preoccupied during social events (such as being unable to enjoy spending time with friends or family due to being preoccupied by thoughts of death) or avoiding meaningful activities because of the fear that it will lead to death (even though the risk for this happening is low).

Thanatophobia Treatment

With professional help, thanatophobia is treatable. According to both experts, as with other phobias, the most common treatment for thanatophobia is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a psychological treatment that examines what one thinks and what one does. First, a therapist will explore where the client’s fear of death stems from. They will also ask about the ways this fear is limiting their life. Then, they will work through actionable steps so that it no longer holds them back.

For some individuals, longer term and more intensive psychodynamic and existential therapies are needed if the symptoms of their thanatophobia return after CBT.

With other phobias (such as spiders, driving or heights), both experts explain that CBT uses exposure therapy to incrementally help someone become more comfortable with the object or circumstance surrounding their fear. For example, someone with a fear of driving may look at a car, then work up to sitting in a car and then eventually driving it. Working through a fear of death has similarities and differences; for example, Dr. Menzies says that she may have a thanatophobic client start by reading the obituaries. Then, she may ask them to plan their funeral or will. “Really anything that moves toward acceptance of death and away from denial or avoidance [will help],” she says.

Unlike with other phobias, Dr. Menzies says that being around death itself is not part of overcoming thanatophobia. Treatment also does not involve doing risky activities that would jeopardize one’s safety, says Dr. DiLossi.

Living With Thanatophobia

Death is inevitable. This raises an interesting question: How does the death of a loved one impact someone with thanatophobia? “For some people, this experience will actually help them cultivate an acceptance of death, particularly people who are desperately trying to prevent their own death,” says Dr. Menzies. But for others, the death of a loved one can exacerbate their fear, making it worse. “It greatly depends on the circumstances surrounding the death,” she says. “Was the person in pain? Was it peaceful?”

If the death of a loved one has made someone’s fear of death more pronounced, it’s especially important to reach out to a mental health provider who can provide actionable tips based in CBT that can help them cope, says Dr. Menzies.

Both experts say that overcoming thanatophobia does not mean that someone will not be fearful of death at all; what it means is that their fear will not impact their daily life.

When to See a Doctor

If a fear of death is impacting your daily life, it’s important to see a mental health provider who specializes in phobias or CBT, experts note. One way to find a CBT therapist near you is by using the directory created by the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. You can also see your primary health care provider, who can connect you to a mental health provider.

“There’s a misconception that since death is unavoidable, people with this phobia need to just ‘get over it.’ That is untrue. There is specific treatment for thanatophobia,” Dr. Menzies says, referring to CBT. “There is very good evidence that people can overcome thanatophobia. This is not something someone has to live with.”

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Jewish Funeral Customs

— 20 Things You Should Know

Jewish funeral customs have been shaped by centuries of religious tradition and cultural practices. These customs are designed to show respect for the deceased and provide comfort to the grieving family.

If you have been invited to a Jewish funeral or wish to offer support to a Jewish friend in mourning, it is essential to familiarize yourself with these customs.

In this blog post, we will cover 20 things you should know about Jewish funeral customs.

Sympathy Flowers

While Christian funerals generally include many flowers to send for sympathy, this is generally not done at Jewish funerals, it is appropriate to send a donation to a designated charity or plant a tree in Israel in memory of the deceased.

However, if you know that the family appreciates sympathy flowers, sending a simple and modest arrangement is acceptable.

Immediate Burial

In the Jewish tradition, the deceased should ideally be buried as soon as possible, usually within 24 hours of death. This is done to honor the body and show respect for the soul.

No Embalming Or Cremation

Jewish law prohibits embalming and cremation, as they are seen as disrespectful to the body. The body is considered sacred and should be returned to the earth in a natural state.

Tahara

The deceased’s body is prepared for burial through a ritual cleansing called tahara. This process is performed by a group of trained individuals called the chevra kadisha. The body is washed, purified and dressed in simple white shrouds called tachrichim.

Simple Wooden Casket

A traditional Jewish burial involves a plain wooden casket with no metal parts. The simplicity of the casket reflects the belief in the equality of all people in death.

Shemira

Shemira is the practice of watching over the deceased from the time of death until burial. A family member or designated individual, known as a shomer, stays with the body to recite prayers and psalms.

Funeral Service

The Jewish funeral service called a levaya, is usually brief and simple. It includes prayers, the recitation of psalms, and eulogies. The service takes place at a synagogue, funeral home or graveside.

Procession To The Cemetery

After the funeral service, there is a procession to the cemetery. Mourners follow the hearse on foot for a short distance to show their respect and honor the deceased.

Kriah

During the funeral, mourners perform the kriah, a ritual tearing of one’s clothing. This symbolizes the tearing of the heart and the depth of griefhttps://southfloridareporter.com/jewish-funeral-customs-20-things-you-should-know/ experienced by the mourners.

Burial

At the cemetery, the casket is lowered into the ground, and mourners participate in the mitzvah of burial by shoveling earth onto the casket. This act is a final gesture of love and respect for the deceased.

Shiva

Shiva is the initial seven-day mourning period observed by the immediate family. Mourners stay at home, refrain from work and social activities, and receive visitors who come to offer comfort and support.

Offering Condolences

When offering condolences to a Jewish mourner, it is customary to say “HaMakom yenachem etchem b’toch she’ar avelei Tzion v’Yerushalayim” which means “May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

Meal Of Consolation

Following the burial, the family returns home to share a meal of consolation, called the seudat havra’ah. This meal typically includes round foods, such as eggs or lentils, which symbolize the cycle of life and the hope for continuity.

Uncovering The Mirrors

Covering mirrors during the shiva period is a Jewish tradition to symbolize the mourning process. At the end of shiva, it is customary to uncover the mirrors to signify the return to normal life.

This act is a reminder that while the deceased may be gone, life must continue. It also serves as a reminder that life is cyclical, and after periods of sadness, there will be times of joy and happiness.

Sheloshim

Sheloshim is a thirty-day mourning period observed by close family members after the death of a loved one. During this time, mourners refrain from attending social events and other festivities.

This period allows the mourners to focus on the grieving process and honor the memory of the deceased. Sheloshim provides an opportunity for mourners to reflect on the life of the deceased and to begin to find a way forward without them.

Yahrzeit

Yahrzeit is the anniversary of the death of a loved one, observed by lighting a yahrzeit candle and reciting the Kaddish prayer. The candle is lit for twenty-four hours and symbolizes the light that the deceased brought into the world during their lifetime.

Yahrzeit is an important time for family and friends to come together to remember and honor the life of the deceased. It is an opportunity to reflect on the memories shared and the impact they had on others.

Kaddish

The kaddish is a prayer recited by mourners during the funeral service and for the first year after the death. It is also recited on the yahrzeit and other occasions to honor the deceased. Kaddish is a powerful prayer that speaks to the hope and faith of the Jewish people. It is a reminder that life is cyclical and that after periods of sorrow, there will be times of joy and happiness. Kaddish provides comfort and solace to the mourners and helps them find peace during a difficult time.

Unveiling Ceremony

The unveiling ceremony, which takes place approximately one year after the death, involves the unveiling of the headstone at the cemetery. Family and friends gather to remember and honor the deceased.

Honoring The Deceased

Jewish funeral customs place a strong emphasis on honoring the deceased and showing respect for their life. This includes speaking about the deceased in positive terms and refraining from discussing any negative aspects of their life.

Comforting The Mourners

Above all, Jewish funeral customs are designed to provide comfort and support to the mourners. Whether it’s through the practice of shemira, the sharing of memories, or the offering of condolences, the focus is on helping the bereaved find peace and solace during a difficult time.

Jewish funeral customs have been shaped by centuries of tradition and reflect the importance of honoring the deceased and comforting the bereaved. Understanding these customs is essential when attending a Jewish funeral or offering support to a Jewish friend in mourning.

While sympathy flowers are not generally sent to Jewish funerals, other meaningful gestures, such as a donation to charity or a tree planting, can show your love and support. By familiarizing yourself with these customs and offering compassion and kindness, you can help ease the pain of those who have lost a loved one.

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The dying tradition of the funeral cortege

— Is there still a place in our increasingly fast-paced world for solemn, intimate customs like this one?

Hundreds of St. John’s residents participated in the funeral procession of Gerald J. Whitty and William King, local veterans of the First World War, after they were killed by a speeding car in Donovans in September 1924.

By Ainsley Hawthorn

It’s a tale of two funerals.

Spring 2018, Corner Brook, N.L.: As we leave my grandmother’s funeral, other drivers yield to our procession, even stopping on a green light to let us through so we aren’t separated. We reach the cemetery together to bear the casket into a receiving chapel for a final farewell.

Spring 2023, St. John’s: Leaving my cousins’ grandmother’s funeral, the hearse is immediately cut off from mourners by a courier van barrelling down the quiet side street. Despite our blinking emergency lights, the procession is interrupted by car after car, and we ultimately arrive at the cemetery by ones and twos, as though we had travelled separately.

The funeral cortege is a dying tradition, especially in larger centres where traffic is heavier and there’s a higher proportion of young drivers unfamiliar with the tradition of yielding to them.

Critics say we’d be better off without processions, which delay transit and occasionally even lead to accidents. Is there still a place for solemn, intimate customs like this one in our increasingly fast-paced and impersonal society?

Funeral processions have existed throughout recorded history. They emerged independently in many different parts of the world, for purely practical reasons.

An Egyptian painting of a funeral procession.
An Egyptian widow weeps beside her husband’s coffin, kohl eyeliner running down her cheeks, while male relatives and colleagues follow behind the funeral sledge.

When a person dies, their remains must be transported from the location of their death to a place where their body can be prepared, then onward to their final resting place. Sometimes there’s a stop at a ceremonial space like a church or a temple along the way.

Since death is a social event — one that engages family, friends and community in commemorating the loss — it’s natural that the people who gather to honour the deceased should also accompany the corpse on its last journey.

A 4,000-year-old lament from Mesopotamia describes a king’s funeral. Weeping soldiers escorted his body to its grave, where his donkeys and chariot were buried with him to carry him the rest of the way to the netherworld.

Upper-class Egyptian funeral corteges included family members, priests, servants and sometimes musicians or professional mourners. The Tale of Sinuhe (ca. 1900-1700 BC) vividly depicts the trip to the tomb from the corpse’s perspective (translation by Roland Enmarch):

“A funeral procession will be made for you on the day of joining the earth with a mummy case of gold, a mask of lapis lazuli, a heaven over you, and you placed in a hearse, with oxen dragging you, and singers before you.”

An ordinary person might not have a golden casket, but in most places they would have the dignity of some sort of procession. Their body might be carried on the shoulders of loved ones or pulled to the gravesite on a wheeled bier followed by neighbours and friends on foot.

An engraving of people in a long line in a field, both leading and following a coffin being carried aloft by a few people.
Ojibwe mourners bear a community member, along with food and personal belongings, to a burial scaffold. Engraving after B. Picart, 1723.

In rural communities, the distance from the deceased’s home to a cremation site or burial ground was usually short, but larger centres often required cemeteries to be located outside city limits for sanitary reasons or to preserve space for housing, making them difficult to reach on foot.

As a result, motor vehicles were incorporated into funeral processions almost as soon as they became widely available.

In 1908, the first car affordable to the middle class, the Ford Model T, was brought to market in the United States, and the first gas-powered “auto hearses” were introduced just a year later.

As car ownership became more and more common over the course of the 20th century, vehicular processions became the norm for funerals in many parts of the world, giving rise to new etiquette.

Participants in the cortege would drive slowly to mimic the sombre pace of a funeral march, and other drivers would usually give them the right of way.

These courtesies, however, weren’t always enshrined in law.

A pastoral picture of people winding their way beside trees and houses.
Eighteenth-century Chinese wallpaper shows a funeral procession led by musicians.

Most provinces and territories allow cars in corteges to travel closer together than other vehicles, but only five — Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, Saskatchewan, Alberta and the Yukon — actually prohibit other drivers from cutting in.

As for running red lights and stop signs, that’s allowed only under certain circumstances in Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Alberta and the Yukon, while P.E.I. is the lone province with a law requiring other drivers to slow down when approaching a cortege.

While they may have little legal protection, funeral processions can have a big emotional impact.

I had never given much thought to funeral processions until I was in one and found it comforting to see other drivers slow down or stop. After all, when someone we love dies, doesn’t it feel like the world should stop, if only for a moment?

Those brief gestures of respect not only communicate sympathy and mutual support, they acknowledge that the deceased was part of the fabric of the community. Drivers might not know who’s in the casket but may nonetheless feel the gap they leave behind — the regular customer who no longer pops into their coffee shop, the neighbour who no longer pets their dog, the receptionist who no longer answers their call.

In a culture where we’re more and more insulated from death, it’s also an opportunity for drivers to reflect on their own mortality. It’s a memento mori, a reminder that we and our loved ones will soon be making that final journey ourselves and that we should live our lives with the knowledge they will not last forever.

Diverse, urban societies are bound by few common rituals. The funeral procession cuts across cultural and religious lines and allows us to recognize our common humanity.

Isn’t that worth a moment’s pause?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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You’ve lost someone you love

— 4 signs you may need to seek grief counselling

Talking helps you access your internal resources.

By

Grief is a natural response to losing something you felt a bond with. This loss ranges from death to the end of a relationship. It could also be the loss of an election or of a body part through amputation. Grief is natural and normal. It serves as a psychological way of buffering you against the shock brought on by loss.

Experiencing the grief brought on by the death of someone you loved is an emotionally challenging journey. The intensity of your reaction will vary depending on factors like the nature of your loved one’s death, your relationship with them and their age. For instance, violent deaths or the loss of a child tend to evoke more profound pain than a death from natural causes or the passing on of an older person.

As a counselling psychologist who studies trauma and how communities process grief, I believe that understanding the symptoms of grief and recognising the signs that you aren’t coping with loss on your own are crucial for promoting healing and overall well-being.

Symptoms of grief

The common symptoms of grief can be categorised into four dimensions.

Physical symptoms: these affect the biological functions of the human body. They may include a change in eating habits, like overeating or a loss of appetite. You may also experience a general loss of energy and gastrointestinal issues, like constipation and stomach aches. Your immune system could also weaken, meaning you fall ill easier.

Intellectual symptoms: these affect the cognitive dimension. They include concentration deficits, such as repeatedly performing small tasks to accomplish simple assignments. Confusion may arise, leading to disorganisation and difficulty recalling certain things, like the names of children or specific rooms in the house. Making decisions and learning new things could also become challenging. This reaction is a result of the overwhelming pressure and disruption that grief exerts on the brain.

Social symptoms: these include how you relate to others after a loss. Some people may withdraw and retreat from the activities they enjoy. Others may display irritability or mood swings. They may also become more dependent, requiring the presence and support of others even for simple decisions.

Spiritual symptoms: these relate to religious or spiritual beliefs and values. Grief can lead to you questioning where your God was when your loved one died. You may doubt the power of your God or question the effectiveness of your prayers. These spiritual reactions are an attempt to understand grief by finding new meaning through looking to a higher power for answers.

All these symptoms are normal reactions to losing a loved one. They aren’t necessarily problematic. However, grief symptoms can be viewed as harmful if they present for longer than normal (usually more than 12 months) or if they affect your functionality to a point where you’re not able to perform your normal day-to-day activities smoothly.

Signs you aren’t coping

People who aren’t coping well with grief after losing a loved one exhibit several symptoms. These include:

Prolonged and intense grief: while grief is a natural process that takes time, an extended period of intense grief may suggest the need for additional support. If your grief persists beyond six months without significant improvement or relief, seeking professional assistance may be beneficial.

Impaired daily functioning: grief can disrupt daily life, but if it significantly affects your ability to function, it may be a sign that professional help is necessary. Finding it challenging to concentrate on tasks, make decisions or perform routine activities due to overwhelming sadness indicates you could benefit from grief counselling. You may also need the support of your peers or significant others.

Persistent emotional distress: feelings of emptiness, loneliness and a deep yearning for the deceased are normal aspects of the grieving process. However, if these emotions become overwhelming and persistently disrupt your daily life, it may be time to consider seeking professional help. Grief counsellors can help you navigate complex emotions and find healthy coping mechanisms. These mechanisms include sports, prayer, keeping a reflective journal or celebrating anniversaries linked to the deceased.

Self-destructive thoughts or behaviours: in some cases, grief can lead to thoughts of self-harm or a desire to join the deceased. These intense feelings of hopelessness and despair require immediate attention. If you experience persistent thoughts of suicide or engage in self-destructive behaviours, like using drugs in an effort to numb the pain, reach out to a grief counsellor or a mental health professional. This is crucial for your safety and well-being.

Way forward

Seeking professional help doesn’t indicate weakness or an inability to handle grief on your own. Instead, grief counselling provides a safe space to express your emotions, gain valuable insights and learn coping strategies that are tailored to your specific needs.

When in this safe space, talk about how you’re feeling. This helps you express emotions that you may have earlier blocked. It also helps you access your internal resources, such as resilience, spirituality and positive self-talk. Talking it out also helps get you to a place where you can accept a loss and move forward with your life.

Healing from grief takes time. Seeking help is a courageous step towards finding solace and restoring your well-being.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why young people with life-limiting illnesses need special end-of-life care

Sydney’s Adolescent and Young Adult Hospice is the first of its kind in Australia, and opened its doors in February this year.

By Shalailah Medhora

Young people with serious illnesses will soon be able to have consistent end-of-life care under the new Paediatric Palliative Care Action Plan, launched by the federal government today.

It is the first road map for end-of-life care specifically targeted at infants, children, adolescents and young adults.

Currently, palliative care services are aimed at people in their 70s, 80s and older, which means that young people aren’t getting the services they need.

Assistant Health Minister Ged Kearney told Hack that the plan aims to bridge that gap.

“There always seems to have been a gap with the need for a specialist palliative care program for young people, because I think their needs are quite different.”

The plan was commissioned under the previous federal government and has been four years in the making.

“We brought together governments, key stakeholder organisations, health services, health workers, families … to build this action plan,” Ms Kearney said.

“It’s going to be out there as of today to make sure … we have national consistency, and that young people, children and infants get the best possible care they can.”

The need for youth-specific care

Earlier this year, the Adolescent and Young Adult Hospice (AYAH) opened its doors in the northern beaches of Sydney. It was the first of its kind in Australia, a facility aimed solely at providing care for young people aged 15 to 24.

“It’s a time when they’re going through emotional changes, social changes, physical changes, etc,” services manager Tayia Yeats said.

“They need to have that different area, which is purpose built for them, where they can interact with others that are going through similar challenges.”

The facility is funded through New South Wales Health, charity the North Foundation, and through donations from the community.

It has purpose-built spaces for activities young people enjoy, like a music room, games room and space to watch movies.

“It feels more like a hangout,” university student Patrick Nolan said.

Patrick is 21 and lives with muscular dystrophy. He has visited AYAH for respite care and says the most important aspect of the facility is the ability to interact with other young people.

“We’d stay up late, just messing around like any young person can do. And for me that that’s a bit of a challenge outside of this place,” Patrick explained.

Three young people who use wheelchairs pose for the camera, alongside three carers
Patrick Nolan (holding guitar) says respite care is like a “holiday from life”, and gives him the opportunity to behave like a carefree young person.

“What they want to be doing at 21 years of age is very different than what you want to be doing at 81 years of age,” nurse practitioner Sara Fleming said.

She’s been working in paediatric palliative care for over 20 years, and said the needs of a young person approaching the end of their lives can be very different to what health care professionals — and even the young person’s family — recommend.

Sara said she had a young patient once who had a life expectancy of just a few months.

“There was great distress in the family and distress experienced by the parents, because this young person, they wanted to go to a party.”

“So my job as a nurse looking after this was to go, ‘Alright, let’s get you to the party. But let’s put some things in place that are invisible to people at the party that just help everyone,'” Sara said.

Assistant Health Minister Ged Kearney said a key aspect of the paediatric palliative care plan is ensuring that the views of young people are respected.

“It’s so important to involve young people in the decision making around the end of their life. It’s their life.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!