Month: February 2017

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The importance of the eulogy

By REV. DAVE HOGSETT

[T]he first thing that many people read when they get their local newspaper is the obituaries. Some want to know if a friend or neighbor has died. Others are looking for information concerning the arrangements for the deceased. For some, reading the obituaries becomes existential when the deceased’s age is close to that of the reader. There are those who think it is a good day if they do not see their own names on the obituary page.

For more than a half century, William F. Buckley Jr. was the spokesperson and architect of modern American conservatism. One of his lesser known accomplishments was his mastery of the eulogy. The learned scholar Ernest van den Haag said of Buckley: “Buckley has re-elevated the art of eulogy to the high standard from which it had long ago fallen. So much so, that I am firmly resolved to leave this world before he does, for his eulogy is bound to be much better than mine.” (A Torch Kept Lit, p. 10)

James Rosen published “A Torch Kept Lit” in 2016. It is an annotated collection of 50 of Buckley’s eulogies and obituaries. Rosen’s commentary not only gives insight into Buckley, but helps to place each of the selections within the context of the world in which the person lived and moved and had their being. The categories — presidents, family, arts and letters, generals, spies, statesmen, friends, nemeses — give some indication of the range of Buckley’s interests.

In over 50 years in the ministry I have officiated at almost 450 funerals. When I was asked to conduct my first service as an assistant at the Grapevine United Methodist Church, I sought out the advice of one of the chaplains at Harris Hospital in Fort Worth, Texas. He said that I should remember that the funeral service is for the living and not the dead. The service should be seen through the perspective of pastoral care. The purpose of the service is to help those who are attending the funeral to process what the loss means and what it means to continue without the departed. Of special importance is to help the people understand the grief process.

To help people with their grieving, I have found it helpful to be able to encapsulate the life of the deceased in a single image or phrase. Usually I discover this image or phrase while talking with the family or friends. This conversation is also a part of the grieving process. Once I have the image or phrase, I look for a Scripture text that illustrates or expands upon it. Then I look for other material that provides commentary or illustrates the image or phrase. My funeral message brings together the image or phrase, the Scripture lesson and the supporting material with the purpose of helping those attending with their grief.

A final piece of a Christian funeral is to give those who attend the assurance that God is with them in their loss. This can be done by pointing out how God was with the deceased during his/her life time. There are times when the grieving need to know that God is even there when they are angry with Him. Jesus’ words from the cross — “My God, my God why have you forsaken me?” — resonate with how they feel.

The obituary has long been a part of American culture. William F. Buckley Jr. helped to re-elevate the eulogy to the high standard it once had in this country. The obituary and the eulogy help the grieving to remember and give thanks for the life of the deceased. It also helps those left behind to grieve the departed. The obituary and the eulogy are a reminder of our human mortality and give us cause to turn to God for His help during our time under the sun.

Complete Article HERE!

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At the hour of death: Unlocking the mystery of dying

By Glenville Ashby

“Dying has a funny way of making you see people, the living and the dead, a little differently. Maybe that’s just part of grieving, or maybe the dead stand there and open our eyes a bit wider.” (Susan Gress Gilmore)

Glenville Ashby

Most of us have lost loved ones. It is a painful experience that sometimes takes years to heal, if ever. Many depart suddenly without notice and we are left helpless, forlorn and confounded.

Others waste away, a slow process that is painful, difficult to watch. We are called upon to be caregivers, attending to the every need of a dying relative. During that time we learn timeless lessons if we are patient, listen, and learn from this unique experience.

Like birth, death is an integral part of life that should be accorded the right, appropriate response. On a mystical level, the dying person experiences what hospice nurse Maggie Callanan calls the “Nearing Death Awareness”.

It is a process that can take days, weeks and even months; but during that time we are afforded unique information that will help us in our own spiritual travels when we are called home.

Callahan concluded in her cross-cultural research that dying persons speak of travel, maps, trains, and of queuing up to get to another place. She also found that those she studied were not heavily sedated, nor were they speaking in fantastical terms due to any neurological, physical or physiological handicap.

In her book, Final Gifts, she writes, “… we found no common cause for what we were seeing and hearing. Our patients had many different illnesses – varieties of cancer, AIDS. In some cases, their brain oxygen, body fluid and body salt levels had been documented as normal.

“Their medications varied widely, some were taking no drugs at all, others many. In short, there was no apparent physiological explanation for their communication patterns.”

Dismiss the disjointed

Unfortunately, we sometimes dismiss the disjointed, and seemingly incongruous and incomprehensible words of the dying person, attributing it to medication, dementia, or senility.

Confused, we ask the nurse or doctor to take the appropriate medical measures to quiet the patient. Somehow, we miss the mark, missing the opportunity to ease the concerns and burdens of the patient.

When we can decode what the patient is trying to say and ably respond, we have facilitated the process of transition (dying). Patients get agitated or resigned when they are not understood. The dying process becomes longer, even more tortuous as the patient struggles to convey a message or articulate a concern.

Studies have shown that dying persons will opt to leave this earth when they are satisfied that those they are leaving behind will be all right. Others protract their departure because of guilt and the need for reconciliation. They seek forgiveness for past wrongs.

Mountain of experience

A mountain of experience has taught Callanan that many dying persons want to settle personal issues before they leave. They have a thirst for closure. “(There’s) an awareness that they need to be at peace,” Callanan writes in Final Gifts.

“As death nears, people often realise some things feel unfinished or incomplete perhaps issues that once seemed insignificant or that happened long ago. Now the dying person realises their importance and wants to settle them.” We are urged to accommodate their request.

Sadly, many engulfed in the throes of dying do not and cannot speak in literal terms. They use symbolic language.

And the more we dismiss this mode of communication as insignificant, muddled thoughts, the more the patient is likely to withdraw or display bouts of anxiety. In such situations dying is painful to watch.

On the symbolism used by dying persons, we are advised to patiently learn as much as possible and be gently and constructively responsive.

Sometimes our own fears, bewilderment and anger at seeing a loved one die only exacerbate the circumstances. We withdraw, unable to openly and honestly communicate.

Friends, unable to manage their own emotions, and lost for words, do not visit not out of insensitivity, but due to their incapacity to comprehend and deal with this highly charged emotional experience.

Studies have also shown that those at the cusp of death may see and communicate with beings invisible to us.

These visitors are usually relatives and friends who have passed on, or angels, saints and religious personages that are familiar to the patient. These visions have a calming effect and it’s obvious that these exchanges serve to make the dying process peaceful and unthreatening.

Finally, hospice nurses have encountered cases indicating that patients ‘know’ the hour of their death. Others have cited cases where healthy individuals also seem to know of their demise.

In one intriguing scenario with which I am familiar, a physically robust woman, without any prodding, suddenly rushed to prepare her will and last testament. Upon completion, she hastily summoned her son, imparting every bit of religious knowledge.

“This is the most precious gift I can give you,” she told him. She succumbed a day later.

That she consciously knew that she was going to die is debatable, and I disagree with Callahan and others who argue that “dying people often seem to know when their death will occur, sometimes right down to the day or hour (and) their attempts to share information about the time of death may be clear and direct”.

However, I am of the opinion that in most cases this knowledge is a subtle, subconscious impulse unknown to the conscious mind.

Nearing Death Awareness can be taxing, taking a toll on patient and loved ones. Openness, dialogue, honesty, patience and caring by all parties will no doubt ease the burden.

Dying and death are natural, a necessary part of life. And in the same way that we learn from the living, so we must embrace the wisdom brought forth by dying people.

Complete Article HERE!

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Broken pebbles offer clues to Paleolithic funeral rituals

Pebbles were refitted during analysis.

[H]umans may have ritualistically “killed” objects to remove their symbolic power, some 5,000 years earlier than previously thought, a new international study of marine pebble tools from an Upper Paleolithic burial site in Italy suggests.

Researchers at Université de Montréal, Arizona State University and University of Genoa examined 29 pebble fragments recovered in the Caverna delle Arene Candide on the Mediterranean Sea in Liguria. In their study, published online Jan. 18 in the Cambridge Archeological Journal, they concluded that some 12,000 years ago the flat, oblong pebbles were brought up from the beach, used as spatulas to apply ochre paste to decorate the dead, then broken and discarded.

The intent could have been to “kill” the tools, thereby “discharging them of their symbolic power” as objects that had come into contact with the deceased, said the study’s co-author Julien Riel-Salvatore, an associate professor of anthropology at UdeM who directed the excavations at the site that yielded the pebbles.

The Arene Candide is a hockey-rink-sized cave containing a necropolis of some 20 adults and children. It is located about 90 metres above the sea in a steep cliff overlooking a limestone quarry. First excavated extensively in the 1940s, the cave is considered a reference site for the Neolithic and Paleolithic periods in the western Mediterranean. Until now, however, no one had looked at the broken pebbles.

Possible use of the pebbles: retoucher or hammer.

“If our interpretation is correct, we’ve pushed back the earliest evidence of intentional fragmentation of objects in a ritual context by up to 5,000 years,” said the study’s lead author Claudine Gravel-Miguel, a PhD candidate at Arizona State’s School of Human Evolution and Social Change, in Tempe. “The next oldest evidence dates to the Neolithic period in Central Europe, about 8,000 years ago. Ours date to somewhere between 11,000 and 13,000 years ago, when people in Liguria were still hunter-gatherers.”

No matching pieces to the broken pebbles were found, prompting the researchers to hypothesize that the missing halves were kept as talismans or souvenirs. “They might have signified a link to the deceased, in the same way that people today might share pieces of a friendship trinket, or place an object in the grave of a loved one,” Riel-Salvatore said. “It’s the same kind of emotional connection.”

Between 2008 and 2013, the researchers painstakingly excavated in the Arene Candide cave immediately east of the original excavation using small trowels and dental tools, then carried out microscopic analysis of the pebbles they found there. They also scoured nearby beaches in search of similar-looking pebbles, and broke them to see if they compared to the others, trying to determine whether they had been deliberately broken.

Claudine Gravel-Miguel is with anthropologist Vitale Stefano Sparacello at the Arene Candide site in 2011.

“This demonstrates the underappreciated interpretive potential of broken pieces,” the new study concludes. “Research programs on Paleolithic interments should not limit themselves to the burials themselves, but also explicitly target material recovered from nearby deposits, since, as we have shown here, artifacts as simple as broken rocks can sometimes help us uncover new practices in prehistoric funerary canons.”

 

The findings could have implications for research at other Paleolithic sites where ochre-painted pebbles have been found, such as the Azilian sites in the Pyrenee mountains of northern Spain and southern France. Broken pebbles recovered during excavations often go unexamined, so it might be worth going back and taking a second look, said Riel-Salvatore.

“Historically, archeologists haven’t really looked at these objects – if they see them at a site, they usually go ‘Oh, there’s an ordinary pebble,’ and then discard it with the rest of the sediment,” he said. “We need to start paying attention to these things that are often just labeled as rocks. Something that looks like it might be natural might actually have important artifactual meaning.”

Complete Article HERE!

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How do I talk to my child about the death of our pet?

by Michele Pich, M.A., M.S.

[D]o I tell them beforehand that it’s coming? Should I tell them when he’s sick? Do I wait until afterward and say he ran away or went to a farm? These are all questions that parents ask when it comes to preparing to discuss with their kids about the loss of a beloved family pet.

Existing grief research supports trying to be as honest and direct with your kids as possible. But, you need to take into account their age and level of emotional development. Despite the fact that pet loss is often the first loss that children experience, there is a lack of research addressing the issue. Many pet grief support professionals utilize human loss literature. In addition, there are children’s books available (some of which are discussed in this article) that talk about pet loss in a story setting, which may be useful for helping kids cope.

My neighbor helped her son understand the death of my dog by drawing pictures of Cleo sitting on a cloud “in heaven”. Another friend sat her kids down in the final weeks before their cat Jimmy passed away and talked honesty about the fact that he was aging and getting sick, and may not live much longer. Since her kids had been through this before with previous pets, they already knew the meaning of the term “put down”.

While some euphemisms are okay to use, avoid saying “put to sleep”. Children are literal in their comprehension. If children hear that their beloved dog is going to be “put to sleep” and will never come home to be with the family again, they may fear their own bedtime, thinking that they might not see mommy or daddy again either. It is best to use very direct terms, such as “death” or “dying”.

In my friend’s case, by being open and honest with her children before the loss, she was able to include them in some of the decision-making and allow them to have time to say good-bye to their life-long buddy. While children may not decide when it is time to let a pet go, they can take part in pre-death cuddle sessions and have a chance to tell their animal companions how much they love them.

Children need the structure of setting aside time to grieve pre- and post-death, when possible, and may need more tactile ways to express their sadness over the loss.

A few tips for helping kids cope with the loss of a pet:

  • Include your kids in memorializing your pet. They can even help in the planning of how you will honor the lost loved one. This may mean getting out art supplies, drawing pictures of the animal, making paintings that incorporate the pet’s paw print, looking through photos, and talking about the fun memories you had with the pet.
  • As time goes on, as the acute emotional pain starts to dull, but the continued love for the deceased pet continues, you can talk to your kids about the lessons they learned from the pet that will continue to help and guide them throughout their lives such as love, compassion, responsibility, patience, and acceptance.
  • Do not use the euphemism “put to sleep,” as it may be misinterpreted.
  • Allow your children to grieve in their own way. They may prefer to draw, paint, or sculpt their pet out of clay, rather than talk about it.
  • Let yourself grieve in front of your child, even if that means crying in front of them. This may be their first experience with loss, so they may look to you to learn that they don’t need to hide their feelings.
  • Work together on creating a scrapbook of pictures of your pet. Talk about the memories each picture represents.

Remember, the death of a pet does not mean the end of the bond or the love. You and your children can continue to talk about and remember the wonderful times you had together.

Complete Article HERE!

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Tips to make it through Valentine’s Day after the loss of a significant other

 

[T]he heart-shaped boxes of candy and cupid-themed decorations started appearing on store shelves around the same time the New Year’s decorations were coming down. While Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a time to celebrate romantic love, it can be an emotionally painful holiday if your partner or spouse has recently passed away.

“Numerous studies have shown that the grief caused by the death of a spouse or partner can seriously affect your mental and physical health,” says Robin Fiorelli, Senior Director of Bereavement and Volunteers with VITAS Healthcare, the nation’s leading provider of end-of-life care. “Even if you feel like you’re coping well with your loss, holidays can be especially challenging.”

If the loss of a loved one is making you dread this Valentine’s Day, Fiorelli and the grief professionals at VITAS offer some tips that can help you manage your loss:

Respect your grief

“Grieving is a process that takes time, and everyone goes about it in their own way,” Fiorelli says. “Don’t feel like you have to set aside your grief because it’s a holiday, but try not to let negative feelings overwhelm you, either.”

Mourning is the expression of your thoughts and feelings surrounding your loss. Talking with someone about your feelings can be a helpful way to express them, especially during difficult times like holidays.

Seek support

Although grief can seem like a private experience, isolating yourself on Valentine’s Day may only make you feel worse. Try to spend part of the day with someone who cares about you. Have dinner with single friends, plan a Valentine-themed meal with your children, or find a bereavement support group to attend on the holiday.

If you’re already a part of a support group, ask other members about how they cope. Not only will you be sharing time with people who understand what you’re experiencing, you might learn valuable coping skills.

VITAS Healthcare offers grief and bereavement support to family and friends while the patient is undergoing care and then, following his or her death. VITAS also opens its bereavement support events to people in the community who are mourning.

Treat yourself

Tokens of love are an integral part of Valentine’s Day, so when we lose a loved one, not only do we grieve their loss, but it’s also natural to grieve the loss of those tangible expressions of affection. As an example, if your spouse always gave you roses on Valentine’s Day, buy yourself flowers if having them again this year would make you feel better.

Treating yourself to something nice is a way of taking care of yourself; buy something you’ve always wanted — maybe indulge in a day at the spa or a meal at an expensive restaurant.

Avoid judgment and negativity

Sometimes people are not as patient and understanding as we need them to be. For example, if your partner has been gone for some time, you may encounter someone who thinks you should be over your loss by the time Valentine’s Day approaches. Distance yourself from that kind of judgment, and instead spend time with people who understand that grief takes time, who can allow you to openly share your thoughts and feelings, and who let you reminisce about your loved one when you need to. It can be helpful to share memories of past Valentine’s Days that you celebrated with your partner or spouse.

Likewise, when you find yourself feeling particularly negative, it might help to instead make a list of people, things and circumstances in your life that you’re grateful for. Spend some time meditating, praying or exercising — whatever helps you regain your perspective.

“Loss is a natural part of life and grieving is our natural way of dealing with loss,” Fiorelli says. “It’s important to recognize your grief for your departed partner, and how you cope with grief will be as unique as your relationship was.”

Complete Article HERE!

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How Death Makes Us Human — For Now

Thinking of death is inherent to being human. Technological advances, like so many human activities, reflect our desire to avoid it. But that may all be bound to change.

 
By Darío Sztajnszrajber

The human being’s link to death is intrinsic and existential. It is not an external notion one could discard or disregard and somehow remain human. Death, simply put, is a part of us.

As the German philosopher Martin Heidegger observed, our death is both imminent (we could die almost immediately) and conceived in our minds as too distant (we usually think we still have a long time left to live). French philosopher Jacques Derrida asked cheekily, “Is my death possible?” when dying precisely eliminates all possibilities. The curious thing is that while we know we are born to die, we spend our lives trying to transcend death. There is a basic awkwardness or nonsensical origin to all our actions: Whatever we do, we will still die, whence our flight toward daily routines in order to forget or seek relief. This ambiguity may explain a great part of human culture. Just as we want to negate death, we also seek to surpass ourselves.

The 20th-century Spanish writer Miguel de Unamumo postulated that human anxiety was a product of the tension between reason on the one hand, which understands that life is finite, and the desire that it continue forever. That desire has become the engine behind all the attempts to supercede our limits. Thus with every technological innovation, symbolic transformation, revolution in values or new narrative on the meaning of life, are we not aspiring, ultimately, to achieve immortality?

Graveyards do not so much recall our provenance as our destination

 
Now death, which pertains to others, is not the same as dying, which we cannot possibly experience. Cemeteries and their rituals are a means of linking ourselves to the deaths of others, the only possible death experience. In any case, a person supposes that he too will also be buried, honored and remembered — or forgotten. Graveyards do not so much recall our provenance as our destination, prompting the sensations of uncertainty, respect and concern among us all.

Cemetery in Buenos Aires

Cemeteries remain of their time of course. Technology makes it possible today to live on through images and sounds, and create a presence from the experience of absence. It would be interesting to analyze the impact of death’s omnipresence, and the evolution both of mourning and the mechanics of a memory that now is live before us, always within reach.

In reality, current trends like robotics or cloning will change the roots not just of our ties with the death of others, but our own dying. The day will eventually come when we have resolved death, which can only happen when we stop dying. That of course is also when we will stop being human. And so we shall mutate again …

Complete Article HERE!

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Helping Your Child Deal With Death

[W]hen a loved one dies, children feel and show their grief in different ways. How kids cope with the loss depends on things like their age, how close they felt to the person who died, and the support they receive.

Here are some things parents can do to help a child who has lost a loved one:

When talking about death, use simple, clear words. To break the news that someone has died, approach your child in a caring way. Use words that are simple and direct. For example, “I have some sad news to tell you. Grandma died today.” Pause to give your child a moment to take in your words.

Listen and comfort. Every child reacts differently to learning that a loved one has died. Some kids cry. Some ask questions. Others seem not to react at all. That’s OK. Stay with your child to offer hugs or reassurance. Answer your child’s questions or just be together for a few minutes.

Put emotions into words. Encourage kids to say what they’re thinking and feeling in the days, weeks, and months following the loss. Talk about your own feelings: It helps kids be aware of and feel comfortable with theirs. Say things like, “I know you’re feeling very sad. I’m sad, too. We both loved Grandma so much, and she loved us, too.”

Tell your child what to expect. If the death of a loved one means changes in your child’s life, head off any worries or fears by explaining what will happen. For example, “Aunt Sara will pick you up from school like Grandma used to.” Or, “I need to stay with Grandpa for a few days. That means you and Dad will be home taking care of each other. But I’ll talk to you every day, and I’ll be back on Sunday.”

Talk about funerals and rituals. Allow children to join in rituals like viewings, funerals, or memorial services. Tell your child ahead of time what will happen. For example, “Lots of people who loved Grandma will be there. We will sing, pray, and talk about Grandma’s life. People might cry and hug. People will say things like, ‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ or, ‘My condolences.’ Those are polite and kind things to say to the family at a funeral. We can say, ‘Thank you,’ or, ‘Thanks for coming.’ You can stay near me and hold my hand if you want.”

You might need to explain burial or cremation. For example, “After the funeral, there is a burial at a cemetery. The person’s body is in a casket (or coffin) that gets buried in the ground with a special ceremony. This can feel like a sad goodbye, and people might cry.” Share your family’s beliefs about what happens to a person’s soul or spirit after death.

Explain what happens after the service as a way to show that people will feel better. For example, “We all will go eat food together. People will laugh, talk, and hug some more. Focusing on the happy memories about Grandma and on the good feeling of being together helps people start to feel better.”

Give your child a role. Having a small, active role can help kids master an unfamiliar and emotional situation such as a funeral or memorial service. For example, you might invite your child to read a poem, pick a song to be played, gather some photos to display, or make something. Let kids decide if they want to take part, and how.

Help your child remember the person. In the days and weeks ahead, encourage your child to draw pictures or write down favorite stories of their loved one. Don’t avoid mentioning the person who died. Recalling and sharing happy memories helps heal grief and activate positive feelings.

Respond to emotions with comfort and reassurance. Notice if your child seems sad, worried, or upset in other ways. Ask about feelings and listen. Let your child know that it takes time to feel better after a loved one dies. Some kids may temporarily have trouble concentrating or sleeping, or have fears or worries. Support groups and counseling can help kids who need more support.

Help your child feel better. Provide the comfort your child needs, but don’t dwell on sad feelings. After a few minutes of talking and listening, shift to an activity or topic that helps your child feel a little better. Play, make art, cook, or go somewhere together.

Give your child time to heal from the loss. Grief is a process that happens over time. Be sure to have ongoing conversations to see how your child is feeling and doing. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting about the loved one. It means remembering the person with love, and letting loving memories stir good feelings that support us as we go on to enjoy life.

Complete Article HERE!