Humor takes the sting away; it humanizes us; it helps us keep our perspective. Humor enriches us; it educates us; it brings us joy. Humor doesn’t dissolve the pain or make our life any less poignant, but it does help make things more bearable. That’s my philosophy, and I’m happy to share it with you on a weekly basis. I hope that if you enjoy what you see, you will take the opportunity to share it with others.
“Each of us is entitled to intimacy and pleasure in our life, regardless of how our body looks or at what stage of life we are at. The fact that we might be sick, elder, or dying need not cut us off from these precious life-enhancing things. However, we will most likely have to take the lead in defining what it is that we need and want, and then communicate that to those who are in a position to answer our need. We ought to have confidence that this will be as enriching for partner as it will be for us.”
Clare, 73, and her husband, Charley, have been married for fifty-three years. They have four children, nine grandchildren, and five great-grandchildren. Clare’s leukemia, which was in remission for over ten years, has recurred. This time it is considered untreatable. She has decided to forego any of the heroic, life-sustaining measures for which modern medicine is so famous. She and her doctors agree that hospice is her best option. “I’ve done my homework. I’ve shopped around. I interviewed all the hospices in town and have chosen the one I feel will honor my wishes for the kind of end-of-life care I want.”
Clare has lived a rich and full life. “I was a career woman long before there was such a thing as a career woman. I’ve always been a take-charge kind of gal. This leukemia may very well kill me, but it will never get the best of me.” Her illness has made her very frail. Her skin is almost translucent. She has an otherworldly look about her, but there is no mistaking her remarkably robust spirit.
Her youngest son Stan, her one and only ally in the family, brought her to our meeting. Stan says, “Oh yeah, she’s feisty all right. There’s no flies on her, and the ones that are there are paying rent.”
Clare’s biggest concern is her family. They are pressuring her to fight against death even though she doesn’t want to. She wishes that they would join her in preparing for her death rather than denying the inevitable.
I try to tell myself that my Charley will be just fine after I’m gone. After all he does have our four grown kids and their families to look after him. But deep down, I know how lost he’ll be without me. Even after all these years, he still needs me to help him find a missing sock!
Whenever I try talking to him about how he’ll manage when I’m gone, he gets this awful flush across his face and starts shaking like a scared little boy. It makes me feel so terrible. I feel so bad for upsetting him like that.
I’m so confused! I want to talk to Charley about all of this. He’s my husband and has been my best friend for well over fifty years, but I honestly don’t know how to reach him on this one.”
Clare straightens herself up in her chair and continues.
“Stan, here, is the only one I can talk to. Everyone else, including my husband, won’t hear a word when I start talking about planning my funeral or who will get my antique Tiffany lamp. They just say, ‘Oh, mother, stop talking like that, you’ll outlive us all.’
I know they mean well. They’re just scared and upset. But boy oh boy, it’s really getting under my skin. I know I only have a short time left to live, so I want it to be real. I’m sick of always having to smile and pretend when I’m with them. It’s about time for them to start considering my feelings for a change.”
Clare’s immediate concern and the reason for our get together is her husband Charley. She is afraid that they are drifting apart right when they need each other the most. I ask her for a little background on their intimate life together.
“I was well into my thirty’s when the woman’s movement began. It was a time of great awakenings for me. Charley was threatened, of course, but I was able to win him over in time. It was only then that our sex life started in earnest. I finally realized that sex could be about pleasure and not simply about duty. What a liberating experience that was!
Even now Charley and I are intimate, or were until the last couple of months or so. After we both turned 60 our sex wasn’t like when we were youngsters, all heated and hormonally driven, but it’s just as special. Oh, I’m so glad I am able to talk about this with you.
My main concern is the medications I’m taking for the pain. I’m woozy when I take them, but irritable without them. I want to be more available to Charley for the closeness that’s so important to each of us, but I’m often too out of it. This is a problem for Charley too, because he doesn’t know how touch me anymore. And so, I’m afraid, he keeps his distance. This only makes matters worse for the both of us.
How do I change this? Or maybe there’s no changing it. Maybe it’s just over. What a terribly sad thought that is.”
I reach out for Clair’s hand. “I am touched by the loving depiction of the intimate life you’ve had with your husband over the years. It can’t be easy for either of you to see this wind down. However, the closeness and tenderness you’ve had throughout your marriage need not stop now.
May I ask; do you still sleep together in the same bed? Would you be comfortable initiating a little cuddling with Charley? Good! Then I’m going to suggest a regiment of spoon breathing and guided-hand touch that I’m sure will work for you both. You will, of course, need to take the lead role in this since, as you say, Charley no longer knows how to touch you, but once he gets the hang of it and he has your permission to do so, he can continue even when you’re not able to reciprocate or even respond.
Allow me to quickly explain spoon breathing. Here’s what you do; lay on your side with Charley on his side close behind you like two spoons. Then see if you can match one another’s breathing pattern. You will be amazed at how calming and comforting this will be for you both. It will also be a very effective way to reestablish a threshold for what is possible between the two of you now, in this final stage of your life.
Now the guided-hand touch; take his open hand in yours and guide it to where you like to be touched. Show him how you like to be touched where he is touching you. Long strokes, slow strokes, short strokes, soft strokes, or just having his hand rest on you, whatever. Show him the kind of pressure you are comfortable with where he is touching you. Once you’ve established a simple routine of breathing and touching, give Charley permission to carry on even if you happen to fall asleep. Because this breathing and touching technique is so gentle and loving, it should be able to serve you even as you are actively dying. But you’ll have to let Charley know that this is what you want and need. You could tell him that you want to die in his arms. What an ideal way to bring your life together to a close. Do you think Charley will accept your invitation?”
“I can’t say for sure, but I think if I suggested it to him in a way that lets him know that he would be doing it for me, it might work. But I’m not sure about what I should say.”
“When words fail to communicate what is in your heart, you can always rely on touch. Maybe you will find that nothing needs to be said at all, Clare. Draw him close and keep him near you with touch. Something tells me Charley will find this irresistible. It could be the fondest of farewells. Something he’ll never forget.
This is my philosophy. Each of us is entitled to intimacy and pleasure in our life, regardless of how our body looks or at what stage of life we are at. The fact that we might be sick, elder, or dying need not cut us off from these precious life-enhancing things. However, we will most likely have to take the lead in defining what it is that we need and want, and then communicate that to those who are in a position to answer our need. We ought to have confidence that this will be as enriching for partner as it will be for us.”
To My Old Brown Earth*
And you who sing
And you who stand nearby
I do charge you not to cry
Guard well our human chain
Watch well you keep it strong
As long as sun will shine
And this our home
Keep pure and sweet and green
For now I’m yours
And you are also
*From the album “Pete” (1996, Living Music), which won the Grammy award for Best Traditional Folk Album of 1996.
About this song, Pete wrote: “In 1958 I sang at the funeral of John McManus, co-editor of the radical newsweekly, The Guardian, and regretted that I had no song worthy of the occasion. So this got written.”
By Chris Woolston
While recreational marijuana is legal in just two states (for now), 20 states plus the District of Columbia already allow marijuana for medicinal uses, and up to nine other states may soon follow suit. Many patients swear that cannabis helps ease their symptoms, but the drug has never gone through anything close to the testing required for prescription drugs. One reason: Marijuana is a Schedule 1 drug (a federal classification of the most dangerous drugs, including heroin and LSD), so researchers have to jump through a lot of hoops to even get it into their labs.
So just how medicinal is medical marijuana? Here’s a look at the current evidence.
Pain: Marijuana is a proven pain reliever. Studies show that it works against pains of many sorts, including neuropathic pain, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and cancer-related pain. However, the relief can be underwhelming compared with prescription medications, and many users report side effects such as dry mouth, dizziness and sleepiness.
Multiple sclerosis: Several studies over the years have shown that marijuana and its compounds can offer at least some relief for muscle spasticity in patients with multiple sclerosis. Sativex, a mouth spray that combines two compounds from marijuana, is already available for MS patients in Europe and Canada and is undergoing studies in the U.S.
Appetite: Marijuana’s well-known tendency to induce the “munchies” could potentially be helpful for patients who have lost their appetite because of cancer, chemotherapy or infection with HIV. Few studies have looked at smoked marijuana to improve appetite, but Marinol, a synthetic drug that mimics one of the compounds in marijuana, has been approved by the Food and Drug Administration for treating weight loss in patients with HIV and relieving nausea and vomiting in cancer patients.
Complete Article HERE!
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!
Love transcends! One couple went to great lengths to exhibit to those who survived them that their love would endure for all ages. I don’t suppose it’s important to know who these individuals were, or where they lived, or how they died. Their cemetery art, like all such art, speaks to the heart. The language is universal. Their’s is a timeless Valentine’s Day gift to all the hopeless romantics among us.